The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show (1950)

[Music] oh any any more mail well i got a letter from my mother but you know she's a little worried about my sister hazel why well when she wrote the letter hazel had just flown from downtown and she thought a man was following her what made her think that he was in the phone booth with her well that should have given her a little hint what uh what are you looking for oh my person gracie don't tell me that you're misled your person when people mislead things it's pure carelessness and not only that it's stupid and it's unnecessary oh well don't worry dear i mislead things too gracie i wish you'd stop being careless well i'll try dear but i guess i just take after my cousin don do you know that he was so careless that he parked in the red zone suppose he got a ticket but we don't know the russians won't let him write to it [Music] uh the russians the red zone was in berlin oh that red zone yes i'll be right down blanche dear if you find a purse remember it's mine i'll remember i'll remember [Music] well anyway gracie you were very lucky you didn't go shopping with me the stores were so crowded yeah but i still want to see those new fashions yeah you know everybody in the store say that we're not going to be wearing our dresses as long as we used to oh my goodness if we don't then we'll just have to go to bed sooner won't we oh yeah you know greg you're just going to love those two dresses that i picked up at the may company it's advice when i get through the dishes will you come upstairs with me and help me look for my purse oh sure thank you oh there's that lovely watch i've always admired it huh george gave me that on our last anniversary which harry'd be a sweet to me i always leave it there you know when i wash the dishes ah gracie i envy you oh branch don't envy me if harry won't let you wash dishes you can always come over here and do it come on [Applause] so harry gracie is just getting very careless now i found this watch on the drain board i want you to hide it for me i'm going to teach you a lesson why bother joey because it'll stop her from doing silly things are you planning to go into bankruptcy but harry you just hide the watch okay yeah i'll hide it here in the sugar bowl all right well thanks harry george i have asked you repeatedly not to drop ashes in that cup oh sorry harry you know it's not an ashtray i won that in college for pole vaulting george you know when you do things like that it shows your lack of breeding your your lack of social background your essential crudeness you know you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself i am mary and um i owe you an apology well forget it okay that's what i came over about is my wristwatch it's gone gone i feel terrible do you know where it could be oh that beautiful watch i just saw it on your drain board not there now oh well must be some place i've looked everywhere else you probably just mislated honey now you relax come on in i'll fix you some coffee huh gracie please put the sugar and cream on the table i'll get the call all right my watch this is awful oh blanche loved it so much she took it i'm gonna put it back she'd be upset if she knew i took something she stole i wonder if she no if she took my purse i don't want to know it [Music] brunch never mind the coffee i i can't stay why not well don't worry i'll never tell [Music] i'll bet you think i'm wasting my time trying to teach gracie a lesson but i'm not nobody is too old to learn i ought to know because i've straightened gracie out before and i've always learned something like the time i taught her a lesson on how to economize i said i'd give up smoking cigars if she'd give up her silly hats and it'd work fine for the next 80 days i didn't smoke any cigars and she didn't smoke any hats [Music] of course gracie isn't the only woman who's careless friend of mine bonnie dean his wife divorced him and she took everything took all his money took the house the children the furniture the car the jewels and his insurance but she was careless forgot to take his electric razor of course men are careless too i know a man who had a leaky gas furnace in the basement led a match and went down to find the leak he was careless fell down the stairs and nearly killed himself took him to the hospital and you know it was pretty near three months before he was well enough to strike another match and go down and blow up the furnace carelessness is bad but so is forgetfulness a friend of mine a director marvin laroy was telling me that he knew a cowboy actor who was forgetful and lost his job this fella could ride rope shoot and play the guitar but he couldn't remember where to point when he said they went that away of course gracie gets top filling in that department too she once decided to fix me some corned beef and cabbage for dinner and left out the corned beef but i didn't miss it because she forgot to put in the cabbage you know when i give gracie money she ten minutes later she can't remember whether i gave her ten dollars or a hundred dollars and and and come to think of it that works out real nice [Applause] i can't believe it but it's true harry you know i don't care about fighting my watch and blanche's sugar bowl but what worries me is she told me that she picked up two dresses at the may company this morning gracie are you trying to tell me that blanche martin is a kleptomaniac no you just told me that all i told you is that she steals things that's what peptomania means oh well why do people do things like that well i've heard that it's caused by a feeling of insecurity for instance the wife of a friend of mine stole things because she felt her husband wasn't showing her enough love and affection maybe mrs morton feels that way why would blanche want your friend's husband to give a love and affection i don't know you know i'm afraid the may company might arrest blanche we've gotta help her well you we bye-bye wait a minute look if if the dresses are returned before the may company finds it out mrs morton won't be in any trouble that's a good idea we'll return the dresses yeah we'll let go of my coat and while you're talking to the mortons out front i'll sneak in the back way and get the dresses no no no no no gracie i wouldn't know what to say i wouldn't know when you were through well i'll give you a little signal i'll drop the coffee pot oh i've changed my mind i think it's a wonderful idea gracie and i'll do it let go my coat well gracie we're here here's the martin house let go mccolt no aggressively if you drop the coffee pot they'll think there's a burglar inside what would a burglar be doing inside that coffee pot mccoy no this is morgan where's my coat oh i i just got it and uh gracie wanted you to feel the material thank you say harry could you step out here for a minute i just heard a very funny joke and i wanted to tell it to you both a joke yeah hello bonzo hi he um wants to tell us a joke a joke yeah uh this uh fella is going to pittsburgh and all he can get is an upper birth i heard that [Music] with this uh this other fella he goes into a restaurant and he says to the waiter do you serve crabs in here i heard that did you hear the one about the taxi driver whose passenger is rubbing sauerkraut in his hair you heard it good i heard you must be spending too much time with gracie come on [Applause] oh the coffee pot fell off the stove good thing there wasn't any coffee in it blanches i was saying our household accounts for this month are in wretched shape well maybe you should call in a cpa i am a cpa i'm glad you're spending entirely too much money two brand new dresses today oh harry calm down don't you want a wife that's stylish and attractive no dear i'll stick it out with you that's about as funny as mr bonzelle's coat oh i was only joking actually you're quite well preserved well preserved well i like that after i've given you the best years of my life i've worked and i've slaved for you harry morton let me tell you something i could have been married dozens of times before i met you charlie hawthorne asked me six times well preserved what am i a woman or a gyro pickle peaches and another thing i want to say to you blanche you're a woman you can put a lid on a jar of pickled peaches and shut it up yeah there isn't enough starch in them blanche don't be uncouth please don't be uncouth you get stuck here every day i don't know what i ever saw on you well i can tell you what you saw a judgment of distinction an excellent athlete tennis boxing pole vaulting george was here yeah swimming oh well you should have gotten one for swimming you're a very good swimmer oh here i remember one night you took me for a canoe ride on the lake there we were in the moonlight two miles from shore and i leaned over and asked you for a kiss and you jumped overboard and swam home because we weren't engaged dad would have wanted it that way dear old dad come on branch let's stop snapping at each other you know really i'm glad you bought those dresses and i know you're going to look lovely oh thank you harry oh you're going to like them i know you are looking they're gone well we must have been around what i better call the police police department detective sawyer speaking i want to report a robbery two dresses have been stolen okay who is this mrs maple drive wait a minute don't you live next door mrs burns well uh couldn't you come down here instead certainly not i'm a taxpayer all right all right i'll be there maybe i could sneak in without mrs burns seeing me last time i saw her she had me talking to myself i'm doing it again [Music] i'm surprised gracie hasn't said anything about her watch being gone but she doesn't need a watch when she fixes three-minute eggs she puts him in hot water goes to the piano and plays the minute walls three times of course she always makes a few mistakes and has to start over and i finish up with eggs that are as hard as if she had a watch oh incidentally i just got a call from bonnie dean he said his wife has been watching our show and when she heard me say that she forgot to take the electric razor she went back and got it oh by the way sawyer the detective didn't get by gracie not only that but she told him that she stole the dresses the dresses yeah mrs burns you sit down over here please now why did you do it why well um because i'm a club domain attack a kleptomaniac i didn't know what i meant either until harry ronsell told me um harry van self says the reason i'm that way is because my husband doesn't give me any love and affection he must be a heel oh sure so is my husband huh he doesn't give me any insecurity mrs burns are you really a kleptomaniac certainly i am it runs in my family now take my sister bessie she was star for love she tried everything to make her husband love her but it didn't do any good she even fixed things he liked for dinner every night she'd have fried chicken for him and after dinner she'd sit on his lap and he'd run his hands through her hair but he still didn't love her he ran his hands through her hair and he didn't love her well they didn't have any napkins and you know how fried chicken [Applause] what about the dresses oh she wouldn't let him wipe his hands in her dresses she's very neat are you trying to tell me that you stole those dresses because your husband doesn't give you any love and affection and no kisses i meant that he didn't even kiss me at our wedding is this true well certainly it is i wouldn't even have been kissed then accepted when i saw the men line up to kiss the bride i got in line with them well i'm sorry to see such a mess oh you want to put the cuffs on now or would you rather have me go quietly it's too late to worry about that you're already going hmm if you turn the dresses mrs burns and we'll forget about it oh all right i'll go out the back way goodbye goodbye you ought to be ashamed of yourself a man with all your money letting your wife steal two dresses don't you know by not giving her any love and affection you're turning her into a kleptomaniac [Music] hi george hello harry hey what happened here i came all the way over to help you polish the car like i promised and i see i'm too late i just told gracie's eclectic maniac and that she stole two dresses oh yeah i know i i helped her steal him you know one two no blanche martin is the kleptomaniac there must be a convention why don't you people wear badges let me tell you the whole thing the gracie and i were protecting blanche morton blanche morton mrs morton stole two dresses from the may company gracie and i took them out of her house so we could return them blanche not only that but she stole gracie's wristwatch and hid it in the sugar bowl i'm sure that's what happened harry what actually took place was this see gracie left a watch in the kitchen and i told harry morton to hide it so i could teach her a lesson george when are you going to give up trying to teach gracie lessons you remember the light that was on the front porch the one that she used to leave on all night yeah you told her it was a bad habit and she'd have to break it and she didn't [Laughter] cost i resent the way bachelors like bonzell lorded over us married they act like men who stay single or smarter not smarter they're just faster i happen to know that bonzelle pretty nearly got married twice but he lost his nerve when he had to step up and buy the license but not me when gracie bought the license i was nervous at all well anyway george was just trying to teach you a lesson and here's your watch oh blanche if i'd known this i wouldn't have returned your addresses to the maid company you took my dresses back mm-hmm but don't worry i left them at the exchange desk and i told the woman you stole them and would she please exchange them for a couple of dresses that were paid for well goodbye honey don't worry about it i'll all right gracie honey what are you doing i'm making frosting for an upside down cake [Music] so this little brainstorm of mine made everybody believe that everybody else was a kleptomaniac so can i have gracie's watch i'd like to put it back sure me and my ideas it's gone gone what are we gonna do i don't know what we're gonna do but you're gonna buy another watch me i'm not responsible oh yes you are george i warn you i got this for boxing i got this for being a coward what's the matter if i forget something [Laughter] yeah me and my lessons now i've got to go downtown and buy gracie a new watch while i'm back the watch i took to teach gracie a lesson cost eighty dollars this watch i bought to replace it cost 120. the less than his watches have gone up [Music] oh where have you been downtown for now gracie when you come in the kitchen i'd like to show you something i will as soon as i finish my nails oh boy what a day i had really hmm with that may company crowded you know the girl the exchange counter was out to lunch and so we all had to stand in line and wait i was seven well that's your lucky number i asked the lady in front of me what she was exchanging and she said i have to return these shoes for my children because they're too tight and i said shame on you for allowing your children to drink [Music] well that was telling her all right then the line moved and i was sick oh the girl came back for lunch no the woman in front of him in the back of the line and then the man ahead of me he looked so peculiar he had a lot of hair on the sides of his head but none on top so i said ma you must have grown awfully fast when you were a boy you grew right up through here okay it was a nice way to break the ice and then i was fifth in line and moving up fast yeah oh and then there were um a man and his wife ahead of me so i said to the woman well i hope that girl hurries back from lunch and she said oh so do i because i have to make an exchange for my husband his hat's too small and you said why change your husband why not get him a bigger hat [Laughter] and you're now fought third oh they both know oh and then this little fat man jumped out of line and i was second what'd you say to him nothing he backed into my umbrella sergeant then the girl who was first in line was very pretty but she was kind of rude she was exchanging records and she asked me have you heard my cheating heart so i came right back and said no but if your neckline was any lower i could see it yeah then the girl came back from lunch and you were at the window no it was in the back of the line back of the line mm-hmm what i want to see what was going on everybody else was back there and it's the lucky thing i did i heard somebody say there was a crazy woman up front he's been gone for about an hour no look uh would you two come in the kitchen i'd like to show you something all right all this trouble today was due to carelessness first you lost your purse then you left your watch laying around and i thought you'd lose it you mean this watch where'd you get that you gave it to me on our anniversary i took it off and i was doing my nails i just bought this another watch oh it's beautiful thank you george i thought it over and you were right i was responsible here i'm another one i've only got two arms blanche you've always wanted one here that's for you oh thank you honey oh gracie isn't it wonderful when husbands teach you a lesson [Music] george and gracie folks remember what the national safety council says whether you're a driver or pedestrian a moment's carelessness can change your life or take it from you accidents don't always happen to the other fellow well be careful the life you save may be your own that's right say good night gracie good night good night appearing on tonight's show was jim flavin as detective sawyer the virgin allen show was a film presentation

Channel: The Film Detective

Views: 174,422

Keywords: Film, TV, Movies, Movie, Entertainment, Classic TV Shows, The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show (1950), Frederick De Cordova, Ralph Levy, Rod Amateau, George Burns, William Burns, Sid Dorfman, Keith Fowler, Jesse Goldstein, Gracie Allen, Bea Benaderet, Harry von Zell, Larry Keating, Ronnie Burns

Id: 0o_Mxo_uhH8

Length: 25min 4sec (1504 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 28 2020