The Dumbest Russian Voyage Nobody Talks About

there are an abundance of iconic combinations out there like spaghetti and meatballs a sorority girl in a white jeep or depression and alcoholism but like u.s presidents and convertibles not everything can be a match made in heaven and as much as mother russia would love to dominate the high seas nearly landlocked nations and stellar navies don't exactly go hand in hand but for all the russian navy's dismal underwhelming pathetic lack of glory in the early 20th century it's always important to look on the bright side like how it gives me good youtube content so on today's episode i'm going to learn you all about the misadventures of the russian baltic fleet [Music] it's a turn of the 20th century and what better way to kick off a new era than expansion russia is cold which is great for things like stopping nazis and bad ass tick tocks but not ideal for ports having your port turned to ice every winter is what those of us more versed in nautical terms would call not very cash money the russian empire notices china has a pretty nifty port with get this warm water however there's this pesky little thing called a border in the way but that's okay china isn't european it's not a real country so russia takes control and gets the ching to lisa and the port japan doesn't like what they see so they meet with russia and are all like hey vodka boy invading china is our thing but russia won't share leaving diplomacy dead in the water but that's okay the new dlc just dropped and everyone's just itching to try out their new toys so the japanese attacked port arthur kicking off the russo-japanese war fast forward a few battles and the russians are losing pretty badly so the tsar authorizes quite the preposterous proposal of sending the russian baltic fleet to reinforce the east and you may be wondering but blue jay was so preposterous about sending reinforcements well kiddo the baltic part of russian baltic fleet means it operates in get this the baltic and as we learned earlier boats don't like ice so you can't go this way to port arthur meaning the sar author has a plan for an 18 000 mile journey around the world which is 29 000 kilometers or 1 billion 140 million 480 000 gumballs the voyage was also a logistical nightmare as the russians didn't have any holdings in africa or south asia to refuel along the way add that to the fact that the fleet spent months at a time frozen in port so the crew of mostly uneducated peasants couldn't tell you the difference between a bowline knot and a porcelain pot this group of inexperienced conscripts was put under the command of admiral rozatzewenski a man so prone to anger that a staff made sure to keep a large supply of binoculars at the ready due to how often you would throw them overboard but hey [ __ ] it what better way to learn than a trial by fire right so they set sail on their epic quest to turn the tide of the war and bring glory to the motherland and immediately the flagship runs around and a cruiser loses his anger while they waited for the flagship to reflow a destroyer forgot friendly fire was on and rammed into a battleship prompting it to return for repairs don't worry men surely this can't be foreshadowing as the fleet pushed on a growing hysteria spread amongst the crew they were afraid that at any second they'd be ambushed by japanese torpedo boats by denmark this is where the war is if you forgot but the crewman didn't have time to worry about things as frivolous as logic so when two fishermen approached the fleet to deliver a message they opened fire the two fishermen survived the false alarm without a scratch thanks to the horrible standards of the russian gunnery as for their message they informed rear admiral rozetsvensky that he'd been promoted to vice admiral iron this this wouldn't be the only false alarm as later another ship signaled that she was under attack by eight japanese torpedo boats only to find out that there were zero japanese torpedo boats there was just nothing there having survived the baltic our heroes made their way towards britain where they encountered a small group of fishing trawlers at dog or bank but surely by now our skittish sailors have learned their lessons [ __ ] chaos ensued as the russians laid down hellfire upon the unsuspecting fishermen the russians are going bonkers some run around the deck aimlessly waving cutlasses to repel imaginary boarding parties while others just cuddle up on the deck with life jackets accepting their demise keep it up men these japanese have horrendous same igor we haven't even taken a hit but hey at least this time we made sure they weren't fishermen first we're shooting a fisherman aren't we definitely a possibility sir well at least we didn't fire on our own ships killing a sailor and russian orthodox priest the british trawler fleet were sitting ducks as their nets in the water prevented a hasty escape and the russians fired at them for 20 minutes before realizing their mistake while this sounds like the setup for a massacre you forget our heroes are about as effective as a guy holding a fish on tinder sinking only one trawler and damaging two of their own ships the battleship oriole really captured the spirit of a tick-tock pickup artist reportedly shooting 500 shots without scoring a single hit two fishermen and two russians died in the mayhem so at least the survivors can brag at the local pub if they tied with the russian navy this event became known as the dogger bank incident and nearly ignited a war between russia and britain the brits just settled for revoking their access to the suez canal forcing the russians to make a slight tweak in their course the slow coal-powered fleet made its way towards africa attacking more civilians and cutting underwater telegraph cables along the way they met up with some german supply ships to refuel due to the aforementioned lack of african holdings to make port what nice friends of those germans i'm sure the relationship will last africa is pretty big almost as big as my self-loathing so they took on double loads of coal and kept giant piles of the stuff just sitting on deck definitely the kind of thing to land you an epa audit but it's not like any sailors were going to die from black lung except for the ones who did morale is low so the russian crew decides to lift their spirits by treating themselves to the exotic pets of madagascar alright men you all can hey igor stop sniffing glue for a second buddy you all can go to shore and pick out one thing to bring back with you nothing too crazy like snakes or crocodiles motherf what did i say sir i can explain watch it throw back the shot of tito's the ship became a floating zoo as the crew brought on a bunch of animals to roam the deck freely including a crocodile and a venomous snake which apparently took a liking for vodka panic followed shortly when the snake wrapped itself around guns and met a commanding officer one sailor gifted the admiral a parrot which soon took after his rather extensive vocabulary of russian curses the flagship soon became overrun with chameleons who would frequently go missing due to their ability to seamlessly camouflage hey igor have you seen comrade camo i can't find the little guy anywhere no i don't think so have you seen him private yeah i don't think he's seen him either but a good zoo isn't complete without an underwater exhibit and luckily for them the cooling plant on their refrigeration ship broke down forcing them to dump all their meat into the ocean and giving them a nice following of sharks at one point the fleet was holding one of many funerals for a sailor who died of illness during the ceremony the kumchatka fired a gun salute excellent work gentlemen say you boys did make sure to load blanks right yes sir yeah [Music] igor you're looking kind of pale there buddy after some more shenanigans like foiling a mutiny and receiving a shipment of fur boots and coats instead of ammo admiral russets fenske realized that they were approaching japan ah [ __ ] that's right i didn't train them so he decided to run some gunnery practice on a stationary target miraculously our group of misfits managed to score a single hit on the ship towing the target but hey potato potato at long last the baltic fleet closes in on japan approaching the tsushima strait during the night the fleet extinguishes their lights to maintain stealth all except for the orel which as a hospital ship kept them burning in accordance with the rules of war the orel comes upon a japanese ship in the dark and finally after an extensive list of false alarms attacking fishermen and merchants alike across half of the high seas they come across an actual japanese vessel and determine it to be russian so they use their lights to communicate with it the battle of tsushima ensues will our gallant sailors hold their own against the japan the baltic fleet was decimated 4 000 russians die with an additional 7 300 taken prisoner compared to roughly 100 japanese deaths this effectively ended the war marking the first time in history that an eastern power defeated a european one way to go buddy let's add that one to the scoreboard oh oh dear so in conclusion the russian baltic fleet's odyssey around the world is a tale full of shenanigans and blunders with our troublemaking peasant crew racking up quite the body count of innocent civilians and friendlies before seeing an actual enemy and yes while they may have attacked ships from practically ever global power disabled cities communication grids killed fellow sailors with gross negligence of safety practices nearly ignited a major european war and were about as accurate as helen keller playing laser tag they also taught us think to drink vodka 9 out of 10 stars [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: BlueJay

Views: 4,209,968

Keywords: video, sharing, camera phone, video phone, free, upload, The Russian Voyage Nobody Talks About in a Nutshell, The Misadventures of the Russian Baltic Fleet, Russian Baltic Fleet, Dogger Bank Incident, Russo Japanese War, animation, in a nutshell, envelope laser rectangle, comedy, animated comedy, satire, how to, advice, funny, stand up, comedian, hilarious, humor, history, drawing, DIY, imposter, bluejay, blujay, blue, jay, bird, historical, Voyage of the Damned, navy, Russia, Japan, Russian, 1904, disaster

Id: yzGqp3R4Mx4

Length: 8min 46sec (526 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 19 2021