greetings the Church of what happing now is brought to you by Lending Tree did you know that depending on where you get your mortgage you could save $220,000 or more $220,000 or more but 80% of people only get one mortgage offer and if you go with your bank chances are you'll get ripped off maybe screwed Lending Tree doesn't want that to happen so what we're going to do is this are you sure you have the best deal we'll find out how much you could save today by going to lending lendingtree.com church again that's lendingtree.com Church Lending Tree LLC nmls number 1136 terms and conditions apply but listen don't get ripped off go to Lending Tree . right now another thing it's summertime the Winter's coming the holidays are coming Thanksgiving coming you're still lonely you know why cuz you look like a morovan your underwears you're still wearing tidy whes with skid marks and they got that yellow stay in the front who who wants to be with you listen you want to look good in your 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what me again and again again you filthy animal such an awful spin in the oh this my black people with black people you understand listen to that music Anything Could Happen Church what's happening now you bad [ __ ] bird Cher my favorite Christ killer Lisa that's going to be a good one [ __ ] ready here you go babyy [Music] baby baby head down close to me put your head down here we go give it to me open that little bat it's a church with What's Happening Now how bad of a jam is that that's [ __ ] amazing you know what's crazy she didn't do it any more alive after she became a born- again Christian for why yeah cuz people start [ __ ] in the audience right you hear that song you're like what going to suck my dick how about you with the Yankee hat on how about you with the Yankee hat on B Christ is here this evening it's a late podcast but that's how we do it we got to put the girls to sleep I had to take the girl swimming today she got promoted to the higher class she was jumping really you know she sits in there for 30 minutes and it's like a constant smile and every 10 minutes she looks over to watch if you're watching them and you have to give them a heads up you know what I'm saying and they go [ __ ] bananas she got out where did I take him to eat tonight I took him to they wanted to go to [ __ ] uh Jersey mice yeah she kept saying she wanted to go to the salami restaurant which made me think what the [ __ ] who's giving a dick give that stinky [ __ ] Italian dick around here so we went in there you know it's a real pleasure to especially where I came from you came from a tightened family to be doing the little things I do we go home we [ __ ] go on the computer I make a type in Smurfs and [ __ ] trolls and spell for me we sit there and then after 15 minutes you look me straight in the face she goes Daddy can you leave now I'm like okay thanks for throwing me out of my [ __ ] office yeah and that's it that's that's my nights she just dressed for 15 minutes she goes you know what take a [ __ ] hike yeah and I bet you go through the same thing at a different level in your home today today Isa said to me uh I said I said I was working and she said she pulled me aside in the room and goes hey could you not work so much and I said no she goes no I mean like is there a way for you to like work one less day a week she CU you're working every night and I feel like I don't get to do things with you I was like I know but that's kind of my job happens at night and I try to do stuff during the day I worked all day today too and all night and then I said okay I said don't worry I'm doing Joey's podcast tonight but I'm not going to get picked up till 9:00 that's your bedtime so we watch Wreck-It Ralph and I I said to her at 8:30 I said now Joey may come at like 8:45 so just so you know I may have to leave early and I just kind of rolled her eyes got real frustrated then I and then you called and you called right when the movie and ended I said Joey's outside n it goes you held your promise I was like yeah of course I did I would have left at 8:45 but but she was she talked about on my podcast I was doing the intro to my podcast this afternoon and she walked in the man cave and started talking about on the podcast but yeah that [ __ ] sucks they grow up man I say I I I wish I had listened to you guys earlier I think it was a mistake doing Travel Channel as long as I did I needed to do it cuz I needed the money and I enjoyed the experience I had a great time but I was gone for such long chunks that I really missed out on a lot of [ __ ] you know what I mean and then on the weeks I had off I do standup and it was just burning it at both ends I had a dad who worked at night and yeah he he he wasn't there as much but I mean college for me was 50 Grand a year when it's when your kids go to school it's going to be 100 Grand a year yeah so like you'll need that like it's I don't know you become a comedian and for some of us you know I mean I one thing about me is I got a job 3 months into comedy that paid me $200 a month doing comedy yeah which not a lot of people have no I got 25 bucks a night yeah that's when I first started yet so it's like and now if I did one show a week that's what I got paid for you don't leave from 1991 and I got no reason to [ __ ] to to to 2001 it was basically hand them out yeah like we were talking about taxes I didn't pay taxes from 91 to 2003 when I went to the IRS they said listen it's we only go back seven years you only go back seven years and I laughed and I said I'm stand we started get into the conversation and I go I'm a standard Comedia started in ' 91 yeah I go I didn't make a dime I I was making I could have collected food stamps it was like 8 Grand a year when I lived in Seattle I lost money when I first started did math it was like $8,600 that one year in 95 I made but you know you you look at the years that you starve for and then Life Starts becoming life but then life throws a curveball at you it gets you a hot ass girlfriend and you're living in LA and you're doing comedy spots at the store next thing you know jet Appo calls you you do two episodes are crashing now you're selling tickets let me ask you something and let me ask the people at on you know you have this family but at the same time you have this job that's Thursday through Saturday you're going to start small you're not going to start at $25 a night and also the more you go out the more you build an audience and the more money you make it's a no-brainer but it's just like anything else in life Bert not everybody is the same My First Love of this comedy game was Richard Pry my second love was Andrew Dice Clay and then Bill Hicks and then kenison but in there was a guy by the name of Joe Rogan yeah and I really learned a lot from him and he was the he's the luckiest man in the world because he creates his own opportunities he got on news radio and news radio ended when the guy got shot basically then he had like a year off he already had that notoriety I still remember he told me once what they were paying him on the road when he was on news radio and it was nothing really and then one time they offered him Carolines like 3 days before and he got a first class ticket that was $100 more than what they were paying him he told me the story like they weren't paying them dick on the road really yeah and the road the after news radio then when Fear Factor came he got busy but all this [ __ ] happened and it was like he was burning the candle at both end but I noticed that Fear Factor was paying him which gave him a big advantage over a lot of other Comics that they don't necessarily need to go out yeah when you buy a $3 million house because you're making 20 grand for 2 years and all of a sudden your show gets cancelled and your crowds go to half guess what you're in a [ __ ] bent yeah that means you got to go out 50 weeks a year to keep the [ __ ] lights on and you put your your kid in Campbell Hall that's another 34 which is starting to crack me up I couldn't wait to have you on the podcast to talk about like the school that your daughter goes to or both of them and the one mine's going to go to supposedly I even went and looked it up it's a high- rated [ __ ] school in the valley number one school in the valley but you'll talk to people and when you ask them where your kids going to go they'll tell you how they go they go to a private school and then when you tell them you're going to go to that school they roll their [ __ ] eyes at you I've had this 10 times the last two weeks I even had a kid that was selling lemonade on the corner I went with my daughter I see this poor kid with a mother 90° heat sing [ __ ] lemonade I run home I see I go come on girls Let's Take a Walk let's take you know studio is a nice [ __ ] place like a little walk take a walk we get to the corner the girl's five you know right away she starts torturing Mercy you know you're four I'm five you're still a baby and Mercy's like [ __ ] you [ __ ] just give me some lemonade the little dad can I fish suer the little little fat girl wanted a dollar for the [ __ ] glass of his lemonade so uh the little girl asked Mercy are you in school yet and mercy goes yeah you know I go Mercy doesn't know what the [ __ ] going on the girl's torturing her yeah she go when I got to this school and and my wife asked the mom well don't you live close to she goes yeah right down the block she goes why wouldn't you go to this grammar school and the little girl goes yuck like I got to the school and me my daughter and my [ __ ] wife looked at the little girl and the mother finally goes don't say that like where'd she hear that from yeah she heard it from you you stanky [ __ ] so as we're walking back that's why she's my blood and my daughter and that's why I go on the road and do the [ __ ] I don't want to do yeah she looked at me and she goes daddy she was mean and I didn't like her lemonade anyway she just threw it up in the [ __ ] air they you know what that's why I [ __ ] stay at home two weeks of [ __ ] that's when you go and get her Pony get right now [ __ ] what's his name was here 3 weeks ago who this guy goes out on the road every week and he's 60 I'm embarrassed who Ron White Ron White I'm embarrassed but at the same time he has no children no he's got a son he's got a son but he's an older I think his son works for him and I think he just I'm yeah he just got divorced he just got divorced so if I was him I'd live on the [ __ ] road Ro I'd live on the road when you have nobody at home listen you how many times on a Friday I'm sitting on my couch and I go I could have been on a road this weekend yeah know my wife just informed me that she's going to a [ __ ] women's party with the kid tomorrow around the corner and Sunday they got church I'm not even going to [ __ ] see him anyway I got a spot here what what the [ __ ] did I stay home for yeah if my wife's on a period I don't I I'm definitely on the road oh those the date you pick to go on if I'm on her cycle yeah yeah you always did I said keep me in town for the girls birthdays Halloween Halloween Mother's Day Thanksgiving Christmas are going to work New Year's Eve and then every night every time you have a peri your period I went on the road and now my daughter's psycho Georgia I shouldn't say that out loud but I guess Georgia is a woman now I don't want to hit his [ __ ] and her cycle is the same as lean's cycle so cuz I guess that's what happens so they all their Cycles team up so now I'm I'm out when both of them are just Bo [ __ ] as [ __ ] I used to [ __ ] I used to get coked up with this girl and she let me eat a little monkey wh off on the titties and [ __ ] like that whenever I was in the mood for anybody he was a tremendous ear beat you had to take from yeah and then she played the card like why should she let you eat a [ __ ] for an hour you but you kept snorting coke and yeah whatever yeah and next thing know you little monkey and [ __ ] I knew her cycle so on those nights when she called me drunk and go where are you I'll be there I [ __ ] you I can't you know what I'm saying I do her psycle yeah if I can't eat your monkey I'm not wasting a gram on you to take that of your Beating without di suck how do you keep that information in your head I just love that you chose I just knew from the 22nd to the 27 she's beding the 22nd to the 27 she's bleeding there's no reason to go over there not even to say hello I had a chck [ __ ] when she was on her period once that's disgusting she didn't tell me we were too young we were like 17 and I guess she had her period but she didn't you know it's like now my wife would just be like hey I'm on my period you can't do that but I guess it's 17 that's something you just go I won't say that to anybody I'll just hope I hope it's not that bad oh my God I was coked up one night Miami and I hooked up with this girl that she told me from the beginning so I knew I was a dead man but after a [ __ ] few grams of coke I said take that little bat out and show it to me she goes since I had my period I didn't really shave it she took off her panties it looked like [ __ ] Julius Irving it had so much hair I cut through that [ __ ] thing I took that tampon I pushed it to the side that little fuse yeah and I just licked that clip for about 10 minutes until my came in my pants and I just went to sleep that's the only time I ever messed around with a girl at that time of the month so what did you do close your eyes you you passed out what I just listen I was on [ __ ] two eight balls of coke you could stab me with 22 needles it wouldn't matter at that time I was like Whitney Houston at the time of her death numb that's what Whitney died us she was so numb she went in the bathtub and she didn't feel the temperature of the water what that's a true story watch [ __ ] uh autopsy but a lot of people she didn't die from she died from cocaine but in a different way was it too hot the water was too hot she boiled herself something weird happened to her oh the the thing and she slipped and hit her head something weird the uh there's a there's a thing that happens when you get into a really hot bathtub it rises your blood pressure uh I read a book about this when I was a kid about a they um if they I don't know [ __ ] I forget how it goes but they were making baths they were giving these people this medication that raised their blood pressure and then giving them putting them in as soon as they got hot bath they just die because I don't know I don't know it's the same reason they you see on hot tubs people with heart problems shouldn't get into this hot tub if you've been drinking don't get in this hot tub it's cuz your blood pressure is up I can't go into hot tubs cuz I always get sty I don't know I have bad luck with hot tubs sty yeah first off who goes into a hot tub it's 201 [ __ ] 18 I love hot tub if you're going into a hot tub you better flow and what do what listen to Jimmy Buffett records and drink tequil in I would love to have a hotong doing a [ __ ] hot tub like a [ __ ] monkey anything get a steamer a fits you know I I want to get one of those outdoor uh saunas little circle wood things I would love one of those with all the [ __ ] diseases and all the [ __ ] that is crazy when you think about all the [ __ ] diseases of that are in a hotel pool and then people just get in the hot tub that's stew of just you know there's coming there you know every kid pisses in there nobody takes a shower you got to assume for some listen for some Americans a pool jump is a shower yeah there's some people who think by jumping in the pool they get out and clean they don't swipe their ass they don't scrub the nuts the same way dead skin develops around your face you got to get off of the loofer yeah what do you think develops around your skin when you get a you come you watch a 600lb life when you become one of those fat [ __ ] and you stop bathing my daughters and I are obsessed with my 600lb life is that the best show on television obsessed OB the best show on I watch four episodes the two brothers that hated each other those two morons and the one brother that went the one kid that was on pills that the finally the kid finally said to him you know if the next time you fake pain and go to an emergency room and get a prescription they're going to charge you with a felony because you've already exceeded the amount of Lifetime prescriptions a person could get in Texas really you know when you're a fat [ __ ] I think that that show does something to you like you have to watch it and go I don't want to be that person but those people who that happens to it's a tossup I sit there and watch it and I want listen to their words and I watch their environment and I think what happen like the fat dude was on pills you know what makes a person go you know what I lost my job and part of it could be the beginnings of the depression but now the depression is worn off and there you are 800 [ __ ] PBS later yeah it's it was a weird thing about the show it like there's a lot of people who wh on it like who like pretend like they're trying to lose weight there was a couple like women on the first cuz I haven't had cable for a couple years so the the first few seasons there were some women who just like would just lie and they had cameras in their faces nobody nobody showing what they eat nobody is going to oh yeah everyone lies about what I mean it's no it's uh it's a sickness absolutely the one kid that was eating how many Pizza pies the kid up in New Hampshire the brothers that was the one kid oh yeah yeah the kid had he would call his father from Houston to order dominoes for him in Houston and the dad was in New Hampshire yeah he was order was he not eating eight pizzas a day it's you know I I I I don't I deal with uh I think my real Addiction in life is food meaning like like tonight when I go home it's going to be really it's it's a real battle for me to just go lay in the bed and go to sleep and not want to eat something when I get home like and I've been there where you just go [ __ ] it and then you just start eating and you just can't stop you're like I'm already a you know and I but i' and I've been the biggest I was 265 and when I was at 265 part of you was just like I can't turn this boat around we're sailing so fast in this direction I don't know how to turn this boat around and then finally when you start getting momentum you're like oh there we go it's like it's like I don't know man I empathize with those people I empathize with those people cuz I go I feel like I'm I've been there I've been there you I was on my way I would have been absolutely on my you were huge yeah and I'm I've gained like 15 20 lbs back I was I was 3:15 I got down to 227 and I'm 245 247 right now I'm the longest yard for a second the the [ __ ] and when we all jump into lak I forget you were bigger than this watch this like I forget you were big like whenever this is on like you scroll down and there's a scene that it says you're The Longest Yard Comedy Central yeah if it's at like the hour mark I'll put it on just to watch that scene and it makes me feel like the 600 lb man I forget I forget you were big and I forget saguro was big you got to watch this scene like saguro still looks fat to to me when I see him no I saw on Friday he looks tremendous he's a [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah he looks really good he looks really good he really worked him and Rogan are like birth gained all the way back dude I'm still 222 27 I was 217 and then I I went back up to 222 the other day but uh but yeah I'm still 220 I'm that's why I float at 220 up and down and so uh but I'd like to get I don't know if I want to get like I don't know if I want to do my next special at 205 where I look like what are you at right now right now 220 probably 220 222 yeah flooded practice field if you want where where you at right now today probably three yeah really you don't look like you don't look like 300 lb go all the way to the end keep going keep going keep going keep going click it there you guys are going to see something that's really [ __ ] absurd this every time I see this I go oh my God a [ __ ] took it out all right go to the other one hey when you when was was Chris Rock fun to work with um yeah everybody in that movie was did did he hang out or was he go to that one mud scene um those guys came and went that's Chris Rock like he would come and shoot uh three scenes and then leave for a week and you can't blame someone like that he's got kids he's keeping a marriage together no no but I do I if I was that guy I'd be hanging out a lot oh Chris Rock yeah I'd be I'd be on set [ __ ] around and my favorite things are being on set well he came with his family you know we shot long days and uh Goldberg yeah some of the guys hung out and some of them did you know look at that look at that just look at that see if the they have another scene at the end yeah how much were you weighing there at that point I was click it to see the third one they have another one to see okay look at that look at my stomach that you're I just saw your face your face doesn't even look like you no it was keep going keep [Music] going so wait how how a little bit more Have You Ever Seen the Rain scene go up go go go go go go right there go right there how big were you at that point right there I was 380 so you weren't even at your highest no I walked on that set maybe 360 soon as I hit New Mexico I probably [Music] gained 15 [ __ ] pounds right off the bat when I got home from New Mexico I went to the doctor because they kept bu busting my balls about blood pressure what was your blood pressure at the time look at that and I was at I think you know how the scale goes all the way to 350 yeah he kept pushing it and he finally said to me it ends at 350 but when it's here you're probably at 390 right now wow so that was like uh watch this now you ready if they keep this [ __ ] scene [Music] in who's that guy look at that oh my God wait go back and just freeze it on that one po spot can you yeah that doesn't even look like you Joey now what you don't see is my hands are up yeah that's as high as my hands could probably go then that's number one number two that my stomach was as extended as my chest at the time yeah like I had so much fat over here like that had developed right here really like when I felt this bone I went to the doctor immediately I'm like I got cancer he goes no you don't that's your [ __ ] like he goes what do you mean you never felt that I haven't felt this in years yeah that's how because all that fat I had built out a bunch of fat under my ribs my tits and my [ __ ] stomach were one dude my chest in my stomach will won I you know my there's pictures of me if you go online you can find them there there's pictures of me just type in fat BT and man when I was 265 and and that's not but it's not it's not far off man that I I was I didn't even know I was fat I really did I thought it was like no man I got a big I got a barrel chest I wasn't weighing myself that's the key that's the key you weigh your if you weigh yourself every day then you're held accountable and you find out you really find out [ __ ] what did I drink last night oh I ate this I ate that yeah no you're fit no yeah yeah yeah go I'll show you that's nothing that's nothing that's nothing type in fat bird uh Preston and Steve okay scroll down I'll show you down scroll down scroll down you'll see it me in a speedo in a jean short Speedo oh Jesus oh right there to the right yeah look at that what were you there 265 drinking Fireball and drink and and Jack at 6: in the morning at Preston and Steve Jesus yeah but you know it was em like Shyamalan was there and it was a fun time I had a good time I can't lie to you now when you go to those radio shows in the morning you get Hamed in the morning you go home and sleep at all yeah I don't get I don't get like you know I not it's like me eating four or five stars right you get a little buzz but I get buzzed and then then and then I go to bed and I wake up and I get on the treadmill and I'll walk or I'll just go right to the club wake up right before the show go to the club but it's not getting like like if my wife did it she wouldn't be able to function but if I can do it very easily I will say that I am I am healthier like I I definitely feel better in the weekend when that doesn't happen like when you go in and do radio and there's no booze and they're like no no like like uh I'm forget where I was just at but there was no booze and I was like oh okay that's fine I don't mind I don't mind not drinking but if they're going to have a cocktail I'll have a [ __ ] cocktail you know so it's the same way if like someone lit a joint you're not going to say no you be like I'll take a hit you know but those those radio shows some of them get out of control some of like those fall sick to work tours I do those are insane man I've been on stage where I've been blacked out and not been able to function and then you go home how long do you need to sleep to be back that you want to know what happened so I was in Tampa and uh I do a call work I go to CAD show my CTA I do his show and we start drinking on air and and I and I start drinking uh uh Manhattan and I and I'm not even my God at what time it's like 700 in the morning shows at 10:00 or shows at noon but we get done at 10:00 and we drink all morning and I and I don't feel it I'm really not feeling it and then I get to the club I'm a little buzzed but it's sold out they've already drank the club out of beer the fans drank everyone out of beer the there's no beer left all they're at making is mixed drinks so that means just everyone's already [ __ ] hammered now they're going to get more hammered cuz they can't get anything but mixed drinks so I get on stage and they start sending Fireballs like crazy like like maybe I maybe I did I don't even know how many I did all I know is I blacked out I did a a meet and greet don't remember any of the meet and greet um there are pictures of me with my eyes just like this like huh my dad picks me up and my parents had built a new house that I'd never been to so I I remember my old house my dad picks me up takes me to my new house his new house that he's living in with my mom I pass out in the guest room I wake up my dad's not there and I have no [ __ ] idea where I am I get up I'm like okay I don't know what state I'm in I don't know like I'm I'm trying to you know how you wake up some mornings you're like wait where the [ __ ] am I I'm like am I in Tampa I'm like [ __ ] I'm literally panicking looking around this house I don't recognize anything I've never been to this house and then my dad walks in I go what are you doing here and he's like boy buddy you you were in a rough mode when I picked you up I was like I I didn't know who the [ __ ] house I was at but yeah those those calling sck to work shows get out of control no how many hours do you have get have to sleep to wake up and be Tip Top M go four oh God oh my God for like see like when you come in here and you watch us eat in Edibles that blows me away and you get blown away I got I'm blown away that does nothing like what what you professionally do and I got to tell you something I grew up in a bar yeah I grew up around people who drank you know I know who's faking the funk yeah to be cool and I know who's really rocking and WR yeah you know what I'm saying I know a lot of comedians that fake the funk to be cool like yeah been drinking all time that's great go tell your little [ __ ] buddies at The Improv that impress them but I know [ __ ] who really and you're one of those guys and I've always admired that number one I'm a child of the 70s what did you see on TV in the 70s when I was on uh Rogan's the other day we I showed him the beginning of the original Longest Yard everybody in the that was great everybody in the house in the 70s everybody every TV show at one point of knock on the door open it up come in and Bert would get up and it wasn't like would you like a drink or what are you drinking you turned around and there was a glass thing that was brown it could be anything wild turkey yeah B it could be anything and they poured two and they gave you one and the gentleman drank it what is this it's G I'm an antibiotics right now no nobody was on antibiotics and if you did you would too embarrassed to tell somebody just give me the [ __ ] whiskey and drink it you know I tried that B I desperately tried to fit in as a drinker early on and it was like I would puke I would pass out but I'm the same way that you are with booze with weed cuz I don't mind smoking a little weed like I can I I have a only CU I'm running a lot I I hit out this packs vaporizer and it just it in my opinion I don't feel it in my lungs the next day like I like the packs but I like the one that you put weed in this is that's this one no because you said it's got a point I got two I got two I got one to travel with right and then I got this one where you pack that's the best thing going oven and for me jogging wise it doesn't [ __ ] with my lungs that's the best one going cuz when I when I hit like a i this sounds so silly but like if I hit a joint with paper I can feel it the next day when I run listen it's a very La statement no no it's not I need this weed for my jogging why the [ __ ] do you think I smoke out of a bun actually Bronson was the other day that kid could smoke hours you had action Bron on yeah he could smoke for [ __ ] days dude his first album was [ __ ] I just listen to [ __ ] D it's great there's a there's the song you guys don't play music on here yeah we do whatever [ __ ] you want this is the song that I [ __ ] I've just I I man I'm really impressed with that kid yeah me too I say kid only cuz I'm so much older than him but uh Action Bronson the Dr lecor album is it uh suede have you heard that I don't know I don't think so is it this one exhale the [ __ ] Essence I love this I just like this beat p l l everything is marel kid on this side we shine like the sun though tonight dude every [ __ ] rhyme he's got I like this this is one that first turned me on to him type [ __ ] man I stand up I'm a [ __ ] I just love the I love the Cadence of it the third floor your class was in the basement you know what that means you got a the retardation me too F blown just like the though spit the silky [ __ ] that's ankle L like a kimono uh sharp instruments to rock like a FL I love dude I love Action Bronson you know what man I didn't know who he was oh he's great man talking [ __ ] from the Rogan podcast you guys got must got [ __ ] Hammer kept telling me to bring him on he came on dog he didn't stop rolling joints he smokes conly if you can get cancer from marijuana he'll be the test he'll be the one he'll be the first guy it's hysterical I could go bong the bong I mean I could smoke bangs all [ __ ] night yeah he smokes dab he's a big yeah I can't do that's it I'm done with all that [ __ ] but why don't you do dabs because I don't want to blowtorch a [ __ ] house I I listen yeah cuz I guess if you got that blowtorch going and you're doing a dab and you pass out and you light a [ __ ] house on fire it's a joke it's a [ __ ] joke I grew up in the [ __ ] 80s people are having a great time people were going out and going bird you want to do BL yeah let's get a grandma blow people having a great time and then one day I just grad at high school and this dude Steve valanis comes up to me calls me and he goes hey man I hear you got some good Coke I want to hook you up with this dude like all right we got my boy Timmy's listening to this he's dying he gets in the car with me and Timmy's brother Roger and we go down to this hotel in tunley Avenue tunley Avenue is like where [ __ ] crack people hang out there was no crack at that time really it was 19 it was summer of 82 we pull into this nasty Hotel he this black dude with a pimp cool as [ __ ] and you know I give him the coke I sell it to him he gives me the cash he he tasted it he goes it's tremendous he didn't say it was tremendous he says good stuff and he goes uh you guys ever smoke it and I'm like no and he right there in front of us it was 2:00 in the afternoon yeah he cooked it up you know in those days you had like the vial that you see that tube right there yeah you'd had one of those was a little thicker you feel it you fill half of it with water and you put uh half a gram of coke in there and two points of baking soda and you shake it up shake it up shake it up shake it Shake It Up Shake It Up Shake It Up put some heat to it and all a sudden the cup would burn out and you get a little rock you got to get a [ __ ] silk handkerchief or pair your Fest [ __ ] silk socks and lean it and then put the rock on top of there and then you had to wait 5 minutes at the Harden and then I had take the rock cut it up and we'd sit there and put it in to a pipe and we had to start the process all over again shake and it was cool for the afternoon yeah but we smoked the whole a ball in 10 [ __ ] minutes and then I went home but it was interesting to me but already there was a head shop in my Union City New Jersey I forget what it's called some hit me up in 2 minutes on Twitter and tell me east west and they had a [ __ ] starter crack kit what starter free base they called it remember when it came on the scene it was it was not crack it was free base and you went down there and for 50 bucks which was a lot of money I remember paying 50 and going I can just get a half R of coke why am I doing this at that time I got Coke from a guy named camel breath cuz he smoke Camel cigarettes all the time what I fil this and his cigarette his mustache was orange and his fingers are orange and do you know that till today he still won't friend me on Facebook he's still alive oh he's still alive camel bre he's about smoking I don't think had to quit yeah he's about 70 if I'm 54 he's got to be 70 something oh my God C breath I thought I totally thought he was middle EAS we used to get Coke no we used to get Coke from him and he used to sell us Coke in a vial already whenever you got Coke from the camel if you bought an eight ball instead of giving you C from the camel instead of giving you three and a half he just give you four tubes and call even so I went over there and bought like 12 eight balls one night I collected I did thing it was 60 a piece he was giving them to me for I would sell them for 100 he was doing me a favor those days 82 I if I was selling for 80 I was still making 20 bucks so I went over there and bought like [ __ ] 10 of those things and I went to my buddy's house we opened up that [ __ ] kit and me him and another one of us just started [ __ ] doing that kicking it up and I never foret waking up on his couch the next morning there was three of us everybody to sleep I looked at the table and every single Coke bottle that I had was turned upside down like an order yeah like bullets and I'm like oh my God we smoked all that [ __ ] last night at the end of the day just wasn't worth it how do you pass out when you do that much we were doing qus then is that you yeah we were [ __ ] whenever you hung out with my man see that's my thing that I I won't do is if I I I feel like if I have a if I have a heart like I had a real rough week partying in New York uh I I might have done drugs I'm not certain I was pretty blacked out one night and I don't I don't ever black out but I was definitely blacked out and I saw someone else do drugs and he doesn't do drugs at all at all I saw two people do drugs that don't do drugs and I went I just remember giggling at it and then I woke up and I was like I think I [ __ ] did drugs last night and I was shaky like shaky and then I went in I did Jim and Sam and I had a big cup of coffee and then me and Sam went to go see Planet of the Apes the new one and I went home and I was like [ __ ] man I I I can't operate but I won't take a Xanax to chill out and just go to bed cuz I feel like hey man if you're going to dig these Graves you got to live in them like you know what I mean does that make sense no no no I ad my you got to pay the piper you can't [ __ ] I'm punitive about that like this morning I woke up I did a podcast with uh you know Adam Rand and uh Brad Williams and we got pretty [ __ ] lit Adam Ray smoked Adam Ray smoked two joints just by himself just by himself I told him you and Adam you and Adam would get down I think both them like he's a big weed guy but we stayed up until like midnight I go to sleep at like 2 I wake up at 7 I have a call back for a voice over and I go I'm punitive I go no man you're not allowed to be that party guy and not work out so I get on the treadmill and I run two really hard miles I walked one intermittently and then ran two really hard miles and I was like [ __ ] it here we go and then I I get sweating I get in the shower I keep I get in real hot shower so I keep sweating I get out of the shower I let my keep self keep sweating to get all the impurities out and then I rolled into the voice over and I felt really good I felt fantastic girl said how do you how you doing today I said probably the best I've been in a while I love that feeling got in the new car drove the new car oh it was a [ __ ] [ __ ] great morning and then I went down to All Things comedy shot some promos came home had dinner I'm here but I didn't feel so good this morning you just got to punish yourself don't be don't go American with it punish yourself don't say I'm going to tap out and take a Xanax say I'm getting on the tread bar I'm going to do kettle bells or I'm going to go to Jiu-Jitsu I'm going to do you said it today I'm I smoked all that all that joint I'm doing two sessions of jiujitsu 12 if you're not punitive I don't think you succeed well I was about 14 I started getting popular you know my freshman year I started [ __ ] around and seeing other people at first I just stood in my neighbor remember my my hometown is really big there's seven grammar schools I kept them my own grammar school but after a while you stretch out into other territories and you kids and ah that was the fun times those are the fun times I and I hung out with these kids that had older brothers and their older brothers were the [ __ ] yeah so whenever they had parties and bought me a pass to go to those parties so it's probably my freshman year like April it's not hot yet but it's not cold yet they liveed maybe 3/4 of a mile from my house and the beaut about this family when my mother died they asked me if I want to live with them and I really didn't know him that well and I thank them but they had a shed and the the one that was my age you we would get together five nights a week in the no heat yeah no heat New Jersey November you come over we smoke 25 joints but there ain't no heat L of nights we spent out there but it was one of those nights and he called me up he goes my brother's having one of his [ __ ] crazy parties it's only going to be me you and kti that are invited from our age group don't say nothing they just don't want no younger kids there yeah you know and I went expecting to get abused a little bit that's what you do when you're a sophomore and you're in a room with seniors yeah especially after they won the state championship in football and they're all [ __ ] yolked and you know so I go down there a matter of fact that wasn't what it was they were very nice to me but these guys weren't druggies they were [ __ ] crazy white boozers so what they did was they would do things n other nobody else did at parties again that's what I loved about them like this particular party they just went shopping and bought every [ __ ] flavor of booze they can and they took a garbage can and they put a baggie in it and they just filled it up with [ __ ] booze ice cubes and fruit it made a hunch punch it tasted like garbage but they also went and killed the 100 bees and threw them in the punch what to flavor the yeah yeah yeah everything with these guys was pure savagery one time they had a Christmas party and I walked in and there was a table and they were breaking glass on the table and they were eating glass at a party they were [ __ ] nuts they were nuts and that's why I liked them they see they k h oh they went hunting for bees and sprinkled and cut their heads off or cut The Stingers off and threw them all in this [ __ ] so you didn't know what the [ __ ] you were drinking in there they threw mesk in there you know but you didn't know till you get there I'm [ __ ] 14 you know like I said I'm a pot smoker at that time I did a little mcing oh my God I had done angel dust maybe once or twice I'm not a profession I love that they killed 100 bees they went bee hunting I don't even know where you find bees me neither I don't Al yeah but then how do you get them to be there they went they killed them then they cut their [ __ ] Stingers off and they threw them into this punch and me stinky and a vill go to his party and I don't know nothing about n they're pouring it with a tadle into your glass and there's one guy that would come up to you there's one guy that would come up to you and just punch you in the chest every time baboom and let me see that [ __ ] glasses an empty youngster I mean he would just cave your chest do you know that in this story I see a punched up version of your album cover do you ever see Jo you know Joey's album cover of like I all I see is like a little bit bigger version of that kid so here you go that kid that is my favorite picture of you Joey oh that kid picture can you pull that up real quick so I can see it Savage Dad no the picture of me oh the documentary uh uh splack those hams what did your mom say SP those whaton Damon D hamon that when there's a part of you that I don't think everyone knows about me but before I even met you I was on the road doing Travel Channel and I become a fan of Rogan's podcast and I and I I knew Tommy I knew Ari a little bit I I kind of knew Redban and I didn't know you at all but you guys are my favorite ones to listen to and so I would put you guys on in the bed next to me in in the bed on my iPad and I just let it play cuz I had anxiety on the road CU I was doing crazy [ __ ] and I was like oh it's like my my friends are in the other room and I'm home although even and it sounds so crazy but not to anyone listening cuz you know what you're say you know what I'm saying but like even though I wasn't even didn't even know you I still felt like my friends were in the other room I didn't even know Joe at the time but I still felt like my friends were in the other room I love that [ __ ] picture that is where did I where where I get my balls from that is my f favorite that is such a great [ __ ] picture if I tell you something guys let me tell you the [ __ ] story behind this picture that is such great came my mom came from deck guys it was nine kids and two parents in a bedroom and my uncle told me that they used to [ __ ] uh look at the bracelet the bracelet in those days was two of these it was two of these really cut so you see it's a double bracelet but let me tell you the story behind this guys just to show you I think I'm Rogan one time I said immigrant mentality and people always make fun of me and [ __ ] my mom grew up in this thing and what my mom told me one time is that since they were so poor they didn't celebrate birthdays and it always bothered my mother but the mother likes that like my grandmother believed in it but my grandfather didn't because they were so poor he didn't want them he couldn't give them a gift so he wouldn't celebrate that birthday so my mother always swore that if she ever had a family on that kid's or daughter's birthday she would lose her [ __ ] mind my mom would work hard all [ __ ] year to wait for this my mom's big season was from December 17th to January 7th if I brought you to the bar from December 17th to January 7th if you were 13 or 12 yeah and you came in and acted cute in front of my mom my mom would give you 50 bucks and say and so now you like my mom what but that's not the point yes the point is every year she would hire the photographer from the New York City newspaper the Spanish newspaper Dara and this guy would come to my mother's bar from the age of three that I came from Cuba and every February 19th that whole week my mom would take those suit a tailor made really she would tailor make those two of them I'd have a morning party and a night party you ready this is where Burke rer would have fell right into my family the morning party was children children under 12 children under 18 they came there was ham there was balitos little nice sandwiches ham uh deviled ham Cuban sty white bread have you ever had that [ __ ] [ __ ] that's what else I got to show you Lee when I show you this you might be saying I I was going to go to Boston to visit my mother but me and Paul are going to go to Miami now I can't take it no more [ __ ] listen balitos are like [ __ ] 10 cents a piece it's on wonder Bradley it's it's Devil's ham Cuban style on wonder BR they cut the edges off Lee once you bite into it you're done so I'm not getting anything until I get a peppara that that thing a peppera so uh you see that that's ham there's balitos so here's what gets interesting I see the happy birthday in the back this is this is on on the board oh [ __ ] this is this is this is the daytime party my mother's big highlight was in the daytime party there was a Piata and when you pulled the string it was for kids yeah and there would be like candies and stuff but there would also be like $20 bills for the kids what and there was an adult pinata that's when all the kids went home and then the parents came I'd come out with a different suit the parents no my mother was a SP my mother was you have no idea my mother was a SPI SPI you know a SPI SPI is she took it to the that that I had that bracelet on by the time I was two like I had a man's bracelet on when I was two for the adult party she would put little aluminum foils with cocaine in them for the adults and put them in the pinata and about 9:30 they pulled the string and all these adults would be on the floor for cocaine and [ __ ] and she would take me and go go in there get in there and mix it up with those and pick up all the aluminum foils that you see from Mommy and I remember I knew what was in those foils I knew what was in those foils I may believe I didn't know what was in those foils I haven't heard the term SPI in so long oh yeah it's in these CL like that was that was growing up in high school that and I and I say this like and I'm sure there's there's no one PC listening to this podcast but like growing up that's what we call like that was it was just like a term of endearment well when the [ __ ] came up you you're from where Tampa so [ __ ] all we all C Jesus Christ we got to deal with these SPS on the other side of town now what's the name of the town oh I remember I remember they going uh uh oh my go what like I remember going up to a lunch table and go uh ah hey can you Spix scoot over Spix was like a it was a great nickname I'm sure it was offensive to guys you know like very offensive off you know what it stands for yes why I thought so is it just for Spanish people no there [ __ ] is a acronym oh okay I don't I think I heard Spanish people in our country oh my God Spanish people in command [ __ ] in Jesus Christ take to the part of the documentary where carine Bano says it when I was I love that picture though so is this a morning party or a night party that was the morning party see the kids in the back do you remember that picture at all yeah so listen my mom would take them and put them in albums she'd take them so when I was the last party she had for me was when I was 14 so she had basically 11 albums from this country yeah from those parties they were wrapped they were thick and they went from the beginning me walking into the bar on the ice February 19th to all the way to I could look at I could I could literally can I can I man you know sigar and I were talking about you the other day behind your back in the best possible way you were so funny on Rogan and you weren't you weren't trying at all that there's a thing about your personality that that is it's almost like the the top of the mountain when it comes to like guys like me and S who found our voices on podcasting but like you are so in the moment you could tell a story better for the first time then I could tell a story better working on it for 4 years does that make sense and I even say that about you like you telling a story for the first time has such a genuine energy and we were like God man like thank God a medium like this came I'll say this for me thank God a medium like this came along for me Meo cuz but me and you me and you and like Miss Pat like so we would have been dead without this medium right now [ __ ] I said I said to My AG or I said my agent maybe or someone they were we were talking to about um about social me and they're like well you've really blown up on podcasting and I said yeah but I think podcasting for and I use me and you interchangeably only because because I think it's done really good things for our careers but I go I know 10 people it's done great things for that care I could hit 10 people who were doing tremendously different who started podcasting took them a while to get it going yeah and once you pick up the momentum and it's just being honest being consistent get faded out of podcasting very quickly very quickly and they'll keep you'll see them they were in the first they were in the first run of Rogan when Rogan was like let's have this guy on and then he's just like I'll never have that guy on again it's tough talking to a guy doesn't know who he is like I'm not look now I'm starting to get buzzed but like I'm not I'm not talking [ __ ] but I'm just saying like you'll see the guys that don't do podcast their acts are a little bit like uh inflated it's not really who they they are they're not all true you know but the guys at podcast is just people who would have had a hard time being phony in Hollywood but can be very genuine in those moments and I was saying to someone I was saying you know Twitter blew up uh there was a guy I forget his name I'm Rob Delaney right it was a guy that blew up on Twitter it was because Rob Delane is a great writer he's a really smart guy he's a really he's got a ship together and in 160 characters he can write the best joke you're going to see in a while Jenny high five Johnson um uh Kelly Oxford all these people were really smart really great at like conciseness of words and then podcasting showed up and guys like me and you were like I mean I to this day the hardest I've ever laughed on a podcast ever was when you when me you Steve renzy Rogan we all sitting at that table and in the Ice House Chronicles and you like dog you ever break into a house there a chick's house on a quu Neer [ __ ] and you know that doesn't work on Twitter but the way you did it then all of a sudden you go oh this is my new best friend this is the person I want to be around a lot when you said uh blue cheese with or over ranch or go [ __ ] your mother like th those things they don't fit on that doesn't make sense on Twitter where you can take things out of context but in a world where you like to be in context like I like being in context and that's where it's like when I I said SPI earlier if you take that out of context I sound like a really horrible person but but I'm not a bad person I'm telling you a story about my life about interacting with all Cuban kids growing up and the word [ __ ] being interchangeable for buddy or that guy or you know so well I'm sure you threw those spicks off the table they were your buddies you know dude Spix tght me how to [ __ ] tell tell a story [ __ ] you sit with a group you sit with a K table of Cuban kids and you and you're and I'm not saying like I'm the white kid like I was underprivileged it was it was a private school like you sit down with a table of Cuban kids all their dads have big personalities all them have big personalities there wasn't like I I don't remember one quiet Cuban kid growing up Ty Rodriguez I mean that [ __ ] made me laugh harder than anyone's ever made me laugh when we were in Mr MK and Dante's um religion class Ty Rodriguez sat behind me and uh Mr mkin Dante said when Jesus was at the top of the Cross he called Peter to his feet he said something to Peter do you know what he said to pet Peter Mr Cher what did he say to Peter like trying to stump me I don't know what he [ __ ] said to Peter and Ty Rodriguez leaned up behind me in my ear and he goes he said I can see your house from here and I [ __ ] died laughing but my personality was developed around guys like that like that's that's you know I'm going to tell you something and I'm going to be as honest as I can with you they listen there's a lot of mediums where people Excel and they Excel for different reasons and I believe in one thing I believe in hard work yeah I believe in dedication and I believe in commitment but I also believe in Father the time you know uh they've been pushing McGregor all week yeah all week if you watch uh 218 uh FX1 FX the channel number 618 whatever spy whatever they've been showing what the number for they have all these different UFC shows but it's all wrapped up around McGregor which I I I could understand like I tell you what movie they've been playing all week since that thing happened in Charlotte phille A Time to Kill with Sandra Bullock and some network has had it on 24 hours since that time yeah but they showed the first McGregor uh Diaz fight okay and I'll never forget I'm know [ __ ] genius I was backstage with Joe I heard Joe talking with [ __ ] Cameron Haynes and about bunch of people and I'm sitting there going man the hardest thing I've ever done in my life hardest thing I've ever ever done in my life is [ __ ] Jiu-Jitsu training yeah and I've done a lot of things I worked on roofs I was a [ __ ] uh what do you call those people carry bricks whatever the [ __ ] H carriers H carriers that shit's hard and okay I started when I was 50 and I thought about doing it for 15 years and being a black belt and I thought about what he had said at one of the things that he you he he didn't even like you Jitsu Nate the only reason why he would go is because he know the guys would buy him a burrito yeah at the end of the thing so I'm starting to think I'm going to wait a second 6 seven hours a day of rolling for 12 15 years you know what I'd be doing to people yeah do you have any [ __ ] idea once I grabbed your wrist it'd be night night they would tell you if Joey Diaz grabs your wrist just ta yeah cuz they pull you down and choke you the [ __ ] out and that's what I'm experience that's the only reason I bet the amount of money I did on Diaz in the first fight because I believe in experience when this podcasting game came in I was up the corner peeing in a bottle that Ford dealership yeah I went in there to peing a bottle for looking for a job really I was done I was done oh you were the [ __ ] done you were the first guy that was good at it I was done and no we talked about this the other night Monday night we spoke about me Felicia and I started a podcast and we did we were lost we were like Felicia you Felicia and you were lost when you started this but no but you on Rogan what was what was no no no no but listen when I started with Felicia we were lost we were two people talking every Tuesday we got a couple downward but like I told Le other day there were these things that covered our faces these circles filers so you can't spit so I couldn't really see her and she couldn't really see me and one night she said something one afternoon she said something and I told I go you know one night I was in the city and me and my buddies went have to get blow we were a b and right by 42nd Street in the mid 80s there was a pretzel thing if you went into you took the Lincoln Tunnel back to Jersey you could stop and get a pretel there but if you didn't make that left and you went straight and made it right that whole street was hookers and the pimp was a a dude a black dude that may believe he was [ __ ] in a wheelchair but he had like two machine guns and there was two other [ __ ] black dudes in wheelchairs you would drive down that block and there'd be [ __ ] 20 black chicks the cops were in on it and you'd get in the car and they'd suck your dick around the world or sex this is 8 too no condoms I remember I remember what around the world means yeah around the world I thought around the world was sex no around the world's around the world everything they eat your [ __ ] they suck your balls you [ __ ] them they blow you it's the whole thing for like $35 Le oh Jesus it's 1982 no condom no condom in the backseat of a car on your back eating that ass and she and the last time guy she [ __ ] she and remember there was no handy wipes then there was no CLW snaps they took they took like water from a hose and washed that [ __ ] and went back water from a hose like a [ __ ] fu crazy Le like a Workman trying to get it really doesn't matter b we're telling we're telling the story and I'll never forget talking about how I got in the car and I'm I'm committed you're absolutely right Bert you were absolutely right cuz you're a comic and you understand I'm looking at this mic and I'm telling this story like I'm there we all get in the car and the the the hook is saying where are we going and my buddy's going take her back to Jersey take her back to Jersey and she's going I can't go to Jersey and and we're like shut the [ __ ] up and the next thing you know she goes in the purse and she takes a a straight razor out and she goes to cut the driver and my friend punches her in the face I don't know what to do bird I just grab it by the head when I pull It's A Wig so we take the knife from her hand all a sudden punches start coming from everywhere my three buddies are just throwing leps and just pull hooker we take her to the Lincoln [ __ ] tunnel we take her into North Bergen into fairw New Jersey into a cemetery in the morning allegedly it's do in the [ __ ] it happened to 8 to you can't prove this [ __ ] just saying it though right we take her into this [ __ ] Cemetery we take her out of the car and we go [ __ ] give us the [ __ ] money oh my God we were going to rob her the point at right then and there I look over at Felicia and Felicia is like this bird crer what do you expect and I busted out and laughter and that's what I knew right there right there now I did that on a Tuesday yeah okay the podcast got released on a Thursday I had a show at who's on Melrose now fighting for his life doing comedy s's comedy Hall was on LaBrea s's comedy Hall had just left New York City he wanted to expand his operations he had one in New York City in the village that was very hot and now he was expanding his operations to LA and he had on Le I had booked a room percentage deal he calls me up and he goes hey where are you I go on 101 he goes hurry up got 100 people here really I go here we go another guy telling me to hurry up I get there there's 10 people he goes no you got 10 [ __ ] 18 people paid yeah $10 to see you and that was the beginning dude I remember when we did my very first podcast and Lee is going to help me get all those back up but you have to I should I need to tell everyone that just to to turn off download all that's all just download only the new ones not the old ones but uh when I did my first podcast with you you told a story about uh I I took it out my dad my dad called me he goes buddy we all had a couple cocktails Joey said some stuff he may not want out there and I go dad Joey is never say like anything Joey says he's cool with saying andbody goes Nobody you got to take these things out I just think they incriminate Joey so there's like three things I took I should re-release that original podcast in its entirety but my dad made me take it around he goes you don't want to be associated with this it's a it's really bad crimes oh my God and I was like Dad I go Dad Joey's in prison and he was like a he doesn't want that mentioned that could really hurt his resume I was like Dad Joe is who he is that's why we love him and he's like listen it's why we love him but I just don't you don't know who's going to listen to this you know what if what if uh what if NBC listens to this and they want hire for Joey for something you don't want to be the reason Joey didn't get the job I was like Dad you need to listen to more Joey and then cut to the next time you meet him you gave him marijuana and my dad's like release the entire thing release the Kraken there's things that Joey would say that he says to me on the phone that are worse than the Donald Sterling tapes like all all one then when that was happening I we would just laugh cuz if I ever recorded anything like but like they wouldn't even be bad for you you just said everything I think that if Lee tape recorded me and he could release this album I really think so because there's times I get off the phone with Lee and we're both [ __ ] howling I'm funny in Spanish I'm funny in English I'm funny when I tell a story but when I'm on a row it's when I'm on a phone call with somebody body and we start talking about [ __ ] we go we and I go well I started I started like for my when I was doing the long not a long time ago but like a couple years ago I was doing a vlog and if you called I would throw the camera on and your rant that first that five minute rant you give someone when you talk to him what's up tan like and I would always put them in there and go I know you're cool with it like I like you and seura if you guys call me and I and I'm on a I'm on a radio show or whatever I go it's they're so fun you guys are so funny in the moment regardless of whether or not you're being recorded or not I'm going to I'm going to announce this right now I'm quitting comedy at the end of 2018 I'm quitting podcasting and I'm going to open up a service I still have to figure out a price why I call you 5 days a week between 5:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. oh my God for this now you're going to get a three no no no no no I'm not even giving you 3 days you're going to get nothing you have to pay for everything in my world you guys have proved to you what I could do in the morning listen to me if you have problems if you have physical problems or emotional problems or drug problems or you're a little lazy I'm your last [ __ ] line of defense I like this Joey okay it's going to be a 90day program and I'm going to call you up 5 days a week and guess what if you don't answer I'm going to get paperwork sign that I send a cop to your [ __ ] house until you do answer no I like this no no I already went to an attorney if it doesn't if they don't answer they they get charged double these people who think that a motivational uh uh can uh calendar is going to help you because you guys don't understand what it is to be down you guys don't understand what it is to wake up in a rocket ship with a jacket on like under a rocket ship like at a park oh and thought David Bowie was taking over no no no you you wake up on a rocket SHP was Joey an astronaut and you uh have no money you have a Coke addiction you know you have to dress I would go to my buddy's dress break into his back window take a shower take a sweatshirt do laundry eat some breakfast and then my day would begin but what kept me going was the things I used to say to myself when I was laying there yeah which is the things I said to myself when I was hearing l in the beginning it's 900 in the morning you can sit in this apartment and do what every other comic does make believe he's writing and [ __ ] about how nothing's working for him that's a percentage oh yeah or you could get yourself up you fat sack of [ __ ] I mean what are you going to do with your what are you going to do with your felonius [ __ ] life what are you going to do what are you going to do you're going to impress me with your Fon is L listen you got parents you got people that love you and people that care for you and you don't want to get up cuz your [ __ ] hurts or [ __ ] little Shak starting this [ __ ] with a depression this [ __ ] ends now this is Uncle Joey telling you to get the [ __ ] up and and you got to do something when you get to the [ __ ] destination you have to go to or when you get to that gym I want you to call me from there and leave a [ __ ] message it better come up over my [ __ ] phone that it's coming from you I'm not even going to answer the phone I just want to make sure you get the way you're going you know I love you I'm sorry I had to talk to you this way have a phenomenal day you bad [ __ ] if I don't love you Jesus does and just hang up on you why can't you you should you Shouldice you should start a version of that right now that is the business no no I gotta think I got to get the attorneys I already wrote it out Le love that LE and I get high and talk about business plans I said you know what I'm going to n this down Le come to me with calendars somebody else came to me with t-shirts the the the thing is the call in the morning telling you that you're a [ __ ] sack of [ __ ] that the world owes you nothing you're not special you're mother and father lied to you just like they lied to me and one day we all come to the conclusion that nobody's going to give you dick you miserable [ __ ] get up go shampoo make some coffee I want you to wash your hair I want you to comb it I want you to put on a white [ __ ] shirt I want you to feel well is a black shirt that's ready we go in the [ __ ] wash it take the white shirt out iron it put cologne on it I'm not going to narrow on nationalities but people do it all the time and where I share the second and third day you know there would be a lot of people that no it's true cuz people need listen it's the same [ __ ] your dad tells you only a broken record only somay is there like a nice version for people who like there's no the world listen to me the world ain't nice Lee the world ain't nice there's a guy that's coming in to apply for the same job as you you have no high school education and you want to take off the weekend and go see the the state fair to go the ZZ Top well there's a Mexican who just came in and he said he'll do your job for 750 an hour and you're getting 10 guess what's going to happen when you get back from your ZZ Top concert you're going to get fired this is the [ __ ] I prevent you from doing absolutely there's no Conant there's no nothing I want your bank statements I want what you owe so the torture that you've given me over the years you're going to just start there's no reason to go on vacation look at your turn around Le go it's great I'm just say go look at your [ __ ] Visa bill and tell me if you got time to take your [ __ ] wife on vacation that just ask me one more time goad you who the [ __ ] are you to go on vacation four times in one year you barely made 42,000 last year who the [ __ ] are you Donald deenus my dad my dad you sound like my dad right now I remember on my birthday my 26th birthday I wasn't doing standup and I was uh I was I was just [ __ ] partying in New York and he called me in the morning and I said uh I answered the phone cuz I thought he was going to wish me happy birthday and I go back to bed so I was hung over and I was like hello and he's like you're a piece of [ __ ] and I was like uh dad he was like I perjured myself in court today the judge asked how you were doing I was under oath and I said you're doing great he goes I lied about you because you're such a piece of [ __ ] I was like uh you know it's my birthday right he goes you don't deserve a birthday and I was like I go I remember he he gave me a great speech that I I'm very grateful I got because it changed the direction of my life but at the same time at the very end of the speech I said he goes you go to that comedy club and you tell them you'll work for 25 you'll work for free I ended up getting 25 bucks a night he goes you'll work for free and do whatever they want you to do I said dad but I have a party tonight he goes you don't deserve a party he goes you go to that club if you let this be your party let work be your party let earning something be your party it's a true and it was it's it's such an [ __ ] truth yeah I was a a hipster way before hipsters and Millennials I believed I in privilege I was like I deserve things I didn't deserve [ __ ] there was a guy that was willing to do it before me and then that guy would get it and I just and that that that night that conversation on my 26th birthday changed my life there's a dude Matt Woods I think about every week not the biggest guy in the world not the toughest guy in the world just a guy from Long Island who wrote for Roseanne and he was a very decent guy I tell the story [ __ ] I think about him all the time I look him up on Facebook because without him Papa wouldn't be here after like two years in comedy one that he came up to me after an open mic bur Crasher not to this Joe Diaz he went up to crazy Joe Diaz in '94 when I was going through a divorce yeah I had no money that she wouldn't let me see the kid the anger was spewing out of me and he fought me on the way out after I had just killed open my three minutes on the Tuesday for me in those days I go up there with no material yeah by the way you could still go up there with no material I got on stage before I was leaving he pulled me aside he goes I talk to you for a second cuz he had a writing class that was free on Tuesday before the open mic so if you went to his house he'd feed you a bunch of comics girls guys and he would sit with you ask you what you were working on and he would do this The Comedy Works paid him yeah it was called The Comedy Works development plan and Wendy till this day I give a props because a lot of good Comics came from that camp are you cool with Wendy now cool and [ __ ] I'm going there for the first time Sunday night she's tremendous Sunday I'm doing Sunday Monday and Tuesday she's that's who invented that was Wendy Curtis really when I first started comedy her lineup for the week would be at that time Jackie Flynn was on [ __ ] fire Jackie Flynn from Boston Boston was the hottest comic in the country really he had just won the San Francisco comedy competition I I'll never forget the other comic that was very hot at that time 1994 was Felicia Michaels I will say this I have to say this in all like just to put it out there I still think Felicia Michaels is gorgeous oh she's still looking good but no she's gorgeous and she's hilarious but I'm just saying like I have to say that cuz like every time we all hung out cuz me and you me and Felicia did a podcast like I think three times every time I was like dude she's still a diamond my she still looks [ __ ] good yeah yeah yeah yeah and she's a Savage yeah she just hides it but it was like in those days she would have Wendy would book Bobby Collins who was on fire he had the search commercial know Bobby Collins I always worked with uh Louis CK and Fort Lauderdale and when Georgia was born in 2004 and Bobby Collins rolled in and I man I've never seen I Lou was a big guy to me but man he paid Bobby Collins massive respect like was so grateful that he came in yeah know Bobby's a good dude man and Bobby Collins are coming Monday Tuesday then Felicia Michaels would coming Wednesday and Thursday Friday and Saturday she'd have Jackie Flynn I never forget who the hottest comic was in the country when I got into comedy you ready yeah who's the guy Greg Garcia had on that show from Boston what's the show before my name is early had was it Raising Arizona was it no I don't know uh Anthony Clark Anthony Clark when I got into comedy Anthony Clark was the [ __ ] comic to watch dude he he was tremendous at that time what happened to him he moved out to LA and he became a television St no but like he what happened to him like I haven't seen him in a while he was a fun guy to party with he pissed off some people like we usually do when we have $3 now we think we know everything about the world some people turn against you the networks you know I heard a story about him by the way this is uh allegedly right is that how we protect ourselves yeah abely but this isn't bad but uh legal when he got on Boston Commons I think was the first show he did was like a big show yes he did Boston Commons he was in Boston at the time or or or Seattle or LA but is his brother connected with a bunch of guys who were starting a company and they're like you should really invest in our company you have a little extra cash throw some in so he did and that company was Microsoft and I heard he is paid in full for the rest of his life you never look at they say dice was one of the original investors of Starbucks really think of when dice got hot right when Starbucks is starting that's the rumor who knows I never met dice I I met I met dice I've actually worked with dice but I don't know dice but I find him fascinating very fascinating and when you hear his story of how he started how his he wasn't even 18 and he started as a Travolta impersonator yeah and he would go to these Mafia parties and they would pay him 200 to do travol and you know it goes on and on I mean you sit there and go Jesus [ __ ] Christ and that was my point the podcasting it's not like we're good at podcasting it's that I paid my dues as a comic well yeah and then I became a Storyteller later on and I figured my Niche out my Niche wasn't going up there and telling you that her [ __ ] stunk like a fish or my dick or I ass that was nothing to do with it my comedy was about what was in front of me which was what was my life well I mean personally I think comedians can be are the best podcasters but there's a lot of comedians we've had them as guests and they have their own podcasts that are they can be the worst podcasters too like can I can I jump in and say that like so like someone I thought and by the way I hope this doesn't sound like I'm talking [ __ ] I hope this everyone sees that this is coming with love but like like I someone I thought that would be bad at podcasting would be Paulie because because Paulie was a movie movie star like in the 80s so like and they're such a like a an ingrained IND doctrin like um don't share too much you know type of thing and then I saw him on Rogan and I got really excited I've always been a fan of Paulie's you know from when I was I mean he was a movie star when I was in high school so like I watched every one of his [ __ ] movies and I know there's a part of Paulie that's deeper than what maybe the public thinks so I saw him on Rogan and uh it was maybe one of my favorite Rogan appearances I've ever seen and they start by talking about your appearance with him here we we don't talk about Paul show did you guys post the video yet no are you serious cuz I would love to see that [ __ ] I would love to see that it was such a great Rogan appearance that I was like that's what I love about podcasting is him being vulnerable I think it's better that the Rogan appearance is the one that's out there really yeah did you air the audio what's the movie that somebody says that we don't talk about him here Voldemort with Harry Potter he who must not be named no we don't talk about him you watch Harry Potter you call [ __ ] I'm call Paulie sh direct the bottom of this [ __ ] you know I wonder if he knows who I am doesn't matter he don't need to know nobody no name oh my god let's leave him a message and [ __ ] hey put on a speaker Joey Paulie sha Joe Diaz all of a sudden you got on the Rogan podcast you forget about me [ __ ] [ __ ] all of a sudden you're a star you got in Cen Old Man 3 you know you don't want to talk to me no more call me back I miss you I love you we're just on the podcast live and we were talking about you your parents on Rogue and how great you were and [ __ ] you showed up here with flipflops on looking all [ __ ] up but I love you I'm thinking about you call me back stay black oh my God okay wait do you have that audio can we can it can it be something given to friends that we can personally listen to on airplanes no no no it's it's in the deep deep deep can we can we can we can we can we give like the the angel share of podcasters tell you what the truth about podcasting is there's 50 Comics out there yeah and we've had comics on here who we thought were going to come on here and blow the roof off and they've been Duds and then we've brought regular people on here who've done Sensational there's a line in your life and if you're not willing to go through that line you're dead in podcasting that's the one guys then there's the guys that come on and look down on you and they look at you and they go I've been on radio for 22 years well let me explain something to you Mr [ __ ] dinosaur man all right Mr kpasa surus whatever the [ __ ] they are with the little hands what's the guy with the little hands tnos T-Rex whateverosaur what the [ __ ] they that's the dinosaur that stole from other dinosaurs let me tell you something I feel like that was your name when you were that's why radio's dead because you're still using the phony voice and you're still that's that's all what people looking for they're looking for a real and honest conversation it's e that's exactly what this is it's two people three people talking [ __ ] smoking dope having a few cocktails and anything goes I you know when I listen to a podcast and it's edited that's the last time I listen to the [ __ ] podcast I want to hear everything if the guy slipped if the guy slipped and said [ __ ] or SP or [ __ ] lesbian or homophobic or something so let it be maybe he was in the [ __ ] moment did you ever think of that that people are in the moment and then when people are talking and they're talking about people and they get excited they say things they normally wouldn't say but it's not in a [ __ ] abrasive way yeah it's not meant for haters that's what I want to hear I want to hear that [ __ ] I want to hear when Lee farts I want to hear when Bert burps this is what a podcast is and unless you're doing that it's not going to work and not in my world and there's people who disagree with me and that's fine there's people that wanted their podcast uh groomed like Hey we're back and I'm like that's not what I like I want to listen to a podcast that any minutes the cops could kick down the door listen any minutes any day now want to be doing a podcast and we're going to get squatted yeah so can can I tell you can I tell you because it's true can I tell you my favorite part of Rogan's podcast this is old school Rogan you'll remember this do you remember when that landline he had in his room would ring he and I used to love that cuz I go oh yeah the phone's ringing and he go [ __ ] I forgot to turn it off he'd be like ah [ __ ] those those things in podcasting for me I'm excited for like a podcast history class can you do me a favorite those my favor I could teach It Go Go to YouTube for a second okay or I want you to click in Lenny Bruce album I got to piss I want to piss real quick yeah go ahead go ahead Mighty finds this goe go piss go abon ship where's where's the bathroom I'm going go piss to the right can't piss if you don't make a move yeah right left it don't matter does Jesus Christ no no no pull it let me give some shout outs to my girl Crystal Oaks my main man in Jersey looking out for me always Mikey Klein with the one by one podcast my main man Paul gotier Randy funderberg Mike Dunn tennon Smith Casey crave and my brother from a different mother always Jeffrey Collins who's a [ __ ] soldier of De and I want to congratulate my main man [ __ ] talking L he finally got a job he's putting things together congrats he's going to be coming to visit us in California soon he's coming on a mission from debt he doesn't even know it yet I told him last week that he's on call he might have to [ __ ] get in that [ __ ] Hyundai and put the ubide on and bring a [ __ ] victim with him you know what I'm saying and beside that it's beautiful night we got [ __ ] uh my main man look for what was I saying for you to look for you tell me which one yeah just letny Bruce outb okay letny Bruce outb okay let's just start with that let me see what you can come up with on YouTube yes please if you don't mind what's that you know listen when I got into comedy I'm a lot older than you guys or maybe a lot younger there's a lot of people in my age that listen to this stuff when I got into comedy I learned to listen to Comedy from listening to albums okay no not stand up album no that was the first thing that popped up so I didn't know yeah yeah you know I learned from listening to albums like uh right there right the click the first one just click on today all right let's see I wasn't even born yet never seen this bit before I want you to tell me stop me if you've seen it I'm going to piss on you now so is so much acceptance see see that I can't take the bit out every time I say I just started as a gag once you know and they just say hooray hooray let me just do a few talk bits but now piss on this first then you'll do the rest of it there do you hear the crackling in your earphones tell you this because some a gay spark in yeah that's the album guys and it's just listen to I want you to put on Richard Prize or something show of it right there the fourth one down and Now ladies and gentlemen the world famous Latin Casino proudly presents the star of our show Mr Richard frier H hit PA hit pause for one second so the thing I'm obsessed with right now Joey is the first words that come out of a comic's mouth let's listen let's listen right here I'm obsessed with it well let's listen what the [ __ ] you got to tell me let's say it what that [Applause] me we are gathered here today on this Sofer occasion to say goodbye to the Daily departed he was daar and he has departed thus that's why we call him the daily departed in other word the [ __ ] dead dude hit pause for one second I'm sorry Lee but like that the thing I look about with specialist now is I go as you can see him laying I go what are the first words coming out of your mouth cuz I you know CU I'm working on my special I don't want to like build it up too much but I go you you don't want too much of the like uh you know what's up Philadelphia is everyone good here is everyone having a good time you want like and I did that on my last special a lot I was like I I I Rift on something you go to a restaurant how do you like to get treated go to scroll that down till the end I want to see if they got the wio me no no no no on the video scroll it down because maybe that like they said number one you eulogy when you go keep going it'll give the titles when a woman leaves you no when you wait go back go the next one good night kiss keep going women are beautiful are text for today no click up there could be before that whyo meets Dracula click up there you know how you want to be treated brother yeah just click up there why no meets Dracula Richard Pry erased Lenny Bruce there you go you're [ __ ] GNA how do you like to be treated when you go to a restaurant with your wife I like to be served no personally yeah the first one this is the first this is what got me into com right here right here wio never get afraid of nothing but running out of wine that's the only thing that Panic a wio wio could deal with dra right anybody hey man say [ __ ] you with the cake what you doing picking in them people's window what's your name boy draga what kind of name is that for a [ __ ] you know this is 1970 guys this before rap where you from fool oh yeah Transylvania I know what it is [ __ ] you ain't the smartest [ __ ] in the world you know even though you is the ugliest oh yeah you ugly [ __ ] why' you get your teeth fixed [ __ ] that [ __ ] hanging all out your mouth don't you go get you off ofis off ofas din you know H it's 1975 boy get your [ __ ] together what's wrong with you your natural got that dirt all on the back of your neck you a filthy little [ __ ] too he was [ __ ] kill him guys he's [ __ ] killing you got to be home before the sun come up you ain't lying [ __ ] see your ass in the day you allow to get arrested hey click on to that one up there you want suck what you want to suck what suck some black [ __ ] is you you some kind of freak boy a ugly freak you ain't sucking nothing here junior suck your ass on away from here what you better do holy [ __ ] I love CVS this is it I know you guys need to do specials now I love this [ __ ] but I love CDs I love this [ __ ] this CDs too I love this [ __ ] sound guys click on to the excist see what that is I think you know yall see The Exorcist it's a story about the devil gets into this 12y old girl Devil's a low [ __ ] Jack see there wouldn't have been no movie have been [ __ ] in it the movie would have been about 7 minutes long soon as the devil spoke hello goodbye hello see a [ __ ] would have handled that movie different [ __ ] would have walked in the house what in the [ __ ] is that funky smell and all that racket upstairs is the girl crazy smell like [ __ ] in here some devilish [ __ ] at that you walk in the room [ __ ] what's wrong with you get up out of bed wash your ass girl you can tell it's going to be good cuz one lady who laughing your [ __ ] the cross out your [ __ ] this is like cutting eggs back get downstairs and help your mother straighten up the front room we have them coming in we didn't have black people talking like this yet oh my like on media I left that [ __ ] house that afternoon I had to walk like a mile home and I couldn't stop thinking about this I didn't know it was going to be a standup comic but this made me buy other albums and you know it opened up the [ __ ] door but this sound this is why I started podcasting I missed this I missed that pure laughter no HBO presents Showtime but just a guy in a bar that's why I love whenever I go somewhere and I see a Richard Pryor album I buy it because it's as pure is when Lee and I did it's either you or the priest it wasn't PL we didn't talk about it we didn't have a cover taken you told me you didn't know what you were going to say Le go let's go down the brand got this thing let's try it out it cost me $35 to rent remember the things that you guys all bought to do live podcast yeah that was it yeah the zoom we still use today I R I did a spot and it became a number one CD on [ __ ] iTune and billboard no no stories no drama no big programming it cost $40 if you listen to it today you go Joey you know what man it sounded I wanted it to sound like that I want you to think I want you to listen this is why I fell in love with the concept of the podcast because I want there somebody hit me up on Twitter today or yesterday did you not see that I'm listening to the podcast right now where two ladies are knocking on your door saying that you smoking pot that was one of the best podcast in my life phip if you listen to it it's [ __ ] God off what happened me and Felipe and and and uh the Christ killer were this other location we had on Burbank Boulevard dump I remember that place I think no no no it was we barely had anybody there we had three months there the table was too big for the room and it was a small table oh it's not it's not the place by In-N-Out no no this was one that we had that's a palace compared to this place we had this place for had no AC no AC we were there for 3 months there was an earthquake there was a woman who was pretending to be a what is it called when you stamp things not not next door she kept complaining about the reef uh they would bang on no we weren't even smoking and we weren't even smoking it was a [ __ ] nightmare but one of the best things ever was when she knocked on the door because it felt like I was on stage and the waitresses drink tray fell over and the glasses C oh really you're in the moment guys oh I love that yeah you see I love that you understand what I'm trying to say to you so this is why this is the style of this podcast we do this is the only way I can do a podcast because I don't want to I'm not ESPN hey how are you I love that shirt yeah well my opinion on it listen [ __ ] you in your [ __ ] opinion if I wanted your opinion I'd turn on channel 18 and be at home watching you all right yeah you know I just hate I hate all that [ __ ] I always so for me this was perfect this is what I like I admire this I want you to listen and think the cops are going to kick the doors in and arrest you for listening to this that's what a podcast mean to me do you ever think about recording that the the Periscope part as part of the podcast cuz watching you get high and rant is one of my favorite things yeah n listen they're on YouTube Everything what's that they're on YouTube everything is on uh we do everything sporadically man who the [ __ ] knows when you want a periscope yeah I can't do it I can't you know you you you can't stay on social media all day and lot that don't take you [ __ ] seriously it kills me you got to give them a [ __ ] breather they're getting bombarded with so much [ __ ] you can only give them so much [ __ ] and then they go listen we've taken enough [ __ ] with Uncle Joey yeah you know I try to get off two three day you know something a day here a day there you got to give people a [ __ ] breather it's amazing that what I use it for and what other people use it for it really amazes it's amazes me too I I I use it specifically to shoot those promo videos I that's all I do I love the videos with the kids and it's [ __ ] phenomenal I'm in Cleveland IA [ __ ] you get her involved that shit's all [ __ ] great you know why why cuz it's better than a fat [ __ ] coming on smoking pot that's 50 years old tell me to go see him an Ontario camer I don't know about that at least it's great like that that's the stuff that pisses me off and now it makes everybody a director that's what's happened to our business what happened to our business is it made everybody a director you got that right so they would do two little [ __ ] films show up to paramont and they get together and go wait a second this [ __ ] humad I got to give him 34 of a mill to shoot a movie I got this [ __ ] idiot from down the corner in Hollywood Boulevard he got a degree from the Hollywood film inent to the whatever got a big YouTube channel yeah let's give him a and this is what happens and the the last couple lights we've killed two hours in here High watching movie clips and it was real weird that I showed Lee movie clips where you see what the director is there's thought involved while you're watching the movie there's tons of thought involved like I showed him the scene last night from a movie called Gotti with Arma Asante watch like half the movie and the greatest Mexican of all time uh what's what's the Mexican name again oh eloro no no he's Puerto Rican the old school one old school one the guy that was in across 110th Street he's in the movie Revenge which is [ __ ] phenomenal who's the good-looking guy from The Bodyguard oh Kevin C Anthony Quinn that's who I'm talking about [ __ ] not what are you giggling about B CH I like that I picked the white guy I'm dropping knowledge and you [ __ ] hit me with I Kevin C Anthony Quinn is my name on that pillow what pillow it is what that pillow is Mya it says Bert oh do you see it listen there's a frog with that [ __ ] name you got no right to [ __ ] question a [ __ ] pillow there's a frog with your name did you know that no there's not a frog with B isn't isn't frog The Bert no I think you're thinking of Burton Ernie right yeah yeah no he's not a frog what is he it's a muppet but doesn't make a difference so you got a name that share with a muppet you're worried about your name on a pillow you got some pair of [ __ ] balls kid you know hold on I got go pee I just saw I just saw my name on the pillow I've been looking at it I was like I thought it was Serendipity I am getting [ __ ] up you brought your own I was going to I was I got some Tios and you did do you have any snacks no there's no never we can't have snacks here we can't have snacks here he's got a bag of pretzels no we can't INE of earthquake we can't eat stuff here we'd go crazy we'd be G we go nuts oh all I do is eat snacks right now I'm thinking about eating a death store I'm that hungry when I got up to my highest like I would go to the grocery store my entire car would just be diet soda and snacks so are these death stars uh yum yummy yeah if you eat one or two they're pretty good but when you start eating five you they start back it's just hard to eat five to 10 Gummies at once really yeah you guys go through a bag a night probably for the bigger ones we don't what was it like when you first started eating these like were you a big weed guy before you met Joey no not at all zero so so you you how did you find Joey Facebook well I found him for through Rogan but then I I contacted him on Facebook and then he was like yeah let's do something let's see if we connect uh kind of I he asked what my ideas were and then we just hung out at the haha for like a month at night and that was crazy I was like someone someone someone asked me today on Twitter right before the podcast if I've ever been Star Struck on the podcast and I was thinking about it and I was Star Struck meeting Joey like I was petrified really yeah well yeah I I I don't know I've never I've never been I've always I get star struck by people who are on the news before I move to LA and and like it was weird and then since I've been with Joey it's kind of there's nothing that can really phas you but wait had you ever heard of me before you met me yeah for real yeah of course you were on Rogan before you were on here probably some you you want some fze yeah give me some fze what happened in there yeah we did go pretty hard in here so yeah so yeah I met him then and we then we uh did mad flavors world what's m flavors world we did he did he had a a camera from Gabriel glaus and he did little blogs and stuff and he gave them to me once a week and I didit them together really yeah we we did like 15 of them something like that and then he called me one out at work at like midnight said would you like to shoot a documentary in New York was that how you guys started with the is with the the the doc was the one of the first thing yeah no knew what we were doing here dog I thought he was like a film major and I didn't know I thought he was a know- it- all mhm he shows up I never seen a movie before I was going to [ __ ] stab him in the lung we made it happen I was an editing major and you kept calling me the director from Israel I've never directed anything the director from Israel that doesn't sound like Joey he would tell me like that with the first thing like when I was like brand new knew he'd told me to lie to people like tell them you're from Israel and I can't speak Hebrew or like even pretend to speak Hebrew but you never got a bar mitzvah Yeah well yeah but do that rant that little bar if they're if they know how to speak Hebrew they're going to know you're just doing the Dora the Dora yeah I guess you could you know I shot how many [ __ ] movies did I shoot and I'd sit there and I'd watch these [ __ ] morons make a big deal about [ __ ] yeah and I would sit there and this is how I would block this right like when I go on those things like all let me practice in my head how I would block this how I would make this guy move across and you know what the last result I'd be like two steps off or something yeah you know it don't take a [ __ ] genius it don't take no [ __ ] genius I've been on [ __ ] CBS shows that the director's a comedy Legend you meet the guy and he's a [ __ ] sleeping pill and then you try to improvise and they [ __ ] tell you you can't dude see that's what we're talking about in the drive here about acting jobs and how at one point you get here and that's what you strive for is these little acting jobs and you get on there you do a couple of them and then you like I ain't doing this no more or if I do them this is how I'm going to do them yeah like I would enjoy like I would enjoy acting I think more if I knew everything there was to know like I want to know if I can take like other takes and uh and like if I can improv like I remember Mike EPS was saying that he just would go in and do it the way he did it [ __ ] him and I was like I wish I had known that cuz I was trying to do it the way they wanted me to do it here you go you go to the audition or you don't go to the audition they give you the [ __ ] role the first [ __ ] day you supposed to be there your calls at 2:00 in the afternoon yeah you look at the call sheet and see what time they're actually going to be there if it's at seven they're paying you number one number two you're a professional yeah you go down there 3 4 hours early and while they're blocking catch the director and this is exactly what's going to happen hey how you doing Tony Burke CH hey I loved your audition tape obviously I'm [ __ ] here [ __ ] you know what I'm saying like they hat that [ __ ] and then they're like uh yeah is there anything special you want me to play in do you say that to him or you keep that to yourself whatever you make a [ __ ] joke whatever you know they they they loved how what you did okay let me ask them number two what do you want from me and they'll go well I want you to do the scene you did exactly the way like I was blown away sometimes how people would go like I got that scene right off the cuff and then they would go we'll work on this you know I would only ask him today what do you want from me [ __ ] today what do you expect from the from the [ __ ] character yeah you know I tried to give him that that [ __ ] lingo so that dick guit hard like I know what I'm doing you know what I'm saying if you tell them what you want from the character they get the [ __ ] apple and they eat and they think like they know what the [ __ ] they're doing and then number four ask him number three ask him if he wants any special requests now you're in his world and now you got to ask him can I ask you a question and I'm not trying to be rude I'm here for you I did not I have no comedy scheduled my wife's got the kids how many takes do we do for each and the GU really tell you go well I just you know Adam Sandler he does one from the script one for him and one for you Clintwood does too yeah there's some [ __ ] people who are just [ __ ] bro there's some guys you work with that medium range level it's their first big film with fox or something and they're just [ __ ] there's nothing you could do 22 scenes you know there was a couple years ago I shot a commercial for a big daddy I [ __ ] snapped on that Set Go Daddy go Daddy I [ __ ] snapped on that [ __ ] set the director was just a dick yeah just a dick you got all the shots you got all the shots how many [ __ ] shots you want was that the one we getting like flower thrown in your face yeah and they thought it was cute and I know when somebody's trying to be cute I ain't that much of a [ __ ] [ __ ] I know when some directors trying to be cute the best was the [ __ ] uh what's the people that one you like what's the fast food one you like all them oh yeah call Junior I did one the director my least favorite the director called me director called me an idiot what because the [ __ ] car had no brakes when they connected the interior lights and cameras for the car they disconnected the brakes bre so the first time the car rolled they said they fix it the second time the car rolled and he said something else I told him [ __ ] you [ __ ] this I went off and the other it was two of us playing like Italian mob hits the other guy is still my friend really till this day because how I went off in that direct and at the end of director had apologize to me like [ __ ] fire me why do I give a [ __ ] yeah who the [ __ ] are you the [ __ ] do you think you are you know you can't but everybody was scared of him he had an assistant that would come up to you and talk to you instead of him I think there's it's less about Talent more about yeah KN knowing the right uniform to wear on set yeah yeah oh no listen if there's some movies you go on the set you know who the director is right away yeah the the Hat with the feather uh 22 tattoos all the way to the [ __ ] wrist the the mom the the wife beat the T-shirt what's the pants they wear Le shorts so they can show the tattoo on their Cal little capri pants yeah it's the same look you could see or if you have a woman director you really have a problem you have the dyed hair you know oh no it's not with all women directors listen we're talking about the Cy directors across the board no no no no no no no I worked with a woman on sen entertainers pilot that was brilliant she taught me a lot I worked on you know was a good director dog who you know who directed me on the soprano sketches for Mad TV who the wife from Married with Children not what Bundy no the other one oh the lesbian yes she directed me on Mad TV sweeter than pie but there was something I did that I worked with a woman that I got there and the whole set was cliche oh in fact there was somebody who I was working with recently that contacted me I went on their resume I looked at their web page and I go oh my God I know who I'm dealing with and I just knew it yeah and she hit me with an offer and I and I knew I knew the kind of offer she was going to go at me with and then I told her no I couldn't do it but you know the look there's a look a certain look that a woman gets when she wants you to know she's a director or a producer or and it's so [ __ ] cliche guys it sucks I've worked with like women that are just natural that are [ __ ] tremendous the ones that want to be artsy fartsy I worked with two gay directors one time that were [ __ ] solid as [ __ ] too we made a movie called The mesos what was that about the mesos let me tell you something how how how weird Hollywood works first season of problems it's a [ __ ] hit yeah it's a [ __ ] hit every Network orderers a mafia show one way or the other they're getting thousands of mob shows thousands of mob related shows I know these two gay dudes in Hollywood and they write a script about you know that gay theater on Santa Monica Boulevard where they play gay porn sometimes oh yeah yeah yeah what what are you guys talking about that's the head it's where uh it's where what's his name from uh got busted uh yeah it's a it's a super popular super popular that's the the pink something the pink lace or something like that that's the headquarters and they did something else everything was very uh gayish in a way and there was and it was these two brothers who were gay but they gangsters and nobody knows they're they're gangsters they're tremendous Hitman yeah so it's like pay only know later type deal so nobody knows these two guys are gay they're not the Flaming type gay guys they're just the ones that that are big they go to clubs and intimidate you and Sh and uh he wrote this up and took it to ABC and ABC on the [ __ ] script really right okay they they Jack around a little bit and he gets wind that The Sopranos were not happy with big [ __ ] in real life that they already knew that big [ __ ] had asked for a bunch of money the second season really and that he was getting killed off like once he's you know the rumor is on Sons of anak when he has the money you get killed off on some of those shows oh the cricket you asked for that race is the quicker they kill you all so these two gay guys who are sweetheart I still talk to the one guy Joe contact went to New York and met with Vincent pastor and they got Vincent Pastor money to shoot a pilot about two gay guys that are G in the mafia in LA and they own a theater yeah and that's their headquarters and they loan out money they did something else that was pretty funny the guy did do a good job without just being like we weren't flaming [ __ ] you know nothing like that he did something I can't remember what the [ __ ] it was and I had to go to Fox and audition and no you ready for this one yeah they shoot a pilot ABC says kabo we don't want the thing or they didn't shoot the pilot so everybody was staying there with the dick in the hand they took it to everybody else everybody else passed on it these two guys didn't want to [ __ ] just lose the project so they sold it to F Fox search light whatever the [ __ ] that is and big [ __ ] didn't want to do it for that price really so we all audition from scratch every from Frank Stallone to Nick tuturo really to any guy you saw in Good Fellas Johnny Roast Beef wow and I got it like the two guys who got like if you would have told me that me and this other guy were going to get it I went all against it me and I mean never was star was in that room yeah the guy that got shot in the eyeball from The Godfather was in that room I mean oh yeah yeah no no no there was a thousand Italian stars in that room when I got the call back I was in [ __ ] shock yeah and this is the funny see you don't know what see people have no idea what the route is here I had at that time one of the smartest guys I ever had working with in the entertainment business at that time he was a genius in fact he just text me about a week ago and he said that he listened to a podcast where myself and Jimmy schuber were on discussing him he was he goes it brought tears to his eyes how proud he was of us he was mine Jimmy Schubert's manager he had six killers that nobody knew about and he would live and die for you like if I I bumped into Billy Gardell at Arts maybe 3 months ago really and Billy asked me he goes you ever talked to Jeff again Jeff was the one that got Billy going so wait how did you know how did you know how did you meet how did you meet Billy oh I known Billy since 1998 for real yeah we used to go to I still remember when Billy got down and Billy Gardell for those you don't know is Mike from Mike and mly I know Billy from I still remember in 98 being a coaching horses with him at 4 in the afternoon him and a girl that's a comedian girl that's still in town broke up and uh we were in there me him and stanle maybe a few other people really yeah so wait so wait so wait uh take me back to then like what was it like back then like you hold on let me just tell you the story about oh yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I really give props to this guy the problem with this guy was that I wasn't strong enough for him he was getting me into [ __ ] rooms that my knees would crickle like into a tions like you're going down there you reading with revolta today like that type of [ __ ] 1998 I just got here I'm a criminal I'm doing blow six nights a week and I'm going to these auditions that I could not handle but bro this guy always had a plan yeah he's like this is what's going on so I go should I do this project it was like 250 a day flat it was 500 for the weekend if they went over a certain amount of hours they would give me an extra hundred bucks but dude said they would take care of me I asked them I go bro should I do this he goes Joey the apran is the hottest show on TV right now and they're working on a thousand projects you need this tape he goes I know these guys they're shooting on something shoot it I shot it came out great got into a bunch of f gay film festivals I got a couple meetings from it but he gave me a call and then he goes you're going to go e read for that movie about Chuck Baris remember that movie they made the host of The Dong show yeah he was in the CIA and [ __ ] like that she made me go he made me go in for this Ro that I didn't want to [ __ ] read for I I'm not going in them for this they're looking for two Mexicans he goes listen you're going to take this role he goes you're not going to get this he goes I think they already have an offer on I own he because that doesn't matter I want you to go in there and Rock her world wow don't give her an accent Rock her world listen to me bro I went in there and rocked her world she called me back I went to producers I didn't get the rooll but on the way out the second time I went to she made me go to producers once and twice which meant she like me on the way out she goes it was great to see you thank you to come she goes regardless of what happens here today she goes I want you to keep in touch with me she goes anytime you do a new project I want you to hit me up this lady was like [ __ ] huge yeah this lady but she wasn't here she wasn't even based out of La I forget what her name is she was based out of New York if you go to my IMDb you'll see what her name was within four weeks I get the tape from the mesos Jeff gin was the manager he called me he goes where's that mesos tape I go well they said they won't give it to me he goes let me call you back next thing he goes he call me back he goes listen and they want you to go by the house and pick up two scenes I went by the house I picked up two scenes I sent I gave them to Jeff Jeff sent them to some guy some guy [ __ ] this is 2003 Jeff sends me this and he goes Joey I'm sending this to the lady you read for yeah what did she do what Analyze That what did she who put me in there who was the casting director in that click on to analyze that and I'll tell you okay give me one second and if fact her assistant is now a big casting director here really she put me in something about two years ago and she was casting Whitney oh really yeah no no no that being of how life to works that's crazy I never thought that you'd read for something and you wouldn't be right for it and they go he's not right for this but he's right for other things I always thought I was like it's a [ __ ] coverup story yeah but you know when somebody is telling you the truth you'll get the handle for it not your agent you when you're walking out of the room there's times that the producers already have somebody yeah but she's trying to save him $200,000 do you understand me you go in there and do a good job but ain't enough to save him $200,000 Ellen chenowth Ellen chenowth click on to Ellen Chen you know who that is see who Ellen Chen with Cass Chen's daughter is uh the girl that was in Wicked look at Ellen Chen with what she's casted read them out loudly okay do you want to show from the top of the bottom whatever you want just read ton of them all right she's a Savage Alan Chen with and mostly Theo movies oh yeah a lot of Oh Brother Where Da analyze that uh Mona Lisa Smile uh Analyze This the horse whisper Wag the Dog Lolita Affliction no no no she's heavy duty bro I kept in touch your daughter who's her daughter tail who's her do a bronx tail is great who's her daughter um I'm still going down Terms of Endearment come terms endearment can't be with her daughter yeah Britney Chen no no no no I don't worry about who the [ __ ] mother no no no no no no this is uh go to is it got no 84 credits that's crazy keep going up keep going up and then Kristen full B Kristen chenowith find out click Kristen chenowith she's the one that started uh Wicked I think Wicked was the big biggest play on Broadway Christ chenowth is in Wicked am I right I don't know click it I I didn't click it I just knew it click it there's nowhere to click oh maybe I'm wrong let me see but that those meso stupid tapes that I did for $500 he sent them to Ellen chenor I can't analyzed that really that's how he KN always knew what was and I would bang and now listen man I remember being in [ __ ] New York doing St doing comedy and [ __ ] Rascals and him calling me going you have any tapes in you and I'm like yeah he goes bring a tape over to what's his name they're casting a show called The Soprano and I'm like what the [ __ ] are you talking about I don't know how to sing instead of dropping the tape off the soprano Sopranos I dropped a tape off at like Roger Paul and two other bum [ __ ] comedy B I can't sing can you believe that That's How Strong Jeff Gatlin was bro yeah Jeff Gatlin got me out for oh my God oh my God I remember one time Jeff Gatlin had these guys put together a game show around me where I was the host and you had to burglarize somebody's house and [ __ ] it was just crazy and they got sold at the NBC because they getting ready for the strike this was crazy and Joe came with me this is 97 98 2000 2001 we were doing something one night I go Joe I got a [ __ ] call back you got to drive me and he was pissed we went he walked in there with me he showed me how to do that's how cool that [ __ ] is he was already hosting Fear Factor and he's like let me show you how to do this and I did it and then they went with a [ __ ] black dude and then they shot the pilot and and nope nothing happen called him racist had a black guy breaking in the houses something black dude a [ __ ] mixed dude yeah some [ __ ] like this so what else has been going on in your life nothing man just the road I I I think I work too much but my P my podcast has been doing really well that's you really ship podcast how many times a week once a week on Wednesday just one one podcast a week I did it I did there was a period where I was doing two a week and I just no notic him I I was losing my ratings were cutting in half like it wasn't like if I release it on Wednesday I release it every night at Tuesday at like 6:00 p.m. so that it's out there Wednesday morning for everybody cuz that's where libson kind of like Cuts d a cut off but uh and I also kind of fine-tuned it you know it's so funny my biggest podcasters were always when we You' come over and we party me Ralphie me Tommy me Tommy and my dad me and Tommy and Burr me and Ari and and reny like those are my biggest podcasts so I kind of just looked at the numbers and I was like well [ __ ] if those are the biggest ones I'll just keep doing that so I I was like all right so now if I do my podcast I do it Monday nights at 8:30 is when I I I I tape it and we just and we just have a few cocktails one of my f finest moments in podcasting believe it or not had nothing to do with me I get a call one night that we're going to go over to uh to Berke chry's house Berke calls me to his house he invites me over he's very gracious and he goes come over at a certain time I'd like for you to do a podcast at the time I thought Bert was Johnny professional I got over there 20 minutes too early he invites me into his man cave he offers me something we sit there he gave me that weed from that you like the sativa from uh bety Crocker whatever her [ __ ] name Phil Stiller you even bought a joint you were very CRA and we sat there and waited for Ralphie May we got a call about 8:15 saying that Ralphie was coming up over the hill remember you going B right here he's not coming up over anyway listen to me it's 9:00 and I go listen call him again and ask him where he is so now he calls again you call him you call him you call him I go Bert I think that's a the reality that we might as well stop this and also the phone rings and Ralphie May's like I'm stuck on L Canyon I'm just pulling up and bu a gas station there's a a the whole address a pie place across the street I'm talking about Laur Canyon and what he's Clos to and uh Bert directs him to where he goes but anyway I got that a quarter 8 the podcast was supposed to start at 8 it's 10 the [ __ ] 10 so Ralphie comes in smoking a vapor pen I'm sitting there with B we're having a blast it's a great podcast we go back and forth finally it's mid it's 12:30 at night the girls asleeping it's time to go we hug we we walk out I walk I follow bird out right I follow bird out I don't know nothing I can't see at night so I'm going to follow the [ __ ] leader it's his house but all of a sudden I assume Ralphie's behind me and I just hear and we both turn around in Shar and there's Ralph you l in your daughter's do house it was it was it was how's the dollhouse oh it was it was uh it was destroyed do it was like a meteor H one of those Chinese Villages it was and I remember me and BR looked at each other and we could not laugh listen you can not laugh at your friend okay what are you talking about no no no there listen there's certain situations when you laugh at your friend you did something stupid they gave you Chinese instead of Italian you know but there's just certain times where something happens to a friend of yours and you cannot [ __ ] but that time that time period has passed I guess no listen to me he falls what was it please it was uh it was um it was uh beach chairs it was beach chairs it's like the kind that you can fold up and put into a sleeve and then open up and they turn into a chair and he fell on top of them and literally like he didn't he he wasn't hurt at all he [ __ ] him up all you heard was like you thought there was 40 Kung Fu Ms in the room karate chopping wood you heard each karate CH each pach of wood go down uh it looked like someone just destroyed a tent they just they were all flat oh my God and he was like ah player what was that I was like and by the way they were cheap as [ __ ] they weren't like super expensive that's why he went right through them yeah he went right through them they were the [ __ ] cheapest ones you could get he's like play let me give you 100 bucks for him I was like Ralphy they cost five bucks but he was uh yeah he was [ __ ] high as [ __ ] walking out of that house we had to pick him up yeah that's no picnic he's like a play I'm G to get in the car drive home we're like a you sure so the whole time I'm walking out with him and I got that ball of laughter stuck like if it's right behind my heart that that that yell I was supposed to let out like there was a yell when that happened at that point that I was supposed to let out that I did not let out and I just wanted to go in my car I just wanted to get to my car and he kept asking what are you doing tomorrow meet me at the Country Club we'll get the kids swimming and all this [ __ ] on like R I got to go I got to go to the bathroom really bad said listen guys I got in the car that door wasn't shut 4 minutes and I just let out laughed it that it was just incomprehensible I remember starting the car sideways like I was like ah as I got around the cor and I called Bert he wouldn't answer the tell ask Bert was that the funniest [ __ ] thing it was you had ever seen in your life I'm still laughing from cuz Bert and I and him were walking out very like uh J I say like it was no it was no big deal we're just walking out of here like we we walked out of here a thousand times and all of a sudden you hear BL oh we were on the like it like I remember I remember getting done that and sitting in the man cave and just and looking at that chair just going how do I explain that to the [Music] girls I've had so many I've had so many runin with Ralphie that I that'll make me laugh so hard I mean my favorite one is we went uh he's going to hate that I'm saying this we went to uh bet love the first story oh my God he I know what Ralphie is saying in his head right now in this story we go to uh we do uh Atlantis with Paul and Young Ron and Ralphie and I are are the comedians Ralphie's headline and I'm kind of open I'm not kind of open I'm definitely opening for him I'm doing 20 minutes Ry doing an hour so every [ __ ] night we go out to dinner every night we go out to dinner rafie orders a [ __ ] grab bag of beautiful stuff to eat and he pays for it every [ __ ] night so the last night Leanne's like hey we got to put our credit card down we can't let rafie pay he's paid for like [ __ ] five meals so like lunches too you know so uh so we go to noo we go to noo I think some whatever the not noo so subu soou whatever the sushi restaurant in that place is we go there and I I stop the lady before we even get the meal I go hey give her my credit card I go the big guy doesn't pay she's like okay so she comes up with a bill at the end of the night and she hands it directly to me and Ralphie goes play I got that I was like no Ralphie already paid and he starts giggling hard as [ __ ] and he goes oh you don't want that player you don't want that I was like Ralphie no I got it I got it I open it and I see the bill and is $1,200 and I go and and he sees my eyes realize I can't afford it like he like I can't afford it I can't afford I'm featuring I can't afford it no one can afford it he sees my eyes and he starts laughing this Ralphy laugh and then Leanne says how much is it and I go shut the [ __ ] up that's how much it is Ralphie goes oh play you just done [ __ ] up you should have just let me pay for it I was I wasn't willing to spend what we paid for in a tip like the tip was [ __ ] uh 240 bucks I wasn't willing to spend that it and then I went and the first thing I did I went out right to the bank machine and I pulled out $1,000 and put it on black and lost I [ __ ] went down like $4,000 at night and the end I got into a huge [ __ ] fight oh and then Ralphie's I said it on radio one time ra he's like player we didn't eat 1,200 lb of sushi $ of sushi you drank $1,000 worth of booze and we had $200 worth of sushi I was like I don't know Ralphie it's probably somewhere like 4 and eight they were bringing out Dolphins like this is all we got left let me tell you something I told Lee the other night when Ralphie first hit it was very fun to see he's the sweetest guy in the world man listen when he was broke he was doing some amazing things I've always loved that kid yeah we were talking last night you know about Houston food and I said listen you guys they were talking about queso and I'm like I tell you what don't even bother and they go why not you're being negative I go you know why because I hung out with Ralph when he first moved here and there was 10 of them from Houston and they would get together every night this is when Doug gave rre the apartment on Gardener Doug stanh hope had an apartment on cumston on Garder no the apartment on the street where uh 7-Eleven is in on Sunset Boulevard do you know what I'm talking about yeah the 7eleven so the block after that was Nick depalo and Mitch Hedberg lived on that block the block after that was Ralphie and the block after that was Josh Wolf in 1998 that's how it was all right that's how it was he was on curs or something like that then there's the whatever and then there's Garder that's where Ralphie lived and Vista is where Josh Wolf lived this was a great County neighborhood and let me tell you something as broke as he was ralie he would leave The Comedy Store and invite you to his house and he would deep fry a turkey in the backyard you'd be eating deep fried turkey at 5:30 in the morning with mashed potatoes and stuff in player yeah he would go back to his house and cook for us they I was telling Lee they used to drive to Houston 24 hours straight to bring back Bloody Marry mix and what's the beer they drink Shiner block Shiner block yeah that's how crazy they were cuz Jodie Seline rester Soul St she she died recently about 6 months ago rester so they were all friends of Ralphie yeah Ralphie knew Stacy from The Comedy Club Seline let Ralphie stay with a while they were getting ready to move to LA and Jody's a comic from Houston and they all drove up after that John wesling came up with them after John Wesley after that [ __ ] a bunch of other Houston Comics came up and they had their own little Community really and they would get together and it was always the same argument oh I went to this [ __ ] place it says Texas barbecue the place sucks I said give it up when you go to Texas that's when you eat barbecue when you here you're just going to get ripped the [ __ ] off you're not going to my wife she's from the south like your wife nobody complains more than them about so when she tries to hit me with something I whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you're from the south correct yeah do we go to that barbecue place no cuz it's terrible the same [ __ ] difference that's why I don't want you cooking human food we had the we were in Tampa airport we went to La La columia in Tampa Airport and I said to I said you know uh I know it's an airport but this is legit Cuban food like we're in Tampa they're not having like this is Cuban people making this food and we had Cuban food sh padoo rooo and uh not P um rava and then we had uh cettas and uh and uh Cuban sandwiches I bought it I just bought it all Spanish rice and white rice and black beans and lean got so [ __ ] into it for her birthday the other day she was like I want Cuban food so we went to laera Cubana have you been there no where is it Laur Canyon oh yeah it's not the best oh not the best we got to call next time yeah yeah yeah as soon as you walk in there you smell the food how bad it is I took Lee in there one time we walked out wasn't it you and I I don't think that was me me and you me and Jerry roacho walked in there they took a little too long to get to the table and before they got to the table and go I think we should get out of there so one day I had a uber like a regular driver he picked me and Lee up for uh getting the high with Doug and he gave me his number and I called him for an airport run one day I left my phone is car I called him he goes I'm right around the corner he was he said he was a Cuban dude W now lady comes back with my phone but he also brought me a Cuban sandwich from that place was God awful it was yeah it's not Cuban bread the only the only thing I've ever gotten there was uh chicken and rice right a rose compo it's not bad to me it tasted okay cuz it's only chicken and rice but they probably didn't do it right no they didn't no because Rose compoyo isn't the way that that the way they do it is a little different than one the way I had it in Tampa growing up in Tampa growing up there was a presentation to it you know um the red peppers on the sides over the sides and they really want to dop it up some plantains around the side the gooey ones not the hard ones yeah the gooey ones that's what it usually calls for you know if you're going to go to eat Cuban food in this area I'll tell you what the where to go and what to get where where do we go around here you go over the the hill to Silver Lake to a place called elito elito go to the manually elito and you get yourself p is my favorite is good there Pico is good there but my favorite this is the place I use the C in my wedding really you understand me what's the name of this place again elito but what I did was I only got the pork chunks with the white rice and the black beans smoking smoking really but I took my wife this last time on date night and we ordered the Cuban fried rice listen if you like East Coast fried rice get the fried rice in this place really Jesus Christ alight 500 views four stars I'm in I'm going there toor you yeling too you're worse than my little [ __ ] Christ killer over here he goes on Yelp for he can't even go to the bathroom without yeling it they have some bathrooms on Yelp look at they check it out what's the lunch special tomorrow we boo Palio ground beef with potatoes and olives andol red beans oh [ __ ] Lee we might be doing road trip I kind of want to go with you guys you got a you got a late late night flight oh yeah I can't go in the morning that's the best time to go with at 1:30 be we could leave here 1:30 be down there I supposed to be in Anaheim tomorrow for what that that's not happening we're going to get Cuban food call Anaheim to the conference has been cancelled that if they want a conference they got to pay you they got to come over here to see you in fact as a matter of fact you're on conferences as we speak right now the next one is uh September 8th over here at the holiday in express you'll be doing your own conference on podcasting charging $500 for these [ __ ] jerk CS to come and learn nothing from people haven't done de are you doing a podcasting event no I'm not I'm not do I'm I'm just going to some oh [ __ ] Thursday's Papa nice boy aalo on Friday inv me is paa Valencia paa is a [ __ ] amazing chetas pork chops every every day [ __ ] kidding me every day at our high school we had uh uh the palomia tremendous every day every day we have have that in [ __ ] high school every cuz we had Cuban uh all Cuban women I man I must have eaten that I must have had cuz you could get you could get uh every day you get black beans and rice no matter what was they were serving they always made black beans and rice and they always made uh like once a week there was every meal we had was Cuban food for all cuz it was all Cuban uh women cooking in our kitchen so every day you could get black beans and rice no matter what it was spaghetti you still could get black beans and rice and the palomia you could always get that man I must have had that every and then you had Crispy Cream Donuts in the morning just and brand new Crispy Cream Donuts they warm no not warm but they were fresh like they were still they weren't still yet dude I used to light those [ __ ] up and number two not to change this concept of the of what we're talking about food or whatever yeah just to get this wrapped up you also have listen I did the Rogan podcast man you and I as friends and Lee and the church people listen to it whatever you liked it I was kind of ashamed by it I was kind of a sham that Rogan Let It Go but hold on that Rogan let it go there but uh I could have I could have done that his podcast I laughed I was on the hold on I'm going to stop you I was on the treadmill so I said when the Rogan's podcast started I said there's going to be three plus hours of of something I want to see my three of my favorite human beings just [ __ ] [ __ ] getting high and drinking and I was like I'm in so I said I get on the treadmill and I'm going to start watching and it it there was a slow build the first hour was like a slow build no not hour 30 minutes was like you know getting warm everyone's getting a little bit of a buzz man there was a part where I'm holding on to the sides of my treadmill doubled over laughing and I start tweeting Joey Diaz is killing me right now killing me I I was on the treadmill for the entire [ __ ] podcast walking and running not running the whole time but walking and running so I'm listening it was one of my favorite it was one of my favorite podcasts I've ever listened to you were so funny that I called Tom right with the conversation we were having about later I called Tom immediately when I was after I was like that I was like what tell me about it like just tell me about it he was like Joey's the [ __ ] Next Level man he's the funniest guy that we know we are we've been doing this for six years now yeah you know this is this is what I do two nights a [ __ ] week and I'm trying to write a book so those these memories are fresh in my mind these crazy [ __ ] things I bring up from the dead and I go oh my God you know I I was telling me I was telling my wife today that at my mom's funeral at the wake her best friend with white powder in her nose there's 200 to peep on the thing it's the second night and she goes I got to tell you something I don't like half to peep in this [ __ ] room and I go sorry and she goes I'm telling you and your mother didn't like him either she went up by the casket and in broken English she's like can I have your attention please and she goes listen nothing for nothing I see a lot of you people having a good time drinking there a lot of people in this room that you didn't like dinor and dinor didn't like you do me a favor finish your drink get the [ __ ] out of here I got [ __ ] for days that I sit here and go what the [ __ ] just happened that's the thing about you that makes you different then then I think but then again you met with what's his name you're the [ __ ] whatever for thesis for a book you were the number one party kid in [ __ ] Tampa Florida and [ __ ] people were driving up 8 hours just to have a drink with you or some [ __ ] yeah but I'm not I'm but yeah the thickness of your life matters you know on stage I talk about how I had a childhood I even though my mom died and stuff I still remember going to Dunkin' Donuts by White Castle and putting my dick on the glass going to the going to the counter putting my dick on a glass and ordering donuts and then ordering a donut from underneath and the lady would see your dick that's childhood no matter what was going on in my [ __ ] life you know I'm glad I'm glad I wasn't one of those kids that came out to LA and at 27 had a lot of heat and everyone was like I mean I did I did have a lot of heat at 27 but I'm glad I wasn't the guy that like can I like not to but like I'm glad that I had to struggle and then I got had to that I didn't that I'm glad about that that when we all got into podcasting we were all looking for something and we we were hungry for something and we all did something at the at the right time for us and if look if this podcasting goes away tomorrow I'm cool with that I'm cool with this yeah I'm cool with this I learned a big lesson I learned a very big lesson and I had assumptions and this is something that you cannot doubt me out cuz I have my friend over there I'll tell you every assumption I had leis say what are you looking at this cup for like you're G in the desert you never seen water for every assumption I've had with you has come true especially when it come to podcasting I saw the growth I was on the road you're on the road you see the interest yeah you see the interest the number one thing people say to me is hey thank you for the free content all the time I had driving a forklift and I listen to you and Joey Diaz for three hours and you guys got me to lunch and you're like dude [ __ ] dude I you know tremendous tremendous that's the best compliment I can get I've been in New York City about to take the fery this is great I went and did a op and whoever Sam and I [ __ ] take a cab to whatever and I'm staying in we Hawking so I take the fio and I'm out there it's freezing some goes hey I'm listening to you right now we start talking it's a greatest feeling in the world me we start talking and he goes you wouldn't happen to have one of those stars of death on you with you I go you know what it's your lucky day [ __ ] listen this kid lit up I still had I just found his card about 3 months ago in my drawer have a card clip yeah he's like listen you and Joe Rogan never want a [ __ ] box at a jet game and he gave me his card and it was like New York Jets I was like wow I showed Rogan yeah like a Rogan if you ever you know Rogan don't want to go to a [ __ ] Jack game so it was just crazy that this guy W going Jets he was about to go to work he had two cell phones in his [ __ ] head I mean you could tell the dude was somebody nice suit and he snapped what he was doing and he was like hey what about this one that I told Rogan the other day I've done some great listen some weird [ __ ] has happened yeah in The Last 5 Years that even I have been blown away the family who came up to me in front of Tom sagur in Portland a family a mom with their three daughters we listen to your podcast and the little girls like yeah [ __ ] sucking like oh my God was 3 weeks ago when I went to get this haircut I went to Jiu-Jitsu I took like a Puerto Rican shower I wiped down with that thing I went to the clean Jiu-Jitsu where it's always really clean I go to two different places some weeks yeah and uh I went over there and get a hiccup it's 2:45 2:45 5 I'm [ __ ] you know my headcuts at 3 yeah I can't come all the way home it's right by portal I'm right by PTO the line's too long I don't even have time to wait for a [ __ ] sandwich and get to the barber I'm watching and there's [ __ ] hundreds of people walking in Magnolia between Magnolia is dead all the way up to PTO and then from PTO for about a half a mile let's rock in the daytime they got a Cuban coffee shop at garito they got a the pie place they got a a red wi shoe place there's a uh what's that you seen the makeup store they have that they outside don't they have like a famous donut place or something IA gets her haircut around there something I guess so I went over there and I parked right on Magnolia you know I'm a [ __ ] Savage you know I'm a Savage what do you think I do I got 15 minutes ago I got to get a haircut this is the first time in there I'm a little nervous I know the chick let a number you know I did I put the air on and I open up the windows and I'm watching these white people in Burbank looking around for who's smoking and I'm blowing clouds out of the sunroof with the [ __ ] Air Blast and you understand with the music on like nobody's even in the car and I'm sitting there like an undercover cop you know me I got tactics I'm an X burglar smoke coming out of but there's no it no no no when I got the air on and then from time to time I open up the back window and it was right on the corner it was right on the corner so people who were crossing the street yeah could smell it I'm opening up the windows so now I leave the windows down after the joint was done I put it back in the tube The Perennial gives you a tube I put it back in the tube and I put in the door handle so when I walk out I take it with me and dump it on the [ __ ] in the garbage so I sit in the corner 10 minutes boom it's 3:00 I pull up the windows the cars all air out I spray for Breeze and I walk across the street I walk to the corner I don't even walk out of my car and jwalk because bird bank they kind of weird yeah yeah B bank they see you looking at your phone you're getting two tickets don't [ __ ] around on Magnolia Jack oh yeah by the 7-Eleven though that's where they kill you they weigh at that light and if you know how when you're at a light like this what's the first thing you do when you're at a light you're fidgety right yeah you got 12 [ __ ] clicks till the [ __ ] guy puts his hand on and it becomes a yellow that means actually you got from the time a [ __ ] light turns yellow to Red it's three seconds so if it says 12 you if you go reach to your left and you go like this in Burbank yeah and you to see what time it is and that cop is over there you're getting pulled over yeah so here I am wreaking a [ __ ] reefer wreaking I closed my carard door and I walked the proper way onto the sidewalk and I walked to the crosswalk well guess who's at the [ __ ] C now I know that this don't smell like Rea because I smell some fre breeze on me but you always got that essence of PTO when you smoke the joint in your car it just sinks into your clothing yeah my luck guess who stands next to me who the [ __ ] do you think comes and stands next to me worse than a cop especially for guys like me and you because we understand where they're coming from a kid that's a mom with a kid with a stroller with a kid and I am embarrassed and I feel like the biggest piece of [ __ ] junkie there is I really need to smoke a join that Magnolia really Joey yeah really Joey 54 years old and I'm standing I look up and there's like 92 clicks left like I'm I'm not going anywhere she's standing next to me she's going to smell the weed with her kids she's going to comment I would I would it's [ __ ] 2:00 really Joey you really got to be high at [ __ ] 2:00 do you know that we take 10 steps together she looks over at me and I see her take a double look and by the time we get to the sidewalk I walk over first to let her in you know how you have to if you have a child you have to go to that sideway yeah yeah yeah yeah and the whole time she was looking at me and she goes hey man I love you on the jogan podcast and I LLY [ __ ] my [ __ ] pants she smelt the reefer that's why she was smiling a do you know how good I felt that's the first time that's a redeeming woman usually a guy like me anybody comes up and says hey I see you on a podcast like the suck your dick that would be the ideal situation and this woman was a Burbank mom yeah do you understand me this just I understand you understand understand when she looked at me and smiled like wow this is Burbank is the expensive part of the valley yes that's where when you live it's it's Burbank I had no idea I I didn't know and and like those little small houses are astronomical prices first of all tomorrow we'll get high and we'll take a clicker with us see how many houses are for sale in B take we'll take a click people don't s the house in bman cuz it's a great School District amazing school so the people on South it's insane where Joey and I live people are buying houses for $2 million that's how good the school district is and like and like and we're we're in the cheap of that like we're not living in those big manions I'm renting and I love it and we look around and we're going to find the right [ __ ] thing one day and we're going to catch somebody asleep yeah that's it either that or we're praying for an earthquake once the earthquake hits these [ __ ] run out of here like4 we're building a pool we're not going anywhere you all going under theground lean's lean Lanna is [ __ ] happy she's happy she got the car she wants she's got the house she wants the girls are happy they love their High School their uh Middle School I think they're going to go to private school I think they're both going to go to private school next year why uh cuz George is going to go to high school and North Hollywood High School isn't the best high school I think there's there's like a zoo magnet that's really good I don't know I'm only listening but there's I think Leanne wants her them to go to this this uh private school that our friends came now right now you work very hard you go on the road you earn every dollar you get the podcast you got your little TV shows when you were 25 did you ever think that you going to be coming home to support a family and not blinking eye when I was 25 you couldn't get a dollar out of me I didn't give a [ __ ] if you were my wife and that was my kid you understand me I'm the one I was digging trenches at 28 I loosened up we're in uh we're in London I'm doing a show in London I'm doing a podcast in London I fly the girls over right and like a sofa bed on New Zealand Air like I fly them over not not not first class but in a nice thing I I fly over first class right I get a a driver we go out to go see this castle with our friends and we go up to this little this little uh in on the T TS River on the way to go to this Castle we're going to and the driver hops out and I'm getting ready to hop out and Leanne stops me she goes take two seconds and feel really proud of yourself I said why she goes your silly little jokes afforded all of this like just you coming up with silly jokes you just and you know you know it's one of the things I love about Stan hope is like I had that moment where I went like oh yeah man I just I just have like a I just I think I'm a good person I think that's number one that's why I work you know I'm a good person but I do I like being silly and I like giggling I like having a good time but I and I had a great moment that I thought not only can I afford to pay for their lunch but I can pay I can afford this trip off of standup off of standup comedy and then I called St hope one night it's one of my favorite St hope stories and it's not a great story but it's just it's it's nuanced I think if you're a comic you get it I called Stan hope I'm I'm uh sitting in the man cave I'm having a cocktail every now and then we'll just call and just talk for a little while I just called him up I go hey what are you doing he's like uh sitting out uh outside the fun house having a cigarette having a vodka in my pajamas just trying to think of some Goofs I said what he goes just thinking of some goofs you know some like Goofs some goofy things I go you're 50 and your your life consists of sitting around in your pajamas having a cocktail thing in a Goofs I go that is the [ __ ] dream job right there is being 50 years old and just sitting around and daydreaming about something that's silly you know it's the best the if you said dream job is you on Rogan the other day and you go changing flavors when I heard that I was doubled [ __ ] over and I went that's no that's I mean that's for anyone else that's no job but that's your job oh the [ __ ] I might be too [ __ ] up to have these thoughts I'll never forget that teacher like I farted it's changing flavors listen what happened I farted and it was it took over the bus for about 20 minutes right and it was those windows that you had to open up this way with the two pinch you to pinch and drop them that never worked and they had the windows open and they're like this changing flavors smelling out the window right oh my God going oh that's terrible half of the people going like this right so then yeah it settled down for like 20 minutes and about 20 minutes later my stomach is [ __ ] hurting it's on fire I'm like oh my God I can't thr again and all of a sudden I felt that warm air just slip out of my ass and I was on the outside seat it was two men per seat and the guy next to me never even said it's coming from here probably paralyzed him or something nerve agent the beauty of this was that so the the first fart took over for about 20 minutes and they were like actually like te changing flavor it is the beauty of it that like one by one that we going what flavor was the first one it was death the first time so now they're taking their hands off and this is what I remember I never forget that they were like is it safe like oh my God chil is the chili is in the front of the bus they're like oh that was so bad and we're in the back and some of the guys gigling and you know there was a dude like mutz he was like 300 lb and all he ate was mozarella cheese MZ he was the first one they were looking at God blast his soul you there was a couple dudes that were a little chubbier you know at that time I was 140 148 really it didn't really look like it come out of me I just ate like a bad stum yeah bad I miss stum oh my God and next thing you know I feel that warm egg coming out of my what do you mean he feel it coming out it doesn't here's the funny thing that it was quiet for about 2 minutes and you hear somebody go oh no and people like no no open the and a the teacher smelt and he goes he's changing flavors oh it was terrible and next you know it it was bad this one was like the thickness of it I dropped three of them that night that was the second one the second one had them going [ __ ] bananas like oh no bus driver please pull over I'm going to get sick like that [ __ ] like that type of [ __ ] and the people are saying puke in your bag if you need to PUK and I'm sitting there howling and in all that howling I drop another one like I gave him 20 minute breather in between the first and the second one this one was a trembler I hit him with one and like 6 minutes later they got the core of the [ __ ] and they could not deal with it the chillers were crying it's not going to stop it's not going to stop maybe it's not the but they they started blaming on the engine it's the they were blaming it they were blaming it on everything they could till this day those people don't know that it was my juicy [ __ ] they don't know the only reason why I didn't say that was me is because the chili is you're you're a [ __ ] freshman yeah I'm going to be know for the kid who stunk up the bus by all those girls none of those girls are going to date me so I couldn't come out and say I'm the guy if that was just a bus filled with football guys oh oh my God would have pulled my own finger I would have got up and lit my [ __ ] on fire oh that's what happened the second time he goes oh no he's changing flavors [ __ ] and he held on to his face stop saying that I was on the treadmill and I I grabbed on to both the handlebars on the side and was double over laughing it's funny because it's like you're watching Joe lose his [ __ ] Tommy lose his [ __ ] and you're oblivious to the fact that it's that funny I took the comic to bre when I was booking Breer on Wednesday nights Vinnie light bulbs AKA Vinnie Capa moved to North Hollywood and I bumped into him and I asked him if he had a gig and I gave him a and in front of Vinnie I told the story about that place in Tennessee where I went on stage and the chick was the husband was oh yeah yeah yeah yeah she blew me and then she went back in you told me that story one night but not on the podcast just talking who does that happen to man first of all who goes to Knoxville Comedians and students I I like that club i' never been to that club but I've seen it cuz the new club no the the old one the one that was that white box or that box this was when I was there I was in a hotel it belonged to he oh okay it was a t nighter it was a half from Charlotte yeah yeah I don't know that guy all those guys yeah creative entertainment their brothers or something I don't know I don't know what the deal was the deal when I moved that way there was a manager here I signed with and he had just left creative yeah they were huge because they had Carrot Top they were huge yeah he was huge at that time they had just shot the movie and the three guys were like we can't fight over carot th so let's just split them three ways and when our part you know they got greedy because it was three guys and they one of them said we should manage them and of course because it's three guys they want the big deal the big deal it's not about like getting this career off the ground you know BT you said something interesting Joe Rogan has been saying it for 20 years Ralphie said it to me today when I spoke with him and I realized it six years ago with standup Comics I was a mediocre standup comic till I started this podcast mediocre at best I was a funny guy that didn't know how to organize anything and I started listening to Rogan I started going back to The Comedy Store 6 years I've been back 5 years whatever it is I started watching the Le and Sebastian and Ron White and Chappelle and you know I remember going to Columbus the first time for Justin just eating a bag of dicks the whole weekend and he didn't book me for a year through and I'm like I know why cuz I ate a bag of dicks I wasn't really headlining now we got it down now it all came together at the same time the standup the form the the [ __ ] technique now you have you add this aspect to it you add the aspect of coming onto a podcast telling your point of view about something but at the same time explaining why you're saying that point of view you lived it you have to give it a chance and let it breathe for a few days yeah you can make assumptions you know it's like what happened today shocked the [ __ ] world I mean shocked me I had just gotten some weed and I put it in front of the heater to dry I left it in front of the heater to dry and I went to take Mercy swimming and while I'm sitting there watching Mercy swimming I'm like I forgot to take the heater off so while they were showering getting dressed I ran home the heater was off I was so high I forgot that I [ __ ] turned it off yeah but as I was walking out Lee called me and said that Jon Jones had been yeah whatever with the steroids it it was a kick to my [ __ ] like it was a kick to my [ __ ] stomach you know uh I went back my wife was putting Mercy in the car I got to tell you something when you get in here you're not going to believe this you know we were both jering for him yeah we both uh believe something you know and and I was disappointed and my wife couldn't [ __ ] believe it you know she was like how could this happen then we went to eat and a friend called and she's was just going off she's like I finally believed them blah blah and you know he's in his [ __ ] 20s bird do you think if you threw a million dollars at me when I was in my 20s I was going to show up at 6:00 in the morning so I'm like I hope you don't really believe that yeah I really hope you don't believe that that when I was 27 if you gave me $20,000 and said I had to be somewhere at 8 in the morning I was going to be there I wouldn't be there my 20s were a [ __ ] disaster I don't know about you Lee was a little bit more controlled he took his he didn't take as many chances there some people have went crazy like looking at me from what I did like the stuff I've done I I would never thought I would have do that stuff at all what like the acid yeah that stuff and then like stand up and that stuff life is an experience man it's so weird nothing happens till you do it you know yeah like you could sit there and read all the books you want about scumbags who did this and you're buying into that [ __ ] meanwhile you're sitting there reading about somebody else's [ __ ] life you [ __ ] [ __ ] you know I we were talking about the other day how where we grew up in the areas we grew up in I like to figure out how many people actually left our area I came from no I came from they either went to Miami and when they do vacation they go to Miami or Atlantic City that's a big weekend the AC uh some of them left for I wouldn't have left if I had family I would have never left if I had family I had no family I had a chance to [ __ ] get up and go and watch what was going on a stand up got me to leave I was like I can't do stand up in Florida I'll just end up stand in Florida I'll be I'll be funny I'll get a radio gig and I'll just stay in Florida like I'll never leave and I won't be ever run my own radio show cuz I don't have that kind of interest in that I'll just be the third mik of and I I would have ended up so [ __ ] hacky thank God I left you're lucky cuz the warrants got me to leave really the warrant a couple of Loan Sharks I had no I had no [ __ ] clue then I left made it out of there then nobody said nothing I went back and got more and got greedy now I started [ __ ] around with drug dealers yeah and fr from [ __ ] drug and then I had to [ __ ] leave and uh I'm happy I did I every time I go to San Francisco the second day it destroys me really yeah because that's the that's one I went to I went to first I went to Basalt and then I lived in Basalt for a month and a half and we were going to give up the house and me and my buddy from Jersey moved to a an apartment in snow mass and we were there for a while and then I started burglarizing the businesses and Dr drug dealers in the area in Stow Mouse and they got hot to me and I came back to Jersey and I by the way for no one who's ever been to Aspen or of Aspen is such a small community oh please it was terrible terrible terrible like burglarizing 1200 people I still remember Christmas Eve 1984 there was an article that said four business four businesses burglarized on Christmas Eve you know what that was me being at home feeling sorry for myself I had a little package of Coke in my pocket and I go let me go for a [ __ ] walk and see who's that let me I [ __ ] go for a walk I go to this the only bar that's open on Christmas Eve filled with losers I never forget there was one guy playing The Bongo I never forget this is clear as day and a friend of mine took a bottle shook it up and shouted at the guy like what the [ __ ] is wrong with your life that set the tone for the night in those days I us to drink Southern Comfort and orange juice it's called a tequila sunrise no no no it's called a southern Sunrise what do you an American Boughton I know I I've had that drink I had that drink one time I I had it at malos at this time that was my drink I was 19 maybe 20 and I do listen I'm going be honest with you one of the things I didn't like about drinking was you come to me on a Tuesday night and go Joey I got enough money for an a ball Let's Take a Ride I you don't want to go [ __ ] yourself give me a Southern Comfort give me a second com Southern Comfort give me a third Southern Comfort I'll do anything for you so I would go have I would be a regular guy and in those days I would have three or four Southern Comforts and I became [ __ ] Coco yeah I would leave there like a [ __ ] Savage and I would have to Rob some something like I would have to Rob kick in the door something yeah it was crazy on this one night I left this [ __ ] place it was like 2:00 in the morning it's [ __ ] Christmas I got no girlfriend I live with a guy he's got a girlfriend that gone I'm going to go back and finish this package in my pocket I don't let me see what the [ __ ] going on and I kicked in like four doors and finally one door I found the safe you know I I took the safe to go in those days the safe to go Oh in those days safe were to go you just grab the safe and walk out on a [ __ ] one of those carts oh that's crazy then you take it home and bang on it for 3 hours like you know what you're doing then you finally got to call around for a week and you get to get get get a guy who knows how to have a blow torch with a shut and put those slippery fingers Lee Lee are you asleep no I'm just I'm I can't believe what I'm hearing like how do you like AR you worried about the cops coming when I was a kid I watched a movie called Thief yeah I was and it [ __ ] molded me so I wanted to be a full-time Thief so for a while I remember I Rob when I robbed Martin the [ __ ] you know how I did it how I [ __ ] got those suction cups I thought I was [ __ ] The Pink Panther I got suction cups like an idiot bir Christ you ready for this yeah cuz you know me I was Johnny Mafia you learned to be a a burglar on from movies like you just like took all their tricks huh took all the tricks from movie B movie burglar oh my God that's what you did put on [ __ ] oh no le you are I you are the highest I've ever seen you no this is nothing we haven't we got to we're still doing the second half of the podcast we got to eat some more stars oh Jesus Christ this is nothing how long how long have we been going 3 hours oh we should probably rap it up I have to work out in the morning let me tell you something I watch this movie what movie The Thief with James KH 1981 you never saw this didn't you uh just one scene I'll show you and you go home and tell me and you got to watch it just put it up what what scene click it up on the [ __ ] thing hey what was the deal with Ellen chenworth is she Chris chenworth no no no no no no no no no that's you're horrible you trying to do these things we only ate what you only ate six of them Lee stop complaining I weigh more than six how many did you eat you gave me like eight I ate like 12 of course no I ate 10 that was it like 2000 just like what are you doing you T you're sending a letter to the Navy try so I watched this movie and then I went back to Jersey and my friend turned me on to his friend and he used to get me jobs to go to warehouses and case the joints up and let them know where the safe was and [ __ ] like that the thief English sub titles hold on hold on was it a no pring the thief James Conan with capital letters please what is what are we in the first grade there you go there you go no just James Khan yeah all right click on the badass nobody ever saw this movie be that one like cons watch this and I'm going to show you something else too guys you going to learn something from watching the se you know I don't show you no [ __ ] [ __ ] will I've been rocking your world all week this is what's his name you didn't get a delivery of something zinc what my name is Frank and that was both [ __ ] what is this this is youre gags 185,000 of my money we have this problem what problem what are you talking about he was moving my merchandise so the money in his pocket when he went out the window is my money this is a plating company what are you telling me this [ __ ] [ __ ] I want my money hey I don't know what you're talking about Mr Frank laa whatever some guy died yes your state goes to probate take it to probate cour what do you bug me with this I come here to discuss a piece of business with you and what are you going to do you going to tell me fairy tales hey who the [ __ ] are you slick somebody knows you what are you crazy or what I don't know you I don't know some clown named gags go go see what you got to do get out of here call go ahead get the [ __ ] out of here hold all right all right Jesus Christ do what he says do what he says lay down go ahead put your hands on your head spread your legs now hey you you goof look at the wall I am the last guy in the world that you want to [ __ ] with you found my money on gags let us pretend that you don't know whose money it is that's right for Christ sakes I don't know who you [Music] are 3 hours I will call the set a meet you will pay me my money [Music] $185,000 good this is how the movie starts that tell you this one this movie was [ __ ] the problem with this movie is it didn't hit the country they came on on HBO wow and it was on the same month as the Raging Bull and uh Hollywood Nights click onto that one scene under his you go all the way to the thing all right the other one the other dire there click on to [Music] that this movie will blow your [ __ ] mind and you're also going to who directed this Lee you know who directed this the guy that did Miami Vice he's big time he directed heat all he did when he wrote heat was rewrite this nobody saw it withit uh uh I know Michael man Michael man this is [Music] it he released this in 81 and nobody saw it come on give me an excuse come on get out of here the B get off for what gra one out of [Music] [Music] pway pick him up huh hey Car Sales youy you remember my name now I can I not since the police department do not hire too many Puerto Ricans [ __ ] I'm Italian I'm pleased to meet you ugly [ __ ] son of a [ __ ] you mother you're a standup guy you're a real standup guy you got a mouth you can take a trimming you could make things easy for everybody but no you got to be a goof you're real good no balance strictly professional I'd probably like you like to go to to the track ball games stuff like that you know Frank there's ways of doing things that round off the corners make life easy for everybody what's wrong with that there's plenty to go around we know what you take down we know you got something major coming down soon but no you got to come on like a stiff prick who the [ __ ] do you you think you are what's the matter with you you got something to say or uh you waiting for me to ask you to dance it ever occurred to you to try to work for a living take down your own scores okay [ __ ] this guy tell you something I'm going to be on your ass so much you're going to get careless and on that day I'm going to be in that place and that is the last place that you want to be cuz no matter what happens I will never ever take a pinch from a greasy [ __ ] like you you mother kill you right here goes two ways get this [ __ ] out of here C him loose telling you guys if youever get the chance to watch this movie from beginning to end I want to watch it now who's it who are who's it the cast I think I feel like I know the cast the cast is death the cast is is Belushi's brother and you ready for this one yeah uh the country western singer go back to Thief for a second there cuz and the guys that laid down on the floor when he told them go back to scenes like scenes from the YouTube that you had before you know who's one of those guys that lays down Dennis finina is that who that was that's who it was I was thinking it was first movies no no not the guy that shakes him down and he calls a Puerto Rican none of that [ __ ] who's that he was an actor that was around for that I think he did a couple episodes of Miami Vice but he was basically in a TV show that Michael man did called Crime Story what year was this which one am I looking at 1981 the thief James Khan okay keep going yeah James con keep scrolling Willie Nelson yeah Willie Nelson CH balushi yeah keep going Dennis finina scroll down Le for Love Of Christ hold on keep going ending ending or confrontation you see it up there right in front of you the up more up more right there the next one there you go you [ __ ] this want this confrontation too I confrontation there you go I'm giving you some good [ __ ] scenes here this movie guys drove me [ __ ] crazy I was done I wasn't going to go to college I wasn't going to do nothing with my life I was going to get a gun and figure out how to open up saves for 11 yeah this is one of movies from the'80s the problem with movies from the80s is it takes a long time to get to where you're going yeah yeah okay now at this time this guy sitting on the couch was big from Hill Street Blues this is you know you ever see those movies that you look and you go Ah that's an easy script I could have wrote that yeah this is one of those scripts that you're like this was a pretty good [ __ ] script the the [ __ ] the way they yeah no you could just tell who's that guy who's that guy right there he was anything shot in Chicago they used this [ __ ] I know that guy these are all Chicago actors all those movies they did Stan wolf crew the blue what is that uh The Breakfast Club all those movies they with the BL brother the Blues Brother Jesus Christ oh wow that seems a little bit much I would definitely thought I would have do that what are you going to do sometimes you got to hit people in the head look at the mother she's like you know what I don't know nothing I don't know nothing I'm not going to call nobody I don't want to know nothing I'm just going to sit here and watch my Nolla he's gone yeah this movie had some scenes that you're like Jesus and Bert it was on every night either in the same order HBO didn't have a lot of money in 1982 this was an HBO movie this was a movie that I first saw on HBO oh wow and I first started seeing this in HBO like January or February of 82 it was on every night followed by Raging Bull or Hollywood Knights or they would flip-flop them so every night I'd get home the nights I wouldn't do blow I'd get home and me and Mike runny would walk down the padm mark with like 10 bucks shoplift 10 bucks worth of stuff go home make milkshakes eat a sandwich and watch [Music] this he's walking down a hallway with a gun thank you Le I forgot to narrate it I didn't know I thought they could see it but unless you're home watching you can't see it all you need to know is this weekend you're going to sit there with your thumb up your [ __ ] ass watching preseason football watch a film That's a classic 1981 the thief James Khan Tuesday Weld Willie Nelson and Belushi's brother and I got to tell you something Belushi's brother's [ __ ] good in this I saw him on the plane one time and I was going to say something to him but I I said you know what why open my mouth mind my by oh [ __ ] grandpa had a gun too Grandpa's always got a gun that's my grandpa's daugh all right now fast forward into him walking out [Music] side right there Ki it right there all right this guy just wakes up he comes out of his [ __ ] coconut he shoots him first oh I like the music oh yeah this is Tangerine Dream they were [ __ ] hot in the ' 80s '70s look at my boy look at James KH shooting like a look at Dennis farina's first movie there you go there little history for you [ __ ] and I think K silence was his second movie with [ __ ] Chuck Norris who the [ __ ] you think you're dealing with ber kryan some [ __ ] noice look at that asarina beautiful head of hair oh God yeah oh no he's got a bulletproof vest on he ain't [ __ ] around James [Applause] contrack yeah Michael man was thinking of doing a part two to this but he just rewrote it and turned it into heat no into the hedges for's first death in the [Music] movie if I ever have to do a top 10 movie podcast this will be in the top 10 and I'll blow you [ __ ] mind throughout this movie oh bulletproof vest told you he had a vest on this guy came prepared back from he was ready for war this [ __ ] zombie finina listen dog he paid his wife to leave the baby to leave he blew up all his businesses he became a zombie he has a suitcase in the back of that car with cash and he's going somewhere to [ __ ] hide he's done he was robbing for himself making a good living he got in bed with some [ __ ] jerk offs they tried to Rob him he said I'm getting my money from him they got pissed off and that's the end of the movie he walks away so low like Michael Jackson in 77 you know what I'm saying I like that jib shot listen for you [ __ ] Savages I will be at the Ontario Improv Thursday Friday and Saturday my brother here Mr Burke ker will be at standup live got it in Phoenix Thursday Friday Saturday first show Thursday 8:00 listen that's the best show tonight you're going to show up you're going to smoke a couple TS and we do a little extra time because we're trying to find the [ __ ] right combination for the night Friday early will'll be Sensational Friday late will be Sensational then again if you want to be a Momo and watch the fight [ __ ] and not come on down either [ __ ] stand up live in Phoenix or Ontario Improv in the Ontario Mills mall and hang out with your [ __ ] Uncle Joey take a chance Columbus did all right that's how we doing it before I leave I just want to mention one thing to you [ __ ] Savages that's very important you want to look good and you're underwar and be comfortable right but the perfect balance is hard to find don't sacrifice Style or Comfort check out meundies.com and find the best pair underwear in the world meundies will be the most comfortable pair underwear you'll ever own made from sustainable Source naturally soft fabric that is three times softer than cotton ultimate feels let me tell 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that's meundies.com Choy this is a limited time only so what the hell are you waiting for start wearing the best underwear of your life hey they changed my life I wear them to Jiu-Jitsu they keep my nut sack nice and cozy in case I bump into a victim on the way home you know what I'm saying it's time to let the meundies change yours go to meundies.com joeey right now and R I got your ear listen you growing up you can't live in your mom's basement no more all right you're trying to be a [ __ ] Savage and uh you know what I'm trying to say to you is this plain and simple did you know that depending on where you get your mortgage you could save $20,000 or more but 80% of people only get one mortgage offer and if if you just go to your bank chances are you'll get ripped off uh Slash screwed you follow me Lending Tree doesn't want that to happen here's the thing the average Lending Tree customer can save $20,000 over the life of their loan that's just the average half of their customers could save even more whether you're looking for a new mortgage a refinance or home equity loan Len tree is the only place where you'll get five real offing from America's Top lenders and can compare side by side for free it only takes 3 minutes okay it's like shopping for flights online only you're shopping for the best mortgage offers for you rates always go up and down but regardless of what happens what what's happening with the rates you can always get the r right offer for you which is the most important thing with lendingtree.com are you sure you have the best deal let's find out right well it's going to take you 3 minutes find out how much you could save today at lendingtree.com Church delay right now take a chance Columbus did that's lendingtree.com church again lendingtree.com church I'm going to save you some money go to right now lendingtree.com Church Lending Tree LLC n MLS number 11 36 terms and conditions apply I want to thank Lending Tree I want to thank mundis I want to thank H it I want to thank my main man ber Cher for coming in I love you with a bottle a couple Stars a knife Lee got it all prep cuz he's a [ __ ] professional and that's how we do it I'll see you [ __ ] in Ontario and Berke prer we see you at standup live in Phoenix I love you [ __ ] with all my heart stay black have a great weekend thank you very much for listening you [ __ ] [Music] Savages I've got to run to keep Ro and I'm bound to keep on R I've got one more silver dollar but I'm not going to let them catch me no not going to let them catch the midnight night I don't own the clothes I'm wearing and the road goes on forever and I've got one more silver do but I'm not going to let him catch me no not going to let him catch the midnight r now going back the point of car so old bit I'll soon be sharing and I Dr one more Sil but I'm not going to let him catch me no not going to let him catch the midnight no I'm not no let catch me no I'm not going let him K from that so I'm not going to let them catch me no I'm not going to let them catch them in that right I'm not going let them CCH me know I'm not going let [Music] them oh oh oh go
