The Best Marriage - Ben Stuart

well when I was coming right out of college my sister asked me to meet her in Italy for a vacation she was living in Europe at the time and said man why don't you meet me over there but I haven't made any plans so can you sketch out an itinerary and just meet me in Rome and so I went for the next several days pulled out all these different books and begin to study Rome because I wanted to see all the ancient sites and I was trying to sketch out an itinerary for a few days in Rome a few days in Florence a day in Cinque Terre and so as I was doing that at dawn I mean wait a minute I have one buddy that's been there and he's journey through there let me ask him his experience of how to maximize my time visiting all these amazing ancient sites and so I sat down with him and I said man show me how to use my time he's like no problem dude he was like Rome you're gonna want to give it at least three days he said the first day you're gonna go to the Pantheon Pantheon was an ancient temple to the gods finished by Emperor Hadrian you're gonna want to show up there and walk past it and take a left because there's a gelato spot there and they got rice flavored gelato you're gonna want to make sure you try it like what and then he was like and then the next day you're gonna want to go to Vatican City leave yourself all day because there's a gelato place right out front and the line gets really long and he's like and then when you go to the ancient city you'll see where Paul was in prison the gelato place there's like wait wait stop what are you talking about what is this gelato and he was like man it's it's like ice cream but it's just different it's so much better and I was like man I've had ice cream kind of thought we'd be talking more about Michelangelo's David that's a bit more my priority than ice cream and so I tell you what I blew off his advice I just got my own little itinerary my sister and I went there and for the first several days we're seeing ancient sites absolutely amazing I love Italy it's incredible and then as we were leaving the Pantheon after visiting at one point I said you know what there's this buddy of mine that was going on and on about this ice cream or whatever I think we should go try it and so we turned the corner went to that place and I ordered the weirdest-looking one there I was like give me the rice flavored gelato and they handed it to me and I remember I put it in my mouth and instantly mourned all those wasted days in Italy I had not been ingesting this substance and I repented before God and all of Italy from my mistake and I reoriented the rest of our trip that NER would we miss a gelato space again and I remember it dawned on me man I had had ice cream I ain't even had stuff called gelato here in the States but that was something else it was made with a different ingredients so much so that when my wife and I went back and she said what's our itinerary I was like well next to the Pantheon we're gonna take a look and I just did the same thing I know the names are the same but the ingredients are so different now why do I say that because we've been talking about relationships we're talking about singleness we're talking about how to date we're talking about engagement and now we're on to marriage and it's been fascinating to me I've read so many articles about the state of marriage today so many interviews with young people and I've done so many myself and I gotta tell you what I imagine many of you already know marriage has fallen on a bit of hard times that's still the vast majority of people in America that are unmarried said they want to be married and the vast majority will get married but less will be married than ever before people are waiting longer to do it and I see a pervasive cynicism about it even recently as I read reports from people saying you know what I watch my relatives marriages I've seen every single one get divorce seen uncle's get divorced and cousins my own family I've seen the pain in it and so I don't even know if I want to be a part of that or I read a report even now and the Atlantic came out this week that said you know maybe marriage isn't even our best social institution and you see a cynicism caused a lot of pain and when I read that I understand it romance is a wonderfully powerful thing and a potentially very damaging thing and many of us have been hurt by it and many of us have been hurt by marriages that have gone wrong our parents are people around us we care about and so what I hear in the culture is people say yeah I've tried that I've seen that it's not working for me and what I hear is man I've had ice cream and I say you know what but there's a different set of ingredients and I feel like you're missing out on the real thing you got something called marriage and yet it's missing some of the key elements that make it so sweet and for me I've been married for 15 years and I tell people all the time we're the happiest we've ever been in our marriage and I can see in some people just that twinge of doubt and I want to tell them I promise you you've not had gelato like this right there's a different set of ingredients that make it better than maybe what you've experienced so far and I say that because you know we've got marriage and honestly in the in the country today as I was reading all these articles this week about people rejecting marriage they were rejecting it for reasons that I would reject - they were saying marriage is just a lie you promise someone you'll be faithful and then you end up cheating on them or marriages don't last and all that and I go you're rejecting the real because of the counterfeit you're rejecting the real because of its abuses let's not do that let's go back to the real let's go back to create an intent because marriage is not an institution created by America it's created by God that we saw that paul and ephesians will quote Genesis chapter 2 that at the very beginning of humanity God created this marriage is designed by God and if we want beautiful marriages let's look how the original author put it together because when he made it it was good and you see in Genesis as God was creating the world seven times as he was creating the foundations of our world he said it's good it's good it's good and then we get our first not good he said it's not good for that man to be alone and he wasn't technically alone God was there and there's a lot of animals but there's a big difference between watching a sunset with a woman or with a cocker spaniel and God said this this is not good like who you're meant to have community not it doesn't have to be strictly romantic but were meant to commune with one another and so God knocked Adam out and then brought forth from his rib a woman and when Adam saw her he said God made a helper suitable to him now help her always sounds like it's diminishing it's not meant to do that God is called a helper in song and if you really feel like it diminishes it helpers do what they help who needs help people who need help and so it's a merciful thing to Adam God saw this and said this this is not good this man needs help and Eve came into the picture and what had what happened when God is in the midst of a relationship Adam sees her and he breaks into song at last bone of my bone flesh of my flesh you're like me you're a complement to me is what the text says Peter called her a co-heir and the grace of life because Genesis 1 says that both male and female created in the very image of God he says at last one like me you see poetry you see beauty you see vulnerability but safety I can be completely nude before you transparent before your gaze and yet feel safe you have all of me it is good marriage the way God intended it is good it's designed by God and works well and yet many of us don't see it that way why well Genesis 3 when humanity severs the relationship with God it's not just the relationship that God that breaks everything downstream is poisoned and you see the relationship gets difficult now this man who used his power to care it says that he will rule over you there'll be a domineering relationship here that you'll see a difficulty enter into their relationship so much so that what happens often I talk to people and they talk about the brokenness and their families and they say it like it's a distancing thing from the rest of humanity well y'all don't understand my family you don't know what my parents are like you don't know what I experiences look at the very first family when there was just four humans on the planet one brother murders the other so some people think their pain and their family isolates them from the human story no the whole human story started crazy that if you came to me and said hey one of my family members murdered the other I'd say that's a terrible story but that's where all of our stories started families broke early and as soon as we suffered from God families broken in Genesis and poetic fashion follows you seven lineages down the number of perfection let's see perfectly what happens when our relationships wander from God what happens and seven generations down in those genealogies you never read a guy named lay met comes up and you see seven generations of journeying away from God what do you see leymah cause up and he says a poem to his two wives Adah and Zillah ladies tell me if this would stir your heart you meet a guy Lamech seems nice Lamech means Conqueror sounds like a go-getter so he brings you on a honeymoon and sits you down next to his other wife and recites this poem listen to me wives of Lamech oh I have killed a man for wounding me a boy for striking me if Cain is Avenged 7 times then lemak 77 times you know what's the deal with that when we're severed from God what happens to this man ego takes hold and out of his ego he says if someone even tries to wound me I'll kill him even a boy and the flower of his youth I'll murder him if he offends me and then when it comes to women no longer is a woman my co-heir now I'll take two of you and their names translated mean ornament and tinkling you think he cares about their intellectual concerns women become candy and disposable to be used by this man you see that when we break our relationships away from God every relationship breaks and women lose and men lose and so many people today say marry be marriage as a dead institution and what they're looking at is Lamech and I would say I rejected - and so does God this is not what God made the abuse that we see in a lot of our relationships no one gets wounded more than people and romantic relationships in our culture but that wounding is not the real it's ice cream there's gelato here that marriage is an institute designed by God and when we use it his way it's good that's why Paul circles around to it in this passage in Ephesians he's talking in the first three chapters there's no commands for you it's all a story of what God has done for you about how into our brokenness a healer was sent into our woundedness want to bind up our wounds into our distress a hero has come Jesus Christ to forgive rescue restore redeem bring you home and then he shows you how to walk in this life and he says don't walk his unwise but walk his wise wisdom is I understand how God made the world and I'm gonna walk that way and he says don't be drunk with wine don't be controlled by a beverage but be controlled by the very Spirit of God but the best way to live life is the way God intended filled with his spirit walking according to his word and he says if we do that will speak to one another in Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs we won't use words to hurt each other cut each other down diminish each other like some of you've experienced in your home will speak life-giving words encouraging words caring words and then as it bleeds into the family he says and we will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ wives to our husbands he says marriage is designed by God and when we use it his way we all flourish that God's give us an instruction not to diminish us but to liberate us it was designed by God and when we do it his way we win but it's not just designed by God it's meant to display something about God that's why Paul brings it up here he says the two become one flesh he says that's a mystery and by mystery he doesn't mean it's something confusing like weird isn't it he says a mystery is something that was hidden and is now revealed and he said the great mystery of Genesis is that it's not just talking about a male and a female it's talking about Jesus in his church that God is not distant up in the universe telling you good luck figure this world out that Jesus Christ the Son of God came for us and loved us like a husband loves a wife and he says so when you get married your marriage is not just designed by God it displays something about God your unity tells a bigger story then we talked about how singleness is good some of us will be single all our whole lives and that's not bad Jesus was and the Apostle Paul and God's given purpose to singleness singleness exists to pursue an undistracted devotion to the Lord I leverage singleness to be devoted to him but marriage is also good singleness is about devotion to the Lord marriage is about displaying something about the Lord that the world gets to see a picture of how Jesus the Son of God loves his church and the way husbands treat their wives that's one of the main reasons Christians gets married it's not just for the tax breaks it's because we love Jesus Christ and the way we treat each other as husband and wife shows the world the beauty of what can be and let me tell you something ancient Rome saw this for me as a church history major I was so confused by that how did a culture like Rome which was so against Christianity suddenly adopted it such massive ways to change the entire Empire how did that happen and I wanted to understand it I read all the books and most of them were garbage but there was one book that really displayed how'd it happen how do you get a Roman that had just a totally different relational dynamic then man had all the power and so women were disposable you'd marry one to be a breeder to pass on your DNA you would work with another that was your intellectual equal and then you'd have a couple side chicks that were sort of your sexual playmates and that's how men ruled in Rome how did these guys suddenly step into a Christianity we're believing in Jesus Christ would at least make you lose your job probably get you killed and then encourage you to have a monogamous marriage your whole life how would this guy sign up for that and what I found was for most of them what they saw was the Christian marriage they would see women win women are elevated they're esteemed and valued when marriage is done God's Way and it elevates men they don't act like beasts anymore they act like like sons of God children win so they would look at Christians and say your theology so backwards your book is regressive you're so strange but you're all better your lives you just you just seem to be doing better and it was the often the beauty of Christian marriage that lured people to know Jesus because marriage is designed by God to display something about God so we need to figure out how to do it right and in this passage Paul focuses in on wives and on husbands and gives them particular commands that frankly I know feel a bit controversial to be honest I thought about not teaching this passage not because I'm scared of it well maybe a little cuz I'm scared of it but also because a timing but I realize we got to talk about this but I know as we get into it as we talk to wives in verse 22 it says wives submit to your own husband's as to the Lord and for me that word submit feels like a bomb that you just set in the room and I'm like hey let me see if I can dismantle this in front of all of us before it blows out this seems fun like let's try this out it's a scary word and yet Paul looks at wives and says I want you to take your cues from the church show the world how the church responds to Jesus and he grabs this word submit and I know it's not a fun word no one in here is like what a great verb that's actually what I was planning on doing today what do you want to do today I don't know submit like nobody loves that word like I talked to I remember I did a focus group with a bunch of young single women and I said when you hear the word submit tell me some words that come to mind and I just wrote out words on the board and they were all profoundly negative and let me tell you something I don't blame any of them because most of them were thinking about being abused by domineering men that don't have their best interest in mind frankly uh they were thinking about leaming and the culture of the day and I'd say you're right but don't throw away the ideal because of its abuses let's talk about what this means because this is given from a God who's good and cares about us it's not trying to hurt you he's trying to set you free so what does he mean when he says this to women let's talk about what he doesn't mean and then let's talk about what he doesn't mean what he doesn't mean with that word submit as subjugation that one human being subjugates another or in this case men's subjugating women that's not what it means there's actually nowhere in the Bible where any human being is called to subjugate another human being the person with that power is God alone this word the verb is in the middle tense in Greek and what is the middle tense of a verb mean the middle tense means you do that verb to yourself this is a call to women that they have a choice and they freely choose to enter into this relationship with a man that works in a certain way so this isn't all women submitting to all men it doesn't work that way I've had girls tell me how do I submit to my boyfriend and my answer is you don't I don't even know what that means this is talking about a woman entering into a covenant of marriage which is a serious thing and so when I enter into that I'm taking on a different level of responsibilities with this particular person what the text will say later your own husband this isn't all men this is that guy that I'm committing to treat him in a certain way and so this isn't him domineering me and it's not servitude it's not me saying that I've become his mate it's not me saying I become less than it's not me saying that I'm second place ontological e we are equal it is always presented that way that women and men are co-heirs of the very grace of God this is not meant to diminish women at all it doesn't mean that you have to sit back and be silent it doesn't mean that women don't talk look at proverbs 31 the proverbs 31 woman is launched in small businesses buying and selling real estate she's getting stuff done so this isn't telling some woman to just go sit in the back and wait for someone to call on you that's not what's happening in this text okay that's the abuse not the good that's ice creams not gelato so what does the word mean well what it means and let me give you a very wooden way to say it submission for a wife is an inclination to receive and affirm a husband's leadership it's an inclination to receive and affirm a husband's leadership now we'll talk about what leadership means in a minute but let's just talk about that for a minute I like the word inclination because what it means is it talks about a general disposition or posture it doesn't mean that a woman can't initiate it doesn't mean well I have a good idea about how to solve this problem for my family but I'm the woman so I'm supposed to wait till he figures it out even though all of us figuring it out a few days ago let's just wait he'll get there come on baby like that's not what this is saying women present ideas make decisions all that kind of stuff but there's a general disposition that says I want to understand that when this man took on the role of husband he shouldered some responsibilities under God that God will tell him as a husband you are supposed to use that male strength to position the world in such a way where that woman wins and those kids win that men use power they have it and often in the world today they use it for selfishness and women and children lose look at the statistics and yet when a man because a husband it says you take that power and you channel it towards caring for that woman and caring for those children in a fully orbed way and if you don't I'm coming after you that's what God says that's why when he showed up in the garden he says Adam where are you what have you done that's why Peter says to the man you treat that woman right if not God does not want to hear you pray that this whole different weight is put on that man to use his power for her and you want him to feel that you want him to feel that kind of weight that under God I'm meant to treat her like she's God's daughter for me I have an expectation for a man if he's even going to make eye contact with my daughter and if he treats her wrong he's got to deal with me and I want him to be aware I love you all smiles I'm gonna assume you're a friend to start but if you go sideways I'm coming for you son he needs to feel that from the father and men are meant to feel that under God I need to use my power and my strength in a way that help this woman and these children win I need to feel that you want him to if we look at the problems of the world today I don't know any that are saying well the problem is men that are initiating too much on behalf of their family that is not the issues you see in the world today and let me tell you something most women I talked to they want a man who she ate they long for it I did this thought exercise with a group of young single women one's actually a stadium full of them I said ladies just put him in a dating context what guy would you rather go on a date with a guy that says hey do you want to go out and you say yes you get in his car when you get in the car he goes so what do you want to do or do you wanna have the guy that when you get in the car he goes okay I did some research wasn't sure what you're in the mood for so I was looking at a bunch of different restaurants I found this awesome little seafood place right along the coast I figure we can eat there's got big windows then we could walk along the waterfront I thought that'd be cool or if you're not feeling that there's also this little Italian place that's kind of tucked into the city it's got this little garden patio and we could just kind of have a more intimate vibe like that so I wouldn't show what you're feeling so I narrowed it down what do you feel it seafood Italian where you at ladies which guy would you rather go on a date with the initiator or captain or you won't do when I presented this to a roomful of women no one cheered for this man this guy got a standing ovation and nobody was like two restaurants you shouldn't oppress me try to hold me back and try to limit me no they appreciated the initiation and gladly received it and affirmed it and that's what you want you want to see a guy that's that's initiating on behalf of you're good and when he does it affirm that affirmative posture where you go he's called to do that and when he does it I want to celebrate it so much of the pain in this world today is from the passivity of men and let me tell you something a lot of you feel that you would have loved as a little girl for your dad to come up to you and say get in the car baby let's go I got some errands to run your ride with me today some of you your deepest wounding is a man is that your dad never initiated a conversation where he said boy let me tell you what I really think about you he said I love you and I'm by your side and I care about you and I see beautiful things that God's put in you and I want help you win in life you long for that statement and he's gone down many broken roads looking to fill that void you long for the initiation of a man it's hurt you when he didn't and so when a guy is gonna do it receive it affirm it because what's celebrated is repeated so when you see him take his first fumbling steps towards spiritual initiation maybe we should go to church affirm it don't be like well it's about time you finally figured that out don't don't do it cuz let me let you in on a secret most men I talk to or afraid of lead because leading scary if you say let's go and turn around and no one's following you it's a little embarrassing there's a vulnerability to leading and so when a guy makes the decision to initiate affirm that as much as you can celebrate what you can celebrate now let me say this as I talk about that I know a lot of women hear this and they get fearful cuz you go well if this is what's gonna happen do I lose freedoms he's gonna hurt me he's gonna take me away I don't want to go I'm scared of marriage because it's gonna ruin my life most people this all idea of a man leading terrifies me because you think he's gonna micromanage me or he's gonna crush my dreams and let me tell you something that's not leadership micromanagement crushing your dreams is called bad leadership don't marry that guy that's why you you marry so important don't work for that boss if you have a good leader you celebrate I remember for me when I my first job out of college was the first idea I just thought crossed my mind there might be a man that has some authority in my life and I hated it I've realized I have an issue with Authority like I took a test recently and it just kind of had a spectrum of human beings and on one end of the spectrum was man I take instruction well and the other end is I hated it cause his bile to rise in my throat like don't you tell me what to do and I was over here like I was like wow in a class all my own I'm like that's really fascinating how much I resist the thought of you telling me what to do but I showed up at this job and I'll tell you the way this pastor led me I was in charge of the East Ministry and anytime we had a meeting he would say hey Ben what do you need he said what do you think about doing what do you wanna do what do you wanna see happen with these kids how can I help you and I realized after a while he was studying me to see what my gifts were and then trying to think about how to set me up to use him and make him better and then he was studying me to figure out what my vision was and trying to figure out how to access whatever resources we had to make it happen and there was some guiding to it but I never felt restricted I actually felt liberated I got to be more mean not less because of him and I was glad to have him and that's what this is talking about we'll get to the guy in a second but you need to go hey you know what God has positioned him in a place where he's gonna initiate and I want to respond in a way that affirms him but I say when I see him taking those first steps I say okay I celebrate that that's awesome let's do that you want to do an eighth night yeah because here's the motivation in Ephesians 5:22 it says wives submit to your own husband's as to the Lord and you can what is as to the Lord mean it means motivation there now a function of my spirituality is how I treat that man that it's not just why worship God over here and then I deal with this guy over here like no God will be worshiped by the way I treat this guy those are now intertwined so it's motivation and also comparison it says the husband's the head of the wife as Christ the head of the church's body as the church submits to Christ so also why should submit in everything to their husbands and that freaks people out too they're like in everything what if he wants me to do something illegal yes there are caveats to that if your husband's like let's start a cartel the answer's no don't do it because his leadership is always subject to God's leadership right and so no don't follow him into sin but what this saying is is it's trying to take this in and show you the weight of marriage marriage is not a trifling thing and here's the thing whether you agree with any of this or not when you bind yourself to someone romantically they have extraordinary power in your life even if you're just living together they impact your sense of self your sense of value your sense of Worth your financial decisions your future so much enormous powers being handed that person whether you're doing it consciously or unconsciously what the Bible is saying here is when you enter into a covenant make sure it's a guy who's taken his cues from your King and then when you knit together with him your pursuit of the Lord is now lockstep with that man so choose well get a good man then as a standard of morality outside of you that wants to treat you well because he fears the Lord and when you get a guy like that let him know you believe in him let him know you trust him let him know when he does something great you're gonna affirm that don't shame him in front of other people but celebrate him build him up because he needs that now let's switch to the men shall we okay good 41 words are used to instruct the wife a hundred and sixteen for the man because he needs help so let's go verse 25 Paul instructs husbands to love your wives that word loves the word agape and Greek it's not the word storge like a buddy it's not phileo it's like friendship it's not eros like erotic love it's talking about a different kind of love that can be translated variously in other places but the idea it carries most often in the Bible is covenant or love not just an emotional feeling and certainly not just an erotic one it is a binding together of I promise to love you in sickness and health till death do us part you commit to that woman you love her what does that love look like Paul qualifies it he says as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her so the man loves his wife the way Christ loved the church what did Christ love for the church look like he qualifies that and gave himself up for her that gave himself up that is not in the present tense that is not continuous action that is in the Erised tense what does that mean it sort of cues that it was a one-time moment what was the moment where Christ gave himself up for us it was that moment on the cross where he said what is my bride the church need to win then I will provide it they need redemption I will redeem them they need forgiveness I'm bringing it they need to be raised up into the fullness of sons and daughters of God I will bring myself low to raise them high you see Jesus and nish eight and sacrifice so his bride can be fully who she's meant to be under god that's what a man does and let me say this I know when we talk about the woman's role I can feel the tension building because like okay I'm gonna submit to the sky I'm in affirm his leadership but he could abuse it he could damage it let me tell you something this whole structure only works if both people play their part it's like tennis if one person decides not to play it's not much of a game you get fined for that you need both people to play so she's called to receive and affirm his leadership what's he called to do initiate and sacrifice so she can be fully who she's meant to be under God that's what Jesus did he came for us when we were at our worst he initiated he did not wait he didn't say well let me let him clean themselves up a little bit and I'll give him a little ladder they can work their way back to me that's not what he did while we were sinners Christ died for us while we were enemies he came for us he didn't wait it for us to clean ourselves up he didn't wait until we checked our attitude he didn't wait for us to pretty up he saw us at our worst and came running he saw us when we were hurt and he came moving with healing he saw us when we were broken and he came to make us whole he saw us when we were frankly rude and he came with kindness and then he sacrificed no home no clothes no esteem sweat drops of blood and then poured out his blood till he died why what was the point that he might sanctify us having cleansed us by the washing of the water with the word so he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and blameless he initiated he moved towards us and he sacrificed down to his very life to do what to protect us if sin is gonna bring condemnation I will take that condemnation if my failures bringing judgment I will take that judgment he said I will protect them from the ravages of sin and then I will provide for them whatever they need that's the next part in the same way husband should love their wives as their own bodies he who loves his wife loves self-sow no one ever hated his own flesh but he nurses it cherishes it just as Christ does the church cuz we're members of our body he looked at us was like what do they need they need forgiveness I'm bringing it they need hope I got it they need joy I'm putting the very Spirit of God inside of them now fruit of that Spirit is joy they need love I am bringing the fullness of it because I am love whatever we needed he provided he initiated and sacrificed so he could protect and provide so we could be presented before him in splendor fully who were meant to be under God that's what a man does he initiates any sacrifices so his wife can be fully who she's meant to be under God and let me tell you something ladies you meet a guy like that suddenly receiving and affirming that guy gets way easier that you know that he will sell his body for me to be fully who I meant to be under God I can trust him I can trust him that's what a man does this is godly stuff Genesis chapter one we've talked about this before when it was chaos darkness and void God in the first three days built structure right ciarán land the teleological support structures and then the next three days he filled that structure with life he builds form for the sake of fullness structure for the sake of flourishing of all living things and then he created us and he told the man cultivate you take these raw materials that I've given you and position them in such a way that the world flourishes and that's what a husband does I have a limited amount of money resources time energy and Michael under God is to initiate and sacrifice to create an environment that protects and provides for my family so they can flourish under God that's what a man does I initiate and sacrifice to create an environment where my wife can flourish under God and some men I want to challenge you to do that initiate initiate romance I remember hearing pastors say that you got to date your wife and I was always like duh like of course I'm gonna date my wife we're gonna go out have some fun it'll be great yeah we'll go on dates oh my gosh I know these romantic images in my mind and then you get man and you go to work and work is hard and the world is mean and it is cruel and you go home and sit on the couch and then she says how was your day exhausting you turn on cable comfort me wash it all away and just sort of watch TV and what happens after a while the two of you just become roommates and then what happens I talked to guys all the time that are contemplating divorce and what do they say man our love just kind of I don't know it just kind of petered out it just kind of faded I'll say man love is like a fire fires fade because you don't stoke the flames you didn't fall out of love you fell out of triumph you're supposed to stock that flame and smoke it that's your job initiate initiate romance plan a date night hey what are you doing Thursday let's write it down I'm taking you out and then go and pick a restaurant that's not ringed with TVs so you can listen with your face about what's going on in her life and take interest in it and care initiate romance initiate vacations take the lead on that don't wait for her to start Jesus went first and so do we initiate communication I remember I had a professor say that he said gentlemen when you get married let me give you two pieces of advice he said number one keep the flowers fresh and we were like what does that mean it's not like a metaphor and he was like no I mean once a week order flowers have them come to the house set him up in various places I tried that I'm not good at picking flowers it's bad advice I don't do it anymore but the second piece of advice was very good the second piece of advice he said never go to bed if you're in a fight with your girl he said it may lead to some sleepless nights but it'll lead to peaceful days man get that right he said do you know how to know pray together before you go to bed because it's hard to pray together if there's something bothering you when you hold hands it'll just come out lord I just thank you for this day and I just pray you would convict them of their sin smite of God smite them okay you know maybe we have something to talk about okay feel like there's something going on here and and we got to talk and he said initiate that don't wait for her don't sit back and make I beg you to open up communicate let her know your heart initiate that communication initiate spiritual leadership don't make her drag you to church don't make her drag you to initiate raising the kids spiritually it's not called babysitting if you're their dad and some of you hear that and go okay but you talk to guys all time like yeah I got a babysit the kids it's not it's not babysitting when they're your children but I'll tell you there's something about it in men and I think it's what the enemy does this wants to pull us back into our own world and it's a discipline sometimes to go you know what I want to be the kind of man Jesus was I do want to do that but it takes often a volitional decision I will go and read that book with my kids I will go and sit down with my wife and say how was your day I will initiate and it will sometimes because I think of the culture feel awkward but then when you step into it you go this is what it feels like to be a husband to be one that I'm meant to be initiate and then sacrifice look at what you have control over and say how do i position it so that my wife and my children win that's what a man does I counsel young men when they're getting married I said here's what you're gonna be tempted to do I said there's gonna be things that you like and as you begin to budget as a family you will call them needs there will be things that she wants and you will call them once I said just watch it as y'all are budgeting as a family she'll say oh my gosh I really want to go on a vacation with my friends we got this I mean you'll go you know baby as we're budgeting under the Lord the firstfruits of course go to him and the rest I really think we should be responsible and your kind of selfishness of your building your friendships maybe that should make it in the budget this year but then meanwhile you buy a big-screen TV cuz you're like cuz there's a new one and it's huge and I can watch the whole game the guys are life-sized I need to see all of them and it's suddenly in need you know what bro don't do that don't bend the budget towards your preferences and leave hers out you sacrifice so she wins that doesn't mean you become her slave to her whims but it does mean you become a stood of what would make her most fully alive in God and do that I realized for me I don't have to be great with all women I don't I have to be nice right but I don't have to know the ins and outs of all women someone a husband has to do I have to be the husband of one wife that one and I gotta study her what makes done of fully alive under God and I got to work on that kind of stuff and it takes time to discover I remember for me when we first got married a lot of understanding about husbandry and how it worked and I thought husbands build furniture so a man does and I remember as we got like furniture from Ikea I hate building stuff so I was like okay here it goes be a husband and I sat down there with little instructions of the faceless guy and little baggies and stuff and I'm in the middle of this and I hate it it's punishment and as I'm doing it and evitable with each piece of furniture Donna would be in the other room going how's it going in there I'm like fine it's fine doing husband stuff and she would just kind of sort of start to circle she'd pick up the instructions and look at him what are you doing she kind of begin to sift through the bags and take things out of my hands scooch me over and I got offended what do you think I'm not a man see I can't provide and then I became a student of us and I realized two free hours two hours do whatever you want what's been gonna do easy read a book don't even have to think about it give me two free hours reading a book you give ghana donna two free hours what does she do something with her hands she builds stuff she paints she writes music she sculpts she we were on vacation this last weekend we were out there and on the back patio they had these chairs and she was like hey what if we redid these chairs let's spray paint him and redo some stuff and do that and she's like oh come on let's go to Home Depot and they went to Home Depot and then fix these chairs I would never do that it never crossed my mind ever if someone's chair I sit in it and it snaps I go it's time for new chairs bro and never like what if we fix this I've never said let's go to Home Depot doesn't cross my mind but in the past town we lived in we would go and they all knew Donna by name they're like what's up Donna in 3/4 inch and they're like oh are you a husband I'm like yeah I am and I do a lot of things you don't know anything about man and I realized she likes to build stuff and so I spend money on things I never thought I would so the next birthday I just bought would just a ton of wood she was in heaven she built a picnic bench from scratch and she's out there like loving it I'm like that's great awesome because I don't want to do that and don't have to and everybody wins but what am i doing I'm dedicating money to that dedicating time for it she does a lot raising the kids so I'm trying to think of times where hey let me take him and you go and we look out for each other in that way how do we set each other up to win that I want to initiate and I want to sacrifice so you can flourish under God not to hold you back I'm just I for you that's not what the husband doesn't it's not good leadership my husband says how did God build you and I'm not gonna be the servant to every need but I am gonna try to position the resources we have so that you win undergone so that when he sees his daughter he sees her and all her splendor without stain without blemish so that's what I want to do and when the world sees a man should a woman like that they marvel ancient Rome did not believe in Jesus but how did Rome change they saw the beauty often in Christian marriages and they say you know what what you believe is backwards it's regressive that's weird but it's better it just is better and it truly is Wayne Grudem literally wrote the book on Biblical manhood and womanhood entitled biblical manhood and womanhood was a seminary professor on the East Coast went and spoke at an event in Arizona when he got there he watched his wife's health improved the dry air helped a lot of her physical ailments so what did he do quit his job moved to a much less distinguished Seminary in Phoenix why because you initiate and sacrifice so she flourishes under God that's what biblical manhood and womanhood looks like and as a husband initiates sacrifices and a woman responds and affirms the world gets to see the beauty of how Jesus loves his church and let me tell you ladies it's easy to follow a guy like that and guys it's pretty awesome to be a man like that world war ii 101st Airborne Division was charged with liberating the city of Foy I remember reading the book Band of Brothers made a TV show about it about that very moment and in that moment lieutenant Speirs was in charge of these men spears as he's presented in the book and in the show was there cuz he was just kind of out for himself I'm just trying to get the level of advancement I want from my own career and get out and do as little as possible and so he was looking to just kind of ride take it easy coast out until he could leave had no intention of fighting on the front lines and then they got called up one hundred and first to take Foy he was called to lead that moment they had to cross an open field very dangerous thing to do so the trick there is you keep moving until you get into the city and can get solid cover and then go house to house and eliminate threats as he ran out into the field and the shots began to fire he and fear called all the men to hunker down made them stop in the most dangerous and vulnerable place there colonel Winters who had been their lieutenant is watching this happen and as a good leader it infuriates him your selfishness is jeopardizing these people and he did what any leader would do he prepared to run out there but his co told him no you need to see the whole battlefield and make commands from here so he filled his position and he looked at a different lieutenant lieutenant excuse me spears it was Dyke who was out there he looked at lieutenant Speirs and said relieve lieutenant dike and Spears the hesitation charged that into that field through enemy fire relieve dike circled with his men and said what's going on and they said were pinned down here and our other men are over there we've been cut off with the enemy between us and our comms are down we can't communicate to them we're too advanced and he said well then wait here and he stood up and sprinted into enemy lines and they said it was so crazy the enemy didn't fire him it at first they just kind of marveled at the sky who would just run at them throwing he is running right at us and then he jumped the barricades and ran through them and they're like and he is just going right on by and he connected with his men on the other side communicated key information and then they said he was the crazy thing then he got up and ran back through enemy lines like leaping dudes and back to his guys in jeopardy said at that point they took it personal started shooting at him not just their weapons in their hands they started shooting eighty-eights Adam that's anti-tank machinery and they said that was impressive they were after this guy and he just ran to come get us and delete us where we needed to be to be safe and then to accomplish our mission and they said we gladly follow that man who risked his life for us to secure us and to lead us on whatever mission we've been called to accomplish and let me tell you something that's what a good husband does and that's what Jesus has done Jesus ran into the chaos of our brokenness and the world's a broken place so much of lay mecca's in us and yet Jesus didn't stand far off he came running into the field he initiated and then he sacrificed didn't just risk his life he gave his life every drop of blood that he who knew no sin became sin so that we might be right with God then our failure lands on him his forgiveness lands on us our wounds land on him his healing comes to us he takes on our identity as broken humanity and we get to become sons and daughters of the king he sacrificed so we could flourish and is a joy to follow a hero like that and so before you get a relationship with any guy or a girl right get a relationship with this God right a God who's not trying to oppress you a God who's not holding you back but a God who is charging in to set you free it's a joy to follow with Jesus like that with the freedom of our singleness devoted to him and with our marriages displaying him and when the world sees the love of a God like this they will come it happened in the past and it will happen again and I think cities will change and countries will change when they see the family of God live his way we flourish under his leadership praise God for a hero like him you

Channel: Passion City Church DC

Views: 76,437

Rating: 4.9415898 out of 5

Keywords: louie giglio, passion city church, washington dc, ben stuart, marriage, how to get married, best marriage

Id: Q8dJEPn4ufI

Length: 49min 19sec (2959 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 10 2019