So, how often do you wonder, "Haha, oh jeez" "I sure wish there was an ethically grey, slightly more affordable yet identical version of a specific piece of physical matter I'm into for me!"
Well, color yourself one lucky bastard, 'cause if I've got the th- OH MY GOD-- FNaF merch! We've all been greeted by the pungent aroma of various sweatshops at one point or another through a mutual love of this stupid little franchise. Just ask me! I would know. NECA, Sanshee, Funko, McFarlane, these are all perfectly competent example players in the pop culture media franchise merchandising market. All of which I've praised in the past of varying degrees. And all very capable of producing, and having previously produced, some wicked cool memorabilia worth throwing a buck or two at- I said they're CAPABLE! And surely after a brief couple years of hardly touching the stuff, That it'd be worth slunking back over to the old GameStop mines on the hunt for any fresh and funky hunks of vinyl to gawk at this time! Funko recolored their own black lights again. Okay, sod this, new idea. Bootlegs! Yeah, when you get what you paid for and less so Doubling as the easiest visual pun to make in the universe and everybody's favorite method of gambling! I own three goddamn Springtraps! You wanna guess which one's the real deal? That's right! The secret off-camera fourth one which proves that, really, gambling works. Don't do the math. But hey! I'm getting ahead of ourselves 'Cause as much as I love intentionally buying four of the same goddamn plush, definitely intentionally It's not like Five Nights at Freddy's is at all unique in the fact that a bootleg market exists for it, Just incredibly infamous for it. Bootleg merchandise, while yes, for the common consumer who maybe can't afford, or, hell, Even source official offerings, it's a budget option, if an illicit one. And as long as you're... vaguely aware of what you're buying and you ain't too fussed over the quality, there's not a thing wrong with that! Only with the cock-twizzlers that advertise them like they're anything close to legitimate. And thus, with that in mind, I want to take a peek into the world of this garbage, question mark? 'Cause, hey, with such a vast array of completely unrestricted designers and manufacturers Can all of it really be that much worse than our tried and true "licensed" counterpart merchandise? The litmus test starting five seconds ago! This one's fake as shit, LOL! The blatant copies! You and I both know there's more to bootleg merchandise of any intellectual property than the imitators, But on the other hand, making fun of it is, uh... Extremely funny, so let's do it anyway. Making up the most popular form of physical commercialism to get your grubby little grabbers on It's largely FNaF's various dominating plushie lines that get the old piracy treatment most frequently. The black market's ripe and boy, is the fruit suspicious and untraceable! Heck yeah! Log on to Amazon.com, they'll have whatever freshly rehashed AR skin / generic stuffy recolor Funko's been spitting out as of late as a legitimate listing at a quick glance, But it does not take long to find the fishy little flesh chunks in the bucket of waste that is this franchise's "stuff," eh heh- offerings! Look, a dark web listing! And given Funko's thread of wares and how... they are, it is stupid easy, Hell, sometimes practically impossible to tell FNaF's bootleg plushies apart from the real deal! Case in point: the four Springtraps I intentionally bought on purpose for fun. You remember, right? And especially given the point that many bootlegs try hiding under the guise of official product photos anyway-- Yeah, it's like my favorite kind of gaslighting! Second favorite. And eBay's not a whole lot better... B-b-but at least i can kind of assume that by default, it's eBay! "Consumer rights stemming from EU consumer protection law do not apply," Yeah, I feel good about my purchase, add to cart! And if that's the state of the couple of the more reputable e-commerce sites on the net... [Gulps] AliExpress and wish.com, welcome to hell! Yeah! You know, those garbage, unreliable drop ship sites Selling knockoff products by the dozen for pennies that shouldn't exist but do, Just to host bootleg FNaF merch to piss me off specifically? And punching either one into the search bar- Ewww, my screen feels sticky, yeah we're getting real hot! I mean, hey, at least anywhere else has the decency to give you a fighting chance at having the thing you order actually arrive at your home address, It's like these don't even try to hide it! It's wall to wall piracy slime over here, Which sucks for the general public but works out pretty great for my purposes, so-- Yeah, I'd ask where to even begin with all this, But, hey, appropiately following FNaF's paranormal motif into the world of black market matter, here's a couple skin-walkers! And uncomfortably humanoid at that, They didn't even try to translate these bitches' designs to make 'em more appealing here! Possibly ripping off Funko's more realistically proportioned design, too, But honestly, these might just be unique enough to be their own flavor of hell-spawn! Yeah, I'm impressed! That's something you'll see occasionally, Minor inconsistencies across an otherwise kind of standardized original bootleg design. For better- for worse. It's just for worse! Otherwise, it's plagiarism city, baby! Here's Funko's Twisted animatronics on an exclusive diet of broken glass and five consecutive car accidents materialized! Twice, apparently, but these guys cost double the integrity! [Wistfully] Maybe they're full of double the car parts. Oh, hey! A Fredbear plushie trio! These dudes... ain't too bad, actually? Wait, I've seen these before- yep! Uh huh. Well, what can I say? It's not a piece of FNaF merch without a little fan art theft! Or hey, that something less crazy problematic you're after- I know, these are pretty crazy-- Here's some random bastard's take on the classic Freddy's Quartet. Bonnie, Freddy, Foxy, and featuring Chica's iconic... Cupcake! Also her god damn eye whites are leaking. [Disgusted groan] It's okay guys, it's just a Hex plush prototype-- But, alright. If it's something else from the newer entries you're splashing out for? [Opens water bottle, drinking water] Here's this stupid asshole. [Mournfully] He was never the same after 202 grams. Here's a pretty normal looking Glamrock Freddy-- [Sound of balloon being inflated] [Sound of balloon deflating] --dy so anyway, yeah! Here's a Glamrock Freddy that looks so goddamn stupid somebody made him into a Left 4 Dead 2 mod. And hey, bootleg Happy Frog, too! But, is it, though? That aside, we're only scratching the surface of the current state of affairs here, If you wanna get a little hash tag retro: Here's an infamous line of FNaF 1 and 2 animatronic plushies from almost a decade ago! In which they share the cute motif of perpetually screaming to be euthanized as soon as possible, Which I'll admit is a pretty source-accurate design element if you think about it. Infamous to the point of which they were probably, literally, officially referenced in Pizzeria Simulator! Which I guess makes owning them slightly less illegal now. And speaking of segues, here's an interesting situation... [Distant reverberated fart] Two distinct sites, both specifically dedicated to selling bootleg FNaF plushies... And they're good? Just to be totally clear, none of this shit is licensed, Half of these are stolen designs, and for the record, these two anonymous omnipresent entities are literally copying each other, But it's at least intriguing seeing so many pieces of long sought after FNaF merch to get their own presented in a somewhat official feeling capacity, right? I mean, hell, alongside some cute packaging that definitely ain't ripping off the Youtooz logo We've got some decent looking adaptations of Sun and Moon, Yeah, I know. Finally, right? A stylized Phantom Freddy, Shadow Bonnie, Nightmare, Withered animatronics, hello?! On the other hand, do I trust them? Uh, Hell no. See, skin-walker! And while there are original designs featured here, Like Mr. Freddy...? Yeah, they white-washed a bear. And even if third-parties are offering merchandise that this stupid, sodding company refuses to manufacture, ever, Purely on the basis that these aren't licensed and that there's clearly some malpractice at play here, I can't advocate for picking any of this up, I can advocate for two other completely unrelated things! What, you wanna hear 'em, stupid? A: Hex brand's wicked upcoming official Withered animatronic plushies, uh, yeah? Hello, hello? And B: I can advocate for beating Funko over the head with a telephone pole 'til they get the message! Y'know, 'cause then they'll wither away just like the cheap horror game merchandise you want them to make. But these dudes are far from the only ones doing this, With tons of even crappier off-license storefronts-- [Hock, spits] ...Like this existing! But otherwise, that's the general state of things as far as plushies go. Some surprising good, some expected bad, and some real butt-ugly outliers in a trillion acres of vaguely underwhelming Funko impostors-- I mean Sanshee- I mean Funko- I-- [Spluttering] Listen, man! Despite Sanshee's staying power, Youtooz's ability to provide, and Funko's general dominance in the market, There do exist other officially approved brands that more or less stay true to the base Funko design, kinda. So, yeah! Official in seventeen goddamn quotation marks-- But some of those crappy, arcade prize quality looking-ass plushies you see are legitimate players, As hard to distinguish against actual bootlegs as they might be. Especially with most plushies... ever... Generally including varying quality discrepancies at the best of times, Brands like GoodStuff cornering that more affordable licensed offering's mark-- Oh, wait- w- wait. That one's a bootleg-- Wait- are- are any of these real?! [Stuttering] I can tell the difference, I swear to God! But I'd be standing next to an exact replica of myself right now if I couldn't. [Creak] AH! Close, there is... way more to gawk at than just plushies, here. An unregulated market is an infinitely expanding one! You know, like the universe. Like, no way! The Sanshee security badge is a necklace?! Now I don't have to plunge it into my collarbone every time I want to wear it! WIN! But, as far as Funko, Sanshee, and GoodStuff stuffies go, These dudes are plagiarized all the same for dirt cheap. Though... [Stuttering] yeah, on drop ship sites like these? This shit gets so stupidly under priced I feel like you... Sort of deserve whatever you end up with. Not me, though! Do I look irresponsible to you? Like, bitch, if you pay 2.48 for the endoskeleton nugget and it arrived in a cloud of asbestos, Uh, sorry, not sorry, death to you! But, hey, if we really want to talk hazardous... Fans of processed oil, you're gonna love this. Bootleg FNaF action figures! How do I put this delicately... yeah that works. If bootleg plushies are the results of decades of unregulated inbreeding by Sanshee and Funko, Then these figures are the hysteric, hellish remains of said plushies banished to the underworld! Now, usually I wouldn't be so literal but- [Forced laughter] Funko's own exclusive 5-inch Five Nights at Freddy's articulated action figure line! I've dug my hills and have defended my sense that these crazy little bastards ain't perfect, But that there's ways to improve, and I think I finally know how to do it..! You want a free heart attack? Yeah, discounting the ominously accurate bootleg replica figures floating around these days, The most common Funko imitators feature... A functionality for sure, but to be fair, it's that or dismemberment. I mean, if we wanna get game accurate with our interactive features, At least the official junk doubles as both a nod to Mangle's pull apart and put back together attraction concept, [Choking]
In addition to acting as a choking hazard! Animatronics that really pose a health risk? Yeah! Now we're talkin'! Interactive features, yeah, get outta here, chest lights! At least Funko has the cadmium-laced balls to actually kill you! Chest lights, what am I gonna do, flash my enemy to death? W- well-- There's tons of these figures out there, Less so over on plushie central and crap drop shipping sites, they're more an Amazon and eBay type waste of money, Otherwise, they're pretty underwhelming hunks of bootleg... Depending on your manufacturer of choice. Yeah! There's the die hard Funko imitators, posable figures, mystery minis, yeah, you name it. Then there's the weird shit. I mean, yeah, you got your basics: Mediocre action figure adaptations Funko ain't yet tackled themselves for example, But standard Funko figure ripoffs are weak sauce up against... These FNaF figure ripoffs, these ones are worse! You can tell by the way they are. The little Adventure bastards from FNaF World, now in all shades of inaccurate, And featuring fan-artist Rebornica's Purple Guy and Mike designs..! You know, from FNaF World? This game gets a surprising amount of attention in FNaF's bootleg scene, Is it due to the simplistic, appealing, easy to manufacture designs it features...? No! That's why they definitely don't sell these babies in twelve unarticulated piece batches for twenty bones on Amazon! Sold as cake toppers, too! 'Cause, yeah, the first thing I'm doing with any mysteriously sourced PVC is putting it anywhere near my goddamn food! But hey, if you're not breakneck psychotic over FNaF World, Uh, cheap bootleg FNaF figures? Not ripping off Funko? Hahaha, yeah, don't mind if I do-- Oh. FNaF-themed Minecraft sets! Featuring, er, mixeling, so bootleg or not, Ahaha, these are already disgusting..! I- I dunno, I mean, this Puppet don't look too bad? Minecraft being as popular as it is, uh, yeah, while they aren't the most... dominant subsection of FNaF bootlegs, They're a plague enough as it is! At least I can kinda understand the existence of these to an extent, Minecraft's all about creativity; playing with and designing your own skins, I'm sorry it was whoever developed these though! Look, a neck! Ew. Half of the assets of these things come with aren't even colored right half the time, I'd- [Stammering] I'd rather stick a couple Legos together and call it a day- Oh, would you look at that. [Strained] Yeah! Lego FNaF bootlegs! Wow! As a resident McFarlane set owner I can attest to the fact that honestly...? Yeah, fake FNaF Lego is so much worse, oh my God. There's actually a surprising rollercoaster in craftsmanship here, though, Mega-garbage occupying a hefty 99% of this shit of course, But there do exist some wildly accurate custom mini-figure molds here... But even then there's a real feeling of cheapness to it all. At least visually, the material especially? It's like my reflection's really there! I don't know, I still way prefer our licensed counterpart's sets, at least as far as McFarlane's mini-figures go. There's a real specific vibe to 'em that really carries over from the other games' series atmosphere I feel, With these knockoffs adhering strictly to the idea of just making cheap Lego versions of each animatronic verbatim, McFarlane setting out to produce actual better adaptations, With texture, and actual dimension to 'em each to boot. With a clear amount of care put in to giving them a sense of functionality, removable masks and all. Also, hey, more inbreeding. More of that, please. Speaking of McFarlane, though, not unlike the world of legal trade, A select few bootleg FNaF figure, quote unquote, brands do exist. One in particular I can't seem to get the sodding hell away from being Midnight Mystery Warriors! Whaddya mean "word vomit" it's FNaF-related! Midnight? Each game kicks off at 12AM. Mystery? Uh, FNaF's got plenty! Warrior? Uh, yeah, little known fact, Night 2 onwards Mike Schmidt's packing, wouldn't you?! So, among their other cadmium-laced ventures, I keep coming across these gross-looking Funko Pop imitations they like to spit out and boy, are they real disgusting! Look! A mystery mini Nightmare Bonnie head with a purple Funko Pop Springtrap torso. Just what I always wanted! "Popipo, Happy!" Is that what that expression is? Mismatched body parts, crappy paint jobs, inconsistent and straight up misleading box art? They don't even try with these half these molds! Skin-walkers? Hey, again- what...? No, for real, these things haunt me! I mean, I don't know, they're objectively fine, they're just... J- Jesus, Pops don't look like that, they're weird! Put 'em back! [Squeak] There we go. [Dejectedly] Can we go back to plushies? Half the labels on these things can't even pronounce the names of these dudes right, if they get 'em right. Funtime Fox...sde, you wanna try that again? Oh yeah, and naturally complete with Springtrap's torso again, 'cause you needed that, you bitch! Anyway, as much as these ain't it... it don't matter 'cause they've never lived up to peak anyway. While it's hard to properly fact-check for obvious reasons, These guys are behind a large majority of those crappy, knockoff action figures You can tell by the way their... name is on the packaging. An anomaly in the FNaF bootleg world for sure; establishing a brand of sorts, But it's not like they even stick with a consistent font. Brand identification's for chumps! W- wait, hey, didn't we see these mofos before? With the.. [Stuttering] yeah, with the Funko figures. Oh. Haha. Let me clear up a misconception. [Scoffs] Duh. The light up figures I talked about aren't the real FNaF action figures, they're bootlegs...! ...of another set of higher quality toxic Mexican bootlegs! You guys into sniffing lead...? Yeah, I wasn't kidding. Tasty, right?! Time for this rabbit hole to become a goddamn subway network, These goddamn cryptid effigies! Nobody knows shit about where these figures come from, who makes them, Whose soul gets ripped from the deep, gurgling pits of Hell and manifested in the legendary off-grid factories of Mexico to spawn God's own rejects into the material plane, But they look kind of funky. Uh, forget the fact that these are aimed at kids... No, I'm kidding, remember the shit out of that fact--
THESE ARE AIMED AT KIDS?! Toxic? Nightmare? Perfect for my unaccompanied 6-year-old, don't poison yourself too much! Lookin' like the end result of official FNaF merchandise dumped in a wood-chipper, reportedly stinking real bad, Coated in slime, and inspiring decay across the nation, These abominations are the absolute cream of the crop when it comes to FNaF bootlegs. Could you tell? I value my track record of having yet to experience lead poisoning, So, do excuse me for not burning my hard-earned cash on any of these guys in person, But, aw, gee whiz, can I get an appropriately horrified "what the shit." Pour a cream soda out for the bastards that had to sit down and design these, 99% of them are straight up "Twisted blank," not Blank as in the fan-game character, Though, that does exist 'cause of course it does. W- wh- what, wait, what the f-- Yeah, "Twisted."
2017 The Twisted Ones' Twisted animatronics exist. Real popular, Funko never made articulated figures of 'em, Chaos ensues in the black market. So, like most things in life, yeah, I consider this a result of criminal neglect on Funko's part. But of course, stopping at canon designs is too much to ask from these people, Which is why so many toxic Mexican bootleg-flaired Nightmare / Withered / Twisted variants exist of completely original, remixed, or straight up stolen animatronic designs in bootleg figure form, And how the piss do I begin describing these things? Here's a cleaver-wielding Nightmare Pigpatch, Or a Nightmare... Nightmare with a barbed wire baseball bat appropriate for the amount of blunt-force trauma I feel like I'm getting right now. Yeah, completely off the rails for no reason, and I can't help but just feel like a deer in headlights whenever one of these things appears on my monitor, Like, look! Nightmare Homer! Sleep paralysis! Or, hey, here's Twisted Bonnie with a lobster claw, Or, octopus Chica? 'Cause you know, really, who gives a shit? Uh, trivia alert! Apparently for this type of bootleg specifically, at the center of it all, According to a random-ass YouTube comment I want to clarify, It's a real competitive scene out there? I mean, I assume that's the case for most sectors of bootleg, But come on, read the room, I'm handling radioactive waste here. Which would explain the sheer volume of variants you'll find of each figure, But, hey, at least they're consistent in how insanely unsightly all of them are, LOL! But there's not, like, a... brand name attached to distinguish any of them, Nobody knows who makes 'em, but even when they don't feature themselves as twisted amalgamations, Don't worry! You know when you see one. They all have this... real specific build quality to them, obviously with cheaper materials, But there's a real grittiness and sense of volume to the way they all look, With so much added intentional... I don't wanna say polish... but polish, I guess? Like, yeah, they look like nightmare, but despite the notoriety, I can't help but admire the fact that there is, admittedly, a level of care put into them, kinda? They are hand-crafted by artisans after all, and it says that on eBay so it's gotta be true, So a genuine underlying level of quality here does make sense, But flip my dick if that don't make the fact that somebody sat their ass down and slaved away at that 9 to 5 to produce this demon spawn any less insane! Ahahaha, but some of them are okay. Like... [Stuttering] I dunno, I mean, this Purple Guy figure don't look too bad. Which makes sense, 'cause it was stolen, so just like me at the grocery store, that checks out. [Beep] Why do these ones look okay? Why do these ones look okay?! How are these more source-accurate than Funko?! Can we get a collective "Scott, hire this man." And there is no shortage of any of this, Again, with really no official guidelines to follow, these dudes have free reign to pull apart source material and stick it back together all they like. Like taffy! That's been melted down, thrown in a sewer and spat on a little, But almost looks like the real thing, if you- if you just... if you just squint-- Yeah, it's like I'm seeing double! But hey, if you're having doubts about the quality here, it's fine [Dejectedly] 'cause they have a play feature... I will say, a lot of these chunky Charlies are more fleshed out in the interactivity department than what we've ever gotten from name brands, With some curiously interesting design choices. This insane looking Dreadbear's head for example comes off in a Frankenstein-esque fashion to reveal a brain underneath, which is kind of cool. Classic Bonnie's face can be removed as a nod to FNaF's original game trailer-- I'm kidding! It's a Withered Bonnie function they slapped on to their Classic Bonnie and also every other animatronic they produce. Do you think these people do their research, LMAO? At least these guys still retain the all-essential chest cavity LED, That and the amount of lead in these things has, like, three bootleg killer animatronic traits in one! I love game accuracy! Ahaha, looks like bootleg me's got a play feature too-- Oh, that's lead, her blood is l- everything's covered in... Yeah, actually, that'd explain 11-month-long coma I just slipped into-- But hey, I'll be honest. Exposure to lead might take a while to cure me, though at least it's guaranteed! Funko's official offerings couldn't kill me for shit! Like, what if I choked to death on a disconnected limb wrong? Too many variables. I mean, dawg, half of these goddamn figures look like the result of a Five Nights at Freddy's speed edit from a 14-year-old who doesn't know the first thing about character design yet. Yeah, exactly. A gross looking Nightmare plushie... figures? But the Minecraft versions of these dickheads? Unless we forget all the fangame characters that end up a tad too popular and get lumped into this burning trash fire, Sorry, Candy, dude. God hates you apparently! At least with the Fazbear Fanverse Initiative actually getting its own merch as of late, There are official channels to throw your hard earned bones into to support devs, like Emil Macko, to counteract this garbage. Look! A fluffy boy. But, wait, it gets worse... Masks. MASKS?! Yeah, masks! 'Cause, buddy, there's nothing like breathing in plutonium fumes for an extended period of time! Mmm, press that shit into my airways, didn't need 'em anyways! How do these exist?! I feel like I'm living in a nightmare realm! This is creepypasta material, not a consumer-ready product! Like, are the kids buying this shit okay? Are they gonna be okay?! It's one thing to sell tainted plastic under the guise of legitimacy to FNaF fans and have 'em be in the general presence of mercury-ridden bootleg figures, Then there's using the exact same material to cover their goddamn faces, HELLO?! ...so anyway, Redbubble, right? Or something, gotta love that ripped fan art! Bootleg FNaF merch! What are we, disgusted? I sure am! God-damn is there a range in quality here, definitely more than I expected, But oh, boy, would I still never chance beating the odds, buying any of this shit, ever. Intentionally. But as we've come to learn, you get what you get with cheap, unlicensed FNaF merchandise, 'Cause, hey, in addition to just being an affordable option for people... Yep! Otherwise, you never know where what you're getting's being sourced, general product quality and safety's always a concern, Most of the time, designs reference, copy, or straight up steal fan designs both in product and packaging, Half the time this shit looks like crap anyway! And in the rare cases where there are some genuinely good bootleg offerings, More often than not, it's usually outdone by licensed merchandise in one way or another. Okay, usually is a strong word here, but-- Okay, I'd argue most of the bootleg world is at least overshadowed by tested and officially designed junk at the very least. You know, despite how cool heavy metal poisoning is. Oh, what, you're not a fan of that? Oh, okay, well if that's such an issue just keep away from any drop ship site that isn't regulated, Amazon, or eBay. Okay, so even if Amazon and eBay aren't the best-- Hell, they're better than most other drop shipping sites, Like, yeah, you search for cheap FNaF figures on AliExpress and they'll sure as Hell give 'em to you! But there are trusted, official sources like Amazon for legitimate offerings, If sites like Sanshee or Hex are all but sold out or too expensive-- Oh, nevermind, that's a bootleg listing that made national headlines for containing a slur... Which wouldn't be the worst thing this franchise had become infamous for, hey-o! But, you know, if you love saving cash, hate yourself, and strive to further the betterment of unregulated criminal activity, Bootleg shit isn't that bad, Like, yeah, compared to the real thing, a bootleg could ooze lead, literally fall apart at the seams, and come without any redeeming play features, But it's only a few bucks and I really gotta pay off the removal dude to get rid of her, heh, Yeah, I'm gonna be so financially indifferent after this, just you wait! [Clock ticking] TOASTER: Hey, Gomo-Teeon..? GOMOTION: Oh, it's uh, first name Gomo last name Tion, Oh, uh, yeah, I ordered an inanimate bootleg figure of myself, what gives? TOASTER: Ma'am, I believe what you ordered is alive, and also a shape-shifter. GOMOTION: Oh, well, I thought this was normal! TOASTER: That's what I'm saying!
GOMOTION: Yeah!
