That's How Your Childhood Affects Your Relationship

[Music] have you ever wondered why your romantic relationships don't work out psychologists believe the main reason lies in your childhood since that's the time when we form one of the five unhealthy love styles so on to your childhood and how it's connected to your love life in their book how we love discover your love style enhance your marriage marriage and family therapists Milan and Kay yerkovich discuss how your childhood experiences create certain love patterns that hold you back from building a loving and committed relationship more specifically they name five main love styles that you can develop thanks to your early years so let's see what they're all about number one the pleaser were you often described as a good kid when you were little do you feel anxious and upset when the people around you are angry with you do you hate conflict if you gave three positive answers your most probably a pleaser pleasers usually grow up with either extremely overprotective or very critical parents this kind of unhealthy environment makes them want to do everything they can to make their parents happy but while everybody else is content the pleasers themselves only get more and more anxious since they don't receive even half of the comfort they give to their parents as a result grown-up pleasers have difficulty saying no establishing clear personal boundaries and expressing their true feelings in romantic relationships they give their all to their partners once again doing everything they possibly can to make them happy so when their partner wants to spend some quality time alone or with friends pleasers get extremely depressed and anxious thinking they're not enough this can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts that pleasers simply can't handle they find it really difficult to vocalize and address the problem so they almost never express it they just apologize right away so the argument can be over the main thing pleasers have to work on if they want to have a healthy relationship is expressing their feelings freely and embracing their imperfections stop setting unrealistic expectations for yourself there are always two people in a relationship and your feelings and opinions deserve to be heard as well number two the avoider imagine living in a family where the parents encourage independence and teach you to take care of yourself from a very early age seems like a fine idea right not always this is exactly the type of family that the next love style comes from the avoider avoiders parents focused way more on making their kids self-sufficient than showing them love and affection just like pleasers the avoiders rarely received any type of comfort from their parents and never talked to them about their own personal concerns insecurities and issues this experience taught them to suppress their feelings which slowly found its way into their adult life avoiders are highly logical they enjoy their space and almost never get emotional even more so they feel really uncomfortable when someone else shows strong emotions that's why the main problem in their relationships is the absence of emotional connection as they find it hard to really bond with their partner preferring to avoid issues instead of talking openly about them if you're an avoider and you strive for understanding in a committed relationship you have to learn how to open up and express your emotions first I know you hate to be vulnerable but it's an important part of building a strong emotional connection with your partner try taking small steps in opening up to your friends and lover a bit more every day it'll be awkward and hard at first but after taking some time you'll have no problem with it number three the Vasa later the main problem of a Vasa leaders childhood that strongly affects their adult love life is they're unpredictable parents this type of person realizes from a very young age that they're not at the top of their parents list of priorities and what can possibly be more damaging to a child Vasa leaders are used to waiting for their parents to show them love support and affection but when their mom and dad finally do that the Vasa leaders have become too angry to receive it this childhood environment creates a deep fear of abandonment and hyper sensitivity to any signs of connection that highly influenced Vasa leaders romantic relationship they strive to find the stable love they never received in their childhood and make one crucial mistake while doing it they idealize their partner every time a Vasa later falls in love they jump into the relationship right away thinking they found their perfect soul mate but true love can't always be perfect and when they realize that their relationship is far from flawless Vasa leaders become disappointed and doubtful this leads to immature and unreasonable fights and usually ends with separation so here's a little message to all the Vasa leaders out there take time to actually know another person and don't paint a perfect picture of them right away relationships are hard and it takes time and effort to make them work but if you manage to get through tough and turbulent times you'll get the stable and beautiful love you've always wanted number four the controller for pretty much every controller you meet their childhood is rather painful to remember they were brought up in chaotic homes with parents who not only never offered them any protection but were also the main source of their stress this unfortunate experience teaches controllers to toughen up and take care of themselves in their future it seems like a great lesson to learn but in the controllers case it's way more unhealthy than it seems controllers view the world from two perspectives they're either in control themselves or they're being controlled by others they don't like stepping out of their comfort zone or expressing their emotions and vulnerability the only feeling that isn't weak is anger so they prefer to use it as a weapon to remain in power that's why controllers prefer to fiercely fight back and most of the arguments they have with their partners they tend to avoid compromises and strongly disagree with their partner for as long as it takes to make them give in and agree even though this type sounds harsh these people are actually some of the most sensitive you can meet controllers just don't want to put themselves in a position where they can get hurt therefore they use power and control as a shield against disappointment sadness and pain to build a loving and strong relationship they need to learn how to let go and trust others to be vulnerable around them if you're a controller don't immediately jump to an angry response being honest with your partner about how you feel won't make you lose control it'll help you lay the foundation for an amazing support system you never knew you needed number five the victim chaotic households can create not only controllers but people of another type victims victims often grow up with abusive angry and violent parents and learn to cope with this by being as invisible and quiet as possible a lot of victims children create their own fantasy and imaginary worlds in their heads to get away from the horror that happens at home these children can tolerate the Intolerable which rarely ends well for their mental health most of the time such dramatic experiences lead to serious depression and anxiety in their adult life victims become very adaptable and prefer to go with the flow they can be described as introverted shy and self-conscious of course all this doesn't help them in the romantic love life at all they have no idea what life is like without abuse and violence so they tend to go for domineering controlling and even cruel partners and since they learn to tolerate anything bad that comes their way from a very young age they find it extremely difficult to stand up for themselves and leave to find their happy ever after with a good person victims have to sort out their own personal problems before committing to a relationship fall in love with yourself first and do not accept any negativity or disrespect coming your way if you're not on your own side nobody else will be leave the pain in the past and start building a joyful future for yourself so which one of these love styles is yours tell us in the comments section below don't forget to give this video a like share it with your friends and click Subscribe stay on the bright side [Music]

Channel: BRIGHT SIDE

Views: 174,649

Rating: 4.8823047 out of 5

Keywords: toxic relationship, relationship problems, healthy relationship, unhealthy relationship, obsession, controlling relationship, dangerous relationship, relationship goals, relationship advice, happy marriage, unhappy marriage, relationship conflicts, healthy romantic relationship, dating a wrong person, fall in love, idealize your partner, victim in relationships, pleasers, controllers, avoiders, vacillators, childhood and relationships, childhood experiences, love petterns

Id: kghYboB21t8

Length: 10min 0sec (600 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 01 2019