Stop People Pleasing with Nick Pollard, The People Displeaser

people ask me when they get on calls with me and and so often on my Instagram page how do I learn to say no you don't learn to say no you learn how to stop saying yes you have a yes problem not a no [Music] problem I'm Patrice Washington and this is the redefining wealth podcast where authenticity leads to alignment and and abundance join us each week as we peel back the layers on what wealth truly means and dive into conversations that Inspire connect and Empower you to live your richest life get ready to challenge the status quo it's time to redefine wealth for [Music] yourself welcome back to a brand new episode of redefining wealth this is the space that you come to each and every week to learn more about what it means to chase purpose not money that's because we're community that understands that wealth is so much more than just money and material possessions the true 12th century definition of wealth is the condition of well-being and you need to be well in your relationships if you are going to be wealthy that is why this month it is all about not people pleasing anymore and I am kicking off this theme of stop people pleasing with the people displeasure himself the one and only Nick Pard you may already follow him on Instagram he's a world-renowned coach and speaker specializing in people pleasing codependency and addiction he has over 50 million views on his social media channels that includes Tik Tok Instagram YouTube and he's become a thought leader in personal growth and change he ranks in the top 10% of coaches worldwide and I brought him here to help us as purpose Chasers stop people pleasing this month in the Institute for redefining wealth oh my gosh I am so excited about one of the things that I'm preparing for our community which is an opportunity to do some role playing and using scripts to prepare for those uncomfortable conversations we're still trying to get the date down so you're hearing this on February 1st you are in luck you will not miss it as long as you come on into the Institute right now we still have our founding member special through February 4th February 4th is the last time that you'll be able to get into the institute for the first month at just 2024 or you can sign up for the year and save $100 essentially two months free in The Institute for redefining wealth and there's so many other goodies so make sure you go to redefining wealth. Institute to get in now that's redefining wealth. Institute the next voice you hear after the affirmation of the week will be my conversation with the one and only Nick Pard this week's affirmation is I give myself permission to establish my personal Bill of Rights I proudly assert my right to create and communicate the boundaries and standards that honor my authentic self I grant myself the right to prioritize my needs wants and desires without guilt recognizing that my well-being is Paramount for me to execute the vision on my heart I affirm my right to set healthy boundaries in all areas of my life creating relationships Partnerships and environments that uplift and respect me I declare my right to pursue my passions and dreams unapologetically embracing the Journey of self-discovery and growth in the process with each decision and every conversation I reinforce my personal Bill of Rights empowering myself to live a life aligned with my values my goals and the deepest desire of my heart declare with me today I give myself permission to establish my personal Bill of Rights welcome to the redefining wealth podcast Nick Pard thank you I'm so excited to have you you are like so chill you give me just just California Vibes you know I'm I'm actually from La you give me those real cool California vibes but I've been so looking forward to having you on the podcast I don't quite remember how I stumbled upon you on Instagram I don't know if someone just sent me uh one of your clips of you walking on the beach talking about boundaries or telling people what it is and what it isn't but I have been stuck ever since sharing your reals and all that sharing them with my community and it's so so so good to see you and to have you on the podcast so welcome welcome welcome well thank you very much for having me it's um I'm watching to your stuff too and listen to a few of your episodes and it's pretty cool to be here so I appreciate the invite ah thank you so much I I just want to start with you're known as the people diser when did you first discover that you were actually a people pleaser I think the there's kind of a longer answer to that but the the shorter is I had checked into AB in 2018 and I was I was really sick just really really sick with alcoholism and couldn't pull my life straight I couldn't and for the longest time I tried to get sober and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't and then as I kind of sobered up over the over that timeline you know I bounced off the sobriety walls as most people do through that I started to realize that I just had never really given myself what I needed and then once I had that Epiphany it was like well what does that mean and what does that mean oh yeah oh that's not good that means that I was effectively in this position that I I could never give myself what I wanted I could never be the the man I wanted to be I was constantly trying to live up to other people's expectations and once I figured out that I wasn't living my life I was like well what do I call that I'm like I'm I'm certainly very pleasing and I like oh and then my therapist actually said it's people pleasing it's like okay great so now I knew and then I went about the task of like figuring out how to fix that so this whole month on the redefining wealth podcast we break everything down by the pillars of wealth and the second pillar is called the people pillar and our theme for this month is stop people pleasing so I am so excited you got the right guy I know I know you actually inspired the theme for this month it's all about not people pleasing and this really came up because when I was talking to a few ladies who had come into my Mastermind program Mastery momentum I said what's the number one reason you feel like you haven't been really living your life's purpose these were the three answers I got from three different women I'm afraid of what people will think if I do what I really want to do the second I don't want to disappoint the people who love me the most because what I desire to do doesn't align with what they think I should do and the third person said well what will people say just what and every answer was rooted in something external someone external and completely denying dismissing and diminishing what they knew in their souls they wanted to do and what they should do in favor of well this is what other people think and that's heartbreaking right and it's the number one crippling thing for people that I work with is and Patrice I work with people that are it's ridiculous the amount of the amount of success that I have in my client roster is is mind-blowing I mean it's my contact list is probably worth north of a couple of billion and those are the same people that have the same problem as somebody who's just trying to get to 100K or 50k the problem is the same across all genre at every Financial level people are terrified of what other people think and I think it comes mostly from social media I think it comes from an environment where activism is being offended rather than doing something I think there's kind of all of these narratives around I'm like I'm an activist I'm like really what did you actively do I posted I made a post duh right that was the thing I posted I did a thing right I I reposted oh when you're living in an environment like that what happens is is you start being afraid of everyone because we've created this kind of narrative that if I'm if I'm even slightly wrong then I could be cancelled I could be hated I could be called any number of you know things and it's not no longer is ignorance acceptable and that's impossible to navigate life is impossible to navigate where ignorance is unacceptable break that down further though because we hear that ignorance is bliss right well yeah well they they and I think when people say ignorance is bliss they're they're saying it kind of tongue and cheek of course right where it's like if you don't know a problem exists then you don't have to deal with it not to get into the political side of this but during Co when they were like well the if we test we'll have less Co well yeah right yeah that's kind of how that goes but if you don't look for it we're not going to find it but that's also how life is and I think where people pleasing is concerned with one of the problems my page actually has is that I expose this blind spot in people and the problem with learning is that you start out unconsciously incompetent you have no idea what you don't know right and then somebody like me comes along and pokes you in the forehead and goes now you know and now you're consciously incompetent you're going well thanks Nick I really appreciate that how do I fix it well you know what we call that here The Awakening so Awakening is to arise from Slumber so a lot of times we're on autopilot we're just going about doing our thing we don't know what we don't know and then you have this Awakening where all of a sudden someone gives language or gives description to something that you've been experiencing and now can't say you don't know the problem is you may know but not necessarily have the guts to own it yet or to do something about it right and when you look at how that progression goes so you go from that I don't know to what to what you call an Awakening and then you have to go you have to take an action step right and that action step is so often practice becoming consciously competent is the idea of like I'm practicing I'm learning I'm growing and it can take 10,000 hours to to acquire skill is what they say or you know it could take 20 hours it doesn't really matter but the the point is Mastery takes time so you you're kind of doing that till you move into an unconscious competence or kind of the Master's level of of how to do things right and you work with wealth so you work with financials quite a lot if you want to talk about something just vicious in that world is people pleasing the ability to overg give and people please is just brutal and it creates like these massive gaps in time between what you want what you should like where you want to go and we see it a lot in in religious institutions we see it a lot with you know families starting businesses together we see like you know mainly what you're doing when you start a business with your brother-in-law is you're loaning him $10,000 he's gonna piss him away so I mean you and I both know like one of my boundaries is I don't lend money to family yeah I love that yeah like I don't lend money to my family or my friends I don't go to business with my friends either like I'll give money to my family yes but I don't lend money to my family I will give my family money and if they want to give me equity in a company in return fine but there's never going to be any Equity it's going to be fine and being honest with yourself that radical honesty is what's so important and you're right this is where the pillars of wealth really were birthed from because I was working with people just in even basic Personal Finance Management and they would say I have a money problem but then the more I talked to them and listened to them and coached them and walked them through things I'm like sounds like you have a people problem this is not a this is not a budgeting problem this is a boundary problem right and you're making it about well which budget should I use what does it matter if you're never going to say no right right that's exactly right like I have a money problem no no no no no no you really don't you you have a allowing people to use you problem yeah yeah people ask me when they get on calls with me and and so often on my Instagram page how do I learn to say no you don't learn to say no you learn how to stop saying yes you have a yes problem not a no problem o break this down Nick well think about what you do when you say yes when you're default program so you talked about default living how people are just kind of going through the motions and they're on autopilot your default modality of living is what you were taught from birth to like five years old and if you were taught that saying no was mean or disrespectful or unfair then you're going to live that way regardless of whether it serves you or not and the more you do that so when people Pleasers do this on a long enough timeline what'll happen is yes becomes meaningless oh like completely meaningless so because they're overcommitted they've spent all their money they can't do the things they want to do so they say yes yes yes yes yes and then they end up canceling plans all the time or they they end up not showing up or not being present or being on their phone trying to figure out the next thing and none of that is a great way to live happily so when you learn to say no you're also learning to not say yes and you start to see this weird thing happens number one you'll learn that like nobody really cares when you say yes or no so often like a yes is come to be expected so people get a little surprised and sometimes shocked in the beginning when you start to say no but then once you do it for like a week or two and people get used to you saying no more often and and now they know they have to kind of qualify their their needs like why am I asking you for this the asks start going away number one number two your yes becomes exceedingly more valuable and you can tell that by the effort people are willing to put in to get the yes oh the effort they're willing to put in to get the yes yeah because if you become accustomed to hearing no from me that means you're going to come to me with qualifiers why should I give you the money why should I help you move right at some point there needs to be an exchange an equitable position like I'm willing to give to you but are you going to be able to like say yes when I call you and need to have a beer with my buddy so we get to these places where over time like yes yes yes means your Yes means nothing when you say no then your yes becomes exceedingly more powerful people respect it and they want it more because it's not given to everything yeah this is so good I'm even experiencing this in business most recently someone just reached out about wanting me to speak somewhere and it's a an event that I've spoken at before and to create the relationship I was willing to go a little under what my normal speaking fee is and it was wonderful wonderful experience I did a great job all the things and then they invited me back for the second year and somehow the person who reached out Nick offered me less to speak for longer and I'm like clearly there's been a misunderstanding like you don't know what happened here so let me you know my team said okay we'll just bring them up to speed and so we sent them the agreement with what the actual number should be and why and all of those things they sent it back scratched out the time frame that they were trying to extend right so instead of me speaking for 45 to 60 Minutes they wanted me to speak for like two hours they scratched it out scratched out my rate lowered the rate and then signed it and said we'll see you at such and such such and such so we had to reply with that doesn't feel like you're honoring what I bring to the table and all those things so perhaps this year's just not a great fit and the woman replied with the she's like you are asking me who says no to more things than I say yes and I gave you my yes and you did not value it and because I said no it's okay I'm good it's just not a good fit they replied with a you you should be I didn't even read the whole thing I opened it and closed my phone and went on about my day I still haven't finished reading it but it's wild how people will expect you to say yes person personally or professionally with no hesitation it's like did you you didn't even ask with the intention of a possibility of a no you just assume there would be a yes because of the name you're attached to I have my own standards though so that's a no right so is it on us to exercise the standard or is it on us to try to force other people to see our value so I teach value-based boundaries rather than just I think boundaries are are misconstrued in so many ways as to I set a boundary with my mom but I don't know what that even means like how did you set a boundary they say like I set a boundary on my mom what did you put her in a fence is she in a cage somewhere what does that mean because when somebody violates your boundaries you have a you problem not a them problem so one of the things I would say in the situation you just expressed is like I might have even gone further than you which was to respond with I'm sorry my speaking fees no longer align with this I've sent you an updated agreement and it is and we're not negotiating hindsight of course being 2020 but I would have been that bold with it because here is what my speaking fee is per hour well that was a part of what we sent back that's a part of what we said when we sent it back and she still sent it crossed out like she didn't it was weird I've never experienced such a thing I mean I I don't know what organization this is but you know it sounds like you don't line up with them anymore but when when you go with what is a boundary like I have a Bill of Rights that I keep in my pocket tell us about the Bill of Rights is this just a list of your personal standards it's a list of what I'm willing to accept and what I'm not willing to accept which is my boundaries that is the definition of what a boundary is what you will tolerate what you will not tolerate okay what types of things are on the list so one of the things is I'm allowed to be unhappy I'm allowed to get angry I'm allowed to feel my feelings I'm allowed to say no I'm allowed to say yes I'm allowed to spend money on myself that was a big one for me when I was really deep in the people pleasing world is like I spent 6 weeks trying to buy a 75 in television not because I didn't have the money I had the money I had 10 times the money but I couldn't spend the money on myself so now it's in my boundaries I'm allowed to feel my feelings I'm allowed you know in boundaries there's all kinds of of variety but I mean if you look at some of the Core Concepts you have your your health boundaries or your personal boundaries you have your emotional boundaries you have your wealth boundaries in terms of like your finances you could also call those material boundaries like what you'll do with your stuff you have your sexual boundaries like all of those so I have I have rights that are listed underneath all of those categories that I believe in myself and I I allow myself to have right they don't violate anybody else's boundaries they're about me like I'm allowed to say no to sex a lot of men don't realize they're allowed to do that that is so good and you carry it around how long have you had this practice that I started about three years ago and do you add to it regularly I change it about once a year because I laminate it and put it in my wallet this is so good is it's around me all the time like if I get unhappy I I look at my list because there's kind of key points in all of them right so like I'm allowed to say no that runs the gamut across everything period do you need explanation when you give your no no what do you do when people PR for an explanation I think it's okay to explain I will never convinced but I'm happy to explain like if I have to sell you on my no then the answer is hard no why are you saying no because I'm an adult and I don't answer why questions would be my answer to that gosh like I'm brutal but again you're talking to a guy that used to be an addict like I was addicted to cocaine and alcohol and my life was miserable and I never said no to anything and I was constantly spending all my money on other people and I and like I grew up in an environment that that fostered that behavior and all these things kind of came together and culminated in this one issue and I was like I gotta learn to say no because I'm dying here so now my no is sacred to me it's divine to me it's as powerful as my yes but my yes is exponentially more meaningful so if you think about it in terms of like what what do you learn when you start to say no well number one you learn that your yes isn't nearly as powerful as you think number two you learn that saying no isn't the end of the world and people are going to get their feelings certain that's okay but number three and the most important lesson in no is a yes is a lot harder to come back from so if I say yes Patrice happy to come on your podcast and then three hours from now you called me and you're like hey are you ready and I'm like I'm not going to do that sorry it doesn't line up with who I want to be what do you think of me at that point that you're chicken right I'm chicken I'm a liar I'm not a man of my word right yeah these are all the things that you might think about me now if I had said no and then you called me three hours before and you're like hey my last guest canceled would you mind like it it would mean a lot to me and I was like you know what I'll do that what am I then a hero right right so if you say no I can't make it to lunch with you today and then five minutes later you call your your buddy and you're like hey you know what I do I let's do it let's go wasn't in the mood for Chili's but let's go anyway that person's going to be elated but if you say yes and then call later and say no then they're going to be sad disappointed let down M right so saying no actually buys you more Goodwill than it doesn't and that's what people don't know yeah I've been learning even in business instead of over promising things to just hold some things back and then over Delight like if you come into an experience with me I I don't feel compelled to list a zillion things it's like this is the core of what we're going to do together and then everything else that I add the surprises you know the surprise guests the popups the gifts the whatever is a light earlier years ago when I first started I felt the pressure of oh I need to pretend that I can manifest all of these things for these people and now I'm burnt out doing what I set out to do which is work that I love and I don't want to turn what I love to do into something that's more difficult than it needs to be so instead of over promising we over Delight in the on the back end I couldn't agree with that idea more I think um I see that a lot in salespeople where they have a tendency to overpromise um to get the deal done whereas you know they know what they're doing I was in sales for 30 years and I you know ostensively I'm still in sales I mean what it is but I just do it on a much broader scale I suppose but no I love that and but also you know you need to be able to say no to what you know you can't do too at the risk of losing the client because you will lose the client any way one way or the other if you say yes to something you're you're going to burn the relationship you're going to burn your yourself out you're going to end up screwed up like as I go you know as my coaching career has kind of progressed over the last two years I'm starting to recognize that onetoone coaching is burning me out I don't want to do it anymore on a very like small scale onetoone coaching engagements isn't how I want to do it anymore well that means that when people get on my phone I have to be honest like look I'm cutting a lot out of this program because me answering your text messages at 2 in the morning has to stop right me constantly checking up on you has to stop yeah and and no amount of money becomes worth it you know after a certain point right so now I'm I'm moving toward a model where like I communicate with my clients once a week that's it good for you and here's the day I do that pick a time slot but we're not like this is where we fit in yeah and that's a big change for me yeah well even as the people displeased her I love that what you're illustrating is because it's a journey so while some boundaries make sense in one season and what even feels good and feels safe in one season and feels like the thing to do you have the right to change your mind right I would say that's a part of my personal Bill of Rights I have the right to change my mind it's a really big one that's how we used to do it okay and so but now we're not right and it's made it's made my sale much harder to get like changing my mind on these on these trajectories but so what yeah cuz you find the New Path anyway it's harder by 1% but easier on my brain by like 500% and there you have it right like if you want to text message me I can add that in but it's going to be expensive yeah period and someone will do it somebody's going to do that now I happen to be one of those people that are motivated to work out on my own but I personally don't get get the best fit pillar results I can when I don't use a professional trainer because everything that's permissible is not necessarily beneficial but having a full life can make it so hard to get on the same schedule as a personal trainer but when I discovered future in January 2023 the game changed it has helped me stay committed to My Fit pillar goals on the go it's a personal training app made to fit your life you get a dedicated coach personalized training plans and access to unlimited workouts and trust me you will enjoy them I would love for you to check out future today if you know that you can do okay with your fit pillar by yourself but you want that additional support and you really want to get serious about your fit pillar go to Patrice washington.com future and get 50% off your first month today that's 50% off your first month when you use my link Patrice washington.com future there was a line where you said on Instagram once the same trauma responses that saved me when I was a kid are the same ones that can now me as an adult and I've been saying something similar one thing that saved me in one season of my life ended up feeling like it was crushing and killing me in the next and I would love to just know from you as it pertains to boundaries in particular were there certain things that you just I mean obviously you just didn't know how to say no to but you felt like they protected you or were good for you in that season and how did you recognize when it was time to shift so I think during the season of my life that they were a part of it I didn't but in hindsight I think I can see them better and I think it does take I say all the time Patrice never hire a coach that doesn't have coaches never hire a coach that doesn't have a therapist like somebody needs to be exposing my blind spots while I'm exposing yours but to answer your question like if I look back at my fear of failure it kept me pretty safe for a while and it and it served a very good purpose frankly I'm actually kind of grateful to it that I had had it because I might have taken risk that could have endangered where I am today if you can learn to see your fears not as like I have to get over this but as I have to love this into a different type of existence then you become more aware of who you want to be rather than who you were right so rather than me obsessing saying like I do fine financially but I worry about money all the time I don't know why I honest to God cannot tell you why at this point that I go through this like Rigo every month but I do and it drives everyone around me crazy so I now love that fear and say okay buddy I see you like what do we need today yeah name the noise and oftentimes when I'm living when I'm in fear that means I'm not paying attention to something like the road map I'm using is wrong and I go okay what is the what what are we bumping up against every month what is the road map that we're that we're up against and so often Patrice in that in that modality or that moment is like gratitude and I don't mean it like I need to write a gratitude list right I need to be grateful to myself for all the hard work I've done right and people are like how do I write it you know how do I practice gratitude no you don't nobody practices gratitude sorry you don't you just don't um because if you were doing that all you doing is that gratitude shows up when you need it it's a very powerful tool it's like an arrow in the quiver and for me I draw that Arrow when I'm in fear and I go okay what I need to what do I need to be grateful for to you Nick like what am I not paying attention to that you've done when that comes up for me now like this is my big blind spot right now when it comes up for me now I say you created this out of nothing yeah four years ago I was living in in my mom's basement with a dollar in my bank account that was four years ago yeah I was shocked when you just said that the rehab Journey was in 2018 I was shocked Because by the time I found you I think you had maybe like a 100,000 followers on Instagram and maybe in the short time maybe less than a year you're almost 400,000 now yeah so so much has happened and I have 200,000 on Tik Tok 220 on Tik Tok right if you really look back on my life I bankrupted business in 2018 I was making $3,000 a month I was driving for Uber I was living with my mom I'd been to rehab when I went to rehab I was so broke Patrice that she had to buy me and this is back when I was smoking she had to buy me a carton of cigarettes every five or so days because I was stuck in a rehab center all there is to do is smoke and cry so I'm in rehab she's bringing me like cigarettes and Sour Patch Kids every five days for 30 days my mom's an absolute Angel by the way mom if you're listening to this I love you but that to hear only took four years and that's I think that's what people don't get is like four years sounds like a lot of time it's really not it's really not and within those four years we were in a pandemic so I mean 18 of those months are just like a blur oh yeah I forget about that that I also lost a year right yeah like a big piece of that is such a blur to most of us any way I just moved back to Atlanta in 2019 and so those four and a half years it just feels like I blinked my daughter was in junior high and now we're doing early admission to college so that absolutely just flew by wow when you talked about the fear what it made me think of too is that every time I feel that pressure or start to fear those things I see it as an invitation to take inventory I ask myself a lot of questions but one of those questions too is like where am I not being present to what's really going on for me right and one of those is where am I not being grateful or where am I not really thinking about what this really is it's like based on where I was raised how I was raised the family I was born into and any list of things for myself going through a divorce recently and all of the the things associated with such a an event right I'm like you're still here you won you're still here you're not bitter you're not bitter you're not broken you're still here and to make such a decision and already having a public platform at that time and doing it from a place of knowing that it would displease people but it would put me at ease I am so proud of myself period and isn't that what it's about if you can love you then then life becomes easy I was a I was a dating coach for years I used to to say that stupid line like if you can't love you how can anybody else love you and it's just such a dumb thing to say to people that are trying to date but the truth of it is is what does love mean right love means being honest if you look at the words love and honesty they they mirror each other in so many ways but if you can't be honest with you then you can't be loved by anybody right which means you don't get to kick your own ass because you're not all bad honesty Cuts both ways sometimes it means you have to say the hard things but sometimes it means you have to say the real things real Things Are very often positive yeah right it's not about putting a positive shine on everything and and everyone it's about being honest and if you're being honest with yourself then you're probably more good than you more bad and that's one of the things that people pleas or struggle with the most is that Narrative of like I'm not enough I'm not good enough and I've spent I spent 35 years of my life feeling like that and I will not let people feel like that if I can if I can avoid it yeah one of the things I heard you say too before for it was in regards to being able to voice whatever your boundary is or or live that thing out is that everyone who pushes up against that is not necessarily toxic or narcissistic because we hear that being thrown around such a so much like oh they didn't honor my boundary they're toxic can you speak to that because you talked about people being able to say the hard things or have those conversations and we think that having the conversation must be easier must go in our favor or the other or something's wrong with the other person can you speak to that yeah I think we live in a really entitled society that is very very narcissistic and in its own right but again when you say like that person's a narcissist if everyone in your life is a narcissist at some point you have to ask the question maybe is it me and if your boundaries sound like Rule books if you're not any good at boundaries and they always sound like rules in the beginning like Mom don't feed the baby after two that's one of my boundaries no that's not a boundary that's rule when you have those kinds of conversations and people bump up against them I mean just in that example don't smoke cigarettes in front of me my dad used to do that and I don't like it leave that because essentially that's making your trigger a boundary right you're making me do something for you rather than you taking action on what I'm doing the boundary is you taking action on what I do so if I smoke cigarettes and you don't like it you have the option to leave I don't smoke anymore but that's just a great example but what do people do they sit there and complain and say you're not honoring my boundary because you're still smoking but instead of taking responsibility for what I can do I'm trying to control what you're doing right boundaries are personal responsibility boy does that make people uncomfortable people hate my personal responsibility posts I mean they go viral every time but they hate them right because I'm poking them right in the chest and saying you're not special but a boundary in that situation so an example of a good boundary is like I'm allowed to say no okay so somebody says hey can I borrow your lawnmower I'm like no well how come okay does that mean they're a narcissist no it means that I that they're asking for an explanation and I'm and I'm free to say I don't I choose not to explain myself my no means no and that is what it is right but somebody bumping up against your boundary more than one time like did you expect that they were just going to learn this overnight you thought they were going to honor everything about that you changed overnight with no learning because you're so special and your boundaries are so valuable that everyone should just know how to do that who's the narcissist really so I do believe in giving people the Dignity of their own process I think a lot of times we learn something new right and then we want everyone else to jump on board but we learned it when we when we came into our Awakening we learned it at whatever time was right for us and now we want to force that to be someone else's time as well but there's something to be said for when it does happen over and over and over again and you've articulated something so when is enough enough I think think that's individual but I think that there's also another way to do it it seems to me that and I've seen it a lot somebody bumps up against your boundaries let's say four or five times and it's getting to an annoying Place well then you need a little bit more push back but the push back needs to be equal to the resolve right so you push back real hard in the hardest push back of all and it's like they bumped up against my boundaries so now I'm just going to go no contact right that's the All or Nothing black or white emotionally unstable thing to do but I'm just going to go I'm just going to go no contact right uhhuh so they do that then they say well I don't know why anybody I don't know I don't have any friends anymore well you you started going no contact with everybody who made you upset what I always tell people is when somebody bumps up against your boundaries you need to be prepared to defend your position you need to be prepared to to hold the line but you also don't have to like shoot him in the face you can just turn the volume down on the Friendship a little bit you don't have to burn a bridge right so if you think of your friends and your family as having dials rather than being all or nothing right so your mom's kind of loud your life I.E she spends a lot of time with you well maybe it turn that volume down and then the eventuality is she'll say hey how come we don't spend as much time together well Mom I had asked you to you know I had told you about how I was feeling in this particular situation it kept being a thing that you were stepping over I didn't want to explain it anymore so I was kind of allowing you some time to process that's that's good right you're not punishing anybody that's not what this is about it's about I'm turning the volume down to protect my peace I hate it when I say that by the way I hate that word or that phrase protect my peace I think that's the new buzz word for I'm not going to take responsibility but really in many regard yeah like peace protection what what does that mean if you have to say you're protecting your peace you're not at peace have a great day well what if it's not something you have to articulate but it's the way that you navigate then you are peaceful I think that things get worn out in the effort to create you know this Bevy of content which we're a part of right and so you get sucked in to these terms but really in my actual life I don't walk around saying I'm protecting my peace I'm protecting my peace I think it's a way of being so my actions dictate that I prioritize peace right the way I set my life up dictates that I prioritize peace but I think the ick is saying it like walking around having to say it all the time is the thing that is like don't don't talk about it just be about it right Marcus aelius said that stop talking about growing and start growing yeah let's just do the thing right ah let's just do the thing rather than keep talking about the thing it's much easier easier everybody I love this field a lot but the amount of 22-year-old life coaches are telling me to protect my peace is getting to be absurd what is in your algorithms Nick I know too often now with words we we've gotten very careless about what we say as a society labeling everybody a narcissist is narcissistic and the fact that you know I I had an argument online with my personal account the other day where I had asserted that someone's opinion was that they had a blind spot and they attempted to turn around and say I said a thing that isn't writing that I didn't say that thing it was in writing it was a perception of theirs um and an opinion that they had and that and like they said I offended them and I said no you chose offense there's a difference what I said was factually accurate you being offended doesn't change the narrative so I'm entitled to my opin is one of my Bill of Rights and if you're going to say dumb I'm gonna be displeasing like and and all I saw is just this person has all this hate and it's one of the it's where I got the activism ideas like okay well your activism is usually you being mad about a new subject every week I'm not concerned with everyone being comfortable yeah something that I've been really discovering for myself these last few years is that the same I love that you said you chose offence I've been saying that Clarity is clearly offensive to people like giving someone a clear answer because it doesn't align with what they expected from you or what they wanted you to say or whatever it is all of a sudden people are like you know this is the take the breath and hands on the on the pearls and all these things people can't believe especially I think for a woman and I know you're a coach do you see any differences in how women um go about setting their personal Bill of Rights or being able to enforce their boundaries or take responsibility are there any differences between your male and female clients I would say that well first the process is the same like every time like process is always the same we need to Define all the rules you live by pick the ones you like get rid of the ones you don't and get rid of any ones that are contradictory like mine used to be I I'm allowed to spend money on myself but I also have to watch everything I spend so I can never have any fun just for fun sake right right those two contradict each other but just an example but in terms of what men and women do differently so I think that women tend to believe they'll be in more danger when they set their boundaries internally which is again when they when you set your boundaries internally nobody else has to ever know like I don't run around with a list of boundaries that I give to people like here are my boundaries like nobody knows I have the thing in my pocket it's my reminder so there's that but men have a tendency to believe that they will be alone or they will be disrespected what men don't know is that being nice and boundaryless has caused them to appear plative and unattractive to women because they're not assertive and they're not strong and what women tend to experience is they have bad people in their life specifically bad men who see them as weak and people they can abuse so the fears are very much the same and they're very real what happens when you become a boundaried woman is the people that would be abusive to you don't they don't show up in your frame anymore and will they show up sure that that will always be a thing like you one or two May slip by the radar but you'll notice the it's like I I see it online again all the times like the top 10 red flags there is no such thing a red flag to you may not be a red flag to me there's only behaviors you'll tolerate and behaviors you won't tolerate I.E your boundaries can I tell you this is how I knew I was free to date like post divorce I knew I was free to date because I had through you know the process become a more boundaried woman I I wouldn't call it such but I have become a more boundaried woman and so in dating there was one guy in particular that I was dating early 2023 and by then I was very aware of the personal Bill of Rights things that I would tolerate and things that I just wouldn't and so even for the look of oh you're so cute together you take beautiful pictures oh this guy has all these things he's Rich he's tall he has access to this he's fit he's blah blah blah people love him he's on all these stages he's but I was like but in my to use your terms my personal Bill of Rights I will not be talked to in this way I will not be treated in this way nothing for me to really say to him I what I told him was Yan VanZant says you don't get to tell people how to love you you get to see how they love and decide if you want to participate and I just knew for my I just don't want to participate this is not about I need to fix you and I want you if you just understood all the thing no it's just like oh no this I just don't want to participate in this this is not the type of love that I'm interested in thank you talo right and it was just easy breezy life doesn't look like this for me and life doesn't look like this for me and I was in and out I see that a lot in addiction with codependent relationships is very interesting so I do work some in the addiction field still mostly for free and for fun it's not something I offer as a coaching package but so often we get the fixers right the enablers that are like well I can take care of it I can fix it a friend of mine is going through something with this right now or one of our mutual friends has become extremely alcoholic like it's out of control and he finally got on the phone with him the other day and in a very loving way said look man I'm not walking down this road with you this is your road and you're going to choose to travel it but unless you go down a different Road I won't I I won't walk with you now and that's the same conversation you had at a very early stage with this you know with this guy is like hey that's a good road for you like that sounds like a fun game for you it's not a game I want to play yeah speaker is a good game right Playboy is a good game narcissist is a good game it's just not a game I play just not a game I play oh that's so good Nick this week's episode is brought to you by The Institute for redefining wealth where every month we help you redefine wealth using our unique framework for financial Wellness we'll be your accountability partner providing clear success paths resources and motivation to keep you on track as you work toward your professional and financial goals and for a limited time you can still start your first month at $20.24 as a founding member for more details visit redefining wealth. Institute that's redefining wealth. Institute Nick well I am so grateful to you for all of the stuff that you put out there wonderful reminders like I said I'm always sharing your stuff with the ladies in my community in particular in The Mastermind you have something called the boundaries boot camp I do the boundary boot camp is launching again in March so it actually this would be perfect timing and I don't know the price point on that it's going up every time I do it but that is an eight-week course um that I facilitate I have two q&as that are built in there it is video tons and tons and tons of content lots of cool activities that you do so one of the things that I don't do in my courses is I make them experiential I'm not going to have you just write down your feelings we're actually going to get out and do some work in public and the exercises are absurd and they're ridiculous and they're a lot of fun but by the end of that you actually will have built a Bill of Rights for yourself which is a living document that you can update every year by just going right back through the process and you know they'll set a timer on their phone like we put a reminder today is the day I do my shs today is the day I do this thing if you if you do that and you make it a practice then you become boundar very quickly right because it's not about affirmations it's about taking control of who so there's that and then I'm also launching my own Mastermind which is going to be I'm sure you can imagine it's going to be a very high ticket offer but that will be a three-day course in person live with me I'm only taking 15 people I'll have 15 men and 15 women and it will be broken into separate cohorts because I feel like men and women need to learn boundaries by themselves and then after that there will be eight weeks of accountability coaching that's done as a group because one of the things we know about the personal growth world is that it becomes an addiction for people and the reason it becomes an addiction is nobody's holding you accountable so that eight weeks is about that final component so you never have to join another group like that again that's so good just making sure you do the things instead of continuing to talk about them right it can't just be about the entertainment and just Gathering more information it has to really be about integration and transformation like what are you going to do to actually change your life and ultimately I think that's on us as individuals as well you know like you talked about earlier to take full responsibility and actually do the things I think a lot of us get caught up in gathering the information or we get excited to buy the book but then we don't read it and or we don't apply what we read or we sign up for the course and then we don't follow through with the exercises we don't commit to the you know the accountability portion and then we're like oh that thing didn't work well you also didn't work it but it does tap into the fact that most people don't do the thing no I mean I spent 20 years of my life reading personal growth material and not growing so I mean I probably spent more than that but you know I was 38 when I really basically stopped reading personal growth and started doing personal growth that's the difference like I read a lot less personal growth books these days but I do a lot more of with the ones I read so I'm more of a qualitative action versus quantitative reading I have a new client who was like man these these changes feel like I should you know really step into these slow and I'm like yeah man like you ask me to redesign your life it's 1% change every day like that's it like right now we're in the noticing phase that's all we're doing is noticing then we get into design and action so we take design and we act and we and we qualitative and do the thing right make some action and then once we have the action then we test and we tweak and we do that over and over and over again until we've created a solution to that problem that lines up with you it's not about I read the secret and I sat and manifested myself a motorcycle like it's insane like I got a Ferrari cuz I thought about it no nobody's ever got a Ferrari because they thought about it either somebody before them or themselves did the work yeah it's the same we do Awakening and then redefining so now that you've awakened to what doesn't work you need to define or redefine for yourself what you desire and then actualizing how do we walk that out so we test and tweak test and tweet Clarity comes in the doing we won't know until you try it the sitting on the Silence of I don't know if it's going to work for me you're not special at least try right at least try and then we go from there so we're definitely in the same boat I used to think the prize was in being able to say that I read 20 books a year or something like that and now I'm like I sit with like two or three really great books that I need in this season and I take my time and implement the things that I need to implement for me but it's not a quantitative thing for me anymore definitely that there are three books I love that I read every single year so the first one is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People I just love it it's not a great book anymore it's really not it's just something that I enjoy but I read it and I listen to it because the audio is like an old man like it's How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie I could never it's hilarious I mean you can tell it's like a 75-year-old white guy sitting on a porch with a glass of scotch reading this book the second one is No More Mr Nice Guy I actually recommend that book for anybody in the people pleasing world so that one's really fascinating for me and I I do it and I mean I do it because it's got exercise in it I do it every year and then I also read psycho cybernetics which is probably the Cornerstone text of all things personal growth it was written by Maxwell maltz a former plastic surgeon and I I highly recommend that book speaking of books one we plug for myself mine will be coming out at 25 congratulations thank you I've got a publishing agent and the whole thing so it's like actually going to happen and I've hired a collaborative team and and all that's happening so we should have we hope to have an offer on that book first of 2024 like January February and then we'll go into kind of full-blown writing mode March through July and then March through July we will do that then we go to print and publishing and editing so congratulations that's a journey we don't know the name of the book yet it's we're playing with titles but it'll be something special and kind of new I know it's going to be dope well what I do know already is that it's going to get straight to the heart of the matter and be chalk full of like actionable things because you're no BS so I love that and there's a book on blinket that I was reading and I gosh the Name Escapes me right now but it talks about how in this day and age people don't need three four 500 page books it's like get to what the thing is and if you really want to capture their attention and truly help people just get to the thing and like help people do it instead of and I don't know I just see you as that type of nobs person like this there's no need to make this 400 Pages let's get to the stuff so folks will actually read it and apply it so I love that well when you have the book you got to come back oh I will no doubt I actually listed you as somebody that would possibly promote that for you oh yeah in The Proposal I did that ahead of time by the way hope you mind listen I know that I have to let you go we're getting to the hour I want to ask you the rapid wisdom questions that we ask on the podcast so tell us the first thing that comes to mind first one is how do you define success kindness how do you define wealth in three words or less genuine joyful action I love that what's one book that is redefined how you wealth the subtle art of not giving a like it and the last one you're going to fill in the blank my name is and for me the truth about wealth is my name is Nick Pard for me the truth about wealth is that it only matters if it surrounds everything yeah that's essentially what we talk about here I love it Nick thank you so much for being here it was my pleasure thank you for having me this was fun I hope it was uh hope my language wasn't too wrong it was real and that's what we love so I appreciate that so much you guys I hope that you have enjoyed this episode make sure you follow Nick online if you're not already he's at thee displeasure decom check out the boundaries boot camp it will be back next month and Nick you also have a free download bulletproof boundaries and you can find that actually my website is nick.com go to nick.com pick up bulletproof boundaries start writing your personal Bill of Rights follow Nick at the people displeasure and let him know that you found him on the redefining wealth podcast and this is what I truly believe sometimes following your purpose is just going to have to be offensive to others it is not your job to try to stay into some parameters that make other people comfortable sometimes folks are just an annoyed by your Clarity they can be offended by your Clarity but your purpose demands that you get clear about who you are and what you were called to do in this world so I hope that this episode is a blessing to you and that in following Nick you will be more boundaried men and women who can really live your life's purpose to the fullest so thank you for being here I'm Patrice Washington you can follow me at seek wisdom pcw we can talk more about your personal Bill of Rights in the redefining wealth app you can download it on your iOS or Android device we are going to be talking more about this all month because our theme at redefining wealth this month is to stop people pleasing so come drop your takeaways and what you're working on and any resources that you have found helpful in your own life so we can all grow together until next time I want you to go live your life's purpose find fulfillment and earn more without ever feeling like you have to chase money I'll talk to you [Music] later [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah

Channel: Patrice Washington

Views: 987

Keywords: ABUNDANCE, FINANCIAL PLANNING, LIFESTYLE, MONEY MINDSET, PATRICE WASHINGTON, PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, WEALTH

Id: fufsUQS15ac

Length: 58min 6sec (3486 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 01 2024