What Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Guy Looks Like

that's Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible sneaking into the museum and dodging every laser inside we had this email and I'm actually not going to name this person because um they say a couple of things in the email that that might I think mean they want their anonymity even though she didn't actually ask for this to be anonymous I'm going to ER on the safe side here so she said hello Matthew and the rest of jams love the podcast this may be a bit unorthodox to be asking for advice since I am a prominent male dating coach specializing in seduction and attraction I do want to clarify here that this is a woman who coaches men that's what she means by male dating coach she's a dating coach for men however we all know that when things are too close to home sometimes all we need is an unbiased opinion coach or not this is where you come in you see me and this guy have been seeing each other steadily about once or twice a week since the beginning of May we're both busy as I often give the same advice about the importance of staying busy so as not to contract one-itis but this guy is different than your average bear first off he's a celebrity in his own right in a certain sector of Hollywood not going into detail but he is a big big deal he values talented women and drive to which my dating coach company has blown up in the last year and he loves to hear all about it things have been going very well between us but I could tell there's something there a blockade of sorts and I was right about a month ago he confided in me all of this intense trauma he went through during the pandemic and with his last relationship big deal stuff huge because this guy is a big deal in his world so his problems aren't just your typical problems the girlfriend he was with for years was diagnosed with borderline and other severe mental illness that I don't want to reveal for privacy reasons they even created television shows together he claims he tried everything to keep the relationship from falling apart but it did a year and a half ago she was his first love this matched with other work-related traumas resulting in PTSD tears were shed in the conversation and all in all it was a really beautiful morning of us being completely vulnerable with each other this is when I really started to fall for him he's in lots of therapy and discusses his feelings well which I love I have secure attachment style I know not to text him too much or too little but the thought of what are we kept eating me alive two weeks ago I asked him what are you looking for in dating I clarified by saying not that I feel any decisions need to be made now but I will say that I'm getting in too deep for this to be a casual fling and I asked him if dating could be a possibility in the future he said yes this is already a long email so I'll try to cut this short we had another conversation about it last week because in truth I wanted to know if he was seeing other girls since I myself ended things with another guy and I genuinely don't feel like going on other dates he clarified if you're asking if I'm seeing anyone else consistently then no I'm not which I don't know what that means exactly the conversation basically led into him revealing that he's been putting off the what are we convo because of all of the trauma and PTSD surrounding his ex and the possibility of being a boyfriend he says he knows it's unfair to me because I'm nothing like her and he promised he will start bringing up dating again in therapy I also am finding that many of our dates are during the week he's met my friends twice I've yet to meet his he isn't bringing me into his life yet should I be worried or not yet I don't want to give up on this guy but how long do I wait what do I do during this limbo time it's not like it's been months and months and he's still not committing but it's also feeling like this is a barrier we either need to cross together or the place I leave him behind do I create more space what does it mean by being a challenge when you put it into practice is it too soon to move forward like this should I just let things be should I continue to date others or honor this feeling of Desiring only him from one coach to another thank you there's so much there isn't there it's such an interesting email Jameson I'm curious what your first reaction to this email is why I don't know I just I'm I feel like you will have a perspective on this um I worry that my reaction is not as um compassionate and uh sweet as both yours or Audrey's might be and that's why I'd like to hear it but Jameson's not worried he'll be more compassionate than me I think me and Steve might be pretty simpatico on this I think uh I just think this guy is so full of [ __ ] like this guy that is like feeding her all of this stuff about his PTSD and like his I mean and just the way that he's he's created this Dynamic where she's framing it like he's just such a big deal and I just I mean I don't know I mean I I've talked to you guys about this before where it's like I think people throw around the term narcissist too much but if I had to bet my bottom dollar I feel like this dude is probably a narcissist that she's hung up on and is forcing her to just really forget all of the advice that she would probably tell somebody else that she would be coaching I mean Jameson with a swish you agree and this I don't know why my instinct was to go to you on this one but but boy am I glad I did but boy was I right um no you that I just think that was really really spot on I don't know how to add to that without doing some reiteration but you to me you hit the nail on the head I think I don't like this guy just from listening to him second hand and it's not like she's even tried to paint a negative picture of him quite the opposite she tried really hard to paint a positive compassionate picture of him and I just feel like she's she's feeding into his narrative there I think she's just doing what everybody does when they think that they've stumbled across someone valuable and rare you know we do it in this instance she's obviously valuing the fact that he's a big deal in his own industry and you know she mentions like you say the fact that he's a big big deal quite a few times so I think she's obviously consciously or otherwise decided that um if she lets this go she's not going to find something like this again you know I think people do it with looks they do it with careers they do it with everything you know you can meet someone who has an Eclectic amazing social group and you suddenly go well if I leave this person I also will not find somebody who brings me into their life and does all the fun things that I get to do with them or I'll never find someone who's as attractive as the person I'm dating and so we then make these allowances because we we just sort of elevate them and we tolerate all of their bad behavior if he wasn't such a big deal I wonder whether she would be putting up with half of his [ __ ] um if she thought that she could find another person like him um so I think there's a bit of overvaluing the wrong thing here just just from reading it and that's not to say that they don't have a a really great time and a good connection I just think that you know if somebody is saying to you I mean the bit to me that stood out where I was a bit like oh I don't like this guy is when she do you mean his line about he's not seeing anyone else consistently yes that one when she said when she said classic male logic when she said you know are you seeing other people and he said if you're asking it's the if you're asking if I'm seeing anyone else consistently then no I'm not Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible sneaking into the museum and dodging every laser in sight exactly he's like what are you asking if you're asking I know you just asked a question now if you're just asking that question if you're asking specifically am I seeing anyone else consistently even though you never used that word then absolutely I'm not you're my top [ __ ] am I am I seeing anyone semi-consistently well no am I seeing anyone this weekend that I have not seen yet now that depends how you define weekend and that's a whole different conversation anyway do you believe time is a construct because I do sorry Audrey no why it's true though it's true the reason it sounds harsh that we're making fun but the reason we ask because as you say he's just completely dodged a question and he's left her feeling like she's somehow special in a very unspecial answer to be clear we're not making fun of her no I know we're making fun of his logic I know but I can just imagine hearing it if it was my question and I'd be sad no of course listen when we like someone we're all hearing the truth it doesn't just make us sad it makes us it can make us angry it can make us disappointed it can make us upset I all of that I I understand and I have massive compassion for before you carry on with the video I wanted to tell you about something really valuable for anyone who is struggling to move on from somebody right now it's a free video training I did where I coached someone who was struggling with feelings for their ex and this is applicable no matter what the situation was whether you were dating them for months or years this is going to help you build yourself back to a place of confidence whether it's having the confidence to reach back out to that person but in a powerful high value way or whether it's the confidence to move on from them once and for all check it out at moveonstrong.com it's a great training and it's is completely free back to the video I'm going to call this person Lisa so that we have something to to a name to actually use Lisa you have to suspect yourself any time you write something like this or you have a conversation explaining the situation and you begin with the premise that let me just caveat this by saying that they are a celebrity and and that by the way few people on this Earth are dating celebrities because there aren't that many celebrities but we could all be in the position of dating someone who is High status in a company who is a successful entrepreneur uh who has a lot of status in their particular field or their world and if you start the conversation which is a conversation ultimately around your needs not getting there right that's what this email is my needs aren't getting met I don't feel secure or safe in this thing I can't call it a relationship because we're not calling it a relationship between the two of us I don't feel safe and secure in this and that's one of the needs that I have is the need for some sense of certainty that I'm actually investing in something under the same premise that the other person is she doesn't feel that which is why she has sent this email my needs aren't being met is at the core of this email now when you start an email or a conversation that ultimately is about your needs being met not being met and it is pre-faced by let me just start with they're a big deal they're a celebrity they're a successful business person they aren't renowned in their field they are from an important family whatever it may be you are already setting up the justification for why your needs don't matter as much in this situation and you're making a rod for your own back because that's exactly the logic this person may be relying on in order to get away with what they're getting away with and it's exactly the logic you're using as to why you're going to let this person get away with things that you wouldn't let someone get away with in a normal relationship why is it that someone being a celebrity makes your needs matter any less why is that true for you ask yourself that question why is it truth not just for him because by the way the fact that that could be true for him is a whole different problem right there are a lot of important people or famous people whatever who whether consciously or they will never admit to it but but unconsciously do actually think other people's needs matter less than this that's just the truth anyone that that we have a friend who is um who deals with famous people a lot because he's a director and he said the problem with hanging out with famous people and being friends with them is that a lot of the time you end up realizing that it's always on their terms it is always about what's good for them and when you actually need something you realize you don't have that much of a friendship of course he wasn't talking about every single person who's famous but there was a point being made that a lot of these people in these kinds of positions will act as if other people's needs aren't as important as theirs so but the but the bigger problem here is that you're subconsciously deciding that your needs don't matter as much because he's a celebrity which is why you've allowed this justification of you know there's been a whole bunch of PTSD surrounding his ex and the things that he's been through with her and work and everything else it's and we've said this before you in any in any situation where you're dating someone and they give you a logic as to why they can't do certain things why they can't commit to a relationship why they have no time why they can't ever meet our family why they can't come to our side of town and we always have to go to theirs someone may give you a watertight logic as to why that's true and when they do if you're an empathetic person and if on top of that you throw in a healthy dose of I really want them then you will buy into that logic and you'll even sell your friends on the logic you'll sell people you know on the logic Lisa is trying to sell us on the logic um and that means you've been converted but the phrase that we've said in the past which holds true today this is not a piece of advice that I have uh ever thought to change because to me it's just a recipe for finding the right relationship and avoiding unnecessary pain is you have your reasons but I have my reality if my reality is that what you're giving me isn't enough for me to be happy then your reasons as to why that is don't really matter in other words I don't need to sit around and and analyze whether you're in the right or the wrong for those reasons whether you're being overly dramatic about this quote PTSD that you have from this situation or whether it truly is this trauma that's going to take you years to get over before you're ready for a relationship or whether you're just using it as an excuse because actually you're having your fun right now with people you're not seeing consistently enough to say that you're seeing people consistently it doesn't actually matter to me which of those three three things are true all that matters is I'm somebody who this year 2022 would like a relationship and you are not in a position to give me that it doesn't it's not about right and wrong good and bad it's about what are you actually giving me those are the facts my reality determines how happy I am your reasons do not and my reality is that I'm actually not getting from you what I want and that's the conversation if you ask how do you you know one of the questions Lisa asks at the end is what does it mean by being a challenge when you put it into practice Lisa I'm going to be brutal with you here let me tell you what it doesn't look like it doesn't look like the conversation you had with him where you said what are you looking for in dating and you said by the way this was two weeks ago or somewhere in this email you said it's not like we've been dating months and months but you also say we've been dating for three and a half months so you have been dating long enough for you to be asking this question and be uncomfortable still seeing them casually but the way you phrased it to him was what are you looking for in dating not that I feel any decisions need to be made now which why why did you say that why did you feel the need to qualify your question with that and it's not that a decision needs to be made now about marrying each other but it's perfectly okay for you to say I need to know whether you actually are interested in seeing each other exclusively to see where this goes or whether you're still thinking you want to see other people it's not unreasonable to say that to him but you didn't say that you said not that I feel any decisions need to be made now so you already gave up your power in that sentence because you already told him in that moment I'm completely malleable you don't need to decide anything all I'm doing is hinting a question but I'm too afraid to make any Stakes around that you then say not that I feel any decisions need to be made now but I will say that I'm getting in too deep for this to be a casual fling and could dating be a possibility in the future and him saying yes to that by the way I mean he's saying it's committing to nothing it's signing a worthless contract he's committing to nothing it's will you maybe in the future be interested in dating me exclusively it's like going to a market in London and going now if I buy everything today do you think that there is the possibility that at some point in the future you may give me a discount what's the what's the Barrow boy on the market going to say yeah no of course yeah of course love yeah yeah yeah no I tell you what buy it all today and at some point in the future we'll have a chat I feel like we need to name this Cockney character look on Cockney Tom because this is like your Tom Cruise Mission Impossible character I absolutely can commit at some point in the future to having a little chat now if you're if you're asking me really you know what Lisa should be should be getting kind of mad about is that said in this conversation that it's getting too deep for her and that is essentially what she's communicating is that she is worried about getting hurt because she's getting too invested and what he hasn't said is you know what we probably do need to talk about the fact that you know what we're doing here because I don't want you to get hurt and I don't want you to get too invested instead he went yeah yeah yeah of course potentially in the future I might potentially be open to something just carry on yeah he's paid no no attention to what she's actually said which is I can get hurt he's shown no care for that one so yeah exactly he doesn't care does not care um and that's if by the way Lisa if you're listening to this and there's a part of you that's going I don't like you know this is the way you're talking about this whole thing I don't like it you're making fun of it or whatever get mad at him that what we're saying is highlighting I'm not minimizing your pain I'm not minimizing the fact that it's going to hurt you to have spent time investing in someone who you like and it always sucks to lose someone we like all of that is valid and I get it and I don't want you to suffer but the reason I have to make fun of this is because I don't want you to suffer is because I need you to actually see through this stuff you've been given it too much time of day because you're so close to it and when you're really close to someone let me tell you I don't blame you because proximity Is Power when you're close to someone someone can sell us on a logic that we start to believe because we're close to them and because we're giving them the benefit of the doubt and because they're shedding tears and because we don't want to be mean about it but this person is shedding tears for himself correct not you yeah he didn't show any particular Contrition at any point in that email and also you know he talks a lot about his his PTSD with his past relationship I actually I said it in in either the last podcast or the one before but we as women I think have to be really really mindful to not let men use us for the girlfriend experience which I think is exactly what he's doing here he's staying up all night shedding tears over his past relationship with you but then saying uh that he can't commit to anything right now but maybe potentially in the future he will stop seeing other people consistently or whatever he said so it's it's also um after three months or so he's kind of using your patience and good nature because you're allowing him to do it and you know the reality is that anybody whether they have you know status or something about them that makes them valuable to the outside world the best way to stand out to people like that is actually to have healthy boundaries because maybe he's just used to people doing whatever the hell he wants because ultimately that's how everybody else treats him because they're all too scared to lose him yeah but you have to value how you feel about yourself and the fact that you have a a sort of healthy and uh non-anxious non-avoidant attachment style whatever you call it the normal one and you know secure protect that because actually dating people like that is exactly the kind of thing that messes you up and I think you have to protect that and just stand out from everyone else by saying you know this is what I would like and actually I'm not asking for a lot I'm asking for exclusivity I'm asking for this to maybe be something where we actually look to see where it goes because we've been dating for three and a half months so if you can't give me that because you're not ready because of your past relationship your PTSD your whatever it is that's absolutely fine but then we can't continue as we are because ultimately as you have stated he's not meeting your needs and I actually think that's a better way to stand out and to even make him want you than to just agree to everything he says now Audrey Ang about because I do your deal [Laughter] but are you a little deal right you stick around and I promise I'll bring it up in therapy at some point at some point not this week because I've got some work stuff to bring up this week but I promise you stick around love at some point I'll bring it up in therapy all right Cockney cruise that actually brings up a good point the the being in therapy and stuff thing where I think we can separate having empathy for someone's issues with like you say deciding this is now the reality that is dictated to us like you can say that sucks you're going through that that's really difficult but you still have the decision does this mean my reality completely compromises everything I need and I think if we're good-natured you can fall into a trap as well of what I call if x then Y where people go this person has so much great stuff on paper and if only they didn't have the previous trauma with the girlfriend issues If Only They Weren't uh didn't have a Wandering eye If Only They didn't have uh these mother issues that mean they never want to commit then ah if that block was gone then we would just be great and that person can also walk you into that mindset where they're like if only you know it sucks I have this and they might be true that they have them but it'd be like if only I didn't have that then we would be golden it's fantasy it's science fiction because that you don't have that so thinking if only we had that is you're now writing a science fiction novel a science fiction romance it's like someone goes oh if only Don Draper wasn't a Serial womanizer like you know the women in Don Draper's life if only he wasn't like that oh he'd be this great great man his great husband yeah and you know the other thing I I just I think is really important because I actually suspected early in the beginning of this episode Matt you said um you have to suspect yourself why are you compromising your needs just because he is a celebrity and a big deal and I think the answer to that is as I said because what if I don't find anyone else like him so if I let him go if I assert my standards he might walk away from me and then I don't have him anymore and I can't get myself another one I think it's really important in this to question where the values are in terms of what what Lisa is valuing in this relationship I'm not saying that's the only thing she's valuing I'm sure it's not what but what's she valuing and what's she getting yeah but also in terms of like the reason you think that this person is irreplaceable isn't because he's making you happy so you're valuing the totally wrong thing you know if you're saying I'm I'm so afraid I won't find someone else who makes me feel as good as alive as seen as heard who makes me laugh so much I have such great sex with fine one thing but if it's like who has so much status that's nothing that's not really anything you can work with that's never going to bring you happiness it has to be accompanied with so many years in order for it to be valuable if someone makes you excited and you have great sex with them and you have all these things and they're not meeting your needs they still can't make you happy no of course but what I mean is I think yeah absolutely and I think what but I think this is probably I just wanted to say that because Lisa will absolutely come back and say all of those things are true no exactly fair enough but I and I suppose I suppose I mean more can you be happy with this person long term do they possess qualities and traits that actually make you feel good in terms of safe and secure and not not insecure not like you're questioning yourself you don't know where you stand not that you're alone and all of these different things and I think yeah I just think in instead of being so afraid to lose him for his status just forget about that and look at the person you're losing and what he's actually bringing you if you strip him of all of that because all of that long term just doesn't matter if he doesn't make you happy it never will and it doesn't make him valuable as a standalone trait Jameson as I was reading this email originally when it came into the inbox there was a a name I coined Steve I'm wondering what you think of this this is the name I've coined for when men or anybody it's not just it's not just single out men but I think there's a we see this a lot in men have just the right amount of pain to get what they want but not give you what you want I'm calling it the Goldilocks pain paradox you you know you go into the house he he tries the he tries the cold porridge and goes oh to no no sex with you not seeing you a couple of nights a week too cold oh this this one one giving you a relationship actually being with you not sleeping with other people too hot getting exactly what I want but not giving you the things you want just right it's the ex it's the appropriate amount of pain to sell someone on to get everything you want while withholding the specific thing they want it's brilliant it really made me laugh when he said it to me just ask you just just the next time he tells you all of this stuff I want you to remember the Goldilocks pain Paradox he somehow has The Sweet Spot of pain that allows him to get all of his needs met while not meeting your needs it's quite specific amount of pain isn't it thanks for watching the video I hope you enjoyed it before you go head on over to moveonstrong.com where I give a free video training for anybody who is struggling to move on from someone in their life check it out at moveonstrong.com and I'll see you there

Channel: Matthew Hussey

Views: 578,156

Keywords: Matthew Hussey, Matt Hussey, Get The Guy, How to Get the Guy, Dating Advice for Women, attract men, keep your man, dating coach, relationship coach, relationship tips, what men want, make him like you, make him love you, how to talk to men, how to attract men, meet men, get the guy, tips for women, flirting tips, texting, calling, love advice, relationships, matt hussey, matthew hussy, mathew hussey, how to flirt

Id: z4doTLY5qPw

Length: 33min 48sec (2028 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 22 2022