YOU FEEL THAT ELECTRICITY? IT CAN ONLY BE ONE THING, IT IS
SUPER BOWL NIGHT, BABY. THIS IS THE NIGHT WHEN ALL
AMERICANS GATHER IN FRONT OF THE TV LIKE ONE EXTENDED FAMILY TO
WATCH THE PREMIERE OF "TRACKER." TRACKER:
HE'S A HUMAN AIR-TAG. ALSO THE FOOTBALL GAME.
AND WHAT A GAME IT WAS. FOR THE SECOND TIME
IN SUPER BOWL HISTORY, WE WENT TO EXTRA INNINGS.
SO I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE REAL WINNERS WERE CBS AD SALES.
IN OVERTIME, SAN FRANCISCO GOT THE BALL FIRST AND PUT IT
THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS FOR 3 POINTS.
AND BETWEEN THE TWO TEAMS, IS THIS TRUE?
THEY KICKED SEVEN FIELD GOALS IN THIS GAME.
I'M SORRY, BUT SINCE WHEN IS FOOTBALL PLAYED WITH
THE FEET? THEN, KANSAS CITY GOT THE BALL
BACK AND WOULD LOSE THE GAME IF THEY DID NOT SCORE.
YOU COULD HEAR SPHINCTERS SNAPPING SHUT ALL OVER THE
MIDWEST. [POPPING]
BUT PATRICK MAHOMES DROVE THE CHIEFS
DOWN THE FIELD FOR THIS GAME-WINNING SCORE.
RIGHT THERE, BOOM! [CHEERING]
COME ON. FINALLY.
HEY! FANTASTIC.
FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED FOR TAYLOR SWIFT!&
NOW, IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE GAME, TAYLOR'S BEAU, TRAVIS KELCE,
ARRIVED DRESSED LIKE A SPARKLY TRASHBAG.
ALSO BEFORE THE GAME STARTED, HOMELAND SECURITY SHOWED
A BUNCH OF COUNTERFEIT MERCHANDISE THEY HAD SEIZED.
OKAY? WHICH IS TOO BAD, I WAS LOOKING
FORWARD TO GETTING A T-SHIRT CELEBRATING "SUPER BOWEL CHAMPS
THE CANVAS CITY CHORFS!" GO, CHORFS!
THERE WAS ALSO A BIG BETTING OPPORTUNITY DURING THE
COMMERCIALS, AND IT INVOLVED RETIRED TIGHT END AND
GYM TEACHER WHOSE SEX ED PRESENTATION HAS JUST
GOTTEN UNCOMFORTABLE, ROB GRONKOWSKI.
YOU SEE, GRONK HAS BEEN APPEARING IN AN AD CALLED
THE FANDUEL "KICK OF DESTINY 2" WHERE FANS COULD PLACE A $5 BET
ON WHETHER HE WILL MAKE IT OR MISS A FIELD GOAL.
WELL, TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY. GRONK LINED UP THE KICK
AND MISSED WIDE RIGHT. OKAY, IT'S EMBARRASSING,
BUT NOT AS EMBARRASSING AS DOING THAT IN THE HELMET THEY NORMALLY
SERVE ICE CREAM IN. WE ALSO GOT OUR FIRST LOOK
AT THE TRAILER FOR "WICKED: PART ONE."
YEAH! WHICH IS WHY AT YOUR SUPER BOWL
PARTY, THAT ONE NEPHEW WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE GAME
SUDDENLY STARTED SCREAMING AND NEEDED A MINUTE
TO COLLECT THEMSELVES. THE FIRST HALF DIDN'T HAVE A LOT
OF ACTION. IT WAS ALMOST AN HOUR INTO
THE GAME BEFORE WE GOT OUR FIRST GLIMPSE OF TAYLOR
CELEBRATING A LONG COMPLETION BY KANSAS CITY.
BUT THEN THE CHIEFS IMMEDIATELY FUMBLED AND TRAVIS KELCE
WAS SEEN YELLING IN FRUSTRATION AT COACH ANDY REID.
I'M A PRETTY GOOD LIP READER, JIMMY.
PUT THAT BACK UP. I THINK HE WAS SAYING...
"YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND!
JEEZ LOUISE!" JEEZ LOUISE?
DID I GET THAT RIGHT? EVEN THOUGH HER BOY WAS ANGRY,
TAY-TAY STILL HAD FUN. AT ONE POINT, SHE WAS CAUGHT
CHUGGING HER BEER ON THE JUMBOTRON.
OKAY! [CHEERING]
HEY, PLEASE HAVE FUN, TAYLOR. BUT PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE
A DESIGNATED DRIVER FOR YOUR PRIVATE JET.
THEN THE NFL TWEETED HER BEER CHUG, ACCOMPANIED
SIMPLY WITH THE WORD "ICON." IF THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU
AN ICON, THEN MY AUNT RITA IS AN ICON-A-HOLIC.
HI, RITA! [CHEERING]
THERE WERE, AS USUAL, THERE WERE A LOT OF GREAT ADS.
EVEN MARTIN SCORSESE DIRECTED AN AD FOR SQUARESPACE.
OR SQUARE FACE. SCORSESE THE MOST BRILLIANT
DIRECTOR TO DO A SUPER BOWL AD SINCE INGMAR BERGMAN'S 1984 AD
FOR WENDY'S. [SPEAKING SWEDISH] SURE.
[APPLAUSE] SVEN.
THERE WERE ALSO ADS FEATURING THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY OF ALL,
THE LORD, WHO WAS FEATURED IN TWO SPOTS FROM THE
"HE GETS US" CAMPAIGN. AND HE GETS US IS SO APPROPRIATE
BECAUSE WE ALL REMEMBER THAT QUOTE FROM THE SERMON
ON THE MOUNT, "I'LL GET YOU.
I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO."
YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO I THINK HE SAYS AT ONE POINT.
LANGUAGE APP DUOLINGO BUCKED THE CELEBRITY TREND WITH THIS
5-SECONDAD. YES, IT LOOKS WEIRD,
BUT HIS ASS IS NOW FLUENT IN SPANISH.
OKAY, THE SCORE WAS 10-3 AT HALFTIME WHEN WE WERE TREATED
TO AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE BY USHER.
[CHEERING] THE THEME WAS "HELP,
I'M TRAPPED IN A JACK-O-LANTERN."
USHER SANG SO MANY OF HIS HITS LIKE...
WHO CARES WHAT HE SANG? LOOK AT THOSE ABS, BABY!
BARE NIPPLES AT THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW?
CBS IS BACK, BABY! ALL IS FORGIVEN!
GREAT PERFORMANCE BY USHER. HE WAS JOINED BY SOME
INCREDIBLE ARTISTS, INCLUDING ALICIA KEYES, LUDACRIS,
H.E.R., AND LIL JON. HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR
PERFORMANCE, LIL JON? >> WHAT?
>> Stephen: I SAID, HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR
PERFORMANCE? >> OKAY!
>> Stephen: HE IS HIS OWN HARSHEST CRITIC.
[APPLAUSE] WHAT?
BUT MAYBE THE BIGGEST NEWS FROM THE HALFTIME SHOW
IS HOW LITTLE IT PAYS TO BE IN IT, BECAUSE, WHILE IT DOES
OFFER EXTRAORDINARY LEVELS OF EXPOSURE, THE GIG COMES WITH
A $0 PAYCHECK. UH, LIL JON, YOUR THOUGHTS?
>> WHAT? >> Stephen: AFTER HALFTIME,
THE GAME BOGGED DOWN IN A SLOW DEFENSIVE
BACK-AND-FORTH, BUT THE BIG NEWS IS THAT VERIZON RELEASED
AN AD FEATURING BEYONCE, AND MOMENTS AFTER IT AIRED,
SHE ANNOUNCED A COUNTRY-THEMED "RENAISSANCE PART 2" ALBUM.
WOW, THAT IS INCREDIBLE. I CANNOT WAIT FOR
THE ALBUM TO DROP. I'M A HUGE FAN.
BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY, ANNOUNCING YOUR ALBUM DURING THE
SUPER BOWL HAS REAL "GETTING ENGAGED DURING
YOUR SISTER'S BABY SHOWER" ENERGY.
NOW, THE STAKES WERE NOT JUST HIGH OUT ON THE FIELD.
THIS SUPER BOWL SET A RECORD FOR BETTING WITH 1 IN 4
AMERICANS BETTING ON THE GAME.
TO WHICH AMERICANS RESPONDED, "ONE IN FOUR?
I LIKE THOSE ODDS! WHERE'S THE ATM?"
NO, I'M GOOD. I'M DOING A PAYOUT.
GAMBLERS ALSO BET ON THE LENGTH OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM,
WITH AN OVER/UNDER OF 90.5 SECONDS.
NOW, TECHNICALLY, AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT,
BETTING ON THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS ILLEGAL
IN THE U.S., WHICH IS WHY DRAFT KINGS AND FANDUEL ONLY
ALLOWED IT FOR CANADIAN BETTORS. HEY, CANADIANS, BET ON YOUR
OWN NATIONAL ANTHEM. AND TAKE THE UNDER ON
HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW THE WORDS. "O CANADA
IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME!"
IS THAT IT? IS THAT IT?
[APPLAUSE] CHINESE CHICKEN
YOU HAVE A DRUMSTICK AND YOUR BRAIN STARTS CLICKING.
GAMBLING ADS WERE ALL OVER THE BROADCAST TONIGHT.
ONE FOR THE SPORTSBOOK BET MGM FEATURED
VINCE VAUGHN, WAYNE GRETZKY, AND A LOT OF TOM BRADY.
YOU KNOW, AFTER HIS CRYPTO AD, YOU GOTTA RESPECT TOM'S
DEDICATION TO HELPING YOUR UNCLE LOSE THE REST OF HIS
MONEY. IF ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY WANTED TO
GO TO THE GAME, EXPERTS SAY THIS WAS THE PRICIEST SUPER BOWL
EVER, WITH SOME TICKETS ON SALE FOR $100,000.
THAT'S A LOT. BUT, OF COURSE, THE MEMORIES
WILL LAST A LIFETIME. UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF
THE PLAYERS. THAT YOUR TEAM
NOW, IF YOU'RE UPSET... THAT YOUR TEAM LOST TONIGHT,
YOU MIGHT BE PART OF A GROWING TREND:
ANGRY FOOTBALL FANS WHO KEEP PUNCHING THEIR TVS.
THIS IS TRUE. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> Stephen: BUT I DON'T WANT MY AUDIENCE DESTROYING THE DEVICE
THEY USE TO WATCH MY SHOW. AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO,
THANKS TO OUR NEW SPONSOR. >> SECOND AND EIGHTH ROW,
INCOMPLETE. >> IS YOUR SPORTS SEASON BEING
RUINED BY A LOVED ONE WHO CAN HANDLE IT WHEN THEIR TEAM LOSES?
TIRED OF CLEANING UP SHRAPNEL, NOT BEING ABLE TO WATCH YOUR
SHOWS AND WHAT ABOUT THE COST? THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY.
INTRODUCING THE SAMSUNG PORTABLE TV.
A RAGE RESISTANT FLAT SCREEN THAT'S TO RAGE, SLAM, THROW FROM
A BUILDING A DUMPSTER. LEAVING YOU TO ENJOY YOUR
LEISURE TIME IN PEACE. YOU'RE DOING GREAT, HONEY!
PUNCH BOWL TV WORKS NO MATTER WT BRINGS YOU TO THE GAME.
AND IT'S NOT JUST FOR SPORTS. >> IT'S NOT A REAL REPO!
PUNCH OF ALL TV SAVES YOU FROM ADDRESSING THE ROOT CAUSE OF
YOUR AGGRESSION. THE SAMSUNG PORTABLE TV.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MALE FRIENDS.
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT. SHUT UP.
THE SAMSUNG PUNCHABLE TV. GET YOURS BEFORE THE 2024
ELECTION. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT! MY GUESTS ARE JOHN KRASINSKI
AND RYAN GOSLING. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
WE MIGHT HAVE A VISIT FROM MY OLD FRIEND
JON STEWART. STICK AROUND.
