Speaking of Cults...What is Coercive Control and How to Stop It?

[Music] the speaking of Cults podcast is presented solely for General informational educational and entertainment purposes the use of information on this podcast or materials linked from it is at the user's own risk the views information or opinions expressed by the host and guests are solely those of the individuals involved and do not constitute medical or other professional advice hello and welcome to the speaking of Cults podcast I am very happy to be with you here this week and it's just you and me this time and I have brought papers and a little bit of a script this time because I wanted to make sure that I didn't miss anything in this particular episode uh talking about coercive control what it is how it manifests examples of of it how we can spot it how it makes us feel we're going to cover a lot in this show and I want um to be as detail oriented on this one as I can be which is why I wrote some bunch of stuff down here so let's go ahead and just get into it coercive control of course is uh defined let's go ahead and Define it first it's a it's a pattern of behavior and I want to be clear that we are talking right from the get go here in fact one of the most important parts of understanding coercive control is understanding that it is a repeating pattern of abusive behavior um it is behavior used by an individual to dominate manipulate intimidate and control another person often within an intimate or close relationship but not always coercive control manifests across a number of places or in in all kinds of spaces that people get involved in from uh spousal abuse or or domestic Partnerships to group situations at work at clubs at sports events or teams um at anything that a person is regularly part of you could say as a group and most especially when it is groups that are formed around or very centrally focused around ideological uh or core value belief system type things where we see this in ideological political groups religious activities lots and lots of that and of course uh we can broaden this out to the entire subject of human trafficking uh which utilizes all the methods of coercive control to victimize and uh abuse people uh for power and money the same kinds of methods and techniques are also utilized when in a in a domestic or spouse relationship uh or in a cult relationship okay um it is mostly used as a term by the way in the space of domestic abuse that's where you will most hear the term coercive control uh other places other spaces tend to use other terminology for it but this is changing over time as we spread the use of these Concepts and words uh Beyond just domestic or spousal abuse coercive control involves a range of tactics it is not one or two or three things almost any Behavior can be utilized to manipulate control a person or or a group of people and any kind of behavior that is used that way would fall under the idea here of coercive control it undermines the victim's autonomy their self-esteem and their independence creating a dynamic of power and control in the relationship that is imbalanced uh and this has to be understood as a purposeful premeditated Activity one does not not fall accidentally into coercively controlling another human being this is not something that is an an accident this is not a mistake that somebody makes it is a calculated campaign of activities that manipulate and control people around them uh from the perpetrator from the from the controller now in terms of and I wanted to go right into this right away because there are a number of categories of tactics that are utilized by people who do this starting with isolation according to the person who actually coined the term they recently deceased Evan Stark isolation manipulation and control are your three basic elements of coercive control so isolation obviously we start with that the perpetrator May gradually isolate the victim from friends family and support networks making them dependent solely on the perpetrator for social interaction and validation an example of this might be perpetrators who gradually isolate their partner by discouraging them from spending time with family or friends they could criticize the victim's Friends making derogatory remarks about them or implying that they're a bad influence over time the victim may feel compelled to distance themselves from their Social Circle to avoid the conflict that comes with the controlling personality this can be start very slow this can snowball over time it could start with uh critical remarks or statements and build up eventually to dominating screaming yelling about how the victim must not be part of that group associate with that person have that friendship anymore be part of that club it is an effort to isolate uh by basically blowing up the person's social networks professional life or anything else that needs to be blown up so as to maintain a complete dominating control over the Target or over the the victim and this by the way it needs to be uh noted right away uh so I get I I I will also lead with this that this is not a gender specific activity any human being can coercively control another human being gender actually has absolutely nothing to do with the behavior the tendency to engage in this Behavior appears to be more prominent among the among males especially in domestic Partnerships but that's a statistical point and not really relevant to the individual problem that you and I might face in our own lives statistically speaking females may not be the ones who dominate relationships or dominate groups or dominate you know Cults that doesn't mean that they can't or that you won't run into a female who will do that to you so it's important that we keep those statistics in perspective coercive control is something that can happen to anyone at any time in almost any situation now another tactic utilized by perpetrators of coercive control Beyond isolation is monitoring and surveillance this involves a constant monitoring of the victim's activities such as tracking their movements checking their Communications and demanding detailed explanations for their whereabouts it's not enough that you were out with friends what friends where when what were you doing if you're PL if you're making plans for the future it's going to be very carefully interrogated as to who these people are where you're going how long you're going to be gone what you're going to be doing uh to the point of invasiveness this is not just a casual curiosity from a caring partner or friend this becomes a bit of an interrogation and uh and especially again over time these are things that tend to build over time it starts subtly and grows as uh more and more control is uh is sort of as this as the relationship becomes more used to this new power Dynamic the E the the the amount of control that's exerted over the victim becomes greater for example now here are some examples of how this might manifest in some of what you might have seen or experienced yourself a perpetrator May install tracking apps on their partner's phone without their knowledge allowing them to monitor their movements at all times they might also demand access to the victim's email or social media accounts insisting on reading their messages and monitoring their interactions this constant surveillance creates a sense of fear and anxiety in the victim knowing that their every move is being scrutinized of course Partners or friends can keep tabs on each each other can mutually agree without coercion to uh to have tracking apps or to share information or to be open about you know what they're posting or saying or who they are meeting with but when it becomes um how should I say this overbearing when it is when it is imposing or impinging on your own sense of privacy on I when your own sense of identity your own sense of self to have somebody else constantly watching everything you're doing and demand accountability for every act you've engaged in then you may possibly be crossing over into coercive control territory so it is it has everything to do with willingness and with fear and anxiety all right another tactic utilized here is manipulation and gaslighting and we're all familiar with or so many people are now with this term gaslighting but we're going to be very specific here in talking about gaslighting because this is a word that tends to be grossly misused these days in the same way that terms like narcissism are grossly misused and because they are overused and they become watered down and the true meaning of these terms becomes lost in the in the shuffle and so I want to be clear here that gaslighting like coercive control is not an accident it's not a one-off it's not a lie it's not a deception gaslighting is more than that it is a repeating pattern of deceptive behavior in order to create mental unrest and uncertainty in the Target to get them doubting their own reality and sense of self so that they have to give over control of their very personality and sense of reality to the perpetrator to the controller to the partner the cult leader if you will any of these contexts utilize gaslighting routinely to make a person doubt their own reality and sense of self the perpetrator here in the case of exerting coercive control and manipulation May distort reality manipulate facts or deny their abusive Behavior making the victim doubt their own perceptions and memory this is also key is by messing with people's heads in terms of their ability to remember things gaslighting can lead the victim to question their very sanity or feel like they are at least overreacting to the situation uh some examples of this might include uh engaging in uh repeatedly denying abusive Behavior shifting blame onto the victim if the victim confronts the perpetrator about their controlling Behavior they may resp respond by saying things like you're overreacting or you're imagining things I've never done that over time the victim May begin to doubt their own perceptions and reality and finally then not finally but also moving on here there are threats and intimidation and this is where the gloves come off this is where it becomes more obvious and this tends to be middle late stage sort of behavior on the part of coercive controllers when it comes to actual blatant threats and intim ation but believe me these behaviors come out before too long and they can be quite dominating uh they can use threats of violence uh harm to loved ones or other forms of intimidation to maintain control and compliance over the victim and this could even include threats towards pets or animals or possessions not just other people a perpetrator may use uh threats of violence to intimidate their partner into compliance for example they may say things like if you leave me I'll make sure you never see the kids again or I'll ruin your reputation if you try to leave these threats instill fear in the victim making them feel powerless and trapped in the relationship which is exactly what they are and that's exactly the point of these kinds of threats is to maintain dominance over the person perpetrators may use their physical size or strength to intimidate and control the victim this could involve threats of violence or physical aggression such as blocking the victim's path invading their personal space or using physical Force to assert dominance and let's take a look here for example at social groups or clubs or activities where you have a leader or certain members who are a bit aggressive a bit dominating a bit in your face such people can become uh very powerful in in groups because nobody else speaks out against them because they're too afraid to and they can tend to be very dominating they can even take control over groups it's not always the leader who is the dominating force it could be some member Rises up takes control and uh and is exerting coercive control to do so the perception of physical superiority reinforces the power imbalance in the relationship and can make the victim feel powerless to resist there is also specifically Financial abuse and this is uh rampant in domestic uh partnership situations but it also very much EX exerts itself in group situations uh this involves controlling the victim's access to financial resources such as money credit cards or employment making them financially dependent on the perpetrator and here we can even look to groups like Scientology which demand that you make advanced payments towards your fi your next services or uh groups of services that you're going to do whether it's Scientology auditing or training and that sort of puts you in the uh control of or at least under the influence of the organization that you have paid money to because you could this could then go into a sunk cost fallacy quite literally where because you have paid so much money into a thing you you feel you must stick it out stay with it keep going even though it is not really helping you it is actually actively harming your life uh now as far as some other examples here we might have a a perpetrator controlling all the finances in the relationship giving the victim little to no access to money or resources this is very common a lot more common than you might imagine they might withhold funds for basic necessities such as food or clothing or prevent the victim from working or having their own income the last thing a domestic partner who is abusive wants is for their victim to be financially independent because then they can just get up and walk out any time uh the financial dependency also makes it difficult for the victim to leave because they will fear that they're unable to support themselves or their children they may also restrict access to other things not just money but also Vehicles passports identification uh use of Technology making it difficult for them to seek help or connect with support networks outside the relationship there is emotional abuse and this is a constant component of coercive control it heavily heavily leverages our emotional needs against us the perpetrator is becomes familiar with the victim uh become becomes familiar with their habits and patterns and with their emotional makeup in fact they kind of study that very carefully in getting to know their victim what are their hates what are their fears what are their likes what are their dislikes I'm drawing that right out of hubard in Scientology because that's how they determine how to best victimize somebody as they find out those things well it's very far from elron hubard who came up with that idea coercive controllers do that sort of thing all the time they're trying to find out what it is that drives their victim so that they can set up all the landmines around those emotional needs and thereby control the person emotional manipulation verbal degradation and demeaning Behavior are common tactics to undermine the victim's self-esteem and confidence the perpetrator May exhibit extreme jealousy or possessiveness constantly monitoring the victim's interactions with others questioning their loyalty or love or dedication becoming angry or suspicious if they spend time away they may engage uh in further emotional abuse by constantly criticizing and belittling the victim they might call them names insult their intelligence or appearance or undermine their accomplishments they may also play the victim or portray themselves as the sole source of support and stability in the victim's life making it difficult for the victim to assert their own needs or desires this can be quite overwhelming it's all about the other person and anytime you know your own needs and wants come up oh those are always in the back seat we'll get to those later right now what's important to my needs and wants right this is this is the perpetrator talking so yeah this emotional degradation chips away at the victim's self-esteem and makes them more vulnerable to the perpetrator's control it is this and this again is a way of how they enact the power imbalance is it's all about them it's never about you as the victim and finally we have privilege as a manipulative tactic or or strategy the perpetrator May assert their superiority or entitlement in the relationship demanding special treatment or privileges while restricting the victim's freedoms and choices perpetrators May leverage their social status or reputation to manipulate and control the victim they might use their influence within Social Circles or communities to discredit the victim spread rumors or lies about them or manipulate others into siding with them against the victim this can be particularly effective in situations where the perpetrator holds positions of authority making it challenging for the victim to challenge their behavior or seek support and this is uh something that we can see rampant on social media as well so this is a behavior that tends to be more common than you might imagine till you start looking for it all right the personality traits now when we look to why is it that people would do this to other people what would what would what would motivate somebody to dominate other people why would that be a tactic or a strategy that they would find useful or pleasing to them well it's not all just about sadism or or uh you know the narcissism it's not just about those two things there can be uh other things going on but it tends to fall under that umbrella quite a bit now obviously narcissist M or psychopathy is a motivational force that drives people to coercively control other people there's a lack of empathy a inflated self sense of self-importance and a manipulative nature are often seen in narcissists and Psychopaths this is absolutely true it's how they manage to get through life we call them Predators it's a it's a better term than narcissist or psychopath because not all narcissists are actually actually malignant or controlling or dominating some narcissists just want to be left alone some narcissists never engage in coercive control they're just all about themselves but Predators as a term very clearly are people who are victimizing and dominating other human beings or even you know hurting them so rather than you use narcissist or psycho psychopath I think Predator fits better there is also so and this can also come from people who are not narcissistic Predators but there can be such mental insecurity and uncertainty that the person feels the only way that they can have a healthy relationship or a healthy uh social standing in their estimation is to engage in this dominating and manipulative Behavior they may feel insecure about themselves or their relationships or they may feel that in the past they have been dominated and controlled and so now it's time to turn the tables on the world and they're going to be the ones in charge and they're going to be the ones calling the shots and to hell with anybody who has anything to say otherwise and they might find that this behavior is not necessarily socially acceptable and so they have to dial it down a little bit and then become a bit more covert in the way that they go about they're domination because they haven't given up the goal they just gave up the more aggressive you know overt methods or forms of that and so they'll fall back to more deceitful manipulative tactics but they do this out of a sense of intense insecurity and uncertainty about themselves uh probably due to past traumas there is also just straight up entitlement as we talked about earlier they just simply feel that they have the right to dictate how their partner or associate should behave this can be a result of upbringing this can be a result of religious beliefs this can be a result of ideological beliefs uh it is not a statement of criticism of religion as a subject or Politics as a subject to recognize that some people don't do so well in those Arenas and sometimes those topics can be the source of intense extreme belief to the point where the belief becomes more important than the human beings that the belief or activity or actions exerted on them right by those beliefs that the beliefs are more important than the people the beliefs become dogmatic they become cult-like and when you are Crossing Lines toward the direction of hurting people or even killing people because of those beliefs that would definitely be the definition of privilege wouldn't it because you're putting your own needs and desires and beliefs wholly above the livelihood and survival of anyone around you uh yeah that would be privilege and of course uh there are simply manipulative personalities they're not necessarily people who are who are trying to destroy or kill or or hurt but they end up doing so through their manipulations there are people who uh just get off on controlling other people it's a it's a strange and interesting personality problem Quirk you could say now recognizing the red flags of coercive control is crucial for people I've given some examples today already of of how you might see this Behavior manifest but there are also things that can happen to a victim over time that can tell them or clue them off that maybe they're in a situation that they shouldn't be in or a relationship they shouldn't be in or they've joined a group that they very much should not be part of and they can tell this not from necessarily just the behavior of others but how they feel when thinking with or involved with that person or group for example feeling fearful or anxious around a partner or friend or group especially when anticipating their reaction to certain actions or decisions the feeling isolated from friends family or support networks due to a partner's influence if you suddenly look up one day and realize that your F you haven't talked with your family in a year or two and you used to be talking with them all the time or you haven't visited any other friends lately you've just been sort of coed around at home this kind of thing it can be a red flag experiencing a loss of autonomy and Independence in decision-making finances or personal activities there is nothing that the coercive controller wants more than to create dependency in their victims they want that person to be utterly reliant on them as the as the controlling Force for every little thing constantly walking on eggshells or feeling like you need to tiptoe around the other person's mood or demands perpetrators May exhibit unpredictable mood swings alternating between charm and affection one moment and anger or aggression the next this roller coaster of emotions can keep the victim off balance and unsure of how to act or respond further reinforcing the perpetrator's control and finally experiencing a significant shift in personality self-esteem or confidence since entering the relationship and again domestic relationship group relationship same same how do you feel about it and how do you feel about it over time and can you remember or recall good moments in the same volume or number as as bad there should be more there should be a lot more moments of good survival happy joyous experiences in any relationship or certainly not harmful damaging um destructive events or arguments or insults and this kind of thing so what's the balance there in a coercive situation it is always unbalanced there is always more good or sorry more bad than there is good there is more negative than there is positive and yet it can take an awful lot of honest look looking and and examining to be willing to acknowledge that because again that codependency component is important the coercive controller wants the victim to feel dependent utterly and completely on the perpetrator so they will create all kinds of mental psychological landmines that the victim has to walk around so carefully to not have go off that they might just feel so exhausted by having to exert all that energy all the time doing that that they just don't even want to go there and they just sort of okay fine and they just put up with things and they become habituated to putting up with things that they never would have agreed to when the relationship first started or outside of the relationship they wouldn't put up with anybody doing this to them but they will in the relationship again whether it's a cult or a group or a club or an individual that a person is in a relationship with so if you suspect that you are a victim of coercive control there are steps you can take to protect yourself first number one is reach out for support and obviously watching podcasts like this getting educated that kind of thing very very supportive talk to trusted friends family members or professionals who can provide support and help you assess your situation objectively and that's really important because we can lose sight of objectivity when we get involved in you very emotionally impactful relationships where we're in love with someone or we are in a state of awe and Euphoria over a cult leader or his methods or techniques or this new diet or this new method or this new thing that you're signed up for and it's all so thrilling and all so exciting and isn't this the best of all possible worlds and we can be very very reluctant to want to question that or want to think maybe this isn't everything it's cracked up to be and that is necessary that we do that reflection though when we are feeling like we're walking on eggshells when we feel like things aren't so great when we feel like I don't know that this is you know when we start having all these questions and concerns that is the time to really seriously take the rose-colored glasses off and take a good hard look at the situation and that often will require the help of outside observers like friends family Etc or obviously professionals now if you find you're in a situation where there is coercive control being exerted against you it is important that you document the abuse uh keep a record of any abusive incidents including dates times and details of what happened just even if you had to keep it in a little notepad you keep in your back pocket with a little pencil and you just make little notes here and there in you know hidden away from the abuser you obviously would not be wanting to do these things or do this documentation overtly challengingly right in the face of the controller That Could That Could ramp it up and make the abuse go from psychological to physical uh or worse and bring even more uh you know issues and abuse down on you so um but documentation is important it can be helpful if you decide to seek legal protection or support or if you want to make a case to even friends or family if you that's necessary as well as to law enforcement sometimes the people in the social circle around the controlling personality are so sold on what a great person that controlling dominating Predator is that they would never imagine that behind closed doors this person is a psychological or even physical abuser and I um and I need to stress that coercive control of of course is not just is not just um physical abuse it it's all this psychological stuff and and controlling dominating real world stuff that goes on as well as documenting the abuse you also want to create a safety plan and this is actually for real um plan ahead for how you will respond to abusive situations including identifying safe places to go and people to contact in case of emergency this is the exact opposite of what the controlling Predator wants they're trying to isolate and manipulate the person and cut ties off with any social network or support system so maintaining or creating even on a covert level other social network support systems uh super important uh and something that uh one can plan for over time of course seeking professional help uh someone can consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to help process the experiences rebuild self-esteem and develop coping strategies that could be that sometimes you just need a trained professional to help you out with that um also and this can be particularly difficult for people but this is a real this is a real important one in terms of actions to take and that is knowing your rights in the first place it's unfortunate but true that a great many people especially those raised in semi-authoritarian or authoritarian environments where a great deal of control was exerted on his children such people have a real hard time with independent thinking or with being their own person and they don't know that they have rights they have civil rights they have human rights these are things that are acknowledged internationally but are not always acknowledged in specific churches or groups or Cults and and it can be and a person can be convinced or made to believe that they don't have any rights or that their rights are only granted by the controlling manipulative Predator that it that the only thing they have going for them is this person in their life and they need to do anything and everything to keep that person happy and keep that person front and Setter and raised on a pedestal so um that's not right that's not a healthy relationship ship and that is definitely not good a good place to be in terms of mental health codependency and uh and dominating personalities and this kind of thing are are the last thing that anyone needs in their life in order to have a healthy relationship or have a healthy mental uh Outlook and finally of course uh the last thing that you can do if you find out that you're in a situation like this is end the relationship just move on uh ultimately and this is this is a real this is this is going to be a hard message to get across to people sometimes when they are in a situation like this but ultimately your safety and well-being are Paramount if the coercive control continues despite your efforts to address it consider ending the relationship and seeking support to rebuild your life it is important to remember that coercive control is a form of abuse and no one not any child not any woman not any man deserves to be subjected to it yeah so if you know someone who is experiencing this or you yourself are well you came to the right place this is exactly the channel which will have information and tools for you to use to uh to deal with this and of course you can contact any trained Professionals in your area personally and directly to get one-on-one help uh again whatever the context whatever the situation whatever you know however you find yourself the victim of this you don't have to be and there is no reason for you to continue to be you can stop it immediately and if you can't stop it today make a plan so that you can stop it tomorrow or the next day or the next as soon as you possibly can getting out from Financial domination and emotional psychological abuse and gaslighting is hard no one ever said that any part of this is going to be easy it is emotionally taxing even exhausting it can be financially draining it can uh tear apart your life your professional life your personal life it can feel horrible and that's all from that's all emanating from and coming from the predator making your life that way so the faster you can get away from that and do something about it the better and no matter how small it is that you think you can do something it's better than nothing right any step forward any step away from this is a positive step so don't let that overwhelm or the emotional Devastation of this experience May make you uh quit or stop or give up because it is possible to move on from a coercive relationship or situation get your life back pick yourself back up and move on as an independent thinker and operator in your own life creating your own path forward that is where I would like to see you that's where I'd like to see everybody in life right and uh so I hope that this information today helped enable you to do that that was the point all right and with that I will see you guys next week thank you very much for coming and listening to this I hope it was useful uh informative educational and entertaining and on that I will see you next week bye-bye

Channel: Chris Shelton, MSc

Views: 634

Keywords: psychology, sociology, social media, undue influence, Scientology

Id: PXG6HbgW7lc

Length: 40min 14sec (2414 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 06 2024