Series 12 David Mitchell Highlights - Would I Lie to You?

this is very high-level play take that Moriarty so first of all what is the German version of peep show called it's called it's called camera heads or camera heads injure in German I think it's camera coffin cuffin it hasn't been on yet it hasn't been on yet it hasn't been online where does it stop peep shows had it stay as a net [Applause] put down of Lee that was unprovoked I love you and I I loved the peep show when it was on a time ago I mean I feel like the German peeps I would have been looking to cast it along well what series are they on they filmed the first series and it's on soon so he's never maybe they hate it no we give everything a go [Laughter] be a great great title for history of Germany [Applause] what sort of money was attached in question I'm not David Attenborough I don't know excuse me a chimpanzee even though it looks like a monkey isn't a monkey well-spotted I deliberately said even though a chimp it's totally in every meaningful way obviously it's a monkey it's not a monkey you know it's a special place that's been made by biologists for pedants to reside so that whenever anyone refers to a chimpanzee as a monkey like you did then like me it says oh no a chimpanzee isn't a monkey and I've started to hate myself for that nice of you to join the rest of us so you only get maybe food yeah what were your stalls like [Applause] I think questions ever been asked before having been an active father with nappy changing I know the effect that that stuff has on your system I think there's a trajectory what you're talking about is when a baby goes from just having milk to having the first baby food there is a marked change in the nature of the stool basically it turns into normal excrement which is not very nice from being extremely you know the most pleasant of the excrements is tively nice substance of all the excrement is definitely my favorite okay just say David on behalf of the same thank you for getting us past Sean's awkward begin if you like I'll rank all of the excrements I would prefer horse to dog wouldn't no one puts dog on their roses tell you what why don't you relax for them why did you go to the shop and think I'll take a gulp of air and hold your breath till you get there it started on a day where I had had a problem with cereal hiccups one way of getting rid of hiccups is to hold your breath but I was also going to the shop and I was trying to hold my breath as long as possible I'll pass the corn the shop from your house David for miles it's I mean it's it's it's yards wide you take the gulp earlier that day is it before the moat or approximately how many houses are there from you to the corner shop I think 25 but these are just estate workers cottages very very quickly demonstrated for us you want me to walk back and forth across the set holding my breath yes and that in your view would achieve something I won't be able to talk you through it which is one of the many reasons this is such an ill-fated idea shall we be your wife and child without what at home yeah no yeah me you could be a grandfather clock and a piano so you're saying goodbye to two Lucy a lovely wife and your boy who shot up see Dad yeah all right you get to the front gate morning David I'm stuck here with a baby in your parade II really I'm done we said my flies are undone I just exhale them when are they so when you when you there on the one showed you to exchange gifts do you and Matt Baker do you Baker got me a variety of gifts over the years last year a cup and saucer one of those you've put in a posh cupboard in your kitchen there's only one ever and it's in that one it's nice I always think in your house to put a few things aside for people to pack away when you're dead I won't be touching that again but someone will have to deal with all right well David what do you think I think we'll all die one day how old were you when you had these Besant 30 I said it was three years ago well known you can't learn anything after the age of 27 that's it whatever you can do when you're 27 that's what you do forget anything else how is parenting going this I want you to let the tears flow whenever Rob pops it up a woman cries okay okay hello darling hello darling I'm afraid I'm running off with Albert I was a guitar teacher Albert oh well even after I voted for brexit I just couldn't help myself I've only they trigger article 50 more quickly he'd be gone by now and getting some political satire yes sorry I will try and keep it together [Applause] washing your hands everyone even if there's a wears gloves yes because I was coloring my own hair so let's come in the packet if it doesn't go out there darling leave it when you do yours do you wear gloves or do you just do mine the dye going on you know I just get it at the team of people I think you know you can't afford to take risks with your look yeah this is Paul and every Christmas I sing carols to Paul's cows what's the actual purpose of this lots of things you give thanks it's Christmas and probably you know that the cows are gonna be in for the job well I was about to say if you really want to thank the cow in a way that would mean something to the creature you've got to let him go does that make any sense at all what you thank you them for then for you then don't get you're thanking them for it their forthcoming deliciousness you've got to do it in advance because afterwards they can't hear you we didn't kill the cows yourself that's the system I think don't kill that cows yourself I think that's very messy and upsetting let's send them to an abattoir lovely abattoir a pampering abattoir it's like a spa but with knives so David remind us again this is Paul and while browsing in a bathroom showroom he persuaded me to hop in a tub with him to test whether it would fit him and his wife did he approach what was the conversation well he approached me and said he recognized me from the television all right on which I have appeared oh you had yeah I'm David Mitchell t-shirt on again did you what were you shopping for that day a small basin or sink a small one a small one don't treat yourself it was what I was looking for with to human scale what was going through your mind when a complete stranger walks up to you and says I know you from the telly will you get into the bathtub with me like that it didn't happen like that but tell us another version how it did he initially said I liked your work on television yeah I'm gonna say it he asked for a selfie we took a selfie so very nice I was filling my look we know it's not an accident we're in this business on some level we have an emptiness inside that we need approval of strangers a little bit with the approval of a stranger was making me feel a bit better about much thank you very much and briefly and then it turned out he had an ulterior motive I need you to act this up because we're all talking about this like it's sensible to intimate and this we were clothed which way rounded you sit opposite each other with your legs no we both have the same end of course we sat on opposite end did you check did you choose the tap the non topo was in the middle for an actual rational human being to think mmm I wonder if uh fit in this massive bath with my wife I'll ask this minor celebrity [Applause] Elton John was in the shop he said No [Music] I'd seen your dad on goggle box yeah he doesn't strike me as a kind of man that's ripping that right bean off I think he's just gonna like squash it and buy a new one just kill a fish I mean I have to say you can just kill a fish and there are many restaurants that trade exclusively on that premise I mean if you think he's going to these place and they all died of natural causes sorry we're not frying tonight we're waiting for a card pandemic at some point it's like one of those buddy buddy cop movies isn't it where the two different cops have been paired together I really don't think this is going to work but we'll give it a go impression of big nasty you put your slippers on the wrong feet to remind you you've got something to do yes as I like a knot in the handkerchief yes I stopped carrying handkerchief around the house in sort of the mid 19th century yeah I still carry a handkerchief I won't get it out because of course it's encrusted that's not your spot the generation gap here my phone now to remind me but the bins out later I love the way you leant forward so happy that as well I set in a lot cooler with his shoes on the wrong feet if I find out the producer of this show has pulled out his children speak for the sake of this show will generally say well done mate you can probably buy children's teeth online what's he gonna say it's that bizarre only Bob could make it up so I think that doesn't make sense [Laughter] Bob can make the top like that right convincing yeah so we're in trouble aren't we if anyone else had said it would definitely be true because they couldn't have invented it the one person who is saying it is also coincidentally the only human look but also what a terrible sense of service we're in Spain was this it was in Salamanca and I slept on a bench right dead center of a square how are you washing your clothes I didn't well how many pairs of pants did you up I'm gonna say four but four for a month for that washing them so far it could be seven going off I hate to support your own team mate against usually going to a place for a month you might decide that you're not gonna take enough underwear to have a fresh pair of pants every day without ever washing how many pairs of pants do you own I think I've probably got about I've got maybe look at you desperate I [Music] think I've got about 14 pairs I'm happy with yeah four or five that would do at a pinch and I use the word advisedly boxers or bikini briefs predominantly it's interesting that this is what the cameras believe is referred to as a sort of trunk you see the trunk yeah your jockey short like a boxer shorts shape but ties look I just take my trash once I did a backflip in a supermarket and landed in his trolley to my knowledge there are two parts of a backflip the second part is doing the backflip the first part is having a quick look behind you to check there isn't a trolley that's not part of the backflip is it you can't say there's two parts of a backflip the second part is doing the back part of writing a symphony the second part is writing a symphony the first is the day before you write as in this is Justin he tried to recruit me to his underground ping-pong club after being wowed by my skills with the bat to be absolutely clear what you're saying apart from me and Rob you have another friend you see you said David in your in your statement he was wowed yes by your table tennis yeah I've seen you play table tennis but I don't picture you as being particularly adept at any sport you don't mind me saying that don't I okay good to know because I I was wondering what I was experiencing talk me through your serve we're sort of go bog stunts don't you don't you don't do no no because I'd like to heat my tongue in my mouth [Laughter] right ready okay please it's your forehand you idiot I couldn't see the balls invisible sufficient imagination are you if you were a better actor robbief know which side that you think do you want me to serve to you David don't stop playing with him [Applause] so there you were playing table tennis in this underground carpark and what you did round him enough to say please join our team that well firstly he'd invited me to see that club so I I didn't just turned up and he saw me across a crowded under the ground it's not suggesting romance was involved seeing people across a crowded area doesn't mean there's romance in typically the expression I saw him or her cross infers romance implies some charlatans we're making furniture this so you think they were Charlotte they weren't just sincerely making dolls house furniture they were trying to pass off dolls house furniture as full-size Furniture online when surprised by the comparatively inexpensive postage and packing how much was it Sarah yeah 35 pounds five quid sorry 35 quid one of them I was disappointed every night to cram in as much learning as possible I read a book while simultaneously listening to a completely different audiobook but I only really do this into two to three weeks before any major general knowledge quiz if you're a big quitter I'm a big I'm the fifth ranked quiz in the United Kingdom which is right I don't both listen to one read one and they've got one on Braille as well what was the other book again a Trevor Montague's eh-2-zed of everything if one's allowed to advertise on a BBC TV show it's well I think we should say other impenetrably boring books are so you're in Thailand yeah talk us through the the tattoo parlor they use the tourists coming in all the time and they have multiple beds if I remember correctly classy kind of establishment and then you you choose out of a book what you want yeah and then you kind of got a book I love I love the number four Jamie one of the number five with rice it's neither a restaurant Nora brothels my new establishment it is is a tattoo parlor with beds and a low standard of administrative competence the storm on this stag weekend everything what do you think oh well that's the wrong way to unfeasible things are less likes to be true although the true things are deliberately picked to be unlikely exactly I travel here by car for example never come up that would be easy just check something yeah how do you get a car yeah it's a class thing you know they still shouldn't make me drive your car this is Shabs and he's taught his parrot to say nice shoes Dave whenever I enter his cobblers and what sort of voice does the parrot have could you give us a taste of the parrot I'm so sorry a flavour you you want me to do an impression not so much an impression more and evocation I suppose it would be sort of I'd I don't know what it's gonna sound like until it comes out I'm listening to it at the same time as you nice shoes Dave the most horrible thing you've ever done horrible things look it's a parrot you know it sound like a parrot are you sure it's not just a rather exotic man that works with sharks obviously what you've got to understand is what you heard there wasn't the parrot that was me that parrot sounds like a man pretending to be a parrot like that did it any parrot worth his salt would say [Applause] listen Rob you're in the chair if you want to do a parrot impression at any point you can just do it we don't have to go around this ridiculous process the bill I doubt is the fact that you're going to the Cobblers so regularly because yeah that would be the actions of a man who cares what he looks like do you want me to show you my shoes yes please should we have a look and see if they're worn oh nice shoes day yeah these are never been you seem to be spending a lot of effort on the shoes and less effort to iron your trousers I didn't realize my offer to show you my shoes was going to lead to mockery last Christmas my brother bought me this iPad I've never turned it on but I have used it to kill a wasp and carry three mugs of hot chocolate please to write the most of hot chocolate for go sorry who the most of hot chocolate for say I'm now without thinking no three people it's alive poor David they were for for my wife for me and for my mother where are you taking them to I was taking them from the hot chocolate making room chocolate can Sam Torian yes did you kill the wasp with the glass side or the non glass there non glass side how hard did you hit it well it's dead it wasn't like a great sweepings you know smash was it made of a sort of a press and leaned security with my terrified whimpers certain point it settled on a flattish surface and then I went in with the press and lean if you kill wasp you don't slowly press it like a psychopath he does the push and press because he knew that there wasn't any I'm not saying I like gradually as soon as I was pressing I pressed quickly I didn't want to extend it suffering I wasn't whispering stories about you find the room he's getting smaller the only plant ni getting a bit what next try and move a wing oh you can it's time to take a guess it's a lie is a lie like David will you tell him the truth who eats having a life who's telling it was genuinely invited to Harry and Megan's wedding today but I said no because I had to come here and do this I got the invite that said the wedding is going to be at 12 o'clock and I thought in my head no one would say 12 o'clock meaning that's when the wedding is that would mean you know you turn up at 12 o'clock and then you go through all the rigmarole of security bla bla bla and actually the weddings gonna be about two then you've got out some ceremony then you've got the meal I wasn't gonna get you because it's like when you buy theater tickets the time it's just when they think you should leave hope why were you invited well that David is as much of a shock to me as it is to for example Prince Harry or Megan mark well I've met Prince Harry and he was very nice and he did say that he was a fan of this show so he's definitely seen me because I'm on this show this is true it's a bit of a blow to me and Rob this is I well I wasn't invited maybe Rob was as well hey I really can't say I think we know if Rob was invited would be able to say interesting so if you were buds because as soon as I got the invite I met Prince Ari and I know he's a fan of the show so I immediately assumed that you two had been invited as well so I went to phone you and I phoned you first and I put the phone down because I didn't want to ask in case you haven't been invited I thought it wouldn't be a good idea it'll be it'll be a horrible thing to let slip even if it wasn't in public I appreciate you're angry very angry and very hurt and very bruised whether this is true or not because my my thought processes have gone down the lines of it being true and and it feels like I've been through it emotionally even if I haven't okay um I think it's on I'd love it to be true but I think it's on my wouldn't this has been it's been one of the most psychologically damaging quarters so I couldn't I don't think I could pronounce the words I think this is true though I just did I think we're gonna say lie I've a horrible feeling in my stomach that it's true it's like waiting with a specialist for a result ironically if this is true when that moment comes for both of us it'll just be a mercy tell us they think it's a lie I prayed it isn't true well I hope that's the last question of the evening well thank you for watching see oh there's something else as well sorry I've got to tell you this as well which is quite important this is a true story as well I was like [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: WILTY? Nope!

Views: 6,069,740

Keywords: WILTY

Id: _4xQu0CJXsE

Length: 31min 43sec (1903 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 17 2019