A Mega Collection of School Stories | Would I Lie To You?

okay I was once substituted Midway through a school football match because I'd fallen asleep in goal how did this come about do you like football I love football um I'm I played soccer raid with Philly last year and I scored he scored I was get obviously I'm familiar with that that's very much the aim of the football score is was that why you fell asleep cuz you thought I don't care about this I'm never going to score when I was have to stand here when I was younger I used to love playing PlayStation a lot and at the time it was like Modern Warfare 2 that come out and I was on it 24/7 so I remember the night before I went bed at like 3:00 a.m. I've never felt so old someone's saying when I was young I played Modern Warfare on Playstation you see I just don't understand what those words put together mean I'm just wonder if I'm showing any other signs of a stroke what age were you at this time 14 15 and was gold your normal position no I was actually a Winger but the keeper was sick so I was like the fastest in the team so I just doesn't that mean good no sick has black I have told you before it's too late to try and get down with the kids if you were very fast on the wing normally yeah why were they putting you in goal cuz I was a captain you chose yourself to put yourself go yeah as the captain you got a lead by example is it so you get into the goal and what happens then um I actually felt it it wasn't like a deep sleep but I was a fell asleep standing up just like that stand oh yeah so you were standing against the gopost were you supporting no no just in the middle in the middle in the middle my teacher/ coach Mr langum just shouted on the sideline Philly and then all right and then and then you and then throughout the game he told the two Center halfes big up Craig and tan big up Craig yeah Craig is my boy so it's like big UPS just like hi Craig it's just like slang for saying hi Craig oh forget who are you playing against our biggest rival sedu and did they score any goals against you did you let anything through they did I can't remember how many but I you wouldn't you were asleep you were asleep take us back to the substitution right so the the guy goes off is that right and you take over no from the start I inan goal ain't no one listening to what I'm saying the regular goalie is ill yeah so sick thought I thought you meant he got sick no no Sor B up big up big up all right so see that's how you do it what do you think two for lives I think let's go true I I'll tell you why it's definitely true if ever I've seen a natural Captain it's Philly yes it's Philly that's a very good leadership to say it's me sat in the middle though it no Lee Lee for now for now okay David Mitchell I think the captain putting himself in goal I believe that will go true okay okay Philly was it true or was it a lie it is a lie he convinced you it's a lie Philly didn't fall asleep B go I once failed an acting exam after my plan to impress the teacher backfired right least okay right what age was this 18 so you're doing your a level for drama theater studies theater studies and what was your plan the plan was I needed to cry during a monologue and I was doing a Dublin accent oh give us a little blast oh no because your parents are Irish they're not from Dublin I've met her family I met her sister I'm introduced her to my wife Tara and I said this is Tara um who's very beautiful ridiculously beautiful yes it doesn't seem right does it I'll tell you I'll tell you how unright it seems she went oh did you did you meet after he was like sort of a well-known comedian and she went no before which is true we met before I ever did comedy and she went oh did he save your life or something that was unbelievable I didn't he know f minutes okay so this was a sad monologue sad monologue and I a woman she's leaving a pram at the airport and I needed to cry and I needed the grade for my uni application I needed to pass theater studies my plan was to use an onion to make myself cry so that I really you know like Oscar baate get the exam well you weren't intended to do the monologue and the start cutting now I I went had onion in my pocket with like an entry area so I could stick my hands in so I touched my eyes without him seeing that you put your hand just sort of I was doing my Act was like I have a sudden life a mad circus and I was just touching my eyes good accent that was the accent was it that was the accent very good thanks Rob and so I do that and then I touch my eyes and then I thought oh actually it's quite a bit longer to go on this bit and obviously so I'm not meant to be at the tears bit yet and then obviously my eye starts going and I'm just like trying to keep it together cuz I'm not meant to be crying yet and then I have to get the pram to bring it off the stage I can't see and I finished the monologue like that and uh and I have to just walk off did he find out the teacher oh yeah she came up she came up to sh up and she went onion what are you thinking then Maya I don't know I think dedication to the cause but onions are that shape aren't they so you'd see a little bulge in whatever jacket and stuff that you had on I I don't think she would do it I think it's someone might have done it but I don't I don't think you don't think it's true okay well I'm going to say then it's a lie you're saying it's a lie right roshen truth or lie it is [Music] true yes it's true Rosen really did use an onion to make herself cry okay well I'm I'm I'm still blind neither of my ppis work well David would you save us all a lot of time and read my card out for me please gladly during lockdown I bought a pogo stick to use as a home home school teaching Aid all right Le's team okay so Chris have you got children um just the one and this was for what your homeschooling PE as yes when we did homeschooling we split up the tasks I I was in charge of PE and maths and my wife was in charge of reading and art for obvious reasons at what age is your child during lockdown she was six and do you do anything else for PE or just pogo stick I'm quite a lazy Guy Lee so I realize that when you're on a pogo stick and you're bouncing away what you're trying to do is see how many you can do how many repetitions without touching the ground yeah and Max you have to touch the ground Lee to be fair otherwise otherwise it's levitating which we still haven't mastered I appreciate you said it for Comic effect Rob but you know exactly what I meant well what I try to do is I I I I realize that how many is also what what you do often in mats and I could consolidate all of my teaching efforts into one tidy little package of minimal effort so I invented Pogo mats okay and um you just shout out some sums and they have to bounce out the answers but are they experienced in pogo sticking it's quite hard well I mean it does help if you can use a pogo stick first so you have to get over that hurdle but that's you know you have to get over a hurdle as well I appreciate you said that for Comic attack thank thank you we have a pogo stick yeah well it's it's Chris's card make him do it I don't think the BBC's got enough money to cover the insurance on this don't worry I've got this covered Chris like the card let David do it for you there is a pogo stick behind you I believe oh my gosh there it is don't do it there and make sure you're 2 m away from me right down you go now Chris let me have a practice go first he's not doing it well Chris dead easy um are you ready yes what is 8 minus 5 okay the problem I've got now is if I bounce and fall off after say two you don't know if I'm bad at Pogo about it m all right here we go one two three well this is this is this is good because you've got to get the mo right if you want to do dinner tonight got so let just see how many I can do yeah let's see how many you can do I'll try and jump up onto that don't do it don't do it 1 2 3 4 5 6 s I've got no idea what's going on so having experienced it yes do you think he's telling the truth what do we think I didn't know there still dead pogo sticks oh yeah yeah yeah oh yes imagine how hard you could hit the ball with a spring mounted snook C I mean that's a good point yeah so what are you thinking about this story the more I think about the more I think it wouldn't work because the white Ball's going to spin back no no no no we're talking now about the maths and the poo reckon it's true I think it's true that Chris's is lazy I'm not really blind it just gets me out of doing things let tell me about it mate I do it all the time myself how do you think I park so close to sabd I think he's lying you think he's lying I think he's lying as well you think he's lying we we'll go with my team and say he's lying okay's saying it's a lie so Chris math on the pogo stick was it true or was it a lie Pogo mats copyright Chris mccaran 2003 20 true sorry yes it's true Chris did use a pogo stick to teach his daughter math at school because of something I once had in my lunch box I was given a seven syllable nickname Le you strike me as the kind of kid that you would have had a one syllable nickname all right what was in the box uh sandwich a snack uh what was the snack well thely we find six of our seven syllables oh brilliant what's your six- syllable snack you can think of a six syllable snack surely I can yes the big one the big one the big one where you go the big pack lunch six syllable snack I've thought of a 10 syllable one a salt and vinegar packet of crisps well up you're so pleased AR you that's more than you need though I missed it what was the snap so I'll I'll give you the first syllable mine are all too long a packet and a half of cashew nut another 10 ridiculous I'll give you the first syllable if you want it please do dare oh it's triangles nearly der Le go then you can do the next three lunchable lunchable you remember daily lunchable I do but I think they're after your time no offense I am how dare you I'm 27 yeah we're not talking about feet we're talking about years so so just be clear the actual nickname was Dary lunchable boy how long did the nickname stick oh I would say I mean it was a good two weeks did you have a nickname before that I was always called Rich that's really that's so bad isn't it and what about after that oh then it was U the artist formerly known as Dar were you the tallest kid in the year uh yeah I and they didn't think there was a tall nickname that would be more relevant for you when it comes to those nicknames the decision making process is very disordered yeah there's no meeting where someone gets to go this is ridiculous this child is extremely tall and yet we're focusing on a snack I'm thinking that say you're on the playing field you're playing football it's it's a long nickname to say past the ball isn't it lunchable boy that was not my nickname on on on the football pitch was that what was that sub all right what do you reckon Alice is he telling the truth no nicknames only last two weeks that's what's so devastating about a school nickname isn't it they really linger did you have one Alice I actually did have one envelope bum we don't want to know how that came about what are you thinking lesz well I think Richard is so good at wordplay and using syllables it sounds like the kind of nickname he has given himself Lee what are you going to say the tallest kid in the school has never had a nickname cuz I did say before and after but no nothing people quite liked me Lee it's a lie that's a lie Richard they're saying that it's a lie were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie it was a lie yes it's a liar Richard wasn't given a seven syllable nickname at school because of something he had in his lunchbox when I worked in a school I locked another teacher in a Cupboard to teach him a lesson oh did you teach uh Humanities Humanity I thought you going to say humans then Humanities at what age were the kids I'm checking out your teaching credentials before we get to the other bit of the schol yeah yeah all good secondary school kids secondary school and we're we're in the country was this uh in the West Midlands West Midlands right okay you're a teacher aren't you does all that Stack Up not I'm not anymore you used to be a teacher didn't you no I'm a well-known comedian are you I genuinely thought you were a celebrity teacher that's why you were here I thought you I thought you were from that thing about teaching people in Yorkshire is that you where did you do your teaching degree never mind that where did you do your comedy gigs um why did you lock the other teacher in was it a cupboard yeah it was a Humanities cupboard yeah yeah why did you lock him in there uh me and him had had beef on site beef on what on site is that a sandwich as no as soon as as soon as we locked eyes I knew there was going to be an issue cuz he thought he was the most most popular teacher amongst the kids so I turned up at school and within a week I was the most popular teacher in school he was very listen I'm just I'm just saying why you such a popular teacher I was like the pie Piper of literacy kids were F me around everywhere like yo sir that is that quite a clim PO of literacy in the humani department that's correct ignore Humanity come read my novels children yeah and so obviously the reputation going around school like yeah sir taught me how to use full stops and night he's a sick guy so that is a sentence that has never been uttered by anybody under the age of 21 he taught me how to use full scop he's a sick guy yeah how long did you lock him in a covero for uh actually he here here part of the story that you need to know fundamentally the reason why I chose him to lock him in the COBO on that day is because cuz I knew it would make him late for his lesson observation observation yes so lesson observation um is essentially how teachers are judged on how good they are as teachers yeah uh it's not based on how you move these children on emotionally spiritually how you build them as human beings it's a 15minute window in which a waste man that can't teach themselves comes in and judges you is not right so so you locked him in so he'd get into trouble on his OB oh yeah I did should I tell you why please do he started spreading a rumor amongst the leadership team that I wasn't marking my students books right is that bad I wasn't but that's not the point youit Greg no snitching on other teacher right and what was the upshot of all of this did you let him out did he escape is he still there no I I did let him out eventually I just wanted to ensure that he was late for that lesson observation because that means you're looked upon very harshly by the senior leadership team that he had been snitching me out to so you know Fair Fair Square squares you know what I'm saying if you were capable of locking a man in this cupboard surely a kid could have got locked in there and it would have been a health and safety disaster yeah I banged a couple of them in there as well every night and then but all right what are you thinking I'm saying it's true [Music] Lucy you need rebooting I T lie are you I just find it implausible do you believe people can have beef on site I'm persuadable I don't feel so strongly about it going to say it's true going to say it's true okay guz were you just telling us the truth or were you telling us a lie I was telling to make sure I went down as an alltime school legend I deliberately scored a spectacular own goal in our end of term Cup Final David's team okay you just wanted to make a name for yourself yeah I wanted to you know um be memorable you know okay no one really remembers the kind of average guy but they remember that kind of you know the wacky guy scored an own goal the idiot and yeah the idiot so what what was the reaction to to you what was that well first it's like you know my team were like like what are you doing like this is ridiculous but you know afterwards they were like that was legendary mate you know how long after of five years after five 10 years later but the thing is though the reason why it was so spectacular is wasn't just a normal own goal I didn't just you know it was a kind of a scissor kick so yeah yeah now you're looking at me and going this isn't the physique of a a football player that's absolutely right if you've seen me on uh if you seen me on like soccer am or some other shows you'll see that I've got techers mate and you know what they say you you know you either was it die a hero or live long enough to become a villain so I was like who says that is that I think I got the quote wrong is that the quote not quite you know what I mean let me ask a question what were you known for at school before that incident I was misquoting [Laughter] people oh I was complete like School clown um I used to I actually got an award for bunking in school I was never there they gave me the early bird award I used to like I used to turn up in the morning sign in and then go out I did stuff like that I was the teachers gave you a prize yeah at the end of like year 11 had they fully understood their role looking back I don't think they did cuz I was really proud of that award so well they in a sense the school is at fault if this is true because you've essentially they've established an educational environment where doing what is ensi the opposite of the aim of excise is to be rewarded so he said no I'm not going to do the obvious thing and scoring the opponent's goal and and how many serial killers went to your school I quite enjoyed the vision there the vision there of parents night first parents night for you two I think it's that school is going to be trembling yeah well you say that if you look look at that line up there doesn't it look as if they're just dropping their Greg off at University yeah Victoria Victoria Victoria he's not he's not your biological son you are David's far more beautiful younger second wife and you don't get on with Greg that's coming across what are you going to say oh Greg you must know more about football than we do I think it's true I think he's think I think he's a a big enough clown to have done that what do you think I think if Greg thinks it's true let's I think it's true she's trying to bond with her stepson H was it true or were you telling a lie it was a lie I was once dragged into the headmaster's office after I was caught leaning out of a window and firing a Cream Egg into my friend's mouth with a catapult was this when you were a teacher or a pupil I'm ashamed to say it was when I was a teacher um so can you describe the the setup um I I was teaching in a drama Studio on the ground floor MH and I could see my friend who was teaching economics on the second floor at the end of the building so it's AC cross is there like a courtyard in between yeah playground playground and he went to different schools didn't you is that was did the moat not get in the way or was it right goody goody the bell's gone let's go to the Courtyard okay you're you're firing over the cro law I I confiscated a catapult that morning from a child okay I was in my drama Studio there's an office I Clos the door and let the children do whatever they used to do in my lessons and I I hung out of the window I saw my friend Gavin and I went it was the height of Summer right so Gavin is in the middle of an economics lesson and he goes oh there's my friend gosh he's holding an unwrapped Cream Egg and he goes what it it it wasn't quite that instinctive I I I waved the Catapult at him and he was baffled at first and then I could I I could see him distracting his children by setting them some mundane task then I revealed the unpeeled egg which by now by the way # height of Summer melting they melt very fast here's the thing Claudia I genuinely had a mini fridge in my office because I did because I regularly abused the uh drama budget I'm sorry but I was very bored I bought I bought a I bought a many fridge and just to add color I'll tell you this I bought a top-of the range DVD player and I swapped it for one that my grandmother had given me a really nice one home separate separate story can we just say can we say that we believe that story that's story I got a technical question about the window yeah good because in schools Windows only open to a very small certain point so the can't jump out second Flor wow how rough was the old school that you saw could in case they jumped out yeah yeah just in case they jumped out and drowned in the moat so basically you got to that window will only open to a certain point the window did only open half so gav had to get on his knees and position his head his his head virtually filled the amount of window that was open it was a slide up uh window where was the Headmaster at this point walking through playground SL Courtyard he was he was in his office I imagine pretending to do work oh and here is the thing yeah that will convince you one by the other straight away gav it was I would say it was 25 foot and Gavin did catch it in his mouth what are they you are going to feel so stupid if that's a lie what do you think David's team does it ring true for you you I do believe the lie is being packaged with real stuff so confiscation of the the mini fridge is true yeah the confiscation yeah everything around the LIE is true but the LIE is still a lie okay let's go let's go but go lie saying it's a lie Greg was it the truth or was it a lie there were elements of truth but yes damn you at school I once rubbed stinging nettles all over my face and told my teacher I was Ill so I could go and meet a boy in a graveyard David's team you I mean true um so this was a date in the graveyard was the boy living uh he was just before we met yeah and these Joe you say these are your school days so we're talking about the 1990s now what was the yeah it's my way of being flattering and gentle chivalrous you say chivalrous when was this job the 1890s that was would have been the late 60s actually early L 60s gosh okay so when you walked into the graveyard like this he must have been shocked to see you rob he was pleased to see me he knew what he was going to [Applause] get um whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoo What is he going to get I bought him a cake so freshly nettled you go off you go and find your teacher what happens then well I say to teacher I'm really not feeling well I don't know whether I ate something for lunch that's given me some sort of allergic reaction can I go home I mean I don't know I've never run a school um but are you allowed if a child says they're ill you're allowed to just say yeah off you go well I said to her that uh my mom was at home and I live within walking distance of the school it was the late ' 60s early 70s very different time children hadn't long stopped going up chimneys so what do you think oh it's so unfeasible it's probably true me well that's the wrong way to reason should be unfeasible things are less likely to be true yeah although the true things on are deliberately picked to be unlikely exactly I travel here by car for example never come up that would be easy sorry can I just check something here why do you get a car yeah it's a class thing you know they still shouldn't make me drive your car right Joe in the graveyard with the young man think because it sounds so unlikely yeah I still think it's flawed reasoning but go true you're saying that it's true right Joe truth or lie it is a lie very yes it's a lie Joe didn't rub stinging nettles over her face to get out of [Applause] school uh at school I used to regularly pay my friend to clean my rubbers you used to pay your friends to clean your rubbers it was just one friend how dirty can a rubber get nobody cleans a rber dirty my friend do they oh yes what what full of what just lead mainly full of yeah lead don't you rub a dirty rubber against a clean piece of paper it sort of cleans itself no what you're describing is the action of cleaning a rubber rubber yeah that is how you clean a rubber cleans itself that's like saying why do you need to clean a car you just wipe it all over and it cleans [Applause] itself 10 years what is your 10 years of this kind of what was your friend's name um Edis what Ed what Ed is it's a Turkish name how old were you uh like a primary school so probably like 10 so 10 years old and why could you just done that action of just rubbing it against a black piece of paper to just well he did it as like a service to everyone how much did you pay him like a pound to rub a pound a pound a rub how yeah why couldn't you have done it yourself I'm confused because it used to have like a nice smell when when you had it back who whoa whoa where was this magical smell coming from well that's the thing we didn't know until we got old did you never see if I was given a man of rubber and he went away and he came back and went that smells differently I would say why does it smell differently I would just leave it at that and go that's different is a pound he just said he found out years later he was using like C air freshener to spray it oh it was a great service so if like you were cool if you had a fresh rubber but how much would a new rubber have cost probably about 10 P how many times did you pay him a pound to clean your rubber like probably happened like once every two months or something like that what so and this went on for how long for ages like I'll treat myself and heing he was get it nice get get the rubber nicely cleaned and scented for the weekend did Edis clean any other stationary items uh um not that I can remember but he used to do something else with stationary but I can't remember what that was he didn't sharpen your pencils in a very interesting way it was something like he would organize your pencil case but I can't remember organizer I'm picturing Edis with a little Sue in a brief hello guys how you doing it's me again it's Edis I'm here to clean your rabbers or organize your you going like join the cor oh I God girls I was chatting you up but I want to tell me pencil case just wa that's exactly where the economy is going isn't it nobody makes things anymore we just provide pointless Services I'm a party planner I'm a pencil case organizer I shout on panel shows we used to make steel what's it going to be look the thing is during my one which was true I started thinking it was a lie so I don't I I haven't got a clue any I I actually kind of think it sounds true but then for that reason I want to say it's a lie you been a big hell thank you Gabby my my guts saying true what's Your Gut saying go on let's go true you going to say true Melvin it is was it true or was it a lie it is [Music] true when I broke my neck at school all I was given was an aspirin David's team what happened how did you break your neck uh don't worry we can lose that pause in the edit yeah as as a young man I I was in the gym team right at school we were doing a display for whatever you do dis Founders Day something like that I had to do a somersault over a box a box a horse yeah yeah a horse box one of the wasn't that big right Vault yes so I I jumped over one of those and was supposed to do a somersault uh but I did one and a half half and landed on your head he's very clever isn't he so what happened then a you you you you came crashing to the floor uh there was a very loud noise your your neck breaking made a noise yes why wouldn't a neck breaking make a lot of noise that's a good point wouldn't you scream anyway I mean but the noise would precede the scream but on the way down on the way to hitting your neck presumably you'd be shouting out somebody like ah no because actually sometimes delay before the pain actually arrives yeah you still might there still might be alarm as you see the chances of you're saving yourself from like people in an airplane that's crashing they're probably screaming and you don't go well you're fine at the moment so You' you've hit the ground you you fall to the floor what happens then I was in a great deal of pain was there a gym teacher present there was he was Scottish yeah jock what his his name no no no that was his you had a teacher called jock watt so what did wat do one of the first things he did was he put out his cigarette no on the head of a nearby child what was there because cuz in display what was in the display what part of it we're quite we're quite small school boys there there's a kind of teacher to catch you oh half catch you half catch so somebody dropped you you bounce over the thing and and you sort of is that after he dropped you is that what he [Laughter] went I was carried off the field of display by what by and and taken uh to the Sick Bay uh where I was given an aspirin so where was what now I wish his name wasn't what [Music] why so was was it evident to you from the start that you'd you'd broken your neck uh no I suffered a great deal of pain from very many years um and didn't really find out about the crushed vertebrae until yesterday until a few few years after so what are you thinking are are you thinking that it could be true well I thing is I've been observing him as I do and he doesn't have full movement of his neck look look at that how youing him for you see what do you think I reckon it's true now because of the whole neck thing do you think it's true because of inhibited neck movement I do indeed we're going to say it's true Aid Edmonson was it true or was it a lie it's true yeah yes it's true Aid was given an aspring for a broken so please welcome this week's special guest [Music] Edward so Robert what is Edward to you uh this is Edward and I had such a crush on him at school that for the past 20 years his name has been the basis for all of my passwords so Denise what is Ed to you this is Edward and he helped me pick up my car and move it after I got blocked in by Dy Thompson and finally Lee what is your relationship with Edward this is Edward I once dressed up as his wife so that his son would think that he'd seen his mom in the audience at the school play so there we have it is Edward Robert's childhood Crush Denise's car carrier or Lee's hoax husband David's team where to begin Robert uh so were you School buddies together not especially because um Edward was terribly good at sport you see I seem to remember Edward being terribly good at the pole vault how are you still in touch with Edward we're not I haven't seen Edward for a number of years how is he doing do you think would you still can I just say that as my fake husband I have I I'd say he's definitely moved into a new bracket a very happy one yes he's doing he's doing very well I'd say you know very very well indeed now you said you haven't seen him for a number of years specifically when was the last time you saw him the last time I would have seen him would probably be 1993 or 94 1993 or 4 but there wasn't the need for passwords until around the year 2000 well yes but they then came in and I thought what would be more marvelous than having Edward as a basis of my passwords is he still the basis of your passwords no comment what I will say is that um I spent a long time when I was bored looking for him on Facebook and that sort of thing and on one occasion um I found him and and messaged him and there was no reply and I was very about that and I always wondered what happened to him and now I see I'm struggling with this cuz uh this is a thing that is done I had a crush on a boy in school and his name is the basis for my passwords as well and I've been trying to stalk him on Facebook but he doesn't exist he's not on Facebook which makes him even sexier but I'm saying this is so you've got that exact story very plausible yeah this is my story his name is Luke mate do you know him yes you know no you don't because he was like he lives two doors down from me single newly single no yeah he works for medic on Frontier as he's a human rights lawyer that works with them but he takes 6 months of the year off because he runs a uh a place for for distressed puppies he's a good guy you know what I literally just set him up with someone last week that's so annoying great guy h of a all right who would you like to uh who would you like to quiz next uh Denise um explain what happened with Edward in the car and Dy Thompson yes so I was parked and in the car park at a stadium which stadium Birmingham Alexander stadium in and which car park like you have just VI VIP okay it's probably the Denise Lewis car park I mean to be fair if you own a car in Birmingham you're automatically a VIP anyway why you clapping so I'm in the car park went off to work um had a big national championships came back out desperate to get back down to London and my car was blocked blocked in that was Dy Thompson that was Dy Thompson well hang on how do we know that let's let's take it State what happens next well Eddie mhm he's an an official right you know he used to be an athlete you can see he's well stacked what was his sport he was actually a thrower of what sorry are you actually you're a BBC commentator and you called him a thrower a thrower so he's a thrower of the incredibly heavy frisbee yeah he used to he used to compete National level okay didn't quite make it didn't quite make it's not easy to get to the top it's not easy um that's so that's such a showof thing to do I'm sorry you know actually really really hard to be an amazingly good athlete some some people can do it some people can't do it Eddie I'm sorry so there you are Denise you're you're you're blocked in Eddie Edward is there cuz he's officially he used to throw things when does Dy come into it well his has a private registration plate and I didn't Noti he's one of those people daily what does it say dt10 dt10 of course dt10 of course fa I need I need to get out of here quickly can you help he said let me go and get some of these other throwers they said listen if we maneuver this car swing the back out a little bit you should be able to maneuver around D's car so you never met I'm sure you have met Dy Thompson but he never turned up during the anecdote couldn't find him anywhere when so when I came back to the car did I realize it was his car because of the number plate but you were looking for him before that is the person I need to talk to now is dy Thompson cuz if there's someone who understands a parking crisis it's me can I just check if you two met cuz you need a really good defense lawyer no I do can you continue yes please do so Eddie came to my Aid yeah and helped me maneuver the car yeah and Away went where you went and and Dy Thompson turned up presumably later I don't know cuz I didn't see him you didn't see him have you seen him since yeah yes and have you mentioned this story to him yes and okay that checks out do yeah that's what did he say yeah oh shut up he said oh shut up this i' I've known d a long time one of the first things he said to me at the age of 14 yeah um he called me look after this Bear all right now now of course perhaps the most plausible of all is yet to uh just remind usly this is Edward I once dressed as his wife so his son would think he'd seen his mom right whil performing in the school play What was the play it was actually a nativity play okay and what was Edward's son playing Edward's son was playing Joseph were your children in the play my children were not in the play it would have been inappropriate due to the fact that they don't go to that school so you you went to a school where your children are not enrolled dressed as a woman correct you trick a little boy into thinking you were his mom yeah yeah I admit when you say like that it just sounded meul let's let's go back Lee let's go back to the beginning how did this come about how did Edward approach you so Edward was uh Edward was at the school and apparently he he got a phone call off his wife saying that she couldn't make it now his wife had already missed three or four big events you know all the big ones that were important like the sports days and the various things and this was sort of like I promise you I'm going to be there I promise you I'll do this one so why wasn't she there well something to do with work something got got got what's her work I didn't get a chance to get too many details Edward rang in a panic absolutely Panic anym what's her what's what's her job what's the wife's job Yes actually don't know his wife very well you know Edward yeah you're the first person he call though but you don't know his that's right because me and him do lots of thing behind his wife's back and he knows that so he rang you up yeah and what did he say he was panicking the Lee I went what he said she's not turned up again I said oh said me wife so what does she do for a living He said not now he said he said I need your help and I need it quickly yeah I said you know me I'll always be there for you he says I need you to meet me at my house so I get to the house I run in the house and he only had time for one phrase put this on he said I need you to I need you to dress as my wife because last time I went to see him in a play she didn't turn up and and and I said but you saw me right and he said the kid said no I didn't see you cuz the spotlights are so bright everyone's just like a silhouette so he said he said that's how I think you can get away with this I want you to dress as my wife and then when when he looks out you'll think that that you're you're with me did he notice your beard well this is the thing I said that now as L would have it I don't know what his wife does but she has a beard and I know she works in a circus I don't know exactly what she does and that I was very well dodged Lee I must say no see see at the time I did not have a beer oh you were clean shaven yes which is what why he was annoyed cuz she like I say she does did you does she have a very distinctive silhouette she does I would describe her silhouette as liac esque see I could describe her did you have to wear a wig uh no I did I didn't wear a wig because luckily his wife has very short hair and a beard and a beard are we so you just went with your head just went I went I just went with with her silhouette look a hat scarf but what did you wear but you you haven't told us nice one Jesus you haven't told us what you put on in your friend's bedroom so he had all all the things were about what he he got a range for you to choose pick out something nice that you fancy he had it ready for me when I got there he said this is what she would she we could get this is the stuff that the kid would recognize so we went we went with a long Macintosh what's what's Edward's son called Edward's son is called H Eddie that was a bad choice little Ed and then after the after the play that lovely bit where the kids excited to go and meet with their parents again and say how was it that was the bit that we were worried about well I had to do there was only one thing that we could do I said to him you're going to have to totally commit to this and so we're now married and we adopted him and we ran away and the wife doesn't know where we are and this is the first time she would have known no we we um we we actually we stood at the back and as he walked towards us I sort of turned around walked quickly and sort of waved like that and he you ran away from him yes what choice did I have and apparently Big Ed said to me afterwards he said I just had to say oh Mommy's got to get back quickly she's uh she's well I don't know what she does for a living he didn't know either all right we need an answer so David's team is Edward Robert's childhood Crush Denise's car carrier or Lee's Hox husband W it's well I mean Lee Lee was fairly convincing hard to see past that isn't it what do you think I feel like when Denise was telling her story Edward was smiling a little bit more look at him look at his um gosh it's difficult isn't it I'm tempted to say Robert you think Robert and I'm really torn I would say Denise but I just don't know cuz I was wrong once already okay time to make a decision David who's it going to be oh right so you but you think it's Denise now if you two think it's Denise that's great I can opt out if you both think it's Robert that's great I can op out if you both think it's Lee I'm overruling you well go Robert you're going to say it's Robert if this does turn out to be true you do realize we're about to witness quite a moment so Edward would you please reveal your true identity oh I am Edward and I am I was Robert's inspiration for would you like to say anything to Edward Robert I could dress up as you and fill in I'm what would you like to say to him here's your chance yes um hello Edward hi well done you really kept it together Edward did you did you realize that Robert had this crush on you no not at all must what a lovely evening this is for you then thank you very much Edward nice to see you so please welcome this week's special guests Jenna Thomas and Joanna [Music] so Pate first of all what are they to you this is Jenna Thomas and Joanna and they let me sleep in their tent in glenury when I couldn't find mine okay Josh how do you know them this is Jenna Thomas and Joanna and together we made up my entire school year right David what is your connection this is Jenna Thomas and Joanna and I nudged them into a canal when I lost control of my Boris bike so there we have it are they Kate's Festival friends Josh's School Chums or David's bike buddies Le's team Josh when you say between the four of you you made up your school year do you mean it didn't exist my entire year was uh usful I'm looking at faces now to see if they look at equal age now well yeah I suppose they do you think they look at equal age yeah they do yeah they yeah that's convincing okay that bit of the story We Believe yeah they look a lot younger than Josh it has to be said well well you know they're probably doing three to four press UPS a day what um between them or in what year was this uh 1987 to 1994 I'd have been 4 to 11 where was it where were were you at school Devon where in Devon on dartmore how many kids in the other years oh well ours was the smallest you don't say yeah so the one below was six right I think it actually started to get bigger cuz the school got more popular so by the time I was leaving you were looking at eights or nines right it's ridiculous how does a child get any attention without S Class have you stayed in contact with them uh I haven't stayed in contact with um Jenna and Joanna why why Hang On Let's test him on this which one is Thomas Thomas is in the middle um and I've seen him a couple of times because his brother's married to my sister really yeah and they talk about the Welsh don't they if this is the size of your year what happened when you got to the Nativity Play or the summer concert how how the summer concert or the garden party when you troop the color how did you do that well it wasn't just a class of four we were taught four years together oh so four fours 12 16 16 16 and then that's the benefit of the smaller class size isn't it is it still as small well I I don't still go you must know must know it would be frowned upon if I hung outside Counting the children I'm interested to know what the system was at lunchtime was it packed lunch or did they provide something hot obviously cuz there was only what 40 children in our school um there was no need to cook school dinners on site what you went to a restaurant what are you talking about so we we went to wer MERS no um so what would happened obviously most of us were packed so um got a very high opinion of yourself so what would happen would be when you were answering the Reg you wouldn't say here instead you'd say packed or dinners and then one of the children would tally up the amount of people that say dinners mhm and then they'd go and phone it through to the nearest school who would the nearest school is where you are no no to the next school cook us the eight dinners and get them sent across having Supply dinners essentially weren't you yeah we had to kind of Meals on Wheels deal with our dinners wow all right who would you like to quiz next uh David da yeah d uh where were you cycling on your Boris bike the Regent canal in in London sort of from where I live towards um eastwards towards King's cross easts where were you going Mordor I was traveling eastwards eastwards yes easterly in an easterly Direction I'm off out where you going uh I'm going eastwards I'll see you later when you're back oh I don't know depend what the Westerly winds like on the way back have you got a bay of Boris bikes near you uh not that near me I was hurrying somewhere and I was late where were we going uh to a meeting were you wearing a helmet I was not right so you were going to a meeting you're in a rush how do you manage to knock three people in ridiculous were they stood dressed as dominoes no they they were sort of sitting on the edge of the canal I was right I'm I'm not an experienced cyclist I'd only got the Boris bike cuz I was running so late did you knock them in the room River and you thought let's swap numbers and keep in touch that's exactly it yes I thought that so just talk us through it in in a bit more detail did you knock them off with your body did you knock them off with the bike I'm cycling along the toe path I'm late late my phone rings it's the people at the meeting and I I I'm afraid I answer my phone on the toe path without a helmet helmet you don't expect me to put a helmet on to answer my phone and when they went in what did you then do well they were they were out again as soon as they were in it wasn't a very deep bit of the canal the deeper water is further out that's actually the title of my collection of poems uh David yeah if I was cycling at speed and I hit three people I think I'd go over myself wouldn't I think the momentum would take me off my bike well what can I tell you it doesn't happen What about Kate do you have any questions Brian for Kate yes can you what did Kate say she couldn't find a tent at Glastonbury so these three reprobates let's call them uh offered to to for her to sleep in their tent they're my knights in shining armor they rescued me do you know that I've just done the voice over for all the L at glastenbury oh the L what do you say what is what is the voice over are you enjoying your L some people don't have any L at all and all over the world they don't have a l and you're privileged to have a l I've just done a whole government thing for you I thought possibly you might have sat on one of these lules no but I I'm envisioning the thought of going into a lure and suddenly you popping into my ear can I just at this point Kevin I know for a fact can do a very very good Brian blessed impersonation I I know I I wouldn't abs are you sitting down are you sitting comfortably oh great now I've got in Stereo first of all when was this this was Glastonbury 2011 my boyfriend bought tickets for him and his brother and then I heard that beonce was going to be there so I said I'll come too so I could see the goddess okay person so you're you've lost your tent so 1:00 in the morning I needed to go to the L so I set off in search of the L with my phone and cuz you'd gone to see beon when you couldn't find your tent there's a joke coming up did you go uhoh uhoh uhoh Rob Rob Rob he told us about some joke that was on its way so you come back and you can't now you can't find your tent well I I I had a bit of a l Mission because the first set of L were not clean and so I had to try and find some more so I went someone said there's some more over there and there were people sort of you know making new friends there so I didn't want to stay there this poor woman who was taking pity on me said there's some other over there so I went to the other ones and this is like a quest yes first set of L's too dirty second set of L too sexually compromised set of you want in the toilet ladies and gentlemen don't forget this is for defecation not sexual compromise yes I I have the precise tambra to reverse arousal so you're going You're crawling through the grass at GL found I found the third set that was all fine and then I thought okay I'm going to walk back now but just couldn't find my way how did they come about well I was wandering around and then I thought I was I just thought I'm going to have to throw myself on someone's mercy so I I I say tent then I thought there's no way of doing it knock on the flat first that's the voice you need in the toilet I I just saw these three friendly people and I thought maybe I'll just approach them cuz I was getting desperate so I said look I'm completely lost and they said we'll help you well to help you find and find these first set of L because if I found the first set I can find my tent I see so they said look we could be going all night this is really useless let's just go and sleep in our tent what's the setup with Thomas Jenna and Joanna well this is a good point M because I did I did have that question Point like the postman good point I know I got it I was wondering when the joke was com that's the problem with postal jokes it's always the next day when you get [Applause] it all right we need an answer so Lee's team are Jenna Thomas and Joanna Kate's Festival friends Josh's School Chums or David's bike buddies think there's any truth in David's story oh no no not all no not at all the escaped sounds like Chad of Chad Hall uh with the bike going the B bike going down the canal region Canal of course that's near the zoo there where you get lots of orangutangs at the very least it's unlikely oh it's definitely unlikely I mean it's it's worthy of anecdote I mean no one's going to come and say these are you know three people I said hello to in the post office that's got to be an unlikeliness to it or it's not worth televising this is potentially worth televising I think it's Josh Brian thinks it's Josh yeah Kevin I also think it's Josh is it the ages because they do look very similar age I have to say Tom in the middle of the three looks like he's had a slightly harder life go with Josh GNA say it's Josh okay uh on behalf of the three Joanna would you reveal your true identities uh we are Joanna Thomas and Jenna and together we make up the entire year of Josh's School hi and here's the proof we got the school photo have a look thank you very much Jenna Thomas and Joanna one Friday after school I swapped our family cat for a scotch egg and a Smurf and my mom found out on Monday morning she made me swap them back right when was this first of all how old were you 13 but more important than how old was he or anything to do with him the cat what I mean Ser very concerned about the cat I am I'm a bit more concerned about the Smurf if I'm going to I'm most concerned the the Scotch egg you just was your logic would you hide it under your bed for a whole weekend why don't you us have a little chat and when you worked out collectively what you're most concerned about come back start with do what was the cat called what kind of cat what color please the cat was called snow drop as the name implies it was tortoise shell who did you swap with uh should I name him I don't know who unless he's in prison at the moment and he's I don't know I haven't seen him for a long time it was a a kid who lived on an a state nearby just give us his first name Lee oh just with the Scotch egg you wanted the Scotch egg you wanted the Scotch egg so badly that you traded a living mammal for it and then you just put it under your bed for 48 hours to be fair trading a scotch egg for a living mammal is exactly what's necessary in the manufactured process of a scotch egg you start off people have decided they have live pigs but they don't like the live pigs enough what they want is no pigs but Scotch eggs right why did you want the Scotch egg I presume for the obvious that you like them and you wanted to eat it yes why did you just eat it there and then why didn't I just eat you said you SWA them back again on the Monday so why which that that suggests you still had the well hang on I mean was it the same one or had you consumed it and then you just had to give a scotch egg back that's right [Applause] Rob it's like the bloody well Mafia this you can't help him out C could I get back to the cat cats obviously are very territorial so would the cat not try and come home because they normally do if they've gone out away he didn't not that weekend talk us through the actual exchange process I tell what Rob you stand up we'll go through it I am standing up I'll role play it with you all right so I'm right okay so imagine I've got my family cart in my hand all right and you in with this hand you have a SC where where are we now Rod where are we we're in Wales are we in Wales we in Wales we're in Wales is that nice let's just take a minute let's just take a minute it's lovely go on right so we are in Wales yeah I've got a cat in my hand all right right you've got in this hand a Smurf and a scotch egg yes right now we swap them over all right here we go this is how iten be difficult love my Lord is the mechanics of the exchange wow you can put the cat down now gently gently Rob gently yes what do you think Le does this sound truthful to you I don't think he's shown any affection for snow drop and on that basis alone I think it can't be true well weirdly I the exact same reason I think it it is true because I know him to be heartless I can show you some affection I what what do you want to know about snow drop I can show affection with snow drop all right how would you stroke him h no got you that you have changed the sex of that cat at least three times I promise you I don't think vets should agree to do [Applause] that it's always been a female cut what are you thinking Rob are are you thinking it's the truth it's really starting to crumble at the end here so I'm I'm smelling a lie both saying a lie my team say lie we will go with lie okay you're saying lie Rod truth or lie it is a lie yes it was a lie a rod didn't swap his family cat the Scotch egg and a SM when I was a teacher whilst trying to explain a tricky concept I accidentally locked a pupil in a Cupboard David's team okay what what what was the concept was it the concept of imprisonment or it was uh it was a math lesson um I was teaching the topic of probability chance the chances of getting locked in the cupboard well that was a that became an extra an extra learning objective um that that wasn't that wasn't the main one I was trying to get across the idea of um naria yeah I trying to get him to understand how to explain the concept of probability so the idea was that if you had like an alien arrive on Earth how would you explain probability which would be the first thing you'd do wouldn't no actually put the laser down let me talk to you about math yeah Rish what age group was this so this is year eight so 11 12 years old um what happened was is I needed somebody to pretend to be an alien okay so I selected a child from the class I didn't just go out and look for one how did you select did you go for the little green one with a pointy ears well no actually what it was is I thought I was doing a good thing because you know you get some kids that are sort of um that have problems making friendships and stuff like that and I had a kid like that in the class so I thought I'd i' I'd bring him out of himself you chose the kid that got bullied to be the alien so the rest of the cars can point at him and go [Applause] alien I mean to be fair I thought we're just playing a game I didn't realize this was an offed inspection so so basically what it was I was trying to make it realistic okay so I said to him why don't we pretend this cupboard is like a transformation chamber you know you go in the cupboard you go in you go in as a boy oh it's just get it's just getting worse isn't it one of my kids came home from school and described this scene I'd be down that school like a shot how surprised would you then be to see that teacher on the BBC a few years later in the current climate not surprised at [Applause] all basically I said to him you're going to go into the cupboard you're going to transform into an alien what was the concept again you trying to teach the kid probability probability we haven't got to that bit yet we're going to find out when he step right now we're trying find how to transform to an alien right now that's what we're looking forward to we're looking forward to him coming out never get that far do what am I talking about at the next offstein inspection a small skeleton was discovered and they said what the chances of that and they said well interesting you should ask that what were you going to do though that's what I want to know if he had have got locked in what were you going to do the idea was just that he was going to come out and and be the alien and then I was going to get different kids to it I mean get different kids to don't lose confidence I was going to get different kids to explain to him what probability was so he was going to be like the dummy alien and then like he'd be like and and then and then never to be bullied again I can't help feeling that I'm a little bit under attack here and it's all right because you may be lying in which case you're off the hook why does it help to understand probability to get children to explain it to an Al so basically in in order to to get the idea that a kid understands a concept them explaining it and that explanation being clear illustrates that they have learned it completely so so romes you've sort of left it that he's in the cupboard what he he got in yeah what happened I realized I couldn't open the door uh to let him out so I sort of started looking around for other teachers to help me and they said actually the cupboard it can be open from the inside the problem came when I said to him you're going to have to come out the cupboard uh just open it from the inside and he replied yeah because he was being an alien right so yeah that extended the problem and he was in there for 20 minutes so he came out in the end he eventually open he came out and well the lesson was [Applause] ruined what are you thinking David I do know that romish used to be a maths teacher oh okay so and that you know education's loss was show business is [Applause] gain um there were so many gaps in the story I just yeah the story wasn't really adding up math teacher I think we think it's a lie do we I think it might be a lie for all of you okay uh romes truth or lie the story is uh true it's true romes did accidentally lock one of his pupils in a Cupboard I once caused an injury to one man whilst trying to get a different man to say the word vegetables pleas te right just the word vegetables yeah do you really like the word vegetables um not not as a general rule no but I liked it when this man said it why what was it about this man the way he said vegetables that was funny did he have a speech impediment or no he didn't he was a very intense man though and he was also Austrian I was with a friend once and he's he was a colleague of ours sorry and I overheard him say vegetables and we both found it incredibly funny um so can you just roughly give us an impression of how he used to say vegetabl even just he said it exactly like this vegetables then we happened to be on a coach trip with him and so we spent the whole coach trip trying to get him to save vegetables where were you where were you going and how you I was on a school trip I used to be a teacher so we were and he was he was a teacher yeah he was a teacher did he teach he was the head of languages and he was head of languages the head of languages just to go vs imagine imagine I'm the man okay I'm on the coach I'm I'm sat we're driving you go um so I said so um yeah very big aren't you this isn't like him at all you're very big aren't you so I was saying things like oh I've been trying to um keep fit lately and I know that you're into keep fit you know would you recommend for a healthy diet and he was going well you know I would uh you must eat a balanced diet you must eat greens and uh you you must enjoy some protein in in lit I was going yeah yeah but I mean if you were to group some of those Foods together and he was going well I mean yeah you must have carbohydrates of course and you must have and it was it was horrific it went on for about an hour uh and every time I tried to find a new angle for vegetables his ludicrous Austrian interpretation of things led us down a dark alley it it was literally an hour in the making and how did you try to get him to say it um I I honestly can't remember it came out of nowhere and he suddenly said it and he said it with such passion it was he he went I would C you must have vegetables I I started biting my hand to stop myself from and my and my friend who was next to me there was a there's a jagged piece of metal at the front of the coach and because it was so funny just to remind you of course and my friend saw the piece of metal and pushed his knee into it on purpose to stop himself from laughing and blood started like spraying out of his started spraying out of his knee now this is getting elabor at this story and I'll tell you another detail we went and did the trip which was in Paris and then after we came all the way back all the way back to to um Cal and I said to him um you know we put all the kids passports in that hotel in Paris last night did you um did you remember to cuz he was in charge of the trip did you remember to bring those and he he was standing up in front of the children on the couch and he went oh [Laughter] shaser and we had to speak to the Port Authorities permission to take the kids on without passports where he went back on his own can I tell you one more detail as well we were also standing in the middle of Paris under the Eiffel Tower we've been there for an hour and the kids were all running around and he came over we must we must go we are L for our next appointment and I said well we should just make sure that all the kids are here and he goes yes of course we should yes and he turned around and went is everybody here I know the kids went yeah yeah what then we'll move on vegetables what are you thinking Lee I think it's true true from John def I think GL you are a fantastic actor Mr Greg D well so what are you going to say okay what do we think I think you'll find on bated we're all left the [Applause] nominated F uh okay we'll go lie going to say it's a lie Greg truth or lie it's is the truth after a visit to a school fate I had to tell my neighbor their cat had been run over while my own face was painted like a kitten Le team oh please be true please please you were at the school fate as what as a as a dad or were you working on the stall doing the face painting or anything or you I there was a sort of shift so I I did help uh with with one of the Stalls but I was also there just as a as a parent what was the stall you were helping on Bricker Bricker bra Bricker how did you find out the cat had been killed because it was uh killed regrettably close to our house what kind of cat was it a tabby cat and how was it killed sorry unfortunately it was a truck that shouldn't have been one of a very not just a normal size L very very long uh Lori that should not really have thought that it could drive around those streets but was attempting to and it flattened um so you actually saw the Lor flatten the cat and then you had to go and tell the neighbor uh yeah I feel like this is the truth except for the part about the truck and that actually you killed this cat what was the cat called uh she was called um it's called Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny what was the owner called tiddles in a horrible name mix up they started calling each other by the wrong name if you want to find you know find fault with someone's cat naming logic you've got to have a girl at my neighbors well they're grieving let's leave them out of it yeah yeah you kill their cat I didn't I just you say you didn't kill the cat you might have been partly responsible because you were the dressed as a cat when it happened it might have been the Dred as a cat has looked over and G size of that cat meanwhile the little cat crossing the road has gone is that your mommy those two incidents combined you've killed little Jennifer to give her a full name no just either that or it was a hit aimed for you and the description given was looks a bit like a cat did you pick the cat up and take it to the neighbors or did you just point to the cat and say that's where your cat is I didn't I didn't pick it up what happened when they answer the door talk us through that conversation that must have been very awkward had you still at this point not remembered that your face was painted like no I didn't until after I told them and then I went home oh I just had to tell s so they've opened the door can you remember anything about the first few words of that conversation well it was very awkward I've never had to do that before so I I said meow they said hello in a sort of cheery or maybe he's come around for some sort of Jolly reason well all gave him that impression and I I said I'm really sorry but I'm afraid that I've I've Just Seen um Jenny get get run over and they said what what did they say then oh sorry you're asking I thought you asking me sorry I genuinely thought you didn't understand the question but you were in character sorry yeah if we get to a point where you're asking questions I don't understand something has happened um the regular that one uh and they said thank you very much for telling us and then I went back into my house I live next door and did you go through the front door or back when you realized you had your makeup on still at home my which my wife pointed out to me I came home and I said oh this Dreadful thing's just happened and my wife said you know that you still got your face painted like a kitten and I said oh no did you and your wife look at each other in shock and just feel terrible or did you both instantly start laughing she laughed immediately I she's an a awful woman though no you're not ignore the Irish man you're the best female truck driver in the [Laughter] world you know that is fural so what are you thinking Lee does this have the uh The Ring Of Truth For You Amilia what do we think I think it's a total lie do you not even an ounce of Truth in this not for me it's going around to the neighbors and you haven't really actually told us anything about the neighbors you haven't talked about who it was who answered the door and how you then got to talk to them all right well Paul answered it all Paul and Paul is married too Paul is not married oh but you did say them you told them that their cat had died yeah there are a number of ways in which people cohabit I don't believe it you don't believe it I don't believe it you don't believe it going say Okay miles truth or lie oh ye of little it's a ly yes it's a lie miles didn't have to tell his neighbor their cat had been run over while his face was painted like a kitten so please welcome this week's special guest [Music] Ian so what is Ian to you well this is Ian and to to frighten a teacher we once hid a ram inside a classroom cupboard Lee how do you know Ian this is Ian he is the supermarket delivery driver who accidentally trapped me in the back of his van and drove me to his next drop off point and finally David what's your relationship with Ian this is Ian he is a skydiver who got blown off course and almost knocked me off my bike right there we have it Carol sheep prankster Lee's accidental abductor or David's diverted sky diver David Mitchell and team where are you going to begin um right well Carol let's start with the with the ram in the cupboard um oh the old day Mitch chat up line what why did you put a ram in a Cupboard well Ian and I went to school together in the highlands and often you would see the sheep and the Rams just you know Meandering into the school grounds and this particular day one came in so the ram wanders into the school grams yes but and you think oh that's fine it'll be quite doy I dare say he'll agree to get into a cupboard well what happened was the teacher was late he was quite often late and we were in a we P cabin out the back saying the teacher was a drinker no okay but anyway he was late so we thought it'd be quite funny because he was late just to put this Ram in his cupboard so that when he came in the ram would be mad and come rampaging out does Ian look like the kind of man that would grab a a ram and drag it into a cupboard yeah he does for a l he looks like a kind of a Dev and I think Carol being attractive and beautiful would have done that whole oh let's just put a r in the cupboard and be like put R in the cupboard so when the teacher eventually arrived how long was it before he went to his cupboard for a little look at his possessions and and what happened it would have been about 10 minutes 10 minutes and of course we were all sniggering in the class he opened the door the Andrew Ram came rampaging right out him is that where the word rampaging comes from that's when you're trying to contact a ram in the 1980s who would you like to quiz next um David could you describe uh how in was it nearly hit you yeah skydiving I mean this goes back to '92 and my my family have always been involved in the Scouts of Ireland and so I was with the big Jamboree was in wicko which is just outside of Dublin and I was on a tandem bicycle with my aunt who's one of the heads of scouting Ireland and we were heading uh towards the jambar and they were launching a comic book character to remind kids not to start fires and forests and he was called a fire dog and his catchphrase was don't start a fire woof and he for the launch they decided in the Jamboree they were going to parachute uh fire dog into the middle of the of the Jamboree and we were um on the the tandem heading towards it with our little scouty Ties on can I just check fire dog he says Don't Start A Fire Wolf is it don't start a fire at Wolf or don't start a fire W which one is it I want to know I'm trying to genuinely want which is the campaign it's quite easy this is actually quite easily solved immediately with a demonstration because my understanding of skydivers is they have a really good core muscle so essentially if we do that bit from Dirty Dancing we you actually didn't get any taller stood up that was the oddest thing I've ever seen I've never seen anyone stand up and remain the same eyes that was shocking if I just run towards you like dirty and you just lift me up like the end then you'll be a sky dier and if you don't do it I'll be really hurt and you're dead so likewise in a minute I'm going to ask you to shut me in the back of a van I was just so what are you what are you planning to do he I'm seeing whether or not he looks frightened by the prospect of me running towards him and he's got Lift Me Up he does look a bit frightened yeah also Rob also looks frightened what if the end of my story is that and then he whacked against the wall his legs shut off and he had to have legs made of glass is that the end of your story no we're back to plan A how far away from the jambur were you at the at the point of impact Al sry near impact he had just missed the landing area by a few fathoms and sorry it was an it was an aqua jambur we swerved we avoided him he went into a hedge and we pulled him out I was what I was 14 or 15 at the time and my aunt and Ian got talking and that is why it's nice to have my Uncle Ian on the show [Applause] oh that is that was a hell of a landing that's a that was a b show your aunt met her husband when he nearly hit her dressed as a dog right what about Lee so Lee how did you accidentally get shot in his van what happened as you will know that when the man who comes from the supermarket delivers your food he delivers them in like a plastic box yeah he leaves the box and he goes into the kitchen and he drops off the food and what I decided to do is I'll help right he brings the last Bo I said is that it he said yes this is your last slot puts the thing gets the bags goes into the kitchen Mr Nice here picks the nice plastic things up and takes them to his van oh God so I go into the so it's like this is like the start this is like the start of an episode of casualties so I go in and as I put them in I look to my left and something catches my attention a lamp post and it's snowing and there's a form no no a little thing catches my eyes Believe it or someone locked a ram in the back of the back it was believe it or not the thing that caught my eyes I don't believe it by the way was was a slightly ripped box of cocoa pops and I thought just for a minute I thought as Ian just had a little bit of a like I would do I'll have a little snack on room so I just I just walk over to it now as I walk over to it it's only a couple of steps I'm now hidden behind a box food you the box of the they haven't yet been delivered and at that moment I hear the noise of the door shutting and the little handle turning so why didn't you uh call out I did well and he didn't hear you no well over the noise of a van the noise of Howard Jones on Magic FM it was blasting you try yeah I'm going help help B on the panel anyway anybody anybody anyway what was the what was I mean it might not be true but God it was dramatic so so we we do need an answer is Ian Carol's sheep prankster Lee's accidental abductor or David's diverted skyd the key thing is I don't want to be fooled by David oy that's the key look at him look at that do you remember you know in the brownies you had the brownie promise and all that do you remember anything from the your scouting days your promise or anything it's different in Ireland the scouts don't have anything that you would possibly remember no no promises no no value system other than if you see a dog going to a head you marry it I say Carol I think I I think it's I think it's I think it's David you you say Carol you say David I think it's David so you're going with David we're going with David uh Ian would you please reveal your true identity my name is Ian Carol NY by hiding a around in the classroom yes Ian is Carol's sheep frankster thank you very much I so please welcome this week's special guest Keith so uh Bob first of all Bob what is Keith to you uh this is Keith he's my oldest friend and when we were at school together we hid a Dictaphone in the classroom ceiling to confuse our teacher David herwood uh this is my old teacher Keith I once had to claim I wasn't me when I met him in a cafe as I was in character preparing for Homeland and finally Lee uh your relationship with Keith this is Keith and his Hawk yes yes and admit David it's a difficult start go with it this is Keith and his Hawk was supposed to land on my arm at a village fate but instead stole the wig from the man next to me and flew off into a tree so there we are it's Bob's classroom prankster it's David's blanked buddy or it's Lee's Hawk Handler David's team where did you start so yes David what he was a teacher at your school very briefly what a whole lesson I mean I don't know if I mean I could I would see him you but he didn't teach you no not teach he was someone who hung around a school he was charitably you assumed he was a teacher but if he was at the school a short period of Time how did you even recognize him in the cafe oh I knew it was him he walked into the cafe and he said hi David room and basically I blanked him it was literally the the month before I went to America when I was doing a Homeland and I just been to see my dialect coach he basically said I have to stay in my American voice so would you not have explain that to him in your American Voice I'm sorry buddy but I'm doing a wall here I I don't think it was ever as good as that John to be fair I basically just had to say I don't know what you're talking about well that's I'm remembering you now do the voice a bit more I said I don't know what you're talking about oh that did weird things to me so your dialect coach said you're in this role you need to stay in this character now the lesson's over let's go to a very public place yeah we are likely to encounter several people well that's what you have to do you have to stay in that voice you have to have the confidence to stay in your voice why can't you just like turn it on like an actor oh that's uh that's that's a cheap shot Sarah I did I have to say I did phone him up afterwards and apologized so you had his number you stayed in touch with the teacher you barely remember would it be fair to say the Hawk's looking a bit more plausible so David who would you like to question next um Bob uh yeah remind us of your allegation when we were at school together we hid a a diaphor machine in the ceiling tiles to um interrupt the lesson so not to record but to play stuff yeah what sort of stuff well it was um important to keep a gap at the beginning so we let it run for about 15 minutes and then there was the noise of a fly for a brief period Then another bit period to confuse the teacher where would you get the noise from the fly you'd make the noise we'd make the noise ourselves I'm P for like to do it let's hear your fly you know it does sound like a can I hear you be we didn't do a b do you know how to do B just like that fly more it's more wholesome if it's a bee isn't it show me the difference David well I I'm I'm not do I say Okay a bee would be a sort of a foot no that's a bumble fly very good that's good did you see the way he just slipped straight in and out so you so yes there was silence yeah then a little bit of fly silence a little bit of fly and then quite loudly but not to frighten anyone the word wolf B more silent yeah bit more silent yeah then yeah Speedway Stadium Speedway Stadium do you know the idea was was just to say kind of random things we had a he was a really nice teacher called um Bill whitling ham how did Bill whitling ham react to these random sounds well Mr whitling ham left the room and said can you sort this out by the time I've gone back can you sort whatever it is that's going on and there was a cupboard in the corner where interested like exercise books in it pens and that but it also had in a little cage a hand lion which is a robotic that it's a battery operated thing are you just are you just saying any words to coming to your end in any order hand lion it's a hand lion and if you hand lion it's a a robotic animatronic hand lion yeah and if you'd been particularly good he would put it on your hand and set it to lick if you'd been particularly is this like a Clockwork line no it was remote control it remote control remote control he had the controller in his desk and he said you've such a good get out the handline and you'll get a lick and if you'd been bad you put them on your hand and you strike you strike at your hand so the handline had two settings it could lick or it could strike yes good boy bad boy right good boy bad boy now the only problem with it of course was what this story the only problem was because if the batteries got low it would get [Laughter] constipated no anyway but in this cupboard so we got up on the cupboard um you climb onto the cupboard that the handline is is housed in probably asleep right you you reach up under the ceiling tile take out the dictaphone switch it off Mr whitling ham comes back in yes what happens he's nervously awaiting another you know addict from above doesn't come carry on with the lesson um British government and politics it was a lesson called British government and politics yeah how year on that two years it was a level for these sick formers yes a hand lion a handline that can either lick or strike with what was used to express praise or or the opposite to these 17 or 18 18yearold students and it and it was very effective all right would you like to move on to the final claim so Lee tell the story about Keith I was at Village fate and uh why were you at a village fate I was helping out what village T's diton why were you helping out at T's D fate because I don't live too far away from there and they asked me to help out and I did a few little things like I did I did a bit of tombow a bit of announcing then I went over to judge the the pig racing the usual things you a fate you know the pig racing yeah I don't know why I judged it CU Sur he first passed the post but well it was I was doing case of a dead heat and what happened with the with the hawk and Keith and the wig one of the things um I had to do was to volunteer to stand there and and learn he had the little uh headpiece on where we teach the crowd basic falconry I believe we call it I stick the stick the glove on and uh then hold this little thing I don't know what it was but doing this small morsel of meat thank God you've been to W because I haven't I'm alling a small Morel of meat then what happens and then uh the swan comes down the swan came down so the hawk comes over right it comes over there's a person missing from the story and it's the myr right the local my I can't say in in I always the the May right the standing next to a horse yeah so the local so the the the May is doing his bit but the my has got a wig on right the hwk Flies over to go and land on my hand but he lands on the my's head and so he gets caught up in his in his what should we call them uh Talons Talons caught up in the talons and then in the sort of panic the bird sort of he can't release this wig and and he flies off and he goes into the tree I said why didn't he go for the meat and he said I genuinely think the gold chain caught his eye there was a bit of confusion for a second and he just did a bit of an emergency landing on a on a m wig at TS didn't face whats there not to believe at that point did you did you cry oh no the mer hers over [Applause] there all right so David's team is Keith Bob's classroom prankster David's blanked buddy or Le's Hawk Handler I was believing Bob until the fact that he was 18 and the hand lion I'm leaning towards David I think I'm leaning towards David I think I think it's Bob and I think he panicked cuz he knew we were on to him so he went on a ridiculous riff about handline to throw us off the scent I'll go Bob but I've been wrong before Sarah I've got to go David we go David you're saying David MH Keith please reveal your true identity my name's Keith and uh Bob and I recorded voices and the [Music] Dictaphone yes um Kei is Bob's classroom tankster I would never have believed all that stuff about a handline was completely true thanks very much ke thank you I was ticked off by the Headmaster after I mistakenly packed a pina colada in my daughter's lunchbox for a school trip wa wow oh what what did you think it was well they have these lovely really lovely like frozen packs for the freezer and you just take them out and squeeze them out it's like a little frozen but they really look juicy I thought it was just a little juice are you thinking of fruit CHS and things no no no I'll tell you the name do you want to know the brand name of it yes I do Capri Sun oh the fruit drink in a pouch delicious love them so why did you think that it was anything else cuz you were the one that bought it yeah because I just buy lots of stuff for the fridge I just grab because I'm not with it in the morning cuz I've been having p a gadus the night before what did the person at school you did you get a telephone call you invited in oh I was mded in on what did they say hello your daughter's drunk yeah no she has 6s wasted again she didn't drink it she knew right away what it was it wasn't for her did she report you yeah oh she's a grass she's such a grass she tells people my mommy hides wine in the walls but the walles a wine rack oh so but they have problem with me anyway why why they've met well yeah they've met me that's number one I I do the school run in a in a bathrobe no oh what one of those really you go to school in a bathroom yes because what have you got under the bathroom none of your business so talk to now you've gone into the school they've called you in to the Headmaster or head mistress's office what happens they just said um I suppose you thought you being funny and I said I'm sorry what was funny and they said you know what you thought was funny and I said no really SP to you like that a parent yeah you should see my fresh look they think I'm 16 that's the other problem who does the the faculty how sympathetic was this lighting was it sort of don't you find that we've been doing this show 11 years that's the most catty thing that's ever been so Katherine he says to you what do you think you were doing what happened then he had the Pina Cola in his desk drawer and said is not funny to send your daughter on a school trip with alcohol wow what do you think truth or lie I could see her doing it I really could see you doing it Catherine but I think it's a lie so basically you don't think this particular in is true but she possibly is an alcoholic I think it's most certainly a lie okay well my team seems to a lie so we'll say lie he Catherine truth or lie no it is a lie [Applause] oh yes it's a lie Catherine didn't put a calada in her daughter's lunchbox at school I invented a game called snorkel Parker music practice room there we are uh Le team what do you think what was the game called again um it was called snorkel Parker music practice room right and can you describe the game to us myself and um several friends uh we all had snorkel Parkers what is a snorkel Parker for some for some of the younger viewers it's um it's a large uh hooded coat with a fur lined the one that comes out at the front in his foot and you can you can zip it up so it comes right up and uh so that only your eyes are visible can you describe the rules imagine we've never met I've got Miss Parker what would happen next well then you and I Lee will go to the music practice room when I'm not falling for this again and you zip up your snorkel Parker and then you when someone's practicing their violin with a violin teacher in the music practice room yeah you duck down below the window and then you just come up with your snorkel Parker on so just imagine you're a historical reenactment Society you've got your members there iose I suppose I'd have to fully demonstrate it by using my um making an feel free to ask Richard and David to help you out on this will you help me out with this um well I mean I I I see this is one of the moments where I like having to all right want to do it yeah all [Laughter] right I guess so if so if you imagine that this was the music practice room and and there was some someone in there having a lunchtime a lunchtime violin lesson yeah you you would wait until they were in mid tutorial and I'm picturing it yeah and then together after three okay one two three that's it really was the secrets again the fact that they never knew who you were cuz you they wouldn't know you were cuz it's only your ey showing and he' tell you to go away so you would all duck down away and then you'd leave it for a minute come back and then you just come back up again yeah what age were you every time you were one of the teachers no maybe 13 14 right the way through to when you left right through till sixth form yeah you never got told to stop this or you got yeah well they they would bang on the window and be really furious with us years they were banging on the way they never want thought to come out they they say Lads it's getting really boring but you see I know you are Greg because you're 8 foot 6 but just out of Interest by show of hands who would like to play snorkel Parker music practice room I I'm quite keen on the game I've already played it I didn't really enjoy it it sounds ridiculous I mean the last time it do sound timly ridiculous it's almost as if you're lying do you think he is lying Lee what what are you going to say on this one well I I actually believe him I could just see you doing that for for kicks and Giggles Bob which way are you leaning with this well it's got the anticipation it's got the Jey it's got the lot what a game something tells me you're going to get a phone call from wton if this gets picked up this is just cuz I've talked about it now it's mine right it's only yours if you really played it if it's a lie then you haven't copyrighted who's if it is a lie and I've just read it off this thing whose idea is it I'm they personally wrote the LIE I'd like to I'd like to maintain the rights to balak clava Sports Hall if if anyone's interested right Lee it's time to take a guess what are you going to say we're going for true you're saying it's true okay uh Greg were you telling the truth or were you telling right because that would make me utterly pathetic wouldn't it yes I was telling the truth yes it's true uh Greg did invent a game called snorkel Parker music practice room at school Greg was very popular with the other pupils not surprising really considering they'd created him in a science lesson so please welcome this week's special guest Molly welcome Molly so first of all Deborah perhaps you could tell us how you know Molly well this is Molly she came into Dragon's Den and she was so nervous that she left after 20 minutes without saying a single word right okay uh Mark what is Molly to you uh this is my friend Molly she starred in a murder mystery play which I wrote and directed at school all right and Lee what about you this is Molly she's teaching me to ice skate because I'm going to be a best man at a wedding on [Music] Ice there we have it David over all right um well Deborah what what was Molly coming into what was her business she was it was a sort of ey sh for well sunglasses for dogs in summary and she B the dog in and it took 10 minutes to settle the dog down and then I think maybe Molly got a bit nervous and so she came up with the dog the dog's not wearing the sunglasses I'm I'm I'm simplifying it wasn't just sunglasses they were they were kind of shades for the they were slatted Shady things for the eyes the dog was wearing V they can go like that so you can turn a handle and blind the dog and did she get any money at all she didn't say a word so she didn't say a word she went straight back downstairs well after 20 minutes and you've kept in contact ever since not at all but we did meet afterwards because she was so nervous and she just felt she'd failed her well well I mean she's right she had hadn't she she'd come up with a a DFT idea and then totally failed to express it what sort of a d you be a very good Dragon David what sort of a dog was it you uh Labrador retree Labrador I do have a laborator with dark glasses on some the BL leading the [Applause] BL so was was Molly at school with you yes she was she was and so you wrote the school play which is about vaguely about a murder and you cast her in it I both wrote and cast the the play yeah and so what was what was the plot of the well I it was probably a lot of nonsense but was um uh Molly we'll be the judge of that Molly played I think the um the wife of a a rich man who was murdered and it was all a bit silly you know the way school plays are it's a while ago so I can't remember I I love the fact that that you remember every single detail off a game of Connect 4 when you were six but 10 years later theater comes and goes but Connect 4 stays with you what was it called you remember the title uh the title of of the play of the play any title just have any title work your way from titles of things you know to that'll give you time to make up the title of this play all right it was uh it was called Arsenic and Old mice which was a play on the play Arsenic and Old Lace Lee where are you learning to ice skate tell me I'm learning to ice skate at Alexander Palace right and how far have you got with it well I actually I mean can you stand on one leg and do all that stuff yet oh yeah but not on the ice cre no Alexandra Palace yeah yes so is that the nearest ice rink to where you live it's not I don't know if it's the nearest moment it's the one word I tell you no it isn't okay it isn't but when but when my uh but when my friends who said we're having this ice skating themed wedding and we're all training every week for the little moves I didn't say is the only chance you come to me cuz uh the day is all about me my friends are into ice skating so really yeah oh what an appropriate thing for their wed they're actually going to do a routine the man the man and wife right they're doing a routine on the ice cuz their ice fully clothed I hope fully clothed though fine yeah I don't know which films you watch burner but naked naked ice skating isn't really big so they going to board it off so you have an aisle of ice aisle remaining of ice the rest of the ice is sort of carpeted with seats on it I don't know not you're mixing me up with admin okay so what's your role in in it's like this I sort of tumble and [Music] then so so are you best man are you presenting the rate I am not very man yes I'm the best man so what do you have to do what skating what skating do you have to do they've done their routine and then you skating just to be absolutely clear okay so the vicer comes first Patrick you're a guest listen to me and Bally they're going to do a big routine and the Bridesmaids are going to be part of the big routine and the the idiots like me that can't do much we're just going to skate off on at the end like that I'm just talking to the members of the family as I'm walking H how many lessons are you having finished the routine and I get to the end right that I've got the ring I do one quick I don't know what they call it axle down on the knee present to groom and then the groom don't patronize me and everything's just themed and and it's going be beautiful and then where's the reception happening uh that's happening at the ski slope in receptions at Ali pal Alexander Palace as well uh right we need an answer so uh David's team is Molly Mark's Leading Lady Deborah's shy entrepreneur or Lee's ice skating teacher David well I think we're agree that Lee's story is the truth and that's the end of the round too too plausible I I think Mark would remember more about this play I think he's been very vague about this play on purpose he's fling like you think it's so he you think it's true but he's been deliberately vague yeah I think I think so does this woman look like someone that puts Venetian blinds on dogs does any woman look like that to be fair what do you think Deborah do you think Deborah yeah no you don't think you think Mark I think it's Mark well I think it's Deborah do you know what I'm starting to feel like the ugly one on blind out well I think I'm I agree with bur I think it's Deborah's former Dragon's Den contestant okay uh Molly would you please Reveal Your true identity I starred as the wife of Sir Leonard onions in Marx play AR my school when he was my house [Applause] captain yes Molly start in a murder mystery that Mark Ren directed while at school what sort of a director was he Molly masterful really yes really that's the end of the round Molly ladies and gentlemen thank [Applause] you for my first term at University I rented the bathroom in a student house and slept in the bathtub every night wait Greg yes before we even start this can you stand [Applause] up there'll be no unless David stands up with me there'll be no perspective David in fact let's have proper perspective Tomy can you stand up you know the question yeah what's the answer uh well I just uh hung off the end of the bath as i' hang off every single bed that I've ever slept in it's no no no no no no no you definitely don't hang off a bath like you hang off a bed because a bed go like that and then you hang off yeah you'd have to go up across and hang off you're small but you're not a snake Gra I think what actually uh drove me to change my circumstances was that I was genuinely I was bruising the side of my uh cheek regularly by waking up in the morning and clanging into one of the Taps can I ask why in Earth you would sleep with your head at the tap end that is mad yes well you know I was 18 years of age and I mainly lived off Thunderbird wine so bad decisions were my forte at that period so did you did you have a bed in the house did you oh oh so that was the reason you was in the there was a there was a why did you think he was in the bar I CH I chose to Phil yeah how many other people were there in the flat uh three three people what three beds yeah why would you not sleep on the floor next to the bath we had a giant uh 1970 sofa that had a particularly A peculiar cor corner unit and I took um both cushions from that corner unit and they fitted in the bath perfectly and it was incredibly comfortable so hang on it wasn't a freestanding bath a roll top yeah was it a roll top freestanding bath top it was it wasn't a freestanding bath but the but the end of the bath projected out into the room where was this Greg which town were you was this Oxford or Cambridge it was in eisworth in West London it was only because of a a mixup in housing agreement uh we soon sorted out after a term I only had to do it for a term what was the mixup I'd agreed to move in with these three guys and we got the wrong size house than God that's not that's not a mix that's just stupidity there was four of you you got a three-bedroom house been a bit of a mix the boys blamed me which is why I got the bath why did they blame you because I was the one who booked the house how did you get into [Applause] [Music] [Applause] University so Lee what do you think thinking Marcus I think it's too Preposterous to be true the Taps Taps for me you don't if you're going to sleep in a bath you don't put your head up the T silly I think it might be true but I'm not going to over oh well you're the skip you got the armb bands son I might be the you get armbands if you're a captain only if you can't swim I'm telling you I I don't know this is in the spirit of this game this is true that was sufficiently moving I'm going with it I'm saying it's true now what are you saying Skippy should we say true true not Skippy Rob not Skippy I'm not going to I'm going to fetch help I'm skip someone's falling into a mind shot for True go on mate true it we're Chang we're going for TR just saying it's true Greg Davis were you telling us the truth or were you telling a lie do you feel David any sense of genuine competition in this game yes I do yeah then I think you're going to like me very much it was a [Applause] [Music] lie yes it was a lie Greg didn't sleep in his bathtub every night for his first term at University at school I was given the nickname the charmer because I was the only one who could console the school snake whenever it got agitated David and team [Applause] oh so what type of snake was the school snake uh it was uh do you know what I genuinely can't remember what type of snake it was it was I could describe it go on go on uh legless uh it was yes it was it was about so big what was it called uh it was called I think it was called Sammy you remember its name and on its species well I'm like that with women grass snake rings a bell I think why did your school go for a snake as opposed to like a mouse or some such oh it had a mouse as well but it was in there with the snake what was in the tank uh other other than the snake it was well it was open plann uh there was a there was a there was an area in the coing where he used to sleep we used to call it the bedding area what what was there what was there what was there never mind what he used to do it's like an bed but it's just longer a lot longer a lot thinner very very long and thin extremely hard to tuck in at night they're all there by the time you've done one side and gone around the other side this this side and come up again you'd be there forever it was very long thin very long thin bed very long thin mattress this wasn't one of those snakes that likes to sleep curled up it likes to stretch out oh all right right out like that why did a snake need Charming was it a particularly aggressive snake it was it used to do this little thing where it used to raise its head up and sort of shake its head like that left or right yeah and I said to the teacher what's that what's he doing that for oh so you were taught in the same room as the snake well we we went to different lessons but in one of the classrooms this was this was during snake studies well that's what the PE teacher called it um so I I said I said as well as the other kids we were saying what does he do that for and the teacher said said uh that is a sign that the snake is getting agitated and I said I bet I can stop that and I lifted off the F and I just went like that and I stroke the back of its head as a joke and it stopped so you can't demonstrate it on a snake but no I can't but Matt is there I mean what if Matt what if Matt were to be a little agitated I wonder if employing the same methods you could calm Matt Matt could you be a little could be if you could be a snake now if you could sort of put your head down here yeah put put your head further down put your head here cuz the head starts off down right now get into character a certain angle this looks really dodgy like I'm just about to go bowling so so you're looking down right and you're the snake now suddenly you're a snake you're agitated oh my God that's an agitated snake you're all worried aren't you don't worry I'll sort this out now I'm going to use my hand cuz in proportion to the head that's a finger yeah then I stroke the back of the head like this and watch him watch the snake calm nice go [Applause] down so what do you think then David Lee claims that his teacher called him the charma and that's the nickname that stayed with him I'd have got murdered at my school if my if my teacher would have said you you're the charma that's it there's so much of that that I've got a problem with that that thing that there was a grass name my name for a decision right now I think we think it's a lie you think it's a lie Ali the Snake Charmer were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie well actually it was a lie yes it was a ly uh lee wasn't nicknamed the charmer at school because he was the only one who could calm the school snake I used to try and scare school friends by planting a particular drawing in their pockets signifying death wait what are you saying what was the drawing it was an owl the owl of death its full title was actually the hootowl death sign oh what would you mean the owl of death what was it doing in this drawing whoow death sign that old chest I could draw it for you if you like Greg yeah I've got a pen I've got some paper I'll come over there no I'll I'll I'll come to you don't stand up next to me it just highlights it can you great can you so please draw the owl of death so don't look at it David you'll die oh my God oh my oh oh please put it away wa just imagine just imagine you're innocently you went in your pocket in Ming your own business oh what's this in my oh no it's the of death your friends would find that in their pocket and be not my friends my deadly enemies right what would what would be the purpose of that it was serve for people who had crossed my friend and I well what kind of things would they have to do to cross you there was an English teacher who we uh found a bit boring so he uh slipped one in his pocket that was the that was the highlight of the whole campaign actually was that the English teacher once stood up in front of the class and was chatting away and went into his pocket and went oh and he went sorry everyone um does anyone know anything about this cuz I've just did you was the purpose of it to to scare them like you would tell them later on it was you or no no of course not we were both n cowards did you you created a sort of Mythology around what might happen if you found the hotel of death in your pocket in our minds anyone who found the hotti of death in their pocket would uh very shortly afterwards meet their [Music] demise time to take a guess what are you going to say is what do we think Phil do you think do you think that is possible I I think it's possible but I think it's it's a lie I think it's a lie okay you say lie you say lie what about you Lee I say lie right Greg yes truth or lie well it would be pretty tragic if two uh boys had spent their youth doing that wouldn't it true and it is indeed true yes it's true Greg did try and scare school friends by planting a particular drawing in their pockets signifying death possession all right box under the desk Lee like you to read the card first and then show us what's in there Le I spent an entire year in a plastic work class at school and this is the only thing I managed to make plastic work what is it what is it I don't know can we have a look can we make can you bring thank you it's you bastard I treated teddy bear with such respect what is it all ironically it's a luggage tag is it a luggage T it's a key ring it's a key ring was it a key ring what is it are you are you a big sports fan I do follow football yeah which team do you follow I follow Blackman Rovers black Rovers black doesn't begin with an L that what was the LFC uh it was uh Liber Arie for Chancellor it's it stands for Liverpool Football Club yes he did yeah yeah why did you make a Liverpool Football Club key ring in plastic work because they didn't have uh blue and white plastic Blackman rers they have red plastic so I thought well I'll give it the the the Liverpool Football Club because it's red right why did you do what age were you when you did that was it at school then uh no he's in Broadmore you say it took you a year no a year oh I mean I've never heard of plastic work I know well the thing is in 1982 plastic was the future I know I I don't I don't in any way disparage plastic that's fine I like plastic plastic is very useful but glass at school plastic doing for plastic work how did you cut it what did you use not like that I don't think you're in any position to get all Hy about your plastic cutting technique if this is the only we [Applause] have I must say I I don't believe this but I'd love to know what this object is who made it and why but I think we think it's a lie okay they say it's a lie Lee is it a truth or is it a lie it is in fact true oh plastic work that was that was a lesson that never caught on plastic work does anyone else do plastic work did you get marked on that was that great uh I got a 2-1 and we went straight to Oxford what you think yes is true and I don't know exactly what LFC stands for but I'm guessing the first word is lazy so please welcome this week's special guest Simon so uh McKenzie crook what is Simon to you this is Simon and when I hoaxed my school by burying some treasure Simon found it and the police were called okay all right Chris how do you know Simon this is Simon in a virtual world we're married and uh finally uh David Mitchell your relationship with Simon this is Simon he has a large tattoo of my face on his knee so there we have it um is Simon McKenzie's treasure hunter Chris's cyber spouse or David's tattooed fan Lee's team where would you like to start David yes how do you know Simon um I know him because when I was doing a book signing of a comedy book uh he came and asked for the book to be signed and also asked me to sign my name underneath the tattoo of my face on his knee when he's got when he when you sign the face is the face normal when the knee is stretched or is the face normal when it's not stretched look it's my face it's not normal at all I I question but you've got to answer this honestly when I don't okay people from W I lie to you said we're going to invite on that man who's got a tattoo of your face on his knee did you say oh good I'd like to see him again I'm of course thrilled to uh to remake the acquaintance of um of yeah Simon it's Simon Simon Simon so I did something just to digress a little bit I once got this true backstage after a gig a woman asked me to sign her bosom and I went to sign that with the pen that she gave me and and the pen didn't work I and without thinking I went to the other breast and went [Applause] awful uh McKenzie how old were you when you buried this treasure uh maybe 13 or 14 what was the treasure diamonds God who how got everyone's attention diamonds fake diamonds it was a h so how many fake diamonds uh probably six where did you get all of six fake diamonds from my sister's jewelry box what and then you rang up the police and hoaxed them into coming down to find some fake diamonds no they were they were I put them in the tin and they were dredg in the school pond so I knew if I placed it in the pond it would be found and where did he fit into this Simon found the tin with the supposed diamonds and a letter that I'd faked uh what did it say on the letter it said something along the lines of these are stolen smuggled diamonds who who whoa whoa who whoa whoo so you're telling me that diamonds were found with a letter go these are smuggled diamonds and someone went we better find the police this is genuine was there a punishment involved nobody ever found out it was me the police came back and said that they' analyzed the diamonds and they weren't diamonds and it was obviously a host so they caught Ronnie bigs but they couldn't get you you happy to move on now yeah Chris you're married in a virtual world tell us a little bit more about how you met Simon second life is a a a virtual world that exists on the internet secondlife.com and I'm one of the players the various roles that you can play you you invent an avatar for yourself and you are my avatar is alrey hurn this what alrey help burn so you're playing the woman in this relationship yes why have you got a second life as a as a woman well part of the whole thing is that you can be whatever you want to be and as I say a lot of people take it don't start singing I am what I am I thought well I'll change my personality I'll be Audrey helburn as the Audrey helburn happens to be one of my real life right couldn't do headb bur cuz someone had already done it and what is Simon's Avatar he is Simon Bernstein Jr right and right and where did you meet him in this virtual world well when you go on there you you you you can go to places and then you meet people they contact a bit like real life but for so his name Simon and his pretend name is Simon yes but his real name is Simon Morgan presumably rather like alrey heurn he couldn't be Simon Morgan because someone had already done that there were about 20 million people not Audrey heurn no help Burn yeah no but you wanted yes but he is Morgan like a psychiatrist C you are not or I'm not going to tell you again we went through this last week you're not orary head I still haven't established where you met Simon Bernstein Jr I met him at a cocktail party yes I married him for his money but I I married I believe you because when you said you married him for his money do you see his face he couldn't help said that no that was the ink on his knees Dr what are you going to say Le who you think it is this is this is a tricky one for me Victoria who is who is he connected with if this was a poker game and I had to make a call I'd say McKenzie is the one who's not bluffing you're going by body language but that's interesting what is it about his body that tells you he's he's not bluffing it he has a certain he has a s of calm I know for a fact he's under heavy medication I don't know look from a different way the Simon is far too geeky for tattoos on his knees but the Avatar thing I think sounds just a bit too plausible I think it's McKenzie well listen Victoria is a top poker player she knows body language better than anybody so are you're saying that it's definitely McKenzie crook you're saying that it's the buried treasure yeah okay Simon would you like to reveal your true identity my name is Simon and when we were at school together I discovered McKenzie's buried treasure everything that uh McKenzie said was absolutely true Simon found the treasure McKenzie buried it his school and actually we can show you the letter have a look at this in this 10 I have played stolen you don't mind me doing it with an accent do you in this 10 I have Play Stolen diamonds you're going to do it with an accent I would never claim to have your range as an actor David shall I do Posh and repressed or repressed and Posh well done now thank you very much Simon for coming on how about [Applause] that I have such a terrible singing voice that one year my teacher told me to mime during our school Carol concert what was the what was the song What was what was the song I don't know I wasn't there it was it was a it was a range of of Christmas carols oh there's a few that you were about at you just you were bad full St wasn't just the one song oh no no I know you're rightly I sung some of them like an angel Oh Come All You faithful I just would scream the word so what did she did she say this in front of everybody um no no no I was I was sort of Taken aside and and said look you're finding this a bit difficult aren't you and it's it's put it's putting some of the other boys are so truth or lie time to decide it's kind of too obvious and too easy so I don't know no you're thinking of me it's a line I think it could be just a lie I we say lie the team says lie we go with lie yeah okay David truth or lie it is a [Applause] lie it's a lie David was not told to mine during his school Carol concert because he has such a terrible singing voice David's never been asked to keep quiet at school well once but out of respect to the gym teacher career we won't go into that there was a saying in my old school if Lee Mack can pass his geography O Level then anyone can it's eminently plausible David but is it true um what I mean in what way did it constitute a saying I mean I'm sure somebody could have said it does that make it a saying I'll be honest it wasn't on the coat of arms at the school apparently it was it was said for a few years after I left what was it about your approach to geography that led your geography teacher to think you were pretty much the worst person at geography on Earth well because we used to do mock uh you do mocko levels the year before and I failed it badly so they said you're all going in the CSE class which was for the kids who used to hit nails with hammers and my mom went down to the school and said he just failed it and with that extra chance he'll pass it and they looked at her sad little cryed eyes and and that of coal on her back and they said yeah M they said we'll give him that one chance look Lee if this isn't being developed into a film then you've been robbed what what was the grade the grade that I passed with yeah C so if you had that is a grade listen this is important right I doubt that but carry on no wonder you're single so lie Li Li lie uh lee l Le what no that's the name of your Vietnamese bride who who even who even as I speak is at home right now banging against the inside door of the Airing cupboard I'll be home soon my sweet Lee live it is in fact true true I can't eat custard creams because they remind me of Spencer witfield who bulled me at school D what did Spencer Whitfield do to you he uh pinned me down with his mates and he forced fed me custard creams why not just beat you up why did they want to feed you carded cream did you look thin we the kind of lessons we had was um believe it or not in secondary school right we'll go around the class and you've all got to tell us your favorite biscuit one you like one you hate what subject was this it was home economics and uh did you do a level economics no I didn't do a levels obviously look at me what do you think the effect of a levels on the face are see got the scars the type of school you went to if you were a boy you couldn't do home economics you would have been doing woodwork yeah no I think you're mixing me up with the film kez well it was a choice between kestrels and coal I was allowed to choose home economic why did you choose that subject above CS or genuinely I thought it was about money I thought I'd learn how to use money in a sensible way and I got in there and it was uh full of the uh kids that wanted to do cooking and needlecraft who were big bullies so David what are you going to say I don't think it's true really but um you're you're pretty set on on it being a lie okay fair enough um Lei is is it true or is it a lie it's a lie one of my best friends at school was a little man I'd made from a slice of toast that I always kept in My Band okay yes true next question what was his name Tim Tim toast in the toast man how did you make him I cut him I cut actually cut I actually figured him myself sciss scissors or or a knife uh scissors scissors so you got a piece of toast brown or white good question brown brown toast was he buttered no he wasn't butter that would be stupid David I was thinking make you make yourself a piece of toast you butter it unthinkingly before oh no that was the one I was going to cut out and make a now unfortunately I buttered my friend but then my friend will be more buttery which is the fats in the butter would help preserve the friend from the mold which will otherwise develop which is going to be the central part of my next question how long did Tim last before he rotted and what did you feel when you saw Tim who you created I st listening about 10 minutes ago what are you asking me I'm asking what happened about the rotting of Tim I don't remember a rotting how how old were you when you made Tim seven seven or eight and how old were you when you stopped being interested in Tim uh 29 and what did he what did he do Tim did you never have an imaginary friend he was just this wasn't an imaginary friend this is a friend that just happens to be made out of a piece of toast did you make him you know in your own image I do you remember designing big legs because I wanted him to be a fast runner like what I was where did Tim sleep in the Soler did you take him to bed morning all right then David's team I think you you've heard enough um what do you think toia I think it's true I'd be very happy to make a small piece of toast friend I think true I I'm I'm I don't know so I'm happy to go with true yes you're saying it's true true okay Miranda is it true is it a lie it is in fact [Music] it oh God it was a lie all along uh one of Miranda's best friends at school was not a little man that she'd made from a slice of toast well it makes sense now a little man who lives in a woman's handbag is both the plot of a Charming children's story and grounds for committal to a psychiatric Institution

Channel: Would I Lie To You?

Views: 334,654

Keywords: #wilty, british comedy, british panel show, david mitchell, david mitchell wilty, david mitchell would i lie to you, lee mack, lee mack wilty, lee mack would i lie to you, rob brydon wilty, rob brydon would i lie to you, wilty, wilty nope, would i lie to you, would i lie to you bbc, would i lie to you full episode, would i lie to you nope, would i lie to you school stories, school stories would i lie to you, would i lie to you school, greg davies school stories

Id: yUx2m85UjOI

Length: 148min 12sec (8892 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 03 2024