September 2017 CAYA, "Are You Ready for a Relationship or Marriage?"

I'm excited God put in motion some things that I believe set the stage for we're gonna be dealing with and talking about tonight through Simona my own experiences and the opportunity to reflect and then to know that there's a sister whom God took through her own set of circumstances to be a blessing to others and she's with us tonight and she's published and I'm gonna do my best to move quickly out the way so that she kind of come in take a little bit about her journey which I hope would then lead to some time of question and answer would you balance me in prayer let's get our hearts and minds ready for God to speak tonight well we thank you for the season of life we're in as you prepare and groom us for greater and better things and acknowledge that that grooming process doesn't always feel good it doesn't always tickle but indeed you are the God who works all things together for our good you never waste an experience even if it wasn't a good one lord I thank you that you redeem our lives and redeem the time of our lives now lord I pray that you prepare heart in mind now to receive what I believe you desire to speak we may leave this place prepared for whatever your next season of life is for us in Jesus name we pray amen for those who are with us for the first time and for those who know when we first cast a vision of rakaia the desire was just to be relevant to be certain that there was some place in space where we as young adults could kind of come and talk about the real issues of life and a transparent way not having to pretend to be something we're not not having to act as if we're always perfect but know that we're progressing and I believe that God honors progress even more than perfection because you can't minister to anybody out of perfection but you can minister to people out of progress and I've received some flak every now and then for being too transparent about some of my few slips and stumbles and life but I'm grateful to God that y'all keep giving me a chance to be transparent with you we want to be relevant and clearly one of the most relevant issues that we deal with in this season the stage of life our relationships particularly the desire or the dream to one day the husband or to be wife it's amazing when we advertise that KY is going to be about relationships what the attendance looks like I mean when we do a Kaia on prayer you know ain't nobody in here you talking about witnessing and winning souls by five folks show up talk about relationship and the balcony is full a man that's just that's just the way Kaia is because really it's it could be one of the most critical decisions we ever make in life who you choose to partner yourself with with the intention of making it to death do you part to that end we've we've dealt with marriage in a few ways did a session a few years ago on being unequally yoked and looking at reshaping that and revisiting it and when we go down to Durham so if you're wondering about Kaia at Duke it's gonna be about the dangers of being unequally yoked in relationships so you can help spread the word or turning I don't know if we're gonna be streaming but if you're pray for us that's what we're gonna be dealing with had a session about before you put a ring on it some things you need to learn and do before talk about what men need to know about women and what women need to know about men and brought some couples and some single folk up to the stage but tonight I want to attack it from a different venue a different vantage point as we talk about relationships the possibility and potential of marriage tonight I want to deal with it from the perspective of looking in the mirror I think one of the real signs of maturing is when you learned that in every circumstance your first response ought to be to look in the mirror rather than pointing a finger right that there's always something storms and struggles are revealing to you about you too many people go through life missing the lesson God's trying to teach them about themselves because they're always trying to focus on what God is showing you about someone else right when in essence we all have some work to do all of us our works in progress the minute you stop realizing you need to grow as a minute people are gonna get tired of you so looking in the mirror as we get ready transition in the marriage I want to begin by reminding you that I really believe that marriage can be one of three things it could be one of three things and allow me if you will today as Joey gets ready I want to talk to you like a big brother allow me to take the Reverend doctor off for a moment and talk to you as a big brother who has been in the place many of you sit in today had deep dreams and desires to go through a marriage that didn't work right and if you'll give me the space of being able to talk from that place and not from a place of an expert I don't lift myself up as some marriage perfectionist as a matter of fact I learned going through my divorce the toughest people in the world are the ones who judge your experience by their own relationships so they they they were able to make it and then they judge you for not being able to right not realizing that every relationship is unique and different right so before I begin as big brother I need to I need to just figure out who and ask how many mayor's folk we get married folk if you may raise your hand okay if you're happily married raise both up no joke how many single folk how many folk single everybody's singing about definitely single okay watch this watch this Charles watch this how many of y'all in serious committed relationships sometimes a pastor don't ask me to do that no don't do that don't do that it's a whole lot of single folk in here so good good this is an opportunity to speak to you some before you launch out and I want to speak from the wisdom of Big Brother I sometimes think about what I would share with my children as they get ready to declare their desire to be married you know what life lesson do I want to pass on to them and it's kind of helped shape what I want to share with you tonight marriage can be one of three things marriage can be magnificent and if you've ever seen a couple that sort of deigned by God and truly in love you've never seen anything more beautiful than that there are a few things as beautiful as a man who really loves his wife and a wife who truly loves her husband I'm talking about the ones that girl if I need to rub his feet on a rub his feet that's just all it is you know that's my husband you know and a man is clear look I'm going home to my wife y'all leave me alone there's nothing in the world like a happily married couple and some of us have had the benefit of being raised in houses that exemplified magnificent marriage unfortunately that number is small the more prevalent one is that mayor's can be the second thing if it's not magnificent it can be mediocre and there are a lot of couples who after experience in time reach a place where marriage is just transactional it's more about a partnership and convenience than it is about an intimate connection some of us have been witness to marriages where they slept in different bedrooms but they made it work they were more concerned about family more concerned about kids more concerned about finances and they became mediocre there was no real love and intimacy we weren't raised in houses where you know dad was chasing mom around the kitchen and told y'all to go upstairs cuz you know I need to talk to your mama you know you know you look at it but nobody here who is single wants to predict that 30 years from now you'll be in mediocrity and that's just not where you want to go I don't want to be married and sleeping in different beds I don't want to be married and not be happy marriage can be magnificent it could be mediocre a marriage can be miserable disk i/o we come to tell the truth right and being in a miserable marriage probably on the worst things you'll ever experience in life a place where you're not satisfied we're not happy we're sitting around dreaming about killing the person you married okay do you you do know that whenever someone is killed you know who the number-one suspect is the spouse police can go talk to your spouse first to clear them off the list because they realize marriage can be miserable and no one wants to land in a miserable marriage nobody wants to end in a place where there's absolutely horrible where it goes misery and marriage leads to one of two things for some people misery and marriage leads to iniquity because they don't have the courage to deal with the misery and so they medicate the misery with iniquity you medicate it with adulterous relationships you medicate it with things that are not beneficial to your marriage and drinking and in gambling and staying out with friends because you don't want to go home or it lands in divorce and although divorce is sometimes an evil necessity to reboot it is a horrible experience to go through and I testify as one I don't brag about that if I can do anything to keep you from going to divorce I'll do my very best it is a god-awful experience to go through it's a horrible thing to stand in the courtroom and have somebody else adjudicative er your financial affairs and the welfare of your children are stranger making decisions about the next odd years of your life I mean it's a horrible horrible thing I tell you all the secret confession I was held in contempt of court during my divorce hearing because I because I stood up and told the judge this is [Applause] can I be honest so actually I didn't stand I was sitting and something went wrong something was going on and I mumbled on my breath this is him and the judge said what did you say so I lifted my head I said this is some so he says to me say it again so I stood up I felt my lawyer pulling me down I said I said this is some I'm suing a few hours in Fairfax County Jail I decided that's true story thank God your record is expunged amen that was a bad day that was a bad day because it can get really ugly right and I would hate to see anyone I care for the same I would care for you just for being in this place to ever wind up there how does it get there though I mean nope no couple I've ever married stood right here believing there was gonna end up in either mediocrity or misery all right cuz the wedding is beautiful Amen that the wedding makes you want to get married you know when people get that fever you know they we're at a wedding I got someone in my family now I can't name because they watch but I got someone in my family we don't let her go to weddings anymore cuz their time should go to a wedding and she want to get married and after the third when we had to look this is clearly not right they're not your strongest quality how do you get there well there are a million answers to that because relationships are all different I've come now to believe and think in my own heart that maybe marriage ain't for everybody and as much as we dream about it as much as we desire it no one wants to just say that they're okay no no I don't know anyone in their 20s and early 30s who says I don't ever want to be married I'm very few very few for many of us even if we don't admit it even if we're not working on it if we're not moving at it were open to the possibility that God would one day bring a soulmate someone who'll be with me for the rest of my life it becomes something we idealized it's something we look forward to it something we desire what I do know looking over my own experience and having reflected over counseling so many others is it's very easy to get married before you're ready to be married it looks good but you ain't ready for it dr. Rudolph mckissick was here at our church love while ago and he used an illustration in a sermon by buying his son a suit but he bought it too big and rather than taking it back his wife just hung it in the closet it said it's his but he's got to grow into it what what if God does desire and have that perfect person for you that marriage but you've got to grow into it that you're not ready for it now give another example I am I love riding my motorcycle it's therapeutic for me and I had this big decision as my sons became teenagers whether to give up my motorcycle or not because I realized the more I ride in the presence of a 13 year old you know what's gonna happen he's gonna want a motorcycle and so inevitably deuce asked me a little while ago dad when can I have a motorcycle I said when you get speed out of your system when you've driven a car long enough to no longer desire to cut folk off in a speed but want to be safe because you're never gonna be a safe rider into you're safe driver so when you grow to the point of being safe driving you'll be safe riding that there things God has for us the things that we desire but the Lord often says times you got to grow into it you've got to mature to the place where you can receive it so I began thinking and praying Lord what are some of the signs that you're really ready as I look over my own life as you think about yours it's easy to think you're ready to want to be ready what about the Word of God so to that end I want to invite you to hear the reading of a passage of Scripture if you've got an app on your smart device with the Bible or if you brought a real Bible I want you to here reading that I think speaks volumes about when you know you're ready or not ready to get married anybody ready for this we ready to buckle up and go on the ride all right okay I'm gonna invite you to the second chapter of the book of Genesis Genesis chapter 2 if it takes you too long to get there you do not go to church that if your neighborhood struggling for Genesis to write their name down time I'm gonna pray for you tonight amen just as Chapter two it is one of the accounts of the first ordained male-female relationship in Scripture that of Adam and Eve right so let's hangout beginning in verse number eight and I want to ask to keep your Bibles open that this may be a little bit of a Bible study to set the path for where we're headed just the two verse eight the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden there he put the man whom he had formed and now the ground the Lord God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food The Tree of Life was also in the midst of garden and the tree of knowledge of good and evil now our river went out of Eden to water the garden and from there it parted and became four river heads the name of the first is fish on it is the one which skirts the whole land of havilah where there is gold and the gold is this using me and the gold of the land is good bdellium and the onyx stone are there the name of the second river is Gahan and it is the one which goes around the whole land of cush somebody say Africa the name of the third is nickel it is the one that goes toward the east of assyria the fourth River is the Euphrates then the Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to tend and keep it and Lord God commanded the man saying of every tree of the garden you may freely eat but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat for in the day that you eat it you shall surely die Lord God said it is not good that man should be alone I will make him a helper comparable to him watch the order and out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them whatever Adam called each living creature that was his name so Adam gave names to all the cattle to the birds to the air to every beast of the field but for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him and the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam and he slept and he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in his place then the rib which Lord God had taken from man he made into a woman and he brought her to Adam brought her to the man and Adam said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh and she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh interesting God says that Adam ain't got a mother and daddy come on we gonna dig in Bible tonight okay and they were both naked the man and his wife and we're not ashamed okay I want to share with you very quickly from this about seven signs that you're ready to get married when you get the Genesis - it sounds like a repeat of Genesis 1 anybody who reads it knows there are 2 creation accounts one is kind of the CliffsNotes version and the others more detailed one of the major differences between Genesis 1 and 2 is this then in Genesis one male and female are created at the same time in Genesis 2 however the Creation of Adam precedes the creation of Eve that the Lord God does not create and bring Eve to Adam I would argue until certain requirements are met in Adams life that show he's ready for Eve I stay with me example this is where we get into the Bible that that the Lord holds back the creation of woman until there's some things that are evident they point to the reality that Adam can now handle a woman and digging through that I would suggest that there are some real prominent things that God looks for in our lives there are signs and symbols that maybe we truly are now ready for what he's ordained in a life partner in a spouse so what I want to do quickly is drop about 7 of them on you from this text and we're going to move on quickly all right seven signs seven things that we see an Adam that make him ready for God's gonna do an Eve alright first thing I want you to take note of is that even though Adam is alone and we run to what is that verse we run to verse 18 God said it's not good for man to be alone right who says it's not good for man to be alone okay so who said it wasn't good for man to be alone Adam never said it in Genesis 2 in the creation story Adam is in Garden of Eden but Adam never complains about not having anyone there there's something about Adam that makes him content and his singleness what does Adam have that makes him content to not have a woman they say it again he's got God he's in a relationship with God who the Bible says communicates with Adam and comes down to the garden and walks that they're part of what establishes Adams readiness is that he recognizes first and foremost I've got to learn to be content in my relationship with the Lord that until that relationship is rightly established how can you expect God to bless you another how can you expect God to bless you in a godly marriage when you and God aren't right yet you're asking God to say listen I'll bless you with someone else and just skip me write that one of the foundations of any marriage are two individuals who are a whole and complete in their walk with God and I'm not just talking about you believing a god and you got a Jesus bumper sticker and a cross tattooed on your back I'm talking about daily interaction with God daily prayer a place of contentment here's what the Bible says you know in Matthew 6:33 seek ye first the kingdom of God and all its righteousness and everything else will be added unto you here's what Jesus says it's real simple get God first and God handles everything else if God is not the head of your life if your relationship with the Lord is not important to you you cannot to enter a godly marriage someone does not complete your relationship with God no one can fill in that blank that has to be something your content and complete with and I believe that God doesn't ordain or send the right person in until you've made a decision that God is all I need and if that's all I'm ever gonna have I'm gonna be alright in Revelation Jesus speaks to the seven churches and in Revelation chapter 2 he's speaking to the church in Ephesus is the first church he speaks to and he says to the church in Ephesus here's the problem I have with you you lost your first love that when you've lost your first love you'll never know what true love really is that my relationship with God gives me an understanding of how I can love her and until I get this right I'll never be able to make this right so the very first thing Adam has that makes them ready is that Adam has a strong and satisfying relationship with the Lord and I want to encourage you to work on your walk with God if you truly desire one day to be a good husband if you truly desire to be that good thing that a man found and found a wife in you you better first get right with God right built that relationship now the fact that you're in church you should have seen that one coming right that's not a surprise to anybody you know I have to start with that that's first thing as in relationship with the Lord second thing that's important is that God has shaped Adam and placed him in the garden and he's given him an assignment the assignment is to tend to the Garden of Eden and God will not bring a woman until Adam is doing what he was created to do until he's walking in purpose until he's accepted his assignment until he's clear on his god-given nature until he understands what God would have of me because here's the reality we always say that a spouse is a help mate well if you don't know what you've been created to do how do you know what they're supposed to help you do that what God desires is for your relationship with him to be fruitful in your understanding your divine purpose your assignment your career what does God put you on this earth to do so that someone can then fill in the blank you need to identify what God has called for you I believe that the best marriages are ones that are shaped with people who have a clear sense of call in their life who have a clear sense of assignment who set an agenda for things they're trying to get done so the person who God sends in is the one you can identify can help you get done the list of things God has to you not give you an assignment God never created you for and that can only be worked out in your own relationship with the Lord that's why that one's first so that when I'm fulfilling purpose when I'm when I'm walking in when I'm clear about what God wants me to do it's easier for me to have clarity on whether this is the one for me or not because I need to know are you aiding and assisting what I believe is my divine assignment or are you pulling away from it and all of us know what it's like in singleness to be in relationship with someone who pulled away from what you thought God called you to do because the easiest way for the devil to keep you out of purpose is to emotionally connect you to someone who's trying to pull you out so that you're more concerned about their emotional well-being than completing your divine assignment come on talk now so that I will sacrifice destiny for their happiness let me tell you how you know you're grown when you are right with them being hurt so that you can pursue what God has called you to be you can be upset I'm sorry this hurt your feelings now I apologize did you feel like wasting your time but you're gonna be alright I'm will be alright and hit him with and made the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another amen so God desires having to be in a relationship with him operating in his purpose now watch this this where I believe we've never really read this text correctly about how God orders things God says in verse 18 you still got your Bibles open still got it God says in verse 18 it's not good for man to be alone we need to make a helper comparable to him Adam needs to help me Adam needs somebody to help him out that's what God says in verse 18 right okay just right okay for those who are new this is an african-american church which means that there are no rhetorical questions when I ask you talk back to me right can I get an amen so God says in verse 18 it's not good for having to be alone and then what is God so God says verse 18 we gotta find somebody for Adam gotta find something that helps Adam out being alone what then is God's next move in verse 19 what is God's next move God forms what animals watch it it's not good for Adam to be alone but God's initial answer is not woman come come on come on just read the Bible you'd be a better Christian gods first answer is an attempt to create animals that will help deal with Adams loneliness that may be tending to animals will help cure what the problem is it's almost as if God tries something that doesn't work right but God's first move is not to create Eve is to form animals out of the dust the ground and brings them to Adam to see what Adam will name them stay with me when God brings heed that's the only time Adam says woman but when God brings animal adamson lying there nothing that comes out of me what Adam does is Adam sees what is presented and is able to recognize that ain't for me that that that's that's not going to help me that I'm not going to take everything that's presented to me because everything that's presented to me it's not gonna help me in my assignment all right so what do you need who is going to eat is watch y'all clap but watch how quiet it gets what God says you really need is the discipline of being able to say no to everything that's presented in your loneliness so that you can preserve yourself for something that is part of your ordained destiny gon teach pastor look I'm lonely I'm alone but I can't jump in everything that comes my way and settle on something in my loneliness that ultimately will keep deterring me from something greater than God has as long as you keep settling you'll never have vision of something greater that God has you've got to learn to tell yourself no I could have that but that ain't me watch watch the difference here this this gets deep is Bible what's the difference between the woman and the animals besides obviously no species what's the difference okay we ain't going there I ain't anywhere I'm learning what's the difference how they're formed the animals are formed from the dirt eve is formed out of him and adam says I can't accept something that's not made like me to accept something that's dirty right that what I need is the discipline of recognizing that that is not for me the relationship with that won't produce anything relationship with that is not going to bring life relationship with that is ungodly I would rather say no to this to hold out for that because hear me discipline is the precursor to faithfulness then I cannot be faithful without knowing how to tell myself no because what you want to know is that your spouse can be out and about and half-sister boom boom walk by [Applause] and he can tell himself no that ain't for me there's got to be some discipline because our discipline there can never be faithfulness and without faithfulness the trust of the marriage is already broken so maybe God sets this up to be certain that even though Adam is looking Adam can still discern that ain't for me and that I will wait for something that's made like me rather than just take what's available to me all right so God says you got to have some discipline Adam Adam sees these animals realizes that they can't really connect in a way that brings life but there's a bigger problem in dealing with animals the bigger problem Adam can't communicate with them we can't talk and one of the number one problems that ruins a marriage is the inability to communicate you know communicate I tell people all the time that marriages have issues and marriages typically have one problem the problem is communication the issues can be a lot of different things but if you can communicate you can work out issue you know a good communication is it's a fire hose at the end of the hallway so that when something breaks out we got a tool that can help put the fire out and you're in trouble if you don't have that fire hose if there's no communication if you can't learn to express yourself so part of the necessity of a marriage and a good relationship is my ability to communicate now communicating a relationship I believe happens in some fundamental ways number one being able to control your anger you don't know a negro until they're mad I got to pay attention to you when you are angry because if you going off and throwing and cussing and hitting the wall how does one communicate when they're angry it's a critical thing number two realizing that my actions will always communicate more than my words and do I put value and action or do I put value in lip service my dad had a quote you all have heard me say before you so always tell me your actions speak so loud I can't hear what you're saying that I'm listening to what you do now it comes out of your mouth can I communicate to you through my action anybody can say what needs to be said the problem is can you live it out how do you communicate how do you express disappointment how do you express frustration because those are inevitable experiences in marriage are you with someone that you feel safe enough to be honest that you're disappointed in something they've done do you trust that the relationship can have some communication that's important because the end result of the marriage is that the Bible says that Adam and the woman Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed can I hang out right there for a minute let's keep it holy notice they're not nude and not ashamed now it suggests you that's the difference between being nude and being naked you can be nude with anyone naked is a level of vulnerability that nude may show you my physical body naked reveals my emotional body my mental well-being can I be vulnerable with you and for many people marriage is difficult because they've not gotten over the fear of being vulnerable because we know what happens when you're vulnerable you can be hurt and out of defense mechanism you're never naked when in essence a good marriage is one that I know I can share with you my good my bad and my ugly and know that I'm in a safe space and I'm not going to be hurt are you mature enough to be vulnerable have you processed your stuff enough that you can openly share who you are or are you going to go into a marriage believing that you still need secrecy now hear me every marriage needs privacy there's some space for you to be private but not necessarily be secret that there's a difference okay privacy privacy so brothers brothers this is just me I'm Rama it may be helpful to you here's my rule when you go into the bathroom and you close the door whatever you do in there is between you and Jesus I don't need to know don't want to know but I'll just take what comes out right but whatever you're doing to get yourself together to look the way you want let that be true you can keep that private moment just bring out what I want to see when you come out the door that's all it is that's your private moment right everybody needs privacy right even in a marriage but there's no room for secrecy secrecy denies the vulnerability is to suggest that some things about me I can't trust you with and if I can't trust you with the good the bad and the ugly then we don't need to be in this marriage we don't need to be in this relationship headed towards marriage I need to know that I can trust you and I need to be mature enough to be vulnerable to be able to share with you some things that I don't share with everyone there's some things only your spouse should know about you because you're naked and not ashamed number six just just act just just six [Applause] you're six just stay with me I got lost in that last point okay all right number six because I need to get out the way notice what God has to do to create Eve Adam has to go to sleep and a rib has to be taken out I'll suggest you that one of the things necessary and order to know the tray to be married and it's to me Charles is the thing that I think most people don't realize marriage requires and that's the strength to sacrifice to give up something to give up something intimate and personal to release something see yes yes yes testify sister testified that that God loses to Adam I need to know can you let go of something are you strong enough to let go not to hold on but to let go there are many things that hurt a marriage one the greatest is someone who doesn't know how to sacrifice for a greater good there what matters most is that we go to bed at peace so it's here you want there's an addiction that kills a marriage the addiction of being right you don't know someone that's got to be right no matter what someone just chopping your mind you they got to win every argument there are something right listen if you're gonna be in a marriage you got to learn to take the L right you got to learn to clear some things don't matter if you want to drive that way this store I don't go argue about that fine we'll go that way I'd rather go this way but you know what we don't go that way today now I don't feel like arguing with you we gonna be all right that there are those who would literally ruin a relationship just to prove a point you gotta sacrifice to the desire to be right all the time what I want is for us to be happy what I want is for us to be holy what I want is for us to be peaceful if that means I have to sacrifice my way then so be it and that's one of the dangers for some people not all that's one of the dangers of crossing 45 and having never been married and entering into marriage later in life because after 45 got into way I do things you're gonna have to change it's hard to sacrifice when you've been doing it your own way for twenty thirty years it's a big job it's not impossible but it's a big challenge because in your world you're always right so what do you have what do you do when you're with someone and you have to yield to doing it their way simply because it brings peace and most people don't know how to sacrifice most people are selfish most people want to win most people want to be right if you haven't gotten over if you don't know how to take an L if you don't know how to sacrifice you're probably not ready okay let me finish the joys up there Nikita not a shame and then that verse I highlighted for this reason shall a man and woman leave his mother and father so man leave his mother and father and claim to his wife and they two shall become one flesh it's interesting that that that commandment is given given the fact that it happened doesn't have a mother and father why does God throw that in there because if communication is the number one problem the number two if it ain't money is interference from other people that what it takes to make a marriage work is that you've got to have the proper perspective on past relationships so that they cannot interfere with the future marriage it's not to say that people don't love you that your girlfriend and your girlfriend that your mom made the closest one to you that your dad hasn't had your back but if you're going to go into a marriage you have to have the mindset that this relationship supersedes all others and if I'm not willing to put this above all others then I'm not ready to get married if not if I'm listen listen if you're gonna be happily married take this advice from me you're gonna have to disappoint some people some people cannot have access to you in marriage the way they did in your singleness some people cannot have influence over you in your married life the way they did when you are out there by yourself no matter how close and tight they work the reason the Lord lifts up mom and dad because who is supposed to loved you more than mom and dad who's supposed to be closer to you than mom and dad and yet the Lord says when you put that ring on you better understand that even mom and dad are second to this relationship and if you've got anybody in your life that you're willing to sacrifice the emotional well-being of your spouse for their happiness you've already lost the battle she gonna have to be mad he gonna have to understand you can't go to the club no more my wife ain't cool with that and what I'm not gonna do is go out to the club with you and come home and sleep by myself there say I'm I'm gonna put it on the website there's a book called fall in love stay in love by Willard Harley Farley will it Farley and he has in there a chapter called the principle of joint negotiation what do you in essence says and I'm gonna put it on the website for you take a look at is that for mayor just to work you have to reach a point where you say I'm not gonna do anything that my spouse is not supportive of looks you already like it's to suggest that that if we're in relationship and we're married and I want to do something if I can't persuade it that I trust you enough to trust my thought that if I can't persuade you to see why this is important to me that I'm gonna sacrifice my desire to do it because I don't want to do something that I feel I can do but ultimately hurts you then everything I should I could do I shouldn't do and as a wife there will be times when you'll yield because you see my passion for it and there are times when you dig your heels in because you're not comfortable with it and if if you can't support I won't do right and it saves relationships because what you're in essence saying to someone is that you're more important to me than anything else and when you make that kind of investment in a spouse it brings great return so I closed last in this question are you ready it's you read through it I can't with job I can't I can't I can't I can't I'm done so what we wanted to do to kind of create a space I shared from Bible and I want to introduce you to a sister who shares from life she's at the boldness to kind of reflect over her own story of you know something that a lot of you all can relate to being a professional career oriented successful young black woman moving up in the world and living the ideal life and finding what she thought would be a husband only to reach the place of realizing this really isn't what I'm ready for she is a writer for ABC and she has put out a book that I would encourage you to take a look at is called the engagement game I want you to do me a favor would you welcome joy Marie Mackenzie who's gonna come and share a little bit about her story after him but no thank you Pastor for the invitation and thank you for welcoming a bishops kid from Miami preacher to a Baptist Church but before I start I have to give a shout-out to my alma mater because it's good to be home I live in Harlem oh so loud but it's good to be home the University of Maryland in College Park go Terps and like I said I've literally been in church all my life I was born on a Sunday I was know for real my mama was preaching the Women's Day sermon at her church and we know if to have me and so it feels it's kind of weird to be at a pulpit cuz I'm not used to this but they always said gonna be just like your mama I didn't know it's gonna be like this but that's okay so I'm not I'm gonna give a caveat I'm not a relationship expert nor do I want to be and I ain't to preach it like I already said but I'm a writer so from my day job I work at abcnews.com in New York and I'm an observer I didn't know the story that God was gonna give me to write my first book about would be my life and so it was the morning after Valentine's Day she's my favorite holiday that was a joke and I felt this voice inside of me nudge me loudly and I had heard this voice before it was an inside voice some call it intuition but I call it God and that voice told me to ask him now usually the voice comes to me in whispers and inside voice suggestions but this time it said ask him no but instead of being hard-headed like I usually am I want it to be obedient and so I looked over pass it on judgment but I looked over and I said do you have intentions for this relationship and he had been with me for five years so he knew that do you have intentions for this relationship meant do you intend to marry me and he said joy actually said my full name so I knew it was a wrap but he said joy Marie I'm burnt out right that's what I said so here I was now six months before this I went to my older sister and I said listen we talked about marriage we picked out rings we've fantasized what our kids were going to look like one skinny like me and one shall be like him I don't know what's taking him so long to propose I mean I'm just you got to keep it real this is kaya right okay I don't understand why it's taking him so long to propose and she said joy men don't know what they want you got to play the game now before you go judging my oldest sister who's happily married this was not a game like two can play that game these were common-sense steps that she said would help me be better prepared I was like I don't know but I have nothing to lose so let me give it a shot so the first step in the game make a list of what you want in the husband I said I don't need to do that that's my husband aren't you know who he is and she said no have you ever asked yourself what you want aside from him and at 28 years old in five years into this relationship I had never asked myself what I wanted in a relationship seemed very odd right counterintuitive and so I made the list and of course I do all these things my sister tells me to do and I still wake up alone the day after Valentine's Day and I know as a single professional woman I look like I got it going no I'm past it told you what I did for my job single professional black when we don't talk about loneliness we don't but now I found myself alone trying to start over again in a city of millions of people and I was so annoyed every time I walked over the threshold to my door realizing there was nobody there on the other side but the dog and pastor said God made animals first but I don't care because I was very upset that the only thing that would pretend like they missed me all day was his dog the loneliness and the depression that I fell into became debilitating and I wasn't able to make those good decisions so of course I had my solange moment y'all know what that is I mean this is kaya right so I drank it away and I slept it away and I traveled away and I was trying to forget about the reality that I found myself in alone and lonely but thank God I have a praying mother who taught me how to pray and so I said okay God give me a clean heart renewest within me a right spirit heal my heart bar bitterness from my heart so that when I'm ready I can accept the person that you have for me and then God has a way of giving you the things that you need to hear from people that you don't expect because while I made like oh I didn't make the decision I accepted the decision to be single again there are plenty of people who said well why don't you just make it work why are you gonna start over at 28 years old you getting oh and I mind you I'm 31 now but you getting old do you really want to start over again and it was a good question because I didn't I still love this man but I had a job to do and so it was like a Tuesday morning and I had booked Jill Scott to come into ABC and she was promoting her latest film called with this ring it was a Lifetime movie maybe some of y'all watched it yeah okay some of y'all watched it nice and the movie was great it was funny but it was everything that I hated about society because it was about three women who made a pact with each other that they were gonna get married by the end of the year right stupid sorry Jill I still love you girl and so what I didn't like about the movie was that it was placing the burden of marriage on women as if the coming together of two people was solely on us and I just refused to accept it but anyway that was but anyway Joel came in and I asked Jill I said have you ever been engaged and she said yes three times I said well what happened and she said Joey I'll put it to you like this you can hold your stomach in for four hours but you can't hold it in forever [Music] that's exactly what I said because that was what I was feeling with him I had become uncomfortable with him I had begun to shape-shift and change who I was and dim my light you don't like a girl who wears a lot of makeup no problem you don't like my bellybutton ring okay I'll take it out I didn't even fight for myself to exist so how could I really love myself like I said I did and it robbed him of the opportunity of getting to know the real me so of course he was burnt out dealing with the shell of me and then I was on Facebook and I was scrolling through trying to ignore all the perfectly manicured hands with rings on it and y'all have been there too okay thank you I'm not alone and I saw a prayer that my godmother had tagged me in and my godmothers dr. Cecilia Williams Brian and she's an amazing preacher all on her own and she was posting these prayers because she'd be doing that and that's what preachers do and she tagged me in one of them and I was like oh what's this and the prayer was it was all these wonderful amazing things like I pray for her abundance and I pray for her serenity and then the last line said and I pray for her a covenant spouse no see how she's always saying that prayer too but really I was praying for a husband and I said covenant spouse that's something different so let me get this straight now I said I was born on his Sunday but I ain't a preacher so I had to go to my Google's figure this out covenant spouse what is that and so what I found was that a husband is only defined in relation to his wife but a covenant spouse is defined by his relationship with God and that is the type of relationship that I wanted right right he said alright god I ain't gonna be praying for no husband I want you to pray for covenant spouse that's the type of relationship that I'm looking for and then I said alright god I have a new prayer and because I was a little bit confused okay let me go back because of course when you start to do your own thing you started to be happy what happens they come back they come right on back and he said joy I'm ready now I'm ready so the game worked go figure he said Joey I'm ready I got your ring money let's do this if he cost him money ladies I mean give it up to the fact thank you but he said I got your ring money let's do this and I was like I don't know I began to hesitate and I didn't understand why he was like didn't you want this I was like dad I did I was so confused I didn't but something in my spirit God is telling me girl no I have something better for you you just have to trust me I was like all right so I had a new prayer cuz at this point I was so confused I didn't know what I want I thought I went at marriage and now I'm hesitating what's wrong with me so I said all right God surprised me and my simple prayer God surprised me was much more than just another declaration another thing asking him to do something on my long list behind the husband and the kids this prayer was telling God that I wanted no say in the person that he brought into my life right I was taking my hands off of the wheel and I wanted him to bring the person into my life I wanted to live up to his ultimate imagination for my love life I wanted him to have the final say and God delivers and so fast forward I know I I ran into a woman in the bathroom she was like did you marry Adam that's the guy and that's I've named him Adam in the book because he was the first man in the Bible how's that girl no I did not I did not marry him but while I was saying those prayers God also revealed to me that I played the game all wrong and so in the beginning I talked about how I made did I talk about man nikka listen when I wasn't husband oh good y'all paying attention so in the beginning I talked about making a list of what now what I want in a husband and God said you really need to make a list of the type of wife you want to be because that's where the relationship starts it starts which and you know you ain't doing right all the time and so what are the things that you need to work on oh no okay be back and so I made a list and my iPhone be kind even to strangers smile more I had lost my smile because I was so frustrated I had begun to curse more can I keep it real I had begun to curse one because I was so frustrated I was so anxious it was coming out and curse words and so I made a list of all the things that I wanted to improve in my life and I made it a point that every morning I would look at that listen sometimes I work on the whole list and some days I had the energy I just worked on one thing on that list and when I got busy with doing the work of myself and as pastor say living up to the divine assignment on my own life instead of worrying about what he was doing and what they were doing something started to happen on a molecular level inside of me the smallest level light started to flicker on the inside of me and I started to have a glow and I started to illuminate and I started to walk in my purpose started to write this book okay and I was doing all of the things that made me happy and all the same because he listened I y'all heard me I used to change any man came or you like go car riding at me - let's go do it I'm just keeping it real and I started to have the strength and the courage to be the authority on myself take me or leave me this is who I am alright thank you and when that started to happen I started to have a glow and I live in New York so this don't happen to more of a child living the DMV and so what happens when there's a light in a dark space in a summer time gods God's creatures begin to come to the light you don't even have to go looking for them they're attracted to the light and so there I was minding my business going to my last sister's wedding for real minding my business and of course I'm paired with the tallest groomsmen cuz I'm tall it's y'all might have noticed and we're practicing and he looks at me and he says okay so when we get married how are we gonna tell them we Mecca they won't even believe us I said boy stop talking about in two years later I'm still telling him boy stop but honestly I was not expecting to meet him but I think that is the key when you're no longer coveting other peoples or relationships and jealous and envious and can't go on Instagram because you can't you can't stand to see somebody else get what you thought you deserved right when you are so uncomfortable with being alone that it feels like something is suffocating you every time you walk over your doorstep that's not when it's gonna come but when you start working on yourself and becoming the woman or the man that God wants you to be and you start illuminating a new start to glow that's when God says you're ready and I'll bring him to you and the man who you had to beg to talk about marriage with I'll replace them with the men talks about marriage in the first conversation [Applause] that's it and so I just want to leave you because on my way over here God told me joy you were not coming here for yourself you're not coming here to share your story you're coming here for one particular woman in the audience so I don't know who that person is so I just want to end this by saying a prayer because my mama did teach me how to do that and so if you could just bow your heads with me father God thank you for this gathering I know that God you put an assignment on my life and on my heart to be transparent and to tell the truth about what we need from you God and although divine love feels great earthly love does fit does feel great as well and we're all deserving of it God please remind us to be patient even in our trials remind us to be patient even when we can't stand the thought of being alone God mend our broken hearts know that we cannot receive the person that you have in mind for us and that you have in store for us and that you are covering for us when we are not ready for them God get us ready tonight Lord we don't want to wait anymore God forget waiting for our Boaz prepare us and now in the name of Jesus amen thank you guys come on would you help me bless God for joy Wow Wow Wow that's so tonight we get theory and testimony and I thank God for her ability to minister in ways that somebody need to hear and receive tonight so joy we thank you again for what God has carried you through and sharing it listen I that's how I wanted to close us in prayer and I was gonna come up and do it in the holy spirit just moved upon joy and I'm grateful to God for that my prayer for you is that God will surprise you and that God will prepare you as opposed to you trying to prepare yourself here's what we're gonna do is to get ready to leave this place a few things Joey you're sticking around you have books with us and where are you gonna wear do we have choice it up everybody's out there okay so we're gonna ask joy to go out and you can stop and say hello to her she's also have has copy of her book the engagement game and Charles Butler is the new CD is out right so that watch I'll go outside and sign them too you know going out there I want you to support support our own both in music and in writing we're grateful that both of them and blessed us tonight would help me thank God for both of them as they get ready to head on out so as you make your way or not the vestibule stop by even if you don't purchase just say thank you that's why we so I want to thank you all for being present tonight thank you for helping us help others the relief of Hurricane Harvey and we would gather back in this place on the first Wednesday of October until then going the grace of God made the Great Scott go with you have a blessed evening everybody amen [Applause]

Channel: Alfred Street Baptist Church

Views: 63,351

Rating: 4.8755364 out of 5

Keywords: CAYA, 2017, Alfred Street Baptist Church, Are You Ready for a Relationship?, Rev. Dr. Howard-John Wesley, Joi-Marie McKenzie

Id: wMaDeNu-Z1M

Length: 68min 31sec (4111 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 08 2017