December 4, 2019 CAYA "What Men Want", Hosted by Rev. Dr. Howard-John Wesley

[Music] grace and peace be unto you from God our Father in Jesus Christ our resurrected risen reigning returning Redeemer whose birth we celebrate in the season of Advent so allow me to greet each and every one of you with the salutation of the season Merry Christmas teach every one of you I pray that you're gearing up with the joy and excitement of what Christ brings to our lives I'm excited about tonight and clearly so are you amen whenever we say we're gonna deal with relationships it is standing room only so welcome to each and every one of you as we gathered in and I saw people's coming I said are any brothers coming tonight Lord Jesus help us do me a favor reach out to the people next to you make sure you know a name greet someone with the joy in the love of Jesus Christ make certain that you're not worshiping where the strains are on tonight [Applause] [Music] as we welcome as we welcome to reach each and every one of you we definitely wanna send a very special welcome to anybody who's joining us for kaya for the very first time if this is your first first Wednesday being in this space with us as we come as we are and seek to be transformed and the lives that God has called us to live if this is your first kaya we just wave a hand we want to welcome anybody for the first time whoa not do me a favor if a hand was waved next to you up in the air leaned over asking who you come to see tonight who you come [Applause] [Music] y'all ain't right you got your Bibles if you have your Bible or your device I want you to hear a reading from the Word of God that I think sets the tone for our occasion tonight I'm excited to give us through our announcements to get into our conversation that I believe is gonna be insightful and inspirational and we have some very special guests who I want to introduce in just a moment when we get ready to take the stage if you would turn to me in your Bible on your device to Genesis chapter 29 Genesis 29 amen you shouldn't have any trouble finding Genesis if your neighbors lost a Sunday schools Sunday school this is 29 and as you're turning to verse 15 a little while ago we had an occasion of gathering for kaya we called it ladies night and the sisters came and we had a panel discussion about understanding the heart and mind of women when it comes to relationships clearly there are no stereotypes that fit all people but we were blessed in that and one of the biblical models that I always hear Willie when we talk about relationships and sisters and being single every since is waiting on their bow ass I'm waiting on Bowa as the Lord is gonna bring my bow ass well we're gonna flip the script but there's another mile I want to lift up for the brothers sake not about bow ass but about Rachel come on let's read the words God beginning in Genesis chapter 29 verse 15 I'm reading from the New King James Version then Laban said to Jacob because you are my relative she therefore served me for nothing tell me what should your wages be now Laban had two daughters the name of the elder was Leah and the name of the younger was Rachel Leah's eyes were delicate but Rachel was beautiful of form and appearance somebody said praise the Lord now Jacob loved Rachel she said I will serve you seven years for Rachel your younger daughter and Laban said it is better that I give her to you them that she died should give her to another man stay with me so Jacob served seven years for Rachel and they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her somebody holler Rachel Rachel Rachel any woman you wait waiting work for seven years and it feel like a day we got to know what kind of sister that is we want to know so as ladies are waiting on beau ass tonight we got some brothers and help us understand what our Rachel looks like come about me in prayer I'm excited to get started Lord we thank you for the gift of your grace that has surprised us today each and every one of us is recipient of blessings that we've taken for granted so we paused in this moment right now God and honor you for the life you've called us to live the blessings you've bestowed upon us and most importantly our salvation in Jesus name Lord we're not everything we used to be but day by day we're trying to be more of what you desire us to be that's why we gathered on a Wednesday night Oh Lord that in a spirit of laughter and enjoyment we might also hear your Holy Spirit speak to our hearts and minds we thank you for our guests who you brought to the space on tonight we thank you for each and every brother or sister on my pew now Holy Spirit have your way though we may leave this place refreshed and excited about what it means to serve Jesus Christ in this precious name we do pray Eamon so you all know that there are tremendous differences between men and women [Applause] [Music] we were blessed to have a gathering of sisters to give us some insight into the heart and the mind of women when it comes to relationship because I am still a firm believer that only two men fully understand women Jesus and Tyler Perry so the brothers were blessed to get some insight tonight we want to flip it around and help the sisters get some insight into the heart and the mind of men when it comes to relationship now let me make a few qualifying comments so that you don't have to send the email you don't have to hashtag us number one we know that there's no one stereotype of any man or woman and that everyone is different so what we seek to do is to speak in generalizations and ways that are insightful number two although our conversation is dominant around heterosexual relationships I want to honor the fact that love exists between those of the same gender and we are not here to deny or disrespect that reality that's not what we're here to debate about and so I want to honor the reality of love between same-gender individuals you can disagree with me on that that's not what this guy is about but tonight we are blessed to have three brothers who've come there they're all single we're gonna find out why in just a minute amen I know some sister came in here I need to know what's going on with him and so I'm thirsty [Applause] I'm gonna get in so much trouble tonight ladies gentlemen brothers sisters I want to introduce three phenomenal brothers who are here with us and we're grateful to have them none of them are really strangers to us you know them either from the interaction with us or their presence on social media they are all Christian men called proclaiming pastoring preaching the Word of God and seeking to live faithful as a single male at the same time waiting and praying on whatever that Ruth is going to be in their life what is new is the very first one he's a brother that's near and dear to me pastor Willie Francois pastors outside of Atlantic City New Jersey he's been with us before and in my absence he's going to guide us in pastoral leadership in Tyre would you welcome brother Willie French rock and what up Willie take a seat we want to walk today had a phenomenal vision this year to take kiya outside and to go into the park while the season was nice to sit outside and fellowship and talk about the Word of God and we found a brother from right here from DC in Zion Baptist who came and led us for our kayak experiences outdoors when I welcome back the Reverend Alphonso Campbell the third when she welcomed Alfonzo welcome and I have the joy just knew I'll go to meet a young man who's doing great things down in Huntsville Alabama with Lord has called him the pastor and he's been there for the last seven years what he's doing there is very similar to what we're doing here in Chaya I tried to find out what is all about him how does he have 40,000 followers on Instagram he's got twice as many as me I feel some kind of way about that and I know that I've heard repeatedly oh I'm coming because he's gonna be on stage I felt some kind of way about that Tevin but I want to welcome a brother who is gonna bless us today would you welcome pastor Adrian Davis goes by ad welcome to Alva Street tonight let the glad to have you welcome welcome so brothers let's get started let's get started I'm gonna give you an opportunity for a few moments the way we're gonna do this ask some questions I want to ask you there hopefully gives some insight into the mind of a brother and trust me I'm not going to lead you down any dangerous paths we are in this thing together as men then if we have some time we're also going to pause for some questions from some of the sisters as long as they are appropriate everybody say appropriate but it'll give you just one introduce yourselves tell us what's important about you that you want us to know what God is doing in your life anything at all before you get started Willie won't go ahead again my name is Willie Francois I pastor at Mount Zion Baptist Church right outside Atlantic City in New Jersey I also do a lot of social justice stuff I love my mom I hope she's watching love you mom yes all right all right what's going on everybody revving a Fonzo Camel 2/3 here from Zion Baptist Church up the street Washington DC I don't know if the county's hiya nice in here yeah just bought a race here and I think Howard University grab Julie and son yeah pass agent Davis all initiatives worship assembly in Huntsville Alabama yeah I'm happy to be in past I don't have 40,000 followers anymore i deactivated my Instagram page and as of last year I adopted a daughter so yes tell me about it you got it yeah let's pause right there cos Davis I'm a true believer that social media has changed the world and some real positive and some negative ways yes sir in relationships it can be a real danger yes sir probably all of us we've been in relationships I've had one or two fights that has something to do with social media why do you activate your page all right now for me I you know if you have God's phone which is the iPhone y'all sure you don't agree but without it no dream bubbles but no like I was I was looking I was looking at my productivity and I've been passionate seven years and my own a sneaker store as well and I was leaving out her store one day and I and I immediately got on Instagram and even though Instagram is a awesome tool but also it can become such a draining mechanism and so I looked on my iPhone and I looked at how long I had been spending time on Instagram and sometimes they think of telling you you know like you've been on here eight hours and I'm wondering why in the world can I get this done why hasn't this book been released so why hasn't this been done but in the relationship aspect it kind of shut down the whole you know our generation is the generation that is locked into clout so they'll say oh I like that post and if you respond back thank you then it's opacity was in my DMS because it's a cloud thing I want to say that I had a conversation with them so to cut down all of that to cut down and to focus in my attention I can reactivate it whenever I want to but right now it's just important for me to to focus under that honor that Sabrosa don't ask each one to be the same question that I asked the sisters when they sat in the seat we had single sisters up and not that there's only I want to ask you a question I want you to answer it from one of three positions and then go whichever direction the Lord leads the question is why are you single and not to suggest that something's wrong with being single but what we kind of dealt with with the sisters is that it probably falls in one of three categories maybe that's something do with the Creator do you believe that God has you in a single season and if so why is it about some consequence some things that may have happened recently and that launch pad into dynamics relationships or is it by choice you simply reach the place where for right now in this season of life you've decided to be single now I also am qualified because I don't know your personal lives when we say single we mean not married right you may be actively involved that that's for you to tell if you want to but if I say go we mean not married so far as a creator choice consequence or something else why are you single brother I think I would I would say that's a horrible possibly a combination between the two of choice and creator I think the beauty of singleness is being able to figure out who you are and so it's kind of giving me the opportunity to just to be able to sit with me I think very early on I would send out a representative and not my true self and so the greater that I've spent time with will the motor I spent time with myself the more I've come into a true self and so that's kind of like the choice option of it where I knew that I needed to to take some time to to get inside to be internal and recognize who God was in my life and understand my identity and get out of that I think that's kind of helped me to now be the person I need to be and that feel like I have to send out a representative when I'm dating so before I give the other two I want to ask I want to push that a little bit all right so with one one how are you 31 31 when duh when did you start sensing that maybe I need to step back this is not the authentic me at what age probably late 20s late 20s late 20s because I think that's how that time was I oh okay this is the end of a decade I've had my fun and now we're not gonna talk about what fun looks like you know we come back today I just backed myself into but no I think I think it was at that point where I realized that I had to start one reimagining what my relationship with love looked like I think there was this idea of just pursue pursue pursue or you know the idea of men have to get as many women as you you know you just go on after women and and that like that hunter mentality and you realize that you're hunting her rather than actually finding somebody that you can grow with and so I think that that's a point where I like near to like near those those late 20s I think that's what it begins I kind of change for me last point with this so we talked about the representative clearly and I don't mean this to trivialize her be disrespectful but a man that's in that mode it's typically present what he thinks is attractive to a woman absolutely so that helps us understand the mindset of what you saw and thought women wanted right if you could list two or three things that always were on that representative list that may have been authentic or inauthentic to your true self it helps me understand and the ladies see what men think a woman wants and what they put on the resume of the representative what goes on that resume of the representative I think I think you kind of come off like alright how do I want clothes how do you look fly for me how deep your pockets initially and then just this idea of this sense of being overprotective you know I think I had a very property mindset at one point that she's property and I always felt like okay so she belongs to me and that's something that had to that I knew that I had to change that I had to switch out of because to me that was I did okay this is my girl you know I'm a protector I'm gonna do all this other stuff but I realized that I had to dig deeper beyond that ad creator choice consequence why is ad single choice and consequence whether and the reality of it is is that I choose to be single but then there so there is a underlining underlining to think of shame when you have lived a colored past like I said I found so saying like the fun aspect it's almost like who wants to deal with this backstory who wants to hear about the stories of women in the past or who wants to love me beyond that and and I think a lot of times I think the church has been guilty of over emphasizing woman's worth too but not men and so for me for me it's you know dealing with some shame news talking upstairs and I told you how you know I take a sabbatical every year and then when I went to a counseling facility no TV no cell phone just a male intimacy course about why I feel the way that I feel I miss it I think it's so important for us to realize that even through our decisions we may be making our decisions through a lens of shame or through a lens of God is punishing me or man I messed up again or whatever the case may be so for me I think it's a duality of both I think it's a decision choice but then I think there is underlying a thing of shame will it same question creator Cox course choice yeah I'm probably leaning between living and the tension of consequence and choice one is I probably have a love I am trying to outgrow some underlining selfishness that I may live with that is hard to really cultivate enduring long-standing relationships with it's just it's hard to do that with yourself is right right and it's selfish in in the sense that I have I've deeply prioritized what it means to do what I do as a pastor as a scholar as an activist I breathe a lot of life into that and because of that other things in my life get neglected and so and a part and part of my drive it's not always this like need to achieve but it's part of my drive has always been part of the drive has always been leaning into a a representation of myself that I think is attractive right so while I'm trying to push forward like being this successful black man right this being that you know you know black men could be unicorns too right so I'm trying so I'll try to be this unicorn right this this this professional young black man for the sake of looking attractive feeling appealing but at the consequence of that that becomes the altar that our sacrifice loving mutual relationships right so it's it's it's its consequences and actions that underlying selflessness and you know I've had to start over relationships a lot of times because of my underlying selfishness I had the type of fun that you should not be happy sometimes right and so yeah I don't say exactly what I have some fun that I should have been having that cost me you know that that breached relationships breached trust and so the starting over factor is the consequence as well but yeah it's but I read both of them as like a type of selfishness that I had to outgrow one and still trying to outgrow that's like no my brand is more important than than building relationship and building life and really getting to the point we're thinking about that my brand is not what makes me human what I do professionally is not what makes me human but being in relationship with somebody with radical mutuality radical creativity radical compassion radical forgiveness makes my humanity higher right so trying to and is this this groping for what does it mean to be the best human be that I can be and I have put that on the Shelf longer than I said that's so good you know what's interesting pacaya when the sisters were here the answer was predominantly creator a sense that they were in a season where God had them waiting or doing something in their lives and it's interesting that for the brothers there's there's choice more involved that this is a decision so that leads me to this question I love the model in Genesis of Adam and Eve because to me it almost indicates how God brings us together and one of the things I think is often neglected about the creation narrative is that if you read the second one Eve is brought to Adam as a consequence of Adam not being able to fulfill what God has called him to do and do it well so Adam has to be performing in his god-ordained purpose before II can show up because how can Eve help what Adam don't even know he's supposed to be doing right so I see this this awareness of what God's called me do purpose chasing this this get it done one I want to ask you how much do you perceive our sense the need for helpmate in your life at this season and stage because of what I really want to get to for the sister says when does marriage start to become a deep desire for men because clearly it's later than it is for women and then okay let me stop the stereotypes okay it appears to be so the question is when when do you think or sense a deep desire for and II for that helpmate and then secondly and because I've held this conversation with a lot of sisters do you believe there's only one Eve do you believe in the concept that there's one person God has created for you or do you buy into the with the man it's about being in the right space at the right season hearing the right word from God and whoever that woman is at that time may be the one so - deep desire for Eve when does it show up do you have to do sense it is it on your radar and - do you believe that if there's only one Eve or is it a matter of being in the right season the right space and God bring the right woman go ahead ad well well for me you know when we look at Adam and Eve I look at the fact that God places Adam he has a relationship with Adam Adam knows how to hear from God Adam has an assignment from God Adam has a job Adam is working in that and then God says it's not good for man to be alone right I think - here it's not good for man to be alone there's a prerequisite of responsibility that a man must have but what I love is that Adam never asked for Eve he was so busy working God said what I have for you is bigger than what your hands can hold so so whenever that question arises to me I come to the place of for one is this one man they answer to a problem I don't even know I have because because women sometimes come as problems but not as a problem solver I think it's just that well we go so so so I think I think the question the question is do you know if you are answer yet because II was an answer she was pre-wrapped as an answer that he didn't even know he didn't ask he didn't pray he didn't see he was working and God said yo I see you working but what you're doing it's bigger than what we're gonna watch your hands can hold so I but and then is there one Eve I would I would say no I would say it's about season in time because I don't ever want I don't think that God is a God that is like it's one and oh you missed it but he's not a redeemer to to to create another opportunity so I think it's about the season in the space in the time to Jim I agree I think that when we do look at that story we see Adam already given his purpose operating out of his purpose and I think even just talking from my own personal standpoint I the the idea of marriage begin to get more serious to me the more that I delve into my purpose and not just accepting the calling of being a minister but what why has God called tradesmen evening why has God called Trey to be a minister you know we're all up here we all operate in ministry but we all operate in our own authentic selves God has called us in our own identity and the minute that I begin to assert so after that I think it became more real for me and as we think about that story tune out and the word escapes me but if you look in the Hebrew for help it doesn't mean helping a sense of inferiority but it's divine help that a helpmate is a woman that comes to it not a little bit but help is the idea of somebody who helps you improve upon where you are it's an expert at that type of help and so I think for me as I've got deeper into my purpose now I'm searching for somebody who can help me try and send myself well I also do the same from there to transcend to see the possibilities of my purpose and where God has placed me and as far as is this God called us so 1e I don't I don't know if I necessarily and I don't agree with that because I think we see that that some people after death can find another lover and so if that can happen I believe that God can allow us to meet multiple people along the way but I think we once again going back to the choice we make the choice when we fill our spirit and our soul is connected with another soul and that's when we decide to do that before Willy jumps in it for the two of you yeah can you look in your past and identify what could have possibly in the e but because you weren't in the right places Adam it passed by no remember we all line is line oh right yeah for sure I think and I think perhaps Willy really depicted this because I think there's times where we as men put an emphasis in certain things and at times that was that was my church or that was my store or whatever the case is and I was so focused in on that that I could have met someone you know I could have been talking to entertaining someone amazing but because I would not sacrifice that to put emphasis on this I probably missed out on the e for the season I think for me so my parents have been married over 30 years I don't know if they're watching so forgive me from I remember the exact amount of years my uncle art for over 45 years as well my grandparents were married for 50 years so from I saw these scripts hmm about what love should look like and so I don't know if I have a there was one particularly Eve that I missed out on but I know that I know for me that I was I was following all these different scripts and not necessarily listening for what God had called from my life the script I got a place on my life and so I think that that possibly caused me to miss because for me I'm looking alright so they're not like this they're not like that they're not measuring up when the reality is I needed to search for someone in their own individuality in their own authentic selves and their own ability to be fully human and that when one looks like compared to these scripts that I had lived up to all my life so I think I would say that was a major teaching me so really now three have been passed on to you a deep sense of winter where our desire for Eve comes in is there only one and do you believe you may have missed some along the way because of other things happening in your life you we know you said you don't plead the fifth but that's not acceptable answer at Keio in terms of the importance of Anita I I'm better when I'm in the relationship right and I think that part of the brilliance of part of the brilliance of what Eve brings in that story is that even the realsense becomes like an editor for Adam right and really what I'm like makes Adam better makes Adam fool causes Adam to live up to something that he was operating in but not fully able to live up to in that moment I think that's the brilliance of human connection I believe that's the brilliance of relationship is that we become mutual editors of each other right which means if a mutual editor that means you got to be able to handle me in my rough draft right and and there have been times that people have been times that that that I couldn't handle the rough draft or she couldn't handle the rough draft right but learning how to think of this as know that we're co-editors with one of that so it's important relationships are important now I think I'm thinking about marriage more now than I have in in the in why I'm 33 now is it age is a season part of it is that the the allure of settled miss right like my life goes pretty fast you know I could probably count how often I get to actually get to sleep at home and sometimes it's like it's I want to be settled right and the appeared the allure of settle this is is having a wife right a part of that and I remember it like I do silly things like I walk on the couch steal I jump in the bed and like two years like two years ago I was walking in I was walking on my grandmother's bed and she's like dude you're 30 I thought I thought she would have been settled down by now now she was so much something but I heard something else like what does it mean now to be grounded how can an editor help to ground me in ways that that I'm not currently grounded so you know so I'm thinking about it in the sense of I'm with I'm thinking like so hot so how do I now like yeah the sense of stability is important to me and some of its age but it's really this wherever I am right now I am placing a premium on what it means to feel grounded to feel settled you know I haven't lived in the same city for more than five years since I was 18 and so this idea but my life is transient and I'm really maxing I'm trying to graduate out of the transient life and I think journeying with someone being able to co-create a life with someone is incentive to settle that's what I think they're not settling but just to settle down to to settle into something that can launch something something else I don't believe in in one Eve you know Adam didn't have a choice you know but we have choices you guys it and I think and I think the power of this is is that thinking about something like I'm talking about a being in relationship with a woman edits me it grounds me it it helps me to see myself in ways that I really want to be but what that also tells me is that God actually trusts me to make decisions in my life right so I don't believe that there's some prescriptive sister that has just out there waiting for me to get myself together now I believe that God trusts me along the way to make decisions that that God will bless if we stay together and that God will bless mutually if we decide to walk away but really leaning into the fact that God actually trusts us to work this life to live this life to be in the world and so that's that's important I think that I and so thirdly there there yeah there could have been some sort of Eve's along the way they definitely could have but back to you know back to my own unwarranted fun you know I kind of I kind of derailed some of those some of those opportunities but it was a matter of me mismanaging the moment me mismanaging the experience me mismanaging the relationship God trusted me and God probably shouldn't have trusted me right you know God trusted me to do with it what was possible right and sometimes that led to and and it did lead to the dissolution of previous relationships but yeah yeah I believe God trusts us so I want to uh I'm gonna preface this we're going we're gonna switch out to Adam and Eve and go back to Jacob that we read from earlier and I'm will ask you a series of questions and I want you as much as you feel comfortable transparent honest and not super spiritual now we want to talk to the men not the reverence neither pastors the men all right [Applause] so one of the things in the the Jacob passes that we read in just between 9 is Jacob comes to a situation where the two women in front of him Leah and Rachel and for reasons the Bible doesn't declare his real love is for Rachel if you know the whole story his uncle sets him up to marry Leah because there's something wrong about Leah and that's shameful I don't know what it is the Bible gives some indicator about her eyes or something maybe been physically off but I want to ask you and and not not in physical not in physical because because I believe that the most beautiful woman is the one who's secure right so it's not necessarily a beautiful thing what what is a pet peeve turnoff characteristic about a woman to come to you that will make you immediately go you you you are not Rachel you are Leah what what what what can a woman embody or show in character that makes you say you you cannot be Rachel right I'm not working seven years for you so pet peeve character pet peeve ad you want to go oh so character Pepe for me is everybody falls in love or like with the idea of individual but you but I took you all the time like you you like this now but you hate what it takes to become this a pet peeve of mine is when you start to come hare yourself through your insecurities to other people that I have conversation with in what I do I'm constantly talking to women the reality is if I choose to date you I chose you if I want to film I could have chose them so it doesn't matter what I think I think the pet peeve for me is just the lens of the insecurities whether it's whether it's time or this conversation whatever it is you have to be secure within yourself and it's not my job to heal the area you don't want to walk through [Applause] I I think at times and I guess this would be part two of the pet peeves is where we treat relationships like projects like individuals like I got a you my project you know almost to where you know you blessed to have me but I'm not blessed to have you yeah type of situation yeah and so for me I say you know that's an immediate you know people you know our culture is all about you know y'all look good together but we don't understand that we've seen relationships where a guy have an amazing girl that's beautiful externally break up go and give somebody else and in the ex girl time I saw what she looked better than me but she doesn't have to look better than you did to be better than you she could be whole she could be process things the levels of insecurities and things of that nature so so I think we got to get out of that but yeah I think it's insecurities me well it what's the character pet peeve yes so I've been I've been doing this since I was 16 right I've been preaching since I was 16 so there's not been in a relationship that I have entered into been in where I have not been a preacher and so one of my one of my pet peeves is and some of this could be my own anemic perceptions right but one of my pet peeves is the first thing you think about is becoming a power couple you got that it causes me to and it's a real increase in security for me because it causes me to be my spidey senses start going on unnecessarily because I'm always wondering what do you like Willie or do you like pastor Willie right but what's what's drawing you what's causing you to be here because you like pastor Willie I promise pastor Willie will let you down but when you like Willie but if you're into Willie then that means you're into looking at this this canvas that is incomplete in helping to do some some work to complete this canvas to create this work of art of life together but one of my one of my pet peeves is really being in a relationship where it feels like I am Klout but it's what it feels like I that what I do is greater than Who I am right and I think that's one of the dangers of what patriarchy does to men already because we already see ourselves based on how we perform what we produce what we give right and if I'm going to be in a relationship I need to be in a relationship where I can be vulnerable where I can be sad where I can cry where my depression if my depression shows up I have somebody who can be strong for me right sometimes in a situation where I want to feel protected right and in those places where an offender if I'm in a relationship where I feel like it is all about the allure the look the presentation the facade that that Willie and I present to the world that it puts me in that mode where I'm being judged as a a human doing and not a human being all right so that's that that really gets to me that that what I produce what I build what I create becoming the impetus for being in a relationship it hurts right it embellishes my insecurities of always feeling the need to produce to perform right and so yeah that gets me all right first of all I agree with both so you guys sit those patties from me it's not sounds simple but this is reality for me and this is a real relevant search I my pet peeve is when you one like you said when you aren't able to see my sidle and because of that we aren't able to have fun so I feel as if I am both righteous and got a little holy ratchet so I want us to be able to be excited about what Jesus did over 2,000 years ago but I also want to feel some conviction in your soul when you hit a 99 to thousands come over the speaker than what you don't and I jokingly said it but in all seriousness I feel like that's how I'm able to be my I think that's how I'm able to fully show up as me and if I can't exist within both of those spaces for you that I can't be with you and so often times I've had to reduce myself to be in relationships rather than live fully to who I need to be yeah yeah yeah I've got a few more that we'll make sure we make some time for the sisters to ask you some questions to two more maybe three if you don't mind will you share and keep being obviously we keep names out to remain anonymous oftentimes men are procedures having this hardcore shell that you know because we have to be Superman or something because we're not authentic we've not tapped into our our own authenticity and identity the dog stereotype the just want sex can you share with me a moment when a woman hurt you deeply and what it is that get beyond the skin beyond the stereotype beyond the look and get to the heart and left you with some pain I don't you did as a result of that pain I think from Wow okay this is I guess his vulnerability um welcome to kaya I think for me I feel like I had a relationship where the first one where I was somebody broke up with me my previous one thought was the one who did the break of it and so to to feel that for the first time it felt as if and while I understand it in hindsight in a moment it felt like somebody gave up on me and I am a lover I'm one who cares about people deeply and so the idea of someone fill it like that I'm not enough which is something that I had to work through and that that hurt me in that sense of not feeling like I'm enough and I think the constructive work that I did after that was realized that no matter what relationship I entered into after I had to always realize that when God created me God said I was good that my first love that God loves me as I am before I did anything and that alone makes me enough and so for me I had to journey from broken pieces to realize and then I was still touched by the master and that that makes my life a masterpiece and so coming out of that making me become a better person I was able to grow from that and realizing that I would no longer be in a place where I don't see myself enough because somebody rejected me gotcha gotcha gotcha all right Willie something that hurts you yes I mean I've been cheated on by somebody that was really important to me and it does and you know I was kind of leaning into I mean I'm sure many people have been cheated on that's the only time I know about right but you know because this this of skills skills cheetahs are good man tell me that you know but to be in a relationship that I considered as serious as it was a relationship that you know I could have have have I could have Eve dit up with you know that's a new term you know we could I could have eased it up with it was it I mean it was obviously betrayal but it was more it kind of exposed like my own arrogance so some exhale like there's no way that could happen to me right I created this this I guess I bothered to I've become intoxicated on my own stuff because I'm thinking there's no way this could happen to me and what in the room and the revelation was it was my own lack of engagement lack of time that felt to her like a lack of commitment right because what makes what makes I think Jacobs so honorable in that scene is that Jacob worked seven years and then he worked seven more right he's so committed to making that relationship work that he finds the strength to do another seven right of course and and so yes no go ahead yeah and so it what hurt was not just the fact of the abandonment the fact of the betrayal but what hurt was what it exposed about how who I had become and how negligent I had been in something that I said was important to me something that I said I value someone I said I loved but that love was not coming through because the commitment was being invested somewhere else and so it exposed what hurt was that it exposed a part of me that I've been blind to and it's hard to when you overcome your blind spots you realize how far away you are from really being who you think you are right and so I had to live in that distance between who I thought I was as a partner as a boyfriend who I really was some of you guys should real quick I'm gonna push that partly because I applaud going through any experience of pain and rather than coming out bitter you come out self-reflective right but on the flip side Howard John has the I'm not gonna blame myself victim right if you cheat on me you're the guilty party oh and there's no excuse for it like you just just leave it leave me before you cheat on yeah so could you forgiving that about the radical forgives no you're right and I don't I don't I mean I lived at bitter for a while man I lived that bitter man it it's that revelation came I go through her phone in her life you know this is my fault no it took a time it's a way you went to her phone no no oh don't do that I don't want to know accent I don't want to know the password hello but but yeah no it was it was something at the time that I could not readily forgive and and I wasn't even attempting to forgive it right because there was the the sting was so deep the the womb had these that that invisible blood right I was deeply wounded man to my core that forgiveness was not even on my mom's like now this is done this is over yeah the reason being I've had more conversation with sisters who at least contemplates forgiveness more than most men would right we're not here to see it right yeah but you know what um what's her to ad so I for me what has hurt me in the past is when vulnerability is taken for granted as a man I hate being vulnerable I hate it with a passion but I know that in order to properly live it takes on their ability but when I'm vulnerable with you and I share intimate information and when you get upset and you see red and because we as men are stronger than women but a woman's mouth is stronger than any man in this world and you know ya know and yada okay so yeah I don't want to say a man today des yeux weapon knobs like ant I'm gonna tell you one more thing and then all his strength is depleted he just will make a man feel it is small but but but in moments of vulnerability where I'm telling you my my greatest challenge maybe I'm afraid I'm end up like my father and then in anger yeah you gonna be just like your dad Wow now I'm gonna hit you but it will make me want to shake you like the yoo-hoo but but no but but no like those type of things has happened in the past which caused a great deal of pain for me because it makes you not want to be vulnerable anymore within it it hinders your trust in any other relationship because you feel like all it takes is for you to get for you to be that upset for you to go against everything that you said you would not do when you were sober so my last one and I don't know if we've got questions Brooke they were going to set up for and I want to do it but we try to stay on time I have two sons and I heard you say you just adopt the door first of all congratulations thank you what's her name Bree Jeanette and how what does he you don't want to know okay she's grown okay almost I've had her since she was 17 okay so I've got two teenage boys now and one of the things I I'm not say struggle with but that I realized I have to impart to them our lessons about dealing with women my oldest is going had problems anyone who knows deuce he's got problems right he's 64 right looks like his dad [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] so I've been sitting debating like what am I supposed to say them like you know what kind of conversations clearly we've had the condom conversation he hated it right but we have to have these and then I realized that I've got to have a conversation with him it's not about sex it's about being a better man than I was and imparting to him a lesson that if I look at you and you're you're my reflection if I could go back I want to make certain you don't do this don't do what Dad did here this was a mistake yeah and I'm gonna ask you two questions it's it's wrapped up in one I'm gonna put you both on the stage all three of you as parents from them and make your parent what are you saying what are you saying to your son and the reason I say that is because it helps you reflect over an area of growth you don't want to see your son repeat and then secondly what do you say to your daughter and that is a question about knowing where men can take advantage of a woman that you want to protect her from so what are you saying to your son is a reflection of yourself that you don't want them to repeat and what are you saying to your daughter that's an understanding of other brothers and what they would typically might do to take advantage of your daughter that you want her to be aware of but watch out for this would men okay I think first one what really kind of touched on it is when is everything about what men want one thing I had to untangle and undo and I learned from our life is attaching patriarchy to my wanting misogyny to my wanting and what I mean by that is I think for a lot of times as men we will objectify a woman rather than saying her is fully human and those are things that we are trained to learn over time but but seeing her in her full self is is a piece that I think I would I would I would teach to to my son that you know your desires don't have to be rooted in possessing her but in loving her as far as my daughter one thing I think I would tell her is not to sacrifice your wholeness on the altar of his brokenness and particularly I see that with black women a lot who constantly are trying to save broken men that for my daughter I would want her to be able to discern the discing right this isn't what what God has called me to do and I would want to teach her to value herself first so she doesn't end up going into these places where she feels like she has to keep healing broken men meanwhile she's now breaking her selves because she's not able to sense our whole ad from a boys perspective raising a boy I would for one tell him you don't become a man but how many women you sleep with something for me my father was not a part of my life my stepfather came in much later but you begin to think that your manhood if you aren't careful you'll allow the people that you're around to tell you what manhood is and they're trying to explore it as well and just that laying that woman does not make you a man and you know the preacher side of me is the whole aspect of when he says when I was a child I thought as a child I spoke as a child but when I became a man I put away so you're not a man by what you acquire your about you're a man by what you release and the misconception for our generation with man who it is I'm a man my what I get I get the house I'm a man I get the car on my man if I get the job I'm a man if I get the women I'm a man because we're get us you're not a man by what you acquire you're a man by what you able to release I'm able to release my pain my agony my frustration my stress my anxiety and and when it comes to my daughter originated she didn't have a father at all and she lives with me and college and everybody's asked me like you know man like you're 36 you're adopting this this young teenage girl one of the things that I tell her often with men for when I create the blueprint of what she desires in her life I treat her like a queen that's my baby girl she knows the standard not material stuff because just because they man can buy you something does not mean he's going to treat you very well so she gets time with dad if I'm traveling she's teasing that she's preparing me I tell her all the time whenever marriage comes my wife has to thank you because she takes me hey you've been gone too long you need to get here we got to go movie like after church on Sunday we have we go to the grocery store we go we spend time but I think the biggest thing with her is telling her that you don't fall in love with potential without gauging progress and a lot of times a lot of times like past I fancy like you you fall in love with this potential but you don't gauge progress so you've been in a potential state for five years and they have not made progress to what you see in them you can see much more in them than they can see in themselves and never never be never be the visionary for the relationship because you're setting yourself up to pasture that house when you say I do the roles are automatically reversed because you've been pastoring him for as long as y'all been David and so I instill that in her too yo that man has even though you may fall in love with me you look at the rough giraffe or you look at the unedited version they have to be they have to be willing to take this take the steps to who they desire to become alright Willie and you last one would do and take some questions I think similar to pastor a is that we have to have to do some serious deconstructing of toxic masculinity right how these these markers that society has told us makes us men particularly black men like our flesh has been violated by whiteness and white thoughts right so the point that we don't even value our bodies right so one thing I want my son to value his body right as his body as a as as as whole and whatever it looks like that his body is enough his body is precious and his body is sacred right and you do certain things with sacredness that you don't do with you that yeah right yeah so so getting my son to see his body as sacred I think is important and that there is something and that to be a man means I can cry to be a man means I can be weak to be a man means I can fail at some things in life so recalibrating the understanding of what it means to to be a man and really you know because one of my early influences was Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy you know I was watching Raw when I should have been watching listen Eddie was like you become a man when you conquer as much as you can right you know I I want to be clear I wanna I want to over correct that kind of thinking that we that we access our value that we access our manhood based on our proximity to how much we get how many women we have how much we have in our pockets how much we store up and really learn how to see yourself as inherently enough right that that you know the preacher me is that you are prenatally affirmed right you know just to be so I want my I want my son to know that he is enough even with what he does not have even with what he cannot produce even when he is weak that he is enough my daughter I want her to be clear that in this life you do not escape without being broken right and I want my son to know that too but but but in this life that you will have horrible relationships and you can rebound from those you will have men in your life who would treat you just for your flesh and you can survive that so having honest conversations about that life has a way of breaking you but your brokenness does not make you incomplete right that when you find yourself broken when you find yourself frustrated when you find yourself feeling like you are not enough that is the myth that the world is trying to tell you about yourself because all of us go through this life by being broken by something whether it's relationships whether it's family you know I hope I'm a good dad that's the first thing like either I don't want to be the template that she decides to date against right Oh much more than what I want to tell her I want to show her what it means to be a good human being a full human being that knows how to be in loving relationships that our mutual creative supportive and flourishing I want to thank you all for answering mine I think we've got a few that we're gonna try to do quickly do we have people on microphones I has a working book if there's a question someone has a mic we go ahead with it we just move quickly we don't have time for many but to do on a given opportunity some oh wait wait you'll start if you're then and it will give you the mic you better go ahead sis I thank you guys for coming out this very illuminating my name is Brittany I have a question for any or all of you sort of related to your pet peeve answers but not specific like to anything one thing you said but just curious about like how much of a chance do you give a woman to really like see her full self because you might see little things that could indicate something but actually it's really not that and obviously we've all had past experiences so people are not going to come into the situation perfect so how much are you giving a woman an opportunity to show you who she is and maybe like it's not insecurity she just really thinks that one woman shouldn't be talking to you like that so you know I'm just curious about that maybe just one answer and then we get chance to me as possible yeah I think I think when I say pee pee I'm talking about repetitive things that are continuing after we have addressed them because I don't I don't want you to take what I'm saying as far as you know like people being in my face or whatever the case is if I'm doing my job over here to reassure you and to reassure my love for you and know that you are not in competition with nobody that's in my face I shouldn't have to work overly hard to alter my whole thing and then always be a thing so I think that once we talk about it we hash it out we know we know we are and I think but it's I think it's a continual thing I don't think it's like oh you know the moment that conversation came but without hearing detail or why you feel the way that you feel I'm always open to well why do you feel that way and why is this and so I think that it's a repetitive thing for me Brittany I want to determine I think it's important for men to be able to express where that disappointment is and now I'm watching how you respond right so if if I in a productive peaceful and loving way share that this is a problem for me and it is repeated or the response is kind of like well that's your problem then okay you're Lea I got that it's clear and I think the fullest expression of humanity whether male or female always comes out in anger watch how people respond and how they act in anger because when the filter is off and the the representatives go on the anger will bring out the real person and now I've got to make a decision okay Lord can I deal with this if this person never changes from this behavior when they're angry can I live with that yes sir right and if I make a determination that I can't I've got to be man enough to express that and to to walk away from my own well-being I often think that that some of the things that we label insecurities some of the things that we label as problematic actually grow out of trauma right like some of the stuff we do and we say we want to get over it but we don't even know where it came from we we're dealing with symptoms that we haven't even hit the source of the sickness right so some of the things that I have historically defined as as problematic historically defined as as an insecurity as pettiness has has really been connected to pain and scars and wounds that have been inflicted on her by somebody else and that she never had or we never had the opportunity to really diagnose what's going on there why do you get this angry about this particular subject right and so part of the thing I think if it's a relationship worth keeping you know because think about it Jacob the Bible says that he eventually learned to love Leah right so that there's some stuff you learn to grow through together right so some of the things that kept that I may name as a pet peeve may actually be something once I realized where it comes from and we're willing now to go heal each other right to participate in each other's healing then we have that it can be that that Jacob Leah we've learned to grow through this together but if you refuse to go to counseling over certain stuff then you're telling me you're not really prioritizing your own emotional health time so some of the things that I have labeled as insecurities were really a part of someone's undiagnosed sickness right that we really need to take seriously because we don't take mental health very seriously and you know and some of it has to do with our unchecked mental health that we really need to help each other with because there are a lot of stuff there's probably stuff I do I don't even know why I do it yeah thank you you got a few more earlier on you had mentioned something about how getting cheated on how to expose the gap in the boyfriend you thought you were and the boyfriend you really were and from the outside looking in as a woman I feel like especially amongst my women group I've seen that like me and my women friends we see that in men and I'm wondering if if maybe the other two would like to speak on it looking back on it do you feel like there were times when there was a clear gap and the woman was trying to explain it to you and you didn't hear it how often is that happening for a man really or for you guys pacifically yeah and that's why I could I could relate to him I mean even with even with my the situation that I went through later on as you said I had to go I had to go to that bitter moment first like nada she's heard that a lot but then I finally able to get to Mars able to actually texture that I'm glad she was able to say yes to her even if they meant no to me because I do realize later on that like there may have been some things where I was an obstacle and and and because of that that self interrogation it helped me to be able to to see that that I needed that that there were may be times where I was being told okay I need you to be better at this I need you to do this I need to do that and that every time there is a disagreement isn't necessarily to belittle me but it's to help correct to become a better me and those are things that I struggled with and so I I think in that moment for me that that's one that I had to get to as well take out it's our last one Brandon this is our last quick question just about um being social in the Kingdom a New Yorker and in New York they're like a beast you can't walk down the street without being a holiday but when you come to DC or the kingdom it's like so I like you right but let's just have this conversation do you guys prefer that to be hollered at or because your quad assisters in here want to know [Applause] let me uh I'm gonna let that be the last but I wanna tag on to it because we're you and I were having a discussion earlier about the DM they go there and I think the terminology is shooting your shot what's the big mistake a woman will make and shooting a shot towards you I keep hearing a benediction to him so for for me you know we always go with the biblical answer man that find it the wife finds a good thing it is a man's job to pursue or whatever the case is but I will say in order for a man to find one must be available presentable presentable okay but you know like like when it comes to I do think that you can make conversation and dialogue without coming across s thirsty needy and a lot of times I you know I don't know about these men but I know a lot of my guys especially at my church we talk about all the time how there are women that already have a preconceived wedding all they need is a standing actor so all you need is a man to come in and say I do because you already know what colors you already figured it out you think about it every day and so forth and so on we can't even go on in a day and I get to learn your last name before you call your girlfriend oh this may be it what's up how you doing what's your favorite color so so I don't think it's anything wrong but I do think the overly aggressiveness can automatically be a turn-off because again however you start it if you start off as leading it you're gonna have to always leave it then you're gonna be mad when you're trying to figure out where y'all gonna go out to eat you gonna be mad when you got a plan the day you're gonna be mad when all it is but you've taken the lead the whole time so you've taken away a product is masculinity without you even knowing it I think that conversation can be there but allow him to pursue you if he does not pursue you then he mess you must not be interested I think that what one I don't I don't mind being pursued I'm not saying if you're smoking man I'm saying just in general as tall as an existential it's just Italy I'm okay with being pursued because I actually do I actually do find value in people who know what they want and people who are willing to move toward what they want right so I I don't I don't have a problem with you know cuz I'm actually I I think that that I don't think it's the man's job to find the woman I think we find each other in some way we our paths cross in some way we find each other and I'm also I want to say I'm also okay with whenever I get married I'm okay with having alternating leadership right I actually don't want to lead the whole time right actually I want you to Pastor me some daddies right I need you I need you to pray for me when I don't know what I need to be prayed for I need you to lay hands on me when I don't know what I you know I need to be pastored by my wife as well so that that alternating leadership is important for me that's why I've said it a few times and I mutuality is so significant right this idea of like equal if equality is gonna be real it has to be real and and you know I hope my wife has gifts that that that that bring me alive gifts that make me a better so alternating leadership is important in and if she finds me I'm okay with that as well but the one way not to pursue me is to tell me God said the wrong way that's the one that I was gonna say to kid is as if I didn't have a conversation with God right as if God can't tell me that you were supposed to be the one so I answered a second one with debt but the first one I think is well I think I'm an agreement with with Willie as well is that I I don't mind that because I do think that it's it's it's admirable at somebody that can say okay I like you here's why and I don't don't mind us being able to grow out of that I think it's I think there's possibilities from that of a woman being able to say this is what I want and sometimes that wakes something up in me they're like oh wow okay I never noticed that you know even if I this is another reason why I think I think women now think I'm women women who want to pursue a brother women who want to pursue min for whatever reason I think that another reason I think it's okay because even though I may know what I want I'm not always aware of what I need and sometimes I don't know what I need until I encounter it yeah this Jim would you help me think ad tre and Willie for an awesome conversation once a night come on let me bless God for them tonight isn't about to do I said we can leave on time if you sit down for a minute I'm going to close this with a prayer and that's a blessing on them as they travel afterwards if you're here tonight and you want to know more about this amazing love God has for you in Jesus Christ we invite you to come down to the altar we've got some deacons and ministers who would be their joy to share with you how God proved God's love for you in an undeniable way and if you're hearing you desire become part of something bigger than yourself like Alfred Street come on down and be our joy we'll always got space and room for you what you bow that we were gonna pray and then we leave this place in the grace of the peace of God Lord thank you for your presence and thank you Lord for allowing us to hear your voice my prayer is that our conversation tonight would have presented a mirror in front of each and every one of us to think about who we are and who you've called us to be with we take your Lord for the maturity and the growth of these three men who have courageously and with transparency and vulnerability shared from their own heart and journey God pour back into them grant them safe travel back home may they find things well Lord we ask that in the right season in the right place you would attach each and every one of us to that help made that we might be what you've created us to be thank you Lord for kaya and I pray your hand upon it as I release it back to you for January February and March God show yourself strong be with us until we meet together again in Jesus name we pray amen going the grace of God may the grace of God go with you

Channel: Alfred Street Baptist Church

Views: 46,040

Rating: 4.753262 out of 5

Keywords: Alfred Street Baptist Church, 2019, CAYA, Come As You Are Are, #asbc, #wearethestreet, #thestreet

Id: _idUTukm744

Length: 81min 6sec (4866 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 05 2019