School Matters: Why overparenting is harmful for your child

well this week at our school batter series we are focusing on the price of college admission especially when you play by the rules what you're supposed to do well today we'll explore the pressures parents face to get their children into top schools in a recent survey of almost 12,000 parents in students seventy-three percent reported their stress level during the college application process was very high or high we spoke with two moms about the challenges Susan Morrison from Ohio says she once caught got caught up in the college craze but five kids later she has some lessons to share with other parents and California mom Roseman Purdue says the pressure of getting her high school junior into college has been insane when do your grades come out I will say that proudly I'm a helicopter parent I was raised during the 70s and I had 70s mom where it was like oh oh you are you going to school today you know it was like whatever you want to do not be cared and I am the opposite of that so my oldest I pushed her and pushed her because you're supposed to build your resume and she was smart she turned to me and said I can't do everything and I really was grateful to hear that from her because it was like I got schooled by my kids whether they play lacrosse look at home by the time I'm down to my fifth he drove the whole process himself we just kind of understood that he's gonna be fine whatever direction he takes the college prep class with miss Franklin what do you have to do to be ready it is relentless it is constant she's got a test prep coach she's got test prep classes they have to do a certain amount of volunteer hours what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to in some ways mitigate her stress Skeeter's accused dozens of people including two Hollywood stars of paying millions to get their case into top schools the biggest problem in this particular story are the people preyed on parents vulnerability and built a business around cheating a system they were Tiger moms looking to do the best they could for their kids and they chose a very wrong way to do it we have to really step back and say how can college matter enough that you'd be willing to do these things it's an opportunity for education the name is not going to define your future the school that she gets into is the school she was meant to get into and the best school for her is the school where she's happy julilah Scott Haynes is a former dean of freshman and undergraduate advising at Stanford University she writes about the college admissions race in her book it's called listen to this title how to raise an adult break free of the overparenting trap prepare your kids for success duly we welcome you back - thank you morning Stanford was on the list of one of the schools were you surprised to hear that I think a lot of people were surprised by the money involved in a brazen disregard for the law yeah I was truly shocked and that might sound naive but what I mean by that is having been at Stanford for 14 years and as an administrator there was nothing in me that said anyone on that campus was capable of accepting bribes turns out there's one bad actor the sailing coach who accepted some bribes but I think of the place as being one of filled with people full of integrity mm-hmm let's talk about the book you I watched your TED talk you talked about the checklist childhood yeah right and then you also mention I went to a state school in Louisiana yeah right and and I'm proud of how I turned out you should be what were you what would you say to parents about the fact that you can go to a state school or a school in Oregon like your son does yeah in turn out just fine not only fine but happier yes but if you went to see a Harvard right so there's a myth in America that you have to go to one of the US News top 20 schools to have a great life and it is dead wrong where does that myth come from I mean I don't subscribe to that myth and I never did and I don't understand why why some of my friends felt that way I think US News and World Report has us all in a stranglehold this sense that you can judge a college the way you judge a soda or a pair of jeans or a car that brand name equals brawn and they've sort of created this ranking and you're like well who's at the top of the ranking yeah if someone creates a ranking you want to look to the top of it they're 2,800 accredited four-year schools in America and I will bet my kids future on this fact the top 5% of them that's 140 schools yes our magnificent yes cludes most of the state schools you can think of most of small liberal arts colleges you can think of and the big brand names is odd coming from a Stanford and former Stanford administrator that I would say that you know to me it does not to you look I'm a proud graduate of Stanford I'm proud to have worked there and I'm very happy to say to America there are plenty of great schools yeah you're supposed to go to the school that is the right fit for you kids need a huge school some kids need a small school some kids need the city school some state kids needed countries USA Today covered today says College favors are wealthy you think that's true well I think the scandal has shown us that it's not the black and brown kids who are stealing the spots yeah it's the wealthy kids whose parents are snowplow parents who are just preparing the road for the kid instead of preparing the kid for the road right they're doing whatever it takes within their means to get their kid to that future but the question is how is that good for your kid it's terrible for your kid okay your kid either becomes a narcissistic entitled brat because you've taught them I will rig the system for you or their mental health is completely compromised because they've learned that you've rigged it for them and their sense of self is destroyed it harms them when we over parent no doubt and let me ask you because we've gone through this process with my stepkids what is the role that high school counselors play in talking to the kids and talking to the parents about realistically what the best school is for their child I think these days high school counselors can be in a real bind particularly in schools where parents have money and affluence the parents is expecting I've got to get my kid into one of these places where the counselor knows there are so many great schools and your kid would actually be more likely to thrive at this school than the one you have on the list as working with other people's children taught you about your own parenting when I was a Dean of freshmen at Stanford I worked with other people's sons and daughters I saw those who'd been over parented who were reliant on their parents to choose classes talk to professor's resolve roommate disputes but then I saw all the other kids who were self-reliant and had autonomy and I thought my goodness how do I raise my kids so they end up like I don't like this and I realized Gale that I was over parenting my own kids okay I right so it's working with other people's kids help me be a better parent to my own to get anything that the helicopter parents watching who are feeling guilted right now the one thing they can do to make a change absolutely there's something I call the one-week cleanse if you're the sort of parent who by the way parents who / parent in this manner are often doing it for their own ego yes right these parents they've got everything they need financially why do they need their kid to go to one of these big brand-name schools for their own ego okay so if that's you if you need if you're on your kid constantly you need to know what grades they got today how they did in the science test what kind of homework they have the one-week cleanse is this you go to your kid and you say hey kid I know I'm always on you I know I'm always nagging you about your grades and scores and that can make you feel that I don't think you care but I know you do care so for one week I'm gonna button it I'm not gonna ask you about those things parents tell me there's more laughter in the homes the parent-child relationship is healthier and happier because you're talking about life not about the academic transact that says more you're making your kid feel they matter to you because they exist thank you [Laughter] thank you our school matters the price of admission series continues tomorrow you're watching CBS this morning we're going to talk to former you phen associate dean Sarah hay Burson she's pulling back the curtain on the admissions process and offers tips on what schools are actually looking for

Channel: CBS Mornings

Views: 9,640

Keywords: video, cbs, news, money, stress, students, college, applications, parents, pressure, stress level

Id: eoOmrhdDYW8

Length: 7min 53sec (473 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 21 2019