For All The Girls In The Room | Sarah Millican

I do a lot of driving in this job I don't I don't find driving very relaxing uh I get quite stressed behind the wheel and I bought something recently that I thought might help in certain situations and what I bought was a Shea we now some of you know what it is if you don't know what a sha is it's a little plastic funnel that ladies can use in order to have a waist standing up without having to remove any clothing it's quite practical quite functional women use it for music festivals or for going walk and a hik and or that sort of thing I bought it cuz I got stuck in traffic I wasn't just like at the lights for ages going come on come on [ __ ] it I'm just gonna piss myself now I was driving on the m6 between Manchester and Birmingham and a lorry Jack knif and there's 150 cars stuck for 2 and a half hours and all of the men were getting out of their cars they all had a bit of a chat with each other and then they stood in a big long Lane on the hard shoulder and had a away and I was really jealous so I got in ordered a shiwi it arrived it's pink obviously and I also bought an extension pipe I thought if that ever happens again and I get away alongside the men on the hard shoulder wouldn't it be great if I had the biggest [ __ ] is that all You' got love has anybody got a shoulder I can rest mine on but I'm quite practical like that I like I've only been driving a few years uh but when I first passed my test my dad who I get my practical side from said to me right the following things you should always have in the boot of your car you need a blanket you need a flask you need a shovel and he's right cuz whenever I've killed a man I'm always parched I bought this dress many reasons but one of them is that it's got [ __ ] Pockets how you make a woman happy isn't it show her something with pockets this is what feminism is to me cuz I could be scratching my funny now you'd have no idea I've got a friend who's got dungar and they've got pockets everywhere and she looks amazing in her dungar and I'm so jealous and I keep thinking should I get some dungies but she's a lot thinner than me and I've got a horrible feeling I just look [ __ ] pregnant in them that's what I said to my husband I said I think the only way I could get away with dungar is if either I lost loads of weight it's not going to happen I can't be bothered or I wait until I'm so old that I couldn't possibly be pregnant which these days because of [ __ ] science is about 70 isn't it thanks [ __ ] science my husband went oh and I thought oh he's got a good logical brain he's thought of a third solution he said you could just wear the dunger but always carry a paintbrush with you said no in myo people just pointing and go look at that fat old lady preparing the nursery for her unborn child we're heading on for my favorite time of the day which is bedtime [ __ ] love sleeping I don't however sleep naked give me a w if you do sleep naked and if you don't the main reason I don't sleep naked is we've got a cat who's an [ __ ] and if your toes are popping out the end of the dovy he will nibble on them imagine what he do to me funny I'm not risking it not risking it but a while ago a friend of mine rang me one day laughing she was heavily pregnant at the time she rang me to tell me the hospital had been on the phone and they said that when she came to give birth she used to bring in nighty and she thought this was piss funny she said who even wears 9s these days and I didn't say anything but I wanted to say it me then she said where would you even get a 0 from these days and that's when I snapped and said Marks and Spencers you [ __ ] idiot they told her to bring her button down nighty which makes sense for breastfeeding reasons but I think that's just good advice for all of us isn't it if your partner can rumage in the top and then rumage underneath you don't have to take the [ __ ] off at all there are some health benefits to sleeping naked let me tell you there's three of them let me talk you through them number one uh keeps your temperature down and I thought well sort of sticking a leg out number two improve self-esteem that sounds like a load of [ __ ] doesn't it I don't think it would improve my self-esteem if my husband rolled over to see me lie in there with a chin full of tits at least in a nighty they're contained aren't they instead it looks like a carry a bag full of bread buns and number three keeps testicles cool it's mostly for the men that one obviously now I've met met I've met some testicles in my time nice to meet you I've never met a cool one they've all got a degree of sort of tackiness haven't they like you're waiting for them to dry but I've got a nice tradition I led to get new pajamas for Christmas does anybody else do that yeah so last November I went around various department stores to have a look at what they had by way of new stock in the pajama Department it wasn't great if I'm honest I would say half of them were fley that's the noise that women make when parts of them are hotter than the sun nobody wants thrush for Santa coming to the the other half had slogans across here I'm 47 [ __ ] off with your slogans I saw two slogans one said it's prco o'clock which I don't know if you know is not an actual time just a fancy term for alcoholism and the other one said there's always time for a brunch and there's not is there sometimes just just you and some weat bics and it's pretty [ __ ] sad I thought if they want slogans why don't they have real istic slogan so I had a think and I've come up with three ideas I am going to pitch them to the department stores but I wanted to run them by you first is that all right okay so here we go three realistic slogans for pajama tops here we go number one don't come too close I've worn these as clothes for 4 days that one that one number two that's not a pattern it's tomato soup and number three if I'm honest the top smells better than the [Applause] bottoms I will pitch them to the department stores and I'll let you know how I get on I stopped buying women's magazines about 6 months ago I stopped buying women's magazines cuz it feels like there's nothing in there for me I might as well be buying a magazine about Yachts there's just nothing in there for me why would I buy anything well the only time I ever see anybody who who looks a bit like me is underneath the word before but women's magazines always maintain that they're about improving women's lives and it's [ __ ] because they never they never tell you just to see your friends more often or to read more books it's always the physical things that we're supposed to do to ourselves and the list of those things is quite ridiculous you can have your eyebrows waxed your eyelashes tinted your skin darkened your teeth lightened manicures pedicures cleanse Tor and moisturize I'm 38 I've cleansed I've moisturized I've no idea what Torin actually is does anybody give us a woo if you do a few of you does anyone have shout out what it is no I'll woo but I'm not explaining it to her like makeup I like wearing makeup I like wearing it on stage I like wearing if I go out somewhere nice but I don't think I need to wear it all the time and I don't think I look weird if I don't have any on I still don't really understand why I paint over naturally Rosy Cheeks to then apply Rosy Cheeks like hair removal is a whole subject all in its own isn't it there's so many different ways especially as women that we can remove our hair you can wax you can shave you can pluck you can epilate my sister had laser treatment laser treatment which is supposed to be permanent she had it to her underarms it was quite painful and quite expensive and after two months the whole lot just grew back in which is terrible but does go some way to explaining why James Bond was always so nonchalant when a laser was aimed at his [ __ ] and balls come back in a couple of months might be Champion realiz I've made James Bond a Jordy maybe that's the future few cheers for a James Bond that's JY how nice but of course women's magazines there are only two options for hair down there for women one of my friends said to me recently she said um you know why women are supposed to have hair down there don't you and I said is it like you nose so you don't get mck of it and she said no she said women are supposed to have hair down there so that nature knows where your reproductive bits are I said why does nature need to know surely as long as me Fell's got a rough idea why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know well maybe the rabbits actually as an aside I should tell you this I did recently treat myself to a new and I cannot recommend it highly enough it's only got the one speed which I think a lot of people in this room be like one speed that sounds rubbish you know what the speed is [ __ ] and hell yes that's the speed any vibrator that needs a square battery is already fine by me but I clearly get this cautious nature from my parents when I was little and I wanted to play out my mom would say play out by all means in the back Lane but leave the backyard door open and every 20 minutes I want you to come past that backyard door and just give us a little wave so that I know you're all right and she'd stand at that kitchen window for what seemed like hours just to make sure that I was safe and I know it's just that I ever got abducted I'd never be further than Gates head it's quite satisfying to see that my parents haven't changed in the intervene in 30 years they came to stay with me a few months ago for the weekend and on the Sunday night they're packing up the car to go home and my mom has what she calls her pretty woman bags which you know like the cardboard shopping bags as opposed to plastic ones I'm glad that I know that's what she calls them cuz a month before that I've been on the phone when she said e I've had a proper Pretty Woman day and I thought I hope you've been shopping and not just sucking off businessmen she's retired she's got a lot of time on her hands but pretty woman for me is one of those films I think we've all got one of those films where even if you've got the DVD which means technically you could watch it any time you liked if it's on the Telly you're watching it and that's one of mine and it was on not too long ago on ITV 2 + 1 * 4 and you know that scene even you haven't seen the film you know the classic scene where she goes back into the shop that wouldn't serve her and she says you work on commission big mistake huge and I thought that film would have been totally different if she hadd been a size 18 wouldn't it cuz I'm a size 18 and pretty much guarantee I couldn't get in any designer clothes I wor about getting stuck in the [ __ ] cubicles let alone the clothes should have gone back in and gone you work on commission well I've ordered some things online and I don't know if they're going to fit so I bought a handbag to cheer myself up and I filled it with [ __ ] M teers so my Mom is putting our Pretty Woman bags in the back seat of the car my dad said put them in the boot and she said well I put them in the back seat he said put them in the boat well why can't I just leave them in the back seat he said if leave them in the back seat and I've got a Slammy brakes on they'll take their top of your head off and you not be able to wear your bonny dresses that you've just bought cuz you'll be dead they looked at me Mom and she went if that happens the receipts are in the bag just take them back but I was get annoyed by my period I've had my period for over 30 years I've never wanted children not a moment not a flicker I'm sure a lot of you've got kids and you're having a great time with them and that's smashing for you it's not for me it's not for me at all the best way I can describe how annoyed I get every time my period start is like this imagine you've got a friend at work she's called Deborah she's great Deborah's got a rabbit hutch and every month she cleans it out put fresh beding in fresh water in the water water bottle fresh food in the food boat looks spotless amazing SP and span and he said to I Deborah are you ever going to get a rabbit she goes nah I [ __ ] hate them that's what periods are to me feel like I'm making up the guest bedroom for a visitor that will ruin my [ __ ] life enjoy your new baby madam do also have very heavy periods uh not today not any danger in the front row there who wouldn't do that to you do have very heavy periods you know the old saying it's like trying to get blood out of a stone I think they should update that I think it now should be e like trying to get blood out of a mattress topper in a h tell to have very heavy periods I feel like at the beginning of my period it's quite tricky to explain this at the beginning of my period it's a little bit like my ass is in competition some of you already know what I mean that's good that's helpful it's a little bit like my ass is going oh are we having a big clear out I'll have a bit clear out as well if that's all right feel at the beginning of my period nothing could shock me nothing could shock me if I turn around look down that toilet there was a dead rat just floting like sure makes sense the cast of The Walking Dead just climbing out the girl off the ring popping up over the side sometimes I look down that toilet looks like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan I did say there would be some upsetting scenes thanks for watching you know what would be great is if you liked and subscribed I'm so NY I'm so sorry H and why not come and see me live and the tickets are available at s.c. put the kettle on and settle in

Channel: Sarah Millican

Views: 183,716

Keywords: SARAH MILLICAN, SARAH MILLICAN OUTSIDER, SARAH MILLICAN BOBBY DAZZLER, SARAH MILLICAN FULL SHOW, SARAH MILLICAN LIVE AT THE APOLLO, SARAH MILLICAN LIVE, LIVE COMEDY, SARAH MILLICAN TOUR, comedy 2023, comedy video, comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, sarah millican stand up, girl talk, girl dinner, girls in the room, for all the girls in the room, Sarah Millican comedy, sarah millican girl talk, #comedy, #comedian, #girls, #girl, #girldinner

Id: OxewxGtJaEE

Length: 15min 21sec (921 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 04 2024