running away

hopefully this video isn't an epic show it's me your buff floor boy cougar the mighty this last week I had a huge wake-up call three years ago something broke something in me broke three years is how long it took to reset it 2020 possibly the darkest year in the timeline to unbreak something so powerful and so strong in my life I even think I came out on top let me preface this by saying that I'm so stoked right now I've got a podcast coming out very soon with my bro wellin big rust youtuber does talk up and some other stuff and just overall good guy we're gonna be talking about gaming and fitness - my favorite things of all time and podcasting which is how I got my start I've always wanted to do that I've been taking a step back from going too crazy on YouTube and twitch because I've been working a lot on myself and I think it took all this crap going on in the world right now and me focusing in to finally undo something that has been going wrong with me for three [ __ ] years I'm like uh I'm [ __ ] whoo whoo I felt good to say it's joy man it's joy let me explain more what's going on here some of you guys might need this video during some of these tough times I used to listen to this podcast I really liked called bodybuilding and bollocks and then I found out that one of the hosts of that show had taken his life and it masked me up recently a streamer I used to really really look up to and enjoy watching for for many many years many years reckful he was a guy that was so smart and so successful I mean it's it's always the way it is right it's always the way it is and I did the horrible thing of watching some of the last stream that he did and some of the things he said and some of the things it or his last sort of words on Twitter and they hit [ __ ] real hard because I I've been there I've been there and I've made mistakes and I have regrets two years ago I made a huge one but it's hopefully one I'll be able to fix and hopefully we'll be able to do that in a vlog as well there's a lot of [ __ ] that's been going on that has made me realize how much I still want to do one of the points of this video is that csgo funny moments is maybe not oh I'm much more interested in living my life and sharing it with you because in a way I've already done and been through so much but yet I still feel like it could only be the tip of the iceberg of my future and that's [ __ ] exciting and it took this dark time I'm feeling a little bit angry and it's I'm not angry because I want to stay angry and be angry it's because the anger comes from like a fire that makes me stay hungry and when you go through some [ __ ] in life and you go to dark places it's important that you stay hungry because when you're hungry you're happy you have to make action you don't you can't sit around you have to do stuff it sucks it took me three years three years to unwind damage that had been done that was built up over ten years prior let me let me help explain maybe why I am the way I am I grew up in a very small town in New Hampshire called Meredith when I was young I was super into sports I was super jockey all the way up until I was about 16 years old I played varsity soccer varsity basketball super Chad and then I got into music I grew my hair out and start playing in bands and all the sports people started to not like me so much anymore so I quit I ran away and quit when I was 18 I didn't go to college right away because I did find myself hired by a band that was signed by a record label a record deal we practiced for about four months before a tour and then the singer of the band that was signed got caught doing a lot of drugs and it all got cancelled and instead of continuing to try to pursue that listened to my parents and quit all that nonsense and went to college I started off in college and music it was too hard I quit I did computer science computer science was too hard I quit that did the IT when I was 21 I met an amazing girl from the UK who was working in New Hampshire we fell in love and I dropped out of college quit that could everything told my parents I was gonna move to England after 1.5 million pieces of paperwork visas payments thing things that I did we did not have at the time at 23 in order to stay together we ended up getting married in England Leeds England after almost three years in the UK I got a little bit a bit homesick so what did I do I ran away I ran back to the United States we talked about moving back and everything was gonna be fine we were gonna move back to the United States which we did after we had issues with visas which caused us to be separated for about a year and a half while I started over once again brand-new job working my way up a corporate ladder trying to make as much money and have a good career as possible for when she got there but we had some really tough times spending a year and a half apart in our early mid-20s being married and there were there were times where we weren't sure if it was be worth it or last and I found out later that during this time she really didn't feel like it was gonna be worth it we ended up moving to Portland Maine which was a really cool city and I have very fond memories of it because it's where I got my youtube blow up it's where I blew up on YouTube it's where I was able to quit my job stacking vegetables out of Whole Foods put my knife in my apron down and say I'm gonna go make video game videos on the internet for a living and y'all can suck it it was an amazing time during this time I met great people that really helped with like the initial uprising of the channel like Fitz and the guys over at the now called misfits this is before they had misfits or any of that stuff and doing a lot of videos collaborating with them really helped grow the channel all at the same time which I'm realizing now is is a lot of the way to do it with the algorithm right now is is forming groups making super groups making it like a big TV show of the bunch characters is a lot more successful in gaming than just doing it solo things were going great the channel was blowing up I was meeting a lot of my YouTube heroes people that I still highly regard I was making tons of money compared to what I had been making that year I think I may be five hundred five thousand presented my salad my income in like six months just to give you an idea of how scary it is to be enough nobody and then a big youtuber or twitch streamer money just all of a sudden all the value of it just [ __ ] goes nuts especially someone like me me and my ex did not ever have that much money we were always just trying to find decent jobs to get by and now all of a sudden money means absolutely nothing it and and I did not adapt to it well at all I was having just like imposter syndrome identity crisis I was so stressed that now that I was being so successful I my content had to keep getting better I had to change I had to be more I had to be more and more more and more to be this that couldn't live up to it and I developed a panic disorder anxiety disorder and even some eating disorders at the same time which immediately after put a huge damper on the rise and success of my channel it got cut real short because I could not be consistent on uploads and quality because it was such a hard time during this time I found reckful x' passing and comments before passing most relatable you can find countless clips of him stating that people that he thought were his friends thought that he was crazy that didn't want to talk to him we're dancing around tiptoeing around talking in a certain way this is kind of what happened during that time for me as well I a lien Aidid myself I also had a lot of like social anxiety just come out of nowhere people thought I was just like changing and weird and awkward and and I was forcing a lot of stuff which is completely all true but I also felt very distanced and it's not even that I necessarily blame them it's a self-preservation human thing to want to surround yourself with things that are good for you positive for you so it's not always the easiest thing to try to help up somebody who's hurting the team so I get it I get it this was the first time that I had that rock-bottom feeling and I remember having panic attacks for so many weeks in a row and not eating and crumbling under pressure that was the first time that I was like if if I if I died oh well I would have never done anything but I had that I finally had those sort of thoughts this was back in 2000 and geez 2017 at this time around the holiday season around all these the same difficult times everything going on right all this other stuff going on right now is when I found out that my my wife at the time had really not believed in us and a lot of my core values as a adult as a person as a man and as a husband at the time were shattered were completely broken I packed up everything that I wanted to pack and I moved as far away from that place as I possibly could I ran away I don't know if you're noticing a pattern here right as I moved to Seattle it was here in Seattle that I conquered my panic disorders my anxiety did my social anxiety disorders I made tons of new friends I met someone that means so much to me in my life even to this day in this time and I had a [ __ ] blast I ran away from a very important person in my life during this time because of my past and I also ran away from some of my dreams so I ran away from downtown Seattle because of finances and moved into the gaming house when I moved into the gaming house I thought it was I don't know what I thought it was gonna be but I needed a change and I needed to save some money so it was me cry AHS and Jay having the past I had and having all these expectations and having all these things in my head that were like the word should is always attached when you can't accept stuff there's always like this should in your head I really shouldn't be living with mates I'm like 30 years old I was married for like six years I've been through all stuff like I just feel like I didn't belong in there and so it was a little uncomfortable for me even though those guys were great I really enjoyed cooking for them and they introduced me to one of my favorite animes ever I met a girl on Twitch and I thought she was pretty cool and so I ran away and I moved to Florida to be with her so for reference Maine Seattle Florida hey that's why they call me the mover man googled mover let's go and yet somehow we ended up back where it all started back here in Seattle due to her getting a job here and bringing us here not even of my own accord it was a very strange occurrence but in these last few months of recording a vlog here they're making lots of lists doing lots of meditation meeting a lot of new people safely of course something happened something very strange happened after I started taking a lot of action doing things that meant a lot to me speaking and doing things from the heart and accepting and running towards happiness instead of running away from fear is one of the reasons why in this darkest time things have never been more clear and I've never been more excited about the future I gave up recording music and playing my guitar when I was 21 years old because I had failed and I didn't think I was allowed to try anymore I got married really young and it ended in disaster and so I felt like I didn't have permission to love again I overcame panic disorder anxiety disorder and depression I have mastered them it doesn't mean that I don't have to fight them anymore I have mastered them but I still didn't feel like I was allowed to call myself normal again I've ran away from so many places and moved to so many places I didn't feel like I was allowed to to feel like I had a home I've lived a life that is so adventurous and outlandish that I feel distant from my family a month ago I maybe felt like I had fallen so far off on YouTube that I had to accept defeat and I wasn't allowed to reinvent myself and that even if I did I didn't know who myself was I convinced myself I should just fail I didn't give myself permission to accept all the things that have happened to me and permission to continue to pursue being happy my name is Nick sleeper I love fitness I'm a very emotional dude I'm adventurous I'm loud and I love making other people happy I don't love that somewhere somehow my worst enemy is not having a good day I love that somewhere someone not having a good day is smiling I love doing so many things that I don't think I'll ever be truly great at any one thing but I'm gonna have a really good time trying my best everything check out me and Whelan's podcast when it comes out down beneath if you feel like supporting me I'll also have my patreon stuff down in the bottom you can come hang out on Twitch some time on this particular channel I'm going to be taking you through more of my life's adventure seeing and experiencing and doing things that I want to do tying up some loose ends in my past getting fit staying motivated smiling I'm gonna try my best to rekindle a lot of old gaming relationships that I had in the past YouTube's algorithm doesn't really work the same way anymore so I might just make a new channel and when I know what that is I'll let you guys know too this is the end of an era the start of a new beginning and I'll remember this day in this video as maybe one of the happiest real and moments of my life and I hope if you watched and listened through the whole video you understand why I uploaded it some things will never change though like taking deep breaths smiling and stay in joy [Music]

Channel: Kugo the Mighty

Views: 53,725

Rating: 4.9845433 out of 5

Keywords: Kugo the Mighty, running away, panic disorder, anxiety, kugo, vlog, kugo vlog

Id: I7zqTqQ2BVY

Length: 18min 4sec (1084 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 06 2020