r/StoriesAboutKevin - Police called... Kevin in BIG Trouble...

[Music] what's up guys welcome to dailydoseofreddit this is your host zach and today's subreddit desire stories about kevin this story is called we are kevin an anthology a while back a number of buddies and i went to various parts of the world on religious missions the way this would work is 18 to 21 year old guys would be assigned to a region somewhere in the world for the entire duration of their mission once they arrived in that region they would be partnered up with another guy for a period of time partners and assignments to specific locations within that region are frequently changed this means that they'll have a lot of different partners and be in a fair number of different places during this time we had the opportunity to witness many acts of kevin these stories of kevin-ness fall into two categories 1. sudden manifestations of kevanosity or smks these are the sudden outbreaks of stupidity that are the inevitable consequence of putting young men who have likely never been on their own before together this is regardless of the specific environment anyone who's been in the military knows what i'm talking about two notable stories from the lives of actual kevins or aks who just so happen to be on these missions with us mortals i will leave classifying each story into these categories as an exercise for the reader largely because i do not know myself with that background out of the way here are some of the highlights of kevin-ness that my buddies and i saw one this first story comes from back before terrorism became the major concern that it is today luckily for this kevin kevin's partner up and decided in the middle of the night that he was done with his mission and took their car to the airport so he could go home in theory this is perfectly fine but the lack of communication with his partner and the logistics personnel supporting their mission imbued his own actions with the taint of kevin trademark and precipitated the glorious moment of heavenness that makes this story worth retelling anyway this particular kevin wakes up to his partner packing his stuff into the car and heading to the airport rather than head to the airport with his partner so he can either talk him through what was going on or at least drive the car back after he left kevin decided that staying in his apartment like missionaries generally do at that time of night was his best play he calls the support staff in a panic and asks them what he should do they tell him to keep his partner from flying out at least for a little bit so they can talk to the partner and figure out what exactly is going on and sort out the logistics of his departure kevin takes this sensible request and decides that nothing not rain sleet snow or common freaking sense will stop him from fulfilling it he calls the airport this in and of itself wasn't a bad decision in the days before cell phones unfortunately kevin uses this call to make a bomb threat to the airport i don't know what happened after that and maybe it's more entertaining to imagine i figure this story would have included kevin getting arrested if that had happened so i can only imagine that he derped his way into a pay phone to make the call instead of using a landline and had the good luck to not remember his name when they asked for it too this kevin went to a new area and decided that the decor in his new apartment wasn't up to his discerning standards so now he faces the problem how to get this unappealing furniture out of his apartment that is several stories up this leads him to the obvious solution tying a rope around the couch and lowering it from the little patio this of course led to the totally unforeseeable outcome of the couch and rope deciding of their own volition to separate mid-descent this resulted in the couch striking a parked car like some kind of dumb bomb in fact this may have been the dumbest of bombs considering that the weapons wielder was that font of all stupidity himself kevin 3a i had the misfortune of knowing this kevin personally so i have a few stories about him this kevin was a true actual kevin to look upon him was to gaze upon the god of kevin's himself so anyway kevin introduces himself to an older lady and goes to shake her hand now i know what you're thinking oh p is this really germane to the story surely a handshake is too simple a thing for even a kevin to screw up and that dear reader is where you could be wrong perhaps your average kevin would be incapable of screwing up a handshake but not this guy if you assembled a committee and asked them to write down the attributes of the ideal kevin you would get a specimen that pales in comparison to this glorious kevin so having said that i'm sure you're wondering just how he managed to screw it up well it's simple he broke her hand 3b kevin was later banished to the hinterlands of alberta for his crimes against the dream of a functioning society now this was during hunting season so kevin and his partner enter a house and see a hunting rifle propped up in a corner of the living room kevin was entranced by an object that could amplify the danger of his stupidity and picks up this rifle without asking for permission as kevins are want to do he doesn't check to see if it's loaded puts his finger on the trigger and muzzles the entire room when he turns to show everyone his fascinating discovery the father of the house walks over and rips the gun from poor kevin's hands he then somehow manages to refrain from butt stroking kevin with the rifle and explains in great detail just how stupid he is he tells kevin to never come back to his home 3c a note missionaries were required to have one guide the other whenever they had to back their vehicle up kevin's partner forgot that he has exactly zero degrees of separation from stupid and made the mistake of letting said living embodiment of stupid drive they left the house after dark so sometime after 4 pm during the winter in northern alberta kevin hops into their chevy colorado and slams the thing into reverse with nary a glance backwards at his barely visible companion he begins to back out of this rather lengthy driveway and continues to back up even after a muffled shout and womp filtered in from behind the truck he gets onto the street and puts the truck in park surely elated that he had finally done something without making a mess of it he waits for a moment but his companion doesn't hop into the passenger seat to congratulate him on his great backing job after a moment kevin gets out of the truck to see where his partner had gone perhaps to relay the news of kevin's crowning achievement to the world but no and finds him in a heap at the side of the driveway you see kevin's partner realized that he had a sudden unscheduled meeting with a bumper courtesy of kevin too late to call in postpone they figured later that he had gotten folded backwards by the bumper fortunately the truck spit him out to the side like so much used bubble gum before the rear tire had to a goateem in the process of all this kevin's partner fractured his back in several places and was rushed to the nearest hospital several hours away in edmonton kevin's partner recovered and finished his mission he even got revenge on that truck during a story i won't relate today that involves the transistive property of kevin-ness 4a this kevin is one of those people that can't stop being kevin despite all the love and support a family can provide some background on this kevin his father was a high-ranking federal marshal in the state he grew up in evidently kevin would speed as a matter of course and whenever he got pulled over his father's name would come up on the registration and kevin wouldn't get a ticket in high school his parents would pay for kevin to go on dates they eventually cut him off because kevin would routinely spend 100 on these dates for his 16th birthday kevin's parents bought him a brand new infinity and kevin had the gall to be indignant that they didn't get him a bmw instead kevin then totaled his car and his parents bought him another brand new infinity he wound up on a mission because i assume his parents hoped it would straighten him out it didn't he certainly wasn't paying for it himself at any rate so there kevin is partnered up with one of my best friends out in rural alberta one day my best friend fell asleep in the passenger seat on a short 90 minute drive so kevin decides to hit the governor on their chevy colorado which was 160 kilometers per hour ask me how i know unbeknownst to kevin he blew past a parked cop somewhere along the way who immediately starts to pursue them it takes the cop 15 to 20 minutes to catch up to kevin on the deserted twisty mountain highway once he finally gets behind them kevin doesn't notice the cop had to pull alongside them and motion kevin towards the side of the road before he finally got the hint the cop storms up to kevin's window and begins to chew him out asking him if he was stupid he was it was at that point that kevin had the temerity to ask a simple question can i get a warning and that's the story of how kevin got his truck impounded 4b around the same time as kevin was getting his truck impounded i was paired up with an awesome dude who had lived his entire life on and around the island of vava's in tonga him living his whole life never seeing temperatures lower than 16 degrees celsius and then coming to alberta and seeing negative 40 degrees celsius is a story for another time now my tongan friend was very nice and easy going right up to the moment you really piss him off if that happened which wasn't often press f to pay respects because you done messed up boy the dude played eight in rugby competitively and it showed anyway a few months go by and i hear that my tongan friend and kevin have been paired up my reaction to hearing that was to laugh out loud wait wait wait what i worry you heard was that i thought it was funny what i meant was that once i'd managed to control my laughter i said something to the effect of bless his heart but that idiot is gonna get himself killed kevin lasted less than a week with him unfortunately as part of the fallout kevin got assigned to an area adjacent to mine coupled with the fact that i was still in contact with my tongan friend i got to hear both of their sides of the story turns out kevin had a habit of staying up and talking on the phone to people who were his friends for some unknown reason after the typical bedtime in their short time together kevin and my tongan friend were questioned about their phone's airtime overages kevin decided it was a good idea to blame my tongan friend this late night talking also interfered with my tongan friend's bedtime and so he came into the living room to ask him to stop so he could go to sleep kevin ignored him and made shoeing motions back towards the room which coupled with his previous blame game shenanigans pushed my tongan friend over the edge he chucked a standing fan at kevin's head which missed and left a hole in the drywall next to his head kevin then fled to the kitchen where he grabbed a knife and pointed it at my tongan friend he figured kevin didn't have the cojones to use it and reached past the knife to give kevin an open palm slap to his head with the full force of my tongan friends 5'10 280 pound frame as soon as kevin had recovered what little wits he had in the first place he picked himself out of his puddle of piss on the kitchen linoleum took the pair's cell phone and fled into the summer night in his piss-soaked underwear he called his buddy and had him pick him up and so ended kevin in my tongan friend's time together note when kevin told me his side of the story he claimed he held my tongan friend at knifepoint and knew that he could kill him but that he consciously chose not to and left there was no mention of getting slapped so hard he pissed himself or running away in just his underwear 5. this kevin was somewhere in new zealand with another buddy of mine when this happened a couple of days prior to this kevin decided to waste his money on a massive laser pointer that he didn't need we can skip through a couple of days of kevin taking immense satisfaction and shining his laser pointer at various things for brevity's sake one night a police helicopter was shining a searchlight at the ground clearly looking for something for some god forsaken reason kevin gets the bright idea to shine his laser pointer at the helicopter's cockpit maybe because he thought his laser pointer was cool and that the cops would think so too he only does this for a second during which i can imagine the pilot look something like this i'm sure i don't have to tell you that this is a massive no-no and violates flight regulations in every country to ever acquaint itself with bernoulli's principle fortunately for nair due wells it's hard to catch someone doing this unless you happen to be looking for the person and they do it long enough for you to zero in on their location the helicopter begins to circle their neighborhood and kevin must have figured the cops wanted to come check out his laser pointer in person because of how cool it was so he decides to shine it at the helicopter again a little bit later the cop showed up at their door to tell kevin exactly what they thought of it so that's it for now i figure this post is long enough but if you enjoyed it i might scrape together some more yes please share more um these kevins were definitely kevin's and i'll leave the categorization of the types of kevin's in these stories up to you this story is called kavina the nanny uses four bottles to feed a baby two times one of covina the nanny's jobs was to feed our baby a bottle two times a day she was supposed to take breast milk from the refrigerator and measure out three ounces for each feeding we noticed after a few days that there were always four dirty bottles in the sink we didn't understand because she confirmed she was only feeding our baby twice a day at the times we asked and it wasn't just curiosity it took some time for us to clean and sterilize the used bottles every evening after it happened again we asked her to show us exactly what she was doing as a bit of backstory when my wife showed covina how to prepare a bottle she had just pumped some breast milk into a storage bag and she used the kitchen scale to measure how many ounces she had pumped since the markings on the pumping bags aren't very accurate she first zeroed the scale using an empty pumping bag so when we asked kavina to show us how she was preparing a bottle we watched her take breast milk out of the fridge then used the kitchen scale to measure three ounces just like she had seen us do she used a clean bottle to zero the scale then she put the clean bottle in the sink you know what some people they just operate at a level higher than we can even imagine so they might end up doing things that we think are stupid but they're actually so incredibly smart that they look stupid don't forget to like subscribe and hit that bell to never miss an episode

Channel: Daily Dose Of Reddit

Views: 15,884

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit funny, daily dose of reddit, daily dose of internet, daily dose of memes

Id: Yy7qQLk0aY8

Length: 17min 46sec (1066 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 06 2020