["...and Turkey. ["HEY, JOEY! WE'RE HERE, MAN! DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL PUMMEL WHOEVER'S FOLLOWING YA!" ["THE BALDIES!" ["Baldies?" ["Oh shit!"
"Get outta here!"] [Subtitles by danielsangeo] Hey! Welcome back to the Game Dungeon. Today we're balding it up with
"Baldies", a real-time strategy game. This is another new game for me. I played the demo a while back-- or rather, I TRIED to play the
demo, got confused, but wanted to come back to it some time. Well, it turns out "some time"
means about twenty years later, but here we are. Let's see what
this is all about. So we begin and--
nope, it's not that simple. Again, this is a strategy game,
what the PC did best, so naturally this came out first
for the Atari Jaguar in '95. Man, I forgot that even existed. A year later, it got ported to
DOS and Windows. The DOS screen is pretty nice. We get a
scrolling menu and some art. I like it. And despite the centerfold pose
in the background, the Windows copy is pretty
damned spartan in comparison, but we're ALREADY GETTING ROBBED because the Jaguar version had a
full claymation intro video. This came out on CD--they didn't have
space for it? Why didn't we get that? This game was different on everything. Later, this came out on the
PlayStation and Saturn, too, and they had sort of a fake 3D
mode that looked good. So this might be the only time
I've heard of a strategy game being better on the console. So anyway, we get to-- Oh wait. So we DO get the claymation
intro, but only on DOS. What the hell? This does NOT show up on the Windows copy. Well, too late. I'm going to be
running the Windows copy because it has four times the
resolution of the DOS one. I can't say no to that for an RTS. So we're all good to go, right? And hey, this game runs natively on
modern Windows. No emulation required. Okay, so, uh... This is what you
see running it twenty years later. You'd think by '96,
they would've figured out that computers were going to get
faster but I guess not. I mean, look at this. This isn't playable. Anyway, I figured out how to slow it down, but
I had to take my best guess on the frame rate, so we're coming to you in
glorious 20 frames per second. It was still too hyper for me at 30. An interesting note is that this
does NOT happen on the DOS copy. Even if you double the processor speed
in emulation, it never runs too fast, so this was unique to the Windows copy. I don't always understand computers. So we begin and... now what? Well, when I played the demo, I figured
out you can pick them up and drop them. If you drop them in the water,
they drown. That's no good. If you drop them in the house,
they look like they're busy. And there's about as far as I got. There's some in-game tips you can turn
on, but these are not that helpful. It keeps telling me to build a
barracks even when I have one built, then tells me I can put baldies in trees. I'm not seeing a lot of trees on this map. Also, he likes fish. This is a sharp contrast to the
PlayStation version which gives you a LOT of helpful advice, like the number of builders to maintain a
house. That's super-helpful information. I still don't know how many I
really need for the bigger ones. Well now, some twenty years
later, I have access to a manual and it's like a magic spell being lifted. So this game is about going bald
and what happens next. Well it seems that, if you're going bald, the next step is to
form a paramilitary group and set out to destroy everyone
who still has hair on their heads. So, that's what we're going to do. The baldies get assigned as workers,
builders, soldiers, scientists, or angels. Despite the name, the workers
don't seem to do any actual work. Their main purpose is to breed. Now this is one area the DOS and
Windows versions differ. In the DOS version, they show
them jumping on a bed, but I guess the developers decided
that was too sexually risqué, so they toned it down to just
him doing aerobics. In fact, the manual says as much. "Workers will watch Television or exercise
in their room. They also breed in here, "but this is a family game, so we are
unable to depict this activity graphically." So they WANTED to show baldy orgies, but decided they'd better tone it
down before their game got banned. I've heard it said before that art is a
compromise between your vision and reality, and that's what's going on here. I mean, I don't even know what the
plan was; all the baldies are male, but whatever. Back to the game. The goal is to upgrade your base
of operations with the builders, and you can either make advanced breeding
facilities, a military barracks, or a lab. You defeat the enemy by either
sending your soldiers to go kill them or by using your inventions your
scientists come up with. This opens up another layer of complexity. The scientists you need to have both inside
the lab and outside gathering samples. What they research depends on multiple
variables I still don't fully understand. Some research seems map-specific, other research is tiered so you have
to research the bottom level first. Others require you to harvest
specific animals in order to obtain and they're not always there. Even then, some animals you have to drop in
the ocean first, and the ocean will produce different fish depending on which
animal you drop in the ocean. But then, after it's
all done and researched, I can make it rain fish. I guess this is helpful? I'm still not sure. Some inventions are obviously helpful, others feel really convoluted and are
kind of a waste of time and resources. It's all bizarre. Anyway, the soldiers are simpler,
but they still take some management. By default, all they'll do is punch the
enemy. You don't win wars like that. In order for them to bring the pain, you need to leave some behind
back at base preparing munitions. This is another area where the
game versions differ. In the Windows copy, it just shows
the soldier doing physical training, but the DOS copy shows the baldy
loading ammunition. The more soldiers you assign to this, the more ammo you have later to
commence the attack. I think the DOS version is better here. It gives me this image of some
twenty or thirty bald guys all sitting at tables loading rounds
into magazines for hours on end. It really sets the tone here
that, despite them looking goofy, the baldies mean business and
they're coming for you. Watch out! And that's what I do for the
next several levels. I breed my troops, supply them, and then send them to the enemy
base to wipe everyone out. Most of the inventions don't
seem to help that much. I'd say at least half of them
are variations of the same thing: you lay a trap, a hairy walks over it, it
kills a couple of them, then disappears. It can electrocute them, pit
trap them, snare them, explode, inflate them, set them on fire, et cetera. Again, the baldies are not to be
reckoned with. While this DOES hurt the enemy, you have to factor in how long it
takes you to research these items, versus how long it takes them to
breed back their own population. I found it to be a losing
proposition most of the time because they're like cockroaches.
They're just going to bounce back. You have to kill them at the source. On that note, one of the better
inventions is the skunk bomb. When you try to take an enemy building,
you typically take heavy casualties. But if you use a skunk bomb, you can flush them out of the house and
gun them down as they run out the door. While it's practically a massacre,
this prevents casualties on my end. Skunks save lives. I have to say, though, this is sort of
in contrast with the cartoon graphics, bright colors and happy music. This strategy can be so effective; it feels
more like I'm running an execution squad. Family game, my ass! This is war! This is only reinforced later on as it's not enough to simply
wipe out the enemy's base. The game expects you to hunt
down every last man and kill him. Anything less than complete
genocide is unacceptable. This becomes a real pain because sometimes
the hairies will hide in the trees and the only way to flush them out
is to develop snake technology. But even then, you have to go and manually
check each tree on the map one-by-one until you can find the one, or
multiple ones, they're hiding out in. I feel like a commander in World War II trying to hunt down Japanese
fortifications in the Pacific. I know they're out there, but there's
twenty islands they could be hiding out on. It's going to take a long time to find them. A lot of the levels are very doable
but they're a slog because of this. Also, it feels like you're always waiting
on your baldies' breeding to take off. There's a delay to the start of
pretty much everything. This makes me start losing my patience and I start forgoing the skunk bombs. These bombs take time to develop,
a lot of scientists to train, and there's a limited number of
skunks anyway. That's all time I could spend breeding
more baldies or loading more magazines. The game starts incentivizing me to
not even worry about the inventions, and instead, turn our baldy
society into a permanent war state focused only on combat and breeding. This proves to be the most efficient
way to burn through the levels. I lost a lot of baldies and take
heavy casualties, but there's always more to take their place. The Baldy Empire will prevail! Nineteen levels later, this approach carries
me to the second world of snow and ice. It's worth mentioning this is a LONG game. It has 85 normal levels, 9 bonus
stages, and even some secret maps. This is going to be a long haul. Now for anyone who thinks they're clever suggesting I should use cheats
to speed through some of them, let me tell you something: This game has
no cheats. At least none that I'm aware of. Oh sure, every major game site
that mentions this game likes to point out the cheat where, if
you hold down F8 and click on the map you'll spawn hundreds of baldies. But guess what? THEY'RE ALL WRONG! This does absolutely nothing. Not clicking on the map or even the minimap. Not the Windows version, nor the DOS copy. And since there's so many damned
versions of this game, maybe there's one out there this
actually works on, but as far as I'm concerned,
this is all bad information. This is "Quarantine" all over again. Anyway, after going through the
dimensional portal, we're in winterland. The manual points out that, just like
real life, this game has five worlds: Green, Ice, European, Desert, and Hell. The Ice World is pretty much the
exact same thing except a different backdrop and
the hairies are wearing parkas now. We also get somber piano music which makes me wonder if the composer
had seasonal affective disorder. I'll talk about the music quick a minute. Except for the main theme, it's mostly
minimal piano music that gets old fast. In fact, the entire game only has five
tracks, four of which are piano solos. But the DOS copy
has title music, menu music, maybe some other tracks, too, I don't know. The Windows copy doesn't even have music
in the menu. I added that in earlier. But hey, on the PlayStation, I'm
not sure it has any more tracks, but the music sounds way better overall. I guess no one is to blame here
since it came later and I approve the change, but man,
I wish I got that music instead. Anyway, to me, the best part about Ice World is all the extra stuff going on
in the background. We have lollipop flower things,
an ice cream truck, a giant ice cream cone, the North Pole, a snow man, a snow woman, a snow pig, an open refrigerator-- oh, hey, that's why it's so cold:
somebody left the fridge open-- a surfacing submarine, a submerged car, and a downed spaceship. There were extras going on in
Green World also, like the Easter Island heads, Stonehenge
menhirs, and of course, the land sharks, but I feel like the game really starts
opening up with the scenery in Ice World. And besides the background, the maps
themselves start going off the deep end. This was happening a little bit in
Green World with geometric shapes, the Americas, chains... But in Ice World, they just
don't care at all, and the whole point of some of these
maps is so they can have a picture. Besides Antarctica and some shapes, we have a star belt, a worker baldy, a giant skeleton... What is this? A tribal tattoo? And who is this guy? I'm sure 500 people will recognize him
in the comments as soon as I post this but I couldn't place him. As far as the gameplay goes, Ice World
is really just more Green World with ice. So naturally we move to Europe World. I would've thought Green World was
already looking kind of European but apparently not enough. Now is a good time to mention
this is a Scottish game. So the first thing I notice in Europe
World is how there is trash everywhere. It's just littered with junk. There's minimal scenery, it's
mostly just trash. You can step on the toothpaste... And just to remind people this is Europe, the buildings are now mega-European. And instead of the hairies,
we're now just killing tourists. You might think that this will
make us the bald--I mean bad guys, but no worries. They'll kill you
if you don't. This is war. The game never
stops reminding you of that. If you give them an inch or show
compassion, they'll kill you. I'm noticing a bug where I think
the enemies invent something, then I hear relentless water splashing that
never stops if I'm on the wrong part of the map. [looping splashing sound] It's like this for the rest of the level. NEH-HEH-HEH-HEH! Europe is where the game starts to
give me some real resistance, also. Up until now, it's been a bit
modest about laying traps for me, but now, it unleashes its
invention arsenal on me. This is still not a problem
because the Baldy Army is mighty and overwhelming numbers continue
to be the answer to everything. I will say though, the cow
research can be a nice addition. You drop a cow into the lab, the scientists make him cool, then you introduce him to the enemy base. Hey, look at the cow! Hooray! A cow! Come pet the cow! BOOM! It takes out the building! This game does a surprisingly good
job of making you not feel safe. Most RTSes, you have some sense
of security inside your base with watchtowers and troops. Not here. They can lay traps for you anywhere. Take away the very ground you walk
on. There are no rules in war. Anything can happen and that's
reflected here. I can only assume this game was
a metaphor for baldness itself. Having hair is good. Everyone who has hair, this is exactly
what they feel like. Just like this. So this is what's on the line
when you go bald. I have a stake in this game
since I currently have hair, but is it going to stay that
way? I don't know...! My father has a full head of
hair, as did his father. But wait a minute. I have an
uncle on my mother's side who's not exactly with a full head of hair. This man used to have an afro! And HIS father was... uh-oh. Now some people can look good
bald, but others, it's a curse. It can look like transforming
into a different person. So if the baldies win, what's
the best option? Well, I don't think I'll go the skullet
route and just act like it's not happening. That look doesn't always have
the greatest association. Unless you're a professional
wrestler, then you can do anything. Now, I know what you're
thinking. You're thinking, "Well, what about Benjamin Franklin? "He had long hair, was going
bald, and everybody likes him." Well, that's true,
but that was BEN FRANKLIN! Not only was he a complete renaissance man, but he spent the American
Revolution in France going to parties and
getting laid every night and he's hailed as a national hero. He had so much game, he could've
worn a mop on his head and it probably wouldn't have
made much of a difference. Now I've thought about this, and
looking again to history, I think Lenin might be a better
model for some. Regardless of your thoughts on
socialist philosophy and communism, I think we can all agree he was
on to something for how to look classy when
you're losing your hair. Okay, this photo looks kind of bad, but
that was before he finalized things. Back to the game, there's not much
to Europe World besides trash. Though we do get a parking meter,
stop light, and crashed missile. Next up is Desert World and it's basically a cross between
ancient Egypt and a theme park. We have baldy Tutankhamen ruins, a baldy Sphinx, lost luggage, a downed airliner, and wire spools. The AI is definitely more
aggressive by this point, but I'm able to keep up, until THIS level. Wow. This level. I have to say, I don't get
humbled by a game every day, but this one sure did it to me. This level is a giant middle
finger to the player. You spawn with the enemy RIGHT NEXT TO YOU which could still be manageable, but
just to give you an extra challenge, the enemy has a slight population advantage alongside a tier-5 breeding facility
AND a research lab ready to go! You are so screwed on this map. I tried everything I could think of: a military rush, even though I
don't have ammo; multiple buildings and focusing on military; multiple buildings and focusing on research; spreading my buildings out; trying to condense everything
into one giant building... I'm not even going to cover every other
tactic I tried because it's a long list. I get weakened, countered, and just
outdone at every turn on this map. If I could build on the edges
here, I MIGHT have a chance. That wouldn't protect me from
their inventions, but it would stop every random Egyptian from wandering into my buildings
and killing my people, which might give me just enough of an
opening to get some sort of foothold! Nope! Not an option! You are BOMBARDED on this map! In addition to the frequent invasions, they WON'T STOP with the traps
right outside your door. I honestly thought this level
was impossible for a while. It's easily one of the hardest
RTS levels I've ever played. I probably lost some of my own
hair trying to beat it. I kept going through this
pattern where I would give up, then come back later and try one
or two different strategies. Well... one of them finally worked. You'll have to forgive me if I
don't reveal it, since I thought it would be better
to keep the challenge preserved for anyone who wants to try this
summit of a map. But here's my proof. As usual, I gun down every last man
which earns me a passage into Hell. Well, they don't seem to be kidding. Hell looks very Hell-like. The entire surface seems to be
made out of skin, with teeth, pimples, cuts,
piercings, and ears to go with it. Doesn't seem to bother the sheep any. We also have hell mushrooms, eyeballs, and the Ridge of Souls. Our enemies are now bearded devils, which feels a little more justified than
the tourists and Egyptians from earlier. And what else is there to say? Hell is Hell. The AI holds back absolutely nothing. It's an onslaught of mines and blood
rain trying to grind us into the ground. Also by now, I have a conspiracy
theory developing that maybe somebody else can pursue further. Okay, so we have our usual pictures
in the maps going on in each world, but then we'll have ones that look like
they could be part of a larger pattern, like a jigsaw puzzle. In fact, this one literally is a
jigsaw puzzle pattern. I have to wonder if there's a secret
picture hidden in all these maps when rearranged that show us the
map to Baldy Atlantis or something. If anyone has time to kill, feel
free to analyze this. You can see all the map
overviews in the DOS version without having to play through them first. But let's cut to the chase. The
final level: The Brain. This map is a boiling point of
everything you've already faced in Hell. You have three factions of
devils, a limited building space, and relentless sabotage from
enemy inventions. You're under attack so frequently, it feels like trying to build
sandcastles on the shoreline with the waves crashing in every few seconds and heavily eroding what you've made. Although I'll say this already
feels more beatable than that abomination from Desert World. And it is. After a few failed tactics, I finally get
a foothold and overrun Hell with baldness. Satan's going to need a toupee
after I'm done here. Now do we get an ending? Well, the menu was so barebones
for the Windows copy, and we already missed out on the
cool claymation intro, I'm honestly expecting this game to just
give me a generic level completed screen, then spit me back to the main menu. And... No, we actually get a little more. We get a CGI cutscene. I don't know if it's a bug on my
end, but there's no sound at all. We see them walk out of some of the houses
and... that's it. The title of the game. This is more like a demo teaser video
than anything resembling an ending, but I admit. It is, indeed, something. Now I can only imagine the Jaguar copy
has a claymation parade in the streets, fireworks, the entire baldy kingdom
being shown off... but who knows? I can't even imagine trying to beat the
game on a gamepad. Especially that one. Anyway, as far as I now, this video is the first documentation
of any ending to this game. I couldn't find one anywhere else. But wait! This game has secret levels! Well, according to the Internet, you unlock
them by starting on level 4 or later, then dropping a sheep into the ocean, then slowing the game down so you can
grab ten dolphins into your research lab. Then complete the level. Well, I do that and, what, is that
like that cheat code that doesn't work? No! This information is correct! We get a level with
the developer logo on it. It's pretty straightforward. I
beat that and... Huh. The next level is still
locked off to me. What do I need to do? Do I need to do the
same thing on level 4 of the next world? Okay, I try that and... no, same thing. I have no idea how to play this level
and I'm not sure anyone else does either. This game has secrets within secrets. Okay, awards time! This game earned them. First award: best exploding cows. These are the best exploding
cows I've seen in a video game. Not only do they kill everyone
in the vicinity, but they take out entire buildings and even
crater the earth down to the groundwater. I don't think these cows have
been topped since. Next award: old school PC gaming. Now you might think this award
would apply to all kinds of games, but while I was playing this, I
couldn't help but think this checks off every stereotype I
could think of about old PC games. You need a manual; the game has heart; there's a HELL of a lot of gameplay; it's hard as nails; and it has a weak ending. When I think of classic PC gaming, this is exactly the sort of
thing that comes to mind. And finally: baldness supreme. If anything, this game has given me
new respect for male-pattern baldness, because now I feel like I can
see what people are up against. The baldies are relentless and
utterly indomitable. They are absolutely more than meets the eye. You really come to appreciate the power
behind them while playing this game. Even with the absolute worst the
hairies can throw at me, they still could not be stopped. Even Hell couldn't stop them. If there's any lesson to be
learned from this game, it's that you shouldn't feel bad
if you go bald, because with opposition like
THIS, you never even had a chance. [music] Okay, you go there. You go there, too. You-- [buzz]
Oh, shit! Uh. Uh...
Whoa, I didn't imagine this game when I was 6? It really exists?
Can people send ideas of games for Ross to try? Because I honestly want
to see another human being suffer throughsomeone else to acknowledge the existence of Claw.What's up with Reddit? Where did all the comments go? I've seen a bunch of threads with hundreds of upvotes and 0 comments.
Edit: seems that the original thread was removed
I've been trying to get this game to work again for a while now. Totally going to have to try again; it's such a good game :)
I always knew there was some really odd DOS games out there but this one is pretty out there.
Really cool find none the less. I'd probably give this one a go just to see if the difficulty lives up to what Ross was saying.
If I recall correctly, Baldies had a miserable development cycle. It was being sold in catalogs years before it was released. And not just vague artistic images, but full screenshots and reviews were available.
This may or may not have something to do with the bizarre differences in ports.