how the [ __ ] did I get here like I've been in these movies that break box office records I'm a published author who's written an autobiography addiction Memoir a skateboarder who's toured the world was endorsed by Gatorade how the [ __ ] am I here it's estimated that 20 million Americans struggle with substance use disorder and I used to count myself among those 20 million Americans as an individual who struggles with substance use disorder my journey took me to multiple treatment centers several different prisons and a lot of runin with the criminal justice system and not until I found recovery at age 20 did I realize my true purpose my purpose in life has been to help people find recovery my name is Chris dresbach welcome to repurposed [Music] [Music] perfect so well that cloud left so let's start let's start out know this is about recovery but let's start with the the early days let's start with some skateboarding talk let's talk about your skateboarding career maybe how that led into some things let's go with that the majority of the things that we'll get into today are not things that I I knew or understood at the time meaning past tense right like my life as life in general is all in retrospect and and lived forward and learned backwards so oddly enough the gift that I was blessed with because I believe that we're all blessed with these gifts um and mine happened to be skateboarding and and uh and I had the blessing of finding it because you could be the best ping pong player in the world but God may not see fit to put a paddle in your hand whatever that I understand the word God can be very discouraging so I don't want to get hung up on this he's this religious [ __ ] god it's not me I'm I'm insanely spiritual and it's just a power greater than myself and and what I know is it's not me but my God saw fit to place a skateboard in my hand at the age of seven and that night when my mother put me to bed she said Brandon what would you like me to do with this skateboard and I I said I want it in bed with me she said why and I said because if I die I want it to go with me right like at the moment that board touched my hand I knew I was going to be a skateboarder for the rest of my life and fast forward to today I literally attribute everything that I've accomplished in life to skateboarding um and skateboarding was the one common theme that consistently stayed in my life throughout this rather sporadic sometimes traumatic life that I lived as a direct result of my addiction and as a skateboarder I I refused to accept failure you know no is not an option skateboarding weeds out the quitters and I'm used to failing until I ultimately succeed one day and that's basically my life today is is is process of elimination but backwards like everything I tried that didn't work led to the the last thing I tried which was the first thing that worked was what I never wanted to do right because as a skateboarder I'm I'm defiant by Nature I I I [ __ ] hate Authority and and I refused to conform right I mean as a skateboarder as a kid you you've now given me this board and and I basically destroy property for a living um as a child growing up so the the odds were against me to to to being you know what what some might call today uh an asset to society but oddly enough because of skateboarding and and it allowing me to make it through some some times that I didn't see a a way out of as life in general full circle has allowed me to become an asset to society the way I see things the whole world is intertwined you know so skateboarding was where you had your first real entry into the world your real entry into your passions and the things that you loved and that could have gone any number of ways so like let's talk about when you first signed with forgive me I'm not well uh into the skateboarding world but when you first signed with that tour thing being from Baltimore growing up in Baltimore and receiving that first board I I there when the moment I got that board there was no reason for like a plan B a trait or an option I knew that I was going to skateboard for the rest of my life and and make a career out of it and that came by way of uh another Pro Skater out of Baltimore by the name of Bucky lask who rode for pal and you know was he's a household name and he took me on and he was my mentor and um I I emulated him I I wanted to be him I wanted to act like him dress like him and and he was the guy that got me into you know the the professional side of that world the the endorsements the sponsorships and he got me connected with pal peral who later I I was signed with rode for and and and did very well with and and achieved everything that I wanted and believed was possible at a younger age you know and I I some of the best memories of my life were traveling with these older guys touring the world with these professional skateboarders that otherwise were close to like a figment of my imagination living vicariously through them by picking up a Escape magazine or watching a video so when you started traveling with them what again forgive me I don't know your exact time points or time frames but when would you say you started to slide into alcohol drugs etc etc you want to talk a little bit about that yeah I mean it it the juon position was literally in the blink of an eye uh with with my skateboarding career into my alcoholism and addiction from seven to 16 I ate it I breathed it I slept it I dreamt it I I became it I I had achieved everything I wanted at a really young age and I had a very promising future and career in the world of skateboarding you know i' i' go with Bucky to stay at Tony Hawk's house for like weeks on end and tour with all these professional skaters being sponsored by pal and having video parts and pictures of mags and and at a young age and then you know I believe that my alcoholism and addiction came by way of me being genetically predisposed right my father was an addict his father was an addict I have a brother and a sister by which uh a different man produced them and and and they as well as my mother could take or leave a drink or a drug could care less my father his father myself I'm more kind of cut from the cloth of if you buy an eightball of coke why the [ __ ] wouldn't you finish it that night why would you put it away if you order a bottle of wine why are you leaving before it's finished like it aggravates and angers me and that's what sets us apart um and it it it just happens so fast but it was a progression that was taking place because at that young age achieving do we need to stop for that yeah cool I didn't want to interrupt you no it's cool I get it okay yeah [Music] you know at that young age um having achieved all my childhood dreams with that came a lot of responsibilities I had to produce video Parts I had to be present and on my aame for tours that consisted of us going from City to city state to state doing demos at each skate shop and all while keeping up with the the best of the best at a really young age so although it was my dream and and and everything I'd ever hoped for once I received it it was a job for lack of better words and it required all of me there was no like you get you know Monday through Friday from 9:00 to 5:00 and then you clock out and take a break it was 24/7 and the progression with alcoholism kind of kicked in you know my my father a little backstory the why of the product if you will it's my mother is an amazing woman she raised three kids on her own recently retired uh as a nuclear physicist on the board of Mercy Hospital in Baltimore City my brother is an attorney in the White House who practices pensions and benefits my father never held a job a day in his life he taught me if and when I go to prison how to conduct myself and he ran with the Hell's Angels he was a rather unsavory kind of fellow if you will he was around just enough to let us know he wasn't around and he uh ultimately CC came to his addiction and and acquired The Taste and likeing of crack cocaine and his body shut down and he's no longer with us so my mother would take me to work with her because God forbid they left me with my father cuz his behavior was rather sporadic and erratic to say the least and you never knew what the outcome was going to be depending on the intake of of or consumption of his narcotic that day and uh so she would take me to the hospital hospital and and I I kind of was raised in a hospital I would just kind of go from floor to floor and I would skate in the parking garage all day although I couldn't stand my father and and I and I made it a point to to excel at everything I did in my life to allow everyone to see that I would never become that man or that bum because oddly enough from a very young age I lived with that after school special or that cautionary tale of of of what a drink or a drug can do to you and more so what I never wanted to become so ignorance wasn't even Bliss right like I knew it and I saw it because my father Jerome was the nicest guy in the world but when he didn't come home for dinner at 6 because he was a great cook and when he didn't come home for dinner and we heard the bikes pulling the driveway at 3:00 3:30 in the morning we shook like leaves because we we we didn't know who was walking through that door but we did know whoever walked through the door was not going to to be a good version so although I I really wanted to just excel at everything to never have to allow someone to endure that kind of behavior oddly enough what I didn't know then that I know now is I didn't stand a chance I was kind of absorbing it unbeknownst to me and then the moment like he sold a lot of drugs and and I would go into his leather jacket that he used to hang in this closet and I remember like inside of the the pocket I would pull out some herb and and I would go to the sink and I would pull out the uh the stopper the like the thing to to put so the seeds don't come through the yeah the I know what you're talking about you know I'm showing the blank they like a screen a screen yes yeah yeah there we go like a screen and i' put it in the pipe and make a makeshift screen and and smoke so the progression start Ed to take place and then with that the drinking and and then uh you know a little bit of blow and then some Xanax and then oddly enough I started to sell a lot of herb because now this new outlet that I had found prior to I was a really successful kid right like I had you know had these major indorsements traveling the world signing autographs video parts and and skateboarding magazines and so people weren't overseeing me right my I'm a 15-year-old kid and my boss per se is a team manager in Santa Barbara California and I'm living in Baltimore Maryland so me checking into my job if you will no accountability would be skating to the 7-Eleven pump the pay phone with like $5 and quarters to make a long distance called to Santa Barbara it's my team captain at pal Peralta um and tell him what tricks I'd been working on or learning so I was able to kind of drift out to see pretty far before anyone recognized that like the boat had left the dock because with this new found release that I I have it's relinquished all the responsibilities that I have to adhere to or or show up for right and it's I can finally check out from work where before I couldn't do that and uh and I didn't have to like produce these video parts and I didn't have to like go throw my body down stairs and and and ramps and and and and show up for tours and and travel from state to state in minivans you know was just this Carefree life that looking at and recognizing now the disconnection from reality that had already taken place and I hadn't even acknowledged that there was a problem let alone addressing it is so great right that disconnection from reality where the abnormal has become the normal has taken place already so much and I haven't even thought about or had any consequences to my actions yet but I can see it today and um and and and the thing that turned into like a it's the typical Story the Friday Saturday turns into the Tuesday Wednesday then to the Monday and then it's Monday to Monday and before I know it I've hooked up with a guy who's sells me 20 30 lbs of herb and I'm now in the drug business and I'm selling weed in abundance and this guy who I'm a big fan of I just like the Carefree lifestyle that he lives and seems to be pretty successful at it and drives Alexis and wears a Rolex and eats at Ruth Crisp but dresses and looks like [ __ ] and and I'm like dude this is this is doable and and he always had this little bag that he would carry in the top of a a big pen you know the the pen cap he would fold the bag over and put it in the top and then I'd always see him pull the bag out and hit it but and I was so fascinated that this guy who from the external perspective was very successful very big home in the county lots of land beautiful girlfriend lots of money extravagant trips pays for everybody but yet depends and relies on the this little [ __ ] bag and he used to pay me $500 to ride into the hood with him to cop dope and I'm like I was just a fan of him and wanted to spend time around him and and I was hoping that he unbeknownst to me I was kind of hoping that he would take me under his wing and and and and be my mentor just like Bucky did in the skateboarding world but in this drug business be careful what you ask for right because he did and and and one day I I had sold 20 lbs of herb to somebody and they were short some money and they said I have some heroin and I'm like all right knocked off a couple hundred bucks from the bill and I just put it in my sock drawer and I forgot about it until like months later I had found it and and I hit it but the progression of not only the substance intake but just that lifestyle had been taking place and I'm pretty far out to see at this point and people are recognizing a a a a a change in my behaviors and my patterns and that night I no longer motivated or have a drive to to want to skate to want to film to want to connect with my friends I've kind of isolated disconnected disassociated with anything that that's productive and uh and then one day I received that call from from pal and they said look Novak we have one of two options we could do with you we can we could put you into treatment we can help you SA save your life and you can continue to skate for pal or or you can quit the team from 7 to 16 I ate it I breathed it I slept it I jumed I became it it is all that ever mattered to me and I don't have a breath of fresh air in my lungs when I said I quit and what I again the disconnection from reality that's already taken place and I haven't even stepped foot into my first Treatment Center you know today 13 treatment centers later [ __ ] around the block a lot trying to find the sobriety that I have now talking to you um is insane it's absolutely insane and uh what I know to be true today is that anything that stood between me and it meaning a drink or a drug it it it must and will go and it was never personal it was just business so I think that's that's one of those things that folks who don't have substance use disorder I think that's one of those things that those folks will never be able to fully understand something that was the most important thing in your world for those years those nine years was skateboarding and you literally just dumped it off on the side of the road without another thought yeah because you wanted to continue or you needed to continue uh the substance that you were using yeah so let's talk a little bit about that first time that you did end up going to treatment or anything that led up to that first time going to treatment it's it's funny that so the first time I took took it upon myself to be a willing participant and enter into treatment was not when I was given that ultimatum by pal to accept the help which one would think would be the moment take it this is it save your career save your life get your [ __ ] together boy no not at all so I I I I turned down that offer you know a few months had passed I now had this this new found freedom that was unexpected I I had no no no flights to catch no tours to do no video parts to produce and and then one day my mother and my girlfriend come to me and they said Brandon we have a great idea for you and I said what's that they said we want you to go to treatment now I just turned down this opportunity from like my dream what in the [ __ ] would allow you to think I'd accept it from them the disconnection from reality is insane I thought about it for a moment I said you know what that's an amazing idea a I have the time B I'm going to report the said treatment center and I'll report back to you guys and share with you why I don't belong there why this is just an overreaction at best you just caught me at a bad time on a bad way in a bad day tomorrow is going to be different what I didn't know then that I understand now is that that tomorrow I'm going to wake up to repeat yesterday's actions and be stuck in Groundhog's Day for 22 [ __ ] years but I didn't see that coming so I'm entering into this treatment center with a closed mind and a closed heart comparing out proving a point why I don't belong focusing only on the differences not the similarities because after all you people are my father and [ __ ] you right so there's a few things that I'm up against here all of which play in my favor is to why I'm not an alcoholic and I don't belong in the facility right I can drink a drug without repercussions you just kind of got the narrative Twisted here let's let's backtrack take a breath everybody and uh and I believe that to be true and and and I I have the the the privilege of entering my first Treatment Center at the ripe young age of 17 and I'm in Baltimore City and my mother and my girlfriend they they pack these bags and as quick as they they take me to the facility they drop me off they're gone and I'm met by a very nice welcoming woman out front and she says uh are you Mr Novak and I said yes ma'am I am and she said come with me I take my bags and and she escorts me into this this cafeteria and in this cafeteria it's completely empty not a soul in sight and she leaves me in this cafeteria and there's these really like big bright interrogation style light shining down on me I'm Ill as a research monkey I'm detoxing off heroin right like things aren't looking good and out of nowhere this older black gentleman walks into the room and and and he walks directly up to me and and he said white boy what are you doing here and I said heroin he said how old are you I said said 17 he said do yourself a favor and don't turn 18 in a place like this now as quick as he came he left he nor I had no idea the significance of that simple conversation was ever going to have on my life right mind you I'm only focusing on the differences not the similarities proving a point why I don't belong this is an overreaction at best and what I could tell you about that gentleman was where the four teeth were placed in his mouth because at the time I had all mine he's black I'm white he's 70 to 73 is I'm 17 he smokes crack I successfully do heroin right he's he's homeless I live with my [ __ ] mother and my girlfriend God bless that man I'm really grateful he found the answer for which he's in search of and I mean that but what I can't tell you about that facility is my my therapist name that relapse prevention packet they're shoving down my throat the healthy and unhealthy bers are trying to instill me because if I can relate to those things that means I can relate to being one of you people and I want no part and I successfully completed that 30-day Treatment Center I did all while being in there and never building up a defense against the moment that I will be tempted upon completion of the program but I didn't turn 18 in a place like that that old man had no idea what he was talking about is what my mind told me I did not turn 18 in a place like that but but here's the hit ultimately I turned 19 20 22 23 25 26 27 29 32 34 35 37 38 in a jail or treatment center and every year I'd look back of of of whatever cell of whatever jail I happen to be in or or whatever bed of whatever Treatment Center I happened to be and and think back to that older man and say maybe if if me myself Brandon Novak would have listened to him with an open mind and open heart I I would not continuously find myself in this situation year after year you know so so all these attempts at sobriety I don't look at any of them I don't look at any of them as a failure right because all unbeknown to me these seeds were being planted along the way and then one day you know ignorant was no longer Bliss I I had to be held accountable for what I knew I could no longer stumble through this blindly and it was really easy for me to look back and recognize that the common denominator in my problems were [ __ ] me and if I just get the [ __ ] out of my way maybe I stand a chance and all I had been doing for 20 years was rearranging the furniture on the Titanic my ship sank without [ __ ] fail every time but I didn't understand it until I understood it so that was my attempt at my first facility so we've worked our way through the first treatment let's talk about some of the if you remember them not everybody does remember this stuff let's talk about some of the feelings that you felt when you were leaving did you feel like you were prepared did you feel like you were going right back into uh the same stuff that you were doing before did you want to prove everybody wrong and show them that you could live life wherever you want to go from there let's talk about that you know it's it's it's ironic actually looking back and describing the feelings that I was overcome with upon completing a 30-day program and and my alcoholism an addiction it's so complex and it's so layered and and there's so many different narratives depending upon the time of my life and who I was surrounding myself with and what my outcome that I was trying to achieve was um because sometimes it was genuine and and um you know I was really going to to do this and and I believe that I could do this but only if I did it the way that I wanted to do it and then there were other times that I it was going to work just long enough to get the parole officer to stop making me come every 30 days to give him a piss it was going to work long enough to then allow my now today ex fiance to [ __ ] leave me alone and and realize that I can drink wine like a normal human being to allow my friends bam and and the guys from Jackass to believe that maybe I could show up and and film a a day without being a complete menace to everything in everybody you know so there was like different reasons for different seasons of what my intentions were for not only going to treatment but completing them and then there were times where I didn't even complete them and I left But ultimately what I know to be true today is the reason why I got beat to [ __ ] so many times I stepped into the ring with my addiction is because I underestimated the opponent that I was up against I was never and not even close to being armed with the proper facts meaning I had no defense or or or combative measures to take when the urge became so overwhelming that like sitting on my hands didn't work calling a [ __ ] sponsor didn't work taking away any mode of transportation didn't work they talk about that word trigger triggers were when my eyelids opened you know and there were a lot of times that I did not want to get high and I understood and knew clearly what the repercussions were going to be and I remember literally crying while shooting dope crying cuz I knew that like she's going to leave me she's going to catch me the moment she walks through that door she's going to know I'm under the influence he's going to fire me I'm going to be homeless like I I literally would be crying crushing up the pills in the bathroom after I just came home from prison I just served my time my fiance who's now my ex because they like to get between me and it and they have to go she had got rid of our one place and moved us to another and and and and completely redecorated it right trying to change the geographical set to get a different outcome and I understand that while she was trying to love me and all these things that unfortunately don't really work well for an alcoholic of my my kind and and I remember although loving her so much and and and wanting everything that she was offering and believed and knew how beautiful the outcome was going to be I couldn't [ __ ] control myself and that was like the worst feeling in the world it was it was the worst and at that point I was just like a a heroin addict that wanted to kill himself on a daily basis but I just didn't want to hurt myself in the process so every day I had to like make it through to know that ultimately My Demise was not far off the most I had ever made upon completing a treatment center was 30 days completely sober and I remembered at the time my fiance she's like if you just drink wine you'll be great and I bought into so much with this rehab was telling me that they said Novak you're different at the bottom of that glass of wine is a needle every time and for some reason I believe what they told me and foolish me I got on the phone and I called my fiance who was still giving me the the the green light and approval to drink when I got home I said Apple I I can't drink when I come home and she said why and I said because I'm Different there's a there's a needle at the bottom of my wine glass every time and she said that makes complete sense and then when I went home and I wanted to drink I [ __ ] couldn't I sabotaged myself right because I bought into what those nut jobs were saying I drank their Kool-Aid right and uh and I was so regretful of that and I remember every day cuz she worked in a bar we lived in Westchester a little party town and I wanted to drink every day and I was so angry and I hated everything about everybody because I had lost the right to drink like a productive member of society when after all I don't shake when I don't have it I don't steal to get it I don't lie and manipulate to to to hide my drink you know I couldn't comprehend how one led to the other um and ultimately I just drank and I was happy again weird that does happen every time yeah it did exactly what I had always expected it to do until that's when the problem happened when it no longer worked for me that was and we'll get to that at the end but that was like one of the the game-changing moments so you want to talk a little bit about some of the jackass stuff and then the movies that you got to be in and you know give them the whole yeah so so how I I tripped and fell into the world that some people that are watching might recognize me from like Viva bam and CKY and jackass and Bam's un holy Union and was because as a kid growing up in Baltimore being a skateboarder with Bucky Lasik every weekend we would travel to Pennsylvania to the skate park called chap skates and at cheap skates I met what was going to become my best friend/ arch enemy fellow by the name of B Margera and and him and I were were exact exactly the same in every aspect we looked alike we talked alike we skated alike we dressed alike we we did the same tricks we we like the same um things to skate meaning transition mini ramps you know and um and we created this friendship and this friendship and this Bond grew and we'd become best friends and every year we'd practice for this one particular contest called the nsas and it was always held at Bricktown in New Jersey and either he would win or I would win religiously and one year I didn't show up for that contest and Bucky did and Bam went to Bucky and said yo where's Novak and Bucky said I think he's on heroin and B was so young he said what's what's that like he had never heard that word and as time progressed his career continued to excel he created the CK wise which gave birth to V the which he created the dky videos which created the birth of Viva leam which transcended into jackass and now my life as a a a guy who skated for pal sponsored traveling the world touring demos had completely like declined and and I'm now a homeless heroin addict living on the streets of Baltimore eating out of trash cans and and sleeping in shooting galleries in West Baltimore at that point skateboarding had become like um the woman that you love the most in the world and you [ __ ] up one day and you cheated on her and she caught you and she was gone never to look back again and and you can't get over that because you know how bad you [ __ ] up and you'd give everything in the world to go back and redo that that's how skateboarding had become to me at that point because of my heroin right like I recognized that I took for granted this amazing gift that provided me the most happiness I've ever felt in life and and so I avoided it at all cost I saw skaters I went the other way I I I heard skateboarding I I put [ __ ] he like any I I just so I'm homeless I'm running around Baltimore and when days were really bad there was this skate shop in Fels Point called select and I would go in there and I'd ask them for like 10 or 20 bucks but that was like when when when it was it took a lot to get me there and on this particular day you know the synchronicity I've now today been sober long enough to look back and recognize the synchronicity in life's events that have led me to this chair right here right now that proved to me how powerful my higher power is and how long he's been doing for me one day I I I was pushed to the point of no return and I had no other options to go into the skate shop and try to ask for money and i' had never done that I've done it maybe twice in my whole career being a homeless heroin addict which is you know almost probably 14 years and this day I did that and they said we're not going to give you any money Novak but bam was here yesterday and he was doing a demo with the team that he now rode for which was Toy Machine and he asked if we ever saw you and we said no we maybe see you once a year at best and that you'd come in here and ask for some money and and he left his phone number and with his phone number he also left an offer and he wanted us to tell you if if you want to get off heroin and you want to get back into skateboarding and get clean to call him and he'll help you I didn't call that day but a few days later I I went to a pay phone right and I and I put in 50 cents 50 cents a homeless heroin addict is like $1,000 and I put in 50 cents and and I dialed the number and I'm waiting to make sure a machine doesn't pick up and take my money like I'm I'm ready and um and all of a sudden someone answers and they say hey fairman's and fairman's is a skate shop in Westchester so he didn't give me his direct line but he gave me the number to a skate shop in Westchester and I said hey is is Bam there they said' who's this and I said' it's Novak and they had knew who I was and he said Novak he literally was just in here and he said he was going next door to get food hold on for a second and they went next door and they got him and he came back and he got on the phone and he's like said something where we picked up right where we left off you know he didn't make it more uncomfortable than it already was he didn't add insult to injury he didn't pour gas to the fire but in that call he said you want to come live with me do you want to come to Westchester I'll let you be on Viva bam I I'll let you live in my house I'll pay for everything the only thing I ask is that you don't do heroin and literally that night I was on a Greyhound bus from Baltimore to Westchester and I got there and he took me to fans and he got me all these clothes and he uh he took me home to his parents and he said Novak's goingon to be living here I had been living on that animalistic level for so long and and there was nothing more that I wanted in this world at that time was to feel some humanity and connection and be talked with not to or at and he was doing all that within the blink of an eye and I I hadn't felt like a human in so long that it kind of brought me back to reality and made me believe in humanity just a little bit but on the flip side of that coin I was I was devastated and I was heartbroken because I knew as as these new opportunities were being presented and and this life was about to change that it was only for a matter of time because I knew that like I couldn't stop doing heroin and I knew that I was going to burn that bridge and I'm telling you I did you know what I was talking about before no matter how much I sit on my [ __ ] hands no matter how far on a deserted island you put me like I history is destined to repeat itself and I have no say so in the [ __ ] matter because I was not armed with the facts I had no defense and yet again I'm going to destroy myself and the nice things that you're doing for me and um I did and he'd kick me out and I'd go back and fourth Baltimore Westchester Baltimore Westchester ironically enough though I I everyone was very well-versed on the fact that I was not allowed to be given heroin or pills right like I could do Coke and drink because that was socially acceptable I didn't I didn't lie to get it I didn't steal your car car to get more I didn't fall asleep in mid conversation you know I wasn't annoying and everyone else was doing it so it was cool and and understand like they didn't know and I they were trying to do the best of what they had but my body doesn't understand that it doesn't get that it can't comprehend that knowledge so everyone knew not to to enable the opioid [ __ ] behaviors with me so I made it a point to never find get or make connections in Westchester or Pennsylvania with heroin or pills because I knew that I'd burn that bridge as well and I didn't want to do that IID burnt every bridge in Baltimore IID had a taste of this like good life of everything that I yearned for I was given a chance yet again and and becoming pretty successful in the midst of it and the scales of Justice were pretty easy to weigh out I make life very difficult for myself and my addiction here and just go sick and Ill a lot of days or or I just go back to being a homeless heroin addict in Westchester when I could still be on Viva leam live in a castle a million dollar house and and like hook up with tons of chicks in Westchester and be the man and you know make money so intentionally I made it very difficult for myself to get her when I had no driver's license and people watched me very closely so I couldn't just run back to Baltimore so I occasionally I'd come up with lies to get back to there and and I'd disappear for a few days and then he'd kick me out and a lot of back and forth and then ultimately you know I had met my then fiance in Westchester I moved out of bams kind of created my own unit in my own house and it was a little harder for me to get kicked out of um I tried to stay clean same thing with bam with her like I really wanted to keep it I saw like the promise in it and and and had yearned for that you know sense of togetherness because after after all the opposite of addiction is connection and and while consumed in my active alcoholism an addiction there was no connection I was just isolated and disconnected but unfortunately my disease doesn't give a [ __ ] about that and if you tell me you love me I equate that to 10 bucks now I [ __ ] got you and I don't want to do it I don't I don't I don't so I'd make it very difficult on myself to score I would never come into Philly or kington again I I I I didn't want to like end up selling one of his Lamborghinis to a corner boy which like I would really do you know and like that's like realistically a thing that would happen so not sure how you come back from that one sound like a Lamborghini to a corner guy you you would but somehow in that world it you know it actually might do good and i' I'd get like crazy ratings from that it would turn into some CR like storyline or you know what I mean like true crazy yeah in that world of Viva abam and jackass it's the role that I played which was myself which was a drug addict is is a junkie dream right the more outlandish my behaviors were the [Music] more insane my Antics became the higher the ratings were the more in demand I was the more money I made that's like an alcoholic or an adct dream that is that is right paired with the fact that I have this delusional alcoholic brain already that lies to me in my own voice that makes me believe the unbelievable paired with the fact that I justify and minimize the severity of the disease that I've already agreed with the diagnosis of I don't stand a [ __ ] chance and I don't see that at the time so how close again timeline me here how close are we to what today Inc was the last spot you want to how close are we to that well there was awise in in the in the in term of all these um of all these achievements and Peaks and valleys if you will I'm in and out of treatment I'm in and out of treatment and and I would come in and I would like loiter with the intent to recover I would go into these facilities and they'd say okay Mr Novak we're going to need you to to get a sponsor no problem we're going to need you to go ahead and get one of those home groups you got it I'm going to need you to also like you know create a fellowship of like-minded people such as yourself who are trying to achieve the same thing as you which is another day sober you [ __ ] got I mean everything that that this therapist is suggesting that I do which by the way I'm convinced that she wants to [ __ ] me right so so everything that she a is telling me to do I'm going to do because she wants to [ __ ] me and I will [ __ ] her because I'm going to make her know that I'm like the model client and B everything she's saying that I should do is is like a Monday morning for me right go to these meetings hang out with these people get a guy to show you the way like I wasn't the kid that would walk in class 20 minutes late and fear that you're staring at me I was the kid that would walk in class 20 minutes late 20 minutes late believing you've been waiting for me so everything they're suggesting I do is like [ __ ] bring it on man and without fail every time they'd say but we're also going to need you to to go ahead and experience those 12 steps and I'd say I'm beginning to sense a [ __ ] theme of overreaction here and for the life of me I can't understand how I've now found myself Christmas Eve in West Baltimore in a shooting gallery and all I have on is is a white 3x t-shirt a pair of big baggy jeans and these Timberland boots and I I'm huddled into a corner it's like 38° out and and and I have to put my arms into my shirt my shirt over my knees and my head into my shirt and through my nose in my mouth because it's the only thing I can do to produce heat how the [ __ ] did I get here like I've been in these movies that break box office records I'm a published author who's written an autobiography addiction Memoir I'm I'm a skateboarder who's toured the world I was endorsed by Gatorade how the [ __ ] am I here But ultimately what took place is the pain became great enough several things took place the pain became great enough I continued to grow older meaning maturity was setting in I continued to attempt to get sober meaning these seeds were being planted unbeknownst to me and most importantly the drug and the alcohol stopped working so no matter how much coke and dope like no matter how much of a speedball I shot that delusional effect no longer appeared which used to allow me to escape the reality that I had created for myself so now standing on the corner of Eastern Avenue and Patterson Park Waiting for men to to blow me for money is not only like doable it's it's almost kind of like desirable right it allows me to escape this reality now it's just par for the course makes anything enjoyable almost but now no matter how much dope I shoot no matter how many pills I eat lines I sniff that delusional effect is no longer appearing which means I can no longer escape this miserable reality and existence I Brandon Novak had created for myself now by by force I'm I'm being forced to accept responsibility for my AC that Moment of clarity takes place no matter how [ __ ] high I get I can't escape this miserable existence I [ __ ] created for myself what the [ __ ] do you do then I've come way too [ __ ] far to turn back I've given it my career I've given it my loved ones I've given it my home I've I've given it my sexuality when it it ask I [ __ ] give and now you [ __ ] [ __ ] are going to stop showing up and doing for me what you always done that's gotten me way past the point of no [ __ ] return [ __ ] you what do you do well what I did was at that moment finally admitted complete defeat I admitted complete defeat and at that moment when I admitted complete defeat all I secured the ultimate Victory and I had no no idea I had no idea that pain had given me the motivation to finally become open-minded just long enough to look at my part that I've played to create this outcome and say maybe you know what you know what I do know is that I don't [ __ ] know and my very best has put me here yet again so everything in in the blink of an eye that was my code of ethic the things that I lived by had to be reversed you know prior to that to fight was to live to fight was to survive to fight was to acquire another bag and now at that moment to fight is to die to fight is to lose to fight is to continue living in that un bearable life right I was never that addict or alcoholic that was scared of death right they were you know but what if you died if I died I'd be like better off and at peace as a matter of fact at the end my mother would pray for my death because she believed that at least finally she could get the news that I was safe once and for all like no [ __ ] she she at the end was praying to God to either cure me or kill me because she could no longer take it anymore and uh and I was okay with with that because if I died then like finally the people that I I've talked about it the people that I loved and didn't want to hurt no longer have to to be hurt by my actions and finally know the love that I really had for them um what a miserable existence what a miserable existence I'm going to ask you a question and I don't want you to punch me over it you're at least three arm lengths away from me right now so I'm not that worried that you're going to punch me but I did about 48 seconds of research on you yesterday and I uncovered your probably your greatest accomplishment in my opinion uh was being on world's dumbest criminals yeah like I literally am a huge fan of world's dumbest criminals because I am a dumb criminal and I'm really bad at it but can you talk to us about what led you to world's St as criminals please yeah this story in its entirety is like a whole other segment literally you could literally do a series on it because a series of events took place to end me up in that situation that I'll get into in a second that's you'd think is a lie I'm living in Baltimore I have this this girl friend that I love and she let lets me live with her and you know kind of allows me to to remain somewhat normal and have a home a roof over my head a shower to get into a refrigerator to eat from and a car to drive occasionally and um unfortunately as it always does my addiction is getting the better half she can no longer deal with it rightfully so and she's one foot out the door and I could see this and it's it's heartbreaking but it's not personal it's just business she has a best friend a fellow by the name of Daman and I can talk about this because Damen signed off on the story so she kicks me out of the house she's now taken to living with Damen as a new boyfriend I'm the the heartbroken disgruntled ex who poor me why would she leave me and and I'd leave me too so but I used to live there and I knew how to get into that house very easily so I would break in you know every other day and I'd steal 10 20 50 bucks here and there and one day I break into this house and and I can't find any money I can't find any money but on the way out I I see like one of those round plastic cylinders that expensive bottles of liquor come in and it's next it's on the window sill and I decide I'm like i' had never seen it before and I open it up and it's it's $10,000 and and each ,000 wrap has a $2 bill around it so I I empty the the cylinder and I I lace it on the soles of my shoes and I sneak back out uh of this house in the back down the fire escape and I'm gone and I spend the next three weeks in Perkins projects right next to Little Italy and and I shoot as much dope and Coke as I can humanly [ __ ] consume in my body the moment that I run out of that money I'm kicked out of the house of the people I was staying with and now I'm only three blocks away from where I stole the 10,000 so rumors getting out of all these different people that stole it and I'm hearing about it finally it lands on me which I knew that it would because I'm a heroin addict and I live there and just it's a predictable accusation so I get thrown out of the house I walk up to that very same 7-Eleven with the pay phone that I called Ben from it's all in that area and I I I call my ex right cuz I'm heartbroken and I want her to love me and take me back and let's do this again and and while I'm talking to her he's with her and they know the number and they get in the car and they pull up and Damien proceeds to beat the ever loving [ __ ] out of me and he said he said you you might want to leave because there's some people that are looking for you and you're not going to like what happens and come to find out he had paid $115,000 to put a hit out on me he was a very serious guy he also called the police and said that I had broke into his house and stole his money so now I have a a grand theft warrant out for me I have a felony b& warrant out for me I have all these warrants there's a hit out on me and I have a very good friend of mine who buys me a one-way bus ticket to Gunnison crust Colorado that's a six- day Greyhound bus ride I have no money I'm detoxing from heroin jumping from bus to bus I'm stealing from each stop food and finally I get there and I'm coming off all this heroin I get a job at this little like restaurant at the bottom of a ski town and the restaurant it's called the last Steep and I'm washing dishes and and there's tons of Coke in this town but there's no downers it's like a party ski town and I just want heroin or some form of a opioid and one day somebody comes in with Xanax and I buy the whole script and I eat like 10 of them right out of the gate and this is a little ski town with one road up the mountain and one road down the mountain there's one gas station in town with apartments above it and and I'm at the The Hitching Post trying to get a ride up to where I'm living and I'm freezing cold and I just got off the shift and I ate all these Xanax and I'm feeling good and I look at the gas station and I I don't remember this but the incident report says this is what I did the statement I I went over to the gas station I picked a brick up and I threw it through the window and I throw the brick through the window I go in now the alarm's going off I steal cigarettes money and Mentos I don't even eat Mentos but I line my pockets with Mentos and now I leave the gas station the alarms going off I remember people above standing on the railing looking over at me from the apartments and I walk back to the Hitching Post and I attempt to Hitch and I think to myself and I'm listening to the alarm go off I'm like the damage is already done I might as well go back and steal more [ __ ] so I go back in to steal more stuff and that's where I black out again next thing I'm being shooken by some police and they said did you breaking to this gas station son and I said officer I don't know what you're talking about but I've been in my bed sleeping all night and they're like you [ __ ] idiot you're covered in glass in the gas station and I come to and lo and behold I wake up in a padded room because they couldn't do my intake because I didn't even know my name because I was so high on Xanax and I get six months out of that and I'm doing my time and about three months into the bid you know it we're pretty close to Mexico so there's a lot of like Mexicans running around and and people that don't speak English and no one that I really know no one that I know at all in that jail and one day they all start calling me dumb [ __ ] there's that stupid uh white boy that you know and I'm like why is everyone calling me dumb and lo and behold the footage of me falling asleep in the gas gas station made it to the world's dumbest criminals and they had played it in the jail so as time goes on I finish that bid Baltimore did not want to extradite me on those felony warrants it cost too much I get out of jail I go back to Denver to kofax I cop some heroin decide I'm flying back to Baltimore get back to BWI Airport not out at the airport a police officer comes up and I give him my ID and he said a are you under the influence of anything I said no he searches me he finds some heroin on me finds some vials of dope on me and then says oh you also have these warrants for the b& the grand thefts so the thing I literally escaped from I'm now I haven't even made it out of the airport and I'm now being taken to Central Booking I get the central booking get process T I refused to pay Damen back his money because I've been around the court system a lot it's my word against his there's no footage of me stealing the money of course my fingerprints are in the house because I used to live there and why wouldn't he blame me I'm a heroin addict main only makes sense I'd blame me too the prosecutor's trying to give me these plea deals all this probation jail time and I'm like I'm not taking anything no I go out we fight it the judge gets annoyed by the case and says case dismissed you guys come to a resolution on your own cuz it's hearsay my word against [Music] yours Damien continues to catch me two or three more times and and really he splits my head open once staple you know really bad but then I get sober and now I have this conscience he lives in Little Italy where my mother still resides today I'm tired of going there looking over my shoulder I don't want any harm to come to my mother and now I've started experiencing those steps everything I thought was an overreaction and about two years into my sobriety I called Daman I said Daman I'm in this program I'm a sober guy and I work these steps and I'd like to sit down and talk with you if it's okay now this man has paid to have me killed he said okay meet me in this park and this is like a deserted desolate Park my mind was like the Starbucks downtown and I'm terrified I call my sponsor and I said he wants to meet me in a park this man literally paid to have me killed my sponsor said well you've experienced the third step right I said yeah he said well here you go God is everything or is nothing good luck I said all right and I went to the park and I went with $1,000 and I said hey Damian I said uh I want you to understand that that you know I made the amends I I apologized for what I did I told him I needed to make my wrongs right it was not acceptable did I leave anything out and I want to repay you and he said I don't want your money he said what you don't know is that I've turned into an alcoholic and I've lost everything in my life including my business and as a matter of fact I just got out of treatment two days ago and I was going to drink today and you called me right before I drank and I took that as a sign from God or whatever and he didn't drink since then I've repaid him the $10,000 and he's still sober over 6 years and we've become really good friends you know so the the the full circle stories that continue to to they don't Amaze or baffle me anymore but I think the general public would be like that's insane and there's no way it can be true let me give you a test are you Amazed by that story yes these stories are all [ __ ] awesome that's our test right there you know dude sobriety is and it's just dawned on me keep saying it will be like the proudest accomplishment of my life but what we're about to go see which is my treatment center that I'm going to be opening soon is going to be the proudest moment of my life everything Builds on everything else in recovery it's kind of like I like to talk about a a ball of spiritual momentum rolling down the hill yeah and it's almost like as long as you don't get in the way of that ball the world is is your oyster literally you know and and that is literally a perfect explanation of that so thank thank you that was great yeah man uh Andy is there anything from your weird normal person perspective that you'd like to ask him uh no this has been great this has been fantastic since I can't relate to you in any way fa form you know people often ask what was it what was it about the 13th Treatment Center why why not 12 11 10 9 8 7 six 5 4 3 2 1 and the reality is is they didn't teach or share with me anything different in 13 that they didn't in the other 12 but a series of events a series of events had taken place where For the First Time of My Life the pain the pain had far surpassed unmanageable unmanageable is a Monday morning for me May 25th 2015 for the first time in my life the pain became unfuckingbelievable and it wasn't a question if was it because of my addiction like of course it was I couldn't even fool myself anymore if I liked and I tried um but for the first time in my life I I found myself in a position that I was no longer accepting of and referring back to earlier I couldn't shoot enough heroin or cocaine to escape that reality the Moment of clarity is 24/7 and um and and I was finally willing to do what it took to get myself out of that position and and I reached out to my sponsor one of the sponsors that I acquired from one of the therapists that I believe wanted to [ __ ] me at one of the attempts of one of the treatment centers that I entered in so I say that to say I don't give a [ __ ] what what leads you to a program and why you buy into it whether it's from an ulterior motive or a reason or a season I don't give a [ __ ] just buy in and um and I called my sponsor and and and at this point in my life I was in a position where people including myself felt that it was best to Love Me From a Distance um I completely isolated myself and now the people that I want to know part of was really sober people I refused to buy what they were selling I was not drinking their Kool-Aid now are the only people that will take my phone calls and and to make matters worse they don't even give me $10 so I'm like stuck with them and you nut jobs you sober people you you leave your cookouts you leave your loved ones you leave your families and you come pick this hopeless helpless alcoholic up from BWI Airport and you allow me to stay with you you and and you take me to see my parole officer the next morning my parole officer grants me one more chance and sends me back to the same facility I have been to four previous attempts out of my 13 overall and generally the intake process would read is this I'd sit in the same chair with the same intake coordinator and she'd say okay Mr Novak you're your insurance will cover you for 90 days and every time without F my robut will be well in Theory 90 days is great but in reality I'm more of like a 45 day kind of fell May 25th 2015 I'm sitting in the same chair with the same intake coordinator and and ultimately I had just finally been demoralized in just such a fashion from drugs and alcohol beaten in that state of reasonableness that the program talks about that she gave me the same offer without fail but only this day I couldn't come back with a counter offer because if I said no it entailed an explanation and for the first time in my life and thank God I was beaten speechless by my disease of addiction like I literally all I could do was shake my head yes like I I had no more dog in this fight I was it was apparent that I I I had lost this battle and uh and she laughed and she said sweetheart you're in no condition to do your and take get up to detox and I'll see you in 4 days and and I take my belongings at at at 38 years old I I've now just walked into my 13th inpatient treatment center and everything I own in this world despite being a pretty successful individual who had did some things in life that people would equate to success happiness maybe even dream of doing what my life looks like now is I've walked into my 13th Treatment Center just came two after being on life support for 7 Days the week before at Mercy Hospital the same hospital my mother's on the board of nuclear physicist at and uh all I owned was eight scarves two jackets three socks a stick of deodorant that all fit into this bag that double was my pillow a needle a spoon and a restraining order that's all I had at 38 years old and I'm walk in and I get up to to the detox and I'm met at the door by a 22-year-old guy named Jacob Jacob is a very happy goodlucky eager Tech now what I didn't share with you is I had gotten robbed prior to going into this treatment center I was trying to cop some dope and when I got robbed they ripped my front and my Pock front and back pockets completely out and I had no underwear on so now like my dick and mask are completely exposed they ripped my shirt open and my only button this st's buttons is very tight button and and I got these shoes on with one Sho string I had lost the other one along the way and and I come strolling into treatment looking like a gay East LA cholo gang banger because I didn't have a change of clothes and my sponsor was very adamant about never getting between an alcoholic and their bottom so rightfully so and that's where I've kind of you know adopted that mentality but he looks at me and Jacob he says Mr Novak you're back and I said aren't you a [ __ ] genius he said I regret to inform you Novak but your clothes aren't rehab oriented you need some underwear you need some sweatpants you need some slides and I had heard you nut job say A Grateful addict will never use again A Grateful alcoholic will never drink again and it didn't make sense until it made sense and at that moment it made sense because now I found myself in the basement of a Catholic Charities rehab that cost me $2 to get into there's no electricity we're in the donations room I'm holding Jacob's phone with a light as he thumbs through this box this coming apart at the seams it's just wet and and he's looking for used underwear and I'm praying to God that he finds them and it made sense that that whole grateful attic will never use again and he's thumbing through the boxes he's looking for used underwear I'm praying to God that he finds me this used underwear and he doesn't find me used underwear but what he finds me is a pair of size 40 women's sweatpants with no drawring a woman's tank top and a pair of size 13 Jesus sandals I'm not a woman nor do I wear a size 13 right but two things were happening at that moment that were forever going to change the course of my life when I say that I'm an alcoholic all that means is that I'm defiant by Nature I hate Authority and I refuse to conform because I possess this job that places me in a lot of positions I don't like to be in and it allows me to feel a lot of feelings I don't like to feel in that job consist of knowing everything right so thank you Chris for suggesting to me what I should do to save my life but I'll suggest why you should [ __ ] off because I know standing in the basement 13th Treatment Center just came to on life support 22y old kid handed me women's clothes shoes that don't fit I'm grateful that he just did that I came to the real you know what I I know is that I don't [ __ ] know the second thing that took place is when he handed me the women's clothes and the shoes did not fit I was overcome with I was overcome with a sense of willingness unlike anything a human could ever produce unbeknown to me my pain turned into my purpose took the women's clothes shoes did not fit went upstairs got a shower got that Baltimore City smell off me never so grateful to put women's clothing on in my life life and I I successfully completed that facility and and I literally absorbed every bit of information they gave me as if I were a sponge man um and they you know they told me like it's much easier to stick to the basics than go back to the basics it's much easier to stay sober than get sober if you change your perception you can change your world one day you're defects can become your assets I went to a 90day program acquired a sponsor upon completion on my 90th day I was up to my eighth step I had made the list of the amends I had to make my sponsor said to me who at the time had 11 years he said you know Novak I I lived in a sober living house for a year in California after completing treatment so I went to a sober living house for a year I wasn't trying to reinvent the wheel I lived in that sober living house for a year my life became immensely better day by day by day which turned into weeks which turned into months which turned into years and in that process I've I've achieved some really amazing things um on my second you know on my eight months into my process of sobriety my mother the one that bought me a plot the one that prayed for my death the one that served me with a restraining the one that believed that it was best if I just died um she called me and she said I hate when you come to visit me and I said why and she said because I get so sad when you leave and see there was a difference this time I knew that my words held no more weight I wasn't calling home with to look at me I wasn't writing these profound letters to think to make you think that you know i' completely become a new changed reborn again man I stopped talking for once and I I let my walk do my talk and my behaviors had changed and through getting into the process and and and and now becoming armed with the facts understanding the opponent that I'm up against having having a healthy fear and respect for it I learned that it had nothing to do with the drink or the drug it was merely the the Catalyst that got me to the position where I was finally ready to do the work that was required in order for me to get myself out of this terrible position that I continuously placed myself in I started becoming accountable for my actions look at the part that I played in this process through the the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I've had this spiritual experience the defition of a spiritual experience is simply a psychic change so I today Brandon Novak no longer think how I thought walking into that 13th facility I had been on parole and probation from 18 to 38 never a free day in between it simply follow me from state to state to state to state two months shy of my 2-year anniversary I signed my release papers I'm a free man that can go anywhere with anybody anytime I like I know longer live in that self-induced prison that consists of a four block radius that cost me $10 a bag to get out of I decided I wanted to get my 2-year Medallion abroad I flew to Paris to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and got my Medallion on my third year anniversary I bought a home on my fourth year anniversary I went to Amsterdam to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting got my Medallion most people don't equate Amsterdam and sobriety but I'm a free man they can go anywhere with anybody anytime I like on my 5ifth year anniversary I bought a home and I turned it into to the exact replica of the sober living house I got sober in and I I named it Novak's house and there's 10 beds in that house I no longer am crippled or burdened with the fear or notion that I could potentially have a drink or a drug at this moment because I'm proactive in my sobriety I understand what I'm up against and I know that I suffer with a disease called alcoholism not alcoholism and I can't stay sober on yesterday's sobriety houses today I have four houses with 40 beds in it nine out of 10 of the men that come through those doors are there on a scholarship the why or should I say one of the wise behind me is that I refuse to let money be a deterrent as to why somebody can't find a safe adequate structured house to live in and remain sober at um May 25th 2022 I I celebrated 7 years of continuous sobriety and where we started this interview to where we ended this interview is is is is is quite different we're sitting in what has always been been a dream of mine a treatment center that I am opening called Redemption addiction treatment center I don't play well with others I don't like being told no and I was always told to create the environment that I seek I'm the kind of guy if I believe it I can see it I don't need to see it to believe it I knew that it was possible and I knew through having great mentor ment and advisers in my life that have taught me enough that I am capable of producing this result so I got a few crazy people that believed in my notion they got behind me they're on board with me this place that somewhat looks and shambles today will be a open running facility that will allow me to provide the help to the same way that it was given to me when I was in a position and place of need and felt so disconnected and all I wanted was to be met with with empathy and sympathy and compassion not judgment and ridicule and that's what I will do here and I'm really excited about this this is this is this is something special man that's all [Music] for wow wasn't that a great story from andon Novak one of the things that I took from that story that was most important was the number of seeds that were planted through all the treatment centers that he's been in and if you think about it none of those were failures every single one of those moved towards something that is going to be moving towards recovery and I love every single bit of that because if you look back at my past I went to four or five treatment centers and none of those were failures because they all led me to recovery so now that leads us here to Myrtle Beach South Carolina for our next episode so come join us for our interview with Spike Cohen the 2020 libertarian vice presidential candidate and also an individual in long-term recovery we can't wait to see you [Music] there he [Music] [Applause] [Music] heyy [Music] make
