Brandon Novak: The Journey to Recovery

statistic state theoretical evidence dictates that I am to be high or dead right now and the fact that I'm not as is a miraculous equaling a miracle and B it defies logic May 25th 2015 I found myself at a position in life where the pain became so [ __ ] great that for the first time in my life I was willing to do anything that was suggested in order to get myself out of the position that I Brandon Novak had continuously created for myself May 25th 2015 I found myself at a position in life where I was divinely where I was divinely inconvenienced in just such a manner that the god of my understanding showed up and created just a big enough Gap between me and the last speed ball that I stuck into my arm to allow me to have a Moment of clarity to see what my life really looked like was and at that moment on that time in that day for the first time in my life I was no longer accepting of the outcome that I continuously created for myself May 25th 2015 I was walking into my 13th inpatient treatment center I had lost count of outpatients and detoxes my mother had bought me a plot people have begun to take life insurance policies out on me May 24th 2015 the day before that I walked into that 13th inpatient treatment center I found myself coming to after being on life support for seven days at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore City the very same hospital that my mother is a nuclear physicist at on the board of so my family reunion would look like every sometimes two or three times in a month sometimes once a month sometimes once every four months my mother would get a call in her Department which was nuclear medicine and they'd say hey Pat Brandon's back hey Pat Brandon's back my mother had sold three homes the financially paid for me to go to two different treatment centers I had been Medevac to four different hospitals and four different states from four different overdoses in the beginning of my alcoholism my mother she used to get on her knees she used to get on her knees and pray to God please God do not let tonight be the night that I received that call please don't let tonight be the night that I received that call that my son had sir came to his addiction and he's no longer with us please don't let tonight be the night two at the end of my run a 38 year old homeless heroin addict who wants to kill himself on a daily basis I just don't want to [ __ ] hurt myself in the process terrible suicide because I keep waking up at a position in life where I'm so low the curve looks like a skyscraper my mother God bless her soul my mother gets on her very same knees and she prays to the very same God please God please let tonight be the night that I finally received that call please God let tonight be the night that I finally received that call that my son has finally overdosed and Sir came to his addiction just so I can know he's finally safe once and for all how the [ __ ] did I get here even saying it today still sounds like a completely foreign entity coming out of my mouth and I've repeated that a lot of times but how the [ __ ] did I get here because I don't know about any of you fine ladies and gentlemen but I had goals I had dreams I had aspirations I had Ambitions I was going to be somebody but they said reality is the disease of addiction does not discriminate from Yale or jail the Outhouse to the White House one out of three people will be affected directly or indirectly today in the nation 178 people will die as a direct result of an opioid overdose my mother's a nuclear physicist my brother is an attorney who works in the White House that practices pensions and benefits my father taught me one thing in life if and when I go to prison how to conduct myself never held a job a day in his life he ran with the Hell's Angels rather unsavory kind of fella if you will he acquired the liking of crack cocaine his body shut down he's no longer with us right so I live with that after school special I live with that cautionary tale of what an addict or an alcoholic looks like and what the drug or or or drink makes an individual do right because Jerome my father was the nicest guy in the world everybody loved Jerome but when he didn't come home to make dinner at five and we heard him and his biker buddies pulling the parking lot at like three and the keys hit the lock we shook like leaves because we we knew what we were in for so at that very moment at a very young age I understood the psychic change that takes place upon an individual once they ingest a drink or a drug as a matter of fact I made it a point to prove that I would never become that [ __ ] bum I will never become that man anything that I do in my life I will excel at just to prove that I'll never be my father and at the right young age of seven I was blessed with the ability to be given my first skateboard and that night when my mother God bless her that night when my mother put me to bed with that first skateboard she said Brandon what would you like me to do with this skateboard and I said I want it in bed with me she said why I said because if I die I want it to go with me to heaven the moment that board touched my hand I knew I was going to be a skateboarder for the rest of my life right uh I I ate it I breathed it I slept it I dreamed it at 15 I was the first gay boarder to be endorsed by Gatorade they were flying me to the Quake roads building where they made Gator at the time in Chicago and and they would strap me on this treadmill and they strapped Michael Jordan on the treadmill directly next to me and they'd strap these EKGs to our chest and and give us each Gatorade to see the different effects that it has on sports players I'm designing a prototype shape for pal Peralta I'm touring the world with the Bones Brigade Tony Hawk Steve Caballero Mike villali fellas of that nature from that very young age doing some things in life that people would accredit to success happiness potentially even dream of doing and the reason why I'm giving you the back story of how I got to this point is because I really think it's important to to paint this picture that that at no point in time in my life did I sign up or resign to the notion that at 38 years old I want to be a homeless heroin addict standing on the corner of Eastern Avenue and Patterson Park allowing men to blow me to acquire enough money to get another bag of heroin how the [ __ ] did I get here how the [ __ ] how the [ __ ] did I get there I had goals I had dreams I had intentions I had Ambitions I was going to be somebody and most importantly who I was not going to become was my [ __ ] father or a drug addict like him proving a point to everybody I never felt like I was in search of or lacking this ability to find happiness because as a matter of fact skateboarding did for me at a very young age with drugs and alcohol did for me at a later age right you give me a skateboard at the age of seven you put me in a room with the world's prettiest models I'll not only believing they've been waiting for me but that they're dying to marry me I don't know what the [ __ ] you're laughing at that's the truth but drugs and alcohol later on down the road produce that same delusional narrative that I bought into hook line and sinker so again I'm just paying this picture of the fact that like I I I wasn't born looking for this happiness and and the first time I [ __ ] put that needle in my arm I felt like aha I found the reason for which I'll jump out of bed for with the lust of life every day that's not my story and what I'm here to do today is to share with you my story I'm not going to share with you your story or or believe to understand the pain that brought you into these lovely seats at this lovely facility listening to my [ __ ] mouth for an hour that's not fair to me or you right because I'm going to bring it back and what I do know is the Wheelhouse of the people that I'm talking about if if you can relate to being an addict or an alcoholic such as myself all that means is that we're defined by Nature we hate Authority and we refuse to conform right because I don't know if you're anything like me but I possess this job that places me in a lot of positions I don't like to be in and it allows me to feel a lot of feelings I don't like to feel and that job consists of knowing everything right so so thank you Avila thank you Cherie for for kindly suggesting to me what I could potentially do to share to save my life but I'm gonna kindly suggest why you should [ __ ] off because I know May 25th 2015 walking into my 13th inpatient treatment center everything I owned in this life consisted of eight scarves two jackets three socks a stick of deodorant fit into a bag that doubles my pillow a needle a spoon and a restraining order the reality set in that you know what I do know is that I have no [ __ ] idea and my very best thing can place me in a position like this sitting in a lovely [ __ ] seat or chair like that listen to someone such as my mouth for an hour at best so if you can relate to anything that I just shared with you as being an addict or an alcoholic what my job here today to do before my people is to share with you my message in a form of Attraction rather than promotion I'm going to give it to you in such a way that I hope you find so desirable so appealing so attractive so much so that you like want to [ __ ] it if I can get you to want what I have so bad that you're willing to do anything that I've done to get what I have guess what in terms of your contract will forever change and you could be the next [ __ ] billboard for Recovery sobriety and you could be the next president of the United States and you could be the next brain surgeon of [ __ ] California and you could be the next accountant for the next [ __ ] presidency term you know the literally become anything you want but unfortunately I can't do this for you it has to become your idea and you have to want it as bad as I want to share with you so that when I'm finished my talk and I walk out this door and I get back in my car and I drive two and a half hours back to my hotel if one person in this room says to themselves if that [ __ ] can do it there's no reason why I can't it makes my day worthwhile so that's my agenda here today before you so bringing it back I don't recall the first bottle I put to my mouth the first pill that I shoved down my throat the first joint that I put to my lips the first line that I snipped up my nose I don't recall that but what I do recall as sure as the day is long like this pen is in my hand is the first time that someone attempted to stand between me and it and you're going to hear my story anybody anybody any place or anything that attempts to stand between me and a drink or a drug Mustang will [ __ ] go and it's not personal it's just business because I don't want to do the things that I have to do to acquire another bag but like I'm sorry it's business and what that looked like for me the first time someone attempted to stand between me and it was I was on a tour with a bunch of pro skaters I was in I was in um downtown Atlanta and we were doing a demo in the city at the skate shop and and Mike vilali had caught me with a lot of drugs and he said Brandon get rid of the drugs or get off the tour I throw the drugs down the sewer we finished the demo I go back to the hotel I meet a young lady at the hotel she drives me back to said sewer I fished the drugs out of the sewer short story long I get caught with the drugs I'm now kicked off the tour now see my delusional alcoholic brain that I possessed that lies to me in my own voice that makes me believe the unbelievable tells me that the skateboarding world needs me it cannot go on without me and I am an asset but the sad truth is the skateboarding world does not need me it goes on quite fine without me and I am a liability but unfortunately I'm the last person to realize that why because I possess that job to consists of knowing everything right so so packages are no longer being sent tours are no longer being scheduled flights are no longer being booked video parts are no longer being produced why because to achieve such simple things in life as those I have to have conversations that consist of words like honest reliable dependable and and I avoid that like the play because it does not help me get one more and one day I'm sleeping I'm throwing the phone by my mother and and I put the phone to my ear and it's my team captain for pal Peralta and he said Brandon we have one of two options we could do with you we could put you into treatment you can save your life you can continue to skate for pal Peralta or you can quit the team from 7 to 16 I ate it I breathed it I slept it I dreamed it I'm the first skateboarder endures by Gatorade I did a commercial Michael Jordan I'm touring the world with Tony Hawkins for the very first [ __ ] time of my life someone is attempting to stand between me and it and I don't even have a breath of fresh air in my lungs when I said I quit the disconnection from reality that's already taken place at the ripe young age of end of 16 turning to 17 is astronomical it's mind-blowing and I haven't even stepped into a facility yet now I'm enjoying my newfound Freedom this time off this unexpected leave of absence and about two months into this process my mother and my girlfriend come to me and they said Brandon we have a great idea for you I said what's that they said we want you to go to treatment why the [ __ ] would I just accept it from them if I turned it down for my team captain here in Santa Barbara at the power Warehouse the abnormal's already become the norm when I haven't even entered my first Treatment Center I said you know what that's a great idea a I have the time B I'm going to report the said treatment center and I'll report back to my mother and my girlfriend why I'm not you [ __ ] nut jobs nor will I ever be this is merely an overreaction at best you just caught me at a bad time on a bad way and a bad day tomorrow is going to be different strap me up to a polygraph I will have every police officer in the world Pat me on the back saying Mr Novak we wish everyone was as honest as you are the world would be a safer place to live in that's how much I believe that tomorrow is going to be different I'm not trying to sell you a [ __ ] dream tomorrow is for Real gonna be different but unfortunately I wake up tomorrow to repeat yesterday's actions and I'm stuck in Groundhog's Day for like 22 [ __ ] years as quick as I agree my bags are miraculously packed blink of the eye I'm in the car and I'm being dropped off at the the very first facility I have the luxury of entering it at 17 years old in Baltimore City I met outside by a very nice kind warming like intake lady and she said Son are you Mr Novak I said yes she said come with me sweetheart and I'm carrying my bag and I I get led into this this very big cafeteria but this cafeteria is completely empty not a soul in sight really bright interrogation style lights shining down on me I'm it was a research monkey I'm detoxing off heroin and out of nowhere this older black gentleman walks in and he comes directly to me and he said white boy what are you doing here I said heroin he said how old are you I said 17. he said do yourself a favor and don't turn 18 in a place like this and as quick as he came he left he nor I had no idea the significance of that simple conversation was ever going to have on my life mind you I'm comparing out proving a point why I don't belong this is just an overreaction at best focusing only on the differences not the similarities because I will not relate to being one of you people because after all you're my [ __ ] father [ __ ] you you know what I can tell you about that gentleman where the four teeth were placed in his mouth because at the time I had all mine he's black I'm white he's 70 to 75 I'm 17. he smokes crack I successfully do heroin he's homeless I live with my mother and my girlfriend God bless that man I'm so grateful he found the answer for which he's in search of you know what I can't tell you about that facility I can't tell you my therapist's name I can't tell you about the relapse prevention packets they're shoving down my throat the healthy and unhealthy boundaries of trying to instill me because if I can tell you about those things that means I can relate to being one of you people and I want no [ __ ] part but I successfully completed that 30-day Treatment Center I successfully completed it and here's the hit I didn't turn 18 in a place like that just like the old man predicted [ __ ] fool what the [ __ ] is wrong with him why would he think that he could predict my out what the who the [ __ ] does he think he is don't lose me here's the hit I turned 19 20 22 23 25 27 28 29 32 34 35 37 38 in the jlr treatment center and every year I'd sit on whatever bunk of whatever cell or whatever jail I happen to be in or whatever bed of whatever facility I happen to be in and think back to that older gentleman and say maybe if me myself Brandon Novak would have listened to him with an open mind and an open heart I would not continuously find myself in the same [ __ ] situation year after year after year after year meaning that it was fully self-induced I had now created or painted this picture for what you view me in in between all those birthdays in between all those years I'm in and out of treatment I'm in and out of treatment and I come in here and I would like I would like loiter with the intent to recover right because I would always get this therapist it was really easy on the eye and my delusional alcoholic brain would tell me that she's dying to [ __ ] me at least maybe marry me so like I am going to be the model client that excels and lets her see how great I'm doing because she needs to know that I'm a [ __ ] asset to her life so she would say to me okay Mr Novak I'm gonna need you to uh to get one of those sponsors done I'm gonna need you to um to join a home group a 12-step meeting done I'm gonna need you to to create a fellowship of like-minded individuals such as yourself who are trying to achieve the same thing which is make it through another day clean and sober got this because see what I don't think my therapist understands is I was not the kid that would show up late to class in fear that you were staring at me I was the kid that would show up 20 minutes late to class believing that you've been waiting for me so everything that she's suggesting is like a Monday morning get a sponsor hang out with people go to a place where all these people meet and just [ __ ] do you and then she'd say without fail okay Mr Novak but before you leave my office I'm gonna need you to go ahead and experience those 12 steps and without fail I'd say I'm beginning to sense a theme of over [ __ ] reaction here it's Christmas Eve 2009 I'm in a shooting gallery in West Baltimore it's like 38 degrees at best I have a short sleeve t-shirt on a a 3X white T-shirt I have a pair of sized like 40 jeans on with these Timberland boots and I'm huddled up in the corner and my my arms are in my shirt my shirt's over my knees and my heads into my shirt and I'm because that's the only thing I can do to produce heat on this [ __ ] Christmas Eve freezing cold night in a shooting gallery how the [ __ ] did I get here what I've learned in my sobriety and really my life today is it's all in retrospect today my life is live forward and learn backwards and it's very easy for me today with coming up on eight years sober to see how the [ __ ] I got here I got here because I sat there with a closed mind and a closed heart comparing out focusing only on the differences not the similarities because I'm defined by Nature I hate Authority I'll never conform and after all I possess that job that consists of knowing everything that's how I got here that's how I ended up hundred up in a shooting gallery on Christmas Eve breathing through my nose and my out because as long as it produces heat that's how I get here now in between all those years I I trip and I fall into those movies jackass and these TV shows called Viva La Bam and now see just like in that skateboarding World in this jackass world they say if we book him the flight is he even gonna make the flight let's say we book him the flight and he makes a flight what condition will he be in when he gets here let's step out on a limb let's say we book him the flight and he actually makes the flight it's the same thing that's going to happen as it did last time where we have to kick the bathroom door down at Paramount Studios and find them dead on the ground with a needle in his arm not a good look for the work world but again my delusional alcoholic brain the one that I possessed that lies to me in my own voice that makes me believe the unbelievable tells me the jackass world needs me and cannot go on without me and I am an asset and in reality it goes on quite fine without me it does not need me and I'm a liability unfortunately I'm the last person to realize that because I possess this job that consists of knowing everything this is the only time I'm going to ask for crowd participation and what I'm going to share with you is an absolute fact do not waste your or my time after I'm done this talk asking me about this who's been diagnosed as an addict or an alcoholic and accepts the diagnosis don't shoot the messenger here remember this I'm about to put you home with something you might not like me in about a minute and a half I'm innocent but if you've put your hand up such as I have and you've stayed at the urine addict or an alcoholic and you accept the diagnosis that's been given to you all that means for us that raise that hand is that we've been diagnosed with a disease that if left untreated equals Death absolute fact [ __ ] Google it look it up in any medical dictionary fact don't waste my time talking to me about that but that's just like the fluff that's not even what I'm about to like really share with you that's the scary part here's the hit it's the only fatal disease that I've ever been diagnosed with that lies to me in my own voice that makes me believe the unbelievable that tells me that I am not an addict or an alcoholic right it's not like your voice Pops in my head and says Ah Brandon you can go shoot a bag of dope like a gentleman you can drink a glass of wine like a [ __ ] normal person and I'm like [ __ ] you stranger danger it's my voice that talks to me just as me and it makes me believe the unbelievable follow me if I'm diagnosed with HIV I'm rushing to the hospital to get medication I don't want to die fatal disease if I'm diagnosed with cancer I'm rushing to the hospital to get chemo I don't want to die fatal disease diagnose me as an addict or an alcoholic I need a glass of wine or a bag of heroin to figure out what the [ __ ] wrong with you for diagnosing with said disease thank you just as fatal as the first two diseases left to my own devices I will get in my rental car I'll go to my bank and believe this or not I haven't partaken in a drink or a drug for quite some time which means I've been able to save a lot of money I'll pull out an undisclosed amount of cash from the bank I'll ride around the way I'm sure my Chiba dealer still lives in the same spot or as people and I'll cop as much as I can physically fit into my arm and the scariest thing about that is I can make those actions make complete sense to me right now right now at this very moment and if you're sitting there saying to yourself what in the [ __ ] would allow him to make such a foolish decision he's like a you know I'm a motivational speaker I'm an interventionist I own a handful of sober living houses I own a treatment center I sponsor people I have a sponsor I am like the [ __ ] epitome of recovery or sobriety at this moment and literally I will leave this get in my car and go make those moves happen and if you're asking yourself what would allow me to make a foolish decision such as that it's it's simple Brandon only attends Brandon's anonymous Brandon only sponsors Brandon and Brandon is Brandon's God and when those three things are connected it's not a matter of if but when I recreate my history I've seen me do it this is not me again trying to tell you your story or what I think your projected outcome will be if you successfully or unsuccessfully complete or or don't complete a villa like no I don't give a [ __ ] if you can relate to anything I share then maybe take heed if not I'm your number one [ __ ] cheerleader I have no skin in this game I don't but what I know for me is it was the last thing I tried that was the first thing that worked and again looking back with my eight years of sobriety and and countless hours of work it's very easy for me to see that all I've done for the better part of my life is just rearrange the furniture on the Titanic but that [ __ ] sank every goddamn time they say a hard head makes for a soft ass I promise you I like the softest ass in this room [ __ ] are you perverts laughing at [Laughter] now my paychecks are being diverted to my second ex-fiance because they fear of I received all this money that I'll surely die from Paramount and all that and now it's going to my second ex-fiance because clearly they have a pattern of attempting to disrupt my behaviors or stand between me and my drugs and they have to [ __ ] go and the last one I really believed was going to be like the one and it's really sad to say that it's not the case as a direct result of my actions because see now I've experienced the 12 steps that I've learned to be accountable and and recognize and accept the part that I played in the deal my mother's a nuclear physicist my brother's an attorney in the White House my father dies a direct result of the disease of addiction first skateboarder endorsed by Gatorade doing a commercial Michael Jordan touring the world with Tony Hawk trip and fall into these movies jackass these TV shows Viva La Bam from an external perspective I've done some things in life that people would accredited to success happiness potentially even dream of doing but the reality of what my life really looks like is this I've been in nine inpatient treatment centers I've lost count of outpatients and detoxes my mother a few years back she spent Mother's day going to buy two plots one for me and one for her on Mother's Day she sold three homes to pay for me to go to two different treatment centers I've been Medevac to four different hospitals in four different states with four different overdoses why the [ __ ] would I go to treatment center number 10. here's the hit speaking for myself and I'm going to go ahead and venture to save for you that none of us get here because we took the short bus to school quite the contrary actually we get here because we're too smart for our own [ __ ] good and then we end up in a seat just like this and I end up thinking myself right out of it because the craziest thing happens with recovery it's one of the things that works so goddamn well we stopped doing it right everything comes back in abundance the money the [ __ ] businesses the [ __ ] the the cars the this the money the property but it's all in abundance it's back everything I wanted plus some and I'm like ah now those 12-step meetings are becoming an inconvenience and I get that I'm guilty of it but why would I go to treatment center number ten what's number 10 going to tell me that that number nine eight seven six five four three two or one is missed why would I waste my time or you're a Sharia what the [ __ ] the point I have a plan I have a plan I'm going to move to Helsinki Finland I don't know why the [ __ ] you would laugh at my plan because it's sure proof I'm trying to paint a very clear Vivid picture of how disconnected from reality I really am you're the [ __ ] fool if you don't think that my plan is foolproof in my mind it's literally across the world they don't even speak my language I'm gonna go there I'm going to recreate I'm going to reaccess I'm going to reappear I'm going to reevaluate I'm going to redo life because I do not like the results that I'm receiving in Westchester Pennsylvania or Baltimore Maryland I jump on a plane from Philly I fly to Helsinki from Helsinki I'm taken to the Ritz Carlton of Helsinki because from a very young age my mother used to tell me show me who you walk with and I'll tell you who you are which transcended somewhere along the lines in one of my many attempts at one of my many facilities me believing that one of my therapists said to me social acceptability equals personal recovery which is not true but see my delusional alcoholic brain will create these false narratives as long as they justify or support my relapsed Behavior so I really believe that a therapist told me social acceptability equals personal recovery therefore as long as the the home is big enough the account is high enough the woman is pretty enough in the car is new enough I got to be doing [ __ ] well so my mother tells me at a young age show me who you walk with I'll tell you who you are then that connects to social acceptability equals personal recovery I fly to Helsinki Finland to get a new outcome and I go to the Ritz Carlton of Helsinki because what [ __ ] junkie stays at the Ritz Carlton I go to the concierge desk they take my belongings upstairs I B-Line it directly to the lobby bar I passed these businessmen in these really expensive suits having these meetings in these different languages and I I belly up to the bar and I order a glass of wine followed by a second there's four glasses to a bottle I've now graduated to a bottle I meet a gentleman at the bar he slides me a number I'm now having black tar heroin delivered to me in abundance I go into that bathroom and I'm doing what I do and I call one of my [ __ ] sponsors from one of those [ __ ] therapists that I really believed wanted to [ __ ] end or marry me and the reason why I keep going back to saying that is not to be funny it's to say I don't give a [ __ ] what you're here for I don't care what brings you here all I care about is what keeps you here whether it's a job whether it's a woman whether it's your neighbor the judge the parole whatever it is I don't give a [ __ ] what brings you here I just care about what keeps you here so I'm in the bathroom I'm doing what I do and I call one of those sponsors that I've only acquired to [ __ ] impress the therapist I believe wanted to be with me and I called Lex and I said Lex how did this happen how am I here yet again he said well if you have a second Mr Novak I'd like to share with you something but I know you're a really busy man with a really full itinerary and after all these international calls can become quite pricey I said what Lex I could see what he was doing he said I guess you skimmed over the part in the book where we discussed that that geographical change does not equate to recovery you can't shake your Shadow I put you on Findlay you shoot dope I put you in California you shoot dope your mother dies you shoot though your son's born you shoot dope you [ __ ] clinicians toss around this word triggers my trigger is where my eyelids open I'll justify one anytime Place feeling or sensation make sense to shoot a bag of dope over he said if you have another second I'd like to share with you something else but again I know you're a really busy man with a really full itinerary and these international calls are quite pricey what Lex he said I want you to do me a solid he said I want you to stop what you're doing he said I want you to take that thing out of your arm I want you to lift your head straight up and I want you to stare directly into the mirror in front of you and tell me what you see he said better yet don't say a [ __ ] word I'm going to tell you what you see right now you were staring directly into the eyes of your problem you are your problem this heroin and cocaine that you're shooting into your arm at this very moment is merely the solution to your problem and for one of the very rare handful of moments in life you're allowing somebody to stand between you and your solution and at this moment Mr day one at this moment you're feeling a stranger in your own skin trying to figure out who the [ __ ] lets you in and why and I said you know what Lex these international calls are quite pricey right my delusional alcoholic brain will create these narratives as long as they support me returning back to a drink or a drug so with that I go back to the concierge desk I have them go receive my articles from my room which I never stepped foot in I'm back at Helsinki airport I fly back to Philadelphia because clearly Helsinki is the problem my mother's a nuclear physicist my brother's an attorney in the White House my father died as direct resolver disease of addiction first skateboarder endorsed by Gatorade doing a commercial Michael Jordan touring the world with the Bones Brigade end up in these movies the break box office records TV show wildly successful on the flip side of that coin I've now been an 11 inpatient treatment centers I've lost count of outpatients and detoxes my mother has bought me a plot people have begun to take life insurance policies out on me my days are spent standing on the corner of Eastern Avenue and Patterson Park praying to God that lawyer that drives the burgundy Cadillac gets off at 5 PM as opposed to 5 30 because he pays me good money for my body [ __ ] did I get here I sat where you sit with goals dreams Ambitions and if you're sitting in your chair and you're saying God damn it I'm grateful that guy figured it out because like come on don't miss what I'm about to say do not miss what I'm about to say my story was not my story either in the beginning if you would have caught me a treatment center number one two four six eight nine ten you would not have got the same story you're hearing today with 13 under my belt I come up with another plan I really don't want to waste the time of going back to treatment center number 12 why why I decide I'm going to write a book now I have no high school diploma I got my GED in the penitentiary but I decided that I'm going to write a book I go to the Barnes and Nobles I I get a book of one of my favorite authors I look at the outline of his book his book's written in 12 chapters pen to paper I write 12 chapters I take my 12 chapters I hand them to who today is my co-author a very intelligent man with letters in front and behind his name he turns my 12 chapters into 23 chapters we acquire a literary agent through my one of my best friends that guy bam his manager gets me a literary agent my literary agent shops the manuscript around a whole lot of no's a few yeses we come to an agreement with Kensington Publishers Citadel press the book does insanely well selling hundreds of thousands of copies around the world New York Times top 10 selling author I'm now a published author who's written an autobiography addiction memoir I'm receiving mail from all over the world of people like you Ma saying I read your book I didn't want my story to get as bad as yours I have 30 days of people like you my saying I read your book I understand my daughter picks the bottle as opposed to coming to have dinner with me on the weekends it's not that I'm a bad mother it's that she suffers with a disease of alcoholism my delusional brain just interpreted that is I just wrote The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous but what I forgot to share with you is I wrote that book while heavily under the influence of of endless amounts of red wine and copious [ __ ] lines of cocaine the night my book's being released in Times Square in New York City at the Barnes and Nobles it's a it's a big well-to-do thing in the scholarly world my my family's there my litter agents there the Publishers are there all these people have come because yet again I might just be on to something but the only problem is I don't feel good that day I don't have any dope and I look to my assistant CJ and I said CJ I need you to give me a hundred dollars he said absolutely not I will not Aid and Abed you into [ __ ] up yet another chance maybe the last one you have and I said CJ do I need to remind you whose payroll you're on and he said I will not help you destroy your life yet again now see I'm at this book signing of my own autobiography addiction Memoir and I have a buddy of mine with me from Baltimore as well and he's sitting like where you're at and he doesn't feel good either and and we take a look at each other we don't say a word but we have that complete conversation that language of the heart untreated if you will and all of a sudden they wheel my books in in these boxes on this dolly and me and my buddy we stand up in uniform Precision I go over I grab two boxes of my books he grabs two box of my books we've just stolen four boxes of my own autobiography addiction Memoir books from my own book release party to take back to Baltimore to sell to get money to buy more dope how the [ __ ] did I get here we sell the books we shoot the dope he goes his way I get on the train I go back to Westchester Pennsylvania I go to my second ex-fiance's house I walk up the door and a common theme in my story is that locks stop working right and on this day the lock stopped working so I I kicked the [ __ ] door in right and when I kicked the door and I realized that she's taking everything she is taking our painting she is taking our furniture she has taken our cats she has taken our clothes and and at that moment I I fell to the ground and I found myself lying in a fetal position crying uncontrollably and at that very moment it dawned on me that this home is now a spitting image of what I have become this big empty shell of a house now consoles this big empty shell of a man lying on the floor in a fetal position crying uncontrollably and guess what the only thing I can think of at that very moment was that gentleman from that first Treatment Center that said do yourself a favor and don't turn 18 in a place like this because yet again I found myself in a position that if I just would have [ __ ] listened to him with an open mind and an open heart I would not have ended up it and with that my phone goes off and it's my mother and I doubt many of you in this room will remember but around eight years ago in Baltimore City the police killed a young black man by the name of Freddie gray and when that incident occurred in Baltimore City it turned Baltimore into the movie The Purge right they were robbing they were looting they were shooting they were stealing they were burning blocks down they brought the National Guard that came in and stood on every other corner with a machine gun and a tank and they infused the eight o'clock curfew no one was to be on the streets and my mother lives around 15 blocks from where this incident occurred and I'm lying on that floor in the fetal position and my mother called me and she's crying uncontrollable and she said Brandon I'm terrified for my life can you please come make sure they don't burn my house down my mother my mother is someone that I will do anything for no questions asked I will do any [ __ ] thing for this woman she's loved me when I didn't love myself she's fed me when I didn't feed myself she's bathed me when I didn't beat myself she's she's prayed for me when I didn't pray for myself you name it I'm [ __ ] there point to the sword and I'll jump on it in a heartbeat she's crying uncontrolling Brandon can you please come make sure they don't burn my house down in theory my plan is to get up from that floor go back to 30th Street Station in Philadelphia and catch the train right back to Baltimore and make sure she's the safest humanly possible in theory that's the plan my disease said that's real cute [ __ ] that's real cute [ __ ] let me show you what your actions are gonna [ __ ] look like you're gonna get on this train you're going to go back to Baltimore you're going to go back to this mother's house that you love so much and you're gonna walk up into her bedroom and you're physically going to remove this 78 year old woman from her bedroom you're going to take that bedroom over she's going to take the sleeping on the sofa in the living room out of fear because see I'm going to stay in her bedroom for three months I'm going to leave it once a day and I'm gonna sit in that bedroom and I'm going to chain smoke and I'm gonna shoot dope and she's going to be in fear that because I keep shooting dope while while chain smoking I fall asleep and she's in fear I'm gonna burn her house down so her next best thought is if she sleeps on the sofa directly next to the front door and I catch her house on fire because I'm falling asleep while shooting dope she could probably make it out alive every day man every day at 4 30 my eyes would open religiously I had no alarm clock I didn't have a phone that woke me up my disease knew when every morning 4 30 religiously my eyes would open and I would gently open her door and I would I would sneak down the stairs because God forbid I stepped on the wrong stair and it made a noise and it woke her up and she'd say Brandon can you make me something to eat not right [ __ ] now not right now and I get to the bottom of these stairs now we'll get on all four and I would army crawl over to the living room sofa AKA her bed and and this hand would grab her purse and this hand would grab the Bell that she's attached to her purse and I would gently slide it over to me because God forbid that bell rang and she woke up and said what are you doing don't don't [ __ ] do it Mom don't do it and every day without fail I would slip a debit card out I'd hit the corner store Bodega and I'd hit the ATM for 180 dollars and I go up the way I cop the dope and the Coke and I come back and one day I make it back to my mother's and I go to put the key in the lock and the lock doesn't work so I politely knock on the door because I love my mother I can't kick her Dorian you see the disconnection from reality that's already taking place the abnormal has become the normal I'm simply living on that animalistic level where I merely live to use and use to live have no problem making her sleep on the sofa in fear of her life because I'm gonna burn her [ __ ] house down have no problem taking 180 every day for three months straight but God forbid I kick her door down whoa so I politely knock on the door and in this particular day my hot shot attorney brother from DC drove down to her house see my mother refused to go upstairs into her bedroom because like ignorance is bliss and what mother wants to watch their son kill himself on a layaway plan one bag at a time so if she didn't walk up those stairs she didn't really have to accept how bad my reality was becoming and that that plot was probably going to be used soon on this particular day my brother drives down from DC he physically walks her up into that bedroom and that bedroom looks like a murder scene there's blood on the ceilings there's blood on the walls there's needles there's cookers there's bags there's ties if you can relate God bless you if you can't thank [ __ ] God so with that they collect my belongings I see my mother being helped to the front door crying uncontrollably my brother has everything that I own she opens the door and she looks at me and she said Brandon Brandon you can no longer stay here you have to go I will no longer love you to death and I said I knew that my words held no more weight I was sick in my own [ __ ] voice I wasn't trying to walk my way out of this all I could do was say do you hate me she said I'll never hate you sweetheart but I will no longer love you to death and with that my brother hands me my worldly belongings 15 I'm doing a commercial Michael Jordan touring the world with the Bones Brigade in those movies jackass TV shows Viva La Bam become a New York Times top 10 selling author of an autobiography addiction Memoir I've done some things in life people equate to success happiness potentially even dream of doing May 25th I'm standing on the stoop of my mother's house in Baltimore City my brother's just handed me everything that I own which consists of eight scarves two jackets three socks a stick of deodorant a needle and a spoon that fits into a bag that doubles as my pillow and with that a police officer comes around the corner and he said excuse me son are you Mr Novak I said yes he said this is for you and I open it up in this restraining order and he said I promise you boy if I catch you back on your mother's premises I will not be so kind I get here I don't know about you but I had goals I had dreams I had Ambitions I had aspiration I was going to be somebody and who I was not going to be was my [ __ ] father how did I get here I'm a 38 year old homeless heroin addict who stands on the corner letting men blow me for a living how the [ __ ] did I get here I want to kill myself so goddamn bad I'm just terrified to hurt myself in the process terrible suicide because I keep waking up and I finally found myself in a position where I'm so low the curb looks like a skyscraper with that I take my worldly belongings I'm walking up the street and my phone goes off and it's this woman on social media she said hey Novak I read your book it saved my life and I could give a [ __ ] less because I don't even want mine right now she said what do you say about an all-exclusive paid trip to Fort Lauderdale I said that's great I need some heroin some cocaine some Xanax and some wine she says no problem red flag number one my book saved her life but she's going to give me substances that take mine but what the [ __ ] ever she's paying for my airfare she's paying for the food and boarding most importantly she's paying for the drugs see what I forgot to share with you is that foreign to see my parole officer tomorrow morning at 8 30 a.m in Chester County Pennsylvania it's 6 p.m I'm sitting in a shooting gallery I have a needle hanging out of my arm I'm about to go to BWI Airport board a flight to Fort Lauderdale I'm supposed to be in his office tomorrow morning at 8 30 A.M I'm supposed to be in Pennsylvania I'm not supposed to leave the state of Pennsylvania and I'm supposed to produce a clean yarn the delusional alcoholic brain that I possess that lies to me in my own voice that makes me believe the unbelievable says don't worry get dressed accordingly hurry up and get to Fort Lauderdale meet the woman get what you need to get from her and you'll make it back in plenty of time to produce this clean yarn for him tomorrow morning at 8 30. it's physically and humanly impossible even if I have a private jet at my disposal I'll never pass this yarn for this man but I believe it so much so that I gotta get dressed accordingly because my my parole officer's name is Matt pifer and his nickname is Maxim out Matt so I kind of might give you an understanding of the fellow that I'm dealing with so I get dressed accordingly because I can't look disheveled for Matt so I put these at once point in time nice pair of dress slacks on if you overlook the cigarette hole Burns I don't wear underwear at this point because like I get [ __ ] high I don't wash them and find imaginary dressers and imaginary alleys I [ __ ] shoot dope man I put this nice button-up shirt on and these at once point in time nice pair of Brooks Brothers shoes but I lost a shoestring along the way so when I go in to cop a few bags from the boys before I board this flight to Fort Lauderdale because I don't want to get sick on the flight I I caught from the boys and and the boys see fit to rob me as opposed to serve me so they decided to rip my front and my back pockets completely out now my dick and my ass are completely exposed they ripped my shirt open the only button that stays button is this very top button and I got these shoes on one shoestring I'm now roaming the streets of West Baltimore looking like a gay East L.A cholo gangbang right I'm glad you think my [ __ ] demise is really funny So the plan doesn't go accordingly I make it to the airport because God forbid I missed this flight because I'm on a tight timeline I got to make it back to produce a clean yarn for Matt in less than 12 hours and I get to the airport and I get up to the counter and the woman takes one look at me she said Mr Novak are you under the influence of anything and I said absolutely not she said I believe that you are and you will not fly for three days not like the next flight out or tomorrow morning for Christ takes three [ __ ] days this is that full circle moment remember in the beginning of my talk where I told you I found myself in a position where I was divinely inconvenienced and the god of my understanding showed him and created just a big enough gap between me and the last speed ball that I shot to allow me to have that Moment of clarity to see what my life really looked like was and I was no longer accepting of it here's that moment I don't want to go to Fort Lauderdale it's hot it's Sandy I don't know the hustles my heart is beating like I just shot 20 kilos of cocaine I do not want to get on Fort Lauderdale I don't want to get on that plane but my disease said [ __ ] when I want to know how you feel I'll ask till then act accordingly and get on this [ __ ] flight and I'm standing there and the woman takes one look at me and she said Mr novaki will not fly for three days now see my perception of this conversation was this the woman knows who I am her kid's an addict and she blames her kids disease on me how dare her Piss On My Parade the reality is anybody dressed the way I was dressed would not be allowed to board a flight let alone walk outside the door here two things I've learned in my career I will never win an argument with a judge or a TSA airport security agent what they say goes and now see having been sober coming up on eight years finally having done the internal work that was required meaning the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous it's allowed me to have the external results that I've always desired meaning I have a very clear perspective on reality today it's very easy for me to look back and recognize the synchronicity in life's events that have led me to the right here right now that prove to me the god of my understanding has been doing so much more for me so much longer than I could ever conceive so if you're sitting in this room Mr day one if you're sitting in this room and you're waiting for the miracle to take place please allow me to be the first person to tell you it's already [ __ ] happened it's already happened if you can't see it I understand if you can welcome what I know to be true today the god of my understanding dressed up in the form of a TSA airport security agent and did for me what I could not do myself which was deny me access to that flight and I stepped out of line and I got back in the corner and I called that same sponsor that I acquired for my therapist just so you know and I said Lex I'm stranded at BWI Airport and I want to kill myself he said Nas like that's not what you're gonna do you're gonna come on a train you're going to jump on the next train you're gonna come back to Philadelphia you people I was not buying what you were selling I was not drinking your Kool-Aid you people were my father [ __ ] you you people are gonna leave your cookouts you're going to leave your family you're going to leave your loved ones Memorial Day 2015. You're gonna come pick this hopeless helpless alcoholic up such as myself you allow me to spend the night with me you take me to see your my parole officer Matt Piper in the morning that pay for Grants me one more shot he sends me back to the same facility I have been to four previous attempts over my 13 overall and and I'm sitting in the same chair with the same Encore intake coordinator without found generally what my intake process would look like is this okay Mr Novak your insurance will cover you for 90 days and my rebuttal to that was in theory 90 days is great but in reality I'm more of like a 45 day kind of fella right I have this woman to [ __ ] this job to fulfill in this state to go to and she would gently laugh at me each and every time and say sweetheart you have no idea because anything and everything that you put in front of your recovery does not or will not matter it will go Memorial Day 2015 May 25th 2015. for the first time in my life I had finally been demoralized in just such a fashion from drugs and alcohol I've been beaten into that state of reasonableness and I sat in the same chair with the same intake coordinator and she gave me the same offer without fail the only difference was on this day when she gave me that offer I could not come back with a counteroffer because if I said the word no it entailed an explanation and I swear to God for the first time in my life and thank God the disease of addiction had beaten me speechless all I could do was shake my head yes and she said sweetheart you're in no condition to do your intake get out the detox I'll see you in four days I take my eight scars my two jackets three socks stick a deodorant needle spoon restraining order my gay East L.A cholo gang banging outfit and I stroll up to the detox and I met at the front door by this 19 year old Tech he said Mr Novak you're back and I said aren't you a [ __ ] genius you don't miss a beat do you boy he said Mr Novak I regret to inform you your clothes are not rehab oriented you need some underwear you need some sweatpants you need some slides and I had heard you [ __ ] nut job caught like people say [ __ ] like a grateful addict will never use again A Grateful alcoholic will never drink again and it didn't make sense until it made sense and on this day I'm standing next to this [ __ ] 19 year old Tech who's smiling from ear to ear and he's reprimanding me on needing underwear and for the first time in my life all I could say to myself because God forbid any of you heard this let's please God let me find a pair of underwear he said it's okay Mr Novak don't worry come with me we're gonna go to the basement we're gonna go to the donations room we're gonna see if we can find you some used underwear now that laugh I'll [ __ ] relate to everything else you're [ __ ] insane but that I can relate to because I don't know where you're at mentally but I don't know if you heard my mother's a nuclear physicist my brother's an attorney in the White House first skateboarder are doing the thing with Jordan [ __ ] traveling the world with pal Peralta in these movies break box office Records New York Times selling author did some things in life people equate to success happiness potentially we dream of doing the reality is I'm a 38 year old [ __ ] alcoholic standing in the basement of my 13th inpatient treatment center next to a 19 year old Tech as he's thumbing through these boxes looking for some used underwear and I'm praying to God that he finds them how the [ __ ] did I get here I got here because I sat there with a closed mind and a closed heart comparing out focusing only on the differences not the similarities because I possess this job that consists of knowing everything and I'm defined by Nature I hate Authority and I'll never [ __ ] conform why because I know I'm praying to God he finds these underground praying to God please God please God please God he's smiling from ear to ear I am the least confrontational person you'll ever meet in your life and it comes from things I've endured as a child with my [ __ ] biker father but on this day I've never wanted to knock someone's head off so bad in my life how dare he be so happy in my presence right it had been so long since I smiled or found anything to be optimistic about that if you did it in my company I took it [ __ ] personal I'm praying to God he finds I'm praying to God he finds him and at that very moment two things had just taken place that were going to Forever change the course of my life that I was completely unaware were happening the very first thing was I went from that job that consisted of knowing everything to realizing that what I do know is I have no idea and my very best thinking places me in a basement with a 19 year old kid as he thumbs through a box looking for some used underwear and I'm praying to [ __ ] God that he finds them he's looking for the used under what he doesn't find him but what he does find is a pair of sized 40 women's sweatpants with no drawstring a woman's tank top and a pair of size 13 Jesus sandals I don't know how alert or attentive you are but I'm not a woman and I do not wear a size 13. but at that moment with this kid handed me women the clothes that did not belong to my gender or shoes that did not fit my feet I was overcome with a sense of willingness unlike anything a human has ever produced and at that moment in time I realized that I was just met by the god of my understanding the direct result of that gift of desperation my pain was becoming my purpose all unbeknownst to me I had no idea any of this [ __ ] was happening I was just trusting in the process and realizing and believing that my way no longer worked and clearly like your guys does because every time I call you're here like the [ __ ] furniture hands me the clothes the shoes I go upstairs I've never been so excited to put women's clothing on in my life to get that Baltimore City smell off me put these clothing on I successfully complete this 90-day treatment center and in this 90 day Treatment Center they taught me things like if I changed my perception I could change my world and that one day my defects the very same thing that was killing me on a layaway plan one bag one bottle one needle at a time could become my very same thing that's considered an asset the very same thing that my dear friend Sheree says hey come out to my facility and share your message of Promise hope and freedom to the gentlemen and women in my program so that maybe they can find enough power within them to make it through another day clean and sober I successfully completed that 90-day treatment center from there I went to a sober living house where I resided for one year for my nine months of sobriety my mother called me the very same woman that served me with a restraining order the very same woman that prayed for my death the very same woman that that took life insurance policies on me the very same woman that bought me a plot she called me nine months into my process of sobriety and she said Brandon I hate when you come to visit me I said why she said because I get so sad when you leave too much shy of my two year anniversary I signed my release papers see from 18 to 38 I was on Parole of probation every day it just followed me from City to State never a free day in between two months shy of my two year anniversary I signed my release papers I'm literally a free man that can go anywhere with anybody anytime I like I no longer live in that self-induced prison that consists of a four black radius that cost me ten dollars to get out of one bag at a time for my two year Medallion I decided I was going to fly to Paris to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and collect my chip for my third year anniversary I bought my first home for my fourth year anniversary I went to Amsterdam to an AAA meeting and I got my four-year Medallion most people don't equate Amsterdam and Recovery but the reality is the direct result of the 12 steps I've experienced the spiritual experience the definition of a spiritual experience is simply a psychic change meaning that I Brandon Novak today no longer think how I thought when I was sitting in this chair with two days sober I'm a free man that can go anywhere with anybody anytime I like as long as I know that I suffer with a disease called alcoholism not alcohol wasn't and I cannot stay sober on yesterday's sobriety my sobriety has a shelf life of 24 hours meaning I have to do a few simple things along the way each day to maintain my sobriety on my fifth year anniversary I listen to what you [ __ ] nut jobs told me and you would say things like in order to keep what you have you have to continuously give it away and I took heed to that because my sobriety is very precious so I promised myself that I would recreate the sober living house I got sober and stayed sober and on my fifth year anniversary I opened up one men's sober living house in Wilmington Delaware titled Novak's house one house with 10 beds today we have six houses with 65 beds May 25th 2022 I celebrated seven years of continuous sobriety I'm currently in the process of opening my own drug and alcohol treatment center that God willing will be opened by no later than next Monday what I've learned to be true is that sobriety has given me everything that drugs and alcohol ever promised me and my history does not have to dictate my future but it can most certainly guide and direct it and most importantly the disease of addiction is not a death sentence as long as you're breathing it is never too [ __ ] late I'm going to close with this story because I'm sure half of you [ __ ] junkies want to smoke I quit so I don't care not my problem [Laughter] there's a filer that works from home right there's this father that works from home and he swamped paperwork and and he's watching his child and his child keeps banging his dad on the knee dad take him out to play Take Me Out To Play Father swapped in paperwork he's trying to figure out a way to buy two or four days the father walks into his office and in his office on his desk is this big picture of a puzzle of the world map and the father thinks to himself I got it and he completely dismantles the picture of the puzzle the world map throws on the floor in hundreds of pieces he says son when you put that picture of the puzzle the world map back together I'll take you out to play father leaves that office surely thinking he just bought two four days no questions asked [ __ ] two hours later dad I did it Dad I did it dad's thinking to himself impossible he walks back into that office as sure as the day is long the picture of the puzzle of the world maps put back together father in complete disbelief said Son how did you do it son looked at dad and laughed that it was simple Dad it was so simple on the back of the picture of the puzzle of the world map was a picture of a man I put the man back together the world fell back in place together we stand divided I die my name is Brandon thank you for your time thank you [Applause]

Channel: Rehab Road Trips

Views: 175,216

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Id: l0LthEd-MZY

Length: 68min 51sec (4131 seconds)

Published: Tue May 02 2023