Video games are such a disposable medium. You could release a huge breakthrough title and in two or three years, that game will be an antiquated fucking busted up piece of shit. But when a developer goes back and remaster a beloved game they get a chance to make the game as good as you remembered it being. Of course, some of them may just be lazy attempts to exploit your nostalgia for money. Most of them, though, really do turn out to be the ultimate way to experience the game. So get your popcorn, get your licorice, get your root beer, get your fucking Stromboli, this gonna be a long video, baby. GoldenEye. "Who here would say it's one of the greatest shooters of all time?" "Everybody." GoldenEye fucking sucks. This game is just buried under a fucking avalanche of technical problems. I cannot recommend anyone play this game on the Nintendo 64. The frame rate is dogshit. The resolution is so low that you're getting killed by guys you can't even see in the distance. And somehow, you have to aim at shit with the Nintendo 64 controller. With the f - what the fuck is this? This doesn't work, it just doesn't work. In its original state, this game has been objectively obliterated by the passage of time. Now, you got two options to play GoldenEye. One of them is the perfect way to experience GoldenEye and the other one is the absolute worst way to remake a game. Let's talk about this one first. GoldenEye Reloaded. This fucking atrocity. It was marketed like a remake of GoldenEye but it's actually a shitty knockoff of Call of Duty. That has to be probably the biggest slap in the face to GoldenEye's legacy. Possible. But, there is another option. Through an emulator, you can play GoldenEye at 60 fps, in HD resolution and it's nice. But the controller still doesn't feel right for this game. Until. Now don't tell anybody I told you about this, but if you go on Google, you can find a fan-made program that allows you to play GoldenEye with a mouse and keyboard. And holy shit. GoldenEye, Perfect Dark, Timesplitters, None of these games were ever meant to be played with a controller. It handles so effortlessly with a mouse and keyboard that it's like your playing GoldenEye for the first time all over again. And it's still a damn good game. Especially the first half. You can karate chop people. You can shoot 'em with a silenced pistol. You can shoot 'em with a silenced karate chop. There's a mission where you have to acquire a copy of GoldenEye on VHS. It's stunning how just a little change like switching your controller can have such a huge impact on the playability of a game. And that's what a good remaster should attempt to do. Fix all those stupid little nagging issues that older games had. Because usually, it's just dumb little stuff that the developer overlooked. Ocarina of Time. What is this aiming? Seriously. What the fuck is this aiming? [ phone ringing ] Hello, Nintendo? What the fuck is this aiming? "The aiming?" "I would... I would not know, sir." It fuckin' sucks. It is ass. Now go play Ocarina of Time on the 3DS with the gyro-aiming. It's beautiful. It's a masterpiece - it's [ mwah ] One of my dream remasters would be Donkey Kong 64. One of the most challenging 3D platformers ever. With over 13.9 trillion bananas to collect. BUT Some sick fuck degenerate decided to color-code each and every banana to a specific character. That's where you take it too far. You see those red bananas? Donkey Kong can't get those. Sorry, fucker. You have to walk back to the barrel, switch to Diddy Kong, walk all the way back, grab the banana Oh, what's that? BLUE banana? Oh, you fucking idiot. Walk all the way back - This game is made by monkeys. A lot of the issues that this game has could be fixed simply by letting the player to switch Kongs with the d-pad. Like, you hit right. Bam. Diddy Kong. Bam. Chombo Kong. We'll never see this game remastered because the license is all split up. It would be awesome. Most remasters are just make the game prettier, make the framerate smoother... It's lazy, but sometimes the jump to HD can have a huge impact. Take Wind Waker. Eh, pretty good lookin' game. [ hooting and gasping ] Oh shit! Then you have other times where it's: [ mumbling ] Here I am playing, uh, Hitman 2. For the PS2. And, um... Oh. Oh, I think it went to HD. Skyrim Remastered. This game has huge, game breaking bugs. But instead of fixing that, they made the water look better. [ Skyrim main theme playing ] And they fucked up the sound quality. I'm - aren't there mods that make the graphics better? [ phone ringing ] "This is Heather speaking." Skyrim Remastered? Come on, Nintendo. What do you think you're pullin' here? "Dunkey?! What are you doing calling here?" Oh SHIT. Sometimes, the latest version of a game is not the best version. Such as the Fuck You Idiot: Give Us All Your Money collection. Fans are still upset about how Silent Hill 2 looks on that collection. And when you're overhauling visuals, you want to make noticable improvements without trampling over the original game's art direction. Take, uh... Conker: Live & Reloaded. This game looks great in its own right. But ask anyone: they still prefer the N64 version. Doesn't have any of that fancy fur effects. But it's much more thematically appropriate. It's more animated, it's a lot more colorful and reminiscent of Banjo-Kazooie. And that's the whole point. A parent might walk in, and see Conker, you know, walking around getting honey and think: "Oh, this is a nice game, like Banjo. This is a nice game to get for my kids." And then he gets drunk and starts pissing on some guy's balls. The best remasters take that further step and rectify gameplay issues. Donkey Kong Returns on the Wii. You have to keep shaking the dumbass controller every time you want to roll. It is the dumbest fucking idea. Play it on the the 3DS? Oh, hey, I can play this game like an actual human being now. Pikmin, on the other hand, plays so good on the Wiimote that you can never go back to a normal controller. I didn't even know about this, but they actually brought Pikmin 1 and 2 to the Wii, just so you can play with the Wiimote. Uncharted 2, go back and play the original PS3 version. It is so underwhelming because the cover system fuckin' sucks dick. Every time you come out of cover, you're aiming at nothing. So you just get shot, then you get to do it again. On harder difficulties, this game is unplayable. Pop in the PS4 version. Oh my god! Bluepoint has completely reworked the shooting and cover mechanics, unlocking a goldmine of buried potential. Crank the difficulty up to crushing, and you will experience one of the best single player shooters ever made. Every level, every shootout is different than the last. Well, guys, it's lookin' like that time again. I just wanna close this video out with a request. Let me play Mario with real analog controls. Don't screw up that Final Fantasy VII remake. And bring Red Dead Redemption to PC. BUT Most importantly Knack HD. OK, Nintendo? Knack HD. "Sir?" "This is Walgreen's."
I love videos where he is serious. Excellent point made and I agree with him.
Pod racing remake 🙏
I just want a crash team racing remaster ;(
I feel ya, dunkster. Playing the Master Chief collection was one of the most amazing and nostalgic experiences I've had in a long time.
It's a shame call of duty is forcing you to pay for their newest game to get their remake of Modern Warfare. That game was the shit, but if you want it you have to pay 80$ cause you can't get it without the newest call of duty. It's bs
Was that first song on the video from Pilotwings 64?
Completely agree with Goldeneye, adding mouse aiming improves the shooter tremendously.
If you haven't given GoldenEye: Source 5.0 a try you really should. It's free. Only includes the MP right now but it is a ton of fun.
That was lasagna, not stromboli.
wait...is there actually an onimusha hd collection?