Relationship Therapists Review 'Guardians of the Galaxy' Relationships | Vanity Fair

the interesting part about trauma is you don't really know often where you're gonna land like she's put up this massive wall and he has almost like two flexible boundaries and that can't be helpful either you have to have really just like firm but clear boundaries she defaults to strength without tenderness and he kind of defaults to tenderness without strength hi i'm zach brittle i am a couples therapist in seattle washington i'm also a certified gottman therapist and co-host of marriage therapy radio hi i'm laura heck i'm a licensed marriage and family therapist certified gottman therapist and co-host of marriage therapy radio today we are looking at peter and gamora from guardians of the galaxy so we're watching guardians of the galaxy this is all about peter who's half human half celestial he was raised by a single mother on earth until he was eight years old when he was abducted by aliens and then he was raised in outer space he grows up to be known as star-lord one of the universe's most renowned outlaws gamora is zaho baryan it's an extraterrestrial species from the planet zen wolberry and she was a child of the interplanetary warlord thanos who murdered her parents and half her species and took gamora as his own daughter that's not nice yes okay so then he raised her to be a deadly assassin and the two first meet when gamora tries to retrieve an ancient artifact known as the orb from peter my connection is making us wait it's just a negotiation tactic trust me this is my specialty so they've just met they just escaped from prison together and they're just like their first conversation my father didn't stress diplomacy thanos he's not my father when thanos took my homeworld he killed me my father's not my father no issues there he tortured me turned me into a weapon it's the sharing and he said he was going to destroy an entire planet she's pretty cold and like standoffish and she's the first one sharing which i find to be pretty interesting with her character like so this is very much so her showing some warmth in the relationship because she's the first one that is being vulnerable she's setting the stage for this relationship by opening up and sharing about her past right but have you ever done this part where like you meet somebody and as you're getting to know each other you start like with your most terrible story it's like it's like well okay it's like trauma bonding right like oh my parents divorced when i was six well my divorce when i was two or three okay yeah he declared bankruptcy in high school well we lived in a cardboard box so we were so she's like well my dad murdered an entire species i i do think that it's important at this point to recognize though that like she seems he seems very warm and personable wants to get to know her and she has been always the one that's kind of resisting that relationship but in this moment she's the first one to start with the vulnerability she's the first one to start talking so if you're looking at this frame you just notice how he's leaning in so with your body language when you're turning your shoulders and your hips and your feet toward the person you're really opening yourself up and in this particular scene you notice how she's just sort of standing with her shoulders and her hips sort of crosswise to him and i'm already starting to understand that her character is much more guarded than his and he is so much more open to wanting to make that connection which i think is really fascinating that in this you're going to see in this next clip she's actually the one that starts with opening up and the vulnerability piece i could see this playing out in a different way where maybe he first opens up and then she reciprocates but that's not how it goes why would you risk your life for this this is a really vulnerable moment like she asks him a question why would you risk your life for this which i think what she's doing is she's really trying to get to know him she's trying to create some kind of a connection with him and by asking that open-ended question i think what she's saying is i just opened up now i want you to share about yourself and so she opens that door for now him to reciprocate with that vulnerability that openness my mom like sharing with me all the pop songs that she loved growing up i happened to have it on me when i was the day that she when i left earth it's interesting too that these guys are both defining themselves through the lens of their parents right she's talking about who she is as a result of her father he's actually talking about who he is as a result of his mother it's just interesting how we tell ourselves story about ourselves i think what do you do with it do nothing you listen to it or you can dance i'm a warrior and an assassin i do not dance really these two bond so quickly and there's a lot of different ways usually bonding happens over time takes time to to create that bond as there's like incremental sharing and vulnerability that occurs but the two of them and like what you said she starts off more starts off by just pouring her heart out and sharing the most traumatic part of her life but he reciprocates right so he he honors the sharing and then reciprocates by sharing equally vulnerable things and so the two of them have sort of leaped forward in their bonding and sort of created this unique intimacy between the two of them that took no time at all just by sharing that vulnerable fact i don't think it's necessarily healthy to begin a relationship with some with so much transparency obviously you have to drive the plot forward in this case but it takes time to build trust as we see [Music] i know who you are peter quill you feel love yeah i guess yeah i feel a general unselfish love for just about everything romantic sexual though no no i don't for her no [Laughter] the gottman institute actually just put out an article about different types of love um but they're they exist on different levels right so um they are different right he he has this he's not lying he does feel a general love for everybody he he's that's who he is that's his character and also it's not no but it's and also he feels this romantic sexual draw to gamora which i think is it's funny she just told everyone your deepest darkest secret dude come on i think you're overreacting a little bit you must be so embarrassed but in this moment he feels this this draw toward her but then he says no like he he says it's almost as if he's aware that maybe it's not returned and there's such a risk in sharing your feelings for someone if you don't know how they feel about you which is i think what's going on here is he's just been outed and he he's i think telling him himself the story that she's not interested in him so she now he's backpedaling and it feels like you know like their second graders on the playground and he just you know he's getting picked on by the bullies and you know even i think about this character of mantis and you know as a therapist she skips this part where she asks for consent right she's pretty innocent so she doesn't she doesn't kind of get know how to play the game but when you're trying to expose or at least reveal emotions that are hidden i think you do need to ask for consent and that's what we do in our office a lot is we say hey let me test this theory like is there something going on here that maybe is under the surface that we that we're not quite aware of i do that anyway just to see if they can affirm that my suspicion or my observation is correct mantis though just skips the whole part touch me and the only thing you're gonna feel is a broken jaw she does yeah she doesn't she doesn't read the room right like she doesn't like read the room and be like this is this is a safe place right if i reveal this like you're not gonna have the big guy in the corner laughing at you yeah well draxes is a light i love drax he's he's uh he makes this whole he makes this whole series what are you doing peter dancing i'm not going to dance with you okay so hold on at this point are they romantic at all they're not right they never quite are yeah it's not like a mutual romantic relationship because he's coming up and he's like behind her and saying dance with me it's so intimate it's definitely a very clear bond that they have they're just not quite aligned and how they're designed to express it we're not quite aligned in this at the same time like there's moments where she really reaches for him um and then there's moments where he's reaching for her and it's not she's not quite there she's not responding in the way that he necessarily i think would want her to respond but it's slow moving this is a very slow relationship get to it already when am i gonna do something about this unspoken thing between us wouldn't spoken thing well he's trying to crack the code the good news is that he has her permission like she's not quite cracked in terms of the mystery that she is but she's not also not full on rejecting his his his connection to her what we should be discussing right now is something about this place it doesn't feel right every time he gets close it's like there's this she's drawn in like i think she really wants that connection she really wants to feel safe and secure and he does that for her and the moment she starts to relax into it is the moment that she pulls the knife on him sticks it on his neck when they have like their first almost kiss well she has to protect yourself the strength yeah it's just yeah and then she literally like strong-arms him puts and puts an arm out and just says you know like basically get off me just so interesting you're rooting for him though i mean she's very likable you still want him to chase her you're the one who wanted me to come here girl mantis she's afraid of something why are you trying to take this away from me you know i have this theory about strength and tenderness and i think um she's she's constantly having to choose like am i going to be strong or am i am i going to be tender but i think the the the target is really both right to be able to hold both in the same sort of same body is really the goal to be both strong and tender yeah well and i think to allow her to ease into that he has to be that secure base and i think that he's really showing her time and time again that he is that safe place for her to land and it's little by little i think he's really starting to chip away and she's chipping away like i really do think she wants to show up in that tender way um time takes time you know what this is not cheers after all this is whatever the show is where one person is willing to open themselves up to new possibility and the other person is a jerk who doesn't trust anybody it's a show that doesn't exist that's why it would get zero ratings i don't know what cheers is i finally found my family don't you understand that i thought you already had when she says i thought you already had she's referring to them right like i thought we were your family yeah she's saying that this collection of motley heroes is the family that he's been looking for yeah and specifically you know she is you know we could extend this metaphor he's looking for home that's she's home right she's his she's his place of secure attachment or at least becomes that the interesting part about traumas you don't really know often where you're going to land but i think that you end up either with too firm of boundaries which is what gamora has right like she's put up this massive wall and she's really unwilling to let somebody break down and get to that tender soft spot that she's in and he has almost like two flexible boundaries where he's really like trying to connect really well and um and that can't be helpful either you have to have really just like firm but clear boundaries and not too firm not too flexible but just right in the middle and and it is interesting because they both experience trauma but they ended up on opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to their boundaries and what they're willing to let in yeah i think you know to me it goes back to this idea of strength and tenderness like she defaults to strength without tenderness and he kind of defaults to tenderness without strength and neither one is the goal right we want both of those in abundance so that we can sort of bring our whole self and our appropriate boundaries to bear in the relationship well the interesting part is that she went through an experience early on and in a moment of just extreme pain she was given this weapon and so she learned in order for me to get through this experience i need to have a weapon i need to be strong and i need to protect myself and so that is an old script that worked really well for her that she continues to play out in her adult life but it might not be something that she needs to continue to play out but she has to learn that she has a way where she can feel safe without also pulling out the weapons which is what she's starting to learn with with peter is that i don't necessarily have to protect myself or be armed in order to have this healthy relationship with this other person but i mean we all have these old scripts that served us very well that protected us when we were young but they might not be serving us in adult relationships especially romantic relationships i need to ask a favor yeah sure one way or another the path that we're on needs to thanos which is what the grenades are for yeah i'm sorry what's the what's the favor that's such a good repair right there just the moment where he's like i'm cracking jokes oh wait a second i'm gonna read the room and it looks like you're about to broach a complicated topic here so he repairs like that's a great example of oh excuse me sorry go on i'm you know i mean a lot of times people who are uncomfortable with emotion tend to do that they use sarcasm or they use humor and they try to write yeah diffuse diffuse the situation by not staying in that that heavy emotion too long if things go wrong if thanos gets me i want you to promise me you'll kill me swear to me on your mother okay big moment there's nobody else on this i was gonna say on this planet there's nobody else in the galaxy right in the galaxy that she would ask like he is her person and he she is asking something that obviously goes against everything that he wants but i think this happens in relationships so often that you have to recognize that when your partner asks something of you you have an opportunity to either say nope that is nope not going to do that or you can say you can yield you can say yes i will do this for you and this is obviously like the biggest ask of all asks but i think this happens in real relationships in real life where people say i have an impossible thing and there's nobody else on this planet that i would want to do this for me and it goes against everything that you would want to do but it is incredibly gracious to be able to grant that to your partner and say if this is something that you want i will honor your request and that that to me is the hallmark of healthy relationships is being able to honor your partner's request as much as possible okay oh wow okay yeah yeah see when you say yes it just brings the ladies in tracks how long you been there dude how long have you been standing there an hour an hour i think ultimately what she's asking is can i trust you and that's in that's that's the underlying theme of all relationships is will you be there for me can i trust you are you safe for me and he has proved through his actions he's proved through his words he's proved through how he shows up for her over and over and over i will be there for you and then finally she says i'm willing to put my trust of the entire galaxy in your hands can can i trust you and when he hears that and he responds with yes you can trust me i hear i hear you that's where you see her finally lean in for that kiss and say i will give myself to you i finally believe that that i can trust you and trust again like through all of these movies trust occurs it's slowly built one block at a time over and over and over repeating that message to one another that can i trust you will you be there for me this is all susan johnson's work um talking about i will be there for you you can trust me and um i think we finally see right like the two of them have that moment of embracing and bolting them both of them leaning in her walls come down she's trusting now really thanos has her we're gonna find out if peter follows through on his commitment to gamora i like to think of myself more as a titan-killing long-term booty call let her go peter when couples when people have a common enemy uh somebody that they're fighting against together it can actually make them quite a bit stronger and you know sometimes that common enemy is your kids sometimes that combination is your bank account sometimes that common enemy is your boss sometimes the common enemy is the flood in your basement but when you can actually connect with one another instead of against one another um it really does create something quite special and that's what happens here you know for them they they're now completely bonded against this common enemy called thanos you promised he promised excuse me chills and i don't even like this movie just the example like this [Music] idea of trying to save the secret that she holds inside that's that could be the enemy and they could fight against each other in this moment where she says kill me and now all of a sudden she's the enemy he doesn't want to kill her and they are now against one another but instead they made an agreement well in advance where they said we're going to lock arms and we're not against one another we are working together as a team and this idea of letting the secret out this is the enemy this is something that we're fighting against and it's incredibly bonding very healthy for an attachment to be able to say we're not working against one another we're working together i love you more than anything it's probably the first time she's ever said that right out loud in your whole life yeah [Music] the bubbles are a really solid touch again uh pulling you out of that that heavy moment with some humor that's all a repair is it's basically saying i'm gonna i'm gonna build in this release of tension it's almost like between two people if you are in an argument or your things are escalating it's moving up a repair this is all dr gottman's work is really intended to just offer some relief in the moment to de-escalate you enough so that you can continue to stay in that conversation stay in that moment and so it's it's that i mean just as this is in this movie it's like the intensity is building you're you're feeling it and then all of a sudden they they write in the bubbles and you go you can take a deep breath and now you can re-engage what we see is this couple here who they bond quickly through shared individual trauma we're we're ending right now with this shared trauma now that is actually creating this secure attachment that that belongs to each of them uniquely inside their relationship so i think the that we get to share this relationship over i think four total movies um is really i think a testament to how you know it takes time and then the ebbs and flows to finally get to the place of strength and both tenderness that they arrive at in in their shared uh enemy of thanos so that was peter and gamora from guardians of the galaxy i love these movies i'm thankful that we got to watch them thank you so much vanity fair for having zach and i back to give our thoughts on relationships we'll see you next time

Channel: Vanity Fair

Views: 63,700

Keywords: reviews, guardians of the galaxy, gotg, relationship therapists, relationship therapists review, relationship therapists reviews, relationship therapist review, relationship therapist reviews, gotg relationship review, guardians of the galaxy review, star-lord and gamora, star lord and gamora, star lord and gamora review, star-lord gamora relationship, star lord gamora relationship, peter and gamora, relationship therapists vanity fair, peter gamora, guardians, vanity fair

Id: -_2iKDMxOX4

Length: 21min 27sec (1287 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 23 2020