Therapists Review Disney Relationships, from 'Frozen' to 'The Little Mermaid' | Vanity Fair

here she is she's had been sort of alone for so long and now all of a sudden she's having this interaction with a man and I'm rooting for him to be that Prince this is way more fun by the way than couples therapy I'm Laura heck I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified Gottman therapist and co-host of marriage therapy radio I'm Lars co-host that marriage therapy radio also a certified Guttman therapist and couples therapist and private practice in Seattle and today we're here at Vanity Fair from our home offices and we're gonna be analyzing some classic Disney relationships Emma is a princess whose parents died you will be corrected by every every young girl on the planet will correct you it is not Anna Anna Anna is a princess whose parents tragically died she quickly becomes infatuated with Hans a prince and they bond over their lonely paths Hans proposes to her the same day they meet which her older sister Elsa does not approve of Hans appears to be honest and kind for most of the film that turns out to be a cruel and calculating man in the end only using Anna to become king this is awkward not your awkward but just because we're I'm awkward you're gorgeous wait what what she nails is now this is Who I am this isn't this isn't a faithful false profile pic this is exactly who I am I'm clumsy I'm weird I'm late that's why I'm leaving I I better go I have to go now because I'm scared and also I'm not a I'm not a big deal my sister's a big deal and so you're immediately enamored of her or I am and of course we think he is and why wouldn't he be in this it's kind of like yeah you can be who you are you can be fumbly and you can be kind of awkward and get caught up in your brain sometimes and and still look there's this guy who still finds you attractive and I think that I get pulled in quite easily with this you can't marry a man you just met you can if it's true love oh no what do you know about true love more than you all you know is how to shut people out yeah so I mean else is a little bit of a jerk but she puts her foot down which i think is really great boundary setting yeah I think it's really important to have those people in your life because oftentimes especially in like the first couple of hours of meeting someone and they're interested in you and they're so handsome it's so easy to get sucked up into all those hormones where you're purposefully I mean our bodies are literally pushing us toward one another typically limerence is this idea that kind of the beginning of a relationship limerence is like fueled by adrenaline and novelty and it's not based on any reality yeah so I get it and I remember it it is important to have that person that third party that knows you really well that can be that voice of reason because clearly your body and your brain are not thinking logically at this point you're hopped up on all of your chemical drugs inside that are saying procreate marry this person lock him down I mean there's a reason why they're so excited or she's so excited well and you mentioned something a little bit earlier that was sort of lost on me which is that she has spent most of her life alone like literally alone not even not having a boyfriend but not having friends she's talking to pictures on the walls hang in there Joan barely having a sister and so I think there is something about protecting your own emotional intelligence as you enter relationships and getting the kind of feedback that you need whether that's from your sister who's kind of a jerk or from your therapist or from your social network that she doesn't have anything about so one but one person if anybody comes in and busts that up I can't imagine how addictive that would feel for her [Music] ohana if only there was someone out there who loved you all of us that were watching this for the first time we were feeling this betrayal as significant in a pretty significant way mostly because in a way Disney betrayed us they did it for entertainment but it was perfect it was the perfect moment all that's left now is to kill Elsa and bring back summer it's like he's taken his mask off right like he's had this mask he's concealing don't feel he's just like like Elsa she puts the gloves on she's concealing he puts the gloves on he conceals who he really is he's been playing a part this whole time the glove comes off as the betrayal happens and it's kind of a way of being like this is who I really am and this is the truth behind it strictly from a therapeutic perspective John Gottman is this scientist and he doesn't he says everything with precision because everything's based on research there's one sentence in all of his literature that I've ever found where he says something that's absolute and it's that every relationship that is struggling a hundred percent of them are struggling because of betrayal and sometimes that betrayal is an infidelity sometimes it's a financial betrayal sometimes it's as simple as I've been wearing this costume for long enough to get what I needed and now I'm now I'm gonna show you my real face so in this way I think it really invites you to go okay what what is relationship about and she's she ends up you know kind of exploring that with this other guy the reindeer guy doesn't whatever the reindeer guy yeah Kristoff and then her sister - right her sister becomes kind of the true love story and in this case this betrayal is the end of the relationship but if for example he was just being foolish or he was sleepwalking or he was drunk or whatever where doesn't repair then have to come about and you know it just shattered in this case but it's I'm always looking for kind of a moment of betrayal that turns the relationship on its head and Disney never gave us a chance to do that before like that we never young girls who are watching princesses never had to ask that question before which i think is really cool about this particular treatment in this particular film okay so this is Snow White so Snow White was born into a royal family and she meets the prince when he happens to walk by her and of course she's singing this lovely song and it gets his attention so then they start singing together and they fall in love and when her evil stepmother of course his stepmother tries to kill her by feeding her a poison apple snow-white goes into a sleeping death and of course she's only ho woken from a kiss from the prince I think this is where the trope got born right this idea that love at first sight and I'm gonna fall in love with you because you're a good singer and this is the answer to all my problems and Disney's been recycling that for decades and I think it's given us the wrong idea of what it takes to make a relationship work it doesn't happen like this I mean I'm not a big fan of the idea of the one I think it takes some real choice and choices removed from from this whole scenario in part because there's no other choices except for these Seven Dwarfs and - she doesn't really have any agents once he kisses her she doesn't speak again right you bums me out that this is the the the way that we've been training people and especially girls to expect and hope for somebody to come and rescue them interestingly like the very first song that she's singing into the well is talking about her prints coming along and that's what she was wanting [Music] if he shows interest in me and now we have so many more choices I feel like women are in the game and they're the ones that are seeking out relationships but with the very first moment of her singing this song it just felt like if he chooses me then I'll just go along with the flow and that is definitely not what we're doing these days so this is fast-forward like 90 minutes right because they they met in the garden and she goes and does her thing with the dwarfs and the apples and all that second visit I think this is the second time they meet maybe I'm a FEMINIST and it's in and again it's almost 100 years later after this movie was made but I can't even fathom that this relationship has any potential for success I mean they'd known each other for less than three minutes and she's better off marrying one of those guys well I mean that part's true that these dwarfs are kind and they've been caring for her and interested in her and there's been an actual interaction between the two well they at least know who she is and and have experienced her in relationship this guy is just like kidnapped er basically so often we think well because we have this deep attraction to this person that that's just going to open all the doors for us to have a great relationship but in reality if we have a deep friendship with someone like she had with the dwarfs that's that's probably a better foundation for the two of them to have a relationship yeah 100% I'm I'm all for the friendships that should have all seven if she wants polygamy is in polyamorous now I'm super excited cuz we get to watch The Little Mermaid and there's a fun fact I've seen this movie maybe 40 times and Leigh puss on is my go-to karaoke song anyway Ariel's a mermaid princess she wants to be human real bad but her overprotective father won't let her she becomes infatuated with the human Prince Eric then she meets the switch lady Ursula she surrenders her ability to speak in order to become human and win Eric's love ultimately Ariel sacrifices everything she holds dear to be with him and her father transforms her into a human so she can marry and stay with Eric if I become human I'll never be with my father sisters again that's right but you'll have your man I love the that it's setting up it's like once you get married and you're with your significant other you can never see your family again well I actually think there's some wisdom here because this is obviously the wrong path but I think when you do choose a life mate it is important that you sort of separate from your family of origin like in this case that her dad is no longer the man in her life I think that's ultimately a win I still think Disney is this is all super creepy because I'm gonna not let you talk to this guy but if you get him to make out with you then you get to be in love and be married okay so here's the question I have for you Zack she gives up her voice for legs her voice is who she is it's the thing that he recognizes her as so what are your thoughts on this whole idea about giving up something that's so precious to you in order to appease or to be in relationship with somebody she's literally doing that thing where she puts the false profile picture to like present himself as something that other than what she is although she's diminished who she really is because like you said her voice is really the most or one of the most beautiful parts about her and I think this is right on the heels of her learning even how to use those legs like she doesn't even know how to use them because right it's just not who she isn't and so even if he does fall for her he's not falling for her well a couple of things come to mind but I just think in in relationships oftentimes we're faced with this idea that we can't make our partner happy unless we give up a part of who we are or we compromise a part of like a value system and I just never think it's a good idea to give something up that is so central to who you are as a human being that you need to be who you are and you need to hold true to that core need that core values yeah and you're not talking about compromise which is required you're talking about sacrifice which may not be yeah the premise of this hug I think is some healthy differentiation right like she stood up for herself she kind of advocated for herself and you gave her the green light which i think is at least the one cool takeaway of this movie at least she has her father's blessing that's at least one part of this story that makes you go well maybe there's not all that blind love-at-first-sight stuff in play here I'm just staring at this one screenshot and going kind of going oh this is the end of the movie but it's really the beginning of the relationship I wonder what's gonna happen to them I think they have a lot of getting to know you yeah we live in an age right now couples are meeting online they swipe a couple times they'll end up in a bar then they may end up in bed they may end up with a baby but then they end up moving in together then they end up getting married and they've kind of gone in Reverse or from the sort of the more traditional things realistically it's about that conversation it's all about getting to know you right like developing that deeper understanding of who your partner is their likes or dislikes and then from there moving into a place of this is someone I can't live without this is someone that I absolutely love in a door and how awesome is it that they also like to make out with me all right so Belle is the social outcast who's the bookworm and then this prince guy beast was once handsome but he was mean and he was cruel and then this lady turns him into a - a big like boor kind of poor creature thing and then the only way that break the curse is to learn to love a woman basically he holds about captive and his creepy old castle and every time they fall in love and the curse is reversed you haven't threatened me I wouldn't have run away well you shouldn't have been in the West Wing well you should learn to control your temper in some ways you wonder if this is like is this an abusive relationship with that aside just looking at the evolution that people can have in relationships where they're changing and they might be softening they let their guard down a little bit more I think that happens in every relationship where there is an evolution of change and and she's this is interesting because she's putting up boundaries for like right here oh yeah totally this may be often gets kind of compared to like the stories of Stockholm Syndrome where people fall in love with their jailer but that's not what's happening here she's definitely like making her choices and it's not because she's being manipulated or desolate she had her moment where she could have been like hey I'm free I can go back to my dad if I want to but you know she does she load him up on that horse she's hopped up on adrenaline obviously she was just being attacked by wolves she's all hopped up on adrenaline there's love here but it's it's been earned right it's been earned and learned tonight not just oh you're a good singer and technically it's without sex right there's no kiss before they there's no kiss before they before their love is made official yeah so here's one of the interesting parts about this is that the whole idea is that he needs to fall in love right and or like win her love by learning to love a woman learning to love an individual and if he can do that then he can change and I actually like that idea that he it's within his control does that make sense because I think too often in relationships we feel like in order for a relationship to go well then our partner has to change and in order for him to change he has to focus on himself and focus on focused loving another person and I actually really appreciate that but the locus of control is within himself well and it also suggests that love is a skill that can be learned and can be it can be developed and in the end we also know that love is transformative which is something we haven't quite seen yet except maybe with in Ariel's legs but I mean this literally changes him from the inside out and again I think that comes from Bell's strength not necessarily his remarkable work but you know kind of what they craft together something that I think you're alluding to is this idea that when when you find a person that person has the ability to change you and one thing that we look at is their business we look at the security of how you feel so there's like these different attachment styles right you have like a secure attachment style and insecure attachment style and anxious attachment style avoidant attachment style whatever it might be and the theory behind it is that if you are not secure which the vast majority of people are secure securely attached but if you're anxiously attached or avoidant ly attached if you partner with someone who is secure over time your attachment style can actually change and you yourself can become secure and I think that's like the transformation that can happen when you find that person you can change so Zak what do you think the relationship is or the purpose of having all of these antiques in the house what's the relationship what are they there for well I mean I think that's a great question because as I was watching and I was noticing that the the candlestick Lumiere is actually playing therapist and that's actually these characters exist throughout all these movies right you've got kind of the birds and Snow White and you've got a little mermaid you've got Sebastian and scuttle all of these Disney movies have these tertiary helpers that I think represent different facets of whether it's our social network or even like Rafiki and Lion King is playing therapist even without playing therapist in the movies here you're actually watching the petals fall and I don't know if the petals are falling on a daily basis but we don't actually know how much time but you know that time has passed and this relationship is evolved over time and that's that's definitely something that's different it's not a story of this kiss will carry you it's more like again what we've been saying sort of learning to love another cure you cure him in this case all right so it's Bob and Helen Park they're former super heroes forced to put that life behind them and live as normal suburban Heights with three children Bob misses his superhero past and agrees to secretly return to it for just one mission not telling his wife ultimately the entire family gets pulled into the plot that Bob's involved in and they used their super strengths to fight together and win the day you asked me if I was doing anything later I didn't realize you'd actually forgotten I thought it was playful and it was playful banter cutting it kind of close don't you think do you need to be more like there's a therapist who has this quote that he says you know choosing a partner is like choosing the set of problems you're gonna live with for the next 50 years and so that's what we see at the altar there is that she's more kind of together and kind of organized and clear about her boundaries and he's more of a fly by the city of your pants kind of guy and that's where he gets a trouble a little bit later I will not be made the enemy here you know why we can't do that because it'd be great it's not about you okay so first of all this is probably one of the first times I've actually seen a couple in a Disney movie go at it like and raise their voices like raise the stature I think that that was brilliant the way that they raised her up and made her larger cuz we do that when we're frustrated we we posture like listen to me I'm important and I've never seen this in a movie before we're an actual couple in a Disney film it's fight I think you made a really good point that she does start this scene and like kind of the the the posture of a mom I thought you'd be back by 11:00 which is difficult I think we do that we all of us have these sort of ego states right like we have a parent an adult and a child inside each of us and often enough couples get into trouble when they try to parent one another or in this case where he's that kind of acting like a child and she's acting like a parent it's not until they realize that they have to parent together that they both drop into sort of their adult state and there's this debate about whether or not you're supposed to argue in front of your kids I'm Pro argue in front of your kids not a lot of people are not people are anti arguing for your kids but but more importantly I'm Pro repair in front of your kids I think that's what they do really well here is that they they say stop when they realize they both have to become parents and and sort of deescalate it's okay kids we're just having a discussion pretty loud yeah but that's okay because what's important is a mommy and I are always a team we're always united it is important that we have conflict but I think it's important that you're doing it right if you are someone that throws objects when you're a table you're of table flipper when you have conflict I don't think that that's helpful for children to watch you be a table flipper or lose your cool I think that if you can manage conflicts you can have a conversation you could stay in pathetic you could stay grace well you can continue to listen to your partner and hear them out and you're doing conflict well cool let your let your kids like grab up grab some popcorn kids come watch mom and dad hash it out that's important they're gonna learn how to navigate the differences of opinion conflict can be paths to intimacy in this way which is technically Helen and Bob no one on the planet can infuriate Bob more than Helen and no one can soothe him better in the same way for Helen and it's like no one can infuriate her more than him and no one can soothe her more and I think we see them do both throughout the course of this film this is my fault it allows a father blind do what I have there's another skill though that is equally as important which is allowing repair attempts to be successful he's offering up some kind of sort of Mia Copa and they are going to remain in relationship together because they're gonna allow that to be successful this is unique in that it's a family and we get to watch the family dynamic and we're talking about repair and oftentimes repair could be an apology and the thing that gets missed often is repairing with your child I think too often we require that kids say I'm sorry for anything but they're taught I should say I'm sorry and I should apologize to adults but it's so rare that adults actually apologize to children and it just doesn't get handed out very often I like this because Bob's apologizing and he's just a knight I think it's important for parents or adults to apologize to children so Zak after watching all of these videos one of the things that I'm paying attention to is just how relationships have really evolved and I mean it started off with I've spent zero time with you and I was attracted to you because of your beautiful singing voice I don't think we've even had a conversation and now your kiss is going to awaken me from the dead and it sort of evolved through time to the point where now we're watching The Incredibles and man and wife are going through some like actual things and they have a family and they're having conflict it's just sort of normalizing what relationships really look like these days and it's interesting to watch the evolution in just like the last 60 years 70 years of Disney's portrayal of relationships I love that there are actual role models that are happening and what's really cool to think about what we just witnessed is this idea that like the wedding is the end of the Little Mermaid it's the beginning of the Incredibles and I think if we can make room for that there's lots more story than just the love story then it helps people understand that there's a there's kind of a work story that love is a what we learn from Beauty than because love is a skill that it can be like actually learned and it's also work thank you so much Vanity Fair for this fun opportunity and thank you audience for watch along and just sort of reminiscing our child Disney dreams yeah thanks guys thanks for having us and I hope that hope that this was helpful for you as it was for us Cheers

Channel: Vanity Fair

Views: 797,654

Keywords: disney, disney relationships, therapists review, therapists review disney relationships, vanity fair, vanity fair reviews, disney vanity fair, vanity fair disney, disney relationships review, disney movie review, therapists review disney movies, therapists review disney, therapists vanity fair, disney review, disney relationships reviewed, frozen, frozen love, disney love, love disney, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast, snow white, disney couples, love

Id: 0HcnaPxMOCY

Length: 23min 2sec (1382 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 29 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/violinha]

I have never seen that Hans takes off his glove to tell Anna who he truly is. And it's a great parallel that Elsa and Hans use gloves to hide they true selves.

[u/CLUING4LOOKS]

Now they need to do Ana and Kristoff in Frozen 2