Relationship Seminar (Part 1) - Ty Gibson

actually welcome Kevin breath of the pump just ask toy two or three questions just so we can become a little bit familiar with him a little bit of understanding about your background alright so we know where you're coming from when you share insurance it's not tomorrow so we've met you at our local church context here in the city before ty just a few months ago I remember meeting was it a few months ago oh it's Tongass boy pretty quite a year ago oh really no I don't know it seems like a year ago I probably six months I guess okay how are you i tol you come from the states involved in a ministry called light-bearer's ministry yes and tell us a little bit about that to start with what's that all about light bearers is primarily a publishing teaching and media ministry those are the three areas that we focus on we run a publishing house that has presses and folding machines wrong you do some of the broadening I do a lot of the writing yeah and that publishing house prepares literature in about 35 different languages and we yells 14 times as one of these can tell you yeah well here we publish somewhere in the vicinity of about 25 to 35 million pieces of literature that are shipped by container load to various countries around the world so that's the publishing there's a love episode will are developing world yeah mostly we send the containers of literature to countries in Africa South East Central America and Eastern European and this is all free to it's all free and reduced yeah yeah yeah so you must have a good you know a lot of support behind you have you been telling the people involved in them yeah we have a staff of about 17 people that work to cut dine and and then we have a number of people around the world that are financial support financial channels okay so there's your free and what about you since have you been made is that somebody doing idiot big mirror and other things as well yeah yeah nygma is the most recent project it is a series of short videos maybe each one is about five to seven minutes long any of you can look it up dig ma dot-com I have a fellow media person Jenner we were talking about it earlier so dig me calm di GNA and that's our most recent media project you can look at their short videos that can be emailed free to friends or uploaded to your Facebook and they deal with a variety of different subjects we're primarily dealing with subject matter regarding the existence of God and the character of God so you have of course you had web access literature as well we can get on there and look at yeah hold on yeah yeah look at that one yeah one one website is dimma calm the one the other website that you would find most of our material at is called light-bearer's dot or yeah so you've popped it up originally with another ministry gold or rose and that's like blue in the training is it yeah yeah yeah it's a it's a discipleship ministry basically we run a few courses each year we're running a new course here in Australia in fact Rose and one at what room God that we're just finishing called Bible booth yeah if you didn't understand these American wire room guy is model room how would you say we remember what we got there so I was at Dryden and you say America anyway look that gives us a bit of an insight so you're here for a couple months something you mention yeah couple of months in Australia for wife and children behind missing you like with you my wife is here children are in the United States we adopted all of them when we were nine so look at time we've got I understand two fairly laid down presentations to make okay so we're looking forward to that okay and there may be a few others trickle in don't let them face you just so I've been invited to do a relationship seminar everybody has relationships every single person here is in some kind of relationship or another right but the kind of relationships that we're particularly interested in tonight is the UH Lala kind of relationships male-female relationships where the chemistry occurs so we're not going to be talking about the relationships between parents and children sorry we're not going to be talking about the relationships between best friends or what you would call best mates right but biffle's okay whatever that is all right we're not going to be talking about any of those kind of relationships we're going to be talking about the relationship between a male and a female in particular now in order to really explore this subject we need to begin by talking a little bit about human psychology we need to explore what's going on in our minds in our hearts and I want to do that by telling you about a diabolical experiment that was conducted in the 12th century by frederick ii the Emperor of Germany and this diabolical experiment yielded some data that was unexpected because Frederic of Germany was interested to discover welcome have a seat Frederick of Germany the Emperor he was curious to find out what language children would grow up to speak if never spoken to in other words if children grew up in silence what language would they naturally grow up to speak now Frederick of Germany had a hunch that it would be German this was obvious to him he thought that German was the superior language the language of heaven the language of angels have you ever heard German by the way it's not the heavenly language it's very it doesn't sound beautiful at all all right but he was a very egocentric man he was very proud and German was his mother tongue and so he thought that if children were never spoken to of course they would grow up to speak German that was his hypothesis well he conducted an experiment to make this discovery and the experiment was very horrible he commanded that babies be taken from their mothers at birth so he had his soldiers go through the villages and as soon as the babies were born take them from the mother's arms and the children the babies were then put in a large room in Fredericks castle and there were nurses that were given charge over the babies and they were given two very explicit commands from the king the nurses were you are to raise these children in silence you may never speak in their presence you remember what his hypothesis was right he wanted to raise them in silence to see what they would speak so he said silence when the nurses come to the children when the nurses come in the room they are never to speak a word but there was a second rule a second command because Fredrick understood the nature of females he knew that if females became bonded to babies they would be tempted to sympathize with them and to speak so he said not only may you not speak but you may not touch them no touch so utensils were made by the artisans of the kingdom from wood for the changing of the clothing and the bathing and the feeding everything had to occur with no contact flesh to flesh and these were the to rule two rules silence and no touching the babies so as the babies were brought into this experiment what language do you think they grew up to speak no language at all that's right do you know why they spoke no language at all they died for want of touch now in modern medical science this phenomenon is called failure to thrive there was an experiment conducted not so diabolical in the United States of America and that experiment segregated premature babies babies that are born too early the traditional method of care put them in a little incubator with tubes for feeding with IVs but no germs and so keep them in the little bubble right but they wanted to do an experiment to find out if there was a better treatment so they took some of the babies in what is called a controlled study are you familiar with that language the controlled study said let's take half of these premature babies and we will separate them from the traditional method of treatment and we will only change one factor three times a day the nurses will reach their hands in to the incubator and Stroke their little arms and touch their faces and rub their feet and the head and just touch them their little tummies just touch them for a few minutes and then remove their hands three times a day they were to be just touched that's all everything else was the same and it was proven that the babies who were touched would gain body weight more rapidly and had a much higher survival rate why why did the babies die in Fredericks experiment for want of touch and why did the babies in the controlled study in the United States why did those babies grant gain body weight more rapidly it wasn't that they were getting more nourishment they weren't getting more food everything else was the same why are they gaining body weight more rapidly just from being touched well here's the data here's the evidence that has over the last 15 years has been coming to the table in much of the scientific community here's the data human-beings listen carefully now this is the point human-beings are you a human being by the way yeah okay so this applies to you and it applies to me all right human beings human beings are psychologically emotionally and biologically engineered for love did you hear what I said human beings that includes you you are made wired engineered whatever word you want to put there you are designed to live on love the babies who gained more rapid body weight weren't getting more food or nourishment they were only being touched and they were more healthy it has been proven in additional controlled studies that the simple act of affectionate or friendly touch if I reach out my hand and I say good evening nice to meet you what is your name hi Rita you have a nice smile it's nice to meet you we're just touching that's all it's very simple it's very simple I say brother how are you you all right yes we're just touching that's all but here's what the data has proven that when we touch very simply the white blood cell count goes up so the ability of the body to fight disease is increased incrementally right so it has been proven that if a person for example lives in an environment a social environment where they have family relationships that are pleasant and friendly where there is love and affection for example that those individuals have a longer life expectancy and they are more capable of resisting any disease that encroaches upon them but people who live in environments where there is hostility and anger and criticism and they are continually in a state of emotional upheaval where they don't feel good about their relationships they're more in clot the immune system drops and they are less likely to be able to resist disease these are scientific facts that have been coming more and more to light to the surface over the last ten to fifteen years and what this is proving is that human beings are made for love just like a car an automobile has a designer right and those who design automobiles have designed the inner working of an automobile in such a way that combustion occurs with an energy source what is the energy source for an automobile petrol diesel and what is the energy source for a human being love that's right just like the automobile is designed for love the human being is designed for love children who are raised in an environment where their parents love them will be more secure more affirmed and generally more successful in their future relationships but if you're raised in an environment where there is continual anger and hostility and hatred and angry words are spoken then most likely you will struggle in your future relationships you will be inclined to repeat those patterns unless you make a deliberate choice to break the cycle and to do something different with your life which is what happened with me just to give you an example so nobody here feels bad I was raised in a home and I'm not going to make it sound worse than it was and I'm not going to go into the details but I was raised in a home in which my mother was the only person that was genuinely good and even she struggled there was there was craziness and abuse everywhere I was surrounded as a child with drug addicts and alcoholics and violence and screaming and yelling and dishes thrown around the room and crashing on the walls and children running for their bedroom and locking the door to try to be safe that's the home I grew up in but I made a decision that I would break the cycle that I would never participate in those kinds of social patterns and I never have it's a decision but you don't make it deliberate sis decision you will repeat the cycles you see what I'm saying human beings are made for love and that is now listen very carefully very carefully human beings are engineered made designed for love that is the most fundamental truth of your identity as a human being the most basic elementary reality is that you were made for positive relationships you can't live a fulfilling and satisfying life unless you are in relationships with others brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and children with parents and best friends and ultimately the male/female relationship now what we see happening in our world in the popular culture of our world is that our popular culture is obsessed with one dimension of the male/female relationship can you guess which dimension it is sex that's right in fact when the internet was first being created and we saw the startup companies like yahoo and then google came along and these are what are called search engines right what is a search engine on the Internet this is where you type in a field a topic of interest right and search for data on that topic well when the internet first began there was a large board that was created a digital board that would reveal the number one searches from hour to hour a day today what were people typing what were they searching for searching searching searching millions of people sitting at their computer typing in what they are most interested in number one topic their sex on the board but here's the fascinating thing here's the fascinating thing there was another one number one topic at the beginning that was in competition back and forth and they were moving on the board sex and God that's right God these are the two subjects that were most searched for on the Internet in the early days of its development this is fascinating because we have to ask ourselves the question don't we what is the relationship what is the connection what is the cohesion in the human psyche between the subject of sexuality and the subject of God do these subjects meet anywhere or are they mutually exclusive are they in competition with one another or do they have some kind of common ground with one another now I would like to suggest to you that there is common ground and that there is a point of departure again there is common ground between the subject of sexuality and the subject of God there is common ground and there is a point of what departure let's explore this together more carefully now most of you don't have a Bible tonight so I won't have you turn there I'll just quote these scriptures and if you think you hear some heresy you can go check and see if these scriptures are actually there okay the Bible opens with a very fascinating introduction the first book of the Bible is what Genesis and so the first chapter of the Bible is chapter 1 and what is the first verse of the Bible in the beginning but what's the rest in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth right in the beginning God now here's the fascinating hello here's the fascinating thing in the beginning God the word God is not the generic word God in the Hebrew language it is a name it is a proper name and the name is Elohim Elohim is the name it's not God in a general sense it's got in a specific sense in the culture that surrounded Moses when he was writing this there were all kinds of deities that people believed in there was Dagon and Ishtar and there was Bale and there was Moloch and all kinds of gods but this was a specific God Elohim now the unique thing about this name is that Elohim is completely different than any name you've ever heard because it is a plural noun do you know what a plural noun is that would be like me introducing myself to you this evening and saying thank you for having me here this evening to share with you my name is ties ties plural how many exactly it's not appropriate I wouldn't introduce myself in a plural form would I know because I'm a single individual I'm a solitary creature there's not more than one of me right so I would introduce myself to you in the singular grammar I would say I'm Tai singular right but this is very strange because God introduces himself as a plural reality Elohim is a plural noun in the Hebrew so the implication is there's more than one so then in Genesis 1 that's Genesis 1:1 you come down to verses 26 and 27 and there you read so God very interesting God said Elohim said let us us yes us make man in our hour yes our image so God created man that is mankind in his own image male and female created he them so the image of God let me just ask you a question is the image of God the male yes or no is the image of God the female alone by herself no what is the full orbed image of God according to Genesis the male in the female together as one constitute the totality of God's image so excuse me because we're using yes because we're because we're using a translation that is English and that is culturally conditioned to our history but the Hebrew also has he sometimes but he excuse me no meaning yeah I think I think that I think that that our subject will to some degree answer the question I hope in the course of the study but our study here tonight is about relationships and I don't really have the time with the time that's allotted me to talk about the gender issues of Scripture if you don't mind so so the point is this the point is this God is revealed in Scripture as a plurality of relationship so we could say it this way think this through for a moment God is not a singularity of person God is a plurality of relationship so God as God is a community God is a social you it God we could say it this way very straightforward and simple God is a friendship that has existed for all eternity past God has never existed as a solitary being God has always existed in a relationship now if this is true and this is what Genesis 1 is indicating then human beings were therefore made to live to exist in relationships the image of God in Genesis is not merely the male not merely the female but the male and the female as a composite as a whole in other words in God all of the realities that pertain to the feminine characteristics and all of the realities that pertain to the masculine characteristics are present in this one reality we call God so we can ask ourselves the question and I'll just venture out on this a little bit since since the question was asked if we ask ourselves the question is God a man the answer is no God is God and he transcends that category is God a woman no God is God and he transcends she transcends if you prefer were using human language that is limited but God as God transcends those categories he's not a created being of any kind he is beyond that but there are characteristics in God that are manifested in the relationship that exists between the male and the female so then as the story of Genesis continues to unfold is very fascinating God Himself performs the first wedding or marriage if you will the man and the woman are brought together and God says to the man and the woman that they are to be as it were one flesh that they are to be brought together as one and this language is so fascinating because it essentially means now try to wrap your mind around this this is very crucial for where we're going regarding relationships the Bible when it describes God says simply that God is love when God created the man and the woman he was creating his image which is love love by definition is listen other-centered rather than egocentric love by definition is all about the other and the other is all about that other so I am living for you and you are living for me creating the geometric shape of a circle in relationship so Adam is described in Genesis as living with total focus and devotion to Eve so Eve can do one of two things she can say I love this arrangement let it all be about me or even her self reflect and reciprocate Adams love and let it be all about Adam and there is no want in that relationship he is living for her and she is living for him and the Bible describes this poetically by saying that the man and the woman were naked and not ashamed it's a very strange language to find in Scripture it almost seems like it's out of place in the narrative in the story you're just going along and you're hearing a story and God created the man and the woman and they were naked and not ashamed it's very odd I wouldn't say to you I had a great day today I was I would I woke up I had breakfast I went out for a walk I went to the grocery store and I was naked and not ashamed I would never throw that in as an incidental fact because it's not natural to our present condition as human beings but for Adam and Eve it was their natural state naked and not ashamed simply means think about this what kind of psychological framework would you have to be in to be naked and not ashamed pure that's right innocence you you have to be completely lacking in self-consciousness so that your total focus is on the other Adam living for Eve Eve living for Adam but then after the fall of mankind the language changes in chapter 3 of Genesis I think it's in verse 7 it says that Adam and Eve it says they realized or they knew now that they were naked and they made coverings for themselves what's happening there psychologically now they're self awareness self consciousness now it's about me and for you it's about you and this is the source of all friction in relationships psychologically emotionally relationally all of us experienced the break down of relationships to one degree or another and if you trace the breakdown of the relationship usually it is traceable to one or the other or usually both of the individuals being self protective self centered self exalting or egocentric in some manner so that every ailment that human beings experience relationally is traceable to self-centeredness as opposed to other centeredness now this is very very dangerous to think about this because the natural thought is to say wait a minute but I am an individual and I need to look out for my what self and if I don't look out for myself no one will so every man for him so every woman for her so mu fall or get out of the way I just happen to be my favorite person get used to it nobody else is going to live for me so I'm going to live for me but here's the problem with that if I live for myself people relationally begin to gravitate away and to back up and to build barriers because I don't feel safe for them because they know that if push comes to shove I'm going to choose my best interest over theirs and if somebody is going to suffer it's going to be you not me and when people sense that even only in the realm of sensing it walls go up protective barriers go up and we don't want to get close and we don't want to get intimate for fear of what for fear of violation for fear of pain for fear of hurt and so we build shields and bubbles and we separate emotionally from people and we keep them at arm's length for fear of pain so the Genesis account is fascinating because it helps us to understand number one that human beings are designed or engineered psychologically emotionally and even biologically for love we were made to live in love and love is essentially self giving and other centered in its nature the second thing we learned from the Genesis account is that human beings while they were while we were made for love that human beings have experienced some kind of break in the logic of love so that we are now essentially inclined to self-preservation and this is what is called in theology the fall with a capital F the fall of humanity the fall of mankind the fall of and kind is a psychological and emotional and spiritual descent into self-preservation now what does all of this have to do with the relationships here and now today I'm going to lead you through a series of points that I call the six secrets of lasting love all right the six secrets of lasting love now in order to get there I'm going to begin by sharing with you one overarching principle that is articulated in the Bible one overarching principle that is going to work out in all of these various principles that we're going to be enunciated and I'll just read it to you again if you have a Bible you can look at it it's in first Peter chapter 3 and verse 7 so Peter is the one speaking and Peter is describing a key principle that we want to home in on all right he says addressing the husband's addressing the male in the relationship he says husbands he says live with your wives with understanding with understanding giving honor to the wife giving what everybody what's the word honor so there are two words here I want to focus on he says dwell with your wife with two things understanding and honor understanding and honor alright first of all what is understanding understanding means perception discernment you comprehend the principles in play right in the book of Proverbs we're told that wisdom is the number one thing it's the principle thing that we should pursue because wisdom builds a successful life wisdom simply means you understand relational dynamics it means you understand and how things intersect and work like the weaving of a fabric to create a strong and beautiful cloth versus taking a pile of threads and throwing them on the ground and making a large tangled mess out of them according to the Apostle Peter a husband has a responsibility a wife has the same responsibilities of course but the husband from Peters perspective as the aggressor in the relationship and it's the stronger at least physically if not emotionally but the man is called upon to understand his wife why because the opposite of understanding listen very carefully the opposite of understanding is ignorant and ignorant leads to dominance to control to force to coercion and the sad thing is that is that males because they happen to be generally as a rule physically stronger and larger down through history have used their physical strength as a leverage for dominance over females down through history it is the greatest tragedy imaginable whereas Peter is taking a higher plane he's saying not dominance not control not coercion not force no understanding comprehend understand the principles that make for a good relationship do you know why Peter points in this direction because there's only one way that love can actually occur between a man and a woman and that is voluntarily the moment you introduce force or coercion or dominance into the relationship love begins to recede and to be destroyed a very simple illustration that I think I shared with you six months ago or when I was here a very simple illustration would be to draw a distinction between an implement of force and what its limitations are if I had a revolver a gun this evening and you took me seriously and I pointed the gun out at you and I said right now stand up what would you do you'd stand up well maybe you wouldn't you'd be a little stubborn and you'd get shot in the head well but if I was a crazy man and I and I had a crazy look in my eye and I said stand up most of you would stand up because you don't want to be shot so what's the motivation there fear is the motivation stand up what if I then said sit down what would you do you'd sit down what if I said I'm hungry make me spaghetti you would look for the ingredients and you would try okay so you understand intuitively that with an implement of force in my hand I could manipulate your behavior right but what if in the next moment I say stand up sit down make spaghetti and in the next moment what if I say love me what if I said I want you to be my best friend right now feel loyalty toward me or I will shoot you right or what if I said to you I want you to feel trust with a gun in my hand to your head trust loyalty love here's my question could you not would you as if it would be within the realm of possibility would you say well let me think for a minute I'll just think about it for a minute maybe maybe not should I or shouldn't I trust him would it even be possible it's mutually exclusive you can't you can't trust me you might lie to me you might say I love you don't shoot me but you would be lying because love well love as a principle the Bible says love your enemies right so as a principle you could love me but you couldn't trust me let me put it this way you couldn't like me I have a gun to your head and I say I want you to like me because you like me now could you trust me could you feel loyalty no because these things are mutually exclusive force dominance squash the possibility of love it kills the impulse for loving the heart so Peter says listen if you want to have a good relationship as males and females husbands you need to understand you need to live with your wife with understanding that means that you need to avoid the inclination to manipulation avoid the inclination to force and dominance and give her the space to be an individual person with whom you have equality understanding the woman this is so fascinating in the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament which is the apex poem of love and romance the woman says to Solomon King Solomon her her boyfriend her lover her husband-to-be the woman looks at Solomon and this is her highest compliment she says you have eyes that are pools of understanding she looks into her man's eyes and she sees understanding he gets it he understands he's not merely foreseen dominating pushing his weight around using manipulation no he understands the relationship pools of understanding as a human being I would venture to say that if you really think about it and you had to make a list of the top five things that you would want in relationship you would say I want to be understood would be one of them I want to be understood I want the sympathy of a person looking into my eyes and knowing that they understand me rather than dominating or manipulating me right understanding now what do we need to understand what is Peter saying well we need to understand a lot of things about relationships for example this is very very simple illustration you can experience flight in one of two ways you can experience the phenomenon of flight in a 747 jet right and if you were to learn how to fly a 747 jet it would involve what are there a lot of buttons a lot of levers a lot of dials a lot of things to pay attention to lots of lights blinking have you been in a 747 cockpit this is you're surrounded with hundreds of things that you need to understand and pay attention to that need to be finely tuned in order to fly right there's another way you can fly it's called skydiving you can just walk to the edge with the open door and you can jump and begin to fall through the air and you only have one thing to remember pull the cord that's all just pull the cord and you hope for the best right marriage is more like flying a 747 than skydiving but most people intermarriage like skydiving you go to the grocery store and you see her across the vegetables there is the zucchini and the carrots and there she is and you look across and you feel the chemistry oh man she's hot and she looks at him oh man look at his look at his well-shaped eyebrows and there is the beginnings of a relationship that occurs so you get to know one another for a couple of weeks and the next thing you know after two weeks already your lips are on one another's lips you are touching you are kissing you are wrapping your arms around one another your bodies are touching in ways they ought not to touch in two weeks and you do what in the United States is called you hook up you're just going for a little bit of a recreational ride it's like a roller coaster or skydiving it's just a short little journey that is based on the adrenaline of the moment the next thing you know one person after another in our Western culture just after a few months or maybe a year of dating and sexting and texting and going back and forth doing whatever is done they say hey let's get married and here's what it's like they stand on the edge take each other by the hand with no understanding of the principles of relationships and what makes for a good marriage all they understand is you're hot so are you let's jump flat and that's why in the United States I don't know what the stats are here but right now in the United States it is abysmal five out of ten marriages in the United States right now Indian divorce 50% five out of ten Indian divorce splat on the pavement five out of ten Indian divorce now there's five left right do you know math just ten you take away five how many you have left five okay just making sure you're with me okay so we got five left and the studies reveal through questionnaires and different methods of seeking this information that of the five that remain get this three of them will settle into what is called cold coexistence do you know what cold coexistence says you come home you walk through the door hi hi what's for dinner roast beef would you take the garbage out okay I'm gonna go out for a few hours don't wait up for me wouldn't think of it good night come home again tomorrow the same thing sit at the table there she is there he is nothing in common nothing in common that's called cold coexistence and so they grow old together because their culture dictates that they have to stay married this is called coexistence five in in divorce three settle into cold coexistence Welcome 3 settle in to cold coexistence and of and of the two that remain it is generally understood that only one out of the total ten ever a team life long intimacy of friendship in marriage their sad statistics and it's because we enter this relationship this most sacred and important of all relationships we enter the relationship without understanding we're not sure what it entails and what is important in the relationship to make it work you don't get in your car and drive it until it's nearly out of gas and then say you know what I need to find some kind of liquid to put in the gas tank no you don't need some kind of liquid you need a specific kind of fuel source petrol is what you need right water won't work dairy milk won't work even tofu milk won't work as good as it is you need something specific to make the automobile function the way it is designed to function so we need to enter it the relationship Peter says with understanding but then he says this husband's live with your wife with understanding giving honor Wow what is this what is honor well in the Greek this word that Peter employs here simply means weightiness heaviness as opposed to by contrast lightness heavy versus light picture a stone a large boulder versus a feather and this is the difference between honor and dishonor what does he mean think this through a very care substance that's right that's a good word to use it means it means that she has weight with him when she speaks what she says matters she has value that's right so this this sense of value Peter says that the hussar you married oh you're not okay is this your sister I'm sorry if you were married hypothetically okay the point is this that honor means that you give significance and value to the other person let me ask you a question have you ever been in a social setting just to make this point where there's lots of people let's say there's 50 60 a hundred people maybe at church even when you're done with the church service you all go out here and you visit probably or something have you ever stood in a crowd of people and you're having a conversation with somebody and you have their eye contact and their attention for just a few seconds and then you start to notice that their eyes are looking for someone else they'd rather talk to they're looking over your shoulder or and then they do this body posture thing where they they back up just one step at first they're giving a cue they want you to understand that they're done have you ever experienced that well what's that feeling what's that emotional feeling what are you feeling at that point what is it projection that's right because I'm not engaged with you I'm not paying attention to you you're speaking but I'm not listening three minutes into the conversation if I were to ask you or you were to ask me hey what did I say two minutes ago you'd say is this a trick question you've all had that experience I've had that experience this is where you feel light like a feather you're not of significance in this interchange versus being of significance that's what Peter means he says husband's live with your wive's with understanding first of all comprehend the principles that are involved in a good relationship and apply those principles like flying a 747 you got to just dial it in turn all the buttons and levers how and then you fly smoothly and you get elevation you don't just say hey you're beautiful you're handsome we have some chemistry going on let's jump you're going to hit the ground not running you're going to hit the ground and be injured emotionally in the process but this is how we do relationship Peter says understanding and Peter says honor what is it like let me just ask you another question what is it like when you know in a relationship with somebody that you have their full undivided respect and attention what's that like there's hardly anything better you can imagine is there well you know that the person is totally dialed in and wants to know what you're thinking and wants to know what you're feeling and then makes the necessary modifications in order to resolve any problem there well how do you feel when a person comes to the realization that they have hurt you and they just have excuses or self justifications or they blame you or blame somebody else well in that kind of relationship you begin to feel like you are under valued your light you're insignificant so this is the overarching principle of a good male-female relationship a good relationship involves first of all to understand one another secondly to give weight and value to one another significance needs to be rendered to the other person this is honor in a relationship and we're different as males and females we're not wired the same so it requires effort to understand I mean if you want to get an engineering degree is some effort going to be involved are you gonna have to read some books are you gonna have to study are you gonna have to apply yourself yeah and that's just a career what about marriage what kind of effort should be applied to understand if I'm a man and I am that didn't come out right if I'm going to be married to this woman how much effort should I put forth to understand this person should I even go so far as to study about it I mean I'll study engineering or or I'll study biology to pursue a career what's more important a career or a marriage a marriage by far because that's a relationship in which there could be irreparable damage you could hurt somebody beyond repair this is very important should you read about it should you study about it should you get counseled about it of course you should if you're gonna spend time and energy for a degree you ought to spend time and energy for a relationship shouldn't you and I think that's why you came tonight because you say oh this is about relationship I would like to have a relationship someday or I do have one now and it's either going well and I want it to go better or it's not going well and we're falling through the sky about to hit the ground and I'd like to understand it a little bit better there are differences men and women are different by design the best way I've been able to make a simple point regarding the difference between men and women is to simply say that men are like waffles do you have waffles here are you okay so you know what waffles are what is the geometric design of a waffle little squares that collect the syrup and the butter right so there's there's a very clear segregation process behind between all the little compartments this is this is how most these are stereotypes so you understand we're speaking in generalities there are always exceptions to the rule but as a as a general rule men are compartmentalized in the way they think as a general rule men are like waffles but women are like spaghetti yeah yeah with red sauce slathered all over it what is the geometric design of spaghetti on a plate does it look anything like a waffle you have many many strands right and all of these strands are what intertwine and they're they're all connected and and if you grab the end of one noodle and you begin to pull it what will you see here you see the hole it's alive right it's moving it comes up that one noodle was intersecting with all kinds of other pasta right and you can't say that one is bad and the other is good what you can say is that they're different there are strengths and weaknesses on both sides a man for example as a general rule can segregate out a problem and focus on the problem to solve that single problem but the weakness of the man is he generally doesn't see how that problem intersects with this one right so in marriage counseling which I do quite a bit of you will often have a situation in which the man will say I will say to each of them in in brief state what the problem is in the marriage well he says the problem is that we're not having sex anymore and I look at him and I look at her and I look at him and I say so that's the problem yes yes that is the problem okay and I look at her and I say what is the problem and she rolls her eyes and she says I will tell you what the problem is that is the problem the problem is that that is the way he thinks and he doesn't understand that this is connected with this that something is wrong with my spaghetti it's all connected and intertwined and he doesn't realize that the way he speaks to me for days and weeks and months and we've been married four years now and he is disrespectful and he's dismissive and he is sometimes completely aloof and he won't even have a conversation with me he could care less about what happened today while we were separated he would rather surf the channels on the TV and eat potato chips he doesn't have any interest in my mind my heart and that is connected to this there is a connection and he is sitting there going huh it's a mystery it's an unsolvable mystery I don't get it and it takes effort for him to begin to allow the syrup and the butter to bleed over into other of his compartments now on the woman's side the woman everything's connected so her strength is and this is so so brilliant and beautiful is that she is the better qualified usually to assess the quality of the relationship not only in the marriage but with their children because often the woman as the children grow up and leave the home certainly you've noticed this the woman stays vitally connected with the children and the man occasionally she hands the husband the phone and he says hi did you did you have a good day okay here's your mom that's it it's over no connection nothing to say because he's compartmentalized her strength is that she understands the complexity of relationships and she knows that there's an emotional component as well as a physical component that there's an intellectual component welcome so this is the difference we need to understand that there are differences between the male and the female psyche in general again there are exceptions to these rules as a general rule for example men have greater muscle mass than the female biology as a general rule and then there's are some exceptions to the rule where you will find some kick-butt girls who have some big muscles but they're the exception to the rule they are not the rule so these are some of the differences between the male and the female experience in life I didn't set that clock so I have no idea what time we started okay so we need we need to take a break and when we come back after the break we will get into the more relational nitty-gritty of how it is that you anybody who is not yet in a relationship first of all we're interested in those who are not yet in a relationship but or maybe you are in a relationship but you're not married so you have options how is it that you can pursue life long intimacy lifelong love and if you're already married what kind of principles can you begin applying to the situation that will turn a bad marriage good so those are the things we're going to look at we're going to give you some secrets for evaluating possible options so as you meet men and women and you get to know them how can i narrow it down to the right guy to the right girl how do I know who I should marry how can figure it out how can I assess and that's what we'll talk about after the break so how long is the break the break is seven minutes no at seven the break is seven minutes and we're going to set a little clock here so just move around a bit get some circulation move around oxygenate your frontal lobe

Channel: fountaininthecitytv

Views: 14,588

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Keywords: fountaininthecitytv, fountaininthecity, fountain in the city

Id: 1rZGLOZIoGA

Length: 65min 20sec (3920 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 18 2013