LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ANYBODY THIS AFTERNOON WATCH THE
TESTIMONY BEFORE THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE? IT WAS A PARLIAMENTARY
SMACKDOWN. THE CAPITAL DOME BECAME THE
THUNDERDOME. AND IT'S ALL DURING THE
TESTIMONY OF F.B.I. AGENT AND MAN THINKING ABOUT COLD STONE
CREAMERY, PETER STRZOK. BACK IN 2016, STRZOK WAS PART OF
THE F.B.I.'S INVESTIGATIONS INTO BOTH HILLARY CLINTON AND THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN. AND SINCE THEN, IT'S COME OUT
THAT HE EXCHANGED ANTI-TRUMP TEXT MESSAGES WITH HIS MISTRESS,
AN F.B.I. LAWYER, SAYING THINGS LIKE: "GOD HILLARY SHOULD WIN, A
HUNDRED-MILLION TO ZERO." "TRUMP IS A (BLEEP) IDIOT," AND
"WHAT THE (BLEEP) HAPPENED TO OUR COUNTRY??!?!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HOPEFULLY ROBERT MUELLER CAN TELL US SOON. ( CHEERING )
( PIANO RIFF ) REPUBLICANS SEE THESE TEXTS AS
PROOF OF A VAST CONSPIRACY WITHIN THE F.B.I. TO STOP DONALD
TRUMP FROM BEING ELECTED PRESIDENT. AND HERE'S HOW DEVIOUS THEY
WERE: IN ORDER TO KEEP IT A SECRET: THEY LET HIM GET ELECTED
PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, WHEN STRZOK WENT BEFORE CONGRESS TODAY, THE HEAT WAS ON. WHICH IS WHY WE'RE CALLING
OUR COVERAGE-- >> RED HOT CONGRESSIONAL
STRZOK-FEST 2018. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WELCOME TO THE STRZOK-FEST. RIGHT FROM HIS OPENING
STATEMENT, STRZOK CAME OUT SWINGING. >> I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR
CONGRESS' OVERSIGHT ROLE, BUT I STRONGLY BELIEVE TODAY'S HEARING
IS JUST ANOTHER VICTORY NOTCH IN PUTIN'S BELT. >> STEPHEN: AFTER THE LAST TWO
YEARS, I'M SURPRISED PUTIN HAS ANY BELT LEFT. IT'S GOTTA BE ALL NOTCH AT
THIS POINT. THEN THE GRILLING BEGAN,
STARTING WITH QUESTIONS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN AND
SUPERCUTS VAMPIRE, TREY GOWDY. NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT
STRZOK'S TEXTS, YOU HAVE TO AGREE, IT WAS FUN TO HEAR TREY
GOWDY READ THEM OUT LOUD. >> YOU SAID, "TRUMP IS A
DISASTER." YOU SAID, "OH EM GEE
THIS IS F-ING TERRIFYING." >> STEPHEN: YOU WENT ON TO SAY,
"W-T-F BAE, THIS GUY'S THIRSTY A-F, IT'S LIT FIDGET
SPINNER, HASHTAG KEN BONE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STRZOK DECLINED TO ANSWER SOME OF GOWDY'S QUESTIONS, BASED ON
INSTRUCTIONS FROM F.B.I. LAWYERS. AND THAT'S WHEN ALL RHETORICAL
HELL BROKE LOSE. CHECK OUT THE EXCHANGE BETWEEN. CHAIR OF THE HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE AND MANNEQUIN HEAD THE MAKEUP ARTISTS PRACTICE ON, BOB
GOODLATTE, AND DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMAN AND ONE OF MY TOP
FIVE FAVORITE JERROLDS, JERROLD NADLER, CAUSE IT GETS REAL. >> MR. STRZOK, YOU ARE UNDER
SUBPOENA AND ARE REQUIRED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION. ARE YOU OBJECTING TO THE
QUESTION? IF SO, PLEASE STATE YOUR
OBJECTION. >> MR. CHAIRMAN, I OBJECT. >> THE GENTLEMAN DOES NOT HAVE
STANDING TO OBJECT. THERE IS NO--
>> POINT OF ORDER-- >> NO POINT OF ORDER HERE. >> POINT OF ORDER. IT SHOULD BE HEARD. >> IF WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
THIS POLICY, WE SHOULD TAKE IT UP WITH THE F.B.I., NOT BADGER
MR. STRZOK. >> THE GENTLEMAN'S POINT OF
ORDER IS NOT WELL-TAKEN. >> IT'S RIGHT ON POINT--
>> NO, IT'S NOT. >> POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN. >> YOUR-- LET ME CONTINUE. >> POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN. POINT OF ORDER. >> DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? >> POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN. >> THE QUESTION IS DIRECTED TO
THE WITNESS. >> AND I HAVE A POINT OF ORDER
BEFORE HE ANSWERS THE QUESTION. >> THE POINT OF ORDER IS NOT
WELL TAKEN. >> YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT
OF ORDER IS. YOU CAN'T SAY IT'S NOT WELL
TAKEN. >> THE POINT OF ORDER-- THE
WITNESS WILL ANSWER THE QUESTION. >> MR. CHAIRMAN, I RAISE MY
POINT OF ORDER AND I INSIST ON IT. >> STEPHEN: DAMN! IT'S ROBERT'S RULES OF BACK OFF
OR I WILL CUT A BITCH! POINT OF ORDER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UH, UH, POINT OF ORDER, THE POINT OF ORDER IS NOT WELL
TAKEN. POINT OF ORDER, YOU MUST TAKE MY
POINT OF ORDER AND YOU MUST TAKE IT WELL. SUBSEQUENT POINT OF ORDER NOT
TAKEN! POINT OF ORDER PURSUANT TO THE
PREVIOUS POINT OF ORDER REGARDING THE WELLNESS OF IT'S
TAKEN-I-TUDE. THE GENTLEMEN WILL YIELD ALL OF
HIS POINTS AND ALL OF HIS ORDERS! I APPEAL THE POINTII-NESS OF
THAT ORDER UNTO THE OBJECTION, WHICH I AM HOLDING IN CONTEMPT
OF PREVIOUS ORDERS AND POINTS! I APPEAL YOUR APPEAL. EVERYTHING YOU APPEAL BOUNCES
OFF ME AND APPEALS ONTO YOU! NEW POINT OF ORDER: THE CHAIR
WILL RECOGNIZE THAT YOU'RE A BIG DUMB STUPID-HEAD. THE CHAIR WILL NOT RECOGNIZE
YOUR POINT, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. DURR. POINT OF ORDER: (BLEEP) YOU. POINT OF ORDER, NO (BLEEP) YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
( CHEERING ) THE BATTLE RAGED ON AS GOODLATTE
REFUSED TO LET STRZOK CONFER WITH THE F.B.I. COUNSEL. >> COUNSEL FOR THE F.B.I. IS
SITTING HERE BEHIND ME. MAY I CONSULT WITH THEM? >> YOU MAY CONSULT WITH YOUR OWN
COUNSEL. (GASPS)
>> BUT I MAY NOT CONSULT WITH THE F.B.I.'S COUNSEL? >> ONLY WITH YOUR OWN COUNSEL. >> MR. CHAIRMAN THERE'S NO BASIS
FOR THAT! HE CAN CONSULT WITH THE F.B.I. COUNSEL. HE'S AN F.B.I. EMPLOYEE. >> THE GENTLEMAN IS NOT
RECOGNIZED. >> AND THE CHAIRMAN IS NOT BEING
PROPER. >> THE CHAIRMAN IS BEING PROPER! >> THE WITNESS CAN'T BE DIRECTED
NOT TO CONFER WITH HIS ATTORNEY! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: CONGRESSMAN ANDY
COHEN IS RIGHT! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN
CONGRESS AS FRUSTRATED WITH CONGRESS AS WE ARE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN'T DO -- YOU CAN'T DO
THAT! YOU -- YOU -- YOU CAN'T! ( LAUGHTER )
AND THINGS GOT CRAZY WHEN JERRY NADLER ACCUSED GOODLATTE OF
HIDING THE TRUTH. >> I WILL OBSERVE THAT THE
CHAIRMAN WILL NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION AND THAT THIS IS PART
OF THE CONTINUED EVASION... AND, UH, ATTEMPT AT, UH, UH,
OBFUSCATION. >> WILL THE GENTLEMEN YIELD? >> STEPHEN: OH, DAMN! YOU SEE THAT? THE CHAIRMAN WANTS TO KNOW IF
THE GENTLEMAN WILL YIELD!? GOODLATTE'S GOING TO BRING THE
GAVEL DOWN. LET'S WATCH THE FUR FLY! >> WILL THE GENTLEMAN YIELD? >> NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT. >> VERY GOOD. >> Stephen: THE BIG BATTLE WAS
BETWEEN STRZOK AND GOWDY. >> YOUR TESTIMONY IS BOB MUELLER
DID NOT KICK YOU OFF BECAUSE OF THE CONTENT OF YOUR TEXT. HE KICKED YOU OFF BECAUSE OF
SOME APPEARANCE? >> I AM STATING TO YOU THAT IT
IS NOT MY UNDERSTANDING THAT HE KICKED ME OFF BECAUSE OF ANY
BIAS, THAT IT WAS DONE BASED ON THE APPEARANCE. IF YOU WANT TO REPRESENT WHAT
YOU SAID ACCURATELY, I'M HAPPY TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION, BUT I
DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT WAS ORIGINALLY SAID BEING CHANGED. >> I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU
APPRECIATE, AGENT STRZOK. I DON'T APPRECIATE HAVING AN
F.B.I. AGENT WITH AN UNPRECEDENTED LEVEL OF ANIMUS
WORKING ON TWO MAJOR INVESTIGATIONS DURING 2016. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WHOO! WHOO! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS
INTENSE! IT WAS LIKE "A FEW GOOD MEN,"
BUT WITH EVEN FEWER GOOD MEN. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, GOWDY WAS FINISHED QUESTIONING, BUT DEMOCRATS
INSISTED THAT AGENT STRZOK BE ALLOWED TO ANSWER AND, UH, HE
DID. >> I CAN ASSURE YOU,
MR. CHAIRMAN, AT NO TIME IN ANY OF THESE TEXTS DID THOSE
PERSONAL BELIEFS EVER ENTER INTO THE REALM OF ANY ACTION I TOOK. THE SUGGESTION THAT I IN SOME
DARK CHAMBER SOMEWHERE IN THE F.B.I. WOULD SOMEHOW CAST ASIDE
ALL OF THESE PROCEDURES, ALL OF THESE SAFEGUARDS AND SOMEHOW BE
ABLE TO DO THIS IS ASTOUNDING TO ME. IT SIMPLY COULDN'T HAPPEN. THE PROPOSITION THAT THAT IS
GOING ON OR THAT IT MIGHT OCCUR IN THE F.B.I. DEEPLY CORRODES
WHAT THE F.B.I. IS IN AMERICAN SOCIETY, THE EFFECTIVENESS OF
THEIR MISSION. AND IT IS DEEPLY DESTRUCTIVE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WHOO! >> Stephen: I WAS WONDERING
WHY GOWDY WAS SLUMPED SO FAR DOWN IN HIS
CHAIR. IT'S BECAUSE HE HAD HIS ASS
HANDED TO HIM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT WAS JUST LEGS AND SPINE JUST GONE. BUT THEN, OF COURSE, THERE WAS A
LUNCH BREAK AND, AFTER LUNCH, IT WAS PAYBACK TIME, BUDDY! SO GOWDY'S BUDDY TEXAS
CONGRESSMAN AND FACE PAINTED ON AN EGG, LOUIE GOHMERT, LIT INTO
STRZOK. >> I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHEN
I SEE YOU LOOKING THERE WITH A LITTLE SMIRK, HOW MANY TIMES DID
YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT INTO YOUR WIFE'S EYE AND LIE TO HER ABOUT
LISA? (EXPLOSION OF CROSSTALK)
>> MR. CHAIRMAN THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! >> MR. CHAIRMAN PLEASE! >> THIS IS INTOLERABLE
HARASSMENT OF THE WITNESS! SHAME ON YOU! >> WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT-- YOU
NEED YOUR MEDICATION! ( CHEERING )
>> Jon: WHOOOOOOO! YAAAAAAAAY! >> Stephen: WOW. WOW... ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A GOOD POINT. I THINK WE WOULD ALL BE BETTER
OFF WITH SOME DRUGS TO GET THROUGH THIS. ONCE AGAIN, STRZOK STRUCK BACK. >> I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD THE TRUTH. THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD ACCUSE
ME OTHERWISE, THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD QUESTION WHETHER OR
NOT THAT WAS THE LOOK I WOULD ENGAGE WITH IN A FAMILY MEMBER
WHO I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED HURTING GOES MORE TO A DISCUSSION ABOUT
YOUR CHARACTER AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR AND WHAT'S GOING
INSIDE YOU. >> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT OUR
BUSINESS WHAT'S GOING INSIDE LOUIS GOHMERT, BUT I'M DOING TO
ASSUME HE MEANT WHAT'S GOING "ON" INSIDE LOUIS GOHMERT. WHICH IS AN EXCELLENT POINT,
WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE LOUIS GOHMERT? >> AND I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER
WHEN I SEE YOU LOOKING THERE WITH A LITTLE SMIRK HOW MANY
TIMES DID YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT INTO YOUR --
♪ ♪
♪ >> Stephen: IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH
MORE COMPLEX THAN I THOUGHT. I MISJUDGED THE MAN:
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH YEAH. >> STEPHEN: SO, IT LOOKS LIKE
WHAT HAPPENED HERE IS THAT CONGRESS HAULED IN AN F.B.I. AGENT IN AN EFFORT TO UNDERMINE
THE INTEGRITY OF LAW ENFORCEMENT AND PROTECT THE
PRESIDENT FROM BEING INVESTIGATED FOR POTENTIALLY
CRIMINAL ACTS. OR AS TREY GOWDY WOULD SAY:
OH EM GEE, THIS IS F-ING TERRIFYING. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. LAWRENCE O'DONNELL IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, TRUMP IN
EUROPE. STICK AROUND! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
