MY NEXT GUEST DOESN'T YOUR BOOK OUT WITH THE ONE AND ONLY OPRAH WINFREY. IT IS CALLED BUILD THE LIFE YOU WANT. ART AND SCIENCE OF GETTING HAPPIER. WELL, I AM VERY, VERY HAPPY TO WELCOME MY FRIEND ARTHUR BROOKS, OUR -- HARVARD PROFESSOR, PSG SOCIAL SCIENCES, AND COLUMNIST FOR THE ATLANTIC. I'M SO, SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE AS SOON AS I HEARD ABOUT THIS BOOK I COULDN'T GET MY HANDS ON IT. BECAUSE YOU STUDY THIS, RIGHT? YOU HAVE SPENT ALL THIS TIME AND EFFORTS ON THE SCIENCE OF HAPPINESS. >> WHAT IS THE TOP THING WE GET WRONG? THE >> NUMBER ONE THING THAT WE GET WRONG IS THAT WE THINK THAT HAPPINESS IS A FEELING. I ASK MY STUDENTS, WHAT'S HAPPINESS ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS? IT'S THE FEELING THAT I GET WHEN I'M WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE FOR DOING WHAT I ENJOY. I SAY, WRONG. HAPPINESS IS NOT A FEELING. FEELINGS ARE EVIDENCE OF HAPPINESS. LIKE THE SMELL OF THE TURKEY ISN'T EVIDENCE OF THANKSGIVING DINNER. ONCE YOU GET PAST THAT THEN, WHILE, YOU COULD REALLY START TO MANAGE YOUR HAPPINESS WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S SOMETHING MORE TANGIBLE THAN FEELINGS. >> YOU SAY THAT ENVY IS THE ENEMY OF HAPPINESS. >> YEAH. >> DOES THAT MEAN THAT GRATITUDE AND PEACE ARE THE KEY TO IT? >> THAT'S A GOOD PART OF WHAT ACTUALLY COMES FROM HAPPINESS. HAPPINESS IS A COMBINATION OF SATISFACTION, WHICH IS THE JOY YOU GET AFTER -- AN ENJOYMENT WHICH IS PLEASURE PLUS PEOPLE AND MEMORY. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, IT IS MEANING THE SENSE THAT LIFE HAS COHERENCE TO IT. IT HAS A DIRECTION TO. IT AND THOSE THINGS YOU GET, NOT FROM SEARCHING FOR SOME FEELINGS, AND CERTAINLY NOT FROM TRYING TO EMULATE OTHER PEOPLE AND WISHING YOU HAD WHAT THEY HAD. NO, NO. THAT'S NOT THE SECRET TO ANYTHING THAT WE. DO WE JUST WANTED THE RECENT THAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS. >> BUT YOU SEE IN THE BOOK, MONEY, FAME, POWER DO NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. >> YEAH. >> THEN WHEN OPRAH WINFREY PICKED UP THE PHONE AND SAID, ARTHUR YOU WANT TO WRITE THIS BOOK WITH ME? YOU DIDN'T FEEL HAPPY? >> WELL I SAID, I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT WAS OPRAH WINFREY AND I SAID I'M BATMAN. >> BUT IT CERTAINLY MADE YOU HAPPY. >> IT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT GETS THIS INCREDIBLE PLATFORM TO TALK TO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ABOUT HOW THEY CAN TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR EMOTIONS AND TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR LIVES. THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT EMOTIONAL SELF MANAGEMENT. THIS IS AN OWNER'S MANUAL FOR YOUR EMOTION. SUCH THAT YOU COULD SET YOURSELF, FREE PAY TENSION TO WHAT REALLY MATTERS. AS OPPOSED TO ALL THE DUMB STUFF AROUND US THAT WE'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO. >> BUT IT'S CONFUSING, BECAUSE YOU SAY YOU HAVE TO BUILD A ROAD MAP. AND, WHEN YOU SAY THAT, I OFTEN THINK WELL, THAT'S LIKE THIS DEFEATIST CHECKLIST OF I WOULD BE HAPPY IF I HAD A NICE APARTMENT. IF I HAD A GOOD JOB. IF I HAD A BOYFRIEND. , AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE A ROADMAP. BUT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A DIFFERENT. >> YES, TOTALLY, THAT'S THE WRONG KIND OF BUCKET LISTS. YOU KNOW THE BUCKET LIST -- >> THE BUCKET LIST THAT WOMEN'S MAGAZINES HAVE BEEN TELLING US. >> THOSE ARE THE WORST. AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE WHAT THEY DO IS THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A LOSER FOR NOT HAVING THOSE THINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE. PLUS, THEY MAKE YOU THINK IF YOU GET THESE ROYALLY THINGS YOU'RE SOMEHOW GONNA FEEL SOME WONDERFUL. AND WE ALL KNOW THAT WHEN WE GET THOSE THINGS WE DON'T. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT HAPPINESS IS A DIRECTION. NOT A DESTINATION. AND WE CAN MAKE PROGRESS BY INVESTING IN FOUR THINGS EVERY DAY. >> WHAT ARE THEY? >> NOT MONEY, NOT POWER, NO PLEASURE, NOT THE OR INTERNET FOLLOWERS. >> WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING FOR A LIVING? >> THE FOUR SECRETS, THE HAPPINESS 401K PLAN OUR FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND WORK. >> EXPLAIN FAITH. BECAUSE WHEN PEOPLE HEAR FAITH, THEY THINK ORGANIZED RELIGION. >> SURE, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE MEAN AT ALL. THAT'S A PLACE HOLDER FOR A TRANSCENDENT WALK OF LIFE TO MAKE YOURSELF SMELL. THE PROBLEM, IS WE MAKE OURSELVES HUGE. AND THE CENTER OF MY OWN PSYCHO DRAMA CONSTANTLY. AND IT'S SO BORING. MY LUNCH. MY MONEY. MY COMMUTE. MY -- IT'S TERRIBLE. I COULD JUST ZOOM. OUT MAYBE THAT STUDYING THE STORY PHILOSOPHERS. MAYBE THAT MEDITATION PRACTICE, MAYBE THAT'S WALKING IN NATURE ABOUT DEVICES BEFORE DAWN. A MAYBE THAT'S THE RELIGION OF MY YOUTH. BUT WE NEED SOMETHING. AND WE'VE GOT TO DO IT EVERY SINGLE DAY. >> BUT HERE'S WHAT'S WORSE ABOUT, THAT YOU TEACH THIS AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY. OKAY? THE SCHOOL WHERE STUDENTS HAD TO SACRIFICE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING AND PLAY THE LEFT-HANDED TUBA SINCE THE THIRD GRADE AND GET A 50 90 AND THE SATS WHILE TAKING THE SATS IN MANDARIN TO GET THERE. SO, THAT INSANE CHECKLIST THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF HAPPINESS. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE IN YOUR CLASS SAYING, HOW DO I GET HAPPY. >> THAT'S THE REASON THEY'RE CLASS, THEY'RE FIGURING OUT THAT THEY'VE NEVER FAILED IN THE HORRIBLY AFRAID OF FAILURE. AND THEY'VE ALREADY FIGURED OUT THAT WHAT THEY'RE DRIVING TOWARDS IS NOT GONNA BRING THEM THE HAPPINESS THAT THEY SEEK. AND I'M THE LAST CHANCE TO LEARN. NOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, LOOK, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SOME NEW -- LOOKS, EXCESSES. FIND GOOD FOR. YOU CREATE SOME VALUE. BUT MAKE SURE THAT IT'S WORTH THE SERVE. AND DON'T LEAVE OUT THE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS THAT YOU NEED. AND MAKE SURE YOU DO FALL IN LOVE AND TRY TO FIND YOUR LIFE MATE. AND DO ACTUALLY HAVE REAL FRIENDS AND NOT JUST DEAL FRIENDS THAT WE KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN. >> 100 PERCENT. TRANSACTIONAL FRIENDS VERSUS RELATIONSHIPS. >> EXACTLY RIGHT. LOOK, AEROSOL TALKED ABOUT THIS A FEW THOUSAND YEARS AGO. BUT NOW WE HAVE THE NEUROSCIENCE, AND THE SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY TO BACKUP. BUT IT'S NOT THE SCIENCE CLASS. ONE OF THE THINGS I TEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS WHAT'S GOING ON IN YOUR BRAIN WHEN YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE. I SHOW THEM BRAIN SCANS OF PEOPLE IN LOVE. AND I COMPARE THEM TO BRING SCANS OF PEOPLE ADDICTED TO METH AMPHETAMINES. YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE. AND I TALK ABOUT, OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? WHAT CAN YOU ACTUALLY MANAGE IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOU FEEL MORE HUMAN? AND THEN, MORE IN CONTROL? THEN, HOW CAN YOU USE THIS KIND OF A PROCESS WHEN YOUR DAY MAKE ON AN APP, FOR EXAMPLE. HOW TO USE. THAT SO WE USE THE SCIENCE SO THEY COULD DESIGN THEIR. LIFE AND THAT, WAY ALL AROUND LOVE IN A MORE EFFECTIVE WAY THAT'S A LOT ABOUT WHAT OPRAH AND I TALK ABOUT IN THE BOOK. >> BUT YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF MAKING FRIENDSHIP AT ANY AGE. IS IT HARDER TO DO THAT NOW THAN EVER BECAUSE WITH SOCIAL MEDIA WE HAVE HAD A HUGE LOSS OF ACTUAL COMMUNITY. >> YES, MORE AND MORE AND MORE WE ARE AT A DISTANCE. BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN TAUGHT THAT THE SUPER COMPLICATED TECHNOLOGICAL SOLUTIONS TO LIFE ARE GOING TO GIVE US THE LOVE THAT WE ACTUALLY WANT. ALL THEY ARE IS A SUBSTITUTE FOR WHAT WE WANT. YOU, KNOW WE WANT THE WARMTH AND LOVE THAT ACTUALLY COMES FROM EYE CONTACT IN TOUCH WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. AND THEN WE BINGE ON THE SOCIAL MEDIA. BECAUSE WE THINK IT CAN ACTUALLY GIVE US THIS, BELIEVE IT OR, NOT THERE'S A HORMONE IT'S PRODUCED IN THE HUMAN BRAIN CALLED OXYTOCIN. WE WANTED. WE WANTED. AND WE CRAVE. IT AND WE GET THE MONKEYS OFF OUR BACK IF WE DON'T GET. IT'S A WILL GO TO SOCIAL MEDIA WHICH IS A SORT OF BURGERS AND FRIES OF OUR SOCIAL LIFE. IT FILLS YOU, UP BUT IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY NUTRITION. AND THEN WE LOOK FOR MORE SOLUTIONS LIKE THAT. AND WE LOOK FOR ALL THE SOLUTIONS THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAS TOLD YOU. THEY'RE ALL ABOUT THE LOVE RELATIONSHIPS THAT WE NEED IN OUR. LIKE THE REAL HUMAN, ONE ON ONE THAT IS THE NAME OF THE SHOW. THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT WE NEED. THIS IS THE RECENT BY THE WAY, THIS ISN'T US GOOD IF I'M IN MY HOUSE AND YOUR IN YOURS. >> 100 PERCENT. >> IT'S NOT AS GOOD. AND THE SAME THING A STROKE IN LIFE. THIS IS A BETTER CONVERSATION ON THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW, AND PEOPLE THINK, THAT'S AUTHENTIC CONVERSATION. >> BECAUSE OF THE HUMAN CONNECTION. >> DON'T SETTLE FOR ZOOM. DON'T SETTLE FOR THE SOCIAL MEDIA. DON'T SETTLE FOR MEETING SOMEBODY AND TRYING TO FIND YOUR COMPATIBILITY WITH SOMEBODY ON A NAP. >> THEN, IS A BUSINESS THAT'S CONVINCED US, WELL, LET'S JUST BE MORE EFFICIENT? LET'S GO TELL A HELP? LET'S GO REMOTE. BUT, IN REALITY, WE'RE MISSING, WE'RE SURVIVING, BUT WE'RE LOSING THE ABILITY TO THRIVE TOGETHER. >> COMPLETELY. LOOK, HAPPINESS IS LOVE FULL STOP. WE'RE NOT CONFRONTED. WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND WORK. BUT ALL OF THIS IS LOVE DIVINE. LOVING YOUR FAMILY IN PERSON. LOVING YOUR REAL FRIENDS. AND THE LOVING YOUR EXPRESSING FOR ALL HUMANITY AND THE WAY THAT YOU -- >> BUT IN THIS BOOK, YOU TALK ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO FIND PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU. THAT DISAGREE WITH YOU. >> YES. TOTALLY. THIS IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE THINGS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND IN THIS MODERATE CULTURAL WORLD. WE CAN CURE RADAR FRIENDSHIPS. WE CAN CURE RADAR DATES BEFORE WE MEET PEOPLE FOR THE FIRST-TIME. WE, THINK IF I FIND SOMEBODY WHO IS EXACTLY LIKE ME A CARBON COPY OF ME, IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME SUPPOSEDLY HAPPY. BUT THE FUNNY THING ABOUT INTERNET DATING, BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE DATA ON THAT PEOPLE HAVE MORE AND MORE SELECTION WHEN THEY DID ON. ON THE LESS AND LESS LIKELY TO FIND THE PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE THAT THEY'RE MEETING. WHY IS THAT? AND THE ANSWERS BECAUSE THEY'RE CURATING THEIR PROFILES TO BE COMPLETELY -- >> TO PRESENT THEMSELVES AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHAT THEY ARE. >> MORE PARTLY, TO FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST LIKE THEM. WHICH MAKES THEM MAKE SOMEBODY LIKE THEIR SIBLING, WHICH AS MY ADULT KIDS WOULD SAY IS NOT HOT. WE NEED MORE COMPLEMENTARITY, WE NEED REAL DIVERSITY IS ACTUALLY WHAT WE. NEED THIS IS WHAT WE CRAVE. >> SO, THESE ARE THE BIG THING THAT WE NEED IN A GRANDSTAND. BUT I WANT TO, BEFORE WE LEAVE, JUST GET PRACTICAL WITH ME, RIGHT? PEOPLE ARE WATCHING THIS SHOW BEFORE THE -- THIS IS THE LAST THING WE'RE DOING BEFORE WE CLOSE OUR EYES. WHAT CAN WE DO WHEN WE WAKE UP TOMORROW TO WALK ONE STEP CLOSER TO A PATH TO HAPPINESS? >> TO BEGIN WITH, THAT'S ACTUALLY MAKE A CHECKLIST OF THE THINGS WE NEED TO PUT A DEPOSIT INTO EVERY DAY. A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING US, THEY'RE SUCCESSFUL, THEY WATCH YOUR SHOW, IT'S ENRICHING, THEY'RE GONNA GO TO WORK AND THE WHOLE THING IS THE WORK ASPECT OF. IT BUT THEY'RE PROBABLY LEAVING BEHIND A LITTLE BIT OF THEIR TRANSCENDED LIFE. SO TOMORROW. >> WELL, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TRENDS AND THE LIFE. MEANS >> LET'S TALK ABOUT THE FATE. SPIRITUAL LIFE, MEDITATION, LET'S START BY MAKING A GOAL OF READING SOMETHING REALLY HEAVY AND WISE FOR 15 MINUTES TOMORROW. RIGHT? READ A BOOK. BY SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS MORE THAN YOU KNOW. ABOUT THE SPIRITUAL DEPTH. THE MYSTERIES OF LIFE. 15 MINUTES. THAT'S NUMBER ONE. NUMBER, TO MAKE A GOAL OF CALLING SOMEBODY IN YOUR FAMILY EVERY SINGLE DAY. >> THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL. >> NUMBER THREE, YOU KNOW YOUR REAL FRIENDS AND YOU KNOW YOUR DEAL. FRIENDS MAKE THE LIST OF THE PEOPLE YOU CAN MOST IN CONTACT WITH AND PUT OURS AND D.C. AFTER THEIR NAMES. NOT REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS. REAL, DEAL. AND IT'S ALL DEAL. >> AT THIS POINT, NOBODY HAS BOTH OF THEIR LETTERS ON THEIR FRIENDLESS. THEY EITHER HAVE ONE OR THE OTHER. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. >> AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH OURS, ENOUGH REELS ON YOUR LIST YOU NEED TO DO MORE WORK. A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING THIS HASN'T HAD REAL FRIENDS SINCE COLLEGE. THEY HAVE BEEN. THEY HAVE ALL THESE DEAL FRIENDS, TRANSACTIONAL FRIENDS, PEOPLE TO HELP. THEM YOU KNOW YOU FIND REAL FRIENDS, BY THE WAY? THEY'RE NOT USEFUL. THEY'RE USELESS. THEY'RE BEAUTIFULLY USELESS. AND YOU NEED MORE USELESS PEOPLE IN YOUR. LIKE MAKE A LIST OF THEM AND DO THE WORK TO KEEP IN TOUCH. LOOK, WHEN I FIGURED OUT WHEN I STARTED DOING THIS RESEARCH I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH REAL FRIENDS. NOW I'VE GOT MY REAL FRIENDS. AND I SPENT AN HOUR ON THE PHONE WITH EACH ONE OF THEM A WEEK. >> THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING. >> AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, HERE'S HOW YOU DID YOUR JOB,. YOU DON'T JUDGE YOUR JOB IN TERMS OF YOUR TITLE, YOUR PRESTIGE -- >> WHAT IF I QUIT AT THE END OF THE SEGMENT? OH MY GOD! >> IT'S NUMBER ONE. ARE YOU EARNING YOUR SUCCESS DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE CREATING VALUE WITH YOUR LIFE? VALUE WITH THE WAY THAT YOU'RE EARNING A LIVING? AND YOUR, LIFE AND LIVES OF OTHER PEOPLE. AND, DO YOU BELIEVE YOUR TRULY SERVING OTHER PEOPLES SO YOU CAN LOOK THEM UP AND BRING THEM TOGETHER? THOSE ARE THE TWO CRITERIA FOR YOUR JOB. THAT WILL BRING INTO. AND, THAT'S ACTUALLY HOW YOU STRUCTURE IT. IT AND, THEN AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY WILL EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIOUS. THEY'LL, SAY DID I DO ONE, TWO, THREE, AND FOUR OR NOT? DID I CALL MY MOM? DID I CALL MY REAL FRIEND? DID I ACTUALLY DO MY READING? DID I ACTUALLY LOOK FOR THE JOB IF I DON'T HAVE IT RIGHT NOW WHERE I CAN EARN MY SUCCESS AND SERVE OTHER PEOPLE? >> YES OR NO? >> I'M SO BLESSED AND HONORED TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU. I'M SO HAPPY THAT YOU CAME TONIGHT. AND I WANT TO AUDIENCE TO KNOW, IF YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM, AND AUTHOR SUTTER WITH ME FOR 45 MINUTES. HE WAS SUBJECTED TO CHITCHATTING WITH ME. THAT IS A TRUE GENTLEMEN AND FRIEND. >> YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU MADE ME HAPPY. [LAUGHTER] >> WHEN YOU GO THROUGH YOUR CHECK LIST, BEFORE YOU GO IN THE BED. I'M GONNA BE IN THE POSITIVE. >> THANK YOU SO MUCH, GOOD
