Trump’s Big Mouth Could Land Him in Jail & Puppy Killer Kristi Noem Lies About Meeting Kim Jong Un

[Applause] Jimmy on the H thank you for watching thank you for coming thank you for joining us here in um beautiful Hollywood California where I don't know if you guys know but just about every comedian in the world is gathered here in La this week Netflix is having a big Comedy Festival and last night they had a roast of Tom Brady it was a live roast and all the major stars were there my prediction iron mic is going to kill that baby it will be the only legal abortion in Texas look at that GMO in the audience getting a little was it fun it was great it was good in person yeah it was very good I have to say I Tom Brady I don't know why he did this but he was a pretty good sport it's hard to believe only 13 years ago Donald Trump was the subject of a big Celebrity Roast people are hating on him because chump is always firing people but it's kind of okay cuz he completely let himself go anyway Donald hey hey oh hey chill you know what Donald you got the tan you got the laundry down but you got to hit the gy pork chop but Donald I like how you roll I've seen pictures of your house everything in your house is gold who decorated your house flavor flaves dentist and it all went downhill from there remember the situation mik the situation that he he was actually in prison with Trump's former lawyer Michael Cohen who's currently testifying against him they were at the Otisville federal correctional institution at the same time and maybe Trump will be there next in New York today the um the judge in his hush money trial found Trump to be in contempt for violating the terms of his gag order again this is Trump's violation and we're only on day 12 of the trial he's already paid $9,000 in fines for the first nine which doesn't sound like a lot but it is a lot for Eric who now won't be getting his allowance this week the judge is now threatening to put Trump in jail if he doesn't stop talking about the case which means Trump is definitely going to jail because he can't stop talking about the cas it's like it's like trying to get a dog to stop licking itself like don't nah whatever it's his nature sending the former president on a trip to baral Lago according to judge monan is the last thing I want to do which is funny cuz it's the first thing I would want to do it's like number one on my list and how would that even work I mean like would they give him a a cavity search God help whoever gets that gig they might find VI ramas Swami living up there it's a ke or elf the judge made it very clear today that incarceration is truly a last resort but this is getting real you know they still haven't figured out what to do about the Secret Service if they have to lock them up they might have to go to prison too can you imagine that you work your whole life to become a secret service agent assigned to protecting the president of the United States somehow you wind up doing 12-hour shifts in a prison cell with count flatula over the weekend one of Trump's alleged former Mistresses Karen McDougall the former Playboy Playmate who's she had a story about a year-long affair she had with trump it was purchased specifically to be buried by Trump's buddy at the national Inquirer she posted a picture of the book catch and kill while she was in a bathtub in what appears to be a private dining room at the Cheesecake Factory I don't know that's got to make them a little nervous every time she thinks of their affair she has to bathe Karen is expected to testify later this month you know we've been talking about stormy so much we forgot about Karen which would be fun for Milani you know on Saturday Trump uh he hosted an at Mar Lago for wealthy donors it was a luncheon that included around a dozen potential running mates all of whom are auditioning to be his number two on the exciting New Reality competition show so you think you can Pence only Donald Trump could end up with a running mate and a cellmate in the same month but among the hopefuls are Marco Rubio Elise stonic JD Vance and South Dakota governor Christy gnome who I really love that she thinks she still has a shot I mean she had a shot she used it on her dog and now there's no way Trump is going to pick Christy gome but he wants to keep her around in case one of the other lap dogs stops obeying his commands Christy can drag him to the rock quarry and put him down you know every time I I've talked about this a few times I always feel like half the audience thinks I'm kidding about the dog killing stuff I'm not kidding Christy gome has a book coming out tomorrow in which she brags about shooting her own puppy and not just a puppy this ndal Maniac also murdered her goat you put it in a part of a chapter called bad day to be a goat and then after you shot the dog you quote realized another unpleasant job needed to be done writing about shooting her puppy her goat and three horses might be the most damaging unforced error anyone has ever made not since Plaxico burus of the New York Giants shot himself in the leg outside a nightclub to end his season and do 20 months of jail has a high-profile human being done this much damage to herself and now she's trying to spin it like the Ghost Rider somehow screwed her over which I don't maybe the Ghost Rider was the Ghost of the goat we don't know and not only did she admit to shooting her pets she also lied about meeting Kim Jong-un you talk about meeting some world leaders quote I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un I'm sure he underestimated me having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants I've been a children's Pastor after all did you meet Kim Jong-un well you know as soon as this was brought to my attention um I certainly uh made some changes and looked at uh this this passage and I've met with many many world leaders so I'm glad that this book is being released in a couple of days and that those edits will be in place and that people will will have the updated version so you did not with Kim jung-un that's what you're saying no I've met with many many world leaders many world leaders I'm not going to talk about my specific meetings with world leaders I am saying that this book is uh very very good and I've met with many world leaders that's right she saying all she's trying to say is the book is very very good and she's met with many world leaders none of them being Kim Jong-un why would she even claim this she's like the female George Santos although sometimes George Santos is the female George Santos so and by the way it's a shame that it's really kind of a shame she didn't meet Kim Jong-un because if anyone would be on her side when it comes to dog killing I mean that's the guy so now even though she wrote it in her book she won't say whether or not she met Kim Jong-un if you have to retract it politicians parts of it I'm not I'm not retracting anything I'm not retracting anything which is interesting because the publisher announced at the request of governor known we are removing a passage regarding Kim Jong oh wait is that what retracting means okay in that case I guess we are retracting something you know Churchill down Saturday they had the 150th Kentucky Derby a horse one this year which is cool and um it's really a dramatic finish with the lead of the final 16th Forever Young SE leod is coming these three coming down to the wire who's it going to be oh was she has to be stopped [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 935,793

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, Netflix, Tom Brady, Roasts, Donald Trump, Trump, Michael Cohen, Hush Money Trial, Criminal Trial, Gag Order, Melania, Mar-A-Lago, Mike Pence, republicans, Democrats, Kristi Noem

Id: mhgnPCKiJJ8

Length: 8min 11sec (491 seconds)

Published: Tue May 07 2024