Randy Buys a Bookshelf on Gumtree THE COMPLETE SAGA (animatic)

i bought a bookshelf on gumtree recently um it was an amazing experience i'll quickly tell you about it and then i read the book but i found it strange because it it made me start to think about the way like our methods of communication have sort of changed over the years you know in the old days if you wanted a bookshelf you'd just go see gareth the bookshelf guy because he was the dude in your tribe that made the bookshelves he had a little bookshelf cave he was reputable now any mad bastard can sell their [ __ ] on gumtree you know what i mean as a species we're sort of able to cope with knowing and gossiping about around like 100 or 150 people that's like the limit of our tribe any more than that it starts to get confusing which is why we created abstract constructs like territories and deities to unite larger groups of people under an imaginary common factor and it works a treat because we only really gather on mass on special occasions but i think like social media and it's [ __ ] all that up you know i don't think we're we're able to deal with the thousands of people we're connected to on a daily basis and as a result we neglect our immediate 150 you know that's why i never get invited to parties anymore it's not because i ramble on about veganism and fisting old ladies it's because i'm not on facebook and everybody just assumes you are i am so behind on the births deaths and marriages of my friends that i feel like the time traveler's wife every time i go to a party i'm like this is dad tim he's our son he's six now [ __ ] didn't even know you were pregnant anyway and you know smartphones aren't that great you know that right they're not they're not that great you don't need the internet in your pocket you work at coles okay you're not working for the president you don't need it you don't need that much information and also what was the point of developing opposable thumbs for you to take a photo of your head and post it on the internet and then just stand by for validation no one gives a [ __ ] about your head they'll only validate it in order to gain permission to post a photo of their own head on the internet and stand by for validation the people who give a [ __ ] about your head will at some point see it in real life [ __ ] your head and the neck it wrote in on your vanity is sucking up my bandwidth anyway this is what's going through my head as i'm on gumtree looking for a bookshelf because oh you know when you put something in on the on the in like in the search and butcher in book free what the [ __ ] when you put something in the search on gumtree and having a stroke up here um yeah when you put something in the search right and and like there's always a couple of things that come up in the list that are like the polar opposite of what you search for i'm like get out of my head gumtree algorithms conspiracy no but seriously you tell your type it's like bookshelf and it's like bookshelf bookshelf bookshelf gramophone bookshelf bookshelf bookshelf combine harvester what the [ __ ] that's actually a pretty good price anyway on this particular day i found two bookshelves that worked for me in terms of cost and more importantly geographical convenience because i'd be [ __ ] if i'm driving at broad meadows to pick up a bookshelf right so i type in bookshelf and i see the two things and i'm like okay one seller is kathy the other is morgan i send them both the same text message hello i saw your bookshelf on gumtree is it still available kathy texts back straight away saying sorry it went this morning that's cool cathy i'm sorry i gave you an annoying voice in the retelling of this story morgan's response came through a couple of minutes later and simply read it was my wife's bookshelf how do you respond to that aside from the fact that it doesn't answer my [ __ ] question his use of past tense in that sentence unnerved me slightly i'm like oh i should probably just find another bookshelf and then i noticed he lived in the suburb next to me so i replied is it still available he responded with the letter y just a why is he asking me why i want to know if it's still available or is it a wi-fi yes and he's so in the throes of grief that he can't manage the e and the s i assume it's a y for yes so i respond cool i'll take it when's a good time to come and pick it up no reply for 15 minutes i'm like he's forgotten about me [ __ ] it i'll find another bookshelf and then when his reply actually does come through i realized he spent those 15 minutes crafting his response because it's a [ __ ] thesis he must have felt so bad about only using a single consonant in his previous text that he just massively over compensated with this one also for some reason felt that the use of punctuation entirely unnecessary so it's just one obscenely long sentence which reads you must come and pick up now i only have short time here at house and also it wide so bring van or trailer and their stare but i can help you carry downstairs if you come park out front walk up past ring bell and i will help you carry it to trailer or van i only accept cash and if you do not come now i will sell it someone else [Music] again i'm thinking i should just find another bookshelf at this point but now i am fascinated by morgan and i simply must meet the man so i drive over to his house oh before i left i sent him a message saying cool i'll be there in 10 minutes he replied okay but spelted o-k-a-y which just fascinated me more that he'll use four letters to spell a two-letter word but only one letter to spell a three-letter word morgan is off the [ __ ] chain and as i'm driving over to his house i'm trying to picture what he's gonna be like you know his pigeon english might suggest ethnicity of some sort but i don't want to racially profile him maybe he's an old man who recently lost his wife and is not that very good at texting or maybe and i'm really hoping this is the case morgan is just batshit crazy so i get to his house and i go up to the i park out front walk up path ring bell and i i braced myself for the door to be opened by like an old man in a smoking jacket wearing fishnet stockings and suspenders just puffing on an opium pipe while a butler just creepily polishes a goldfish in the background and then a tiny pug dog wearing a fez hat just trots up the hallway sits on the mat looks up at me and says come to our lovely room and then the door opens and i am thoroughly disappointed before me stands an average caucasian male in his mid-30s dressed casually hipster chic stubble glasses with designer frames expensive watch i immediately think architect but the house is too cheesy for that it's like a double story doll's house with bay windows but definitely a designer of some kind maybe a graphic designer he's too skinny for manual labor he's too hip for the public sector but this can't be morgan because morgan's text messages would suggest that he's not that technically savvy and then the man standing in front of me says hello my name's morgan and the plot begins he invites me in shakes my hand closes the door and 20 minutes later i will be witnessing morgan perform some of the most aggressive acts of violence i've ever seen in my life and i will be speeding away in my car bleeding from the face here's how this [ __ ] went down i go into the house and i noticed two things immediately one this is a house in the throes of renovation nothing too extreme but there's like drop sheets on all the furniture there's freshly painted walls there's a bathtub wrapped in plastic in the hallway awaiting installation someone's doing some work on this house the second thing i notice on the way up the stairs to the second floor on the first floor landing is a wedding photograph featuring a very cleanly shaven morgan with a very beautiful bride very much in love the photograph is very much on the floor and the glass in the frame is very much smashed she's not dead she's left him and the plot thickens a bit more for morgan and this morgan unceremoniously like kicked the photo frame to one side on the way up the stairs i really wanted to pry into morgan's life and ask heaps of inappropriate questions but he was clearly a broken man he had this terrible air of sadness around him so i didn't want to intrude luckily for me though i didn't have to because morgan immediately began over sharing and told me the whole [ __ ] story ah thank you morgan i shall hang off your every word and then retell your tale to 200 strangers and record it for a [ __ ] dvd he is a graphic designer yes and he's really good at it he does like massive rebranding campaigns for large corporations he gets flown all over the world doing this [ __ ] right about four years ago a woman hired morgan to rebrand her florist business and he did such a great job she married him and he thought everything was just fine until about three months ago morgan had to do a presentation in sydney right but he was on his way home from overseas and he got stuck in dubai due to a flight cancellation so rather than cancel the meeting morgan suggested to these businessmen in sydney that they do a skype chat because he's so technologically savvy despite his [ __ ] baffling text message stuff so morgan checks into a hotel cracks open his laptop and starts skyping with this room full of businessmen in sydney who are all watching morgan on a massive screen on their boardroom wall right and everything's going great morgan is totally nailing it until about halfway through he realizes that a file he wants to show these dudes is on the desktop of his home computer back in his home office in melbourne and he decides to live share the desktop of his home computer on the skype chat he knows how to do that he can control his computer remotely from anywhere in the world it's not particularly new technology but morgan makes it sound so impressive so this room full of businessmen are all watching keenly like ah margaret bring in some biscuits there's some newfangled [ __ ] going on in here as morgan clicks a few buttons and brings up the desktop of his home computer on the skype chat now what morgan doesn't realize is that his wife has been using the photo booth app on that particular computer to take pictures of herself to take naked pictures of herself to take naked pictures of herself doing some pretty [ __ ] up [ __ ] it's embarrassing to say the least just as margaret came back in with the biscuits now those of you who are familiar with the photo booth app will know that how it works is it accesses the built-in camera in your computer and with a click of a button takes a photo of you when you're standing in front of the screen and if you know that you'll also know that if you leave that application open the camera also stays open witnessing whatever may be happening in front of the computer in real time such as your wife in your home office [ __ ] your best mate [Music] morgan then goes on to tell me she's keeping the house his former best mate is moving in and while they're out for the day happily shopping for fittings morgan must suffer the indignity of moving his [ __ ] out and selling the stuff they don't want on gumtree to this guy oh it's at this point of the story that morgan starts crying he breaks down and i do not blame the man it's [ __ ] horrible and i just want to give him a big hug and say everything's going to be all right morgan but i am holding the full weight of a bookshelf halfway down a set of stairs and morgan is the only thing stopping that bookshelf from caving my face and i was like [Music] and morgan managed to pull himself together for about eight seconds and then just went and let the bookshelf go i fell backwards it literally rolled over me and took out the light hanging above the staircase i'm now lying on my back getting showered in broken glass because the bookshelf turned end over enter just went flunk right through a freshly painted wall at the bottom of the stairs [Music] i've got a tiny cut on my forehead which is just piercing blood for some reason apart from that i'm fine morgan however he's not fine morgan is the opposite of vine something happened when the bookshelf lodged itself in the wall and his sadness just went away in a second and he started pissing himself laughing hysterical and he had the creepiest love i've ever heard in my life i'm standing on this he's weird and he's going [Applause] all right like some sort of demonically possessed baritone kookaburras [Applause] we extracted from the wall the bookshelf incidentally showing no sign of having just rolled down a staircase and smashed through a wall we carried out to my car we had to stop about six times because morgan was like hang on a minute we got it to my car put it on the trailer and morgan was in such a great mood he let me have the bookshelf for free [Applause] and that's where the story should end but there was something about the bookshelf going through the wall that flipped a [ __ ] switch in morgan's head and he is now hungry for more destruction so as i started tying the bookshelf down to my trailer morgan just strolls over to like an upright mailbox on the front lawn and just starts trying to wrench it out of the ground just really putting his back into it [Music] i'm like are you okay buddy he's like yep he pulls it out of the ground whereupon he wields it like a [ __ ] battle axe and just starts smashing up the front garden just beheading the daisies [ __ ] up the lavender i'm like oh hey morgan maybe you want to stop and think about that and he wheeled around and looked at me like jack nicholson chasing shelley duval up the stairs in the shining and said when you mind your own [ __ ] business yep yep cool man now i like tying knots i'm quite good at tying knots if i tie something down i take my time because i want it to stay there but as morgan nonchalantly strolled up the driveway rolled up the garage door and put the mailbox through the windscreen of an audi i must admit i kind of rushed my not-tying job i got in the car i'm about to drive off i'm like looking at the house going ah i'm sure it'll be fine and then an armchair smashed out of an upstairs window and just went going going going down the front lawn i was like what's my duty of care in this situation i didn't want to call the cops on him i didn't want him to trash the house i'm like damn [ __ ] i'm gonna have to talk to morgan so i got out i walked up the driveway [ __ ] myself you know when someone does something really violent and you're just like duff [ __ ] we're not supposed to do [ __ ] like that yucky just yucky feeling in my tum tum and i'm standing there standing there in the garage and there's like an adjoining door in the garage that leads into the house i can see in through that through the door into the house up the staircase it's like a wooden staircase and i'm standing in the garage just going yeah morgan muggy like i was calling a cat for its dinner like muggy money monkey monkey monkey and then i noticed a small trickle of water start to come from the top step and then a little bit more water and then and then quite a lot of water just pissing down the stairs like a shitty water feature i'm like ah that can't be right and then morgan appeared on the top step holding a hammer like this i was like wow he's like starts running at me wielding the hammer going man i'm like oh no man i just wanted to buy a bookshelf he's like run straight past me like where are you going he's like made a beeline for my car i'm like no man's stuff he's like stop it just stop he spins around and goes i just checked my phone she texted me 15 minutes ago saying she'll be here in 15 minutes we gotta go and gets into my car oh jesus [ __ ] me i run down the lawn get in the driver's seat i'm like what was with the water he goes ah i put plugs in all of the sinks and turned all the taps on i'm like oh that's [ __ ] he's like just drive i was like yeah i took off so quick rounded the corner at the end of your street and the bookshelf just went [Music] and exploded against the guard rail just exploded in a shower of badly tied knots and broken dreams so me and morgan just [ __ ] left it there like a little bread crumb for his ex-wife to find on the way home to her destroyed gingerbread house i dropped morgan at a train station i have never seen him again and that my friends is why i no longer shop on gumtree thank you very much thank you very much you know my favorite bit of that story i just made it up yeah it's not true there is no morgan it's very unsatisfying isn't it but i saw him in my head i saw morgan in my head why is it we can feel so robbed when someone tells us a story we just heard isn't true and yet so satisfied at the end of the fictional novel

Channel: The Pineapple from Outer Space

Views: 391,851

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Id: ZsfxRu7yYEw

Length: 20min 43sec (1243 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 23 2022