The truth about aisle four. | Randy Feltface Comedy

I'd been to the grocery store to purchase some groceries and I was musing on the origin of the word grosser and how it was originally used to describe a place which sold items in bulk or gross amounts and how that evolved and changed over the years to now where it's the place itself that's [ __ ] gross I think it's the distance between cause and effect I find most depressing at the supermarket every oak tree turned toilet paper every shark turned fish finger every art degree graduate turned shelf stacker 10,000 years of agricultural Innovation reduced to a rickety trolley full of food shaped science experiments and a clean up in aisle four always piss in Isle four it's a security camera blind spot and that distance between cause and effect is still there when you get home from the supermarket the deportation fearing Farm worker inhaling pesticides for three bucks an hour just so you can leave a tomato congealing in your crisper for long enough enough for it to figure out how to clamber out and call the cops my crisper is [ __ ] up man it's primordial in my crisper I recently sold the rights to my crisper to the BBC David aten is filming in my fridge as we speak and if I were a lesser man I would probably do a David aten impersonation at this point of the show but it's a slippery [ __ ] slope before you know it I'll be sitting on a couch across from Graham Norton awkwardly sweating my way through my best Matthew mccon or Owen Wilson impersonation longing for the days when all you needed to make it in comedy was a loud shirt and a versatile pair of eyebrows I have neither and I don't trust the variety in the supermarket too many [ __ ] things all of those specialty stores bulldozed for the soulless convenience of a One-Stop shop I recall as a child every product had its very own shop there was the [Applause] [ __ ] H Loop shop the [ __ ] Frozen peer shop that was of course before the Frozen pea man was arrested for selling his own chilled urine to the public Frozen pee actual PE that's been frozen okay listen melbour no look you're not going to get a frozen urine joke of that caliber anywhere within the greater Melbourne region on a Friday night that joke's worth the price of admission and what I'm sensing tonight is you don't [ __ ] deserve that joke my point is I find it inherently unnatural stocking items at extreme opposite ends of the good Spectrum side by side in the one place did we learn nothing from the wet Market it's disgusting but I needed a 9volt battery a tin of shortbread biscuits a bag of mandarines and a coat hanger so what am I going to do I'm not making multiple stops do I look like a postman don't answer that I do look a little bit like a postman in case you're wondering I used neither trolley nor basket because I prefer carrying too many things if there are things to be carried I'll [ __ ] carry them but there must be too many of them and I wish to carry them all at once I want to cut off my circulation I would like to dislocate several of my fingers there better be a [ __ ] staircase involved and when I reach my destination I want to drag those items Across the Threshold like I'm a field Medic in a World War II film stay with me godamn it I ain't losing you now godamn you we got to get you home to Bessy l oh no godamn [Music] so I'm at the self checkout I always use the self checkout when I'm at the supermarket you know how at the supermarket now you can poop your own [ __ ] you know how they let you do your own [ __ ] sorry I was just having a flashback to a joke I wrote in 2009 that was weird did you see that what was that so I'm at the self checkout and um I pretend to scan my goods and I pretend to pay for them and I go out on the street

Channel: Randy Feltface

Views: 63,919

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Id: BsCcT66YPXM

Length: 5min 52sec (352 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 07 2024