RaccoonEggs Funny Moments 4

here you want me to go off yeah I want you to go off I want to see actually how you play do you want me to kick you into full gear yes please wait I want to kill you so bad so [Music] I wanted to take my dog for a walk but I didn't feel like walking myself so what I did was I took that [ __ ] on a leash and I got in the driver's seat of my car and I slammed the door shut on the leash so my dog is outside of the car now I was inside [Laughter] oh my god dude I couldn't keep it [ __ ] straight [Music] and whoever whoever found my credit card just spend it on Minecraft realms what the [ __ ] are you crying don't make me pull out my gay sex noise please don't Jacey I'm actually on my hands and he's begging not not for you to not play it but I'm I'm on my hands and he's begging for something else and what would that be right here uh gay sex just tell me it's just a weird sound effect it's a weird Santa thanks boys sounds like you're in distress but you can't say it like I'm [ __ ] drowning I'm leaving this stream's raccoon thank you Walter the snack I have become slapped you know I'm falling I'm getting moved I'm collected oh my God thank you for the best sorry how please could you forgive me drunk if my mom I like taping a kebab skewer to the front of my car and then [ __ ] going 50 miles per hour through a school zone I'm trying to make a club yeah sorry space dad I was taking hit of some mids what are we talking about smoker Bean yeah Coffee Bean nice get me down from the [ __ ] swing the frogs are turning the [ __ ] water gay you know if you keep shaving your pubes like they'll eventually start growing back like really strong it'll be like [ __ ] Velcro yeah like yeah I have no experience with that yeah I bet I could suck Dr Phil's [ __ ] so good that he would change his whole life and just ramp himself around my finger I feel like his mustache would tickle my unimentionables I feel like I could suck Dr Phil's [ __ ] so hard that all of his mustache hairs would stand straight up oh [Music] what on Earth are you doing [Laughter] whoa this is the dude I would let [ __ ] my wife I like getting my mom to [ __ ] my wife and then sitting there with a whip and cracking it every time they go too slow for my life that's hot hey Paulie do you think it'd be possible for somebody to commit suicide by hanging himself with a pasta noodle oh if they spill it up a hot coffee on their ass Olive Garden it's a [ __ ] bad place you probably hang yourself with an Olive Garden breadstick those are pretty thick and sticky I am not real do not get wrecked I am Get Wrecked read the [ __ ] name adjust your contacts oh GG guys I'm um saving oh play this [ __ ] [ __ ] Alexa flush Alexa wipe my ass [Laughter] Plant Man I just indulge a lot of my time into gardening think about what you just said for a second I like to put a traffic cone on my head look in the mirror and pretend I'm a toothpick you find nothing wrong with that was a [ __ ] reggaeton dude there's two too long is that like a Jamaican Pokemon before you leave can I give you a blessing uh of course my friend oh my God also before I leave I could feel better do any cool Impressions yeah um can you guys do anything we just said the exact same way yeah you you said it normal now but yeah every time I see an Asian put a coin in a vending machine it's like they're having a staring contest until you get on a train and the train catches fire I hope you get on an elevator and just Falls sometimes I None in my rain gutter and try and see how far it will go yeah I did that once and then lo and behold the [ __ ] TMNT was born what's the worst thing the worst thing I've ever eaten yeah and they're supposed to be one yet a dollar dude [ __ ] ass Eminem there you go I got it Round of Applause to fix pat on the back gold medal I don't have it back jokes on you nerd [ __ ] you don't have a bank what do you like Ricky Berwick [ __ ] hell we need some sexual ASMR videos if I like a girl like rubbing her tumor against him like rubbing my stillborn's head against the mic else you're gonna do with them I guess you could use your stillborn kit as like a door holder if nothing else just tries to open doors so the girl I've been talking to stopped talking to me and uh I tried to get a hold of one of her friends and they said that she didn't even talk about me what do we do listen here beastly it's her lust okay you might be thinking that you're nothing you're just a half of a human being without that girl but let me tell you something all right you're much better off without her if she doesn't even have the time of day to think about you at all then you're better off without her just brush her off your shoulder and find someone who will give you the time of day all right one day she'll look in the mirror and realize that she's the one that's become half of a human being without your delicate touch at night beside her all right you walk that [ __ ] off you go to the gym and you work out and feel better about yourself than you ever did when you were with that said second [ __ ] you understand me dude that wasn't like a genuinely good motivational speech want this [ __ ] all right all right so how does she what does she like just get Barefoot and mash the potatoes with her feet no no no no no no no no no no no I should get Nick tomato same thing I should roll a wrap okay so she she rolls around on the on the okay like a rolling pin yeah no like a [ __ ] amiibo okay okay where's pink pink pink pink where is pink is that that's that's like a magenta I'm not gonna make it [ __ ] [ __ ] blue how do you get up there crowd's jump my Crouch is Unbound now what yellow [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] where's Yola oh okay you want me to get you off right now can you reach your hands under the desk yes I do not have chlamydia on my feet how dare do you throw around such allegations take the punches because it makes you more of a man that's the worst part though JC is that it's not even punches he just straight up takes out a pool noodle and smacks me with it I'm gonna bruise you [ __ ] you're gonna look I'm gonna get some when I'm done with you you're gonna look like a grape you're [ __ ] I think I've got the odds yeah my boy rankoon over here he has he has the odds you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] so are you all cute together or something no no we're we're cute together we've been recording guys to make things [ __ ] gay what was that between you and me I can make some weird sounds with my belly button you ever heard a sound and you you're like I can't put my finger on it or my ears oh hey I can do that stand with my belly button too as well got him what are you laughing so hard I feel like I missed the joke here I was trying too hard so I said again [Laughter] no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no look at his lips I like trying to bust a nut and have it land perfectly in the center of my belly button but it's really hard to to nail that trajectory you know I gotta get that downstairs it really is I'm also scared that one of these times they'll accidentally come and it'll just land right back in my dick and I'll get pregnant [Laughter] getting into like a domestic dispute with your mic you want to go have a picnic at Mount table foreign if you live in the future why didn't you warn us about 9 11. I think there's people that actually thought that yeah I can't wait to escape this Mortal vessel and be able to look down and laugh at my dying body just laugh at all the nurses trying to recess TV people that use the p2k are the kind of people that lick their fingers before turning the page in a book [Music] it's like a [ __ ] stray dog coming out of an alley [Laughter] cops have a chunk of its brain [Laughter] there's a video of an amputee rolling your blood a perfect blunt I'm not joking look it up no with their stubs is he black [ __ ] looks like Manute Bol yes he's rolling it with his mouth right now he's like holding it against his mouth with his dug and like rolling it with his tongue see like I I get what he's doing like it's cool and all but all I can think of is like that blunt must be covered in his saliva because he's you can tell he's like using his whole mouth like he's French kissing that [ __ ] to roll it watching this guy rule this blunt is literally like watching a horse eat peanut butter so every time you go up the ramp you get a new weapon or what pretty sure nope I think there's like really good guns in the center it's like a cornucopia oh hey how's it going what Simon Says stare at the ceiling and reminisce about your previous relationships [Music] [Laughter] hey did you guys know that uh giraffes give birth standing up I'm looking this up [Laughter] without my permission that's what happens [Music] you ever blown up an olive no I've never on that you idiot Vicky squeeze my grandpa's name is jumbo squeeze Titus F I hope you get Hepatitis l so you lose every rap battle I can't believe that people that were born in 2015 are going to be 13 years old next year do you think you could jerk off three people at once with a bowling ball there's there's no joke I'm just giving you all my pistol oh there you go I remember Sandy Hook that was my favorite episode of Earth yeah 911 was a pilot episode [Applause] [Laughter] why because it reminded it reminded him of Arnold's clock the man who was convicted of knife raping his wife oh my God you can't use that because it's [ __ ] a Norm Macdonald in the Middle East oh without a doubt do they use him for like horseshoes use them as wedding rings it is very tight you might need to put it on your pinky eating ass is unsanitary not if you wash your hands dumbass can you undo murder if I kill myself do I die if I was giving an answer it doesn't have to be a complete sentence what are you saying random white guys seriously can't understand what you're saying but the answer is literally all I hear is but at least he put in the [ __ ] effort [Applause] [Music] that's gonna be pretty hard to top I gotta say I don't know if he's gonna be able to take a shower beaver look like all right [Music] [ __ ] dog Bush Wookie has so much acne that he looks like a [ __ ] cookie it's a [ __ ] rap pot the lips got a bag full of [ __ ] lips ripping up [ __ ] like attention slips hoping to not slip up my words don't want to say some dumb [ __ ] sailing the river sailing seashells by the [ __ ] Seashore I'm poor as hell but I still want more just to get my foot through the door to be able to adore all the great things in life like having kids and a wife but at least I'm still Rife and rhymed like I tried ceratops nail clippers I ain't no waiters trying to rely off of tippers but I'm still waiting for the day that I can say I made it and I'll be celebrating and corroborating the meeting of gay hamsters I'm saving my savings for the paving of the path of the future mask off off the clocks Dr Seuss hops off my [ __ ] stalk the boat cause I still fit in a kid's shoe size styling off the Dome like a snow globe bathroom smoking on a fat loaf grown chocolate melting in my hands like the end of a joint hitting my ball points and on the paper drawing pictures of the mayor peeling The Vibes as I hit the [ __ ] pipe getting higher and higher THC in the lungs while my friends are all on speeds cause I need a reason to keep being asleep the meat take a seat speak and leave I'm huffing and puffing this good cush like the big bad wolf tell me uh [ __ ] Rolf Sartorius I would drop pick a baby for a smack on the SEC running up and down these rhymes like an anteater speeding the flow wearing nothing but a wife beater tripping balls off this low like I just drank a glow in the dark stick sticking this lyrical dildo in your ear so you can hear how rapping is done masterful from The One and Only Get Wrecked step back cut me slack call me super hot fire cause I'm not a rapper but I'm looking pretty dapper when I fling away the rapper to my family-sized bag of M M's but Eminem's got nothing on me because on gec r-a-c-e-d and when I'm having sex with a beat you should not [ __ ] with me but I aspire to aim higher and poke holes in these wannabe rappers like Bush Wookie we talking mad smack but the rap lacks drive by shoot your ass in my Cadillac take Flack like a man and don't cry when your dad doesn't come back get [ __ ] destroyed I will do I will do a rap wait sir I gotta be honest here bar for bar I think Wilkie won you know yeah I actually have to agree with that statement see as soon as I heard wookie's rap I was like yeah he's just gonna knock me out of the [ __ ] Park he's something else man he's a prodigy you ever like like unplug and plug your grandma's life support back in over and over just when I try to make a beat with the heart monitor yo Seth Rollin and James duranco up Ward James Durango and Seth Rollin I want to know what's even scarier than the Illuminati the Illuminati oh I'm not laughing at that I couldn't buy any candy so I just said at a bowl filled with mustard and a spoon oh that's harsh if you ever wonder if your genetics are just like selected by somebody spinning a [ __ ] wheel like it's a game show no now it's time to spin the wheel of retardation oh come on normal oh come on oh you got autistic you can for the price of two birth control pills you can re-spin we'll kill you dude suddenly the gangster version yeah blank Santa he just gives you a lump of coal and then you dust it off and realize it's his kid I love walking down the block with a pistol and shooting all the Rainbow Flags that one's for narrator it's gonna [ __ ] waffle stomp his self-esteem down the drain waffle stuff it's a waffles a waffle stomp that's where you uh you take a [ __ ] in the shower and then you stomp it down the drain [Laughter] oh my God it's [ __ ] nuts I bet you're the kind of [ __ ] [ __ ] that rules out the ChapStick and takes a bite cat and his sister gets picked for the Hunger Games everyone in the audience just dabs I bet you will put your gum on the top of the desk and specific [Laughter] hostage and ostrich has been rescued last night has been rescued Austin Jones has been bailed out of prison [Laughter] Counter-Strike sexual offender [ __ ] in the woods come on dude your dad shits in the woods should I order a pizza I'll order you Pizza Hut again you will yeah dead ass I don't give a [ __ ] about your health center squares I'm on my hands and knees you're begging customize customize you fat Sad Sack of learning I'm getting you a salad I'm getting you a family salad [Laughter] cutting 16. no cut fooled the entire Pizza in half and eat it like that all right that's it cash good luck no no no no no no no no no no okay I think I'm good what the [ __ ] are you doing you'll hit him one of these times rack I'm sure of it [ __ ] of course I will look at the name of my gun oh my God holy [ __ ] here I have a weapon for you let's drop something [Laughter] hello everybody and welcome back to 92.1 FM surf radio I'm I'm joined here as always by my lovely co-caster nitrogue thanks I'm not your co-caster anymore uh nitrog why don't you why don't you stop being a shy little [ __ ] and get back to the commentator booth I gave you a [ __ ] 100 schmeck of Rose hundred dollars and you wanna sign into my account and uh get me to level 100. why do you guys talk about Vinnie like he's no longer with us what happened we don't talk about Vinnie anymore oh my heart goes out to Vinnie and I hope that in heaven he is uh doing Bank Strokes in an infinite sea of spaghetti and meatballs I'm sure he was I had a cat named Vinnie it is a pretty good cat until it uh froze outside during the winter yo does anyone do you want the golden knife huh go get it yourself you don't need a gold knife when you already have a golden heart got him [Music] if I ever go to your mom's house um I'm gonna bring a bone filled with chocolate to give to your dog all right next time I go to your mother's house for the hundredth time I'm gonna bring a bone covered in chocolate for her but dude that's my face after I eat a Triscuit with cream cheese [Music] that's one of those jokes that I'm not laughing at he's so gay he rests right back around to being interested in girls what if you were so gay that you wanted [ __ ] as a friend [Laughter] and then like I know that you can make artificial semen by mixing glue with Capri Sun hello like in my head I just saw the TRN just make sure you use tropical punch Capri Sun I celebrate 420 not because of weed but because that's when Columbine happened do you celebrate by yourself or you know no I celebrated with my school I just hit him with a [ __ ] Scout what are you talking about okay all right he divorced you so you were married to your uncle how did this relationship come to be this isn't spending time on me he was too busy at work and he got home and drank no so he was out he was busy [ __ ] people that weren't his nephew how dare he I will be voting for Bobby Shmurda wait hold on fuzzy duckling I rolled a three it's you gotta cough up the left nut but I'm sorry I'm gonna need to see that left nut all right remember no I'm gonna jiggle my nuts all right time I'm going to sleep all right catch you later do you have Where the Wild Things Are because you want that all right let me get it Where the Wild Things Are Morris sendek oh yes the night wore his wolf suit and made Mischief of one kind and another his mother called him Wild Thing and Max said I'll eat you up so he was sent to bed without eating anything that very night in Max's room of forest grew and grew and grew until his ceiling hung with vines and the walls became the world all around and an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max and he sailed off through night and day and in and out of weeks and almost over a year to Where the Wild Things Are and when it came to the place where the Wild Things Are they roared their terrible Roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws till Max said be still entamed with the magic trick of staring into all their yellow eyes without blinking once and they were frightened and called him the most Wild Thing of all and made him king of all Wild Things and now cried Max let the wild rumpus start now stop Max said and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper and Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all then all around them from far away across the world he smelled good things to eat and he gave up being king of Where the Wild Things Are but the Wild Things cried though please don't go we'll eat you up we'll love you so and Max said no the Wild Things reward their terrible Roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws but Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and Into the Night of his very own room where he founds his supper waiting for him and it was still hot at the end that actually made me really tired to be honest it's gonna sleep like a [ __ ] baby I got [ __ ] tired reading that bro maybe if he had an autistic dad you'd turn out autistic too because your dad thinks that your mother's pregnant stomach is like a big red button that you're supposed to press it's kind of kind of unpleasant to think about if anything I should start a makeup Channel and an actual company because my name is JC James Charles I had a makeup channel before like five years ago but it got shut down because I tried using black Foundation the iron clutch that's my favorite what I'm crucial in the election did you guys vote for Hillary clutch stop stop whoever is playing Rick Rolling to the mic I want to say you're a comedy genius comedy genius and I can even hear my own Voice through your microphone it's pretty nice now the music's gone that I can hear his electric fly trap in the background yeah it sounds like somebody's ski masking yeah it's like the equivalent of cracking open a cold one with a cardboard cutout s your bathroom mats that you put next to your shower so when you get out of the shower you drip the water onto the Moss and it's it's so nice nice I can pee on the floor now [Music] don't worry he won't answer thank you and bread 5.7 miles away yeah that's not gonna happen should I walk okay so are you gonna go drive six miles for your Panera Bread no I'm gonna crawl you ever played bingo with a five by five square of all free spaces I got home around 3 P.M I watched about four hours of [ __ ] porn edit my video for a bit and then hopped on surf and uh did you actually Climax from the [ __ ] porno you just [ __ ] before I was thinking um yeah if it's it's no nut November so I just edged about when my hamster died I wanted to cremate it and turn it into ashes but uh I couldn't afford like a cremation service so I I just put it in a sock and flung it around my room banish it against the wall a few times until it was broken up into small enough chunks to where I could pass him off his ashes that's really [ __ ] up raccoon my parents used to beat me so hard that I thought the sound of a whip cranking was my name sponsored by Schick hydrobot that's what it was sponsored by Dr Seuss Hickory Dickory Dock the mouse sucked off my [ __ ] fetty WAP sucks donkey dick wait fetty WAP isn't that a kind of cheese no you no you what if they keep updating the Apple logo every like 30 years to take another bite out of the apple and then by the time it's like 2200 their logo is just a [ __ ] apple core what happens when it gets the apple core where do they go from there I don't know they start sucking on the stem sucking on the stem yo French how are you doing welcome to the lobby to the flips video you sound like you're having a stroke you're right there buddy you're probably the kind of dumb ass that like Vapes in line for airport security ah okay no response get out of here you want to know that guy's name what I I [ __ ] you not his name is qualius magalgas I remember Roman times when they'd make babies fight to the death in the Coliseum Good Times good times so it's Chipotle like a chain restaurant yeah Chipotle is the name of the chain that was hanging out for Kunta kita's ankle you know how a pro-lifers try to convince pregnant women to not abort their fetus by like showing them ultrasounds and like pictures of the life I feel like they should do the same thing with guys just like a stick a tube up their urethra and show them the sperm floating around their sick okay so when now I'm watching a video of somebody rolling a cigarette with their feet and their toenails are [ __ ] disgusting [Laughter] because he has a legit life it's been four months with no upload right okay let's go back in time to the beginning of YouTube all right I love you I've been making videos since I was like seven years old alright I always wanted to make comedy videos I always wanted to find creative ways to make people laugh and I did that through many years many different channels many different identities until I came to Raccoon eggs and I started doing commentary when I was like 16 or 17. and then I started to shift more towards like trying to make people laugh in video games and there was always something magical about sharing laughs with people you've never met in your life okay how do you turn off the freaking music I'm a drop Hiroshima on you if you don't yo don't [ __ ] up it's fine it's fine hard to shut the [ __ ] up yeah so when I was like 16 or 17 I started to shift more towards making people laugh in games and um because I always thought there was something like magical about sharing a laugh with somebody you're meeting for the first time and somebody you'd probably never meet again in your life right so um these videos are like what got Traction in the in the beginning and they're the reason that I was able to quit my job and be able to do YouTube as a full-time job and I love making the videos I loved editing them I loved uploading them seeing all the positive feedback and support and a big part I think of what made them work and what set them apart from anybody else that would do that same genre of video was that I didn't try to force it I didn't try to like join a server and just try to like force a reaction you know tell shitty jokes um it was always like I wanted to talk to people I wanted to get to know them a little bit and let the jokes happen naturally where they were appropriate the same way you talk to anybody else yeah exactly I didn't want to you know wall myself off just to get content I wanted quality over quantity I wanted the Clips in the videos to actually feel human um but I started to notice over time that naturally the more attention my YouTube got the more attention I would get in CS go and started getting uh treated less and less like I was equal and more like I was put on a pedestal like I was above everybody and I was confused because the whole point of making the videos was never really to be above anybody it was and well you know as generic as it sounds to help people to make people laugh to spread positivity all that generic [ __ ] and to be able to do it uh because at the end of the day that's what made me feel good more than anything else in the world but more and more I would just get put on a pedestal and it was very uncomfortable and nerve-wracking and it was no longer that I was able to get to know people because everybody just wanted to get to know me instead nothing about my interactions with people felt human because nobody viewed me as a human and it might sound like some boohoo I'm famous [ __ ] but it goes deeper than like you know a rich kid crying that the car their dad got them is the wrong color uh the way I interacted with strangers was literally the basis of the fame in the first place and it's frustrating to realize that what got you to where you are today is slowly fading into the past especially if it's not your fault and it can be very easy to let that turn into anger and resentment towards people and I certainly did and for a while I was in denial and I figured that if I just kept pushing if I just kept joining servers and forcing jokes maybe I'd be able to go back to the good old days maybe I'd be able to go back to the days where I was just equal everything was chill and there was no impossibly high expectations from everybody I met and I could just talk and connect with the everyday person without getting special treatment uh the way I always had before and I've been in that state of denial for months I'm starting to realize now though uh after talking to a lot of friends and you know getting some scents slapped into me that for my own sake I need to come to terms with the fact that the era of making videos interacting with strangers is over whether like whether I like it or not because um the Real Pain lies in the certainty of not knowing what to upload after four months of silence and of course people are expecting that I'm working on something that is just like everything else I've ever done they want after four months of Silence they want you know of course I want to bring people a video of you know telling jokes and servers interacting with strangers Making Connections maybe even giving people advice but it's impossible when nobody wants to be themselves around you and insist on changing their personalities to impress you and so um basically completely lost you sound like Swagger Souls not wanting to bring people something completely different from what they expect after four months but also not being able to deliver what they expect in the first place so yeah that's basically why sorry I'm kind of in a Content crisis like but my life has been changed can we cut the emotional [ __ ] for a second then realize the fact that I just saved two minutes off my time foreign

Channel: Jomar1001001

Views: 368,163

Keywords: RaccoonEggs, raccooneggs, csgo funny moments, raccoon eggs, get racc'd, raccoon, Fitz, swaggersouls

Id: n9dz78QgcJM

Length: 40min 14sec (2414 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 09 2021