♪♪♪
>> Stephen: OH, HI. JUST DOING SOME CANDID
PHOTOGRAPHY. WELCOME BACK. Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
SOURCING THE FINEST AND FRESHEST NEWS CHARD, THE MOST TOPICAL
WILD CAUGHT SALMON, AND ORGANIC COMEDY GARNISHES, PORTIONING
THEM OUT PERFECTLY INTO SINGLE-SERVE RECYCLABLE
PACKAGES, AND CAREFULLY NESTLING THEM INTO AN ELEGANTLY-DESIGNED
LAMINATED BOX WITH A TRIAL-TESTED LOGO, COMPLETE WITH
PERFECT KERNING, TO SHIP OFF THE GOURMET BOURGEOIS MEAL KIT THAT
IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO FILL A
BOWL WITH SOME STALE LUCKY CHARMS, THROW IN THE COLD,
SWEATY FRIES FROM LAST NIGHT'S TAKE OUT BURGER, SHAKE THE
TRISCUIT DUST OUT OF THE BOX, AND TOSS IN THE LOOSE FLAVOR
PACKET FROM AN INSTANT RAMEN TO SERVE UP THE NUTRITIONALLY
DEFICIENT COLLEGE FRESHMAN HANGOVER STEW OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: (ECHOING)
>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE. QUARANTINE WHILE --
YESTERDAY, THE ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME ANNOUNCED ITS 2021
INDUCTION CLASS, INCLUDING LEGENDS LIKE CAROLE KING, TODD
RUNDGREN, TINA TURNER, AND FRIEND OF THE SHOW LL COOL J. LL COOL J, THAT'S GREAT. L.L. HASN'T RELEASED AN ALBUM IN
A WHILE, SO THAT IS QUITE -- >> DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
>> STEPHEN: I WAS GOING TO SAY ACHIEVEMENT. QUARANTINE-WHILE --
SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO BRING YOU NEWS ABOUT THINGS THAT CAN'T
POSSIBLY GO WRONG, SO I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT ANIMAL RESCUE HAS
RELEASED 1,000 FERAL CATS INTO CHICAGO'S STREETS TO COMBAT THE
CITY'S RAT PROBLEM. OR, AS IT WILL SOON BE KNOWN,
THE CITY'S CAT PROBLEM. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:
ANIMAL RESCUE SPAYS OR NEUTERS THE CATS AND THEN RELEASES THEM
BACK OUTSIDE TO SERVE AS RODENT CONTROL. THAT'S A BOLD PITCH. FIRST, I CUT OFF YOUR BALLS,
THEN, YOU DO ME A FAVOR. THIS IS ALL PART OF THE CITY'S
PROGRAM, CATS AT WORK. BECAUSE, IF THERE'S ONE THING I
ASSOCIATE WITH AN ANIMAL WHO SLEEPS 20 HOURS A DAY, IT'S
WORK. QUARANTINE-WHILE --
THIS NEXT STORY INVOLVES SOME LANGUAGE THAT'S GOING TO BE
BLEEPED FOR YOU AT HOME, BUT LET'S JUST SAY IT'S A
COMBINATION OF BUTT AND THE NAUGHTY WORD FOR A SEXUAL ACT,
ALL OF WHICH RHYMES WITH NUT TRUCKER. HERE WE GO:
IN MICHIGAN, A JUDGE RIPPED A DEFENDANT WHO LOGGED INTO A
COURT ZOOM WITH A (BLEEP) 3000 USERNAME. IN DEFENDING HIMSELF, THE MAN
SAID HE HAD NO IDEA HOW THAT BECAME HIS USERNAME, BUT DID
ADMIT IT'S THE PAIRING NAME FOR HIS BLUETOOTH SPEAKER. OKAY. THAT EXPLANATION ONLY RAISES
MORE QUESTIONS. JUST HOW ARE YOU PAIRING WITH
YOUR BLUETOOTH SPEAKER? QUARANTINE-WHILE --
SOUTH KOREAN COUPLES ARE WOOING EACH OTHER WITH TESLA STOCKS,
EXCHANGING STOCKS INSTEAD OF CHOCOLATES AND FLOWERS. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE
LIKE VOLATILE SHARE PRICES THAT HANG ON THE WORD OF AN ECCENTRIC
BILLIONAIRE WHO DANCES LIKE A MALFUNCTIONING ROOMBA. THIS TREND STARTED LAST YEAR,
WHEN A BROKERAGE AND INVESTMENT BANKING COMPANY ALLOWED PEOPLE
TO BUY STOCK GIFT CARDS FOR EACH OTHER. AND PRETTY SOON, AMONG YOUNG
DATERS TESLA WAS THE MOST-BOUGHT STOCK FOR GIFTGIVING. AND IF YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO GOT
YOUR LOVER TESLA STOCK INSTEAD OF A REAL GIFT, I HAVE A FEELING
YOU'RE GONNA BE MAKING LOVE ON AUTOPILOT. QUARANTINE-WHILE --
AH, AH, YOU WANT THEM TO BE HAVING REAL SERKS DON'T YOU? >> I DO. >> Stephen:
QUARANTINE-WHILE -- TIKTOK IS TESTING A TOOL FOR
BRANDS TO RECRUIT EMPLOYEES. BRANDS CAN POST JOBS, PRIMARILY
ENTRY-LEVEL LISTINGS, AND THEN USERS POST A TIKTOK VIDEO RESUME
TO THE SITE RATHER THAN A TRADITIONAL RESUME. SO, YOUR H.R. DEPARTMENT CAN
LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING A LOT OF QUALIFICATIONS VIA ASMR. (WHISPERING TAPPING FINGERS ON
MICROPHONE) HI, I HAVE A B.A. IN HISTORY FROM SKIDMORE. SPECIAL SKILLS INCLUDE --
(CRINKLES CHIP BAG) SHHH... WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SETH
ROGEN. ♪♪♪
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I find it fascinating how fast it has traveled even beyond the United States.
This is probably why Judge Middleton can't continue the stream damn Colbert blew up his spot.
I don’t get the allure of these shows… like, take something funny from elsewhere and put your unfunny commentary on it?
Almost seems like it’s explaining out the joke for boomers, but then they try to drop in ‘hip’ language to keep with the times too