Psychological Abuse Within Infidelity

[Music] this is for you men out there and I want you to be honest explore the possibility that you're being abusive by the way I understand this may also apply to women but I don't have to continually apologize for that gender if you were out with your partner and someone began physically assaulting them how would you react I believe the vast majority of us would go ballistic jump in and do whatever is necessary to protect them maybe I'm oldfashioned but I was taught it was my responsibility to protect my family and those around me which is why I feel so compelled to talk about this are you aware that lying minimizing telling your mate she's overreacting threatening intimidating your mate those are abusive behaviors in fact the wounds from a physical blow are going to heal much quicker than the wounds from psychological abuse and I'm not trying to shame anyone nor am I innocent from this sort of behavior years ago I had a cat made that reads president of the BBH club which stands for boils on the butt of humanity guys I was Shameless in the way I treated my wife but since I've grown up I want to be a real man someone I can respect rather than a Manchild who's either clueless about the impact of my actions on others or who's so narcissistic that I'm void of compassion and empathy and decency let me give a few examples if your mate gets upset when she catches you in a lie do you apologize and admit you were wrong for trying to deceive her or do you lie through your teeth accusing her of overreacting or maybe even Gaslight her by telling her she's seeing things if your made it gets upset because you fail to follow through with your agreements or commitments she's normal but your lack of Integrity when you tell her there's something wrong with her is disturbing if your mate somehow senses a shift in your relationship because you're acting out whether it's porn prostitutes an emotional physical Affair and they confront you asking what's wrong and you just walk away stonewalling them are you aware that's abusive do you manipulate your mate telling them how they could have responded better in their approaching you about that issue rather than owning that you could have handled things better by not doing it in the first place and just taking responsibility for the fact that you're screwed up do you accuse your mate of violating your privacy when she's actually responding to your own willingness to be transparent and to let her know what's going on do you tell your m she needs to just get over it when you've traumatized her by your betrayal when your mate accused you of cheating did you deny it and tell her she's seeing things and that she's always had a problem with jealousy or how about after she's betrayed and she has trouble believing you do you tell her that she just needs to get over it that you're doing everything right and that somehow she's overreacting would you respect her more if she agreed with you and let you get away with your seedy behaviors and abusing her in your relationship news flash you know what her response is normal yours isn't there's actually something right about getting angry about an injustice or a betrayal you know wanting to somehow fix figure out what's going on we humans have a built-in emotion called Shame and when we do something hurtful it's that feeling of shame or guilt that's an internal guide that lets us know that we need to make a course correction but there's something troubling when instead of being loving making that course correction being relational or at the very least protective we abuse through through our manipulation and if you think you're unique and that this doesn't apply to you because your intention isn't or wasn't to hurt them think again good intentions in no way minimize the psychological abuse inflicted by these behaviors I understand if your mat's asking you to watch this that there's a small possibility you're not being psychologically abusive through manipulation control gaslighting but I'd ask you to examine your past behaviors to determine if maybe there are other behaviors and other ways you've controlled her such as lies emissions and failures to actually communicate I want to acknowledge that your mate may also have issues but her bad behavior in no way justifies yours did you know that kids Learn To Lie by age three but when ask if they've lied the majority of them will admit it by age four however 80% will deny that they've lied younger children lie primarily not to be punished and actually want to be able to make their mates happy and they believe lying is bad because if you get caught you get punished but by school age another motivation emerges children learn that lying is a way to increase a child's power their sense of control they can manipulate Friends by teasing or bragging or asserting status and they learn that they can fool their parents young children actually process the risk of Lying by considering only their own self- protection not until age 11 do the majority demonstr rate an awareness of its harm to other people at that age 48% say the problem with lying is that it destroys trust and 22% it carries guilt but even then a third still say the problem with lying is being punished how is it that some of us never grew up and we still act like eight-year-olds thinking that it's okay to lie to avoid getting punished you know lying as a child it frustrates parents but lying in a committed relationship is psychologically damaging one of my deepest regrets before recovery was the psychological injury that I inflicted on my own wife in my attempts to protect my secret life every time she'd suspect something was wrong I'd accuse her of being jealous was paranoid that nothing was wrong that behavior was abusive instead of being able to trust her own gut instincts she began to believe something was wrong with her and it wasn't just damaging her do you know it robbed me of the opportunity to be truly loved by her because if you can't let someone un conditionally know you you'll never know whether or not you can be unconditionally loved behaviors such as lying deceiving blaming minimizing gaslighting aren't just disrespectful cowardly abusive but actually it's unmanly I personally believe that we as men were so much better than that in 1971 a film was released called lemons and it was a fictional depiction of that race during the movie Steve McQueen one of the drivers looks over to see a wreck that occurred and as he looks up there's a car right in front of him and he swerves to miss that car catches the guardrail goes back and forth several times between the guardrails totally trashes the car is taken off in a helicopter to make sure he's okay a few hours later he's brought back to the racetrack the race of course is still underway and the car owner turns to him and says are you okay and McQueen says yeah the guy turns back and says the car McQueen turns back and says I rode it off and at that moment I thought holy smoke that's how I want to be I want to be someone who can just say screwed up the problem is I recognized even at 18 that's not how I was if I had been McQueen in that situation I would have said well actually there was this guy rubbernecking watching this wreck that had occurred and I was about to rear end him and I would have killed the guy but somehow I was able to just barely swerve and miss him but then unfortunately I caught the guardrail and total the car but you know what I saved that guy's life I would have made myself the hero for riding off the car that's not who I want to be and the real question if you're watching this and you see that you know there are times that actually I am abusive I am someone that is you know misleading my mate and psychologically damaging those internal instincts that they have then you need to do something in the early 90s at the plainsburg national park in South Africa a problem developed where the young bull elephants were actually killing other animals at the water hole the solution was actually quite simple see back in the late 70s that Park had been seated with new elephants and brought in pregnant moms to help begin to regrow that population but there were no older bull elephants and once they brought in larger bull elephants you know what those teenage elephants suddenly stopped their Reckless Behavior they needed older bull elephants to actually help them change and become decent elephants and I believe the same is true of all of us I understand that there's a strong possibility those of us guilty of this sort of behavior don't know how to do anything different maybe we didn't see anything different as children but that doesn't make it okay change requires being with those who can model what being a true man of character looks like as well as surrounding oursel with others that are committed to that goal research is clear that it's healthy community that facilitates character development Integrity I need like-minded individuals that I can emulate in my journey to become whole you know to be a whole man and that's one of the primary reasons that I develop the hope hope for healing course at a fair recovery it actually highlights the thinking errors that we developed that allowed us to get away with being abusive it helps you understand the impact of your behavior on others it gives specific tools you can utilize to help your mate heal rather than continuing to traumatize her by the way there's also a hope for healing course for women my challenge to you today is just live out of your adult self be someone who your mate can respect someone that you can respect if you're guilty of these behaviors become someone who brings life to others not someone who sucking the life away from your family I hope you'll join me in that journey of becoming a whole man I'm Rick Reynolds founder and president of fair recovery to [Music] Healing

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 7,450

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: ZDZsCDwqrbI

Length: 14min 25sec (865 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 20 2024