The Truth About Lying

[Music] hey everybody I'm Wayne welcome back today I want to talk about a topic that comes up almost weekly in my sessions with couples struggling or trying to recover through infidelity and that's this topic about lying and questions I get daily almost almost daily weekly at least uh is why did my spouse lie how is it so easy for them to lie why do they keep lying that's the topic I want to address today and I want to First say that you've probably heard us say it before that we at AFF Fair recovery Define infidelity as the keeping of Secrets it's a breach of trust that can lead to the collapse of even the strongest relationships it's this complex issue with many underlying causes and it creates this Cascade of inter and intra relational turmoil and the most common and difficult elements that I hear from betrayed spouses for almost 20 years as they work through the the necessary steps of recovering from infidelity is that any kind of lie any kind of deception that the Wayward partner tells themselves and their partner is some of the worst for them to work through as well as any bits of uncertainty or the things that they don't know but we're going to talk about truth telling lying today so self-deception or lying is a cognitive process in which individuals convince themselves of a falsehood altering their vision of reality the coin side with their wants or their desires and their beliefs and generally speaking self-deception occurs when an individual has a strong desire to do something but they're unable to do it and the Wayward spouses will disregard they excuse minimize their actions even though somewhere or some part of them clearly knows it's a violation of an agreed upon moral cultural value and then they disregard it this is an example of self-deception that occurs in the context of infidelity and these intricate mental Maneuvers primarily motivated by this thing we call cognitive dissonance the need for moral justification and to resolve and preserve really our own image this term cognitive dissonance is a concept that was first used used by this guy named Leon festinger I think I'm saying his name right in 1957 and it refers to this psychological discomfort that one has when their behaviors are inconsistent with their beliefs their ideals and their core values Unfaithful Partners frequently struggle with this internal conflict because even though they're participating in an affair they love and want to be with their spouse most often and I hear from so many betrayed spouses that they just have a hard time believing that but having done this work for almost 20 years I really do believe that's true in most cases not every case but in most and as a means of alleviating their anxiety these individuals downplay the gravity of their behavior and they convince themselves that their dishonest really isn't as horrible as it looks another thing they do is underestimate the pain that their actions and their unfaithfulness to their commitment as well as to their partner will cause and as a result they lower the level of cognitive dissonance that they experience a very common example that I hear from Wayward spouses is that they convince themselves that they're extra marital Affair isn't actually cheating if they didn't have sex with the person and then on the other end of the spectrum others will claim that there's no emotional connection and merely just a physical interaction between the two so these are just two of the extreme justifications that make it possible for them to carry out their activities without experiencing the overwhelming amount of guilt and fear and shame you know at least for a season it's also possible for an Unfaithful spouse to rationalize their behavior by pointing to the complex principles as a way to explain their infidelity they fabricate stories in which their infidelity is the consequence of inadequacies of their relationship or their emotional their physical sexual needs were not being addressed they are able to perceive themselves not as the perpetrator of the wrongdoing but rather as the victim who is looking for consolation in other places by transferring the blame onto their spouse and their affection their attraction and connection to another for instance a spouse who is unfaithful to the relationship could persuade themselves that their adultery is okay since their partner isn't paying enough attention to them or doesn't understand them and because of this they're able to justify their behavior by explaining it as a reaction to shortcomings of their spouse rather than their own Act of betrayal let let me be clear about two things first is these examples are not justifications for infidelity they are simply just very common scenarios that I hear all the time remember you've heard me say in the past that bad marriages don't cause infidelity bad choices due you know and this reminds me of a story from my childhood when I was a kid my little brother and I would get into a fight and we'd hit each other and then we' get in trouble and our dad would step in and he if he said it once he said it a thousand times you probably all heard it two wrongs don't make a right so even in the worst cases in bad marriages going on and doing something else that's going to make matters worse does not help the situation and second if your spouse has been lying to cover up an affair or a sexual addiction it will take time for them to get the whole truth out even if they're 100% committed to telling the truth if they've been lying for years or even just a few months it's going to take some time and let me be clear about this too this is not a pass I don't want to hear somebody say Wayne said it's going to take time I know it's going to take time I'm just trying to set the context and if you are the Wayward spouse you have to do everything possible everything you can do to get the whole truth out and keep telling the truth ASAP you've got to do that it's truly one of the best gifts that you can give yourself and your spouse another important function of self-de deception is when it's a defense mechanism Unfaithful Partners protect their self-image and avoid the painful admission of their infidelity by telling lies to themselves first in order to avoid looking at a host of other unresolved issues within and recognizing the truth of their infidelity demands coming to terms with the damage they've done and the consequences that might result from it including their own feelings of guilt shame sorrow remorse and the potential breakdown of the relationship and that list goes on and on and on in addition all the underlying circumstances they choose to deceive themselves and perpetuate their deception rather than face the impacts of their actions and the potential healing and growth that they may experience down the road you know there are several reasons why a wayward spouse lies or deceives whether intentionally or by omission and one of the most common reasons the Wayward spouse will say that they lie is because they don't want to cause F pain for their partner you know and and here's the thing I get that in part there's parts of them that believe that's true it's also true that the Wayward Partners often lie about their secret sexual behavior because they're trying to justify their actions they often try to convince themselves that their infidelity is Justified in some way because their partner was neglectful angry controlling or Unfaithful in other ways and some people feel that maintaining the connection to their betrayed partner is necessary through lying they could be worried that coming clean about the affair would bring an end to the relationship and that's really not what they want but as a result they keep up the appearance of faithfulness so that this possible disruption in their lives does not occur and the Wayward spouse endures a dual life appearing to be committed while having an affair and this Behavior speaks powerfully about the intricate and complex nature of our thoughts our feelings our motivations and ultimately our behaviors one of the most common reasons that the Wayward Partners lie to themselves and their partner is that they are trying to avoid confrontation or more conflict and honestly as I think about it it may be the most common research kind of lends that way that conflict avoidance is the number one reason that people lie which is really tied to our own self-image that we're trying to protect that as well but they may be afraid that admitting their infidelity will lead to a breakup or other negative consequences so they keep their behavior hidden lying about infidelity is rarely a sustainable strategy in most cases the truth eventually comes out either through a confession a disclosure or Discovery when this happens the damage to the relationship will be severe psychological safety and Trust are fundamental components of any healthy relationship and infidelity can shatter all of that in a nanc even if the Unfaithful partner sincerely apologizes and Promises to do the necessary work to heal and also help their spouse heal the Betrayed partner will struggle to move past the Betrayal to feel safe and to rebuild trust without the effort to understand why why the Unfaithful partner acted in the way that they did and in the progression of therapy the Wayward spouse must share with the Betrayed spouse any insights that they are discovering about themselves along the way this is a key component of creating safety for themselves and for their partner as well as working to repair and heal the wounds around shame and BL voidance and fear and a host of other experiences infidelity and the dishonesty that accompanies it are multi-dimensional problems with roots in shame the reasons the rationalizations and the excuses that lie under the surface tell us as much about the human inclination for self-deception as they do about the values and the standards that are prevalent in our culture and while awareness of these processes does not constitute an endorsement of lying or being dishonest it can provide insight into why dishonesty occurs and how it might be prevented when we learn how to handle conflict well and there's this open communication emotional transparency deep and generous listening and mutual understanding between two people in a relationship it may go a long way towards eliminating the necessity of engaging in such extreme acts of self-deception and betrayal if you are struggling to find Hope and a way to be honest with yourself and with your spouse I'd encourage you to consider the EMS weekend offered by a fair recovery all the details are under the program tab at Affair recovery.com in almost 20 years of working with with betrayal trauma the EMS weekend is probably the most transformative experience for couples working hard to recover it is where most couples both spouses experience a safe place with practical Solutions designed to help them find Clarity and freedom acceptance and even hope so hope you'll check that out and thank you for joining me it is always good to be with you and I'll see you again [Music] soon

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 12,642

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: hCn6Bptb7RE

Length: 14min 49sec (889 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 27 2024