Male Speaker: The President,
often criticized for his caution, is now doing things his own way. He's got a climate deal with China. He's issued an immigration order;
we'll see how far he can take it. ♪ ( I love It song plays) ♪ (applause) The President: Good evening,
everybody. Welcome to the White House
Correspondents Dinner -- the night when Washington
celebrates itself. (laughter) Somebody's got to
do it. (laughter) And welcome to
the fourth quarter of my presidency. (laughter and applause) It's true -- that was Michelle cheering. (laughter) The fact is, I
feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder
massages, they're like magic. (laughter) You should try
one. Oh, you have. (laughter) I am determined
to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections,
my advisors asked me, "Mr. President, do you have a
bucket list?" And I said, "Well, I have
something that rhymes with bucket list.'" (laughter and applause) Take executive action on immigration? Bucket. (laughter) New climate
regulations? Bucket. It's the right thing to do. (laughter and applause) And
my new attitude is paying off. Look at my Cuba policy. The Castro brothers are here
tonight. (laughter and applause) Welcome to America, amigos! Que pasa? What? It's the Castros from Texas? (laughter) Oh. Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian. (laughter) Anyway, being
President is never easy. I still have to fix a broken
immigration system, issue veto threats,
negotiate with Iran -- all while finding time to pray
five times a day. (laughter) Which is
strenuous. (laughter and applause) And
it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the
presidency has aged me. I look so old, John Boehner
has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my
funeral. (laughter and applause) Meanwhile, Michelle hasn't aged a day. (applause) I ask her what
her secret is, she just says "fresh fruits
and vegetables." It's aggravating. (laughter) The fact is,
though, at this point, my legacy is finally
beginning to take shape. The economy is getting
better. Nine in ten Americans now
have health coverage. (applause) Today, thanks to
Obamacare, you no longer have to worry
about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You're welcome, Senate
Democrats. (laughter and applause) Now,
look, it is true I have not
managed to make everybody happy. Six years into my
presidency, some people still say I'm
arrogant and aloof, condescending. Some people are so dumb. (laughter) No wonder I
don't meet with them. (laughter) And that's not
all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney
says he thinks I'm the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting,
because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my
lifetime. (laughter and applause) It's quite a coincidence. I mean, everybody has got
something to say these days. Mike Huckabee recently said
people shouldn't join our military until a true
conservative is elected President. Think about that. It was so outrageous, 47
Ayatollahs wrote us a letter trying to explain to
Huckabee how our system works. (laughter) It gets worse. Just this week, Michele
Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the
biblical end of days. (laughter) Now that's a
legacy! (laughter) That's big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington
-- they didn't do that. (laughter) But I just have
to put this stuff aside, I've got to stay focused on
my job, because for many Americans,
this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one
friend -- just a few weeks ago, she was making millions
of dollars a year. And she's now living out of
a van in Iowa. (laughter and applause) Meanwhile, back here in our
\nation's capital, we're always dealing with
new challenges. I'm happy to report that the
Secret Service, thanks to some excellent
reporting by White House correspondents, they're
really focusing on some of the issues that have come
up. And they finally figured out
a full-proof way to keep people off my lawn. (laughter) It works. And it's not just
fence-jumpers. As some of you know, a few
months ago, a drone crash-landed out
back. That was pretty serious, but
don't worry, we've installed a new,
state-of-the-art security system. (laughter) You know what,
let me set the record straight. I tease Joe sometimes, but
he has been at my side for seven years now. I love that man. (applause) He's not just a
great Vice President, he is a great friend. We've gotten so close, in
some places in Indiana, they won't serve us pizza
anymore. (laughter and applause) I
want to thank our host for the evening, a Chicago girl,
the incredibly talented Cecily Strong. (applause) On "Saturday
Night Live, " Cecily impersonates CNN
anchor Brooke Baldwin. Which is surprising, because
usually the only people impersonating journalists on
CNN are journalists on CNN. (laughter) ABC is here with
some of the stars from their big new comedy, "Black-ish." (applause) It's a great
show, but I have to give ABC fair
warning -- being "Black-ish" only makes you popular for
so long. Trust me. (laughter) There's a shelf
life to that thing. (laughter) As always, the
reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year. Here on the East Coast, one
big story was the brutal winter. The polar vortex caused so
many record lows, they renamed it "MSNBC." (laughter) But of course,
let's face it, there is one issue on every
reporter's mind and that is 2016. Already, we've seen some
missteps. It turns out Jeb Bush
identified himself as "Hispanic" back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I
understand. It's an innocent mistake. Reminds me of when I
identified myself as "American" back in 1961. (laughter and applause) Ted
Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change
made him like Galileo. (laughter) Now that's not
really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth
revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth
revolves around Ted Cruz. (laughter) And just as an
aside, I want to point out, when a guy who has his face
on a "Hope" poster calls you self-centered, you know
you've got a problem. (laughter) The narcissism
index is creeping up a little too high. (laughter) Meanwhile, Rick
Santorum announced that he would not attend the
same-sex wedding of a friend or a loved one. To which gays and lesbians
across the country responded, that's not going
to be a problem. (laughter and applause) Don't sweat that one. (laughter) And Donald Trump
is here. Still. (laughter) Anyway. (laughter) It's amazing how
time flies. Soon, the first presidential
contest will take place. And I for one cannot wait to
see who the Koch brothers pick. It's exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted
Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally get that
red rose? (laughter) The winner gets
a billion-dollar war chest. The runner up gets to be the
bachelor on the next season of "The Bachelor." (laughter) I mean,
seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that
feel a little excessive? (laughter) I mean, it's
almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers think they
need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like
one of these people. (laughter) It's got to hurt
their feelings a little bit. (laughter) And, look, I know
I've raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness, my
middle name is "Hussein." (laughter) What's their
excuse? (laughter and applause) The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow Democrats either. As we all know, Hillary's
private emails got her in trouble. Frankly, I thought it was
going to be her private Instagram account that was
going to cause her bigger problems. (laughter) Hillary kicked
things off by going completely unrecognized at a
Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin
O'Malley kicked things off by going completely
unrecognized at a Martin O'Malley campaign event. (laughter) And Bernie
Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting
guy. Apparently some folks really
want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White
House. (laughter) We could get a
third Obama term after all. (laughter and applause) It
could happen. Anyway, as always, I want to
close on a more serious note. I often joke about tensions
between me and the press, but honestly, what they say
doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an
adversarial system. I'm a mellow sort of guy. And that's why I invited
Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. (laughter and applause) Luther: Hold on to your lily-white butts. (laughter) The President: In
our fast-changing world, traditions like the White
House Correspondents' Dinner are important. Luther: I mean, really, what
is this dinner? (laughter) And why am I
required to come to it? (laughter) Jeb Bush, do you
really want to do this? (laughter) The President:
Because despite our differences, we count on the
press to shed light on the most important issues of the
day. Luther: And we can count on
Fox News to terrify old white people with some
nonsense! (laughter) "Sharia law is
coming to Cleveland. Run for the damn hills!" (laughter) Y'all, it's
ridiculous. (laughter) The President: We
won't always see eye to eye. Luther: Oh, and CNN, thank
you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole weeks, we were
one step away from the Walking Dead. (laughter) And then you all
got up and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome. Oh, and by the way, just if
you haven't noticed, you don't have Ebola! (laughter) The President:
But I still deeply appreciate the work that you
do. Luther: Ya'll remember when
I had that big, old hole in the bottom of
the Gulf of Mexico and then I plugged it? Remember that? Which "Obama's Katrina" was
that one? Was that 19? Or was it 20? Because I can't remember. (laughter) The President:
Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example, the Supreme
Court ruled that the donor who gave Ted Cruz 6 million
dollars was just exercising free speech. Luther: Yeah, that's the
kind of speech like this, "I just wasted six million
dollars." (laughter and applause) The President: And it's not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise
huge sums of money, too. Luther: Oh, yes. She's gonna get that money. She's gonna get all the
money. Khaleesi is coming to
Westeros. (laughter and applause) So
watch out! (laughter) The President:
The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates
real problems for our democracy. Luther: And that's why we're
running for a third term! (laughter) The President:
No, we're not. Luther: We're not? The President: No. Luther: Who the hell said
that? (laughter) The President:
But we do need to stay focused on some big
challenges, like climate change. Luther: Hey, listen, ya'll,
if you haven't noticed, California is bone dry. (laughter) It looks like a
trailer for the new "Mad Max" movie up in there. (laughter) Ya'll think that
Bradley Cooper came here because he wants to talk to
Chuck Todd? (laughter) He needed a
glass of water. Come on! (laughter and applause) The
President: The science is clear. Nine of the ten hottest
years ever came in the last decade. Luther: Now, I'm not a
scientist, but I do know how to count
to 10. (laughter) The President:
Rising seas, more violent storms. Luther: We've got mosquitos. Sweaty people on the train,
stinking it up. It's just nasty. (laughter) The President: I
mean, look at what's happening
right now. Every serious scientist says
we need to act. The Pentagon says it's a
national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day,
and instead of doing anything about it, we've got
elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate! Luther: Okay, Mr. President. Okay, I think they've got
it, bro. The President: It is crazy! What about our kids? What kind of stupid,
shortsighted, irresponsible bull -- (laughter and applause) Luther: Wow! Hey! (applause) The President:
What? ! Luther: All due respect,
sir. You don't need an anger
translator. (laughter) You need
counseling. (laughter) So I'm out of
here, man. I ain't trying to get into
all this. (laughter) The President:
Go. (applause) Luther: He crazy. (laughter and applause) The
President: Luther, my anger translator, ladies
and gentlemen. (applause) Now that I got
that off my chest. Investigative journalism;
explanatory journalism; journalism that exposes
corruption and injustice and gives a voice to the
different, the marginalized, the voiceless -- that's
power. It's a privilege. It's as important to
America's trajectory -- to our values, our ideals --
than anything that we could do in elected office. We remember journalists we
lost over the past year -- journalists like Steven
Sotloff and James Foley, murdered for nothing more
than trying to shine a light into some of the world's
darkest corners. (applause) We remember the
journalists unjustly imprisoned around the world,
including our own Jason Rezaian. (applause) For nine months,
Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran for nothing more than
writing about the hopes and the fears of the Iranian
people, carrying their stories to
the readers of the Washington Post in an effort
to bridge our common humanity. As was already mentioned,
Jason's brother, Ali, is here tonight and I have
told him personally we will not rest until we bring him
home to his family, safe and sound. (applause) These journalists
and so many others view their work as more than just
a profession, but as a public good; an
indispensable pillar of our society. So I want to give a toast to
them. I raise a glass to them and
all of you, with the words of the
American foreign correspondent Dorothy
Thompson: "It is not the fact of liberty, but the way
in which liberty is exercised, that ultimately
determines whether liberty itself survives." Thank you for your devotion
to exercising our liberty, and to telling our American
story. God bless you. God bless the United States
of America. (applause)
