President Obama and Jay Leno at White House Correspondents Dinner

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Looks like the producer fell asleep when leno came on.

πŸ‘οΈŽ︎ 3 πŸ‘€οΈŽ︎ u/[deleted] πŸ“…οΈŽ︎ May 03 2010 πŸ—«︎ replies
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The President: Thank you so much, Ed. And to all the other board members; to honored guests; and to the lovely First Lady. (applause) Good evening. You know, Ed's right, I work a lot. And so I wasn't sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. (laughter) He leaned over and he said, "Mr. President -- (laughter) -- this is no ordinary dinner. (laughter) This is a big (beep) meal." (laughter and applause) It's been quite a year since I've spoken here last -- lots of ups, lots of downs -- except for my approval ratings, which have just gone down. (laughter) But that's politics. It doesn't bother me. Besides, I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth. (laughter and applause) And then just the other day, my dear friend, Hillary Clinton, pulled me aside and she gave me a pep talk. She said, despite the numbers, she said, "Don't worry, Barack, you're likeable enough." (laughter) Which made me feel better. Of course I may not have had the star power that I once had -- but in my defense, neither do all of you. (laughter) People say to me, "Mr. President, you helped revive the banking industry, you saved GM and Chrysler. What about the news business?" I have to explain, hey, I'm just the President. (laughter) I'm not a miracle worker, here. (laughter) Though I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight -- great to see you, Jay. (laughter and applause) I'm also glad that I'm speaking first, because we've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno's. (laughter) Mr. Leno: Goodnight, everybody. (laughter) The President: By the way, all of the jokes here tonight are brought to you by our friends at Goldman Sachs. (laughter) So you don't have to worry -- they make money whether you laugh or not. (laughter) We do have a number of notable guests in attendance here tonight. Obviously I'm most pleased that Michelle accompanied me. She doesn't always go to these things. (applause) And there are few things in life that are harder to find and more important to keep than love -- well, love and a birth certificate. (laughter) The Jonas Brothers are here. (applause) They're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But, boys, don't get any ideas. (laughter) I have two words for you -- predator drones. (laughter) You will never see it coming. (laughter) You think I'm joking. (laughter) Speaking of 'tween heartthrobs, Scott Brown is here. (applause) I admire Scott -- a rare politician in Washington with nothing to hide. (laughter) Now, you should be aware that Scott Brown is not the only one with a salacious photo spread floating around. Recently David Axelrod was offered a centerfold opportunity of his own -- now, I did not know that Krispy-Kreme had a catalog. (laughter) But it's true. I saw Michael Steele backstage when we were taking pictures -- AKA Notorious GOP. (laughter) Michael, who knows what truly plagues America today -- taxation without representin' -- (laughter) My brother. (laughter) I did a similar routine last year, but it always works. (laughter) Odds are that the Salahis are here. (laughter) There haven't been people that were more unwelcome at a party since Charlie Crist. (laughter) Unfortunately, John McCain couldn't make it. Recently he claimed that he had never identified himself as a maverick. And we all know what happens in Arizona when you don't have ID. (laughter) Adios, amigos. (laughter and applause) Look, I feel for John. You know, we were on the road together and obviously had a hard-fought battle, and you learn, certainly at the national level, politics isn't easy. This year I've experienced my share of disappointments. For example, I had my heart set on the Nobel Prize -- for Physics. (laughter) But, hey, you can't win 'em all. (laughter) Speaking of undeserved honors, a few weeks ago I was able to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. And I don't know if you saw it, but I threw it a little high and a little outside. This is how FOX News covered it: "President panders to extreme left-wing of batter box." (laughter) On the other hand, MSNBC had a different take -- "President pitches no-hitter." (laughter) And then CNN went a different way altogether -- (video is shown about volcano eruption in Iceland) -- I guess that's why they're the most trusted name in news. (laughter) Now, look, I have a reputation for giving cable a hard time, so let's pick on Politico for a while. (laughter) You know, people attack Politico for putting a new focus on trivial issues, political fodder, gossip sheet. That's not fair. Politico has been doing this for centuries now. Just check out these headlines -- our researchers found these: "Japan surrenders -- where's the bounce?" (laughter) Then there's this one: "Lincoln saves Union, but can he save House majority?" (laughter) I don't know if you can see, there's a little portion there -- "He's lost the Southern white vote." (laughter) It's an astute analysis there. And my favorite, July 3, 1776 -- "Senior Whig official: Talks break down, independence dead." (laughter) So this is nothing new. But even though the mainstream press gives me a hard time, I hear that I'm still pretty big on Twitter, Facebook -- or as Sarah Palin calls it, "the socialized media." (laughter) Of course, that's not the only thing that we've been accused of socializing this year. You might have heard we passed a health care bill and -- (applause) Is that Roger Ailes applauding out there? (laughter) Some Republicans have suggested that the bill contains a few secret provisions. That's ridiculous. There aren't a few secret provisions in the health care plan -- there are, like, hundreds. (laughter) Tonight, in the interest of transparency, I'd like to share a couple. Let's see -- this provision is called the Bay State of Denial. It reads: "This bill shall cover short-term memory loss related to the passage of Massachusetts health care reform." So, good news, Mitt, your condition is covered. (laughter) This next provision is called the Jersey Shore-Up. It reads: "The following individuals shall be excluded from the indoor tanning tax within this bill." Snooki, J-WOWW, the Situation, and House Minority Leader John Boehner. (laughter) This provision ought to put a common misconception to rest. It says right here: "If you do not like the ruling of your death panel you can appeal." (laughter) Now, look, obviously I've learned this year politics can be a tough business, but there are times where you just can't help but laugh. You know what really tickles me? Eric Massa. (laughter) Apparently Massa claimed that Rahm came up to him one day in the House locker room, stark naked, started screaming obscenities at him -- to which I say, welcome to my world. (laughter) I feel you. It's a tense moment. You know, even as we enjoy each other's company tonight, we're also mindful of the incredible struggles of our fellow Americans in the Gulf Coast, both those leading the efforts to stem this crisis and those along the coast whose livelihoods are in jeopardy as a result of the spill. Also in our thoughts and prayers tonight are the men and women in uniform who put their lives at risk each and every day for our safety and freedom. (applause) So in that spirit, I'd also like to pay a tribute to the journalists who play an extraordinary role in telling their stories. Earlier today I gave the commencement address at Michigan, where I spoke to the graduates about what is required to keep out democracy thriving in the 21st century. And one of the points I made is that for all the changes and challenges facing your industry, this country absolutely needs a healthy, vibrant media. Probably needs it more than ever now. Today's technology -- (applause) -- today's technology has made it possible for us to get our news and information from a growing range of sources. We can pick and choose not only our preferred type of media, but also our preferred perspective. And while that exposes us to an unprecedented array of opinions, analysis, and points of view, it also makes it that much more important that we're all operating on a common baseline of facts. It makes it that much more important that journalists out there seek only the truth. And I don't have to tell you that. Some of you are seasoned veterans who have been on the political beat for decades; others here tonight began their careers as bloggers not long ago. But I think it's fair to say that every single reporter in this room believes deeply in the enterprise of journalism. Every one of you, even the most cynical among you, understands and cherishes the function of a free press and the preservation of our system of government and of our way of life. And I want you to know that for all the jokes and the occasional gripes, I cherish that work, as well. In fact, tonight I wanted to present all of you with a bipartisan congressional resolution that honors all those wonderful contributions that journalists have made to our country and the world -- but, unfortunately, I couldn't break the filibuster. (laughter) Thank you very much, everybody. God bless you and God bless the United States of America. (applause) Edwin Chin: Well, we are going to make history tonight so I'm happy to note that it's not 11:35 p.m. but I give you a man who is good at any time of the day or night. Jay Leno. (applause) Jay Leno: Thank you, Ed. Thank you, very much. This is every comedian's dream. Rich people eating. As you know, there was quite a security line to get in. I got stuck behind the Arizona Congressional delegation. Luckily all of their papers were in order so it wasn't too much of a problem to get in. And I have the distinct honor of being the only person on this panel not subpoenaed by Rob Blagojevich so I think that is pretty impressive itself. I can see the White House Press Corps. Very excited tonight. It's about as close to a White House press conference as they've had in a year so this is it. So enjoy it while it lasts, yeah, yeah. I'm not looking over. Is he laughing? Now, some of you on the news have mentioned that the President has been getting a little gray since taking office but he has had his share of stress. Tough economy, two wars, health care fight, Iran, North Korea. His mother-in-law moving in with him, huh? I think that would break most men. (laughter) And sometimes the press can be one-sided. As you mentioned, all during the election they would ask things like, Is Obama black enough? Is Obama too black? It's never the other way around. Is John Boehner orange enough? (laughter) Is he too orange? We never hear that. (laughter) And as you know, the President and First Lady have a wonderful family. I'm sure you remember this heart-warming photo. Take a look at this photo. We all went -- take a look here -- ah, remember that? Wasn't that wonderful? I think it reminds us all of a similar photo taken in a previous administration. Take a look. Ah, yeah. (laughter) And hats off to Michelle Obama who has made childhood obesity one of her causes. Yes, congratulations. (applause) She has started a more intense program. It's called "leave no child with a bigger behind." And I think that is going to be a wonderful, wonderful thing. (laughter) But Mrs. Obama, with all the good works you have been doing, it's been undermined by others in your administration. Here, take a look. [video] First Lady: It's easy to say we need to eat healthy and exercise more. It's just as easy to say we'll start tomorrow. But our kids are running out of time. They're the first generation that might not live as long as their parents because of the health risks associated with being overweight. What can we do to help? Be the example they need. Make healthy choices and help them do the same. Let's move to raise a healthier generation of kids. (laughter) (applause) Jay Leno: And there was a big setback for NASA this year. As you know, President Obama cutting the space program and sending more men to the moon. We're not going to be sending any more men to the moon. Although we can point to one major achievement during your time in office, Mr. President, we did get an astronaut on dancing with the stars, and I think that is something, something we can all be proud of. (laughter) You know, I've had the privilege of meeting President Obama a number of times. And I was surprised to hear critics describe the President as cold and aloof. I have never found him that way. He loves to socialize. Health care, car companies, things of that nature. (laughter) Well, hey, I want to congratulate President Obama. He has done more than anyone for the American car industry except for Toyota. Of course, Toyota would need you. And as you may have heard, there were more problems for Toyota today. Apparently, two of the crash test dummies refused to get in the car. Yeah. (laughter) So things are not looking good. But one wonderful thing about President Obama, never lost his street cred. He knows how to deal with the average guy. Now, here he is meeting a businessman on the campaign trail. Look how instantly he can relate to this man, take a look. (video) Reporter: We have the President walking in here just as we were about to go. The President, again expecting to talk about small businesses and about how he is going to help them in this hurting economy, what he is going to do. (laughter) Jay Leno: Another piece of cake? (laughter) Now, Mr. President, I have to admit, when you were elected, a little worried, the comedy well at the White House, it dried up. So thank you for picking Joe Biden. We appreciate that. It was wonderful. Joe is a great pick because nobody is more media savvy than Joe Biden. Here he is with Andrea Mitchell. Now, the word he is looking for is Avatar. The word he is looking for is Avatar. Let's take a look. (video) Andrea Mitchell: You've been a very busy man. Do you and Mrs. Biden ever get to the movies, academy award picks, anything that is among the Oscar nominees? Vice President Biden: Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do. And I think one of the odds-on favorites is this new program that I looked at it and wished I was seeing it in 3-D, and you sit there and you watch this science fiction thing unfold in front of you -- Andrea Mitchell: Avatar? Vice President Biden: Avatar. (laughter) Jay Leno: Avatar, Joe! It's Avatar you're trying to say. (laughter) And as you know, a lot of republicans could not be here tonight because of this dollar drink night at the bondage club so unfortunately -- (laughter) -- yeah, and Michael Steele is here. Where is Michael? There you are, Mike. Michael, this has got to be pretty boring entertainment for you, isn't it? I know what you guys are used to. A couple of guys talking; come on! That was my favorite story. Republicans and a lesbian bondage club. It's ironic; republicans don't want lesbians getting married. But they do like to watch them tie the knot. So I thought that was interesting. (laughter) I did think that was interesting. (applause) See, Washington is a very scary place. Between republicans going to bondage clubs, the SEC looking at porn, I can't wait to get back to Hollywood, someplace wholesome where people have values. (laughter) And I want to talk about White House security for a moment. Now, it's supposed to be the most secure place in the world. Now, here is President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden, the two most powerful men in the word. Now, watch the door behind them. How does this happen? Take a look. (video) President Obama: Good evening, everybody. Tonight, after nearly 100 years of talk and frustration -- Jay Leno: Who's that guy? How did he get in there? Who is that -- what, is he on the tour? Did he wander off? (laughter) And according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know what broke them? Health insurance premiums. Do you know the monthly premium for suicide bomber, do you have any idea what it is? (laughter) You know, I was thinking about this. If you took all the money republicans spent trying to stop health care, and all the money democrats have spent trying to get health care, you know something? We could have had health care. We could have had it a couple of years ago! Now supporters of this bill say that the American people will now get the same health benefits that members of Congress get. And, of course, that's great. How about some of the other perks? The free travel; those envelopes with the cash in them. How about some of that, huh, huh? (laughter) The "get out of jail free cards," why can't we get that? Well, Mr. President, you did a great job in the passage of the Health Care Bill, but you have to give a lot of credit to Nancy Pelosi for the way she sold it to the American people -- (applause) Well, did you see the way she sold it? She went to the new media. She went to YouTube. Here, take a look. (video) Nancy Pelosi: In order to have quality affordable health care for all Americans it is essential that everyone participate when they are well. And not just join in when they are sick. So it's all better quality, lower cost, more access if everyone is mandated. (applause) And you have to admit that President Obama's mood really changed once that health care bill passed. Because I watch the shows every day and I would see you come into the Press Room before the Bill passed, you know, kind of slumped over, looking a little depressed. Didn't have the spark. Here's the President the day after the health care bill was signed. Take a look. (video) Speaker: President Obama is just beyond the door so he should step in here in just a second. β™ͺβ™ͺ "Y'all ready for this?" β™ͺβ™ͺ (laughter) Jay Leno: And as you know, the Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, announced that the Pentagon will ease up on its enforcement of the "don't ask - don't tell" policy. They said that the homosexual behavior will still be against the rules but nobody will be actively enforcing it. Kind of like the ethics regulations in Congress. It is basically the same sort of deal. And of course David Axelrod is here. Where is David? Yeah. He is one of the people, of course, most responsible helping to get President Obama elected. Without him it might have been John McCain and this would have been an early bird dinner. We would have been eating at 4:30, you know? (laughter) You'd be home watching "Wheel of Fortune" right now. And of course, David Axelrod was on my show a week ago Friday, actually. He was on with the star of the movie "Kick Ass" and when I told him he was going to be on with "Kick Ass" he said, Rahm's here? What? What? (laughter) And of course, as you mentioned, Eric Massa claimed that Rahm confronted him in the Congressional gym shower. And of course, people were shocked. Congress has a gym? Anybody in Congress look like they work out, huh? Huh? (laughter) Did it take Barney Frank 30 years to get that body? Really? He's been going every day, huh? (laughter) What's Harry Reid bench pressing, is it five pounds now? (laughter) And as you know, the President has the most diverse staff in history. They represent every ward of Chicago. And I think that is fantastic, Mr. President. (laughter) We have a lot of movie stars. Michael Douglas is here. Where's Michael? Michael Douglas. As you know, he won an Oscar for his portrayal of an evil, greedy, Wall Street broker who was willing to manipulate the market for his own personal gain. Where does Hollywood come up with these crazy ideas? (laughter) Now, Bill Maher, where's Bill Maher? Bill? You here? Bill Maher, one of my favorite comedians. Bill is the reason we had no opening prayer tonight. They were afraid he would boo, so we couldn't do that, so I'm sorry. And speaking of that, you know, everybody complains about the lack of civility on both sides. You see it in sports. You see it in politics. I think we have the answer, take a look. (video) President Obama: The reforms I'm processing would not apply to those who are here illegally. Senator Joe Wilson: You lie! Bill Maher: Are you tired of people saying what's on their mind? Kanye West: Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! Bill Maher: Everyone's got an opinion. And they're all compelled to share it with others. Well, those annoying comments can go away with this: Duct tape. Just a few inches of this gray, sticky fabric solves it all. Duct tape. The all American solution to everything! (applause) Jay Leno: Of course, Osama bin Laden now releasing tapes blaming the United States for global warming. You know, I think he's running out of ideas, huh? Is that the best you can do? Even the United States blames the United States for global warming. I think he wants to quit Al Qaeda and join Al Gore, basically, when I think about it. (laughter) And as you know, President Obama has been promoting alternative energy. Texas State University has now developed exercise equipment that operates electricity when you exercise. See, they're hoping that one day people are able to generate enough power from their home by exercising, huh? Well, you thought Americans were hiring a lot of illegal aliens before, huh? Manuel, keep paddling! (laughter) And last month you mentioned President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' game against the Philadelphia Phillies. But they didn't tell you that Biden got kicked out for cursing at the umpire. You didn't bring that up, Mr. President. Did you see the pitch? It was not, it was not a good pitch. No, but to be fair he had just come from an interview on MSNBC and I think you were used to softball, so I think that is probably what -- Audience: Ohh! Jay Leno: Oh, I'm gonna get fired again! (laughter) Well, you know, I tell you something. A lot of critics felt that President Bush did a better job of getting the ball across the plate. That's what they said. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk. So I think it balances. (laughter) And as you know President Obama and the First Lady very much committed to education. In fact, here is their latest program. (video) Comedian: President Barack Obama says that a good education is everything to a child's future. But what do with a child that can't learn. Or worse, a child that won't learn? Well, thanks to a bold new government program, you can trade them in! It's cash for flunkers. Bring in that simpleton you call your son and get up to $4,500 toward the purchase of a new or select used child! That's right. Up to $4,500 for that wannabe gangster. Or that morbid/goth punk. So don't be stuck with that disobedient tramp you gave birth to. Get a kid you can be proud of! Get cash for flunkers today. All children taken as trade-in will be outsourced to sweat shops in Malaysia. (laughter) Jay Leno: You know, I read that book "Game change," about a 2008 election. Do you know what I learned from that book? That if reporters hold back all the good stories in the newspapers, they can get really rich! And nice to see Chris Matthews. Chris is here. Chris, where are 'ya? Chris has been on the "Tonight Show" a number of times. Always a great guest. He comes out, sits down, talks straight through for ten minutes, then I ask him a question. (laughter) Jay Leno: Then he talks for another 20 minutes. Let's talk about the press for a minute. I want you to watch how different networks cover the same story. Now, remember that story a while back about President Obama, somebody had a jacket and they had a big poster in Times Square and of course the President is not supposed to be endorsing. Well, here's how CBS covered it. Take a look. (video) Reporter: And President Obama no longer has a commanding presence in another New York location. Remember this huge billboard with his likeness? It was removed yesterday from Times Square. Mr. Obama's picture is not supposed to be used for commercial purposes. Jay Leno: Okay, now, look how Fox News carried the exact same story. Jay Leno: Okay. Timing is everything in comedy. (laughter) Okay. (video) (applause) Jay Leno: But, but to be fair, it is a two-way street and I think the White House likes to play games with Fox News and I'm going to show you some tape. Now this tape has not been altered in any way. We didn't change anything or do anything. I'm going to show you some reporters outside the White House. Now, notice how quiet it is when the MSNBC reporters are reporting. And then watch what happens with Fox. Again, we haven't changed it in any way. Take a look. (video) Reporter: -- having a runoff election, does make a couple of problems go away. Reporter: Defense Secretary Robert Gibbs, defense -- Reporter: An emergence of this side of the party isn't necessarily a good thing and John Boehner said -- Reporter: Call made in the past few minutes and it involved more than just congratulations. Reporter: It's a special Congressional race. Upstate New York, republicans have held it since the 19 -- Reporter: It may be the kind of sausage making you don't want to look too closely at. But -- Jay Leno: Coincidence? You be the judge. And you mentioned the situation in the Gulf of Mexico. There is talk now that this oil slick could end up being bigger than that huge disaster they had up in Alaska. Really? Bigger than Sarah Palin? That is unbelievable. (laughter) And Wolf Blitzer is here. I saw him -- there you are. Hello, wolf! See, doesn't that sound like the name of Sarah Palin's hunting helicopter, the Wolf Blitzer, doesn't it seem like that? Wolf, the answer is stay off celebrity jeopardy. That is the answer. Well, you know, the big rumor is, Sarah Palin may run for President in 2012. And as you know, she is a former beauty queen. If she wins it would make history because it would mark the first time a beauty queen could actually bring about world peace. They have all talked about it. (laughter) But she could make it happen. Did you see her campaigning last month with John McCain? I like to call them beauty and the deceased. Isn't that what it looked like? (laughter) And my favorite democrat of the last year, Senator John Edwards. Wow! A personal injury attorney who turned out to be a sleazeball. Who could have seen that coming? (laughter) I was stunned, stunned by that revelation. Well, now there's talk of a John Edwards sex tape. Oooh, ha? There's something people have never seen before. A lawyer screwing people. Wow! How unusual is that? (laughter) And of course, the first lady of television Betty White is here. Where is Betty White? (applause) We love Betty White. (applause) Hi, Sweetheart! Betty has a long history in this town. And as you know her first stage performance here was interrupted by John Wilkes Booth and that was a sad day. (laughter) You know, the last time I was here was 2004. And at that time, back then, Hillary, Hillary Clinton's campaign had $20 million in it. Now, of course Mark Penn has it, but, hey, that's just something else to do. Little inside baseball. Yeah. Oh, the rich guys get it. Yeah. (laughter) Well, you know, Newsweek is reporting that Hillary Clinton has been talking to friends about stepping down as Secretary of State. But, you know, I think I picked up a clue in a recent interview of what she plans to do. It's a little subtle, but take a look. (video) Speaker: Never is a long time so I want to ask you again, you're never going to run for President again? Secretary Clinton: I have absolutely no interest in running for president, none, none. I mean, I know that's hard for some people to believe but -- (laughter) Jay Leno: And Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is here. Bob, where are you? Where is he? There you are. I heard him say, when he heard the President was going to be here, he said, what, Jefferson Davis is coming? I couldn't believe it. (laughter) Jay Leno: Ooh! This is a tough room. All right. My good friend Joy Bahar from the view -- where's Joy? Joy is here. You know, I give the ladies of "The View" a lot of credit. I have seen President Obama in tough negotiations with the Russians, I have seen him get in a showdown with Kim Jung Il, I've seen him get tough on the President of Iran, what's his name, Mahmood Imanutjob, that is how you say it, Mr. President? Imanutjob? But the only time I ever see him look nervous and fidgety is on "The View." Now we have not altered this tape in any way but count how many times he fidgets here. Take a look. (video) Barbara Walters: You're used to all of this -- President Obama: I am surrounded by women. Barbara Walters: So we're no surprise. President Obama: I am surrounded by women. Well, no, you guys always surprise me. You always surprise me. You always have something up your sleeves. Barbara Walters: Well, I just want to say that over the weekend I reread "Dreams From My Father." (laughter) Jay Leno: All right. Let's wind this baby up. My favorite moment of the past year, though, was seeing all five living Presidents together in the Oval Office and then something spontaneous happened. And I thought it was just fantastic! Take a look. (video) β™ͺβ™ͺ "War, What Is It Good For" β™ͺβ™ͺ Jay Leno: All right. Ladies and gentlemen, this has indeed been an honor and a privilege. This is the greatest job I've ever had for the President of the United States, First Lady Michelle Obama. Thank you, very much, everybody! Have a great evening, bye-bye. (applause)
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Channel: The Obama White House
Views: 1,581,268
Rating: 4.484951 out of 5
Keywords: Live, Goldman Sachs, FOX, House, Palin, J-Wow, Rahm Emanuel, the Situation, Facebook, Obama, Leno, Salahis, Jersey Shore, Boehner, Michael Steele, Jonas Brothers, Charlie Crist, John McCain, Rick Sanchez, White, Twitter, Scott Brown, Politico, MSNBC, Eric Massa, Snookie
Id: aYsGwLWqWI4
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 37min 59sec (2279 seconds)
Published: Sun May 02 2010
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