12 Potent Strategies Narcissist Use to Sabotage Breakup Attempts. "Humanization" Trick & Others

[Music] the sum total of a life of gas lighting and now you're stepping out of it even with your preparation even with your great stage for work and your mastery of Oda and the strike rule is it's going to be difficult but what happens and I see this happen hundreds of hundreds of times I have been doing this for a long time as a narcissist starts to get scared they start to lose their power and Oda you start to see a scared frightened weak person all of a sudden the bluster and and the aggression that they used the passive or vert aggression that they used in order to to scare you into submission you are starting to see the impact of Gaslight neutralization that they never were as strong and you never were as bad and things shift rapidly in Stage five Stage five that's why it requires so much preparation you start to see there's a point at which they just don't want to fight anymore because every time they fight there is a consequence and you're not in a wrestling ring and so what happens is they they will fight against Stage five and there is 11 predictable stages that they will do when you start to do Stage five and you start doing it well the first thing is to turn it up to turn the gas up turn the gas in the gas lighting no one will believe you you know the cops didn't listen to you last time you're just an hysterical woman you know that you're say the person is like twenty pounds overweight and she's absolutely gorgeous and twenty pounds overweight but she's been gasolin and to believe that she's obese or she's too short or too tall or she didn't graduate college there or whatever that the narcissist gasps let her to believe that she's just not good enough to live on her own and she will fail they will turn that up and that is where observed unabsorbed neutralizes it but that's where they start if the gas lighting doesn't work because it won't cuz you're observing and not absorbing and you know exactly what they do then they start to get aggressive then they start to use bullying and threats now the aggression and the threats it looks different based upon the narcissus where I I said no your nurse assists that the person the borderline is going to act much differently to this then the person who was in a SPD a SPD's or calm as a cucumber they don't have empathy there they're just doing everything calmly just so they can break you down they don't have narcissistic injuries they might decide to hurt you but it's not because of rage they just think they want to punish you because you deserve it that the covert narcissist it's the most dangerous one because they have survived by creating an exterior of being beloved respected and liked they might be someone in the community they might be a politician they might be a teacher or psychotherapist they are the ones that are going to have the strongest reaction to this because the a SPD's will have a strong reaction if you are married to a sociopath and this happens a lot with my clients I get them to understand that there never was a connection there never was love that this person is incapable of any type of affection or emotions and they start to understand the reason why they're never around the reason why they don't have friends is that they are incapable of being in relationships and don't understand emotions and then I introduced the concept that a SPD's have to have a backstory to justify themselves so they can look normal in the world that they exist and so they need a family they need a husband they need a and and when they have that backstory then they get to do what they want to do and many of my SLD clients have a SBD spouses or partners they realize this it's like they wake up in horror that that this person has no ability to connect and never has and the a SPD is also dangerous because if you take away their backstory they can't function in the world and act human the covert narcissist is able to pull off human because they're not that they only have a SPD qualities and they're able to build and have relationships but a SPD does not and cannot and you take away the fact that they they can no longer say they have children in a home and a family so they can act normal in their jobs there's going to be a reaction the garden-variety narcissists are just you know just an explosion outward that the people with borderline percent disorder you've already been up and down with the explosion I'm going to I hate you I want to hurt you I love you don't leave me with the BPD and you you you get to this point they will use their number one card and that is the threat for suicide now beep no no the BPD people would borderline personality disorder is the idea of abandonment at the core of borderline personality disorder is this a horrendous fear of real or perceived abandonment at the that is what is responsible for all the borderline is this belief that you don't love them and you're gonna leave them even if it's not rational but when you finally tell the person would BPD I am leaving you you are pulling you are actually bringing true validating their biggest fear and and they will not only feel suicidal but in their mind they will think that the act of suicidal threat or suicidal attempt will bring you back I have had so many SLD clients who were trapped because they knew that their partner would kill himself or herself and did not want to do that to their children and it is a hard sell as a psychotherapist to say that you can't stop him or her from killing themselves and if they do it will be sad and it will be horrible but you have to live your life and if this keeps you from living your life you have to you have to leave and then you have to get get them to understand and sometimes it takes a while that's why we have psychotherapy to understand that if it happens it wasn't your fault you prepare that but so so we talk about each narcissus has their own reaction to the end of the relationship that the positive momentum built in stage 5 and and so we have aggression and threatening passive and a covert aggression so if the aggression and threats don't work now we go underground now we start working with the friends and the kids and other people if that doesn't work then you start to negotiate now Ross the psychic tells my clients is all the time be ready for your partner your spouse to quit drinking quit cheating quit gambling be ready for him to say he will give up what you've been wanting him or her to do and they go no no and all of a sudden they go oh my god he says he's going to stop because of stage 4 no one is surprised no one is going oh my gosh I think maybe we can reach him I think we got when willing to negotiate does not mean anything by the way because willing to negotiate means they're willing to talk to you about the potential stopping but really its induced conversation five is agreeing to stop the problems I will stop drinking and maybe they stop drinking and you go because you have been in really good therapy and you go yeah right one of the core I will go to therapy and so one time every so often my s LD will go he's finally ready to go to therapy maybe this is a chance then I and that's and I remind her or him okay let's go over and our statistic persona disorder they don't think they have a problem and this is he's it's his last gasp and then I said if you don't believe me I want you to ask him or her a question why do you want to go to therapy and then follow-up is what will you do in therapy so what do you think of narcissus is going to say I want to go to therapy because I want to keep you from leaving me so that I can save the marriage it won't be anything about I want to work on my selfishness my self absorption and my grandiosity and my horrible habit of gaslighting you first of all that would be a sociopathic response I would go okay that sounds good I wonder but then number six they go to therapy now please know there are so many therapists out there who don't know anything about narcissus so they will go to therapy and they will present themselves as these aggrieved misunderstood and and they will find a therapist that won't know that there are pathological narcissists and they will give them so much sympathy that the therapy itself will make them feel better about themselves but if they should go to a therapist and if they should go to a therapist and that therapist understands pathological narcissism the first time the therapists suggests that the person might be lying or being hypocritical it's over the therapist it does not it ends prematurely or it just ends because it's just really difficult for a narcissistic go in and talk about themselves so if going to therapy doesn't work and you say well I'm still going to divorce you then they're going to humanize themselves and this is this is this sometimes works with SL D's I start talking about you know when I was a kid I was sexually abused all of a sudden they remember their childhood and and they tell you the truth that my father I'm making this up I'm not talking about me my father sexually abused me or my I'm when I watched my mother you know beat my brother almost to death and you had no idea what's like that and you know what I'm I'm really really I never got over it I'm hurting inside you know baby you know please please understand that that to the person who is not really ensconced and and rooted in their s led recovery that gets them in fact I have a video of that and if that doesn't work they beg for another chance please please don't leave me I need you I love you I will change I will change baby or honey or whatever I'm not really good at begging so that's me just get out of here go I'm not gonna yeah yeah I'm I'm just trying it's been a long day begging for another chance I'll leave the dialog to someone else is better then 9 suicide threats or attempts now I said BPD will go there they will go there quickly but the people what the other pathological narcissists will talk about depression and suicide themselves they have no intention they won't attempt suicide there they're just biessing but they bring it up again it's like if you think you're being choked you have 4 minutes before you're dead I don't know I haven't really studied that the science of how many how many minutes it takes for you to die of asphyxiation but now we're on the third minute and your life is passing in front of you and the narcissist is going to think okay they are going to do whatever they can in order to try to stop this because they are getting more and more afraid and if the suicide threats or attempts don't work then it's a last-gasp all-out destruction and there's different versions of that based upon the type of the narcissist it could be if there are the covert narcissist it looks different than if they are that the garden-variety narcissist to the sociopath it's the last gasp and you're watching all this and you know about it and you're just not reacting and number 11 is replacement they then cut their losses and they look for someone else the importance of this is to understand that they will do everything they can to stop this process and if you can see it ahead of time and what's and keep yourself from being induced in it they will get to number 11 now not always it's not rocket science so then but it's what I want to talk about is is is probably of of those 11 the humanizing one is number seven that often is the most convincing one that gets the most path gets the most SLDS what at the end if they start portraying themselves is broken and suffering remember they know the SLD is an empathetic they know the SLD believes that everyone deserves a chance everyone you know you know you know should be loved and this is where they prey upon yes all these empathy forgiving and accepting nature they disclose her core shame they disclose their child abuse they disclose having no friends they disclose her self-hatred I mean I've seen this so many times this is not just like one person that's done this they plead the SLD not to abandon them they and it's as real as it is contrived in other words they are really afraid of being abandoned and you are seeing their human side and it's it's interesting because with people with personality disorders this is though this is when the window opens this is when they can connect to their attachment trauma it is when they start to cry and they start to look like they're her children they are really actually breaking through the what I call the dissociative barrier barrier and are connecting to their hurt child it is very very scary and disturbing because it's a it's a form of regression because you are watching them as the child that they were when they were hurt the most and and they have that window and it opens up and then shame and fear and loneliness breaks through the repression barrier [Music] [Music]

Channel: Ross Rosenberg

Views: 195,471

Keywords: codepenency recovery, covert narcissist, ross rosenberg, codependency, malignant narcissist, Observe dont absorb, covert narcissism, Going no contact, Breaking up with narcissists, Breaking free from a narcissist, divorcing a narcissist, divorcing a narcissist husband, emotional abuse, divorcing a covert narcissist, end a narcissistic relationship, narcissist manipulation tactics, escape narcissistic abuse, narcissistic behavior, npd, hoovering, Love bombing, Run from narcissist

Id: E8sMgmPsb_A

Length: 18min 45sec (1125 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 19 2019