People say THIS to TRICK YOU into spending time with the narcissist

hey everyone it's Dr Romany welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and have you ever had someone say to you can you just do it for me so let's take this on so could you just do it for me right the people who say this to you aren't necessarily bad people or super manipulative people maybe they're a little manipulative they may be well-intentioned or even desperate they may be enablers or or they may be people who do not understand narcissism and this may be a statement that is particularly relevant at holiday times of years so make Mo no mistake it can happen throughout the year too weddings family reunions and work meetings so let's take this on can you just do it for me what do it what does it mean it's not to do a thing saying can you just do it for me is often mobilized to coax you to spend time with a narcissistic person that you may have worked very hard on trying to disengage from after recognizing the negative impacts of this person on your health and well-being it may not even be just one person it may be an entire family or workplace or organization and you did the heavy lift to try to heal after a long period of time of blaming yourself of trying everything under the sun and then blaming yourself some more and finally landing on a place where you either read the books or watch the videos or got the therapy or all of the above and maybe even got to radical acceptance and you really disengage or even end the relationship and then you did the painful and grief Laden work of finally distancing really really disengaging from whomever this person was again this this theme often comes up with family whether it's a parent or a sibling or an extended family member or multiple people in a family system you may have even done it beautifully disengaged and distan done it right not told anyone and even been gentle you might have even said to your family you know I can't do it it's not good for me to spend time with this person or people I can't do it anymore you may even finally being be allowing yourself to Fe again to get into that space where you're able to feel empathy for that narcissistic person from a distance not have to absolutely hate them but also recognize that their issues their behavior their personality even their backstory that got them here you can see it you even feel bad for them but you do not intend to interact with them if at all possible it's not easy to do but you got there and the few times you had to interact with them for whatever reason you felt terrible afterwards so then someone you actually may care about within your family system or that former colleague that you like or that friend reaches out and says hey we need you to come to this event or be a part of that Gathering and you say I am not sure I can do that it is not good for me I'd really prefer not to go you're you say something nice but direct you find a way to say it and then that person the person you actually like who's making this ask says can you just do it for me listen from the most empathic point of view the people who say can you just do it for me may be desperate to draw you in and sometimes not just for terrible reasons sometimes for actually decent reasons they want you present at something that's important to them sometimes they're doing it for selfish reasons they need an extra pair of psychological hands on deck and they know you're useful or it may spread out the burden of having to deal with a narcissistic person but it's not okay the person who says can you just do it for me which is basically can you just show up and put up with this person regardless of how it hurts you to lighten this other person's load or fulfill the kind of vision they have of some group of people or family this is a form of triangulation of manipulation of selfishness sloppiness or interpersonal laziness and the problem is that it works because you may really like the can you just do it for me person they may usually be a really good person in your life but having to manage the narcissistic people in a system brings out the worst in everyone and in essence they are weaponizing your loyalty your loyalty to them to break down something you painstakingly crafted boundaries and protections and disengagement and endured the grief to build it for their benefit anyone who is from a narcissistic family system has endured this and it can actually bring up the old feelings of am I a bad person because I stepped away am I the one who's cold am I the one who's being rigid this kind of ask when someone asks you can you just do this for me can sometimes set people back in their healing a long way because when you do it just for them you are now putting yourself back into proximity to a person it took you a long painful time to engage disengage from now you may be better equipped to deal with their toxicity especially if it's time limited radical acceptance means that you can breathe into exactly what this is going to be and you recognize how bad it will be and you don't go deep you don't defend engage explain or personalize you ensure you build in something on the back end whether it is therapy a conversation with a supportive friend meditation sleep rest something to get your nervous system back to back online you may also tell that could you just do it for me person no and then depending on the nature and the personality and who that do it for me person is you may be faced down with any number of things it could be insults it could be invalidation it could be gaslighting anything else to mobilize you to do the thing that they wanted you to do in the first place which was to interact with a narcissistic person so sadly you also need to have a chat or at least a mental review of what to do with the can you just do this for me person because this cannot become a regular thing it can't be this long-term you being pulled in all the time and if do it just for me person is willing to trade on your loyalty you care about me so do this thing that is harmful to you for me It's Tricky right maybe it was a desperate oneof and you can let them okay I'm going to do it this time but never again and if you want you can share your why your reason for not wanting to do it but remember the vast majority of people still don't get this and frankly if they do get it and still did this to you that is a problem the grief of the narcissistic relationship and healing from it are the collateral losses that come from people who may not support what you need to do to keep moving forward and not remain stuck in the self-doubting subjugated hellhole that is a narcissistic relationship that sometimes means losing people from our lives or distancing from people who are not necessarily narcissistic or toxic but we're status quo maintainers enablers short Gamers or yeah just selfish and it can feel like your network can shrink and become smaller and smaller with each of these kinds of things and asks happening but this can you do it just for me Gambit can definitely set folks who are healing back and obviously you need to assess these asks on a caseby casee basis but when it happens to you please try to not let it take you back to self-doubt and self-blame but see it as the tactic it is and communicate with the could you do it for me person to see if they can hear you and in some cases they may surprise you and actually hear you clearly and let go and say I understand why you can't come and then that would then speak to the strength of a relationship you have with someone with someone who just wanted to Loop you in and you may even be able to work with them collaboratively to help them craft a solution but can you do it just for me can you be in a situation of harm just for for me a lot of us fall for it but when it happens to you it may set you into a having to think about this more clearly and a lot of steps which I hope this video clarified thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 39,485

Keywords:

Id: Wr3zHoSeXDo

Length: 9min 40sec (580 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 04 2024