Are the 7 SACRED VIRTUES about why people get stick in narcissistic relationships?

hey everyone it's Dr Romy welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism let's talk now we talked about the deadly sins let's talk about the seven sacred virtues so we talked about the deadly sins and they clearly describe narcissism so that begs a question and you know I went on this deep dive do the seven sacred virtues describe the nice people who get stuck in these relationships a little yeah they do actually more than a little it's not as perfect a map as the deadly sins are to narcissism and in part that's because people with different kinds of personalities end up in narcissistic relationships but what is interesting is that each of the Seven Virtues represents a sort of counterweight or an opposite to each sin so let's take them on in in in that same way so the first sacred virtue is humility this is the counterweight to the sin of pride in personality theory humility is often part of the larger trait of agreeableness humility is not just being humble but it has varying ancient definitions including what we would consider now to be authenticity seeing clearly and knowing who you are knowing your strengths and weaknesses it's also humility is also about freedom from ego the willingness to acknowledge the gifts of others and in a more extreme telling humility can also be about submission so humility is a tricky concept there's lots of moving Parts but many if not most survivors I have encountered have had a lot of humility however that submission part the subjugation and giving in even to those who may be harmful that's the harmful part for a of humil humility for a person in a narcissistic relationship how however if we see this through the point of view of a giving up of ego and seeing oneself and seeing others clearly this is most survivors of narcissistic relationships and there is also a vulnerability that's created by humility because there may also be a greater risk of subjugation the second s sacred virtue is Charity which is the opposite of the deadly sin of grief charity was originally conceived of as love of God and other people it is the giving of oneself to others and is actually considered the Supreme of all virtues because it most parallels what we witness in Divinity and it represents the divine in ourselves this isn't just about giving money to charity or doing nice things it's about being good to other people so again this virtue you can see how it gets people stuck in n narcissistic relationships the charity means that you keep loving the person even as they are harming you or giving more and more of yourself to a person who's not caring for you people who possess this trait of Charity it's pretty clear that they will quite easily get sucked into the Vortex of narcissistic relationships this charity quality it's a wonderful quality and again like humility is part of the model of agreeableness that is is often present in people who are most harmed by narcissistic relationships the third sacred virtue is Chastity which is the offset to the sin of lust now of all of the virtues this one was the most tricky to me because it was sort of a pathologizing of sex outside of marriage and everything that was sex or sex adjacent like masturbation I don't know that it's a virtue to not have sex right broadly ch is temperance I can understand that a bit more Temperance is the managing of one's appetites which really means regulation but I don't know that this level of constraint is ever a good thing so suffice it to say I'm not a chastity fan and that that this particular virtue doesn't map well into the world of understanding survivors of narcissistic relationships except that it is not unusual for people in narcissistic relationships to be shamed about their sexuality families May shame them especially if it's a family system characterized by self-righteous and intrusive narcissists and narcissistic Partners May shame a partner about sex or sexuality as a means of control this is less about the Chastity being a good thing as sexuality being one more place that narcissistic people use to engage in shaming the fourth sacred virtue is kindness and that's a counterweight to the sin of envy and tell me kindness isn't most survivors of these relationships kindness is great I love kindness right it's the best it's a core pillar of empathy for other people kindness builds pro-social relationships and narcissistic people kind of run rough shot over kind people because the kind person will rather seamlessly make excuses and justifications not because the kind person is foolish but because they are often trying to understand the narcissistic person in many ways genuine kindness can be seen as the opposite of narcissism kind people who are happy for others who are succeeding and don't envy them don't feel chronically competitive again kindness could really be viewed in this model as the opposite of narcissism the fifth virtue is Temperance which is the opposite to the sin of gluttony and in a modern world again bit like that Chasity bit it could be viewed as regulation and impulse control things that fall under Temperance could include things like modesty behaving in an appropriate way being forgiving where gluttony is all about being disregulated and not caring if other people are covered Temperance is about being really really regulated and one thing we know about many not all but many folks who are healing from and managing narcissistic relationships is that in fact what I've seen in most survivors is that they are over regulated not even sharing emotions the Restraint of temperance can mean giving lots of Second Chances and being very forgiving which we know is a real monkey on the back of survivors because forgiving a narcissistic person means you will get burned again the sixth sacred virtue is diligence and it is the opposite of the sin of sloth again sloth is not just laziness and diligence is not just getting things done diligence is about doing the right thing over and over again so it's the doing not always doing just because it's going to be rewarded but simply because it is the right thing to do in other world religions like Hind H ISM diligence would be considered to be similar to what we call Dharma it's not doing something Dharma is doing the right thing it's not doing the thing to get credit or some good outcome but rather doing the thing because it's good to do it again this is very opposite of what we see in narcissism people with narcissistic personalities do things to get rewarded to get supply to get admiration having this so-called virtue of diligence can get you stuck because you keep doing the right thing and the right thing is never going to come back at you ever your life can feel like one big sucker bet if you are in a narcissistic relationship now The Virtue folks would argue that's okay keep doing it the shrink Brigade right here would say not so much but to keep doing the right thing within a given relationship and for there to be no mutuality or reciprocity is not healthy for you in the long term but again this virtue of diligence is one more that would get you harmed in a narcissistic relationship and the seventh and final sacred virtue is patience which is considered to be the opposite of the sin of Wrath now this is a tricky virtue because patience as it's written in the the cannon of the virtues is about endurance about facing forward with kindness even when it's difficult not facing down evil with evil patience is about not being reactive about being calm when you're frustrated but really patience is about endurance even when things are difficult it's about not reacting Ang angrily when things are not going your way and again tell me this isn't most folks stuck in narcissistic relationships the rule of these relationships is that the narcissistic person gets to be disregulated and rageful and if we show even a drop of emotion or re action then we are gaslighted and called out as being too sensitive or emotional this virtue of patience is often observed in longterm survivors of any form of narcissistic relationship folks who endure the imbalanced asymmetric and unfair territory of a narcissistic relationship or system that's that's really where this patience thing is an issue so with the exception of Chastity I'm not a fan the virtues actually clearly describe the qualities that many survivors of narcissistic relationships have or experience these virtues are in general pretty wonderful qualities regulation patience doing the right thing authenticity kindness humility most of these map onto the modern personality trait of agreeableness the very people who are most likely to get stuck in narcissistic relationships make excuses and justifications generate rationalizations and basically endure a rather awful relationship with the narcissistic person with Grace the virtues are wonderful when they are met and received in a loving way but for a person in a narcissistic relationship these so-called virtues can be played can be played on and create a play field that only serves the narcissistic person in general the sins tend to beat out sadly the virtues because the sins tend to be louder and more abusive again because these virtues are religious in origin they are often embedded in this idea of devotion and piety but if we can lift them out of a religious tradition and see these qualities more clearly in a different way the seven deadly sins read as antagonism and narcissism and the Seven sacred virtues read as agreeableness so while scripture was never really meant to be a personality assessment or taxonomy clearly there has been a multi- thousand year historic awareness of what is good in relationships and what isn't take the religious stuff out and you can see that this stuff is timeless if you are in possession of these virtues find people who are the deserving recipients of all of your goodness and use knowledge about narcissism to protect yourself since it is natural that you will end up being taken advantage of by them thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

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Length: 12min 8sec (728 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 02 2024