Parenting is HARD (Reddit Compilation)

parents over at it what is something your child has done that made you think i don't approve of that but dang that was really clever my ex-wife decided that my son 15 is no longer allowed to date this year despite the fact that it was never a problem before this coincided with him starting to date a girl down the street whose parents hate my ex-wife though she claims that had nothing to do with it she claims it is to ensure he gets good grades though he has yet to have a problem in that area as a rabies student instead of sneaking out and around or getting mad he went directly to the girl's father and offered to work for him in his shop guy runs a machine shop on his property cleaning up sweeping floors organizing so he got his first part-time job which his mother was okay with and in turn gets three nights a week where he is working where he gets paid to go out with the daughter it was sneaky and underhanded and perfectly orchestrated between my son and this guy's daughter and i am extremely proud of him heck that's just good problem solving my brother once paid a neighbor kid his same age five dollars to mow the lawn for him but when my parents found out he justified it would they just ask for the lawn to be mowed and didn't specify who was to mow it although it was clear it was meant to be him they just didn't say the exact words ten years later the family still has a good laugh at that one this is actually a story about my mom and my uncle that i was told repeatedly as a child from grandparents and mom and her brothers my grandmother was a terrible cook can verify and often made liver and onions my mom and my uncle steve the two oldest siblings out of four hated liver and onions and would never eat it on one such occasion they were behaving badly and sent to another room with their dinner plates in the ketchup bottle so they cut up their liver into tiny pieces and shoved it into the ketchup bottle a week later my grandfather made himself a sandwich and went to put ketchup on it my grandmother never made liver again comma so they cut up their liver into tiny pieces i spent a few seconds trying to work out when they started performing surgery on themselves when my kid was eight we were having some behavioral problems with her to put it mildly went to a therapist who talked to each other individually and figured out the root of the problems she was playing us off of each other despite being only eight she had our number and was unintentionally for the most part winding her mother and i up over some minor thing then watching with glee as we fought over what she wanted us to fight over the therapist suggested we try an experiment the next time we caught ourselves being manipulated we were supposed to lock ourselves in the bedroom and refused to engage with our little hellion her reaction was at once disturbing and enlightening she tried to bash down the door to the bedroom starting with the vacuum cleaner and when that didn't work she went to the kitchen got the pizza cutter out of the drawer and tried to saw her way into our bedroom in order to keep the fight going holy moly that sounds like a horror movie plot kid goes to kindergarten but after a few months parents notice that the kid isn't really getting any better at counting reading or anything really parents ask if they can watch the kid for a day school hasn't got an issue turns out the school puts the kids in three groups red yellow and blue whilst two of the groups are doing less and the third is always in the sandpit playing with minimal supervision compared to those in lessons a kid had worked out if at every changeover he went to the bathroom he could wander in and go straight to the sandpit no wonder the kid loved school as far as he was concerned it was a place he'd been able to play in the sandpit for two months parents moved the kid to another school sort of thought the teachers should have noticed heard a ruckus down the hall and came in to see my younger son four at the time standing over my older one six yo like that famous muhammad ali picture what's going on we were boxing zero oh coma roll the sun had a loose tooth and we were trying to get it out older son gets up tooth is in the ground looks like it worked high fives all around turns out the toothy knocked out wasn't the loose one they were after but a different one oh well this is a response that has made me laugh the hardest when my daughter started high school she immediately started signing her own permission slips so she could wag when she got older and sign her own notes the thing was she didn't even take advantage of it for several years but set up the long con from the start my mom taught me to forge her signature at 16 i started picking up my younger sibling and doing all the grocery shopping i think i maybe used it inappropriately two or three times probably why she trusted me with all that i was a good kid for christmas one year my then 18 month old nephew got a set of tracks his six-month-old cousin got her hands on one and was playing contentedly nephew noticed stood over her for a moment and very deliberately dropped a different toy a few inches from nice who dropped the truck to pick up the new toy nephew snatched up the truck and scurried away niece realized she'd just lost her toy and gave him a sad look nephew hesa stated slowly walked back towards her holding out the truck and grabbed the new toy out of her hands and ran off with both toys he's not great at sharing but the boy does strategize quite well i thought the story was going to turn out wholesome but this is even better not my kids bid my much younger cousins alex is 10 and charlotte is 13. we were playing monopoly and i know that alex is a sneaky frick so naturally i was the banker at some point during the game alex went to the toilet and on the way back he grabbed the 500s from the bank and accidentally dropped them he bent down and picked them all up and gave them back to me and started to walk back to his seat i stopped him and told him to empty his pockets he pulled his pockets right out and gave me a smug grin i let him go because he apparently hadn't taken any eventually it was discovered that he had been conspiring with his sister and when he bent down to pick them up he had passed a few 500s under the table to his sister he then got past me undetected and they split the money when i wasn't looking well those two are going places in fifth grade my kids teacher would let the students retake any quiz if they got lower than a certain grade but she gave the same quiz my kid was deliberately tanking the first quiz finding out what the answers were and scoring 100 on the retake that is just a real lazy teacher who doesn't want it to be responsible for his low performance my son was a kindergartener last year he and another kid were playing during indoor recess and got into a disagreement it escalates and the other kid rears back to punch my kid what does mine do my five-year-old turns around and moons the other kid both were sent to the principal's office both were given lunch detention the following monday the best part is the way we heard about this story is the assistant principal paid my husband a bus driver for the same school a visit to his bus when he arrived to pick up the kids in the afternoon before the kids had been dismissed he notes her amusement as she is telling the story and when she's done she high-fives him i'm fairly sure the whole staff had already heard about it while my kid should not have shown his butt to another kid i am to this day proud of how he managed to defuse the situation he and the kid actually became really good friends after that malicious compliance and finding every loophole to her rule and now he's a lawyer book report he'll do it on a first grade book in sixth grade and analyze the living crap out of it can only get up to sharpen pencils he saved his pencils from every other class to sharpen like 10 pencils a day in her class and take the most circuitous route to the sharpener new rule you have to walk straight to the sharpener and back didn't say you couldn't walk out one stroke to mph and sharpen in slow-mo he has a future in i.t when my son was in preschool age 4 he was very good at putting things together the classroom he was in had a marble game that the kids loved to play but was very hard to put together before you could play most kids would spend the entire play time putting it together my son could do it in about two minutes his teacher told us during the parents night that she caught him putting it together for kids in exchange for their cookies etc at snack time not a bad little hustle hustling at four years old bloody heck my son loves reading he's always really sneaky about reading after lights out and although i have to foil his plans and tell him to go to bed part of me is proud of him for liking reading that much i was never caught reading like this but one of my friends was multiple times and her parents just kept taking away the book she was reading and never giving it back so she would never know the ending i keep my three-year-olds halloween candy on a very high coat hook in the entryway the highest of hooks usually underneath her raincoat it rained the other day and she got a glimpse of that candy bag while i stepped outside for mere moments she got out the stepladder to reach it but the ladder wasn't high enough so she got her potty stool put it onto the bench adjacent to the hook and reached her candy goal when i found her she was casually eating skittles and watching sesame street she then offered me some skittles i was so impressed i couldn't be mad at her when i found her she was casually eating skittles and watching sesame street she then offered me some skittles perfect i hated taking piano lessons as a kid our piano was in a room you couldn't see well from the kitchen or the family room where our family spent most of our time i was supposed to practice 30 minutes a day but i had a tape of me playing the songs i was practicing that i would play but would sit at the piano and read a book wasn't busted for weeks i told my seven-year-old she could pick out some candy at the gas station she came up with two small kitkat bars and i said no you can have one i watched her go put those back and grab the king-sized one instead well played kid this actually just happened last night my six-year-old daughter had youtube taken off her tablet after i caught her watching alive at home birth she is allowed one hour a night on her tablet she came into my bedroom around 3am her mom how do you spell taylor swift me why are you out of bed and what are you doing huh i couldn't sleep so i pushed the kitchen chair up to the fridge and grabbed my tablet i downloaded youtube back on again and i wanted to watch a music video i wanted to be angry but this took a lot of follow through at 3am youtube4kids app my cousin was a bit of a wild child his mother who was a widow was a bit of an iron lady it was the immovable object and irresistible force kind of conflict this was back in the day before cell phones when you had multiple phones in the house but only one line he would be out and around the time of his curfew he would call home when his mother would answer he would say i got it mom like he was home and just picked the phone before she did she would then hang up and go to sleep and he would stay out all night pretty effing clever and ballsy he died a couple years ago and we were swapping stories at his funeral that one came up and his mother was flawed she had no idea she is not the kind of lady who is easily duped it made her laugh which was good simply irresistible my older two were playing on the trampoline with the kids from next door i was playing nearby with my youngest son and was keeping an eye on the kids neighbor boy does a trick and now everyone else has to do the trick my oldest said he didn't want to do it because he didn't want to get hurt my middle son six years old says stop acting like a girl neighbor girl took offense and told my son not to say that my son size and says fine stop acting like a bee then gavin no idea where he pulled that one from he's my only kid that appears to have a potty mouth and we don't even curse in the house i thought it was pretty funny but had to correct him while trying not to laugh correct context so he's got that going for him first some context we are a reading household i would say that reading is my number one leisure activity i read about 50 books a year and my husband isn't far behind there does not exist a single room in my house that doesn't have books in it my living room is packed with six floor-to-ceiling bookcases all double deep even our stairway is lined with books my son is seven last year he was in first grade and much to our dismay he couldn't really read even though he was getting excellent marks in everything else in school he seemed to be well behind other kids of his age in this one area and as a result they put him in a special pull-out reading group every day he would go with one of his best friends to a small separate classroom with the reading teacher so she could help help him learn to read after a full school year of this his teachers reported little to no progress we weren't really 100 sold on the whole smart kid can't read thing in the first place but we were starting to become more and more suspicious about it we decide to run a test we leave books around strategically ask him to read words here or there and watch him as he plays video games and looks up youtube videos kid can read we are sure of it and we become increasingly sure he can read really really well so we are on vacation over the summer with extended family sister is studying for her economics class and chatting with them about it my son my non-weighing son picks up her college-level economics textbook opens to the middle and reads off the first page he sees flawlessly we knew it we freaking knew it as it turns out my son six years old at the time spent an entire year pretending he couldn't read to everyone because as he said he didn't like doing the activity the rest of the class did while he went to reading class because it was boring and he got to go hang out with his friend and they gave them candy my son is an evil genius i actually have a lot of stories like this about him but this one is by far the biggest con he has ever pulled off when i was little we had a similar problem i could read much faster than anyone else sometimes so they thought i was faking it etc being bad or stubborn turns out i because i was dyslexic i learned to read by memorizing word shapes and if they change the font i couldn't read it my father tells these stories pretty frequently about me i was a computer geek in high school loved pirating games music playing computer games hosting servers etc my father was tired of me using all of the house's bandwidth so he set up some throttling stuff on the router or black hold some ports that i needed to use so i would turn on a man in the middle attack and kill the internet modem and ask him to log into the router to troubleshoot he would log in and then i would get his password to reset all the settings i wanted another one but not nearly as cool my father installed a p filter on all computers in the house cyber nanny if i recall correctly that would filter internet based off of an english text dictionary so if you just google boobs or something the filter will block the page so once finding out how the software worked i learned spanish to get around around the filter not a parent but definitely helped raise my sisters since my mother and father both worked i was 16 at the time and my sister was 10 and my other sister was 12. i was really sick and neither of my sister could use the stove i told him they can have food only if it's microwavable or i'll make them whatever they want i was so sick i was bed ridden and wanted to watch movies but didn't have a tv in my room i fell all seep and when i woke up i was in the living room with ramen noodles on the table and i had my sister under the blankets warming me up my youngest sister said you were shaking so badly so we both carried you down here and we made you soup eat up so you be strong i cried and then realized we live in a two-story house how the heck did they get me downstairs i am a 5 feet 2 girl and i weighed 90 pounds now i have always been small but i couldn't have been carried by them right anyways they also were not allowed to watch tv past 530 p.m but i'll let them that time i love my sisters comma 59 p.m that's pretty late though my three-year-old wanted to take a bath the other day but my wife told him no it's not bath time so he asks for juice and my wife gets him juice when she comes back he has rubbed mud in our one-year-old hair just covered so guess what it's bath time now my daughter was doing her spelling work asked her spell and write the word she sits there for a minute thinking thinking next thing i hear alexa how do you spell word clever but not part of her school work in the third grade my son had not moved to advanced classes yet and was just breezing through classes and work he wasn't shy either and would keep yelling out the answers in class before the teacher could call on other students the teacher decided to try to quell this by giving him three sticks if he shouted out an answer when she didn't call on him he had to surrender a stick if he did it with no sticks left he had to skip recess the very first day she enacts this clever plan she goes on teaching and asks a question and my son immediately pipes in with the answer proudly hands her a stick and says i get two more right not apparent but evidently this is something my ex-husband did as verified by his mom ex-husband was a precocious kid and is now probably the smartest adult i know he was in the principal's office one day i forgot how he ended up there and the secretary was setting the bell schedule for the next day's half day ex-husband asked her what she was doing and she told him he paid attention to how she did it he thought it would be a good idea if they had a half day every day so when the bell system was left unattended he apparently set the schedule to shave a few minutes off each period making each day a little shorter than the one before it took the school a little while i don't recall how long to figure out what was happening and to correct it from what i understand they never did figure out it was him this happened 30 years or so ago before security cameras ruined everything he's a software engineer now so he's clearly fulfilled his destiny my 2.5 year daughter was in the second week of kindergarten and not really adjusted yet so some days she really wanted to go other days she didn't well one morning i was lifting her upper body from lying down to sitting by her upper arms like normal while dressing her she cried out and said i hurt her arm she held it really limp for 20 minutes and cried tears if i tried to touch it so naturally i got pretty worried i'd twisted something on accident she refused to lift the arm or move it at all her mom came home from work and scheduled a doctor's appointment on the way cried when we put her in the car seat had to put her arm through the seat belt and when we took her out outside the doctors her angry crying is different from her crying so we knew she was in pain we get in and the doctor carefully touches and squeezes different parts of the arm does this hurt number how about this nope has her grab his fingers both thumbs and flail them wildly around did that hurt nope's big smile she conned us badly and she didn't go to kindergarten that day bought my two kids a gen 1 ipad when they first came out they were unobtainium in the uk for a while but a business trip to chile turned up an apple store in santiago filled with the things so maths class a few weeks later and she and the other little moppets are tasked to devise a way of sorting songs genre artist length country etc etc she finished after about 20 seconds having written in her exercise book open itunes and it will do it auto magically auto magically is my new favorite word of ever my daughter when she was three decided to take a vase filled with decorative sand and pour it all over the wood floor set up a reclining chair put on sunglasses we walked in and got really upset at first because of the sand all over the place and when she saw our faces she looked up at us with this heartbroken voice and said i wanted to pretend i was at the beach we were still upset at the mess but she was being creative and honestly didn't know it was wrong we gently told her that we understand but this needed to be a one-time beach trip and not to dump the sand again good on you to not freak out and punish her for something that she truly didn't know or understand to be wrong while i was out at a rehearsal for some weird performance and crap my kids then 14 and 11 collected all the money and spare change off my dresser and in my bedroom and then the entire house and took the bus downtown and somehow managed to buy tickets to the roger waters dark side of the moon concert they called me at said break and were like so yeah we stole all your money and we're at the roger waters concert just thought we should let you know in case you got home and freaked out cause we weren't there gotta go second side is starting now please thanks bae i was like well frick me why didn't i do that not a parent but a brother of two winstep brothers they're 12 and ever since they were little thieves got their own language for things they can have a whole conversation uses their own words it's very weird but pretty cool if you figure out the word they just change it a lot of twins apparently do this my dad and aunt can [Music] daughter was being a sassy butt i told her i don't like how you are speaking to me right now she responded quickly with well then don't talk to me i was baffled that's a pretty good response six there's a kid in my son's class that is a total pain in the butt talks a lot of crap punches people and says just a joke bro my son take a lot of crap but after several warnings the kid went in for his final titty twister my son slammed him in the hallway in front of several teachers who promptly turned their backs as not to see the incident a similar thing happened at football practice and the coaches turned away as well i kind of feel sorry for the kid because his parents are a couple of real buttholes which i won't get into here but spending any time with this kid drives most people crazy redditers raising teenagers what's something your teenager has lost their crap about that was utterly hilarious pointless my dad has another family and with that came new kids i let his teenage 14 15 at the time son stay with me while the mother father and other daughter were away visiting colleges i was only 24 at the time 26 now so he and i got along pretty well he was a little pretentious but was okay in general he missed the bus and i drove him to school he asked if we could stop at a dunkin donuts i told him no because i had to get to work oh my god this kid starts screaming and yelling that i'm abusing him he tries to open the door and jump out when we were stopped at a light if you get out of this car do not think for a second that it will wait for you to get back in my son lost it when his older sister called him a trapezoid i calmed him down long enough to ask if he even knew what the word meant he said it was obviously something bad and it pee him off that she deliberately picked a word he didn't know that's a brilliant move by the sister my sister flipped out and didn't speak to my parents for weeks after they refused to let her get a stamp of simba from the lion king heartless bastards puberty is just another word for demonic possession there was that time i hear her making angry raw screams in the bathroom i ask her what's up and she swings the door open she had thrown a box of tampons in a fit of rage and had a crazy smear of eye she just stared at me with this absolute hatred but it looked like she was a caveman because her hair was a frizzy mess and her makeup had smeared into a unibrow also her jaw was jutting out in a grouse near she grunted and just slowly crap the bathroom door while keeping the death glare on me as long as she could she was mad because she couldn't get her eyeliner symmetrical had to hold my breath and bite back tears until i could laugh into a pillow for that one i really felt bad for her puberty is a b man i'm 21 and have been done with puberty for years i also had a meltdown about my eyeliner on my way to a bar this eyeliner looks awful no one will like me i am going to die alone even during puberty when it's about the eyeliner it's not about the eyeliner i threw a fit at 16 because my mom wasn't offended by my music my chemical romance i spent like two hours following her around like oh they're singing about suicide and angst mom suru bad she laughed at me and said honey i don't care that is pretty hysterical help your sister set the table for dinner number okay make the salad please everything's next to the sink you don't think i can see that do you think i'm stupid what's the matter why are you upset stop pretending you care stomps out of kitchen slams bedroom door help your sister set the table for dinner number i have a 7 year old well behaved most of the time but who will sometimes refuse to do chores when it's his turn when i get a no like this without a good reason i tell him i'm putting it in the bank after dinner when he asks me if he can play minecraft i cash out the no it works really well and i rarely have to do it anymore he ordered something online and was tracking the delivery house is on a cold sack and fedex apparently missed the house number circled through the loop and drove off but the screams of anguish and invectively threatening to shatter glass i was trying very hard not to laugh and wasn't able to say anything comforting he assumed a fetal position and was moaning over and over he didn't even slow down they said it would be here soon he crawled off to lick his wounds and wasn't watching when the truck returned with his package about 20 minutes later he returned now red-faced furious and literally vibrating with anger because the tracking program showed it as being delivered i calmly and with a straight face gave him the thing and of course i tried to make it a teaching moment about tempering one's expectations and so forth but i was at that point just a middle-aged butthole trying to tell him how to live his life i definitely wouldn't say it was pointless but i think my son was 13 when he lost 183 hours of game play on his current pokemon game the hell of anguish was horrifying and his expression was well if he'd been stabbed in the gut i think he would have made the same face initially i thought he'd been physically injured somehow i felt really bad for him he got over it and everything of course but it was a dark couple of days and there was nothing we could do to make it better losing a save on pokemon is the absolute worst my team i was so attached to all that grinding to get them all on even lvls it's a pain that never truly heals excuse me i might need to take a minute it's just hard you know not quite a teenager but it doesn't bode well for my future my nine-year-old lost his crap last night about not having his own laptop my 11 year old rarely loses his crap but has had a full-blown tantrum because i washed and packed his swim trunks and told him he could wear his regular shorts to go swim in a kiddie pool it took him two hours to calm down during that time i found older trunks and gave them to him after calmed down he said his shorts were fine to swim in and skipped away merrily teacher here spent the last few years teaching seventh grade 12 year olds and now made the jump to 10th 15 16 year olds i was excited that my new students would be more mature but i didn't realize that when kids are 12 most are just starting puberty those hormones haven't really come gushing out yet at 15 they are in full force here is one from today female student not doing her work and pouting me you okay student ignores me me i need you to get to work on this how can i help you to get started student i roll me i'll come back in two minutes to check your progress let's try to have the first part of the assignment finished fast forward two minutes student hasn't touched the assignment me let's step outside so we can talk student glares at me number me listen i know you're having a bad day but we have to get you to do some work today can we step outside so we can talk student no my b-mom won't let me go to the game tonight and now i can't meet up with kendall so i ain't doing this work me you have to stop yelling student bi ain't yelling me you are yelling student crying you don't know what it's like to have a pee and a bee mom to be fair she's right i called the counselor girl apologized later today she put a full water bottle in the freezer for school the next day i told her not to fill it up and to leave the cap off because it would overflow and break the bottle she disagreed was adamant that i didn't know what i was talking about put full water bottle in the freezer the next morning lo and behold the water bottle has frozen and busted leaving her without a water bottle for the day lost her crap seriously i think i saw satan at one point i know i saw the little girl from the exorcist when her head began to rotate after i dared to utter the words what did i tell you she began to scream and yell mostly nonsense she kept yelling and the dogs started barking i asked her to calm down so the dogs wouldn't get amped up she didn't made the mistake of walking towards me while yelling smaller of the two dogs still 65 lbs thought she needed to defend me and gave her a warning bite on her arm to then she starts freaking losing it about that this was not a fun morning in my home frick teenage hormones as a teenager myself i can tell you that 85 of the reason why she was mad was because she was wrong and you were right that's the most aggravating thing to teenagers because we just want to believe we have the world figured out shorts that were too small my definition of shorts that fit correctly and his definition are totally different he thinks if they don't sag they are too small this has resulted in crying on the flip side my two-year-old daughter will cry and scream and flail because i put to pull up on her when she wants to wear a diaper when i was younger i wouldn't wear shorts that went above my knees i guess i saw them as short shorts and guys weren't supposed to show so much legs so it freaked me out when my two kids were 11 and 9 i drove with them back to missouri to visit my mom and extended family including my aunt and her two sons my cousins who were then 14 and 12. just before my children and i left to return to our home in south carolina at the time my mom and aunt decide to splurge and take us out to the new arby's that they had recently opened up in my hometown well somehow my cousins got the idea that we were going to the mcdonald's across the street or maybe they thought that they would be allowed to just eat across the street anyway they walked into the restaurant guess they didn't know what arby's sold and then just lost their crap because we were having arby's and not mcdonald's both cousins simultaneous temper tantrums crying i remember one of them was lying down in the booth and crying like he had lost his last friend so much crying that everyone else in our party had ordered the food gotten it and were sitting nearby eating it and they were still crying i remember my own children were looking at them and wondering wth was wrong with them the event is still referred to in our family is the great arby's incident this made me laugh way too much i have no kids but my little brother stays with me for the summer every year he's 12 right now so he is going through his changes anyways we were getting ready to leave for the day and i noticed he is ready except he was wearing pj shorts i told him to put basketball shorts on instead and he had a complete meltdown he was crying and saying that he can't because he has shoes on he locked himself in the bathroom it was hilarious and i couldn't help but laugh haha i would be a terrible parent when i babysat and the kids do ridiculous things like this i just laugh which makes them more upset but come to think of it my dad laughed at me all the time when i was a kid and it made me really angry my best friend's daughter thought her life was over because her boyfriend couldn't find a cummerbund that matched her prom dress she spent like 40 hours on the phone trying to rectify the situation she was in tears for weeks steam games not working and national politics always entertaining to listen to my kids frustrations with national politics on behalf of my parents i tried to play video games in the living room where our entire family was congregating when asked to turn it off i threw a fit and stormed out into the sunroom i'm sorry family he had to get a haircut he's spent many a year growing out and maintaining his hockey flow this year he applied and got accepted to help out with the local university hockey team he is basically a locker room attendant water boy but it's a big deal for him one of the requirements of the position is that you have to look professional as you'll be involved with greeting helping out visiting teams attending public events with the team working with the equipment manager at the games etc the guy running the program told us that he's in but only if he's willing to get a haircut i require all of the boys in the program to look professional that includes their hair his reaction to this would have made you think that we told him the requirement was losing a finger he almost quit and withdrew his application he cried he refused he cried some more he pleaded he cried again he finally agreed to get it cut and then refused to pick out a style he cried again he cried again he cried again he cried after it was cut he spent the entire weekend talking about the loss of his flow it was all the 13 year old teen angst you can imagine for my parents when i was 15 i couldn't get my hair smooth enough in a ponytail i used to cry and scream in the mirror every morning before school oh yes so many gems from my eighth grader she lost it because i wouldn't promise to buy her a new ford mustang as her first car we are a very middle-class type of family and have never even purchased a new car for ourselves she locked herself in her room for over eight hours then refused to talk to me for several days my crime i informed her that if i ended up getting a new playstation it would be going in the living room for everyone to play she had assumed that all new gaming systems should be solely her property as she is the true gamer in the family screaming sobbing tears coupled with threats to run away and live with her auntie i wouldn't let her get double lip piercings with her two best friends she suiya's up and down that the two girls parents have promised it to them as christmas presents being local law enforcement the school's principal and a local teacher i'm so worried that these conservative parents totally agreed to this and i must be completely eerily unreasonable right read it all i asked was for her to let the dog inside she was sitting about three feet from the door while i was running around the kitchen making dinner i was still in my work clothes and had come home about an hour late oh my god you make me do everything you seriously do nothing you come home from your stupid easy desk job and make me do all the dirty work i am not your slave and i refuse this bulls finally the best of them all all i wanted was for her to use toilet paper after pooping i'm sick to death of hand washing skid marks out of her underwear and i made her very aware of the fact she flipped out and gave me a variety of excuses as to why she doesn't need to use toilet paper including poop does not stick to my boss because i don't get diarrhea and i just forgot okay gord you act like it's a crime to forget things sometimes sorry if this was poorly written as i quickly typed this out while at my easy do nothing job i needed to hurry and get back to sitting on my butt sounds like it's well past time for someone to start doing her own laundry we were thinking of something fun to do at a later date my oldest suggested something him can we do it today me no not today him burst into tears thought i was on the embarrassing dating stories thread for a second and got confused my 13-year-old cousin's recent meltdown she's smart but not in the gifted program at her school and many of her friends are so she wants to be the smartest kid in the regular classes but she's also really lazy she stresses that she really wants her teachers to think she's an overachiever but then complains and whines and throws little fits because it means she actually has to do all of her homework it's not fair i have to like two extra examples on this part why didn't they ask for five you already did five yeah but i want my teacher to think i'm an overachiever so i have to do a few extra again she's offering extra credit this weekend so i have to do it but i didn't want to do any homework this weekend what a strange combination of wanting to overachieve while being lazy i just wanted to be lazy screw achieving this entire thread makes me feel so much better last week i asked my 13 year old to put the dishes in the dish drainer away i asked at 7 8 30 9 30 and 10 20 p.m i asked nicely got crabby and threatened various punishments he just refused he sat on the floor outside the bathroom for hours without talking he wouldn't put them away go to bed or speak finally after midnight i went to bed he fell asleep on the floor in the morning he was in bed and the dishes were away i asked him when he did it 2am i asked what he was thinking about the whole time staying awake that child invented stubborn someday he's going to be a rugged man and save people's lives in crises with sheer dog perseverance but right now it's wasted on every single thing i ask no matter how small i have two nieces and a nephew their grandma decided to take them all shopping for some new clothes she took the girls one day and was going to take the boy the next the next day came and she got called into work so she told him she would have to take him the following day at the time he was 15 and he threw a full-blown tantrum he slammed the front door so hard it broke the glass in it then threw himself down on the ground in the front yard and screamed about how nobody loves him and everyone ignores him and how this was just her way of getting out of taking him shopping i'll answer for my mom and dad so one day my dad decided i should drive my mom to the grocery store when i had my learner's permit so my mom kinda acted like a mom in those teenagers first learning to drive and started screaming so i decide to take it as a personal insult and threaten to drive into a tree and speed up so it turns into a screaming match between my mother and i with me screaming you never trust emmy and her saying you're gonna crash the car when we arrive at the store my dad gets out shakes his head and says you're unbelievable i could have proven myself to be a responsible person that day but i didn't dividing by zero long story short i had my brother from eighth grade up he would get in these ridiculous arguments with us about all kinds of stupid things but the biggest and dumbest one was him insisting that you could divide by zero he would bring it up every so often too when he thought he'd found a new way to pull the gotcha moment it was so sad it was funny when leaving the state fair when he wanted to buy chocolate covered bacon bit forgot he lost his crap exclaiming life has no meaning without chocolate covered bacon mom i don't have any shirts to wear yes you do please just pick one i hate all of my shirts i can't wear any of them so you found a shirt then i hate my clothes i want to burn all of my them and just start over she runs crying into her room slams the door to be fair i'm in my 30s and have this same tantrum every morning my parents would probably say my brothers me and the internet having a 10 year old watching minecraft videos same time as i play battlefield does not make me happy [Music] my brother tried running away to live at his best friend's house because his girlfriend convinced him our mom was emotionally abusive for telling him he had to stop talking to her so he could study for his midterms this girl had some serious issues but he was in love so he didn't see it on three separate occasions we had what amounted to interventions about their relationship and its impact on his behavior yeah more like his girlfriend was emotionally abusive this is the most embarrassing story i will ever tell of myself i was 14 dating this guy who was 18 years old and i thought i was gonna marry the guy well actually no i didn't really believe it but because the entire world was against our relationship i basically just said frick you and said we would get married i stayed with him an extra six months because i was too stubborn to break it off i wanted to prove to everyone that our relationship would last i don't remember exactly what happened my parents got mad at me for something that has to do with him i mean he was 18 and i was 14 so obviously they didn't give me as many liberties as they had with my other boyfriends my own age i took it as them not treating me like an adult goddammit i raged i stumped i screamed i cried and i freaking wrote them a letter telling them how they didn't even care about me and how they would have been happier if i was never born wrote it in a letter because i can't speak in person too well i lose my emotions and cry and never get the words out this led to them bringing me to a family therapist because of my anger issues and i took that as i'm angry at you for not listening to me so you don't listen to me and send me to a therapist so that they can listen to me i quite literally hated my parents for the duration of that relationship i even conspired with my friend to help me run away and i asked her if i could live with her because her mom was a cool mom and i was serious i was going to run from my home live with her across town not that far like half a mile away from my house and let my parents call the cops and search for me and now i look back on this part of my life as the absolute worst most embarrassing point in my life i try to hide it in the back of my memories in the dark parts where nobody ever goes but this question freaking reminded me about it after we broke up for like the first year i was straight up denying the fact that i ever went out with him and had lost my virginity to him i tried to pretend it never happened but then i gave up on that because it allows me to share these freaked up stories with the rest of the world d please don't judge me too harshly my kid is only 11 but she is about 65 pounds and the gym scale weighed her at 82 pounds the school will have that wait for like forever the teacher wrote it down in my file manatees flowed that's sad that an 11 year old is so concerned about weight my 11 year old has lost his crap over a being told his swim trunks were packed and he could wear regular shorts in a kiddie pool at the neighbors the bee not being allowed to bring cardboard into a pool c apple seeds he was hoarding to plant a tree he was eating an apple when he found out and refused to listen to me when i suggested he save the seeds from the one he was at that moment consuming of course i have very little tolerance for the ridiculousness of tantrums and react by sing do not cry for me argentina at my kids neither appreciates it oh crap my dad used to do that to me actually he still does it to my little sisters which is funny as heck i shall answer on behalf of my parents i once tried to create some stilts by binding a copy of a tolstoy novel on each foot each book roughly five inches in height however i couldn't do this without slipping on the laminated cover thus i locked myself in my room for the next three hours and sulked about the injustices of life i was 15 by the way that's pretentious but only slightly my teenage sister lost her crap this morning at my dad because when she awoke for school she was unable to go directly into the bathroom to brush her teeth and so on she was screaming at him about how she would be late despite the fact it was 6 30 a.m her walk to school is 20 minutes and it doesn't start until nearly 9 a.m i'm not a girl but surely you do not need two hours to prepare for school it depends how much makeup she wears or if she curls her hair every morning it takes me about 45 minutes when my hair is down to my armpits school is where you get judged the most based on your looks so for her it can equate to getting early for two hours every day or someone else jogging i don't have kids but i teach teenagers i've had kids flip because i just happened to look at them during a conversation for telling them they couldn't turn in late homework for asking them to stop talking during a test the list goes on kids are weird when my sister was a teenager i probably was too bitter bit older she got quite upset about nothing in particular and yelled none of you would care if i just rolled over and died and stormed off to her room my mum and i couldn't stop laughing but eventually did to let her know we would care a little if she did that she was not impressed not raising a teenager but was a teenager not long ago currently 22 went to the mall with my family when i was like 15 asked my parents if we could get a ps3 they said ask your brother if they will pitch in and if you come up with half we'll pay the other half a very fair offer indeed i asked my brothers they said no as they didn't play video games as much as i did and i immediately burst out crying in the middle of them all right outside of gamestop cried for a good half hour just bitching about how they were selfish and i couldn't believe they wouldn't pitch in not too proud of younger me what is your absolute worst meeting the parent story in my younger testosterone fueled chest thumping days i met my girlfriend's dad he went in for the handshake and sneak attacked me with a two-handed double clasp firm grip so in order to demonstrate my alpha malism i did the spartan warrior forearm grab he quickly escalated to the left hand on shoulder disappointed father pose so while maintaining an ever tighter grip with my right hand i reached up and patted his head he was bald it was awesome i totally won my now wife is a legal mexican immigrant and so are her family she is 5 feet 2 inches on a good day i'm 5 minutes and 10 seconds i assume that her family is small in stature like she is and maybe a stereotyped version of mexicans that i envisioned nope i meet her ham-fisted father who i find out was a federal a boxer and a bodyguard in mexico in the 70s and 80s is six feet four inches 260 and her older brother is just as tall but not as heavy and her younger brother who was 14 at the time is 6 feet 1 inches she also has two sisters who are my height to be fair i was told all kinds of stories about her dad and one of her sisters her dad beat this crap out of her sister's abusive boyfriend her sister getting into knock down drag out brawls at clubs so i am introduced as her friend because she has told me her father is very strict and she wasn't allowed to date in high school now at this time we are in our 20s i sit on the couch and they are all watching a george lopez comedy special i don't want to laugh at all the mexican jokes because i didn't want to offend anyone her older brother turns to me and says you don't think this is funny i squeak out a feeble response and he leaves me alone turns out it was all in my head i had some misconceptions and false expectations and was a bit racist but now some eight years later they are the best in-laws one could want the first time i met my now future-in-laws i wasn't with my fiance at the time we were freshman in college and one of her friends from high school was one of my roommates well one day he and i were hanging out at our place i'm baked as heck and i think he was probably a bit drunk anyway all of a sudden she knocks on our door and very sheepishly tells us her parents are here visiting and want to meet her new college friends she tells us she really hasn't made any friends but doesn't want to look pathetic in front of her parents so asks if we will help cover for her she had told them most of her friends were at class but that she knew we would be around so my buddy and i go to her dorm and there are her parents both of whom were nice enough but i guess i looked even more baked than i felt her parents kept asking if i had been studying all night or something because i look so tired so i just went with it fast forward three months we have started dating and she is talking to her parents on the phone she tells them about me and for the first few years we dated i was sleepy steve not that embarrassing i guess but i'm not sure if they have ever put together that i was really baked the first time we met i met her drunk stepfather he said do you have a car i have two he was going blind from alcoholism so he couldn't drive his cars i only talked to him twice and it was the same both times about cars i got excited for you thinking he was offering to let you drive his cars so not meeting the parents over so but regardless it was still meeting the parents of someone of the opposite sex we were all sitting at the dinner table and in my normal awkward state i proceed to mention how bj is in the dictionary and therefore it can be used in scrabble her dad's face was priceless oh to be 15 again x was italian flew to italy to meet the parents go straight from the airport to this huge family dinner with aunts uncles and cousins ex leaves for the bathroom and the father asks his wife to translate a question whole table is silent she says my husband would like to know if you love my daughter i laugh awkwardly and drink my drink praying they are joking number the whole table is silent waiting for my response so i mumble a yes i met an ex's parent for the first time while they were cleaning out their loft the dad was in the attic handing stuff down the ladder to the mum and i helped out to get brownie points even though i'd recently hurt my back by the mum handing the stuff to me and me organizing it into little piles anyway the dad hands this toaster down and the mum drops it and is bending over fumbling with the wire picking it up while i'm stood behind facing her attempting to crack my spine by pushing my fists against my lower back and rhythmically swinging my hips back and forth brother comes out of his room shakes his head at me girlfriend comes up the stairs shakes her head at me and it was only after i saw the look of utter fury from her dad in the loft that i realized i was air freaking his wife i shook it off by jokingly trying to high-five the brother with my best borat impression nobody was impressed it was awkward from the non-out for four goddamn years i was chatting with my girlfriend while she was on the phone with her parents they knew if me at this point and that was it she is black and i'm white father why do you want to date a black girl anyway my official answer to this question would be that it's meaningless to me what a race ethnicity is i honestly don't think of it very much unless we get nasty stares or comments then i remember that were supposed to controversial even in a liberal college town me speaking only to my girlfriend pfft jungle fever girlfriend oh he says jungle fever i almost freaking died he parents think i'm whiter than cream cheese so they found it hilarious that i'd even know what jungle fever is they laughed for about five minutes i was talking to my girlfriend's dad outside for some reason the conversation turned to grapes at this exact time my girlfriend came at me with what i believed to be a grape i opened my mouth for the sweet nectar it was not a grape it was an olive now the juxtaposition of flavors would be bad for most people however in my case it was the difference between one of my favorite things to the absolute worst food in the world i mean you would think i was allergic so did i calmly walk to the restroom and spit out this monstrosity nope my fun brain decided i should scream like a little girl literally push through every single one of my girlfriend's family to loudly spit and wash my mouth out in the bathroom my father-in-law still asks if i want any olives my freaking white middle-class parents making casually racist comments about hispanic low-income families around my white passing but proud hispanic girlfriend noex who was also from a low income family it really made her and i incredibly uncomfortable and yet they were completely unaware until i started calling them out on it i guess they do it because they grew up white middle class baby boomers or something doesn't make it okay my father-in-law is like that he frequently starts his racist rants with something like now you know i don't have a racist bone in my body but mexicans are the laziest people i have ever met i met my wife freshman year of college after finals she went back to connecticut and spent the whole summer apart upon arriving back at school my first stop was the grocery store to pick up some provisions and by chance i saw her down the serial aisle so i figure i'll make the grand gesture and i start running up to her and then i drop to my knees to slide into her like it's some freaking musical but then her mom steps in between us and i slide face first into her butt we are good friends now i had just turned 21 and had met a girl at a bar she invited me back to her place to do the nasty and warned me that she lived with her parents so we had to be somewhat quiet they were hippies and were okay with her having sex with people as long as she wasn't loud and blatant about it we get up to her room and she kicks her really old cat off the bed before we get down to business i went down on her first and she seemed really excited and got wet quickly we rolled around her bed a lot and enjoyed the night afterwards i got up to go to the bathroom and turned on the light i looked in the mirror and was covered in blood from my mouth downwards and had what appeared to be crap smeared all over my chest and torso i immediately started yelling and her dad burst in the room and said oh wow apparently her cat had shat the bed before we kicked it out and she had unexpectedly gotten her period at the same time i sprayed off in the shower and beat a hasty retreat home i saw him at a bar a year later and he said he had never felt more uncomfortable in his life we laughed about it and had a beer i have a mild but awkward story about dating the boss's daughter i had just started working at a provincial park so i got to meet my new boss and my girlfriend's father at the same dinner at her house so we were having dinner at her parents place and her dad asked me what size boots i wore they provided them the park not her family he's shorter than average maybe five feet four i'm six tall but i have big feet so i when i said that i wear size 13 he gave one look at me that turned from wow those are bigfoot to wow this guy is probably hung like a horse to you're not going anywhere near my daughter of course i still did yeah he only wants his daughter around men with small dongs perfect parenting when i met my ex-girlfriend's father i asked her what i should wear and she suggested a white t-shirt and a blue sweater this was her suggestion cut to the introduction in the lounge and her dad is wearing the exact same thing of course it gets worse we then went to a local restaurant for a meal and a guy on the table next but one to us was wearing the exact same thing as well i can't imagine how this is a problem at all it wasn't my experience but my first boyfriend's experience with my parents dear god it still makes me cringe he was in band and had a ton of female friends most of whom he lived nearby and had known for his entire life so sleepovers were fine the night before our middle school graduation he slept over with his friends and they decided to paint his fingernails each nail a different color so after graduation he and his mom were going to pick me up so we could go to some super sweet eighth grader party he gets there and i tell him to just put his hands in his pockets because i don't know how my parents would react to something so strange that's when my middle-aged father decides to come inside from around the pool wearing nothing but his hot pink speedo to meet his second daughter's first boyfriend cj if you're reading this i'm still so dang sorry even though i'll laugh cringe about it still i was 16 fooling around with my girlfriend at her house when her parents were gone i was rounding third as it were when we heard her parents pull into the driveway we stopped she zipped up her pants and we ran out to the living room jumping onto the couch and turning on the tv her parents walk in groceries in hand and i am introduced to my gf's dad whom i had never met thinking quickly i offer my right hand to him we shake then he grabs my hand and holds onto it he has a weird look on his face and in sudden shock i realize why my index and middle finger was still wet from things i quickly rested my hand from his grip made up some excuse about how i had to go home and walked out i had only been dating this girl for a couple months but she wanted to travel back home for a cousin's wedding and asked me to go i agreed knowing that this meant i was definitely going to have to meet her parents the wedding was in her hometown out in the sticks of south texas we get to her parents house just after dinner time both her parents were on the front porch sitting in rocking chairs we walk up to the porch and make out introductions mother is a very nice and sweet southern belle type seeing as she was from louisiana she asked if i'd like some sweet tea yep mother goes in the house to get the tea and gf went with her to help this leaves me alone with father he seems to have a very sour look on his face and not at all pleased to meet me i later learned that this is just the way he looks all the time i sit down in the vacated rocking chair and a small table separates us he pulls out a small 0.38 special with a recessed hammer and places it on the table between us he says this is meant to be fired from a jacket pocket you'd never see it coming i look down at his gun on the table and then look up at him then back at the gun then back up at him and he has these squinty eyes that seem to be drilling into mine i then slowly reach behind my back and pull out my dessert eagle 5.0 and place it in front of me on the table it is audibly heavy and has a satisfying ta-chunk sound when i lay it down i have a chl i said to him this is my desert eagle it's meant to kill people efficiently at that moment his eyes lit up and a smile grew on his face that i didn't think could get any bigger without his face cracking in two very soon after the gf and mother came back out with the tea and i grabbed my gun and holstered it and got up for mother to sit down father looks at gf and points at me and says i like this one father and me got along just fine ah memories desert eagle efficiently what her dad took me to the basement pulled me into some weird closet room gestured to the safe and allowed me to open it the man was ready for the zombie apocalypse a half dozen or so automatic rifles several shotguns and a handful of handguns and boxes of ammo he pulls out the ar-15 with laser scope on top and says here hold it to which i grabbed it he goes how does that feel to which i replied heavy he laughs and grabs it from me puts it back in the safe shuts the door and stares at me with a scowl i just said i understand and he instantly smiles and says good man and we went back upstairs turns out he is a great guy and is just protective of his only daughter i'm marrying her in two weeks and i'm happy to say i consider him my father as well it all worked out and i knew my place new girlfriend and i decide to bang for the first time while my mom dad and sister are at sunday evening services they arrived home earlier than expected and in the middle of going at it we hear the beep from the alarm console notifying us of the garage door opening this gives us 15 seconds to throw clothes back and forth she ducks into my closet and i run to the bathroom moments later i'm wondering why i am having trouble getting my jeans back on yup they were her pants and that is how my parents found out i was sexually active this is probably one of the best that i know but i'll share anyway when she was in high school or college my aunt dated ted nugent he showed up at my grandparents house to pick her up in a black hearse one night my grandfather answered the door stared at him for a second and yelled back into the house fx's aunt your girlfriend is here then walked away in grade 10 i was seeing a girl we lost our virginities to each other and fooled around for about a month one spring day my mom comes charging down to my room more p than i have ever seen her and rips my laptop out of my hands telling me to stay in my room turns out her dad came to my house and he knew about some pictures his daughter sent to me also both her parents were cops and they threatened me with child pornography charges the next time i saw those people was at an easter dinner two weeks later with her entire family it was one of the most awkward situations of my life i tried stuffing for the first time and to this day it reminds me of this situation at the time i was in college and me and this girl had already been dating for about six months but since we both lived a long distance in opposites directions i'd never met her parents so they decided to come up one weekend and bring a trailer to help her move her furniture into her new house she told me to wait there while she went and met them at her aunt's house to load stuff i thought it was weird she didn't want me to come but not important so i sat there for what became hours and hours and during this time my lower gi track decided to voice its displeasure with me i tried to sit there as long as i could but eventually i figured they haven't gotten back yet so it will still probably take them a little while went into the bathroom and unleashed one of the biggest craps i've ever taken and while i'm sitting there i hear my gf walks into the house looking for me i got up and flushed the toilet into my horror the water rose but never subsided with this great testament to the feckle lords piled in the center all i could do was shut the door while i met her parents and they had a queer look on their face while they sniffed the air to top it off her mom was a police officer and was talking about a murder at a crime scene and other fun stuff for a first time meet the parents encounter com are the feckle lords bravo [Music] first time he met my parents we were hanging out downstairs both 16 still just getting to know each other he'd already met my mom and that had been all boring and normal then my dad came home keep in mind we haven't even kissed at this point he came in saw us lying on the giant bean bag side by side on our stomachs talking and made of oh you two look comfy comment and gave the how do you do's unfortunately for the guy who is now my husband then i was given an opening i should not have been given my dad asked if he could get us anything before i even thought about it i went yay a box of condoms a dildo vibrator a dong ring some anal beads oh and a shetland pony my dad looks from me with a huge butt grin on my face to my now hubby who was beat red face pressed into the beanbag chair looked back at me and then walked out we'll have been married for three years the end of this month and i'm still in no small amount of trouble over it i will probably be hearing about it for the rest of our lives the first time i met my boyfriend's mum was when she barged in with towels while i was inside him she didn't even know he was gay we dressed quickly and left the house in silence and never spoke of it again we broke up a week later when i was 16 my also 16 year old girlfriend of two weeks got so hammered at a party that we called an ambulance i met her parents in the year as their daughter they didn't know drank was having her stomach pumped also in the ambulance on the way there the heart monitor flatlined i thought she was dead turned out the monitor had fallen off her finger tl dr new girlfriend got alcohol poisoning met parents in hospital dated a ghetto latina and her family was full of gangbangers met the family on her birthday but left when the dad cast the cake he stabbed the cake and licked off the frosting i have never been so creepily threatened my friend's girlfriend asked him to come and meet her father in her bedroom when they were both messy on acid the only problem is that her father died a long time ago but she was adamant and he had to go with her and play along with it this happened to a friend of mine and her boyfriend my friend has the tendency to faint when she gets dehydrated they were coming back from a cruise and were in customs they had been partying all night and she didn't feel good just as they got on an escalator she passes out falling into her boyfriend who caught her security called an ambulance and she was brought to the hospital because they were in customs her parents couldn't come in and her boyfriend had to go outside introduce himself and explain to them what had happened they all go to the hospital and are sitting around the hospital bed she's in when suddenly the nurse comes in and goes chelsea we think you may be pregnant you need to take a pregnancy test she described it as the longest moment of silence she gets up follows the nurse leaving her boyfriend alone in the room with her parents whom he had just met he said it was the most awkward five minutes of his life she turned out not to be pregnant and now they've been together almost four years probably too late on this thread but here it is anyway i was just starting to date my girlfriend we were at a party close to her parents house and i was far too drunk to drive home so she said i can just stay with her we snuck into her parents house and we both passed out right away her parents did not know i was there they haven't even met me before yet i vaguely remember what happened next i woke up at about 4am and had to use a bathroom being wasted and not knowing the layout of the house i walked right into her parents room and proceeded to pee all over the hardwood floor her stepdad woke up and about beat the crap out of me he was screaming what the frick who the frick are you what the frick are you doing my girlfriend came in and told them who i was i was so embarrassed i stayed the rest of the night my girlfriend cleaned up my pee i left early next morning to avoid seeing her parents again fast forward to now her parents love me i regularly go over there while my girlfriend is still working to watch sports with her stepdad her mom makes me food too guess you can't say it was a rocky start but they learned to love my floorpea self oh man i hope i'm not too late for this thread i have the perfect story my junior year of high school i started dating a girl one day i went over to her mother's house her parents were divorced and we started watching a movie doing what most teenagers do we started to get down and frisky i have my right hand down her pants when we hear footsteps coming up the stairs i immediately pull out and jump to the other side of the couch her dad walks into the room and having never met me before holds out his hand to shake mine problem is my hand is still wet with female fluids so i stand up and awkwardly hold out my left hand to shake his and just gives me the dirtiest look somehow i think he knew tl dr dad almost touched his daughter's juices i am five feet eight my then boyfriend is five feet nine and his mother is a petite four feet ten i was so nervous that when i bent down to hug her i didn't bow low enough and essentially motorboated my now mother-in-law not my gf's parents but last night i was at a birthday party for a girl when she introduced her mom she said this is the person who gave me life to which i replied oh isn't there another ingredient missing for the recipe everyone gets quiet he passed away a while ago very awkward i went over to his house and his mom was on the couch playing a ds i think we were going swimming so i came back in the house and had my wet bikini on anyway the dad comes in drunk sees me and says hi then asks her where his shotgun is because there was a stray dog that was trying to bite them at his garage did mechanic work she then proceeds to find it for him but she was a little drunk too and mad that he interrupted her game it was a little weird my bf at the time just kind of took me to his room later the mom walked in and we were just cuddling but his shirt was of and i was on top of him she then let the younger brother in to play computer she saw us but couldn't have cared less it's not the absolute worst story or anything but just very awkward and weird got invited over for dinner and a movie my ex's dad was a very intimidating man metal head former addict who is six feet six and close to four hundred pounds of mostly muscle with a poncho for firearms i come in and all is going well he actually seems like a really friendly guy then things get bad we're eating dinner and he excuses himself from the table he walks into his room and is absent for a few minutes we continue conversing and my ex-his mom begins asking about me life goals things of that nature suddenly i hear the distinct sound of a bump action shotgun being engaged and i freeze he puts it up to my back and yells stand up you little crap i get up and he pushes me against the wall he looks wide would be the best way to put it erratic like he was strung out again he tells me to turn around and look him in the eyes and confess to the things i did to his daughter i have no idea what he's talking about and at this point i'm whimpering a bit he finally says he's fed up and staring me straight in the eye he pulls the trigger i quite literally pee myself and slide to the ground in the fetal position as he my ex and her mom all laugh hysterically at me he fired a blank shell at me and to this day i love that man to death the first time i met my friend's mom was when she opened the door to his room to find that her son and his friend me were drinking had an 18 pack on the floor a pyramid of beer cans on her nice table we moved into sid room and that he ditched school to get drunk and play gta with me first and only time she ever came home from work early spent the night at the girl's house her father apparently and not to my knowledge slept in her brother's old room across the hallway but only when the mom had to get up early to go to work it was one of those nights and her father and i both walked out of rooms at the same time to use the bathroom down the hall both naked yaya yikes was drinking at a bar for a friend's birthday this old guy kept hanging around our table chatting with us and was overly a pretty cool guy buying us drinks all night and telling us funny stories i was flirting with this chick who was a friend of a friend and we hit things off fairly well just as i was leaving the girl grabbed me by the collar and started shoving her tongue down my throat and gave me her number as you turned around the old guy smiled and looked at me and said i wondered how drunk you needed to be to try and pick up my daughter i guess that wasn't enough but she usually gets what she wants anyways tl dr girl brought her dad as a woman to a bar to try and get with me when i was in high school i thought it would be cute to ask my boyfriend to prom by having a pizza delivered to his house with prom written and pepperoni well my boyfriend's dad opened the door and threatened to call the cops on the pizza guy when he insisted that he didn't order a pizza once everything was explained i met his dad a couple weeks later orco taco one of my best friends went to a girl's house to meet her parents he was waiting downstairs while she got ready something very common when dating in the 1960s she was coming downstairs and some part of her clothing was undone he didn't want her to be embarrassed so he pointed out the front window and said look unbeknownst to him at the exact moment two dogs were freaking on the lawn surprisingly that was their last date well my current girlfriend's mom is a tad intimidating at first we're driving to her house for me to meet the family for the first time and she goes oh by the way my mom used to work in intelligence for the military so if she asks you anything don't lie to her coma okay we get to her house nobody home who so we lay together on the couch watching movies having some fun her parents walk in later that night her mom is stumbling drunk i offer a hello when they walk in did that boy just say yo to me did i hear him say yo no mom he said hello oh okay she sits down on the couch directly across from me looks at me sternly and says you're italian aren't you i'm american but with a ton of italian in my family uh yes oh good i like that do you like animals come on i love cats and dogs and such yeah what about chickens como i like how they taste this interrogation continued on for about 10 minutes before it dissolved into more of a conversation between us both at the end of which she goes he's nice and has a cute butt i like him i was going to meet my girlfriend's parents we got to her house before they did she made hot chocolate it was the middle of winter which i of course spilled on my lap because i'm a dumbass and she told me to take my jeans off i refused thinking that her mom and dad were on their way from the hospital as we spoke her dad was a nose and throat doctor her mother a clinical psychologist she pointed out that if i didn't i was going to have first or second degree burns in a very uncomfortable place i got my pants off just as her parents walk in i stand up doctors name withheld i realize what this looks like but i promise if you just give a moment to explain this wasn't the first meet but it's close my wife is polish and we were all sitting around the dinner table in poland sipping vodka the night before we got married with the help of my wife translating they asked me what is our daughter's biggest flaw now i don't speak polish but i know a couple words and phrases in an attempt be funny i tried to form a primitive sentence and say also using pantomiming she swears a lot what i said was dozerkawa on the night before our wedding i told the parents of my soon-to-be wife at their daughter is a big w i've never seen my mother-in-law's eyes so big her dad had vodka coming out his nose with laughter and my soon-to-be wife had a lot of explaining to do parents have read it what was the worst thing your kid has ever did that made you momentarily wish you didn't have kids my son was about seven he discovered my wireless hot glue gun from my craft room i was using it that afternoon and stopped to make dinner i didn't shut off the gun of course i didn't get to my craft space till much later and noticed it wasn't there turns out my son took it and hot glued all the electrical outlets he could find i mean all of them i bet that was a blast to fix oh man my kids butted our dog you ever try to catch a freshly butted chihuahua to those that gave me silvers and golds thank you from the bottom of my heart and the top of my lungs i don't know what to do with it but it made me smile a big fat smile and i sure needed it today no but i have butter and a chihuahua so i think you've just invented a new sport one time they decided it would be fun to play in the bathroom it just so happened that i left my wallet and a pair of pants on the floor they flushed about 400 down the toilet i was talking to an older gentleman at a softball game my five-year-old son was standing by us patiently listening with no warning he punched the old guy as hard as he could in the berries the old guy collapsed in pain i asked my son later why he did that he had no explanation just wanted to do it my three-year-old got diarrhea at the park this weekend we were one stroke two mile walk from home with no bathroom in sight i wanted to disappear i keep a change of clothes in my three years is bag juiced in case and plenty of wipes pull-ups as well as a plastic bag when i remember to do it lol but my son has a digestive problem so diarrhea is more likely with him i come prepared for anything it was early morning and i was sleeping in my bed my two-year-old woke up before me and decided that she was going to wake me as well she climbed out of her bed went into the kitchen made a set of stairs to get the kitchen knives grabbed the knife and headed to my bed she climbed into my bed and stabbed me an inch below my eye i woke with her holding said knife over my head and her giggling like the bride of chucky grab the priest a phase of having constant tantrums and explosive meltdowns over absolutely everything like ali as long as she was awake only lasted a few months but it was exhausting and depressing and every now and again just made me wish i'd never bothered i'm starting to think all kids go through a phase like this my son never outscrew it he's 12 and still has meltdowns over everything when my then three-stroke four-year-old daughter asked me very loudly why i don't have down boobies like the elder lady in the swimming pool change room that was standing right next to us getting dressed she actually laughed and said to enjoy my up boobies while i still had them but i was still dying inside when the moody teenage daughter was telling her friends at school that we didn't feed her and we were always angry with her and we hit her and a teacher overheard and reported us to child services so we had to be investigated for child neglect and they had to speak with each of our kids and interview them independently my wife and i are still reeling from that one momentarily i had to take my wife to the emergency room early one morning for intense stomach pain our kids were two and three and it was about one am so they went with us i packed a bag with snacks and toys and loaded everyone up it was the middle of the night when we got there but we still had to park a significant distance from their entrance when wife was back with the dock my son two years old was running around and playing he hit his bumped his his head lightly and started shrieking an ungodly banshee whale i decided we would wait in the car and maybe drive around a little and they'd hopefully go to sleep so i'm carrying the bag and two struggling angry demon preschoolers the quarter mile to the car at this point my son isn't shrieking but he's not happy we encountered an elderly couple and my daughter three years old looks them dead in the face and says hey he's not my parent i was exhausted and frustrated and my arms were tired from carrying them i didn't want to stop and have the conversation and i panicked a little i sped up got to the car loaded them up and left in a hurry i didn't get arrested though i was glad at the time now i'm kinda pee that the old folks just let me go uh here are the kids officer runs away i have two girls who are about six months apart in age adopted one morning i woke up to the worst horror the younger one managed to climb into the older one's crib and then they proceeded to strip each other naked and paint each other and what they could of the crib and room in each other's crap seeing them both standing there grinning gave the phrase crap eating grin a whole new meaning it was a crappy morning to say the least two girls one crib my kids had a favorite chicken it got picked on by the other chickens so they protected it one time i heard a pathetic noise coming out of a little 55 gallon drum expecting a squirrel i carefully glanced in and saw a big 15 gal nursery pot upside down in there i lifted it to find a wet cold and thoroughly miserable chicken standing on a few bricks surrounded by water my kids had thoughtlessly trapped the chicken in there and then being five and two had forgotten all about it i was livid wife and i had a long talk about what it all meant catastrophizing the whole thing but in the end it was just two stupid kids not thinking things through because they didn't have the mental agency to understand their actions had far-reaching results lpt were still freaking waiting for them to start thinking things through can i see a chicken [Music] my daughter from the ages of about three mo old to three years old screamed bloody murder every time she was put down and only slept about an hour or two at a time we found out later she has fairly severe autism which explains it but the sleep deprivation and lack of personal space ever i couldn't even shower unless i wanted to listen to her scream like someone was murdering her was hellish she's grown out of it now and is an awesome kid although she is now entering puberty and her emotions are starting to go a bit haywire but i can sleep for six hours straight which helps me deal with it much better when my son giggled after head-butting me very hard in the temple wanted to leave that small child out for the jaws there for a bit oh also every time he screeches like a velociraptor when he doesn't get his way remember you can't kill him lol the other day my five-year-old walks up to a group of indian woman and loudly goes what's with the dots on your foreheads pause no response what's with the dots on your foreheads i drag him away saying it's part of their religion blah blah blah and he goes once a religion clearly nailing this whole parenting thing early 90s and as my mom and i were walking out of the library we see a group of mohawk head leather wearing metal stud sporting punks in my infinite toddler wisdom i pointed and shouted look mom pirates my mother says she thought we were going to be murdered alas punks are regular people who also laugh when little kids do funny crap i'm 15 weeks pregnant and have a 15 month old for those who haven't been pregnant before the first trimester is brutal for exhaustion with my first i slept 10 hours a night and took a two-hour nap every day these days i'm incredibly lucky if i get seven hours a night and definitely no nap so one day about a month ago i barely slept because i had insomnia at night and my kid relentlessly wakes up between 5 30 a.m and 6 30 a.m i was dead on my feet so i decided to try and lie down on the couch and maybe catch a catnap while my kid played he saw me lying on the couch walked up to me and headbutted me as hard as he could right in the bridge of the nose i heard a crunch and could have sworn it was broken it hurt so badly in that moment i regretted every life decision that had led me to that point my very mature adult response was to burst into hysterical tears and ask him why he's so mean to me i think that freaked him out more than yelling would have that definitely was a more impactful response than yelling i mean frick it made me feel guilty mom mom mom mom mom mama mama mama mama mommy mommy mommy not the worst thing but sometimes you just wish you could be invisible or maybe just call their father's name for once ah yes i remember i had a name once this happened today i live in nebraska and in march we had a devastating flood my basement was completely destroyed and my insurance company wouldn't cover any of it outside water not inside water so my husband and i spent the last 2.5 months and 6 000 fixing it ourselves on saturday we put the final finishing touches on it ready to have company back over and live in our home the house again hooray until this morning my husband checked the sump as he usually does everything looked great basement is dry and all systems go that was 6 30 a.m at 7 am my children all decided to go downstairs and watch a show that's okay too except for when the sump pump stopped working and my basement flooded again they waited two whole freaking hours while watching the water rise before coming upstairs to tell emmy so yet today is when i wished i didn't have kids to be fair two hours might still be sooner than you would have found out otherwise still sucks though my kids would probably do the same thing i'm sure other things will happen as he gets older however at 15 months it's the constant biting and pulling my hair like at least once a day i'm like why did i have a kid i guess i'm thankful he doesn't bite other kids at daycare and only bites me my daycare did daily report cards my mom still has one that reads zuka zuck bit one two three of her friends today my mom was watching and told her to go to her room she took scissors and cut off 75 percent of her hair that was down to her waist and gave herself a joe dirt mullet oh no i've always been scared of one of my kids cutting their hair when i was learning to talk i parroted everything i heard one time my mom had me in a stroller at the mall and this black guy walks out of a store and yells what's up my n at someone and teeny little white me just screams maya and the guy looked over at us and my mom starts apologizing a ton saying i'm learning to talk and i'm a parrot right now and i chime in with a parrot and he thought it was freaking hilarious holy crap this is incredible i have twins they were about eight when this happened i think but they ripped open our next door neighbors bagged leaves and jumped in them and basically just threw them everywhere and erased all the progress they'd made cleaning their yard up i was about eight months pregnant at the time and we had a super kid-friendly neighborhood so i didn't know it had happened at first since they used to run with the kid gang during the day when i found out i made them go over and apologize and made them help me bag up all of the leaves again it was definitely one of the most embarrassing things ever oh and one of them broke a teacher's nose in first grade too so that was a fun school trip i need you to elaborate on that last bit please not mine but my cousin's parents a few years ago my aunt told me about how my cousin spent around 800 us dollars to buy in-game items in his mobile game it was some kind of first-person shooter he received a gadget ban for a couple of months afterwards this is like the new school version of running up long distance calls on the phone bill i remember when my brother had a pen pal in japan and decided to start calling her oh man i thought my mom would actually kill him when she got that phone bill my oldest at the time was 2 7 now i call this event the shitpocalypse decided to roll her poop into a ball and play with it it was everywhere face hands carpet on brothers one yo face god it was awful [Music] my very curious 10 year old had an old phone and was only supposed to be able to make calls and texts only i thought we put some heavy restrictions on the phone my husband and i learned the hard way that we didn't my brother-in-law told me that my son told him that he and his sister watched a video where a girl puts a man's pp in her mouth apparently my daughter had downloaded a porno and decided to watch it while having a sleepover with her younger brother who was four she said she didn't know her brother was awake and watching i wanted to quit being a parent that day when my brother-in-law told me what happened oh no at least you found out about it so you could make sure it doesn't happen again badoof we got called into my son's summer camp program because he had been tormenting a child with autism for weeks we knew the family from church and as an added bonus both of my daughters live with involved disabilities including one with autism you could tell the director thought we were awful parents i was horrified my friend brought her son over to play with mine for the afternoon we were sitting on the couch chatting while the boys played in my son's room down the hall i could hear giggling and such but didn't think much of it suddenly i hear them creeping down the hallway muffled laughing they walk into the living room my son has something draped around his neck my eyes widen in horror he is wearing my magic bullet vibrator around his neck like an argyle sweater on a day at the country club my son speaks up and says hey mom what is this thing i barely squeak out where did you find that he replies we were jumping on your bed and then we heard a buzzing we looked and this was under the blanket oh my freaking god i can feel my friend looking at me please give that to me it's for grown-ups for sore muscles it's not a toy it was the best i could come up with on the spot without missing a beat my friend son looks at mine and says i guess we probably shouldn't have rubbed the thing on our faces dead [Music] not a parent but the kid at two five years old i went to kindergarten for the very first time most kids cry i didn't i slapped the teacher in the face when she bent over to greet me pretty sure my mom regretted having a second kid around the same time or a little later i took the bus with my mom at one point a nice african gentleman boarded now it is important to know that at this point i had not seen a lot of people of color apparently when i saw him i pointed at him and screamed look mommy a chocolate man but the man apparently the man laughed his butt off while my mom wanted to die from embarrassment when i was a kid i was at the park and there was an asian family i grew up in a very ethnically homogeneous country and apparently pointed at them and shouted look mummy a power ranger my oldest son now four started biting and hitting everyone starting at 18 months he would get so angry at any perceived injustice that he would shake he didn't have many words and has always been on the later side of milestones as soon as we would start to be concerned he'd suddenly be able to do things he's the epitome of a sour patch kid whose emotions could turn on a dime we got him into ot last year because he couldn't tolerate loud noises and a lot of textures anymore he started regressing and wouldn't climb stairs he was fearful and angry i reduced my hours at work cut my salary significantly and took him to ot every monday we did everything the therapist suggested he's a completely different kid now some of it is probably normal development that comes with having a wider vocabulary but he's able to voice that he's uncomfortable before losing his crap a year ago i thought i must be a horrible parent i thought my kid was a terrible person and i didn't know what to do he has a lot more emotional regulation confidence and coping skills we enjoy each other's company and i'm no longer a punching bag i regretted becoming a parent for 18 months straight aside from good moments here and there ot saved our relationship and not to be dramatic but probably my life since having his little brother five months ago i've gone through terrible postpartum depression and been through a super traumatic event causing ptsd i've hit rock bottom and i have nothing to give to anyone but my kids and work to stay employed if things between my oldest and myself weren't so good i'm not sure i'd have anything to give sorry for the novel tl dr ot is a life saver i have a child with sensory issues as well so i kinda know what you went through although he still has some behavioral issues getting therapy and finding the right meds for him has been a life saver i also went through many times that i just thought my kid was just a terrible person and sometimes thought maybe i just wasn't cut out to be a mom i'm glad therapy helped you guys so much not a parent just an older brother raising sisters one one of them is a compulsive liar and loves to throw tantrums when things don't go her way i typically just tell her that i don't care when she starts it usually results in her keeping quiet for a bit too one time when my younger two were toddlers three years and four years they decided to pee inside a bunch of cups that the rest of us drink from three last horror story that hit me the hardest i decided to take a nap for about an hour the baby gate was up the tv was on and they were pretty entertained i woke up from my nap to wake up to two kids without diapers on one covered in tea the living room being trashed and worst of all my ugo cards 1000 plus cards being scattered around and torn to absolute shreds r.i.p my heretic dragon deck f for the ugo cards not a parent but was a full-time nanny now part-time when my cousin had her first son everyone swears that all he wanted to do was move but as most infants can't do a whole lot of moving for the first few months his solution was to scream about it and refused to nap and when he did nap it had to be on you or he'd scream bloody murder and if his bottle wasn't ready as soon as he woke up be prepared for more screaming this went on with less and less intensity as he gained more mobility for the first seven months of his life then he started walking at seven months because he wanted to i guess and became a completely different nightmare but much more tolerable with her second son she was blessed with many months of maternity leave so he didn't get used to me as quickly as her first he would scream like he was dying if i tried to put him to sleep when he wanted to be breast fed to sleep those are the times i kinda regretted agreeing to being a nanny especially since it was my first experiences with babies but i felt most bad for my cousin and her husband with their first since nothing would soothe him but now he's a rowdy but pretty sweet two-year-old that told me he loves me for the first time without coaxing on my birthday and the second is also a little less rowdy very sweet one-year-old and i love them so much i don't really miss them as infants so my kids have never done anything that made me wish i didn't have kids but sitting in the waiting room while my infant son had open heart surgery made me question momentarily if having two kids so close in age was a good idea my daughter had just turned two and i was a stay-at-home dad with a wife who worked a lot so it was just me and my daughter during the day her little brother was a bit of a surprise we signed back up with our adoption agency a few months prior but expected a bit overweight like we had with our daughter the call came quickly and the adoption agent asked us if we were open to adopting a newborn baby who was born with a congenital heart defect my daughter was 18 months old at the time and even though there were a million reasons to say no we told them that we wanted to adopt he had his heart surgery when he was six months old and i was freaking out in the waiting room knowing that my tiny frail baby was being open up to have surgery on a major organ and while i was sitting there freaking out wondering if he would be okay knowing that there was nothing i could do my daughter was sitting at her uncle's house waiting for us to come get her it was the first moment i really realized that having two kids sometimes meant having to miss out on the other one for what it's worth my kids are teens now and that was the only time i ever regretted it they are so close and are okay if i have to dip out early on the orchestra concert to head across town and watch the last two innings of the baseball game my son's surgery went well and other than the scar and follow-ups with the cardiologist no one would ever know that he had open heart surgery happy story my son was 12 as we were walking out of the force awakens he yelled out that han solo dies while people were waiting in line to buy tickets for the movie someone just spoiled and game for him last month sweet sweet karma one morning i was trying to enjoy a cup of coffee as i was taking a sip my four-year-old walked up and with the tiniest balled up fist punched me right in the coffee cup which in turn whacked off of my front teeth nothing broke thank goodness but then i was absolutely stunned i couldn't believe what had just happened all i could do was sit there and stare at him in shock my daughter started to cry and hit her bed because she said that she wanted a yellow tongue i locked myself in the bathroom and started to cry my son was in fourth grade when we got an email from his teacher that he stole some things from another kid low-grade stuff and he was working through some things so it was sorted out with some discipline and coaching my daughter is in second grade and is quite the sas machine her mouth is going to get her in some crap one of these days i've just come to realize that all kids are buttholes it's just a matter of when and for how long you might not like them just as long as you love them not a parent the child here my smart self decided that the socket which we had was not pleasing so i decided to put another one in its place at the time my family was basically stealing electricity from the factory right next to us so the circuit was kinda connected not sure about the specifics as an expert i did not cut off the electricity in our house before doing the surgery and got myself blown into the door and half of the factory got cut off from electricity no need to say that my parents were crapping in their pants because of me and at the moment i am pretty sure they regretted having me you know how some people shine in a crisis my teenager is not one of them when i was first diagnosed with cancer they thought it was curable but the treatment was intense and it meant long stretches in the hospital seeing me in the hospital with no hair for the first time broke my teenage son he never visited me again and basically did everything possible to make life harder for my husband laying stealing sneaking out fighting sharp lifting and worst of all was picking fights at home picking on his little brothers using an angry voice for all interactions even after being warned that i was extra grumpy because of my meds he would come ask me if he could do something unreasonable or if i would buy him something insane and get angry when i said no and insult me tell me i don't love him he hopes i'll die good me into losing my crap and luckily i was a stick figure and couldn't do any damage in my roid rage but he could he would start smashing things around the house and then get physical if you tried to stop him for example he put his fist through the wall and when he was restrained he smashed his head against it repeatedly to make the hole bigger he didn't come home for a few days at a time occasionally staying with friends but also sleeping in the subway he was 15. as much as we love him we couldn't handle him we were worried about what he was doing to his little brothers and the legal issues for fighting and shoplifting we got him referred to an inpatient program for troubled youth through his psychiatrist luckily for him when i finished chemo and came home he straightened out again by the time a space was available in the program the crisis had passed and he had been behaving himself for several months also luckily he seems to have matured some because he hasn't fallen apart since my terminal diagnosis hopefully he doesn't parents have read it when has lying to your kids come back to bite you in the butt when the quarry catfish at home died i told my daughter i'd taken it to work she knows critters die i just didn't want her to become fixated on it she visited my office two weeks later and demanded to know why the cory wasn't there made a joke to my 2.5 year old son about locking the car door so bears don't get in he's three now and every time he's in the car he locks the door and says bears well at least the bears won't get in i was the kid but i overheard some teens talking about bj's so i asked my mom what bj's are she said they're special kisses guess who loudly asked for a bj from her auntie at the next family party i like to play music in the kitchen when i cook my kids of course don't share my taste in music and my son would just walk up and turn it off once years ago when my kids were four and two i had a friend over and we were in the kitchen with music playing my son came in and turned it off and my friend told him that there were trolls in the basement and the music put them to sleep and i'd he turned it off they would wake up since they were already scared of dark places including the basement the kids took this as gospel for the next three or four years i had to have music playing in the kitchen at all times 24 stroke 7 or the kids would freak out and start crying about the trolls at one point i tried to take them to the basement to show them there were no trolls let's just say that when tragically did the crappy thing of introducing cell phones to my three-year-old son now he is addicted to it so to get him away from it i always tell him it's dead or broken now i can't get on rid it as often say it's broken and you're trying to fix it when you're on it it'll probably bite you in the bus anyways but it worked for me when i wanted to play a game without the kid i used to live with taking it over i always used to get out of bed in the middle of the night to go sleep in my parents bed instead one time my dad told me the budgieman was coming to get me if i kept getting out of bed all night this just led me to never going to bed and scream crying when they tried to make me well you kept your parents from screaming at least my son asked myself and my husband why we were showering together and i quickly told him to save water when they were talking about recycling at school the teacher asked what their family did to help the planet he told his teacher his parents showered together to conserve water this was actually something my mom did when i was little i hated going to bed i would get up and wander around my house instead of trying to fall asleep one night my mom told me out of sheer desperation that there was a monster who lived under my bed and if i got out of bed he would eat me that night i really had to use the bathroom but i was scared of the monster eating me so instead of risking a monster attack i wet the bed how the frick do you sleep believing there's a monster under you parents told me when they found a dildo of mine that sex toys were a bad thing and shouldn't be used because it takes away the intimacy of sex with a partner then made me throw them away i found handcuffs a rabbit vibrator and a fleshlight knock off in their drawls last week never will i ever be able to have them lecture me without laughing i was the kid in this situation parents tried to make it seem like going to a restaurant is much more expensive than it actually was my mom tried to convince me that tips was 100 of the bill rather than 10 to show how expensive it was oh josh you have to pay the same amount in tips so you really pay double and all that bs so when my parents let me pay the restaurant bill for the first time on their credit card when i was 9 years old i put the tip as 100 of the bill i think my parents remembered their lie midway as they rushed towards the front desk to ask me how much i tipped them it was too late haha that's hilarious what a weird lie to tell as well you don't have to justify eating out being expensive it just my daughter didn't talk to us for a week after she found out santa wasn't real she's also mute so she hasn't talked to this in 23 years why would you lie and tell her he isn't real i told my daughter the tooth fairy would give her money for her tooth that night then i went to bed and forgot to put money under her pillow the next day when my daughter asked why the tooth fairy didn't visit i had to think quickly and said she was on leave and would be back soon when this happened to me i helped my kid look better we found it had fallen under the bed letting my kid grow up thinking his mother was a decent lady once the kid found out what she did when we split up the mom got disowned i definitely get this i grew up terrified of my dad when my mom had custody because of all the terrible things she said about him fast forward a few years and it turns out she's a sociopath and he's actually a really stand-up guy who spent most of my life trying to build a relationship with me not me but i saw on here one time that somebody told their kids that when the ice cream truck is playing music that it means they're out of ice cream i could see that backfiring if their kids saw other kids buying ice cream from it i told my kids it was the music truck worked like a charm for 4-5 years until a neighbor with kids moved in one day my daughter runs in coma dad the music truck has ice cream coma no way that's great here's a dollar go get some that there is called a distraction nothing was ever mentioned of the four years of lies obligatory not apparent as a kid when me and my dad went shopping for groceries he always used to tell me sorry midnight snipe you can't have insert stupid stuff kids want here because mommy took all my money now this worked at the start but then i suddenly realized how is daddy going to pay for these groceries if mommy took all his money so i asked him in front of the cashier loud enough for everyone nearby to hear he still is embarrassed to this very day telling me the story of that one time i made a complete fool out of him without knowing okay mommy didn't literally take all the money but she took so much that we can't afford both groceries and kids stuff now we can live without kid stuff but if we don't get groceries then we won't be able to eat and then we will slowly starve to death so to make a long story short if we get the kids stuff we will die told our girl to check if the door was closed before going to bed when we left her alone at home because of robbers she ended up so scared that we couldn't leave her alone at home anymore my sister was probably four or five at the time my dad and i told her that a cat was really called a duck we even named the family cat duck when she was enrolled in kindergarten she was tested they showed her a picture of a cat and asked her what it was she said a duck my parents got called in because originally they suspected my sister may be a little slow my dad had to confess that he taught her that my stepmother was soapy until she found out that i was involved ah the famous cat test my parents lied and told me that they didn't have any information that would help locate my biological parents i found all the adoption paperwork in my mom's dresser drawer they had hospital records with my biological parent social security numbers in them because of this constant gaslighting and other abuse i'm no longer in contact with them we told our daughter four that she can't go to the bathroom alone or someone would take her well she experimented with that and then came tell us i went to the bathroom alone and no one came up to me and said come with me so now she believes that she can just go wherever she pleases without supervision this is on you guys lol good job losing her trust i lived in an area that had a lot of large propane tanks and yards i guess to power stoves and i kept climbing on them my grandma told me if i kept touching them they'd explode i had nightmares of the tanks exploding and killing everyone in the neighborhood a few years later i saw how it's made episode on the tanks and realized they weren't likely to explode from being touched wtf grandma it is just vietnam get into her we have a farm and pet turkish we also have a we don't eat our friends rule applies more to the cats and dogs than us my son was horrified at thanksgiving when he was about three that it was a turkey so i told him it was just a big chicken i'm sure now that he's in school that will bite me in the butt congratulations you have raised a future member of peta my cousin used to believe that his dad my uncle was a former los angeles dodgers pitcher that is what my uncle used to tell him anyway so the story goes my cousin in the sixth grade has a friend over and my cousin tony would also always tell his friend that his dad was a pitcher for the dodgers his friend would never believe him and tony insisted he was his friend's dad also was some major baseball fanatic and knew anybody who was anybody and especially on the dodgers his friend's dad came to pick him up and told my cousin his dad was not and never was a pitcher tony supposedly cried to sleep and the next day the whole school knew tony lied about his dad being a pitcher however it was his dad my uncle that did the lying for my dad probably all the time he had to commit to driving me around to various stages of a speech contest nationals thing over the period of a week when i was around 10 all thanks to a speech i had penned on the subject of hamsters based on a bunch of bulls my dad told me when i asked him if he knew anything about hamsters i got to third place third place the entire thing was bulls and i only learned the truth 10 years later my son got sick of chinese food four years ago i luved chinese so i tell him it's mexican food when we get it his grandpa got into an argument with him because he was calling chinese food mexican food i had to come clean and now he won't eat chinese or mexican when i was a kid my parents told me the tooth fairy turned teeth into money completely denying that they were the ones taking the tooth and putting money under the pillow being the stubborn curious kid i am i decided to sleep with a tooth in my hand when my parents couldn't find the tooth under my pillow they assumed it had fallen under the bed lost the next morning i came down the stairs boasting about how i had the tooth and the money and had proved the tooth fairy didn't exist and that in fact they had put the money there i was super happy with myself until they said well then i guess you won't be getting any more money when you lose a tooth kind of the opposite of what you asked but i figure it's a good story and kind of relevant i did basically the exact opposite parents probably thought i was but i wasn't the dumbass trading five dollars for a tooth my mom kept her birth control pills on a tall dresser in her bedroom i remember finding them as a maybe eight or nine year old and asking what they were my mom told me they were her headache pills and they kept her from having any more headaches now that i'm older not sure that counts as a lie this is adorable not a parent they would make promises to do things with me like get me out of school early for no reason or show up for parents day or wee it was but never did they never had any real interest in what i liked or wanted to do and never tried to like it likewise i never wanted to spend time with them because they did things i never liked what i learned from them was that anything not done for your own interest was worthless that has always stuck with me i always wish they would play games with me at least sometimes or that i could show them the things i like even if you hate what your kids love at least try and see the value in it that they do mine were the same way and it taught me to find a way to do what i wanted on my own somehow at 12 i got a job so i could learn to play guitar a hobby i still enjoy today but my parents could not give less of a crap and actually told me it was a waste of money because i just quit anyway we were at disney world and told our daughter cinderella was sick so we couldn't visit her daughter says in a hushed voice with diarrhea i said yes we were tired and out of fast passes to use now she talks about how cinderella had diarrhoea every time we talk about disney or caesar pick off cinderella my mom always demanded that we remain abstinent until we were married lest we end up in heck or prison and we shouldn't have kids until we'd been married for more than two years she'd always say we should follow her example because she did it right and look how happy she is eventually i found out that she lied to us about her wedding date and she had actually had a shotgun wedding because my dad got her pregnant after only knowing her for a month or so but surprisingly this wasn't even in the south i also found out she is and always has been profoundly unhappy as a mother i would assume that she doesn't want you to end up profoundly unhappy like she did i got one not a parent but a riding coach little girl takes riding lessons from me for a few months she's doing great one day doesn't show up no return phone calls a few weeks later i run into her in the mall her parents are close but not close enough to stop this from happening she stops me and says she's so sorry my horses died and i couldn't teach lessons anymore i looked her parents in the face and told her my horses were just fine and she should ask her parents why they lied to her gave her parents a tight smile and walked off people who lied to their kids in order to save face disgust me that's a terrible thing to tell to a kid also they might be sad for some time over the horse they used to ride dying my mom told me you got pregnant by sleeping with a boy which i guess isn't a complete lie but imagine my horror when i was invited to my first co-sleepover not a parent but i am an uncle i had convinced my five-year-old niece that i did not have a belly button i would achieve this by pulling my pants up over my belly button eventually she caught on and would loudly exclaim with a smirk i know what's in your pants whenever she remembered or whenever someone brought up belly buttons must be a nice jail to allow inmates to go on the internet my 3.5 and 5 year old made a leprechaun trap a few days after saint patrick's day i tripped it on purpose and put chocolate coins in the backpack that they set up to catch it while they were out now they have an even more trap planned send help i'm sorry to inform you that leprechauns are only in town the week of saint patrick's day then they go back to ireland good job on that one trap though i've had a non-stop headache for a year now a few months ago i told my nine-year-old daughter that my head was hurting so bad i thought it might explode a few months later she told me she actually thought it would explode you really should see a doctor a non-stop headache is never normal daughter heard someone say bee and i told her she can't a wyatt because it's something adults refer to other adults as somehow might have been sidetracked but i never told her it was a bad word she was in the principal for greeting her teacher haybee as a kid i liked dropping things down the heating great to hear the clinking my parents told me not to do that or the heater would overheat like i was giving a fire fuel one day i accidentally knocked a marble into the grate so i thought the entire house would catch fire shortly after so while my parents were napping i moved all of my toys and books out onto the front lawn figuring if i couldn't stop the fire i could at least save our stuff they woke up when i started trying to move the furniture i told my daughters they could open a lid because they did knock and say open there were so many questions i joked with my daughter naming all girls on pictures and tv as monkeys i stoked it abruptly when she started do the same my role i'm a foster parent and i am court ordered to lie to my kids right now that they're signed up for camp i can't imagine it's going to end well i don't think they're going to be mad at me but they already don't trust anyone besides us i had the patio door open and a big flying cockroach got in seven yo freaks out i was almost sure i got it out but told her i was sure got her calm down then the roach came out of nowhere and crawled over her face you said you got it out you lied double quote my snooping butt went into my parents closet and saw the same chocolate the next day in our easter baskets i was mad at them for a while until i figured out they were also santa and the tooth fairy then i was super mad but i got over it i saw the packaging of the toys i would be getting for christmas in the recycling bin that's how i realized santa was a sham not a parent but my dad and i used to go to a laundromat next to the door was a button which said push to open i couldn't read though and asked him what it said he said will explode if preston warned me not to push it i believed him and was deathly afraid of pressing it looking back he probably just didn't want me playing around opening the door repeatedly years later i remembered and realized what it was wtf dad one got one coming to bite me in the butt my wife passed away when my son was three he couldn't comprehend where his mother went and i was not all there for a while one day he brought it up we were sitting outside and he said mommy is in space i didn't correct him i know when he gets older it is going to be one difficult conversation my mother always told me my uncle had died in a drowning accident in his late 20s whilst trying to retrieve his girlfriend's glasses that she had dropped in a lake my mother's family always mentioned that i remind them of that uncle bid in like a wistful way like they were glad i was around because i reminded them all of their brother who died tragically a little over a year ago when we were all sitting around drinking my mother and my older sister informed me that he had committed suicide i'm 30 and for five or more years i've been hearing from my mother's entire family including my grandmother that i remind them of their brother son that killed himself when he was my age really don't know how to take that they just miss him and you probably share some physical traits or mannerisms he had i wouldn't take it in a negative way when i was still very young my dad used to joke that my mom only made vanilla milk and he produced chocolate milk but i couldn't have any of his it actually happened last night to me i'm the kid my maternal grandmother nieves lived with us until she passed away i was around five when she died so i honestly don't remember much from back then she died the summer before 9 11. my mother would talk about nieves when i was a kid and say that she liked my dad taking care of her etc well last night dad and i were talking about grandparents in general and i decided to mention how mom said that nieves liked him my dad tried to chuckle and said well i was a little surprised and said oh what did mom lie to me about it dad bashley admitted around that time he wasn't sober yet he's been sober for over 10 years now and that he doesn't blame nieves for not liking him because he probably wasn't the most pleasant person to be around he then said that she was a good person and he imagined that she would be proud of the person he is today i like to think so too i'm not angry at my parents about it why should i be okay so i'm not a parent but my mom has always had a very strong policy on never lying to us my brother sister and myself i'm now almost 23 years old and i have spotted a few lies that my mother has told me and as long as you're not being too dramatic with a white lie or being secretive and general things should be fine don't be afraid to be honest with your kids man we are a lot better off for it redditers who grew up with strict parents what was the most absurd rule you had to live by my parents were horrible parents in general but the most bizarre rule that my siblings and i put up with was that we weren't allowed to sneeze multiple times in a row one sneeze fine another sneeze after some arbitrary number of minutes later no problem two sneezes in a row get yelled at for being unhygienic even if you covered your nose mouth properly and for having no manners god forbid if you sneezed thrice or more in a row i have seasonal allergies and one time my dad was in a particularly bad mood and caught me in a sneezing fit and grounded me for a week i find it almost impossible to sneeze just once after i open those floodgates there's usually another one or two in the chamber ready to pop my mother will come home from work occasionally and say i know you did something you weren't supposed to go to your room you have 15 minutes to think about what you want to say if you lie you'll get double punishment i would freak out and say anything i thought might be bad i did during the day i watched tv and i wasn't supposed to i forget my textbook at school i made fun of a girl at school i climbed a tree etc she would ground me for a week and i would feel relieved it wasn't worse fricked up thing is that she had no idea what bad thing i did she just knew i would confess to anything and everything being raised religious i always thought i was sinning so this is a way for her to control me and ground me so she was comfortable with where i was when she had night shifts if i farted it was two hours outside even in the freezing winter one day i collapsed in the cold and was taken away from my mum after i was hospitalized three hours after collapsing then lived with my grandparents for the rest of my childhood and legally not allowed to see my mum until i was 18. guess it counted as child abuse this takes a cake for silliest rule disguised as something very abusive i'm sorry hopefully your grandparents were nice something less serious my mom was paranoid everyone and everything was a kidnapper she hated the mailman on our route so when i was young three four years old my mom told me it was illegal to be outside when the mail came around 11 15 every day i'd see that truck coming i'd hightail it inside the house terrified i would be spotted fast forward 30 years i still genuinely feel a tinge of panic in the smallest recesses of the back of my brain when i see the mailman arrive only now it's overpowered by the excitement of my latest amazon package i really don't need my time to shine no nail polish no tights under dresses no drinking tea not allowed to watch anything with any cursing had to call my parents and mom now they are upset that i call them this instead of mom and dad but it's what they asked me to do bedtime of 9 30 until i was 18 parents took my phone at 9 pm every night when i was in high school and read through all of my texts opening my bank statements not a rule that my parents would read my diary and go through my computer and once left video cameras up while i was hanging out with a friend and talking they loved to repeat things i had said or written to me just to let me know that i had no privacy in elementary school my parents sat me down and said we just want you to know if you get pregnant while living with us we will kick you out my parents gave my dog away while i was at school one day without telling me i was nine and these days they wonder why i never want to share anything with them i wasn't allowed to swim in public swimming pools because i would catch aids when my pay class would go to the pool one week a year i had to walk laps around the pool because i couldn't participate i couldn't brush my teeth after breakfast on school mornings i had braces and my mom wouldn't let me brush my teeth after breakfast in fear of us being late for school i offered to make my own breakfast earlier in the morning in order to compensate so i could get all the gunk out of my braces after eating however when i made my breakfast the next morning she revoked my ride to school privilege had to ride my bike to school every day from then on luckily my school wasn't a long ride but rainy days sucked it was my punishment for being disobedient had to get home before the sun set even though i went to school an hour and a half away and would get home at the same time each day but always found myself in trouble during winter at least you didn't live in alaska my stepdad typed up and printed a five-page list of rules he made me print sign and date the last page i was to be held accountable and if any rules were broken i had to move out i wasn't a bad kid the whole thing was to establish his dominance on me i couldn't shave my legs until i was 16 i did when i was 12 mom found out and grounded me i had to ask to get a drink of anything or eat anything couldn't go anywhere unless my little brother could go with two or if he had a playdate if he didn't have anyone to play with then i couldn't either we are eight years apart i had dark dark hair everyone was shaving in eighth grade and mocking me i still wasn't allowed to shave and my lighthead mom didn't understand why it was such a big deal we used my dad's razor until he lost his crap and made her buy us razors nobody in my house was allowed to get the mail except my dad doesn't matter what time he got home leave the mail in the mailbox he would also personally open all the mail no matter the recipient he would always know if anyone touched it as loads of hidden debt my parents were super laid back but my mother's stepdad larry could be a huge butthole but she told me that one morning as a kid she was given the chocolate covered doughnut and as a kid will do decided to start nibbling off the chocolate larry decided this pee him the frick off and asked her promptly to stop eating the doughnut like that oh just let her eat the doughnut how she once said mom's mom washing dishes kid mother continues to eat chocolate around the edges larry then shoots up shouting knock that off and freaking pitches his morning cup of coffee across the kitchen where it explodes on the wall next to mom's mom i'm thankful that larry was not in my mother's life for long i once got grounded for two months because my school bus was late if you didn't instantly say what you wanted to eat my father would cook onions and garlic he didn't like people wasting his time my grandmother made me write out the encyclopedia entry on witchcraft when she found out i had read the first four harry potter books if that counts your grandmother is a nerd no one in the house was allowed to shave or have a razor at all i could go to a barber or shave at a friend's house but had my pc taken away when i tried at home i still don't understand my mother's logic behind this one i wasn't allowed to shave my legs i guess my mom's thinking was that all the hair would serve as boy repellent it wasn't necessary though my personality was more than enough to keep new from getting laid i had a stepdad who was a police officer and all this occurred until i was 15. i had to eat beans first on my plate and then clockwise if i didn't follow this rule i would get no food and smack from dinner table i couldn't listen to vanilla ice because it was black music i had to stand in the corner with both feet on floor and back straight for hours i had a time limit on hugging my mother if we hug too long he called me homosexual slurs i had to get up in the morning and sit on the toilet and shine his leather while he showered i couldn't shut the door to poop i couldn't shut the door to shower or bathe if my bed squeaked at night i would get whipped for what he thought was self-pleasuring oh yeah there is more i just don't want to dig into those tunnels before bed that's not strict that's abusive my dad wrote contracts for me including clauses like daily wake-up bedtimes times to eat and what i ate chore homework studying and sports schedules and strict rules and regulations regarding how i spent my free time such as 30 minutes of computer use or video games one hour of television one sleepover per month etc if i didn't follow my schedule to the dot missed sports practice or a game failed to do a chore or fail to get a 4.0 on every report card i would be super grounded as my friends referred to it basically i had to read quietly in my room i wasn't even allowed outside i had to sign these contracts and commit to them or i would be sent to military school which is where i spent every summer after seventh grade taking classes anyways as a result of those classes i was a couple of grades ahead with math english and science and was still expected to make perfect marks every semester i was grounded virtually all the time but luckily my parents had joint custody and i escaped to my mother's house as much as possible i fought for soul custody to belong to my mother when he finally decided that having caught me in the act with my girlfriend at the time he was going to send me to a military academy four hours away no haven't spoken to him in almost six years don't speak another word to that man you're related to him but he was no father to you my dad was raised with the idea that kids essentially have no opinion which he passed on to my sister and i if we were doing anything and he or my mom needed us to do something else we were expected to immediately drop it and go do the other thing which doesn't sound that bad until i'd be in the middle of painting or something else messy be called to do dishes then in the middle of dishes be cool to clean up the original mess then go to clean that up and be yelled for not finishing dishes and lord help me if i said just a minute or anything of that elk my dad wouldn't let me go out at all the only time he would let me leave the house was to walk to school and even then he had to walk me to the entrance was teased for it all the time due to my isolated upbringing i'm very socially awkward and he wonders why i won't go out and find myself a partner he never raised my sisters that way just me he also wouldn't let me chew gum he would flip out he has physically pried my mouth open to take the gum out he is such a bizarre controlling man my mom used to not allow me to watch any movies that had magic in them jumanji was considered demonic i didn't even see the little mermaid until i was 16. i didn't watch the princess in the frog until i had moved out i was also banned from reading watching harry potter i managed to sneak that in at the age of 20. mom never caught me dad didn't give a care my mom and i didn't get along and she did this count to three thing i used to get in trouble for stuff i didn't do so i got sent to my room a lot i would then refuse to go there so she came up with this rule where she would add an extra hour every time i talked back after she got to three i ended up spending eight hours in my room once because my sister lied about me doing something we had to drink a glass of lemon juice right before bed pure freshly squeezed lemon juice a whole glass timer went on for 10 minutes if it went off and you weren't finished spanking set timer and repeat until the lemon juice is gone i did okay maybe one spanking but my sister has a terrible gag reflex so she really got it bad as you can imagine being five and going to bed like that makes for some nasty heartburn nausea [Music] i was raised religious and my mom invented a concept called my christening home by 11 make it home at 10 50 punished because it was too close to 11 and you're being defiant jesus died for our micro sins my parents were all over the place with strictness when i was old enough to drive my younger sister and i would drive to mcdonald's just a few miles away my parents would admonish us whatever you do do not eat french fries in the car invariably we would get home they would run out open the car doors sniff and start screaming at us for eating french fries in the car we never did when nintendo the original first came out my cousin got one for christmas we were poor so he brought it over so we could try it out nope the new rule became no video games hooked up to the tv because it would ruin the tv for your information they still believe this to be true and still only have one tv could not watch disney movies as a child because they showed kissing before marriage wasn't allowed to go to friends houses or let them give me a ride home from school because i'd be imposing on their parents mother went through my trash to make sure i didn't throw out anything important the rule was that my mom had to pick out my friends because she didn't want me hanging out with anyone who wasn't catholic or was into satanic content to my mom everything was satanic so basically just about everyone i brought home was influenced by the devil because their parents let them listen to modern pop music and watch pokemon and ebz mid late 90s visiting their homes was strictly forbidden on account of the fact that the only opinions she wanted me to have were hers and hers only it also didn't help when i wanted to play at the park with my friends and my mom would literally follow us and watch us the entire time eventually no one wanted to be my friend anymore and that was when the bullying began this torture went on for seven years then my mom wondered why i didn't have any friends and was bullied for such a long time it was a miracle that i even had friends when high school came along needless to say i'm not a catholic anymore and my mom and i are not in good terms there was a crap ton of crazy rules living with my parents mainly from my mom my dad only followed to avoid arguments but this rule was the one that affected me the most my parents weren't really strict didn't have to be but one of the dumbest rules i ever had to endure was i had to wear socks at all times because my step-dad hated me walking around with bare feet it was only me too my mom could be barefoot my younger half brother could be barefoot but i couldn't to this day i freaking hate wearing socks unless i have shoes on my mom wouldn't let me open a new milk without her permission or open anything really without it like we would have an extra milk in the garage fridge and i would use the rest of the mill inside instead of a normal household where you could just get more i had to call her and ask so that meant if she didn't pick up then i would have to wait for her to call back the first time i realized this wasn't normal is when my friend went to open a new gallon of milk and i got super anxious and was like dude you have to call your mom right now or she'll freak out she was like um my mom will be okay if i need a glass of milk it suddenly clicked that my mom was a control freak that i was not allowed to have friends and hang out with classmates because they were worldly or whatever it's called in english i wish i could have had a more normal childhood without feeling like a traitor all the time for wanting to have friends not me but one of my friends for context my friends and i are 23 stroke 24 went over to my friend's house in long island a week ago i don't have my own car yet so my brother-in-law and sister dropped me off i moved to a different part of long island about a year ago so i don't have a ride back home like i usually did back when i lived in queens asked my friend whose house i was at if he could drop me home initially he said yes but as we were all ready to leave to go home my friend informs me that his parents have a tracker on him and he can't drop me home i had no problem taking the train back home bill we were so perplexed when he said it as if it was normal i knew his parents were strict and really wouldn't let him go anywhere when we were kids but holy crap the fact that he's still subjected to this to the point where they placed a freaking tracker on him made me incredibly sad on my way home i would say call child services but i think it's a little late i was not allowed to use the money cheat on sims growing up because that's not how the real world works i used the cheat once and couldn't explain where all the money i had came from so i was grounded and had sims taken away go to school but i won't drive you get good grades but don't stay for any extracurricular or sports because once you get home you have a list of chores to do must be perfect there's a water spot on this fork you have to redo every dish in the house i just made food after you vacuumed you missed all these crumbs do it again why are you still up so late light off while trying to get homework done since i spent hours cleaning no friends over curfew is 8 p.m eight zero one you're not allowed in just stay out you've done everything i asked you don't deserve your room you get the garage and you need to pay some rent to live under this roof so you need to get a job oh you got a job okay move out if your stuff is here by the time i get home it's going in the trash i had to ask for permission to use a bathroom and i was not allowed to shut the door my younger brothers did not have that rule i was not allowed to be in any room with the door shut unless it was with my dad i was not allowed to eat unless i had been weighed if i weighed too much i did not get to eat i was allowed to watch some tv but i was not allowed to touch any buttons either on the tv or the remote my brothers were allowed to do whatever i was only allowed to read 20 pages of material a day this included schoolwork in the mandatory newspaper reading session even until i went to college i was not allowed off of the property unless it was for a job or school we lived in a suburb getting a job was hard because i had to get my younger brothers to go with for the interview and we had to come up with an excuse for them to leave every time i had a conversation with someone i had to recount the entire thing to my parents and in my diary my diary was red on the daily and if i forgot to put something in i was grounded if i ate something without permission i was required to throw it up oh man i have a lot but the one i could say that wasn't overly abusive and didn't make sense was that i couldn't go to school early because if i wanted to be up early i could be doing her list of chores i had every day or if wasn't home by 3 27 i got out of school at 3 24 i would get punished and usually couldn't eat dinner until her chore list was done perfectly a constant whirlwind of trying to make her happy i had two defining moment i realized my mom was not normal in eighth grade i went to her buddy's house and his mom showed up i was like oh frick i should leave but she walked in and was so sweet and asked how his day was and mine and they talked forever i thought to myself how i have never had a conversation like that with my mom it was just orders all the time the second is that every year i have to go through a psych evaluation for my job because the government says that i experienced a traumatic and very abusive childhood and if i wanted to maintain my clearance i had to be checked they also tried to get me to press charges but i didn't want to relive that horror sorry i think i needed to tell someone that my mom was absolutely obsessed with clean feet every day before school she would make sure we got in the bath and cleaned our feet i know most of you people are like yeah well when i take a shower i'm already standing in soapy water so good enough but that attitude will get your face slapped off around my mom she'd have the bath full of scolding hot water every morning and the first thing would we do before eating before showering before changing into our clothes is dip our feet in that too hot water then my mom would load our feet up with this really strong smelling soap from some specialty store or something because i've never seen it anywhere else and she would scrub every square micro inch of our feet with this stiff bristle big toothbrush thing maybe it was for cleaning horse teeth i don't know it hurts so bad the water was too hot the soap's done and the brushing was too intense i never got used to it but i couldn't talk back or avoid it either if i tried to get out of it or complain about it balum slapped across the face complain about the slap boom grounded from tv the computer friends and books it wasn't until i left for college did i experience what it was like to not thoroughly clean my feet every single morning it felt liberating i even walked around without socks sometimes my mom always made us wear two pairs i still had my feet scrubbed like heck when i came home to visit though only those times it felt good as if they needed a good cleaning even now when i see my mom she wants to clean my feet it's pretty great actually imagine going to the dentist to get your teeth cleaned but it's for your feet instead siblings have read it what's one story that you and your brother s sister s swore to take to your graves before your parents ever find out about a few years back i was about 17 and my sister was 19. she was dating this absolute piece of garbage and ended up falling pregnant to him my parents never even knew because she miscarried quite early on i only know because i caught her outside drinking bourbon when i couldn't sleep one night she was crying and i asked her what was up that's when she pulled out this little notebook filled with potential baby names but as i read further into the book baby names turned into poems and letters for this child that's something i'll take to my grave i'll never forget the look on her face when she told me thanks for sharing i am sure that was hard for her my folks went out of town and left me then 13 and my older brother then 17 at home he and his friends thought it would be amusing to start tossing around fireworks left over from new year's eve i'm guessing the air was dry because shortly after they set them off a patch of the backyard went up in flames we all ran around throwing water on it before a good spread folks never brought up the discolored grass and neither did we they knew when i was was seven my brother and i decided in a whirlwind of adrenaline to shoplift from this tiny corner shop i hesitated a little but with some slight encouragement from big bro i pocketed some colorful gel pens those ones that smelled like fruit the shop owner saw walked over and told me she was going to call the police if i don't confess i started crying and admitted the truth but i didn't give up my brother i was grounded for a month with no pocket money my parents were so upset with me it took a long time for me to feel forgiven i never once let it slip that my brother was stealing too we never talked about it we never have in all these years he split his pocket money with me in secret for that month jesus christ my sister would have never split her money for fairness when i was 14 and my brother was 16 my parents went shopping and i was in charge of making sure my bro and his gf didn't do anything my parents wouldn't approve of so obviously i told him he had about 20 minutes before they got back and i will be upstairs about 15 minutes later i hear a car pull up the driveway so i rush downstairs to tell him to wrap it up and i see his girlfriend on her knees literally blowing on his dong he thought a was just blowing cold air on a dong and my brother was too young to know better i made eye contact with my brother and told him that our parents were home and ran back upstairs we haven't talked about it since and that was seven years ago you just know he told his friends and got ripped to shreds i caught my sister having sex with her bf in her truck in a school parking lot i swore not to say anything because she had a job as a fitness trainer and could beat the crap out of me 15 years later she married him and has two kids now and we laugh about that moment but still won't tell our parents my mom had this set of three glass candle holders that she adored my brother and i were playing soccer in the house while we were home alone we couldn't play outside since no parents were home we really were following the rules and one of us kicked the ball directly into them splitting one right down the middle we rearranged them in a way that it wasn't obvious and set it up so that the one that broke didn't look broken and one of us did the dusting every week so she wouldn't find out the ruse lasted eight years until we were both away for the weekend and mom dusted and thought that she broke it we'll never tell one of us did the dusting every week so she wouldn't find out she knew but thought the trade-off was worth it one time my sister snuck her boyfriend over my parents came home miley and they panicked so he hid in my room until the next morning i live in the attic so lots of hiding places i live in the attic you're like the inverse harry potter one time my sister accidentally spilled milk on our leather couch my mom was always bugging her about spilling stuff as my sister was a bit of a messy eater as a kid and my mom is a bit of a clean freak i was babysitting that day and knew she'd be in crap if they found out i dragged the wet dry shop back in from the garage and cleaned the entire thing even parts that weren't dirty i also vacuumed the carpet just as an excuse as to why the vacuum was even used we've still never mentioned that to my mom can confirm and the eldest sister and have definitely done extra vacuuming to help hide sibling messes my brother used to rap he saved money and bought the equipments required my parents never agreed with him being a rapper so he recorded his songs in his room while i kept to check on the door in case one of my parents was coming upstairs it was a scary thing to do because both my parents are junkies and narcissists so they would have been really really mad if they knew but eventually he lost motivation and stopped to this day no one in my family knows that he used to rap we still laugh remembering about it sometimes that's really wholesome sorry about your parents though my brother got arrested in a foreign country where he went on vacation he was caught at the airport with a gram of coke dumb butt my brother and i are about a year apart in age when we were around 10 years old we were hanging out with a friend at a school across the street from our house this friend told us that if you coat a rock in enough mud you can throw it at a window and it won't break he demonstrated and we watched as an entire window shattered it's a small town so my parents heard about the damage but never knew we were involved witnesses brilliant kid logic once when we were both in high school my brother got some weed from a friend and wanted to make special cookies i made the dough but let him handle the actual specialization process since i assumed he knew what he was doing spoiler alert he did not an hour later was sitting down after eating our cookies and nothing has happened nothing i asked him how he did his part of making the cookies and this idiot looks at me and says he just crushed it up and put it in the dough which of course led me to realize he was the biggest idiot in the world and now fast forward a couple months later and he comes to me having actually bought real edibles i have no idea how much i need to take so he tells me that eating two or three should put me on a nice trip i believe this idiot an hour later and however many hours after that cue the highest i've ever been in my entire life i try to take a shower to calm down because i'm flipping crap but i can't feel the temperature of the water no matter how hard i try to focus it's nine o'clock my parents come home we're both high off our asses and together we make nothing even close to a single sober person in order to look casual we both sit on the couch and try to play guitar hero but i can't actually feel my hands at this point so i'm not hitting any of the notes the only thing that saved us was the fact that my parents were plastered and couldn't tell what was going on but the next morning we promised to keep it our secret and i told him that if he ever tried to give me more than one edible again i'd make him eat all of them and watch him suffer omg i feel stupid now i always assumed that's how edibles were made me and my brother were convinced that we caused our mother's car accident because we were playing with a ouija board at the same time she crashed it was quite serious but she was okay car was a write-off we both believed it for years and never told anyone as adults although we are extremely close we never speak about it though i bet he thinks about it as much as i do me and my brother were fighting over who gets the last pizza roll i pulled a cleaver out of the knife block and threw it at him it got stuck in the wall i was five he was six parents never noticed the hole and my brother and i never spoke of it i backed into dad's pickup tailgate with a spare tire of my jeep it didn't it i didn't want to get into trouble so i never told anyone except my brother dad had just come home from a business trip and assumed some butthole backed into him at the airport parking garage they still don't know i was the butthole when dad got all his teeth removed at once he stayed overnight at grandma's so me and my sister both snuck our boyfriends in and had them stay overnight mayo i've done this too showered together and everything felt so adult too my brother held up a store in the 90s in a misguided attempt at being robin hood of the ghetto seems the store owner bumped prices for certain ethnicities and since he was the only store openly just got away with it my brother went in and didn't actually steal anything he just told the store owner to stop it in the end he sold the store and we got the current owner who sold two pops for 1.00 and is still beloved by the neighborhood coma in a misguided attempt at being robin hood of the ghetto discount omar background our house had been robbed twice before this story the first time we were on vacation and it made my mom really sad because she was basically exclusively targeted they stole all of her valuables including her jewelry and her collection of vintage chanel the second time that house was on the market and we walked in on two men trying to steal our safe before my dad chased them down an alleyway a few years later i'm in sixth grade my parents went to argentina to celebrate their 20th anniversary and my 16 year old brother and i were staying with our grandparents my parents gave us strict orders to not go back home unless we needed something and then to lock up 12 one night my brother went to a dallas stars game and my grandfather decided he'd take me to watch football at his old high school i needed to pick up my raincoat i was trying to unlock our door when i see six large men at our dining room table through the window i run and call nine one one our house was in a nice part of town so they brought four police cars one of the officers is yelling to come out with your hands up or we'll break down the door hugh my brother and his five friends terrified walking out one of them had peace himself turns out they had been smoking pot at our place and he gave me that story so we wouldn't know what's up my brother was furious and told me i should have checked before which confuses me because what do i say hey are you robbing my house or are you just my butt of a brother my grandfather was super cool about it and was like yeah i won't tell your mom this'll be our little secret my parents still have no idea lol you did the right thing by calling the police then it's better to be safe than sorry so even if your brother is mad don't feel bad about it my grandma and grandpa had a fully finished apartment in her basement which my dad sister and i lived in during my dad's divorce dad had the bedroom my sister and i shared the living room we were teenagers 14 and 15. we were both in serious relationships as serious as they get as a teenager lol we knew dad went out every wednesday bowling so we planned to lose our virginities to our boyfriends on the same day while dad was out so we could each have our privacy neither our dad nor our grandparents know and it's been 12 years this sounds like you were dating your sister my oldest brother passed away unexpectedly in another state my elderly mother was unable to handle his affairs so my other brother and i went up to settle as much as we could turns out that he was a hoarder like garbage bag after garbage bag piled on top of another that was squished down because he was walking over them the front door could only open about six inches because of the piles the refrigerator was duct taped close god know what horror was in there both toilets were broken and usable so my brother had been using a five-gallon bucket inside he and i had skyped periodically and he had a little stage set up in the middle of the trash there was no way i could tell my brother and i arranged to have a special cleaner come in and clear everything out to this day our mother doesn't know i don't think she even knows what hoarding is ro condolences what a terrible thing to walk into after you lost your brother this will seem more political than intended it's not a debate about gun control my lovely parents are on somewhat opposite sides of the spectrum in all arenas of politics and parenting so long story short my oldest brother shot my other brother in the foot accidentally i don't know why i was shown this i was probably around eight at the time i knew enough to know it was grotesque i knew when he said don't tell mom that meant never tell mom or anyone ever there was a cavernous puffy hole in between his metatarsal foot bones inflamed and very postulous it was clearly infected my ato md skills weren't quite top notch and i was just like nope can never tell mom or anyone now i would snitch in a heartbeat if someone's safety is at risk when my sister and i were around 13 15. we had a mostly full bottle of tequila that our parents confiscated it sat in their bedroom closet for a few months until one night they had friends over and decided to make margaritas with it i started to panic because i had been taking and significantly watering it down multiple times since they took it they hadn't shown any interest in drinking it until that night so i figured they'd never know i told my sister about it and she said that she had been doing the same thing luckily for us our parents and their friends who aside from the margaritas had only been drinking a few bud lights or so all got stupid placebo drunk they had no idea my late husband and i got a dna test and found out there was no native american in his genetics i'll never tell his parents brother accidentally bought a month subscription for hulu on my dad's credit card and forgot to cancel it for over a year and at that point we have no idea we still had it but dad never found out there was a time that my mom came home while we were waiting for some lsd to kick in i like the big brother i am made him stay and converse with her while tripping for the first time in his life i left and got food came back and she was gone he was only mildly upset but apparently he held his crap pretty well we just laugh about it now not the same but i was sworn to secrecy about this and had to admit it my brother once karate chopped me across the bridge of my nose when we were six amd he was nine i was sworn to secrecy and was crying the entire time gave me two black eyes well this was during the height of the central jersey children's cancer cluster apparently in the early 80s a local company poured a bunch of super cancerous fluids into the water around that area and a bunch of children got cancer so my parents thought i had brain cancer or something due to the two black eyes i gave up my brother while we were in the hospital and i was screaming about having to be put in the mri machine because i thought it was going to eat me mri researcher here you're right they do eat you glad you got out brother took the family car for a joyride one night when he was around 14 i was supposed to be watching him but being 21 was having a party of my own luckily there were no problems that arose my little brother dislocated his shoulder pretty badly as a teenager once you dislocate your shoulder once you can be prone to it happening again he ended up dislocating it maybe six times over the course of two years and had to have major reconstructive surgery because of it the original dislocation did not happen playing basketball on a saturday morning as my parents believe it happened friday night when he fell running from the cops after his friends were caught drinking behind the school i picked him up helped him pop it back in and came up with the cover story all there was the summer he came home from a camping trip with his very swollen calf indoors and dressings told my parents he fell while hiking and got a huge gash on a rock really the dumbass drunkenly thought it would be funny to light his leg on fire and accidentally gave himself second-degree burns he didn't feel much pain what with being hammered and all so he chose to finish his three-day camping trip without seeking medical care which resulted in it becoming incredibly infected i spent the rest of the summer helping change his dressings he did a lot of dumb crap drunk my brother dislocated her when i was about seven and my brother was 10 or 11 i was visiting my dad my brother lived with him and we were out doing young brother stuff mostly fighting or exploring well for some reason we decided to have a rock war yup you read that right we started throwing gravel like rocks at each other probably 30 40 feet away well i was getting crushed and little pebbles kept nailing me and i wasn't hitting him at all so of course when i find the bigger stone probably three four x the size of a gravel stone i pick it up and think there's no way i'll hit him but maybe he'll dodge it and open himself up totally clocked him in the head with it and he was bleeding a fair bit we get home and dad asks what happened i tripped in the gravel driveway he said we've never spoken about it since i was 12 he was 14 our parents went to a weekend getaway our aunt stayed at our house to look after us can't remember why she was not there at the time so we took my mom's car and went on a joyride to the arcade he crashed trying to park and we bailed out till this day they think it was my aunt my mom and her husband were out of town and my sister's boyfriend spent the night in her room i didn't know he was there so i walked in on them making out never spoke of it again after my dad got laid off from bell my sister and i started secretly slipping money into his wallet we were in our early teens it probably didn't make much difference but in our minds we were helping i'm the youngest of five my siblings were 10 to 17 when i was born they never told me that they all saw my dad get the crap beat out of him before i was born by my mom's cousin's husband for adultery accusations i never would have known if my elderly mother didn't confide in my first wife and ask her to never tell me which he did my brother smokes weed and does acid and he offered me acid one time also he did the ego d thing and he made me promise not to tell that broken phone of mine that mom used her upgrade on to get me a replacement yeah i didn't drop it on the patio i threw it at my sister's head during an argument and it bounced off the wall behind her my secret closet mice i rescued a couple of 99 feeder mice from the pet store and decided to keep them in my closet in an old hamster cage even though i wasn't allowed to have any more pets well the cage bars were apparently not narrow enough to contain said mice so they escaped i had to tell my brother and sway him to secrecy to help me look for them i found one of them within a day but the second one was on the loose in the house for almost two weeks before my brother found it in his closet we set it free in the green belt behind our house and our parents never found out i had to give him my allotted gamecube time after school for two weeks to get him to help it was torture watching him get farther in my game than i'd been every day but it was worth it in the long run me and my brother would go into the backyard and take a pee this happened every day until the neighbor saw yard p is best p he smokes weed which is illegal in my country but whatever right it's not like he's already been arrested before for stealing a phone the double down on tattling how i broke my leg at age 11 both parents are dead now so i can tell the whole internet i told mom that i tripped over a host bigot when i was running that was not true twin bro and i had made a swing out of a jump rope and a stick and were launching ourselves from the top of a fence after a few good swings i took another turn the rope broke as we should have expected but didn't because we were kids i slammed into the ground and broke both my tibia and a growth plate all right so this one is actually about my kids i had to run into work for an hour or so last summer so i left my oldest in charge get home house isn't burned down no one is heavily bleeding so we're good however oldest tells me her phone fell off the arm of the couch and the screen is cracked middle kid confirmed story youngest has run off and isn't paying attention she needed a new phone anyway it was an accident so we go online and order her a newer iphone she's super excited a few weeks later we are talking about the phone and it falling over the couch youngest seven it's eating at the kitchen table near us and says that's not how her phone broke he proceeds to explain that she was too lazy to go down the stairs to get it so she threw a rope down from our catwalk and had her siblings tight around the phone shockingly the phone fell out of the rope halfway up we asked seven year old why he didn't tell us initially his answer you didn't ask me fair enough dude i'm pretty sure my girls were going to take this to their grave needless to say all this didn't get her new phone she got my old one which had a broken camera and power button i sat here thinking about it for a while until i realized that my parents probably already know everything about me and my siblings like it's small stuff that we just don't say though but we are pretty open with our parents of course we kept secrets from them when we were teenagers but now when we are all adults they know those things too my family rented a minivan when we were at an out-of-state wedding and it was parked under the hotel in a parking garage during the reception my brother and i were about 13 stroke 14 years old and thought it would be a good idea to take the minivan out for a spin while all of the adults were drunk so we find the keys in the room and i get in the driver's seat this is a typical parking garage with large cement pillars every other parking space but of course i didn't notice this i put it in reverse and crank the wheel and hear the sound of the front bumper nearly being ripped off my heart sinks into my stomach as my brother and i jump out to look at the damage which wasn't as bad as we thought it would be but it was definitely noticeable we put the keys back in the room and went back to the wedding like nothing happened and by some miracle no one walked in front of the car until we returned it to the rental place the next day i watched the enterprise lady look at the bumper and i nearly had a panic attack but she just raised her eyebrows and ticked a box on her clipboard my mom got a huge bill in the mail for the repair so she called and insisted that one of their people just have crashed it after we returned it and she didn't have to pay it parents have read it what thing has your child done that caused you to feel the most second-hand embarrassment my then four-year-old ran up to a man with a prosthetic leg and poked it and started badgering him about why he had a spring foot it was one of the blade style ones meant for running i guess while i'm dying of shame while trying to pull her away and apologizing profusely he just starts laughing and takes it off to show her he explained that he had cancer and his leg was sick and the doctor took it away so it wouldn't make the rest of him sick too then they gave him the new leg so he could still run cool dude it's not as if she said anything cruel she was just genuinely curious good sport obligatory not a parent but a nanny the kid's parents had just had the don't let people touch your private parts talk with the two older boys i was sitting on a bench with the baby while the boys played on a playground when i overhear the oldest he was five at a time telling a little girl whose mom was standing right nearby you don't let anyone look at or touch your penis okay little girl responds but i don't have a penis i have a vagina and then my boy responds with the other classic what's a vagina can i see it i bet you were dying from laughter when you heard that we were in a stall in a public toilet my son very loudly exclaimed mama you have a really biaeic virginis was in an elevator with our young daughter so is heavily pregnant with our son a black lady enters the lift carrying her baby and because it is deadly silent my so said to our daughter look at that little baby we're going to have one of them soon my daughter replied but not that color likewise when my friend was a little kid he was with his mom and saw a black lady holding her newborn my friend said oh look a puppy and then proceeded to pet the baby when i was five my parents took me to denny's one weekend for breakfast i have a brother 10 years older and he would often feed me lines understanding i had limited experience yet that he was pulling older brother shenanigans waitress arrives and it's my turn to order i proudly order what my brother described as the best dish on the menu i'll have the wham bam thank you mom slam waitress dad parents jaws dropped brother giggling and i didn't comprehend the awkwardness but my parents taught me well so i had please reminds me of the time i got my little brother to approach my deeply conservative grandfather and solemnly in turn jihad jihad jihad my sister's kid was exploring her and my bill's room and happened upon a pair of handcuffs in a drawer he asked her why she had handcuffs and she told him it was because she once wanted to be a police officer apparently he was quite taken with this idea and told all his friends at school and his teacher that mommy had handcuffs from when she was almost a police officer that is not what the handcuffs were for we were at a fancy restaurant with my older daughter who is quirky and socially awkward she was about 10 i think as we were leaving we were picking up our coats from the coat checker and my daughter said to her totally out of the blue don't you want to be something better like a manager or something we apologized profusely made her apologize and explained to her why it was a terrible thing it was to say when we got home i really wanted to crawl into a hole even now thinking about it i feel bad that a little girl who really didn't understand what she was saying could have possibly really ruined the woman's day i'm not the parent but i'm the sibling and was present when this happened my mom took us kids plus her co-worker and her kids to the body museum in nyc disclaimer here my mom and her co-worker work in the labor and delivery department in a hospital so we were pretty educated about the human body from an early age so we're walking around looking at the bodies they are mostly all real preserved stretched out etc bodies donated to science neat we get to a point where there are a whole lot of penises stretched out because skin does that my younger brother walks up gates of this exceptionally stretched piece of art and says quite loudly wow that's bigger than dad's all of us kids are laughing or moving away in embarrassment and my mom and her co-worker are cracking up and trying to shush him from saying anything else not me but my friend my buddy his daughter and me were in home depot buying something for a project we were doing at his house his daughter i think she was four wanted down so he let her walk around with us well while my buddy and me were looking at something his daughter decided she had to take a crap so she climbed up on the display toilet and started crapping neither one of us noticed until his daughter started screaming daddy i need booty paper i was laughing so hard i thought i was going to pass out i had to sit down to laugh because standing just wasn't an option my buddy had no clue what to say or do for a solid minute he was beyond embarrassed but we laughed on the way back about it until we told his wife who was beyond payoff about it but to this day he will not let his daughter in home depot without holding his hand i'm a soon to be father and can't wait for funny moments like this comma to this day he will not let his daughter in home depot without holding his hand i know that she is still under 10 probably but i like the idea of a 20-something year old holding her father's hand i am home depot dad i think i'm old enough to not crap in the toilets anymore well i'm not about to take that chance come on give me your hand when i was a toddler my mom took me to court with her nothing trashy it was an unpaid parking ticket because she was a new mom and her mind was all over the place apparently i interrupted the court by walking over to a random black man handing him some napkins and saying you have chocolate all over your face according to my mother she took me to lunch at annapolis to meet another mom friend when i was three years old and i was wearing a sundress she didn't realize that i'd for whatever reason ripped off my underpants in the car on the way when she came back she realized that the entire restaurant could see our table and i was sitting splayed out for the entire world to behold my vagina another time around the same age we were at church and i kept kicking the pew in front of us she warned me that if i did it again she'd take me to the parking lot and give me a spanking needless to say i kicked it again and true to her word she got up and tried to take me outside discreetly as she dragged me down the aisle of a very quiet and very catholic mass i screamed the entire way begging her not to beat me in the parking lot i think we ended up just going home vegeta my kid at a public playground reached in his pants and chucked a piece off his poop down the tunnel slide yeah we left after i bare-handed picked it up it's those moments when you think i couldn't have imagined as a kid that adulthood would include palming human crap without a second though but here we are secondhand embarrassment oh boy my kid is a piece of work in a public bathroom and i'm trying to pee daughter is about 2.5 at the time and screams why do they always have to scream mommy why do you have so much fur on your bus sigh because mommy has no time for a wax apparently in the grocery store nearing thanksgiving time an older man walks up to daughter who's now closer to four the man has an extremely large amount of skin in his chin neck region my aunt you a pretty little girl what's your name he says to her she replies what's wrong with your neck why do you look like that why do you look like that turkey in my book in that moment i wanted to die oh okay so i'm the child here when i was in year 2 uk equivalent to grade 1 my parents would always send me off to school with a piece of fruit for my break in case i got hungry problem is i never was hungry and didn't want this fruit in my primary school we had set seats in the classroom and had our trees full of our stuff under the tables so instead of burning the fruit or taking it home i just shoved it in the back of my tray and forgot about it every day weeks later it started to smell because it was all rotting then one day my mum came to collect me from school and my teacher came out with me with a plastic bag full of rotting fruit she just handed it over in front of all the other parents and said please don't give her any more fruit for school my mum was mortified and i didn't get any more fruit for school i'm from the us and i'm embarrassed by how long it took me to understand binning so embarrassed that naturally i had to share with everybody told the school headmaster hadn't fed her breakfast and made her packed lunches for a week where in total honesty we had been doing but she had been throwing away her lunches to get school meals that we had to then pay for i'll always remember the conversation with the school defending the fact that i wasn't a bad father and i had made her breakfast and lunch we were standing in the lobby of walmart looking for a movie on redbox our son was five or six and our daughter was two or three and both were with us an older man walked into the lobby and smiled at the kids as he passed by our son yelled why is that man so old i was mortified because he kept his mouth shut in public i was very pregnant with my second child when my first child was probably about five years old and he was very proud of the fact that he knew that i had a baby in my tummy so we were walking along one day and he would point to random larger women and say look mommy she has a baby in her tummy too one woman snarled back at him i am not pregnant i don't have a baby in my tummy to that my son responded loudly oh mommy look she's just fat brutally honest that last response was perfect story my mum told me about what i did when i was younger i must have been about to bill we were in the queue at the supermarket and there was this elderly lady in front of us and apparently i was staring at her with a confused look on my face then i suddenly came out with you're going to die soon apparently she took it really well but my mum must have been mortified late to the thread an obligatory did not happen to a child but my grandfather had alzheimer's and my aunt took him to the store as they were walking through the store they saw a tough mean biker looking guy with long hair a beard tattoos black leather etc my grandfather said directly to the biker boy you are one ugly dude my aunt was mortified and a little scared at how the biker would respond the biker leaned over to my aunt and softly said alzheimer's don't worry i understand my father had alzheimer's too pretty amazing response from the biker when my son was six we stopped at a convenience store on the way to the airport we get out of the car to find several people standing outside because the place was locked clearly the solo worker had to use the restroom or something so they locked up for a few minutes we are all standing there patiently waiting and this lady walks up and says is the door lock my son looks at her in disgust and says loudly why the heck else do you think we are all standing out here i wanted to die this is probably my favorite ask dumb questions get dumb answers build it so literal and from a kid it's that much more funny not necessarily embarrassing but moments that have made me laugh till i cried or just flat out had the wtf look on my face my 4yo son while out shopping with me would say to everyone he passed by como estus pepe we are hispanic and live in pittsburgh where there's not a lot of hispanic people around went up to a female mannequin and held her hand and shouting mom i'm with my girlfriend turns to mannequin your beautiful paper dances in front of every mirror in the store and says mommy i'm so handsome and continues dancing he's building up self-esteem one time my husband was describing something and said thick my son comes out of nowhere and says oh daddy said dong we turned to him and said what daddy said dong like the one in your pants thankfully we were home but discovered he learned this at school comma turns to mannequin you beautiful papi i'm dying of laughter this is great took my daughter to the bank with me they had a play area set up for the kids with a few toys and books so i let her go over to play while i waited in line my daughter she's actually my biological niece but i'm raising her due to my sister choosing him over her kids is autistic but high functioning she's just weird sometimes i wish i knew what she was thinking it probably went something along the lines of the bank having tile flaws she sat down on the tile lifted one cheek and let out the loudest fart i've ever heard it echoes through the bank followed by manic giggling i just pretended she wasn't mine as she went back to playing collected her afterwards and died laughing in the car i must be doing something right lol you're an amazing aunt mother and probably an amazing sister too when my now six-year-old daughter was around two or three she loved the despicable me movies however she called the minions hippos for some reason you can imagine what happened my wife daughter and i were at the store a rather overweight man was walking towards us wearing a giant t-shirt with a graphic of a minion on it daughter pointing directly at him yells very loudly look look a hippo he noticed and we had to explain what she meant i'm waiting to go into a job interview and shaking with laughter hoping my eyeliner doesn't run that is hilarious a couple weeks ago we were at the pool and my 3.5 year old son and i were going up the stairs to the slide when we got to the platform at top there was a woman looking over the side to see when it was safe for her to go my son see her and says mommy that lady has a really big butt t-h-i-c-c my son is seven he has been taking taekwondo for almost two years every couple of months his belt class does testing before they move to the next color belt anyway his belt group were all seated waiting on their turn in this particular day the belt class testing before them was one girl this girl is super sweet and gives it her all she happens to have down syndrome she is almost done she along with instructor all parents and my son's class were laser focused as she was doing her last set of moves you can hear a pin drop suddenly my boy tips the loudest longest and stinkiest fart that has ever been after a long pause in which i was beat red everyone including the girl burst out laughing during that pause i could not have been more embarrassed we had a nice long talk on the way home i hope you talked about how impeccable his timing was that's the stuff of comedy genius when my son was in preschool every few weeks he would walk the class to the nearby library where a specific librarian would read then a story a year later we were there and he wanted me to meet that librarian so i did first thing out of his mouth was this is my mommy she's very smart she's going to be in school forever so she doesn't have to pay the government no idea when he heard this and he's probably not wrong my three years old was sitting in a booster at a busy restaurant and goofing around so i told him he either sits on his bum or gets a seat belt he didn't comply so my dh started to buckle the seat belt on the booster up and three years old starts yelling not the belt dad i don't want the belt not me but my parents first keep in mind that i was a completely butthole of a kid for real big one my mother says that if i was born first my actual sister wouldn't exist needless to say anyways when i was young like four or five years old my parents my sister and i went to the zoo one afternoon and the day went great until we were at this crowded place listening to the guide talking about some animal i don't remember and i was being me a total little crap shouting kicking people crying you get the point so my mother tired of my crap takes my arm and lifts me up leaving my whole body hanging at this point his hand is fully prepared and charged to hit me in my butt cheeks with the force of 100 angry mothers as she tries to hit me i move my body to the side dodging her so in this big crowd place full of people staring at a guide the woman next to us gets slapped full force in the leg shouting his lungs out fu someone just slapped emmy my mother literally crawls out of that place and my father follows her asking why the frick we had to leave the girl that got slapped never knew it was my mother as she played it really well and that is the most second-hand embarrassment my father's lived every time we tell the story we end up crying of laughter your english is pretty great i wouldn't have known if you hadn't pointed it out the only error i noticed is your use of his his is used when describing something that belongs to a man while her is used when describing something that belongs to a woman for example the woman fell on her arm and the man walked into his house hope that helps my parents like telling the story of my younger brother screaming titties every time he saw a woman mannequin my dad was a classy guy not embarrassing but every time i'm on the phone my daughter three one stroke two likes to get close to me and say my mom spanked my butt usually the person on the other end just nervous laughs my kid whipped his dong out on the playground in kindergarten two decembers ago i was dang near speechless when i got that call at work needless to say had to have a serious conversation with him when i got to the school to pick him up i told him that it was super inappropriate to show all his friends his penis out on the playground in the middle of the winter he needed to wait till springtime so shrinkage wasn't a factor we have a proud family reputation to uphold that'll be his teaching career over so i'm the child but i remember how the story was told i was probably around five years old my parents were throwing an ice cream party towards the end of summer my dad wanted to show off his new piece of ice cream making technology i guess the house was packed and this is back when we lived in a small duplex at least 30 people showed up i asked my mom if i could go play in the sprinkler outside since it was hot she said it was fine so i went to my room to change well i was so excited to play in the sprinkler that i didn't put any form of swimwear on i then went sprinting out of the house to frolic and water in my birthday suit i was free as the wind for about 90 seconds before i heard my full name being yelled by my mom this was bad since she almost never calls me by my first name needless to say i was lectured by both parents and they continued to host the party red-faced for the rest of the day my mom always loved to tell this story in 1968 she was flying with my three elder sisters to their new duty station in okinawa dad had left earlier and was in the army at the time as they're going through the airport in california my sisters see a man in uniform at five four and three respectively they assumed any man in uniform is daddy so they ran up to this poor man yelling daddy daddy my mom and my sisters are blondes with blue eyes the soldier was black my mom said the guy laughed about it and she bought him a cup of coffee while she was on sighting for her flight i have a few and i keep telling her we don't talk about the way people look but sometimes she forgets she just hit four this week at the post office she saw a man with a large wart on his face and said mommy this man has a bubble on his face we passed someone with vitiligo and she said that sometimes people's skin looks funny we were on a road trip with a friend and i said i need to stop at the next rest area and she asked does mommy have to take a crap our friend who was driving almost crashed the car from laughing too hard i'm the child in this situation and i'm male my mother tells this story all the time now but at the time she was cringing hard when i was a kid about three i was obsessed with tv i'd watch everything even the adverts well mum takes me shopping while my brothers are at school sat in the trolley being quiet probably plotting how best to get the box of cheerios behind me when we get to the health and hygiene aisle my eyes lock onto a product next to me and i recognize it off the tv and suddenly begin singing at the top of my lungs body form body form for y o u u apparently i attracted a lot of attention and a few laughs it was the peak of my career in the entertainment industry not a parent but my parents tell this story about my brother whenever they need to make someone feel better about what crappy thing their kids did my parents took my brother to the mall when he was about four my mom needed some work clothes and promised my brother that if he was good while she was in jc penney's she'd take him to the toy store and buy him a new hot wheels car well he was a little terror the entire time hiding in the racks of clothes running around the store messing up folded clothes my mom and dad had to chase after him the whole time so when it came time to leave my brother asks if they are going to the toy store my mom tells him no you were bad he lost his mind he threw himself on the floor and starts crying when my dad goes to pick him up he screams stranger danger stranger danger the entire mall stops to stare at my parents my dad picks up my brother and pops him on the bottom a lady gave him the death glare and my dad holds my brother out to her and says you want him 23 years later this is still one of my parents favorite stories after swimming i cut my foot girlfriend was helping me clean it up her daughter tried changing out of her suit she got the suit off but while putting on a shirt it got stuck on her head she proceeded to run through the house in front of my family wearing nothing but the shirt while yelling kids have to take advantage of being able to run around naked while they can before the age of seven i am told i was rarely wearing clothes my nephew was in a restaurant with his dad the first time he saw a black person he really loudly said why are those people so dirty they should use your soap daddy the men he said it towards started laughing but my brother-in-law got so embarrassed he left immediately it's worth noting that my brother-in-law is a mechanic so he comes home covered in black grease and smudges which is why my nephew mentioned the soap oh man one of my nieces cracks me up the kid has absolutely no fricks to give at the age of five she'll sit in your lap and rip farts lounge around watching tv and rip the loudest farts i have ever heard while you're sitting next to her there was the time the kids were in the pool my husband and i were outside keeping an eye on them she hops out of the pool and just stood there unloading her very full bladder i'm the aunt in the situation so i just bust up laughing every time this kid does something my sister-in-law on the other hand turns the deepest shade of red never change sugar monster the peeing thing is pretty gross though my four-year-old son started at a babysitter and played with all of the other kids except one one of the little girls was autistic and non-verbal he told me in the car one day that he didn't want to play with her because her face scared him i tried to reason with him that we can still be kind to people that look different and we should be friends with them just as anyone else the next day i went to the babysitter to drop him off he jumped right up on the porch and said arista's face is scary but i'm going to be her friend anyway i was more heartbroken than embarrassed i have bright green hair and today on the train a little boy kept pointing at it shouting he has green hair green hair at me the father was visibly embarrassed and tried to keep the boy's hands down fingers from pointing i found it hilarious ten years ago our family cat had to have an operation and came back a much meaner cat yesterday my mom revealed to me the cat had died during surgery and they had gotten an almost identical new one and never told us read it what gray lies have your parents told you for your own benefit my dad and i had rabbits growing up one day i'm assuming a dog got into the cage and ripped one of the rabbits to shreds i remember vividly watching my dad picking up the rabbit pieces with a dusk pan in the yard when i asked my dad what had happened to patches he said he got a disease for many years after i thought rabbits could get diseases that made them spontaneously explode my parents bred rabbits always sold them to this asian man and italian families i thought these people really love rabbits turns out they did just not in the friendly fluffy pet kinda way this is actually a gray lie told to one of my parents my grandad was a pilot in world war ii and when my mom was little so that she wouldn't grow up thinking daddy killed people they told her he just dropped leaflets not bombs this came out at a large family dinner as it turned out she'd never realized it wasn't true the looks on everyone's faces as my mum asked him to confirm it was just leaflets and he conceded that actually the leaflets were somewhat dangerous and explode they were quite something shortly after we got a new kitten one of my other cats got hit by a car my parents told me the cat sacrificed himself by pushing the kitten out of the way of the car kind of a weird thing to lie about but i guess it did soften the blow a little bit when i was really young my dad ran over our dog bruno on christmas eve and told us that santa had run him over with his sleigh for years i believed santa had accidentally killed our dog not sure how that was supposed to make things better he could have said bruno was adopted as a reindeer or something not dead our pet pot bellied pig was hit by a truck and it shattered his pelvis the vet put him down cause there was nothing he could do my dad just told the vet to incinerate the pig when he got home my mom and his kids asked dad where the pig's body was so we could bury him he got a bunch of junk food from the freezer and blankets and stuff and stuffed them inside a large garbage bag we then buried the garbage bag there was a eulogy food from the freezer the vet didn't think you'd want him back so he made some sausages [Music] my mum replaced my russian dwarf hamster pocahontas about five times before finally she got fed up with it i didn't find out she'd been replacing my hamster until a couple of years ago when some asked me how long hamsters live for and i said about 10 years and she laughed and then told me russian dwarf hamsters have weird but common infections mine is currently her pirate hamster due to an eye infection when i was younger my parents employed a terrible babysitter for a while she would let her own kids set fire to or cut up our belongings while she sat on her fat butt playing tetris all day i would race home after getting off the school bus in an effort to catch my father before he left for work so i could get permission to go to a friend's house instead of to the babysitters i only found out in the past year or so that he didn't actually work at a time but was suffering through depression so instead of just giving me permission to go to my friends every day after school he'd lock all the doors turn off all the lights and ignore my knocking yeah well row that's a much darker grey when i was little my grandpa used to go out to las vegas with some of his army buddies so one day i came home from school we lived with my grandparents and i said hey where's grandpa mom said he went to vegas with his friends i didn't remember him packing but just kinda accepted it a week later we drive to the hospital i'm totally confused at this point and there's my grandpa in a hospital bed he had a massive heart attack and since i was so close to him they didn't want to tell me my grandmother swears this never happened and i'm imagining things but i've gotten my mom to sheepishly admit to it when i got my car at 16 my dad told me that if i ever ran out of gas the mechanic would have to reprogram my car's computer and it would cost me over one thousand dollars i made sure to keep the tank at least one stroke for full of gas because i didn't want to have to pay that money to get it fixed it probably kept me from getting stranded out in the middle of nowhere and was a pretty clever little story to tell because i was already a penny pincher back then almost 20 years later i brought this story up to him and my dad swore up and down that he would never tell me a lie like that i have a friend that currently believes this i don't know if his parents told it to him to keep him from running out on gas or if they actually believe it either way i never say anything because i think it's funny he's currently 26 for reference we adopted a rescued racing greyhound when i was young he was lovely and very fast unfortunately he had to be put down quite soon after we got him because according to my parents he had something wrong with his brain from running round the track constantly making him dizzy all the time i brought this up when i was in my late teens and my parents admitted that he actually had ripped the neighbor's cat to shreds racing greyhounds are trained to chase her mechanical rabbits and so he was deemed too dangerous to live your parents explanation was semi-accurate the best lies are the ones that resemble truth when i was younger my parents got my siblings and i a golden retriever he was the best dog in the world in my eight-year-old eyes one day he just started crapping all over the house and a few days later he ran away according to my parents i stood outside in freezing cold weather for hours crying and yelling his name and for him to come home of course he never returned a few years ago on a hunch i asked my mom if that's what really happened and she told me no marshall ate a thermometer the glass ones filled with mercury off of the counter and went crazy hence the crapping everywhere so we had to put him down at that point i was old enough to understand that they did what they had to do but they could have at least made me come inside and stop calling for him they were probably sobbing uncontrollably at the site in front of them the image of you standing in the cold yelling for your dog is sadder than the ending of molly and me years ago when i was in junior high my stepdad died from cancer he and my mother knew this was coming so they went and picked out a nice house to buy with the insurance money later mom told me that he also wanted to take care of us so he had set aside money for all of our college funds well college comes up and mom swears she never said that so community college so my mom died when i was 15. she had told me that she was born in north dakota and her maiden name was youngblood shows up like that on my birth certificate she also said she was an only child anyway she passed away and my dad and i always thought that she never told us the full story when we compared stories she had told us separately the small details would never match or something big would be different my dad told me about a time he had found some wedding photo of her when their first got married bit of a much younger her he said he could never find it again so about six years after she died i was at home one day when my dad comes through the door he was really serious and had this worried look on his face he asked me to sit down at the time thought we were going to have an argument about dishes he told me that he got a phone call from someone that i should know about that someone turned out to be my mom's sister who neither of us had a clue existed in one ten minutes conversation i found out the following about my mother one my mother was born in new york and was 13 years younger than we had been led to believe and she had given us a false birthday the two she never told us her real name her real name was not even close to the name we had always known her by three i have a half sister four her family was huge and lived on the east coast five she had been married to some guy in the military six she never kept in contact with any of her family and they never knew about us until they tried to find her that sounds spooky and intra-going i desperately want to know more my father told me ringo starr had to stop being mister conductor on shining time station because he lost his accent and was so embarrassed he would no longer appear in public apparently you hadn't seen the christmas episode that explains this as a side note how old is it that george carlin played mr conductor next a bit off topic here but i found out santa wasn't real from my fourth grade teacher when we did secret santa in class if she started the topic off with well we all know santa isn't real so let's do secret santa in class i cried in third grade my parents were having a raging argument in the kitchen i told me mom that if she kept yelling santa wouldn't bring her any presents she responded i am goddamn santa and stormed off i was crushed me at the age of six mom where do babies come from mum babies come from mommy's bellies when they are much older and want to have babies me so they just appear mom yes me then what are boys for mom nothing really i grew up thinking boys had no real purpose for existing let me tell you sex ed in the fifth grade blew my world apart nothing really classic mum oh i've got a humdinger my family had a cockapoo mix growing up we called him gooey he was mostly my mom's dog but me and my brother loved that him one weekend my mom brother and me were leaving to go visit my grandparents when we returned my dad was acting weird and sadly told my mom that he had found gooey dead one morning while we were gone my dad said that he was old and he had died in his sleep in his favorite spot he even took us to the nice little grave he made for him so us kids could say our goodbyes fast forward a few months and i have gone with my dad to his job so i could play with his boss's daughter me and the daughter are in the yard playing when we see the neighbor kids come outside with a dog i stopped playing and asked to pet the dog because it looked so much like my old gui i told my dad about the dog right before we left his job that day and he acted surprised and told me to show him which neighbor's house had this dog my dad is talking with the guy who lives there for some time and then comes back and gets into the car it's then that he drops the bomb apparently while we were off at the grandparents house to visit he had taken gui and our two other dogs to a local swimming hole so they could get exercise by swimming because it was so hot unfortunately gooey had run off during the swim and my dad went nuts trying to find him for the rest of the weekend by monday he had given up and decided to fake the dog's death reason being because he couldn't bear to admit to my mom and us that he lost the dog so he built a fake little grave and covered it in big pretty rocks so no wild animals would dig it up and told us the dog died of old age he even threw his back out making the rock mound which had him out of commission for quite a while at this point i'm just so happy because gooey is alive i'm not even mad at my dad for lying dad says he talked to the neighbor who said we could take gui back he just wants us to wait a few days to pick him up so his kids have a chance to say goodbye to the dog we get back home and i bound through our front door and before my dad can get a word and i shout to my mother that gooey is alive we found him d mom is understandably confused looks at my dad's guilty face and puts the whole thing together and proceeds to flip crap on him for lying about the dog i didn't care though because i got to get my dead dog back he ended up living to be about 20 he was a good boy tl dr childhood dog comes back from the dead i thought you were gonna say that the neighbors ran off with the dog and you never got him back when i was a little kid i was sitting in a car at a store parking lot waiting for my dad so i see my dad coming back and two guys approach him they talk for a second and he gives them his money clip and they just walk away now my dad is very cheap and never gave money to anyone and i always had off brand everything cause it was cheaper and he just gave some two random dudes a bunch of money so i was like wtf dad he just said that they needed it more than he did only years later when this incident came up did he reveal that they had a gun and he got robbed but it was so casual it didn't really look like a robbery they didn't pull out a gun or anything they just showed it to him in a waistband that's a good dad good for him mine also involves a cat but he was my first pet so there was so much feels involved i had brutus since i was one bill we were going on vacation for the first time and we dropped my cat brutus off at my aunt's farm that was about 20 minutes out of town someone to babysit him while we were away on vacation he ran away and i was heartbroken four months later brutus showed up at the end of our street he had a very specific birthmark on him so it was definitely the same cat my dad saw him and his jaw dropped he was with us until i was 18. found out later at the age of 22 aunt was not babysitting and in fact they were trying to get rid of him brutus did not let that happen my parents got owned tl dr parents tried to get rid of pet lied to me saying aunt had to babysit pet finds his way home four months later and that kids is the adult version of homeward bound when i was about seven years old i came home from school to my mother sitting on the couch waiting for me she told me that my bird noel had died that day i was so upset a couple years ago she admitted to me that she had a sinus infection that day and stayed home from work the bird wouldn't shoot up so she opened the bird's cage set it on the back porch and let my bird go free she thinks it's funny the bird was kind of annoying i guess just put a blanket over the bird's cage and it goes to sleep instant quiet that my father's biological father got sick and died when my father was just a few years old it turns out bipolar disorder and suicide might as well be stitched into the family crest on the bright side my generation is the first to benefit from better drugs and behavioral understanding go us in your parents defense in a way he did sort of get sick and then die they were just really smart on the exact details and mechanics of it still that's a really tough thing to inherit genetically and i'm glad to hear you're doing better than he did keep on keeping on best wishes brother i used to have this huge stuffed teddy bear i slept with it every night my mom's boyfriend at the time was a truck driver and they told me he took it along for a ride with him once to use as a pillow he didn't have it when he came home and he told me that he had given it to a little homeless girl and it had made her so happy i had proudly told everyone at school about the story and even had my teachers pray for the little girl i was in a catholic school my mom was just sick of the thing and they didn't want me to be upset she had thrown it out she told me years later when i happened to bring up the story your mum is mean my sister got a budgie on her birthday when she was very young on the first night it escaped from the cage and our bernice mountain dog ate it my father woke up in the morning realized what happened raced to the pet store at the mall bought an identically coloured budgie and put it in the cage my sister didn't learn about it until like 10 15 years later long after the bird had died he had forgotten about it but brought it up one day along the same lines i had a goat and a duck the two were inseparable i mean that very literally the goat raped the duck nearly every waking minute at the time i didn't know what they were doing my parents just told me they were hugging wrestling whatever one day i came home from school and they were both gone i was so sad my mom made up a big elaborate story about they had run off to have adventures together in the woods and that they'd be back someday i eventually forgot about the whole thing when we got our rottweiler the other day i found a picture of my siblings and i carving pumpkins and the duck was in it with us i was like oh my gosh mom whatever happened to good old sparta the duck's name and napalm goat's name i wish i hadn't asked the goat raped the duck to death then proceeded to try and eat its corpse anus first when my mom discovered the scene she was so disgusted she drove the goat to the nearest farm and threw it over the fence my father went by later and talked to the farmer he said he'd keep my dad updated my dad actually kinda loved the little fellow not two weeks later the goat was ripped limb from limb by a coyote ah childhood i don't know whether to laugh or cry i was told my grandma couldn't stand up for a long time because she was old i wondered why my other grandma could stand up fine turns out she had bone cancer and my parents didn't tell me because they didn't want me to treat her differently growing up we had continual squirrel infestations in our attic it drove my dad crazy so we decided to buy no kill animal trap and release them several miles away in a nearby forest they would disappear for a few days but would eventually end up their way home this must have happened more than 20 times then one day they stopped coming back i asked my dad what happened and he explained that he drove them into the country very far away and released them i never thought any different until recently one night at dinner my father confessed that he did not take the squirrels to the country he put them into a plastic garbage bin put the lid on duct taped it shut and cut a circular hole in the side he then ran a large pvc pipe from the exhaust of his car to the bottom of the sealed garbage bin and turned his car on the squirrels died my dad is squirrel hitler i found a kitten under my brother's car his car wasn't working at the time and i brought it in it was so long ago that it's hard to remember anyways it was really cute and i took care of it and my parents told me she ran away but later my parents actually told me the truth and the truth was that they purposely made it drink antifreeze to kill it they're such buttholes from the first until the third grade i had an english teacher who i really adored she was always kind and happy and a generally nice person always with a smile on her face you could see that she loved kids and teaching she always talked about moving to london i'm from russia originally two months before my family moved to germany she disappeared i asked my mom if she knew anything about this and she said that my teacher finally managed to move to britain 10 years forward and the topic came up again because i was curious why our teacher left without telling us anything my mother told me that my teacher was on vacation on her land house and apparently two disgusting buttholes raped her there and killed her afterwards i was so shocked and angry at my mother not saying it earlier now being 22 i am gateful that my mom didn't tell me until i was old enough to understand still i'd wish i had a chance to say goodbye and i hope these sexy got what they deserve when i was younger i had a pet goat after a while my parents had to give it away they told me that they sent him to the farm that he was born on turns out that a jamaican family bought him and ate him those jerks when my dad died my mom told me that he went in his sleep and it was painless i was 16 at the time and i needed to hear that it was only years later that my brother confessed how awful his actual passing was my mom told us my dad was in remission it's a miracle a blessing from god my family member said she left out the part where remission simply meant the cancer stopped spreading and not gone as most people think quite the shock when three months later it was suddenly in his brain not technically a lie just admitting the truth my mum led me to believe that she had dated my dad for five years before they got married and used to tell me several times only an idiot would marry a stranger i according to her anyone who you haven't known for at least two years etc i'm with my so six months now and we are very serious about each other my mum knows so asked me a few questions which prompted me to ask her outright how long her and dad had been dating before he popped the question she muttered something non-committal and when i pushed her for an answer the truth finally came out three months he asked her to marry him within three months she said no lol and told him to ask her a few months later he asked her at five months she said yes and they were married before they'd been going out a year i'm 22 and my mum managed to keep it a secret all these years well played mother well played maybe she's was trying to warn you not to make the same mistake she did without having to admit her mistake this is not to say your parents don't have a good marriage but maybe at some point and she realized that in retrospect she wishes she had known some things about her husband gotten to know him better before marrying him our rabbit died he was getting sick my mom told us he died peacefully during ht night turns out my dad snapped his neck yes well at least he died quickly my great grandpa was a soldier in world war ii later i did some family digging and found out that he was in the luftwaffe not all men who fought for germany were evil in the same way not all men who fought for the usa were good not my parents but my grandma denied knowing any details about our national origin when i asked she just said whatever we are we love each other she had a nearly apologetic tone later my dad told me he knew definitively that we had jewish polish and history and he knew this because his grandparents my grandma's parents were first-generation immigrants and had been alive when he was a kid i had a friend who didn't find out he was jewish until he was 20. his grandmother had been old enough during the holocaust to have it completely ingrained in her head to deny denied an eye my mum and dad told me and my brother that we got a hamster because they saved it from a cat trying to eat it then when its eyes change color they said hamsters could do that we later found out that my brother had taken the hamster to bed with him rolled over him in the middle of the night when he got up for school my brother didn't realize so my mum bought a new one before we came home your brother is an idiot my dad a world war ii vet and told us kids that the germans never mistreated him or his buddies when he was a pow it was convincing as he went on to tell us at length the stories of his time in world war ii germany many years later when he was watching schindler's list on tv we could hear him in the other room telling his wife about how they did that to us and that too during certain scenes santa santa is some bulls man my trust was irrevocably shaken the day i found out santa was simply an illusion used to manipulate me with my own greed to make it worse my parents didn't come clean about it they just kept going doing more elaborate things every year to convince me santa was real they still haven't had a talk with me about it and i'm 30. my mom told me when i was 7 so my dad couldn't accuse her of lying to me in court during the divorce when i was 15 years old i had a higher than normal white blood cell count and was suffering from anemia my symptoms pointed to me having either leukemia or sickle cell anemia which my parents never told me turned out i had a one in a million genetic disorder where my bones are slightly denser than a normal person accounting for an elevated white blood cell count when i was little my grandma told me my cousin dana died because someone at school poisoned her milk when i was about 25 i was talking to my mom about it and she gets out all of these newspaper clippings apparently dana's had been put in a camp because she had been caught taking drugs she wanted out so badly that she drank rat poison but when she told the counselors they did not believe her and tied her to a chair until she died needless to say the family had the camp shut down i was pretty upset they had lied to me all of those years but in retrospect it was a really really good thing i didn't know the truth not for my own benefit but my parents told me that milanos were grown up cookies and had something in them that children weren't supposed to eat or it would mess them up like raw egg or alcohol one of those other things i wasn't allowed only stupid irresponsible parents put them in their kids lunches if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Internet Is Fun Studios

Views: 502,736

Keywords: parents, parents stories, parenting, parenting hacks, parenting tips, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, emkay, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, /r, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub, askreddit school, r/askreddit how to

Id: 2fi_3Dl-ip0

Length: 223min 23sec (13403 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 09 2021