(English Translation Julia Moczko)
(The subtitles were created with the help of the Zedomirzak channel) Time for Hell 2.0’s ABC’s. -B, for Basia.- Who is Basia? Basia is an executive manager of Hell 2.0, responsible for its three major foundations. Organisation and disorganization Human & Monsters resources and Public Relations in Hell At first, she was irreplacable in the Centre of Astral Chierarchy, Currently Independent She then went on to become God’s right hand woman. Sławek, the founder of Hell 2.0 believes that: “Basia’s transfer to our organisation is a guarantee of the highest standards moving forward and insurance that this will soon be the best place any human could ever be.” What do her co-workers say about her? "Solid" “Reliable” “Incredibly organised” “An outstanding strategist” “Impecably amiable and hard-working” “Without her this business would fall apart, God, how many times can you repeat that slogan?!” Why Zabrze? Her substantial abilities have saved the world from an inevitible end more than once. Among her greatest achievements are: Ending the Dragon Crisis - a so called Merlin’s case. Organising and managing personal judgment days (four per Earth’s second on average.) Resolving of the Egiptian Crisis - “ case SL4W3K RUL35” Multiple interventions during the atomic crisis of the 20th century. Removal of black hole thieves And finally the development of Hell 2.0 from 2015 You can see for yourselves - Without Basia, there wouldn’t be a business to fall apart. Thank you Basia for being with us! So, what do you think? ...honestly? Jesus Christ, you don’t like it?! No, no, I do like The animation’s pretty and the whole text... I’m just wondering why was this even made? I don’t need that kind of thing. But it’s not just for you, Basia. This is for all of our residents, so they know exactly who you are and how much we really owe you... And that’s exactly what I don’t need, at all. I don’t do all this for people’s admiration. Well, it’s already been made. Dominic from the animation department worked on it for three weeks, I wrote the script and managed everything, so, you know. Besides, we’re launching a new streaming service and we seriously need content right now. Look. We have Hell 2.0’s ABC’s, interviews with some important people, we have our own Talk Show And, most importantly, we’re finally shooting our first Political Drama series. We’re just looking for an actor with a scandalous past that’ll come to light a few seasons in To completely ruin the whole production. I’m sure you can find a few. And I’m still hoping you’ll change that name. Come on, really? "Hell 2.0 flix"? I'm delighted. I know. But since you’ll be closing Hell 2.0 anyway, won’t the name be out of date? Who told you I was closing it?! Rafał. Rafał... We talked a little But nothing's decided yet. The plan's in the making , so fo speak. Besides, we can change the name whenever. What else did he tell you? Nothing. I told him we're taking some time off and going on holidays and he said that that's okay and that he won't interrupt. Yhm, yeah. I'd be willing to bet he'll call you within an hour with some bull. Oh yea? And what would you be willing to bet? (the phone rings) I don't have to anymore. I can't believe Slawek ... Take it easy, take it easy, DO NOT CALL HER, WE'RE NOT HERE! What a guy… so, where were we? So, what do you think? Okay, you were right but we didn't bet on anything so you don't win anything. What…? I'm talking about the video. What video? Holy God, what has just ended ?! Oh, yea… but I already told you that. When? I told you that I liked it but I don't really see a reason to make things like that. Jesus, but why not? People should know who you are and what you’ve been up to all those years. Dominic from the animation department worked on it for three weeks. Besides, we’re launching a new streaming service and we seriously need content right now. Look. We have Hell 2.0’s ABC’s, interviews with some important people, we have our own Talk Show And, most importantly, we’re finally shooting our first Political Drama series. We’re just looking for an actor with a scandalous past that’ll come to light a few seasons in To completely ruin the whole production. There will be a few for sure. Probably so. And… and I'm still hoping you'll change that name… You know what? "Hell 2.0 flix"? I'm delighted. I know, but since you close "Hell 2.0", this name will not be out of date? Who told you I’m closing it?! Rafał… Rafał that… yea Sławek! Something is wrong. With what? We’ve had this conversation before. What are you talking about? All of this has already happened, don’t you get it? This whole conversation. We talked about the video first. Then about Hell 2.0, about how you don’t really want to close it You said that Rafał would probably call soon with some bull and then he actually did call and... (the phone rings) And then what? I don’t know. We didn’t pick up. I think we maybe should. Has Rafał recently changed his phone number? I don’t think so. Well then this isn’t Rafał. (dramatic music) What's going on? SŁAWEK! SŁAWEK! So, what do you think? Jesus Christ, again ?! What the hell is going on?! Jesus, do you hate it this much? We can still change this and that if you don’t like it… Wait a second… what number was it? We can just not talk about it at all if you want. I’ll tell Dominic we’re just dropping the Hell 2.0’s ABCs entirely… Listen to me. I don't know what's going on, but we're talking about the same thing again. Every time my phone rings, everything resets and you forget. Okay… In two minutes someone will call me from this number and before I manage to answer, everything’ll go back again. But wait, why am I the only one forgetting everything? I have a temporal navigator and you don’t. But why don’t I…? Hello? Hello, good morning. Sorry! Can I ask who I’m speaking with? Uhhh I don't know, you called me. Yes, twice already. In two minutes, sir. Maybe this way - who did you want to call? Okay… may I ask where did you get my number from? What do you mean you found it? When? I never gave it to anyone… Cornelius…! Yes, that’s me. A pleasure. I’m sorry to bother but it said on the business card to call if things would get out of hand And sadly, I’m reporting that they indeed have. I noticed. It’s good you’re calling. We’ll be right there. But how…? Okay, I know you probably have a million questions but the most important thing you need to know is that time can split, duplicate and bend I didn’t have time to take care of it all so I found a human and gave him the formula for time travel. Human? Yes, a human. He of course thinks he came up with it all, but that’s good. At first he time travelled out of curiosity Then he accidentally changed the timeline a few times until he understood he needed to become some sort of a guardian And opened the Time Defence Agency. Everything, of course, according to my plan. You gave a human control over time?! Oh, I obviously ran a thorough background check on him first, Cornelius is the best human for the job. Yeah, but he’s still human. Sławek, do you really want to argue right now? Well, no But… can I at least know how he got your number? From here. “Cornelius. I come from the future. In case of an emergency, call this number. I’ll help. Mrs. B.” And he only called just now? Because he’s the best human for the job. Are you coming with me, or not? Yea, I’m coming. ‘Course I’m coming. (Transdimensional teleporting sound) (Transdimensional teleporting sound) Haa! haa ha Jesus Maria! Good morning, Cornelius. I'm sorry, usually I showed up unexpectedly, and now ... Yes, yes, good morning. I'm Mrs. B. And this is ... Mr. S. Mr. S. Cornelius Vanderbilt, nice to meet you. I'm sorry because I didn't know who to expect. I thought you were gonna be more of a robot ... Okay, cool, what’s this about? What’s going on? Well… I’m not sure how to describe it but time has stopped behaving normally, it splits and you can’t travel in it anymore. Of course we’re now in a between-realities zone, so we’re safe. But what is happening, exactly, why can’t you time travel? That’s exactly what I would like to find out. For a while now we’ve been observing an increase in strange events. We of course intervene every time but in the space of one anomaly, we get three new ones. And despite my people going above and beyond to fight it, we can’t bring these events to one timeline. So what? We have more than one reality now? So what? Do we have more than one reality now? One catastrophic, the other full of good, happy events. Problem is, we can’t predict which one we’ll find ourselves in. And one of them… it’s a total apocalypse. Peachy. And when’s this going to happen? When are we going to cross over into one? We don't know that either. Okay. We have to figure out who’s responsible for this. Cornelius, I’m going to need a list of the most dangerous people who have so far tried to influence the time continuum. The source of these anomalies must be located and removed immediately. Basia, wait ... I'm sorry. Basia ...? Wait, where are you going? I wanted it to be dramatic. Okay, but listen, why can't we do it our way? You know so quietly. Time and space can’t be separated, remember? It is in space-time that you and Rafał have set the universe. If one is disturbed, exactly the same will happen with the other. It was a roll of paper, I remind you. Excuse me, did I hear correctly that you created the universe? No. Cornelius, the list. Yes of course. I just don’t understand this split. It’s as if someone was accumulating everything bad on one side and trying to destroy everything good. Sounds like every super-villain’s evil plan. I have the list. 150 of the most notable interventions in the existence of the Agency. What exactly are you planning to do? We’re going to have a chat with them, the first on the list Vulnero, a dreadful type, always in a black rag, you can only see his lips. A few years ago he almost crashed the Moon into the Earth. If I’m being honest, I have no idea where he is. Sławek, bring him over, we’ll ask him a few questions. (sound of trans dimensional teleportation) Slawek? Uhmm (trance-dimensional teleportation sound) Aaaa AAAA AAAA ... AAAA ... AAAA ... AAAAA ... What's going on here ?! Good morning. Help! Help! Kidnapping! You have no idea who you messed with! I am Vulnero Where did you get the time travel technology and why did you want to destroy the world? Umm Umm Uhmm Slawek. Oh, sorry. What idiotic idea is this?! I didn’t want to destroy the world, I just wanted to have a tool that would allow me to destroy the world to hold people by the gonads. Why destroy the world? Where would I live, then, where would I make money and, most importantly, where would I spend money?! On different planets? So why are you splitting time into two starkly different timelines? What? Is this another way of holding humanity “by the gonads”? Honestly, I’ve never thought about that, but that’s actually not a dumb idea. People would pay a hefty amount to be in the good timeline… And the bad one could be used to threaten the others. Do you have that kind of tech? Okay look, this is pointless, can we just read his mind? What do you think I’ve been doing? It wasn’t him. Send it back and make sure he forgets everything. I don’t consent to such manipulations!
Aaaaa Do you remember when it all started? When all of these anomalies grew stronger? It's hard to say ... The first started some ... 80 years ago You lose track of time in this line of work. But Mrs. B, I really did all that I could… I know, Cornelius, don't worry. I knew that things would have to get complicated eventually. Ahhh Let’s just keep going. Yes ... There you go. Not this. Not this. This one’s a small fish. Not this. And who is this? Ah, one of my most complicated cases, my nemesis dare I say. I have no idea who gave him the time travel formula, I only know he tried to kill Lincoln, Martin Luther King and Jesus. We fought him over the span of 50 years. I dubbed him Doctor Altertime. He’s currently in jail out in the Arctic. Did you catch that, Sławek? Bring him, please. (Transdimensional teleportation sound) He wasn’t in jail. Cornelius Vanderbilt! Ahhh Doctor Altertime! Who? I could have expected this. Only cowards take advantage of such cheap tricks. What do you know about distortions in space-time? I see you asking uninvited, woman, but this time I forgive you. Well, I know everything about them. I assure you that the world you know will soon cease to exist. You led him to the brink of extinction. And know that soon everything will fall into a black abyss of pain and despair. Hahahaha (sinister laughter) And you, Cornelius Vanderbilt, will be the first to be lost! And you, you ... And who you actually are It’s not him. He did mess with the continuum but he has no idea about the split. He mixes to mix. He had a difficult childhood and he's a little crazy, but nothing else. Can someone shut that impudent woman up? What is this? This is bullshit! I have devoted my whole life to science, many people suffered because of my insane insane plans, I’ve hurt many people. I think I deserve some elementary respect, some elementary recognition! Yeah. You are absolutely right. The world will burn! And all people will burn with him! Exactly. (Transdimensional teleportation sound) So what now? Well, Cornelius. We have a long day ahead of us. (atmospheric music for auditions) (atmospheric music for auditions is still going on) That’s everyone. Okay, I have this question, purely theoretical. For all of these anomalies to take place, does someone need to mess with the continuum on purpose? Well… no, theoretically. Anomalies can be a result of different influence but I honestly can’t imagine a being that powerful… But if from a 150 time criminals not one was guilty…? God… but who could be both irresponsible and so insanely powerful to accidentally split spacetime? Jesus Christ. (Phone ringing) Hello? Rafał, is it possible that by some strange accident you’re doing something that, by an even stranger accident, messed with time and split it in two? I mean ... But what exactly do you mean Basia? Did you do something to spacetime? I made the universe in it, what stupid question is that? You know very well I’m not into having fun with time, I’m a fan of consequences. But what do you mean anyway? Aren't you supposed to be on vacation? Vacation is vacation Is… is that God? Yes! Rafał, We have a problem. Time has split in two and we don’t know which timeline will be the real one. Is that one of your experiments? Of course not. But you know that it must have been either one of you two, right? Only the three of us have that kind of power, to do something like this. Unless you gifted someone with it and forgot to tell me. No, I don’t think so. Well… we didn’t. I’m sensing a little suggestion there, Sławek. Can you tell me what’s going on? About Adolfa, Rafał. About Adolf. What about Adolf? Haaa Oh, crap. Adolf? Adolf Hitler ?! You think it's him? Who else? Rafał made him satan. If I could do it, that means Adolf can as well. We should have closed Hell for good. You are absolutely right, Sławek. Let's meet there in a moment, okay? Yes. Okay, see you then. Goodbye! (Divine teleportation) Okay, here I go. It was nice to meet you. Good job. Thank you. Well,this wasn’t what I planned but… “But” go and clean up that mess. Yeah Okay. Cya. (Transdimensional teleportation sound) Cornelius You’re really doing good work here. It would have been a lot worse without you. Rafał and Sławek will fix everything soon and you’ll finally have a little peace and quiet. Sure. I understand you’ll wipe my memory now and I’ll forget about everything that happened here? No no no. You deserve to know and remember everything. You’re one of the team after all. What team? But where are you going now? I'm going back to Heaven. I mean to ... Whatever. Let's stay in touch while you watch the monitors and let me know immediately if anything goes wrong. Ok? Of course. See you at the right time. ( Transdimensional teleportation sound) (English Translation Julia Moczko)
(The subtitles were created with the help of the Zedomirzak channel) We'll have guests Malfasie (Adolf Hitler's voice) Prepare the Chamber Touch of the butterf ... Eee they suck
