And that's exactly when my ass fell off Thank you so much! You're amazing! And now please give it up for my friend who doesn't want to reveal his real name because he is a little ashamed of it in our day and age. But like he says everybody tells him that his face is somehow... familiar Give it up for Andrew! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thanks Before I begin I'd like to just say that I didn't have to come back here The last time I visited it ended rather... poorly I was surprised, I gotta say Same with my friends But I got an important lesson out of that Take the money upfront and never trust the managers Thank you!
*applause* Joking, joking, joking Joking, joking... What date is it today? (Nineteenth!) I mean, the year Twenty nineteen? Holy balls Damn What a century, eh? We have cars The internet Water in sinks And in plastic bottles We have loads of food Some of it gets wasted I recently saw some videos that there are some hungry people out there? But it's gotta be a sham I mean How would they afford a camera?
*audience laughter* No, good times The chances you'll get killed in the middle of the day are almost non-existent Unless you're a bad driver or live in America *displeased sounds from the audience*
Nah, America is okay, seriously But you know what You can't spell dangeroUS without the US... Too far, too far! I agree! I went too far Good times You know, the time when we stopped killing each other We used it for the development of science And wrecking our planet
*audience laughter* Seven years ago there was supposed to have been the end of the world, remember? 2012, eh? Everyone was ready, everyone Some of them packed Those who had 30 years of mortgage ahead of them were probably rooting for it, to be honest And here we are Surprise The caravan just keeps on going By the way, the end of the world Such a terrifying prospect but somehow there is something in it that everyone would probably want to experience it, no? I'm not even talking about, like, the zombie apocalypse or something where you have to continue living No, no, just like The heavens part, the angels are crying The priests are yelling "WE WERE RIGHT!" A wave of fire... and go home There is something something... calming in it My God My God I can finally... stop... caring. No fear No worries No child support *laud laughter from the audience*
Oh I see we have a couple of baby daddies, eh? Your kids are probably laughing too right now There's that strange idea that life will only start after death Have you noticed? That right now it's like... It is what it is, but like... If I go to heaven... It's gonna be downhill from there I've always been fascinated by that That assumption that that then, it's all gonna gonna start But what is supposed to start when it's actually ending? Because you know, we don't have all that much proof that anything starts there Eh? Body decay, that's what starts for sure Of course, we can assume that since Uh Wifi Is invisible But it exists Well then maybe it works kinda like that But who knows? Who knows? Nobody knows Because you know Faith and knowlege Are two completely different things When you know something You don't believe in it anymore Because you know it At least that's what I think happens By the way, it's one of the greatest marketing campaigns To say that you have to suffer here But if you'll behave and you'll listen to us It's gonna be great afterwards Maybe we should start by thinking whether there is life BEFORE death Because think about it So far, we haven't had much success with communicating with anyone from the past eh? At least not officially That's kinda my dream, that churches would work like this Seriously You go to church, walk up to the phone booth Plop in a quarter Because Heaven doesn't fund itself And suddenly you hear "Hello?" "Hello?!" And you have no idea what to say, you have no idea how to start a conversation like this You're standing there like an idiot "HELLO!" "What is this?" "A stupid joke?" "Andrew?" So he IS all-knowing. Yes, yes, this is Andrew I wanted to, just, you know, have a chat "Aaah, that's fantastic then, Andy" "So" "Tell me, how is it going for you?" "What good things are happening?" Uuum... Well... Well, actually... I've been... Feeling a bit heavy, spiritually "Awwwww, that's too bad, that's very unfortunate, Andy" "Because we're doing great" And that's it
*audience laughter* If you want more, you gotta pay another quarter and you kinda don't have any on you, so you go back home none the wiser Actually I've been thinking lately that along with the end of the world Jesus was supposed to have come back Right? There was something like that The dude had a neat idea, actually A fun agenda And not very complicated even Just "Love thy neighbour" Such a harmless idea Ideology Coming from a simple assumption that if I don't hurt you And you don't hurt me Then nobody hurts each other And the world can be a peaceful place Maybe even a prospering one Because people will actually help each other It had to have been such a genius idea back then, eh? A revolutionary one Like Like inventing the wheel Because back then every human would get up in the morning, eat breakfast, drink water and say: "Honey! I'm going to work! And then maybe I'll kill Mathew." "Aww, that's great. Say hi from me to him. I think I'll kill Hannah." "Great idea. Did you hear Chriss is dead?" "Really?" "Yea, he got crucified Should I get potatoes?" Nah, I'm joking It wasn't like that They didn't have potatoes back then By the way, crucifixion? Sheesh Terrible Really, I mean It is... A position that leaves you most vulnerable to getting tickled Back in the day, there was this very popular lifestyle The um Fascism Fascism was popular Lately, it's this whole... LGBT Don't you get the feeling it's really one and the same? No? It got so popular lately This whole LGBT Plus Are you not annoyed? As if we had no bigger issues And just to be clear I've got nothing against those... people It's just that Why are they so loud about it? They're out in the streets Holding hands Organise parades Jesus Christ And they could just Not show this whole "love" of theirs Publically To not poison the minds of the kids Our kids They could do it in their homes if they have to It'd be best if they just sat in their homes and wouldn't come out of them They could sit at homes, not eat, not drink so they would all finally die They want peace and quiet? If they die, they will have it Let them die and not bother anyone else ever again They could slice their wrists cut off their genitals flush them down the toilet cut off one leg each eat that leg pour acid on their stupid mugs stab a fork through their kidney and take a bullet through their brain at the end just to be absolutely sure that nobody will spread that fag seed ever again because God doesn't want that!
*cheering and laughter from the audience* Do you think Jesus could say something like that? Not really, no? That'd be weird if Jesus said things like that We agree on that, no? That is Jesus said things like that it would be hard to call him Jesus Then tell me what right do we have saying that you're doing Jesus's work practically speaking in his name to say things like this? Where was the miscommunication? "Love thy neighbour" In Jesus's name, we yell punch destroy and wish death upon others You think Jesus will appreciate that? That he'll kiss your forehead during the final judgement and say: "thank you, Sebastian, for your service Thanks to you those fags know that they're disgusting and that they can't feel safe in their homes That my Father created them just so he could hate them." You think he'll say that? "But it's all for our children!" "We have to protect them! They want to sodomize them!" "Kidnap and rape them!" "Gender, adoptions and marriage!" Of course, we have to protect the children Of course But like, in general, no? We have to protect them in general From evil, from violence From harm From all sides, not just one Do you really think that by yelling in the streets "Death to all fags!" And then never talking to your kid about life About love, the world Do you really think you're protecting them? Sure, the kid now knows fags need to be killed But apart from that The kid doesn't know much Just like the parents We keep making the same mistake We let others manipulate us, we kill each other But then we say "sorry" and it's all good We went through the same shit with racial segregation with women's rights with faith in so many different things And what? Fear and hate is the literal opposite of love and acceptance Why, after so many years do we keep responding to one extreme with another? I mean, deep inside, we all know what's good and what isn't Where does harm start, where is that line? But instead of looking in and solving our problems we choose to only point out the flaws of the other side, pretending we're doing fine And every single time, any side is going to have a dumb member Who doesn't represent the values of the whole group They just make the most noise I myself am not the biggest fan of some Messages or banners What if Jesus was gay? What then? He apparently loved everyone, no? We don't know that We don't Everything is just a guess I'm just asking a question, I've got no answers We know he spoke of love for all people and had no wife Can you imagine? What would happen if Jesus came back and came out as gay? Or came back as a woman? The world would explode Or Or something that he always dreamt of would happen We would accept him And maybe finally Everyone would love everyone And we'd have a happy ever after. That'd be something I don't know who you took me for but my name is Andrew You can get a wig like that online for five bucks And if anything I just said sounds different to you now, well... Then think about why Thank you! Stay safe out there! Global warming can still be stopped We will all die eventually, but our kids could at least live until old age Bye! This video was created from the emotional need of the creators and isn't meant to offend anyone's religion. It is an expression of worry with violence, blind judgement and lack of tolerance.
