[HELL 2.0, PRIVATE SECTOR
YEAR 2017] [EARTH. 3 DAYS AFTER THE CLOSING OF EDEN] - Get the f... y-you ...AAH! - Don't you have enough, Sławku?
- What are you doing here? - Do you really have to make things worse?
- What are you talking about? - What am I talking about?
- Are we playing "Questions only" now? What's going on? I presume you're the one who took all my limbs away, right? - What's that? - Your stuff. - Really? - Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but I totally don't feel like it right now, so... ... just conjure up a mosquito net and leave. - Sławku... A while ago, you asked me how long everything would stay in this perfect form. - In fact...
- Stop talking to me. - Why are you making a monologue
like nothing ever happened? - I have no idea what's in your head mate, but I'm begging you, get out of here or else...
- Or else what? - You're in no position to make demands, right? - You have to listen to what I have to say, whether you like it or not. - Let's try again. - A while ago, you asked me how long everything would stay in this perfect form. I knew it wouldn't last long, but I didn't expect YOU to blow everything up! I understand you might hate ME, but what have they done to you? - Who?
- Adam and Eve!
- I don't know who you're talking about! - Do you think I'm stupid? I put cameras everywhere. You think I didn't see you were hitting on Eve so she would bite an apple and give it to Adam? - It's not my fault that you created complete idiots. - Sławku!
- Alright! - You really want to know why I did that? - If obeying rules and regulations is so extremely important to you... ... what are you going to do now, huh? Your humans ate the forbidden fruit. They broke the only rule you gave to them. What are you going to do?
Will you forgive them? - You have no idea what it means. I have to start all over again. - That's terrible. - I wrote millions of possibilities,
stories, civilizations, doomsdays... ... but I didn't predict one thing. I didn't plan it. - Yeah? What is it?
- Evil. I'd never have guessed. How can you consciously harm another person? - Can you remind me how Odin lost his eye and who had a blast while doing it?
- It was an accident! - So is this. Besides... Rafał. How much is good worth, if it's not put to the test? - It was a question, Rafał. - It's shit, the answer is shit. - You're right!
- I know. - Sam, you won't be the Snake anymore. I'll give you your limbs back. - I'm guessing there's a brilliant catch here. - We can hate each other, but we have to learn to work together.
- Get to the point, Rafał. - Let's say I might have an interesting job offer for you. - What are you doing? - Sitting. - What's going on? - Nothing. - Hey. - Are you in touch with him? Do you know what's going on up there?
- No. - But I was the last one to quit, so he's probably on his own. - What about the rest? - Same you. They found new jobs. Svetovid, for example, runs a VHS rental shop. - So he... He probably doesn't have many clients. - Not really. - You can always call him. - No. - No.
- What about... - Is there another meeting?
- No, I cancelled everything. - You have to help me. - No. I don't have time.
- Father just disappeared. - What do you mean? - He's gone. - I can't find him anywhere.
I haven't reached him for half of a year. - Half year? - A year, actually. - And only now you realized he's gone?
Don't you talk to each other? - I thought he's working again or he's left for a while... Basia? - Fucking hell, I knew this would happen. Rafał's gone. - Have you checked at home?
- No, I ran straight to you. - Don't be a smartass, you little shit, alright?
- Do you know who's contacted him recently? - Nobody. I found his phone in the office.
There's nothing in it. - Maybe someone from H.E.A.V.E.N. will know. - You said everybody left. - Yes, but who do you think has been stalking them through all these years, checking their adresses, relationship statuses, career paths, and then has been registering it all in a special top secret notebook? - You, Basiu? - Do you want me to call them? - No... make a list. I'll ask them myself. - I'll go with you. - You better go home and wait for your father. I have to handle this alone. [EARTH] [CARIBBEAN ISLES] [POZNAŃ] [Eternal Stride Pit] [SŁAWEK] [APHRODITE
PLEASE REPLY
(or I'll hang myself)] [BASIA]
*"Orcas of Mallorca" ringtone playing* *"Orcas of Mallorca" ringtone playing* [Sławek] [HELL
80 YEARS AFTER THE CLOSING OF EDEN] -Could you warn me next time? - Why? Were you busy? - No.
- Then what's the problem? - Listen, yesterday in H.E.A.V.E.N. we elaborated a new system of judging the deceased. It should speed up the entire process and things will finally be juster. -Mate, I know that H.E.A.V.E.N. is a proper noun, but you really should conjugate it. [PERSONAL
LAST
JUDGEMENT REGULATIOS]
REGULATIONS] - Do I have to read it all?
- Of course! - Our first Personal Last Judgement will begin in 28 earthly seconds. And you're invited, too! - Excuse me?
- I want you to become one of the judges. The whole thing's very simple.
You'll learn quickly. - But get yourself together, I'm begging you. just like the Devil you are.
- Don't call me that. - Speaking of. There you go! - Is it from you? - From Basia. Put it on. She'd be glad. And redecorate this place a little.
Why is it so empty and grim? You can do everything you want with it. You're aware of that, right? Come. Everybody's waiting. - Is it that guy? - Yup. - Do they all look like you? - Mostly.
Some of them look like you. Hello? Where are you? What do you mean you won't be here? I sent you a scripture. The meeting hour was set. But I was on your birthday party! What are you even doing? Aah, I get it, I get it.
You're taking a bath now? Brilliant. Alright, alright. Thank you so much for your help. Bye. - Listen guys, Svetovid won't come. ["What?" "Really?" "Why won't he come?"] - I called him.
He told me he won't be here. [general comments of displeasement] - But I sent him a scripture! ["I could ignore it too!" "That's not fair!"]
- If some of us don't even show up, I wonder how long it's going to last! ["Are we waiting for him or not?"] [more arguing in the background] - Attention, my dears! - My dears, I'd like to welcome everyone to our first Personal Last Judgement! - Thank you for participating in this new, very promising project. I'm looking forward to equally high attendance in subsequent years. My name is GOD. On my left is... Basia. Then we've got... Odin, Hades, Aphrodite... - Alright! Stop it, really... - And... Sławek. Okay. Basiu, what's the sin percentage of... - ...Eustachycha. - Eustachycha! That's right! - Christ, I don't know! - Excuse me? - You didn't tell me to prepare something! - I didn't? - At least tell me how much he sinned. - A lot. - Of course. - Eustachychu! - Why did you sin in life? - Why not? - Because now you're going to hell for that. - So what? - What do you mean "so what"? - Jesus Christ, I told you in revelations what's waiting for you in hell. And I sent you engravings of Satan. - Yeah, exactly. We got some drawings of a bald guy. Was it supposed to scare us? He looks just like you.
So this hell can't be that bad, right? - Well, not really.
I'm afraid it's the worst thing that can happen to you after death. You'll burn in an eternal flame till the end of the world. - Oh. Really? - What did you just do? I haven't given a judgement yet! - What? You said he'll burn for eternity. - To scare him!
- How was I supposed to know?! - I don't know, maybe ask?
- Do I have to ask you about everything? Just to be sure? - It would be wonderful! - Listen Rafał, the problem is that those idiots do not understand the gravity of this situation. They do what they want, thinking that they won't face any punishment. - Do you know how to sort this out?
- You have to work on your face. - And you have to shut your face. - Sławku!
I think that Hades might be right. Maybe if you looked a bit more frightening than us, people would be scared of you. - I think that, above all, they should want to do good on their own, without being subjected to fear. - Oh, I agree! - Sławku, no one's forcing you. - I'll think about it. - Great! - Thank you very much for your presence.
The next trial will begin in 15 earthly seconds. Would anybody like to go with me to Mallorca, in the meantime? *"Orcas of Mallorca" ringtone playing* - I know where he is.
- Where? - I can't tell you. - I mean, I can, but then I'd have to say a certain song title out loud and I really don't want to do that. - Okay, I see. - Alright. I have to go. - Go. [MALLORCA, 12:29] - Rafał? - Why aren't you answering your phone? - You want to know how I found you? - You probably know already. - Everybody's worried about you. - I just don't understand! Why would you start something like that? - Are you finished? - You left! You left me with everything because you didn't want to run Hell anymore! What's changed, huh?
What made you change your mind!? - You said yourself that Hitler's unpredictable. You wanted me back. - Yes! I wanted you to COME BACK to Hell, not create another one! What kind of a sick idea is that?! - You don't like it? - Of course I don't like it! - Besides, you created it not to save the condemned from Adolf, but to make competition for H.E.A.V.E.N.! Now everybody can steal, kill, and in the end they still get the prize of living in a five star hotel. Do you understand that?!
It undermines everything I've created. All your life, you're taking revenge for something you did yourself! - Get out. - Sławku. For the last time I'm asking you to come to your senses. I'm begging you, I can't handle this anymore. It's not only about you and me... - GET OUT! - Who's worried? - What? - Who's worried about me? - Your kid. - I'm alright. - I can see you're not. - Do you even care? - I don't. - What? Should I be ashamed of it? - Of course not. - Why are you pretending?
Stop playing the victim. - It's your role. - Why do you look like that? You knew I'd come here. Was I supposed to feel guilty at the sight of you?
Was that your plan? - You see... Once again it turns out we don't know each other at all. - Is that news for you? - I haven't had a plan for a long time. I'm not playing any games. I'm just tired. What do I need it all for?
Tell me. - What do I look like?
Ask your grandpa. - He's gone. Everybody's gone. My grandpa, uncle, grandma, wife... I created them all after your exile
and they proved to be useless. - There's still the kid. - Yeah. But it's still like I'm talking to myself. - Okay, okay. I wanted to know if you're alive. You're alive. Bye. - You stopped. - Because I don't want to go. - Can you stop behaving like a child? - Excuse me?
- How long are you going to be like that? - Till I fucking die!
- Why can't we just make up? - I can't fucking believe it. - Dude, what are you talking about? You got all sad because you have no one to talk to, and now you want to be friends again? You didn't give a fuck about me for so many years. You didn't say a word for 70 years! Not even once! One day, Basia calls and arranges a stupid meeting under a carpet rack that you're 10 minutes late for. Let me remind you that every time I was a few minutes late for your another unnecessary gathering, you were whining about it and it went on forever. Then another silent months came, and you waltz into my office shitting at me for starting Hell 2.0. That I had the audacity
to create something better than you! Anyway, everything that came
before was also utter bullshit. Personal judgements, meetings, trainings... I was invited, but I never felt welcomed. You didn't even speak to me. Unless you had to. Or you had a deal to make. - Because we had nothing to talk about anymore! Because I had to deal with everything again! Because I couldn't look at you doing all these horrible things and taking pleasure in them! - But that's what you told me to do! - To preserve balance in the universe! - So what's your problem?
You got exactly what you wanted! - NO! I wanted you to punish bad people!
- That's what I was doing! - No, you were punishing me!
- You think I didn't have a reason? - Jesus, are you still harping on that?
It's been ages, goddamnit! - Why does it matter?
- I told you I'm sorry under that carpet rack and
I asked you to come home! - What did you mean by saying "home"?
- Your Hell! - Exactly! - What's happening? - Is it the time? - The time? - Rafałk? - What's going on? - No activity for a year. According to the regulations, after that everything should regress back to its last official system. - What do you mean?
C.H.A.O.S.? - C.H.A.O.S. wasn't an official establishment.
We were self-reliant. Unregistered. - The T.O.P.? - Rafał, do something! - I can't. - Rafał, it's not just about you and me.
It hasn't been about us for a long time. - You can't leave everything like that!
- But it always ends up this way. - Whatever we do, in the end
the Top always emerges and we're back at square one. - That's not true.
They always destroy everything, I know, but
that's why we split from them, remember? That's why we created C.H.A.O.S. To change something. Of course, we weren't able to do anything for all eternity. But then you came up with this idea. On your own. And look at what you've created. Nobody has ever done something like that before. We can't waste it. I'm begging you. I know I left you all alone. I know. - I really don't have the strength anymore.
- But you have me, Rafał. I'm always there. - I don't even remember
why we created this whole thing. - So we can have something to live for. - We have it. - Yes, we do. - Did it work? - Yep. It's safe and sound. But it was a close call. - What about The T.O.P? - Nobody knows. - Where are we? - At my workshop. - What do we do now? - I don't know. - You know what? - So many things...
- Listen, honestly... I see only one solution for this problem. We'll never explain these things to each other. So many years.... Everything piled up so much... But... ... we can just.... ... start over. What do you think? - Okay. - So, how did you find me? - Well, at first I asked everyone about you. But literally... ... almost everyone. Nobody knew anything, of course. Then I recalled this stupid song of yours. - Which song?
- Which one can it be? - I've had it set as a ringtone for 20 years. It's enough. - OoOoOh! Right! :D - I hate it with passion. - Betty's at my place. - I know! - What do we do now?
- We're going home. - What about Hell? From what I've heard... ... Adolf desperately wants to get out of there. - I think he got sick of it.
- If you still want to run it, great! - You won't live there for sure, though.
- But where... Ah. - Nah, you know what? You're right... I don't want to come back there. Bad memories. - Thanks for the offer, though.
- We can always open something new. - Going somewhere? - It's about time I do something. - Fuc- - Okay.... [SCREENPLAY] [DIRECTING] [MONTAGE] [STARRING] [RAFAŁ, SŁAWEK I BASIA WILL COME BACK...] [THE EPISODE WAS CREATED THANKS TO PATRONS' SUPPORT] [GUEST STARRING] - Sławku... By the way... Where's Judas?
