Our Miracle Baby: Becoming Transgender Parents (Uplifting Documentary) | Real Stories

foreign [Music] [Music] you at a very early age that I was different probably around 13 or 14 when I I really accepted myself that I was you know inside of myself I was a woman I knew I was a boy it was all I have known since I was able to speak and since I was able to know things when everyone else was saying to me no you're not you're a girl [Applause] Jake and Hannah Graff are Britain's most prominent transgender couple [Applause] Jake is a writer director and actor and has appeared in Hollywood films Hannah was a high-ranking officer in the British army they've been married for two years and now they're looking for a surrogate to have their child it's a service in and understanding you know they know what you teach them and if you teach them that this is a normal loving way to have a child then why would they know anything different but what does it take to become a mom or dad if you're transgender so she's not the mom I'm sitting with the mother here in the car well if they cannot breed normally they should not be allowed to be anywhere near children and how do you cope when a global pandemic stands between you and your baby oh this is really really worrying no joke they're taking on a little bit we've got to go we've got to get out we don't even know where our baby is we're both nearly in tears I'm Jake Graf and I'm Hannah Groff and this is the story of us trying to become parents [Music] all right wifey you ready my love yeah good [Music] Jake and Tanner have been looking for a surrogate for six months they're part of a growing number of prospective parents choosing surrogacy as a way to have a baby why does everyone want these little weird blue-eyed children what racist isn't it really to not have any like brown eyed children more blue-eyed children [Music] I've always felt like quite a traditional person I grew up wanting to have a wife wanted to be a dad there is a real human desire to see little versions of you out there and to nurture and to you know grow old watching your children your grandchildren living their lives [Music] well it's all right big fans right I need to the West is going to be really pissed off Jake and I can't have biological children together people see motherhood as a very biological thing but we're learning very quickly that there are lots of different ways to have children I remember there was a time when I wasn't bothered about having kids and I know that there's a time now where I'm desperately wanting a child look at this you can choose to make your baby at the cryobank look like someone famous designer babies quite literally you should have tissues in your bag so my wife and I are a heterosexual couple but we're both transgender so how would that work in Georgia and Ukraine is that something that would not work for us unfortunately we're not able to and transgender a parent there was a point in my life when just being seen as a man was like the Ultimate Prize and you know the ultimate dream and so you know to think beyond that in steps of what would it mean to me to be a father it just seems like that's what happens to other people it seems that's not what happens to people like me put on a freshly pressed shirt because I think it's nice to wear a shirt when one's meeting important people shortly after appearing on breakfast TV to talk about their search for a surrogate Hannah and Jake were contacted by a woman called Laura oh my God baby why don't you tell me about this about what this spot in my eyebrow baby I can't go out with that what will Nora think I'm feeling uh nervous um obviously this is quite a big deal we're meeting a lady who may well cook our baby for us is this the first surrogate you've met no we've so we've met um we met a surrogate twice but there wasn't a real kind of click and then we spoken to another couple who were also very nice but I think you know the the furthest we've got so far has been Laura it's all been very nice by Skyping by phone but you know you turn it on for 20 minutes by Skype or by phone I don't know it just feels a bit weird it feels like almost like going on a first date are you ready I am ready once we get to the restaurant hopefully we can relax and we can chill and if you want to have a drink she can have a drink and I don't think we should drink I think we need to agree not to drink I'm okay it's not a drink but why do we need to agree because I think it looks like serious parents do not drink I mean how many parents do you know how many parents yeah and lots of parents how many of them drink all I'm saying to is I think it would be nice if we routined our sobriety this evening I didn't even say that's good unless of course she wants to to have one in which case have one with her but I won't okay all right [Music] Jake and Tanner have paid for Laura to fly over from Belfast to meet for the first time Laura is 32 and has two children of her own with her ex-husband but you know just the thought of holding a little baby just as it seems like it seems like a million lifetimes where it seems like a a I mean it is it would be a dream you know under UK law Hannah and Jake can cover Laura's expenses but they can't offer her a fee to carry their baby without any Financial incentive the decision to go ahead with the surrogacy depends on them forming a bond with each other so that would be the Chateau yeah yeah but you know it's I think it might be a little bit uh yeah decadent what do you like today do you like chickens you like I like steak or chicken yeah she's so easy going honestly it's so great you're gonna have like like properly do you do you yeah you love Papa but you know that's my favorite pudding have I told you that my God we're just meant to be presumably when you went on to the surrogacy the Facebook page you must have been kind of bombarded by people and you know I'm happy to chat to a lot of people but some people aren't on the same way of length but it's kind of want to roll with it and see how you go must be quite daunting you know stepping into that world and not I mean do you worry about being like taken advantage of a few that had approached me had wanted me to do it basically for nothing yeah has been asked us a question before there's nothing men can do really that that sort of similar I guess you know guys obviously can donate sperm but I don't it's not the same having a you know to give me a wank into a cop as opposed to carrying someone's baby for nine months you know there's nothing unsavory about that it's one of the most human you know anyway but you know what I mean Savory but maybe not dinner well listen thanks so much any problems give us a call okay she seemed lovely she seemed like she had a nice time she was laughing did the half the questions what is she thinking about in her hotel room yeah is she is she thinking wow that's a lovely couple I can really see them being a mum and dad and I love to have them on the journey or is she thinking wow that was a bit intense I wasn't expecting that what I wanted to know was if we move forward on this and things are successful then this is the person that we're going to be chatting to regularly for nine months and for the rest of our lives it's hard to really put that to the test you know over a you know dinner a nice French restaurant I saw this young military woman on Lorraine one morning and I thought you know what a what a beautiful girl and she was you know Plucky and she was sweet and she was shy and she was modest and she was you know all the humility which kind of emanates from Hannah and so I added her on Facebook I think I sent him quite flirty and quite embarrassing message back I thought you know bloody hell she's Keen this was you know out of nowhere um Jake will tell you that I was very eager that I did it in the first few seconds but it was definitely not good than that we started messaging and it became this most mortifying awkward rubbish flirtation over Facebook I mean we spoke about having babies before we even met you know after about five minutes of chat I said possibly inappropriately I was like you know I want marriage and kids is that something you'd be open to after five minutes I haven't dated before Jake at all I was texting a lot of my friends about silly things like what to wear and how to make a good impression this this date that started at three went on for 11 hours and at about nine in the evening we had our first kiss I mean I told him I I told him I loved him um at the end of that first night maybe maybe slightly drunkenly and yeah so I told him I loved him very early on but I think you know I think we felt enough quite quickly everything from the mainstream media to you know Film Society literally everything tells you as a young trans person that you're ugly and you're Unworthy of love and so I really resigned myself at a very young age to being single for the rest of my life [Music] thank you [Music] I think that's an interesting thing this one piece will make 52 layers watch on mobile devices or the big screen all for free no subscription or fire foreign [Music] two weeks after meeting Laura agreed to carry Jake and Hannah's baby today they've flown her over from Belfast to have the embryo implanted well I've got my own two kids and they're growing up now you know they're eating 10 so giving somebody that gift I'm excited and I'm ready for it I love being pregnant just the feeling of having the baby growing inside me and so I keep saying to Jake and Hannah it's just all for me to have a bump I'd already been on testosterone for six years when I decided to have eggs frozen I knew that even if I hadn't met someone I needed to be a father and so you know I'd stop testosterone for six months as a single man and just to let it clear out of my system before the harvesting could could begin it wasn't great muscle drops um you you sort of feel a bit more emotional the processor for the Harvest means is very invasive and very intimate and not very pleasant at all for a man to be going into that environment and by the end of it I had five fertilized embryos on ice but I do sometimes fill it out but not because of Laura or because of Jake or anything but just because the only woman who can't give birth baby cakes come here no I know where he rocks that hurts I think honestly it's just the way they obviously do things because you know I'm their sort of ground ground zero patient and then Laura's the surrogate and I yes they should obviously be much more attentive to you much more you know registering and acknowledging with you of course I'm you know I'm sorry I don't know what else to do it's our baby I know as part of my transition um I went through a medical transition and as part of that process um I want the changes that meant that I wouldn't be able to have my own kids I can't believe we're at this point it's quite crazy isn't it I was asked the question do I want to kind of make Provisions for that by you know storing gametes what do you mean please my decision to not store damage was almost entirely based on the fact that I just never thought I'd use them I never could see myself in a committed relationship I could never see myself in a position to get married I can never see myself in the position to have kids so why bother [Music] doing very well very well done it will not be long okay just waited now for them to come where's it coming from the lab because we waited the very last moment so I stay in the optimal condition [Music] the very best guys positive thoughts thank you fantastic inside we are in the uterus okay so injecting lovely thank you for sure it went on yes I can see it um thank you very much I'm worried about nature so even the thought of getting my hopes up just a tiny bit terrifies me because if it doesn't work then that would be truly devastating it's hard to know what we're feeling at this point good all good it's positive positive vibes yeah good stuff I was six minutes late here we go ready [Music] hello hey Laura how you doing hi Laura you okay yeah okay not well yeah nervous a little bit I think if we're honest yeah yeah so here I haven't looked at it yet right okay ready yeah that's what that would be Laura so two lines means pregnant yeah I mean look at it Laura look look at the state does it what does that look at it yeah there's three lines are you sure that's that's the right reading yeah like because if you say they oh my God thank you Laura thank you so much oh hell oh damn who's sperm fertilizers at the end these are embryos from before we met so what I just chose a donor you know totally anonymously really just on a screenshot chose someone that was tall chose someone that was um mathematical and sort of scientifically uh you know predisposed because obviously I'm not um chose someone with brown eyes chose in fact one of them was an engineer so you know obviously that's basically a description of Hannah engineer at all good or math logical and uh so you know hopefully that child will kind of be a it will be a sort of mixed mishmash of all the good things of Hannah and I yeah so sweet I haven't seen baby since I was in years I mean it does seem like a just a fate I find it a little bit comforting because I still have those demons that say you have not got a genetically into this child and therefore you'll never be entirely you know the mother and so little things like knowing that your donor had someone traits that similar to me say mine kind of hype that kind of stuff that helps okay I think my way of dealing with the fact that I can't physically carry my own child is to try and be as connected to the process as possible but what I can do is just take control of the logistics and the planning and the kind of all those like the the operational side of things um which are the skills that I owned from my time in the British army I now work in the financial sector having left the Army six months ago [Music] I joined scientist in 2009 at the age of 22 and I was in the Army for just five a decade uh during which time I was promoted to the level of Captain whilst I was still this kind of outly confident bloke in the army in the privacy of my own space I might um you know wear my work put makeup on wear women's clothes and that over time became my coping mechanism but then when I went to Afghanistan when privacy was taken away from me for a large period of time um that's when I began to really struggle um I told myself you can't do this anymore you need to come home I thought that I was going to get told I was a freak I was getting about to get bullied and I was gonna have to lose my my career that's generally what I thought so when I actually went in and told my commanding officer that I was transgender I wasn't really expecting a response okay did you know I was gay he was extremely kind to me and helpful and really gave me the support I needed in those initial days it was literally an overnight thing where one day I went home as you know a male officer and the next day I came in as a female officer you look good I'd come out in the military before I'd come out to my parents that was probably the toughest thing I've ever done in my life was to stand in that kitchen and tell my mom and dad that I was trans thank you so much do you see if I said I got as close as I could could the the trans comes oh well done good stuff it's quite right on your dad Hannah came out to us um a couple of years back now looking back if I'm brutally honest with myself I think I was actually a little bit ashamed [Music] my sense of Shame has been replaced we've absolute Pride I still think there was a bit of a like a grieving process where my parents grieved the future they thought they were going to have with the sun good to go yeah but I never for one second felt like I wasn't loved or wouldn't be supported and accepted okay okay that's good thanks Mama Dad good babes six months after leaving the Army Hannah is being awarded an MBE for her services to the LGBT community within the military [Music] it's a huge honor of small cities good stuff I love dessert [Music] [Music] is it doing anything nothing nothing just growing about an internal fans from school one day last weekend and she was like oh I didn't know you're expecting so I thought yeah but this is a surrogate one but you know yeah but then they were like that is so amazing everyone's so positive in towards that you know I mean it is really unusual you know if we were told by people you know you shouldn't do this we were told why people it wouldn't ever work we were told by people it would be ripping a child from its mother's stomach you know all of these things thank you [Music] [Music] Laura you're a miracle okay I wonder whether or not my biology is going to leave me bereft of you know mothering instincts or the types of hormones that are going to you know enable me to bond with my child and so when you have those moments like scan it's my small opportunity to really be with our baby and that's pretty amazing incredible [Music] thank you I think nine my kids know mommy's grown a baby but they know that the baby's not coming home with us you know they said what happens if Hannah doesn't want the baby my son said you discover someone else with a broken tummy so they they're understanding you know they're only young but they don't understand at all hello hey guys we've heard so much about you guys whilst we're away will you look after your mummy and our little baby in her tummy can you can you give her Tommy a Rob from now you know occasionally and just have a have a little chat with it look at this hello baby yeah this is your daddy speaking this may seem weird but it's not really and one day you'll look back and it will seem perfectly normal so if you can just do lots of that let's see hello baby hello I'll see you in eight weeks eight weeks [Music] Hannah and Jake have just had the 20-week scan of their baby and are now back home in London so this is the pictures um because the baby's quite big now and so it's quite hard to get the whole thing in and What's the sex of the baby it's a baby girl it's a baby girl yeah and there are her little feet how do you feel about being a baby girl very exciting so I've always wanted a boy first just because for me I just under I thought I'd understood boys better you know you throw a boy around you spin them you twirl them you do all those things and from my experience girls are more about sort of you know glitter and although I do love glitter and and dolls and things like that but then you know again there are lots of girls who are quite tough so we'll be all right isn't that quite like um conforming to gender stereotypes absolutely yeah it's terrible but I mean we all do it but yes you're absolutely right it very much is we all live in a you know a gendered society everything is gendered you know the moment you walk out the door and so just because we're trans doesn't mean that we're not susceptible to that and we are the same as everyone so we still end up forming the same stereotypes of what boys will be like and what girls will be like and that has informed our you know kind of our expectations of what our own child will be [Music] this won't crush me because it's photos with two months until their baby is due Hannah and Jake are upsizing to make room [Music] slowly slowly Knuckles oh hell you're right yeah Columbia I would hope that I would be able to give a baby a calm supportive safe home because growing up what crushed me and crippled me was just not being listened to not being heard foreign I was the apple of my dad's eye he was my hero I was his little tomboy I knew the one puberty hit everything was going to go to hell and it did and at that point in my life I became so crippled with self-loathing self-discus you know you're kind of trying to strap your chest down you know punch yourself in the chest do whatever you can to stop your body changing it's very very hard to be close to anyone else and and so my relationship my father and with my mother and with my sister completely broke down [Music] because this was at a time when it just wasn't talked about you know gay was bad enough let alone trans oh you think [Music] my father sadly died when I was 18 and mesothelioma we hadn't spoken properly in years before then you know obviously I didn't know he was going to get ill and I no one knew how quickly he would die and then that happened and obviously that leaves you then you know completely reeling knowing that you'll never be able to repair that relationship yeah I just internalized and became a little ball of rage and then you know I discovered alcohol and started finding a way to numb that um I eventually actually hospitalized myself at the age of 25 with acute pancreatitis and nearly died and that was as a result of my drinking so I made the decision to transition when I was I think 27 years old it was quite sweet as well at the time my mother actually dug out lots of walls birthday cards and Mother's Day cards and so on that I'd written her where I signed my name as Frank or Charles or Bob I mean God knows what she knew what she thought was going on here we are this is where Millie will be living yep just under the window probably just in that little spot there we'll add some glow-in-the-dark stars and some glow-in-the-dark sheep and you know I wouldn't be adverse to like painting a little Rainbow on the wall and some clouds I might put like little like Millie like a little Millie sign on the double yeah I mean for us it would not be a question of painting it pink or blue you know it's a nice gray gender neutral good good good good good good a little look Jake and Tanner have decided to go public with their pregnancy by doing this proactively we are actually helping protect ourselves because we know that this is a story that is going to grab the attention of the media so we can make sure the story is told that way and not the way someone else wants to tell it you get paid for these appearances yeah we get paid a bit it's not very much I know any money that we're getting paid at the moment all the money that we've earned from any appearances regarding the baby has gone straight back into paying off family and friends who've lent US money for the baby because we didn't have the money to pay Laura and medical bills and insemination bills and travel and everything else so we've borrowed all of that we're paying around 15 000 pounds which covers all of our expenses and the whole thing including the egg harvesting and so on has cost about 45 000 pounds yeah quite pricey [Music] we came on about this time last year to talk to Ryan about wanting to have a child through right sorry wow I was actually through that that eventually found our surrogance so here we are a year later go in the studio and being on the sofa always makes me feel a bit nervous mostly because there are so many people watching and ready to judge it's impossible to be an openly transgender person in the public eye without getting hate directed towards you it's an occupational hazard in many ways it's a very short that families are all different totally different and it's just to show that it doesn't matter as long as you love as long as you've got love to get through each other and love to get freaking hopefully the whole thing will be positive who knows it will who can say it will and you're always going to get the amount of people yeah you you know that yeah unfortunately we'll see you in a bit thank you so much there's more lovely people true absolutely yes talking about when we baby coming round about April we think around about April 12th is today April 12th oh my goodness there are loads of different ways to have children and she just wanted them and so many different families yeah and kids are still resilient and understanding you know they know what you teach them and if you teach them that this is a normal loving way to have a child then why would they know anything different sure I mean I know it's cost you a fortune but and you can't really put a Chase on that beat no for us in particular because obviously we've paid for this all entirely privately and we know now that the the savings starts in earnest Hannah and I worry every single time we do anything in the Press because we've seen friends get torn apart and I think there's a massive lack of understanding around trans people we are painted as predatory we are painted as deviant we are painted as mentally ill I mean it's all very positive so I would hope that no one would be moved to be hateful upon reading this [Music] um it wasn't you know it's not a bad article it's fairly generally speaking positive but um so if you scroll down to the bottom that's where it gets a bit fruity they cannot breed normally they should not be allowed to be anywhere near children which is I would say that's borderline offensive um borderline yeah to think that people actually think like that that because I'm transgender I shouldn't be near children that is you know it's a horrible thought so this person said selfish think of the poor kids and then someone's replied you know if you saw this couple in the street would you know the history and then this person is just playing with are you serious the huge Fist and jawline on the bloke and drag are a dead giveaway so yes I'm not sure I've ever been called a bloke in drag um but I get it I've got a big draw I'm a trans woman trans women like me have been through a male puberty and so we develop strong jaw lines and bigger hands we wish we hadn't so this one has said eek poor little mites confusion will be the little one's main issue I don't really see the logic in that whatsoever like I was brought up by two non-transgender people and I send out the right to end out not because of the way I was brought up because of who I initially am I wouldn't want my child to be transgender it's not an easy thing to be um if she is then she'll get all the support in the world but if she isn't then you know it's you know that doesn't really come into the equation for us it's not about who she is it's just about loving her foreign [Music] because we're doing it by surrogacy we'll never be able to breastfeed so it's all kind of being out and with a hungry baby and not knowing how to sterilize and things like that those are our big concerns [Music] anyone that doesn't have a big tummy um those things kind of like do you register on your brain and they do make you again feel like slightly odd one out it's a very constant reminder that you have been able to do what people see as like the the core thing that all women can do skin to skin this is the princess of baby game and it doesn't have to be mum no problem without getting the top off sitting in the corner with baby [Music] today I struggled with my physicality my whole life and I'm finally in a place where I like my body in the mirror and there was no way I could have for me entertained the notion of carrying a child [Music] hello the baby is due in one month's time even though it's not ideal that someone else has to carry our baby it's cute we are lucky that everything has gone according to plans so far now I just can't wait to meet our little girl [Music] and now some breaking news the Prime Minister has just broadcast a statement to the nation from Downing Street good evening the coronavirus is the biggest threat this country has faced for decades from this evening I'm the state of the British people a very simple instruction you must stay at home by simply staying he's not doing a trouble you're increasing our stocks a very quickly accelerating there's no way no trouble man has to travel by pioneering works this hasn't been the travel ban I thought you you would you you know we were worried about the trouble man this is actually as I'm worried about anything that prevents us getting to Northern Ireland the same lives I mean until we know what the travel companies are doing it's kind of irrelevant I'm just wondering now whether we should be just trying to get across what we can [Music] yeah so Jake and I are traveling to Ireland today we kind of got a new Airbnb last night and we've got the ferry book so just to kind of put you in the loop of what we're going it's a long drive we're not going to get there until about one o'clock in the morning probably you drive safely right we've got nappies we've got Moses basket got new rolls because you just can never tell in these times this is totally crazy [Music] if you're not at the birth one of the fears is that you think oh God is she gonna hold the baby first well she look down at the baby will she then start to bond with the baby with the baby then latch onto her breast and that would be awful I think we're gonna go in a number of Partners yeah okay I'm not the person for anything because sure I'm not gonna get people socks up no no no of course I'm not that type of person you know and it's obviously it's not ideally but can I just have to do what wants to be yeah yeah yeah laughs the way she's saying she's sounding very unlikely that we'll be in at the birth so then there's a minimum of six hours after the baby's born minimum and in that period of time in our baby's first hours of life we're going to be downstairs in a car park you know I know you know I know I understand if people are dying and they want to try and protect myself protect themselves I'm able to think on one hand that it's right to do from a kind of global Health perspective but it's still very bloody frustrating come to me okay it will be all right [Music] I'm kind of staying the car on the clothes we can't go in there are too many people and so we have to keep safe the government advice is that you don't go you can use back away it's like this can you just go slightly back please we're about to have a child can you go slightly back from us the government guidelines are we cannot be with all those people well we're not going to I'm afraid come on put the window he needs to get away oh this is really really worrying no joke they're taking off a little bit we've got to go coronaviruses [Music] doing things to us and our journey that we could never have imagined to not even be in the room as your baby is brought out into the world and draws her first breaths and draws her first scream would be horrible [Music] laughs [Music] Jake and Tanner have been self-isolating in Belfast for three weeks waiting for the birth of their baby we are on tender hooks waiting to know what's happening you know this sort of heightened feeling of limbo we're certainly feeling quite separated and quite distant from the arrival of our baby but obviously Corona has kind of changed everything I feel like our wants needs and what's right for our babies is being put on the back burner slightly it's no idea my love I know but like you know if you're near what my feelings are I don't I don't I don't share that degree of comfort that it's always great it sounds absolutely horrendous to me and it sounds awful it's not what I wanted it's not what I wanted either it's not it's not what the world wanted [Music] so that's it she's here oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God [Music] I'm obviously excited and happy but I am a little bit frustrated because obviously we were there and I really wanted to be there at these first few moments of bonding and life should be dead I'm basically the the father of a child who's just been born through surrogacy to a woman called Laura she's not the mom obviously I'm sitting here with my with my with the mother here in the car and our baby's been born we just don't know where she is now what we're sitting outside in the car park what a nightmare foreign [Music] we don't even know where our baby is and we're missing the first skin to skin we're missing the first few hours with her we're both nearly in tears down here she's been born we just have don't we don't know where she is in the hospital we don't know who she's with we haven't met her yet so she was born at half past five it's now nine o'clock it's just crazy oh yes thank you [Music] thank you so much oh [Music] my God how do we take it yeah it's just not got any glues big fish there you go [Music] oh my God [Music] thank you so much thank you so much Laura thank you so much thank you so much thank you [Music] thank you [Music] holy crap we got a baby [Music] she's not putting her hands in the jacket there we go we're sort of in [Music] say goodbye bye to Belfast [Music] the most natural human urge is to want to reproduce and to want to you know sow your Wild Oats and send little versions of you out into the world and hope that they keep doing better than you have and I think that's the drive of humanity here we go [Music] Milly's First Flight handled with Grace totally chilled that's my girl became my baby here we go baby this is your home this is it you're home now it's so easy to have expectations of what your child will be or what I'll grow up to be they never come true she's going to be her own woman possibly not but probably um whoever she wants to be she can be and Jake and I will support her wholeheartedly and we will never leave her side [Music] thank you [Music]

Channel: Real Stories

Views: 31,244

Keywords: LGBT community, authentic storytelling, breaking stereotypes, celebration of love, diverse identities, emotional journey, emotional rollercoaster, gender affirming, gender identity, growth and strength, hope and resilience, human connection, life-changing moments, lockdown, modern families, modern parenthood, proud parents, surrogacy process, transgender experiences, unconventional love story

Id: 8paDJ8KRUGc

Length: 47min 15sec (2835 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 16 2024