Oprah at Home with Gabrielle Union Dwyane Wade & Their New Baby

home sweet home hey open the door I come bearing gifts today an Oprah Winfrey television exclusive Oprah at home with actress and activist Gabrielle Union and NBA superstar Dwyane Wade we're gonna get to see her and their brand new baby daughter kavya james babies make us smile in an intimate conversation the power couple sets the record straight on their painful struggles surrogacy the criticism rushar oh my lord why are you reading those comments and the stigma surrounding infertility in the black community so many women suffering silence so congratulations on your first child together you know on Instagram I could feel even through just my little screen a kind of palpable joy and then I looked at all the responses and actually some of them made me tear up because other people were so joyful for you it's like they were a part of it did you feel that too yeah I mean I think trying to be as transparent as possible through so much of my fertility journey and our fertility journey people are feel seen yeah they feel like they're not alone and they want to know the outcome they want to have hope that somebody somewhere is having better luck than they are and so for them to finally see us with our baby mm-hmm just felt like yeah it is possible I can do this this can be I'm already getting choked up this can be my reality and it was so throat so much in my life I've realized that so many people are suffering in silence and every time we're more candid and transparent about our journeys no matter what those journeys are you are allowing people to be seen and heard and it in ways that they've never been so her arrival has been there has been so much joy and celebration because of what she represents for a lot for a lot of people are you still sleep less and delirious got a couple nights you got a couple she gave us she gave us a little bit seems like I know my parents they needlessly tonight but I'm tomorrow I'm up yeah I love what you posted it we are sleepless and delirious but so excited to share that our miracle baby arrived last night be a circuit and will forever be etched in our hearts is the most loveliest of all the lovely days welcome to the party sweet girl yeah so you were you there for the de lui were there for everything we've been there for I mean it was there for 36 hours waiting in a room just waiting on arrival yeah but I mean the whole process to even get to the point of deciding we're gonna get you know to use a surrogate finding a surrogate you know every appointment every ultrasound every you know there is it one taking video with our phones really every ultrasound we got all of it you know trying to feel as a part of the birth process as possible since it's happening outside of both of us but it's it's been a long a long journey in her 2017 New York Times best-selling memoir we're going to need more wine Gabrielle writes about how the couple met their 2014 wedding and her role as stepmother to three growing boys after so many years of trying you're finally a mother it's at 46 yeah and and I I recognized I think I've read in we're gonna need more wine great title for a book by the way I think that you never were even interested in children until his children so you fell in love with his boys yeah and that made you want to have children ever want where one of those girls growing up naming your children in the seventh grade no yeah I wasn't either but my friend Gail was so I'm like I try to be respectful of the women who Gail goes you didn't want children in the seventh grade no no it looked exactly as it is I saw motherhood and Parenthood with very realistic eyes it looked hard when I wanted a life of like flitting around the country and the lack of responsibilities and all that and Parenthood is is sacrifice sacrifice and being consistent yeah and being present and being present yeah and and then he got full custody and I signed up for the boys quicker than I signed up for him she thought she was getting a man it had a weekend kids she knows he's getting a man ahead like responsibilities yeah yeah but I love to how you describe how they proposed to you can you tell us that story how they proposed to you yeah so we was building our new home in Miami mm-hmm and it was it was around Christmas without actually having a Christmas party that night with our team so I decided that before our home you know Gaby what I wanted it to be special I wanted our room I did on my balcony about bedroom I wanted it to to be special so I decided that she was not just marrying me she was marrying all of us because she wasn't just accepting me she had that it was the whole group so I had them down without a pool and I had had to make their own signs and I had each one say it was like will you marry us and so I took her outside to look at the water and everything and she looking the boys down there with a sign and at first you like what is going on and then I'm so I get behind her and I get on like a yoga mat and I'm sitting there not wait for the turn around and she reading a boy say will you marry us oh and you thought it was a joke at first oh because the boys had been like kind of pushing us to be a real family so like you know as someone I guess that I committed to them before I committed to him so I'm at the school I'm you know doing parent-teacher conferences I'm at the recitals and and the games and everything but they're like can you we need to be a real family we're not a real family you're like my dad's girlfriend we we want a you know we want to be a real family so they had been to having these conversations and he's like okay ixnay I haven't worked now Brina they were much more really wanting a family their version of what a family yes so I thought they had done it on their own and I'm like oh god this is worse than like my parents like forcing him yeah they done made these signs and so I'm more turning around like oh my god like baby look and he was obviously he was obviously was in on it but I so that just gutted me so then did the miscarriages start soon after that yeah it would have been almost a year later that it was the first one that is like my arm is like oh another think about it you're so excited you know we had done about three rounds of IVF at this point and we had implanted two two embryos one took we get the pregnancy test we're very excited we get the positive you know results the doctor gives us this call and it was during all-star weekend in in New York and we get the call that we're pregnant and I'm I'm shaking I'm actually heading into an interview and and he's doing I'll star stuff and I'm shaking I'm calling him and we're all like everyone who's around me were all just crying and so we were we were just overjoyed and it was the it was the best few days I've ever had in life and then you go back in for additional testing and they're gone that fast Wow but in those few days because we were so excited and you know so many people had been so excited for us to start a family our you know between the two of us we told everybody and no no no you told everybody she was like babe I was like baby we're not gonna tell anybody that okay as soon as we got out in public it was like god I was so excited so excited and then you have to go back and tell us people like it didn't it didn't make it it didn't you know she didn't make it they so you know the irony I mean the fact that you went through eight or nine cuz it's becomes a blur that you even lost count was there time where you want it to obviously before even eight or nine just give up no no never I'm one of those people that I filled it all kinds of things repeatedly I've just always been of the mindset because this is what people tell you you work hard you do the right things you're a good person it will happen for you eventually they might maybe not yeah there's a couple times but but eight or nine you might want to listen you think yes but I was I could not let go of this idea of creating this life within me that I could feel that that that that tied me to him that that he could be a part of that the world could be a part of I'm not letting myself and all these people down I need to have this I need to be pregnant for everybody including myself but let me share something with you as we go into this process oh I'm watching my wife who I know all these things and I want this for us and I want this for her but I'm watching her do things to her body into ourself that is because getting to the point where it's not healthy and it's always told her I want this baby just as much as you do but I married you and you are the most important thing to me so it came to a point where you know I started to feel a certain way about that because I didn't want something happen to her and it was getting dangerous you know see we were trying so much and so many things as so many different methods and it was getting dangerous and I was getting nervous you actually write in here for three years my body has been a prisoner of trying to get pregnant either been about to go into an IVF cycle in the middle of an IVF cycle or coming out of an IVF cycle I have endured eight failed IVF cycles with my body constantly full of hormones and as you've probably figured out by now yes I'm constantly bloated from these hormones what were you thinking by the eighth time this is when you meant to that this is what you mean by it was starting to get you felt like too much you're dangerous and you'll isn't all about Thurs right any like well you know it's another surgery that we can do and that's when I had to step in to say no baby it's me and you you know I want to grow with you and you know I want this I want our miracle baby but I want you and once we got to that point and I think she heard me that's when we started to look at what's the other possibilities to help us you know bring our baby into the world and that's when we started to learn more I think you introduced a surrogacy but that way it's hard to let go that I mean it's still hard to let go of that via that you're not gonna carry the baby yeah yeah and did I miss did I fail in some kind of way did I am i defective in some kind of deep you know it's just am i defective in some kind of way am i less than in some kind of way am i less worthy in some kind of way and everyone sees it because we've been on bump watch since before well before we got married what's interesting about that is the very stigma that you want to erase in the world particularly for other black women because you know we carry this we carry this like you know from the African village where somebody's still giving a dowry of goats and you know cows that if the woman is quote barren which is such a hard word and a harsh word if the woman doesn't bear children then there are communities where they're like give me my cows back because you didn't produce and so you're carrying that somewhere primarily inside yourself those anyways and and it's actually being said in my comments section yes like you know he deserves a younger woman that can have kids for him he deserves a whole woman he deserves a real oh my lord why are you reading those comments but you know you you're like oh don't read the is what I say to other people don't read the comment yes you know it's somebody you know your mother's basement and yeah you know who cares about them as I'm like you know say you know reading it myself you're reading them and it hitting the nerve that you already have what I'm already feeling about the comments can't affect you unless you already think it yourself exactly when somebody says oh this is a dumb B yeah I'm like well I'm not a dumb like you know I don't even it doesn't even register but when people say things that land because it's what you're feeling about yourself and hey it can just send you into this spiral and then because they're B there is this public pressure to for us to procreate and every time I'm bloated and you know we went to a ball we we think greens like a damn far ball in New York and I had this beautiful dress on and when I was fit for it my stomach was flat and that's the fun part about your body going through wacky things hormones I could wake up flat stomach by like three hours later I literally look like I am six months pregnant Wow and so by the time I put this dress on my stomach is protruding in a way that I can't conceal it with Spanx I can't tie it up I can have you and and they couldn't a paparazzi caught me leaving the hotel and by the time we got to the event I was pregnant ah and then there's no baby to show yeah that's what they said so you're living with all of that to the public stigma it's interesting what you just said you said that one of the comments you read was like he deserves a younger woman and I hadn't even thought about the age difference but was the age difference also affecting the way you felt about yourself in the relationship it never has and except when we're listening to music and deciding what concerts to go to I'd never think about he's difference really but the second I walked through the very first fertility doctors door it was your old you automatically have XY and Z and if you if there's any trouble what do to hear what is old now what is considered old by fertility standards anything older than like 34 you are officially high-risk you have diminished ovarian reserve you you are officially you know you may have a tough time well and then so when you're 25 you know Lena Dunham has been very open and transparent and she's she's become a friend through adenomyosis she's in her 20s so when you're when you're talking about having reproductive health issues it's putting younger and younger so when an older woman walks in they immediately dismiss anything else as it's just your age after seeing the the world's leading IVF doctors for a number of years I was finally correctly diagnosed with adenomyosis and what does that mean I don't know meiosis is endometriosis of the muscle anyone can any woman can get endometriosis or adenomyosis at any age and it can cause diminished ovarian reserve so what they're just automatically assuming is age-related diminished ovarian reserve it's actually tied into adenomyosis in my 20s when I first got sought treatment from my OB about this incredibly heavy long period that was lasting almost a third of the month heavy clotting heavy periods extremely painful they said we're gonna put you on that the birth control pills to regulate your period yeah the problem is when you're on birth control you're not actually having a period yeah because it's the absence of it's it's shutting down you're you you ovulating so a period is you know the the the sloughing away of your uterine lining if you're never obviating you're not actually having a period so that breakthrough bleeding that you get every month that's coming on time that seems to be regulated is just you taking the placebo pill and it's breakthrough bleeding it's not actually a period did you know all these things now right yes yes I didn't know that I couldn't I was on the pill for 20 years so I thought by the time I get off the pill I will be ready because my period has been fixed and now it's not now I had the same thing in my 20s that I have in my 40s because that 10-day period that came back the heavy heavy period that came back the painful super Claudia period came back nothing has been fixed but I would have had the same issues in my 20s and I was not correctly diagnosed or treated and we have especially in the black community we have a higher incidence of endometriosis adenomyosis fibroids cysts and also in the black community the it it happens to so many women so many women suffer in silence and also we're the last people to go to seek help about anything we get a lot of misinformation yes that's been passed down generation upon generation even you wake from the time you get your period it's you got the curse you know this is a woman's you know this is the woman's curse you can get pregnant now and that's really always say so you're used you're thinking words like curse and you're worried about pregnancy but when you have irregular periods heavy periods extremely painful periods you're thinking and nobody's talking about it nobody you're not thinking maybe this isn't normal so we don't get help right you know but so much of it is shrouded in secrecy and we suffer it I was gonna say and we suffer in silence how did you feel when you read Michelle Obama's book and you saw that she had so I mean and I I said to her you mean you didn't have to say that but she shared with the world that she and Barack Obama used IVF in order to have their two beautiful girls well we we feel that we have a responsibility right and in Africa African American community we have a responsibility to to educate write to our life experiences the good that we show when we go on our vacations yeah that's us just Sean you know you can do like a stay right life is good you didn't you know no matter what you from but also we have you know my wife said on the write a book and she talks about everything we've been through to you know to this point this is us educating it's us having a responsibility so what Michelle did and what Barack did I mean doubt for us was like thank you another strong voice another strong powerful voice in Aramaic and after American community stepping up and educating and and having a responsibility and stemming I'm saying you know what you're not the only one look at us we don't we have went through this and that as well so it was great for us and we was like you know what this is the reason that we decided to come out and we decided to talk about you know everything that we've been through you right in their gonna need more wine yes I would like to have kids they ask when are you starting have you had trouble are you facing infertility what's wrong with your uterus do you have vaginal issues wanting and not having opens you to all these rude insensitive prying questions that people ask one of my producers had said to me that that when you have children outside of what what quote what people think is normal everybody thinks they have the right to be in your business that if you're just you know a quote couple having a baby nobody says oh did you have six this night and how long did you have sex in did the egg the sperm they could but when you're having other using other methods people feel like they can just ask you anything is it your eggs and what happened and how did it happen did you get all those questions everything like what what colors the baby gonna come out no no like my own father I've explained the whole process at nauseam look like we had early Thanksgiving cuz my husband has to go back to work my dad was like so you found a light-skinned surrogate what mm no what wait what there's no genetic tied at that it's a gestational carrier maybe we should use that phrase more because we're using her body were you that she was she was gracious enough to to to allow us to to put our embryo in in her womb and she she was able to cook our baby for us and but there is no genetic connection connection you know something you just said are we still having discussions and families about light-skinned Oh if you don't think people kit first of all our baby is what not even two weeks yeah the first thing cuz she's you know it's kind of chilly in our house she's got a little hat on yeah and she has the this little thing that covers her hands so she doesn't scratch her face people peel back the little hand thing to see the color on her nail beds they pull back the Hat to see her ears oh they were giving me no like what we don't know what we look like and we would have somehow have a problem with having a baby that looks like us wow that makes my eyes water I did not know that we were still there people are still looking at the code because I heard if you look at the tip of the ears that's gonna tell you what color the baby and what do you ever think about that colorism in the black community I know you write about it a lot and we need more wine but with your own baby at this at this stage with this that's the Lisa bug cuz I wasn't worries we were more concerned about the jaundice but like because she was born with jaundice she's changed colors a hundred times but we were more concerned that she was born we thought she was too pale and we were like waiting for her to catch up to us yeah so it wasn't a matter of let's slow down her coloring process it was let's get a healthy baby and we don't we don't care about her color but a lot of people who came to visit black people are you know family members that we would first stop become like you ain't slick I saw you peel back the the hat to see your ears to see what color she is yeah wow that is pretty to see what her real color is gonna be see what her real color is gonna be so what was the mom okay what was the most hurtful thing that was said to you during the process of you trying to figure out what you were gonna do going through miscarriage after miscarriage throughout the process there's I wasn't really I wasn't really you know I tried to tell my wife the saying let's don't look at that stuff you know I think for me the most hurtful thing was once we had a baby and everyone started to talk about why is she in the bed holding a baby why she got a gown on why she acting like she just had a baby and it's like once again is you know people are uneducated on the process and and why why we decided to go skiing skiing without baby came out you know and so me it was just like yeah I heard some things about the hospital down you want to explain that yeah so okay so when our baby you went our surrogate you know her water broke we all I mean I was in LA I was actually headed to work luckily I have an amazing job and being the boss actually kind of helps in these situations me and Jessica Alba so we already had a plan in place I plan immediately kicked in I headed down to the hospital Dee got on a jet was like we were immediately there it was a really long labor so we were all just kind of waiting and preparing and praying and my mom flew in and so by the time the doctor decided to do a c-section that was not our birth plan but that's what ended up happening the cord was wrapped around was tied around her ankle so she had to come out via c-section we had our own room from the time she was born we all our surrogate our surrogates husband me and my husband we all had a chance to all bond together all it took all of us to create her so we all had this time together and we all you know we went into our surrogate went into recovery and we us and the baby were able to go immediately to another hospital room but it's a hospital room it's the beds that are used for pregnant women it's not the bed that we would have chose because obviously he's Shrek and cannot fit in in a regular hospital bed but we climbed in there together I got a hospital gown I had one of my New York and company sweaters on but skin-to-skin was was kind of hard and because the doctors kept coming in and other family members a gown is easiest to slide to have you know full being fully you know yes skinned up super skin-to-skin it was easier to have skin-to-skin in a hospital gown as opposed to the clothes that I came in he can take off his shirt nobody cares I mean well perhaps people care it was a good sight but for a woman it was just a little bit for modesty it's easier and it was easy all the baby without yeah big sweater a little bed because that's what's in the room you know to read for because that's it's the hospital and so people had stuff to say about they had all kinds of stuff to say they thought what you were delirious and thought you'd had the baby or well as much as I love Handmaid's Tale it has not helped anyone who's going through surrogacy yeah so it's this idea that like the baby was born and we snatched the baby we ran off and then try to pretend like I had some sort of secret pregnancy baby I just showed my a bikini the other day like for a reason I wasn't hiding a pregnancy you know like I I was trying to do skin-to-skin and in the available space you know that was sterile and and available so you're having this actual dis conversation because you want people to be clear on what and you want to erase the stigma for other people and you also want to get people out of your business I'm pretty sure well we actually I feel like are pretty pretty open about people being in our business but if you're gonna be in our business have the right information you know I mean I actually needed to look at the comments so when we when we were able to come speak with you and have this huge platform I wanted to figure out where is the disconnect where is the misinformation so you have to just eliminate pagers there's people who just don't want me breathing period so those people had eliminate but the other people who would say you know nasty things or sort of these erroneous comments let me figure out what that is and so then we can address what you think your issues are in that and that that space of misinformation that creates the space for negativity and and you know misinformed hateration in hateration that's what we wanted to talk you about like there are all different ways you can become parents everyone's journey is different everyone's journey to surrogacy is different understanding how much surrogacy costs understanding the legal aspects of surrogacy understanding that surrogacy laws change from state to state understanding that sometimes people use donor sperm sometimes people use donor eggs sometimes it is the couple's own embryo but there's all different kinds of routes to that whether the couple opts to share that with you should be on them yeah you know also understanding how to even have the conversation in a respectful regional way so that's that's what I'm looking for from the two of you because there's so much ignorance around it and it's just like any other situation where people are going through loss or experienced a tragedy sometimes people just don't know what to say yeah what is the proper or appropriate and inappropriate thing to say to people who are going through IVF Oh IVF Oh how are you doing then you let that person tell you what they want to tell you so is it anybody's business where at your egg or his sperm or the so that is not a proper thing not on the table not only if they want to offer that because every couple is different some couples will tell you everything and I'm like that's a lot of information but that's their journey and they want to be fully transparent a lot of people have suffered losses that you cannot imagine so how they got to their surrogacy journey or their IVF journey or their IUI journey or their clomid journey even is really personal so it's best to say how are you doing is there anything I can do for you there's a person that you want me to know if I'm looking to go into to do an IVF cycle is there something that is there information that I need to have to ask my doctor so that basically you all got to surrogacy because you had said babe enough already yeah we exhausted all possibilities well there was one left there was a surgery and then there were these shots of lupron right yeah lupron is is is what a lot of doctors prescribe for people who have endometriosis and Adam adenomyosis and fibroids are cysts where the pain is just debilitating they can't function not just during their period but just in life and what Lupron does is put your body into early menopause as long as you're on the shot your body is an early menopause so you're dealing with everything that comes with menopause but it may may eliminate pain right for us because my adenomyosis in in my uterus is right where most fetuses embryos implant and grow my adenomyosis every we weren't having problems getting pregnant we were having my butor aswhat like oh what is this I'm going to holding it yeah so my I don't knows my adenomyosis would cover the developing fetus like the blob and snuff it out sometimes it let it get a little further along than others the Lupron would quiet that adenomyosis and the goal was it would be the the baby would have a chance to grow faster than the outer no meiosis could cover it but you decided not to do there's only a 30% chance I was willing to take that thing I wasn't willing to take that chance you know it like just all at the side of I was not willing to take that chance so you weren't willing to go there so what's your relationship going to be like with the surrogate you do now continue a relationship with them or is it bye-bye in the hospital or us and again everyone is very different some people just want their baby and like thank you God bless goodnight some people are have very open you know sort of relationships with their surrogate family and they continue to be a part of your family we're two weeks in and we talked to them all the time and it's a part of this that their family is a part of our story yeah we'll call the what will Kavya know about how she came into the world well luckily she will have this special social no but she we want her to understand everything that would that she was so loved and wanted and desired and protected and nurtured when she was just a thought we want her to know everything that it took to bring her into this world usually around the time she starts talking back and when she develops she's like now we wanted to really understand what we went through what do you think bringing a girl into all these boys is going to do to the family well was needed it was needed so much muscle going around at the house it was needed like even you know eleven-year-old he said he said dad it's too many you know my got two older boys who best friends now I was always around my let me I was like that it's too many guys in houses it's seven at all times like we needed you know we needed his job now family but I think all of our boys when they even they got a chance to see their sister hold a sister they just fell in love with her you know so I think it was needed at this time she's a very zen baby so she just kind of thank you Jesus they God knew what kind of child to bring into the weight household because she is very chill she's easy to be around they're never heard of one time since we've been oh we have not with all of this this going on I know you made actually big news with your decision to take paternity leave from the Miami how did you come today I mean that was like big news and as you we were saying just before we started this a lot of people thought yeah you know ya have a baby but don't take off don't take off from the games but you made that decision y-yeah so that is a mentality right for professional athletes you can have a baby you didn't have the baby you get right back to plan a sport for me and for my wife and I filmed our journey was just totally different and as we as we explained even even having a surrogate carry a baby I would I wasn't there to be able to be like hey baby daddy's here yeah you know to have these conversation so she can hear me why so we can sing to her so we can read to her so this connection that we that we both needed it had to happen right away and for me it was like you know what I've always done things my way and they expect my wife to take off right why not expect me to take off as well we're parents and we're doing this together it's know she do this I do this know we do this together so for me it was a no-brainer my wife who was a corona gonna take off two weeks then I'm gonna take off two weeks and it was something I needed to borrow my daughter I need it to be able to be there I need a skin-to-skin on my daughter I need it to read to my daughter I needed to do these little flash cards for my daughter I needed to do all this you need to know you know her father's worse you need to hear my heartbeat as well as need to feel my facial hair as well like all these things was important to me just it is to my wife and because you made it an announcement was it well received did you was it well received did people I know you do what you want to do was it well received I don't know I really don't oh I really don't even follow an NC you know yeah I wanted to make the announcement because I wanted to tell the fans this is my last season so I wanted to tell the fence was paid a money some of them probably paid a last dime to come and see me you know people are flying from China different places that come to see me play you know one last time so I wanted to make the announcement to let them know I'm sorry that I'm not there for you guys to see me play and you guys might have spent you guys last money and all these things but this right here for me these two weeks that I'm taking off this is what's important for me and my family in my life how did you how you know from the beginning when you all first started dating you said earlier that she didn't realize that you are a father who's going to be responsible you're not a weekend dad and you take paternity leave to be with your baby skin-to-skin to have that time how did you develop this nurturing spirit when you know you and I had a conversation several years ago and talked about you having a key parent your mother absent in your own life how did you get to be such a good man and nurturing father I have no idea I think it comes from the absence of what I wanted yeah when I was a kid so you're trying to give back what you didn't get right yeah I'm trying to analysis everything it's like as a you know as you go to you start work and you able to be successful now you want to give your kids everything you didn't have well for me it was certain things that I wanted and it wasn't material things I wanted I wanted my dad to look at me and say I love you I'm one of my dad to just hug me I wanted my dad to say I'm proud of you I wanted my mom to know all these little things is what I wanted and I always told myself when I get a chance and I'm blessed to have a family I'm gonna make sure my kids know that they father would go you know they'll do anything he can for them and I've been able to be in a position where you know I was able to go for custody of my kids and I was able to gain custody but bringing them into a loving household and be able to raise them to be that we think you know great young man and and now I may be to where my wife now in this process I'm able to have some say I may be to do something a little different and show my kids I'll lead by example I'm showing them what's not enough fact yeah I love that and I love God we are where you say in the book I realized that society does not provide great models of black women as nurturers of black children and actually when I read that I thought wow is that true cuz we see all these but usually it's black women historically who are as you say nurturing other people's children you know the only picture I have of my grandmother is her holding a white child that she took care of for years and I always wanted my grandmother to feel about me the way she looks like she feels about that child and you go on to say that maybe as caregivers to white children or the sassy sage asexual sidekick to a long-suffering woman or maybe the beat some sense into you black mother that we've seen in viral videos but never as loving as kind as sensitive or nurturing to black children and that's a stereotype type that needs changing what's going to shift that us you know it sounds like super cliche but you have to be the change you want to see and you know whether that be just documenting all of us doing normal things loving things as a family and the people that we follow you know on social media the people that whose voices that we amplify who do who are amazing loving nurturing women and then you know as someone in who has the ability to help create images for media to create those stories and to create those images that people can look to to see anytime they turn on you know their their smartphone or their television or go to the movies we have a responsibility to to show a variety of parents and I think we have never had that variety we've missed the loving part of that you were such a loving stepmother that the boys wanted you to marry them and pretty impressive what has being a stepmother taught you about motherhood you have some specific things to say about that well that I wrote that before I and we were even sure we wasn't gonna be able to have success with a surrogate so is more hopeful wishful thinking but now that it's it's here and we just had you know the boys here for Thanksgiving patients and that every child has different needs you can't do one-stop shop parenting for all of them they all have very different needs very different personalities they're not all gonna respond to the exact same thing I can say that over the years all those years to do the Oprah show and parents would come on complain about their kids the number one complaint would be I did the same thing for him that I did for all of them in each oh well that's the that's the cific problem because you can't do the same thing cuz my mom never she treated us all so differently and they all came out so differently I thought one of the things that you make a great point of in we're gonna need more wine is that don't think you're ever gonna replace their mother no matter what how bad that mother is no matter I thought that was a really great point you have to I mean as a stepparent your job is to be consistent so if you are more discipline natured of a person just be that don't go from you know Bobby Knight to pushover in a span of 30 minutes like you whatever do whatever it is whoever you are just be consistent so they know what to expect understand that your role is to be an additional helpful reasonable responsible caring loving adult your job is not to replace their mother or father as a stepparent and I've never gotten that confused I've never encouraged them to call me mom or mother or or mama or what do they call you Nikki Nikki they call me what my family calls me and we have a beautiful relationship but I'm not their mom and you have to leave space for their actual parents to to exist even when the parent has passed away even if the parent is absent even if the parents out of the country you cannot you should not try to occupy that sacred space that should be held for their parents no matter what the situation what did you see in her Twain that you said I want her to be with us for the rest of your life and the raising of your children what was it about her you know we see this sassy you know world-renowned actress I mean what did you see that you thought this woman can be the mother of my children yes it was moments that no one sees right it's the moments in the household when when when zyre comes home and he has a problem with a girl and she be like you know what let me take let me take this one oh it's the it's the times where she flies home early from work because it's a problem at our boys school and she goes up to the school and she laid down it's the it's all these moments you know when it comes to you know our kids that I don't have all the answers to and we're partners and sometimes we're in a room together and we trying to strategically figure out how we gonna speak to him how are we gonna talk to him she's in this with me it's he's not looking at me like what you're gonna do she's like okay what we gonna do how are we gonna raise these boys once I looked at her and I said oh she's all the way in which not only would me she's in with us she's doing things that I can't do and the boys need and I started seeing them starting to come home and be like yo Nikki so I'm like well what about me you know I started seeing them go to her and I started seeing them on her and so these things right here became important to me to see known is we don't become a family but also I can't wait to have a family we have a little girl I want to look girl have a little girl with her so I can watch her you know put that amazing stamp it's a girl no we need a girl you need you girl no we need a girl like she wanted I think she wanted a boy that kind of thing she wanted a boy like you or did you just wanted a healthy baby well I wanted a healthy baby but I you know if it was gonna be a girl she needed to be in the WNBA you know yeah I you know I and because I was I ended up raising boys you know I mean and that's sort of what I thought well if I could raise one from scratch you know that I you know I had full control over and you know cuz the other thing is a stepparent you actually have no rights he has full custody I'm here if they have to go to the hospital you know like he has to give me from I don't have any rights my parents show up for everything they have no grandparent rights as step grandparents oh yeah we don't say that but we don't have any legal rights so you're here because you want to be here and you love you you know you love to be but having a child who I don't have to consult with any other person outside of my husband about raising her that's more of what I was you know excited about and ends I aired right I have rights and zyre said I don't know where this kid I'm like do you have ghostwriters for these texts because he said he's like I'm so excited for you you deserve this to raise one of us from scratch oh my goodness at 11 he's saying that no that's a 16 16 all right I love where you talk about the two of you obviously as you just said are raising these these these sons and you always talk about in the book or you talk about in the book dropping these black bombs I love that section and raising black young men in a world that sometimes and oftentimes in many communities sees them as threatening and menacing is a challenge and so you all recognize that so you've had the talk right and sometimes you're never ever and ever in you talk about what it means even ringing a doorbell to ask for directions and on page 206 you say that you like dropping these bombs on your stepsons what does that really mean these black bombs I wish I'd never had to but it just feels like every week there there is something happens where I have to explain yet again and and drive it home and and explain new situation tell everybody about the first time they went to their sleepover I think this is the first time the first sleepover you know it's a you know in general most parents are like a little weary about letting your kids stay somewhere else but when you parents of black children and they're going to you know at someone else's house who's not black we told them you only go in areas where the family that you're sleeping over how are they how were you mean others talk like eight or nine you only stay in rooms where that family can see you if anything comes up missing or anything goes wrong you will be blamed like you stay where they can always see you Mystica I do the way you describe it is like there they are in the back seat because little backpacks on they're excited to go to their friend's house and you go wait don't you be wandering around their house around a house don't don't don't go in any room where you are not seen or documented yeah I actually love social media for this reason our black photographer is laughing because he knows that that's true we all know that's true you know like missing years or just telling them how to how they how they have to walk the dog down the street you know what I mean the fact that I had one of the only black families in our neighborhood in our neighborhood the other black family is crazy his old teammate Chris Bosh he lives 11 doors down so we would only allow him to walk the dog from our house down to the Bosh's because the boss has had security and we could like say you let us know they thought they were on their own but they're totally being documented but even 11 doors down we told them how to wrap the leash around you know just one finger right but don't put your hands in your pocket our street isn't super well-lit so if because we don't have to in we're in Florida it's a stand-your-ground states it's not just police that you have to be concerned about where we live each house has their own most people have their own personal security so if you frightened one of our neighbors they they and they because people have gotten away with it can shoot you and kill you and get away with it so there was a time to when they were going to somebody's house who had a big gym yeah when they had the golf cart yeah tell us that story what happened when they were going down to Phil's gym with the golf cart and you gave him permission when I told him it was to what do we do we had to go get them in the golf cart let me tell you all the boys were going to a house where a friend has a gym and they're going down the street she had said no then you said yes they play this okay yeah okay she'd said knows and you said yes the boys are going she said where are they you said oh they went down to somebody's house and then you said it's too late nobody can see them and if you know anything happens because they change the locks on that gym and what someone will if what it will look like is they're breaking in two boys are trying to get in a house where the locks have been changed and they're gonna be accused and where you had given them permission after I said no it was too late anyway so then those of you we both get in the golf cart and go look for them and while we're going a police officer pulls up next to us and like slows down and then Oh d-wade but I what you know what I tell our boys if if someone stops you if whether it's a you know one of our neighbors personal security a police officer you don't say your name you don't say I don't don't recite your rites which they know I'm doing wait son we are in South Florida and that will go a lot further than anything else you could possibly say you come home and tell us and then we will handle those people but come home yeah and know your address we told them how to recite it I'm doing anyway son I'll if that says I phone number is this and that you can call my parents right now like we let them know exactly what to say but it's things that you can't that are hard to teach like tone yeah how someone will receive your tone or what they imagine in their minds you knowing your rights you speaking by our standards respectfully yes to a person in authority explaining your rights to exist you know in your neighborhood you're not causing any trouble you're not doing anything can be received as aggressive disrespectful inappropriate and they can use all of those things to kill you to hurt you to arrest you to put things on your record and it just happened last week in their school you know and it these things never end and we have to work so you're constantly having the conversation the conversation and how and how blackness can be demonized weapon ah weaponized and criminalized you never said half the things that they said you said it's do you say those words to them or do you just have another more mild conversation none of these conversations no we're we're we talk to them like they're like they're what they're gonna be when they're adults yeah we talked to among young adults and we we tell them how it is just because we have celebrity or we have the means don't it doesn't take you out of anything then does that make them because you're living in a predominantly an area where they're not a lot of black people does that make them then fearful order how do you do it in such a way but they still can they're not fearful they're very privileged kids yeah so it's like logically they get it it's not until it hits close to home what I still go how to experience it right like we can tell them all day but it is how it has been moments over the course of of a school or with someone house when some of these things that we've said have occurred and they like we've just what with this what we've been talking about so these are moments for us now to educate because even though you tell them you tell them as we all know you have to go to it just em you have to experience it and we just want them if they experience it to be able to be alive to come home to tell us about it yeah and there still will you will you have a different conversation with Coby oh hell no hell no will be the same conversation yeah interesting yeah because you know Sandra Sandra bland you know enemy um a woman who knew her rights and her articulating her rights with passion and vigor that obviously was needed she she's no longer with no longer with us so I wish we had the luxury of raising her differently because she's a woman no no so this is gonna be your final season really really yeah this is this will be my final season was that hard to come to it was me I love I love this game I've been playing since I was five years old you know I'm a plan for 31 years so it was definitely hard to come to I can still play the game but for me at this point it was about you know looking at looking at my family looking at the space that we in the place that we in as a family and I'm like you know what I've been selfish long enough you know I want to be able to now support my wife I want to be able to now and be there support my daughter I want to be able to support my boys as they you know before they get to college before they go I want to be able to be there I want them to see me a little more you know my family has been so understanding about me not being there and I look at my career and I can say I'm I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished and I have nothing else that I want to accomplish in the game of basketball I've accomplished everything individually team wise I've surpassed my dreams so now I'm just being selfish hold annoying so I can be on the road or I can add a couple more points to my point total or you know anything I have left to get to the game it's my knowledge to the young guys in the locker room which I try to give every day but outside of that you know I have more to give to my family I would imagine though that it is a really anxiety filled decision to come to because what is life after basketball we've been playing basketball for your whole life and since you were 5 years old yeah do you worry about life after basketball for your husband I and him around every do that gonna be around every day you say I was retiring to be around every day well it was when he was this summer he didn't exactly have a plan he was like well I'll figure it out I'm like no there will be no idle time here if I'm going to work twelve sixteen hours a day I need to not have you know leave and you're on the couch and I come back so how much you play one more year and figure that out but um but no he is one of those people that the longer he has time he notices everything okay like he's out there like Edward Scissorhands with the you know with the landscapers he's you know walking around with the banners he took down a bird's nest yesterday like he's he's got too much time okay so but I understand you getting coached on it which i think is really wise you're getting coached on how to let basketball go by I'm never gonna let basketball go okay like I'm gonna love it I'm gonna miss it I know that it just comes a time as an athlete where you know but you're being coach dormant in that coach but you've consulted with Magic Johnson yeah uh early in my career you know when I got an opportunity you know to reach out to magic and say can I come and have a meeting with you yeah sure he opened his doors up for me and I started acting with questions about you know what he's done off the court and how can I get to the point where I could even think this way to get to this and cuz when you're on the court you don't have time to think about them you have time to think about I mean and you're young and everything is going well you think this is gonna last forever and you know earlier Mike early in my life I started to look and say okay I've had injuries and I've had surgeries and what if I don't come back to be the player that you know I once was what do I have to fall back on and that's when I reached out to imagine that's when I got opportunity come down to LA and meet with him in his office and you know we just got a 10 he's got a chance to just open up his his heart his booklet to me and say listen this is how I did it doesn't mean this is exact for you but this is how I did it and I was able to take that and then go and develop you know the business you know mindset and savvy that I have at 36 years old incredible every parent I've come to know has a dream for their family and I will never forget a show I did with fathers and the black father in particular stood up and talked about the dream that he held for his family and what I realized is no matter where you are on the status level how much money you make or don't make everybody has a dream for their family what would that be for you hmm great question as a whole just obviously health that's number one I want us all to to be as together you know as as we can be I want us to all support each other mm-hmm you know I want us to all appreciate each other's abilities in life and support each other no matter what or who I want us always always always be able to come together sit around the table and be able to talk about issues feelings I won't sign EADS I just want us to love each other you know and you know for us you know I want to be able to see my kids kids have kids you know and be around you know and just experience them grow and and see who they're gonna become in life and hopefully they become these people in this world that we're trying to raise them to become what is the one point of impact you want this conversation to have with the viewers so that they know what this experience of bringing this miracle into the world has been for you what is the one thing you want them to get hope knowledge a feeling and a sense of community that doesn't always feel like it exists when you're in it you are not alone there's many paths to Parenthood to motherhood it doesn't have to match your friends or your sisters or your mama's every path is real and beautiful and valid and worthwhile but more than anything who you are not alone you don't have to suffer in silence you don't have to suffer alone there's there's hope there's hope there's answers we got you the one thing that struck me so much about we're gonna need more wine you know I've always seen you as this beautiful brown skinned girl I mean I think about Paul Laurence Dunbar his poem little brown baby and reading I was so surprised to read that you grew up not loving the color of your skin that you didn't think that you were beautiful what will you do to counteract those feelings and to ensure that cavia from the day she's born does not carry that weight of colorism of not being enough of lack of esteem that you had how will you change that her life so my parents raised us to give us compliments about our intelligence which yes amazing yeah they always told us you can do anything you're you're amazing they said all I mean every compliment you can imagine except you're beautiful we love you as you are your skin is beautiful hmm they thought beauty is fleeting so why would we ever focus on that so I started looking out for anyone who would tell me I was beautiful I don't go great I'm smart whatever but I won't nobody tell me I'm pretty yeah we will tell her all the things my parents told us but we will also tell her you are beautiful you are worthy from birth you are worthy you are beautiful you are stunning your skin is rich it holds so much history and beauty and love and we will drive that into her every single day but again you know I talked about it in my book you can't self esteem your way out of other people's BS yeah and how other people treat you but you can control how you react to it and respond to it and how much of that you allowed to land so as long as we're still having these conversations about team light-skin and team dark-skinned and this that and the other it's it's a thing it's a thing that we have to acknowledge you can't tell brown girls dark-skinned girls and women that it's all in their minds and if you just do X Y & Z it's gonna disappear it's not we're living in the real world and so much of colorism is centered around who gets chosen and why who gets uplifted whose voices are amplified who gets the attention of you know this guy or this type of person and for a lot of us the people who seem to get skipped over for that attention and who get passed over for to be chosen are the darker skinned browner you know brown or women with tightly or you know more tighter coiled hair yeah and and the people that we decide are the most beautiful in the world you know it just came up you know recently with the passing of Kim Porter and for so many of us talking it was what Kim rep refused what Kim represented was this beautiful bright light who was brown and unapologetically she was a bad M effort like she was she was so dope and she was so loved and universally upheld as this standard of beauty that we didn't have it in and and and one of the things which is a whole nother conversation that Puff chose her yeah that she was chosen she was chosen by this kind of man well then there's hope for all of us and reconciling all of those feelings along with the loss of this beautiful so it it highlighted this need to amplify the voices and the beauty and the souls of all of us in the African Diaspora we are all worthy and we are all beautiful and we all need to be upheld our natural sisters you know are we've sisters are wigs sisters are extensions sisters are our in every hue beautiful worthy the jokes at our expense as brown women as dark-skinned women we are made to be caricatures we are deserving of love we are deserving of respect we are deserving attention we are deserving of equal treatment you know you get into you know how discipline is is doled out even among black children along the color spectrum mm-hmm you know how black men are sentenced darker black men are sentenced differently and more harshly than lighter skinned black men wait this isn't in our minds this is these are real things this is another show there's another show we gotta try to put all of this into our little black girl yeah so she's walking she got a little step she got extra swag you know to hopefully help to insulate the world that we live in well I can tell you that you know and all of my experiences the most valuable thing you can give is this gift of being desired so I hope that light and love and God will continue to bless your family because she was so desired thanks for letting me talk to you thank you where is my baby we're gonna get to see her drum roll please babies make us smile they give us hope thanks for letting me hold her what an honor [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: THE GΛLXY BROTHERS

Views: 814,422

Rating: 4.7122064 out of 5

Keywords: oprah winfrey, gabrielle union, dwayne wade, the baby, ivf, marriage, family life, black life, black excellence, black hollywood, la, los angeles, california, wine, red wine, superstar, the galxy, lxytv

Id: BJMtrHpzuwg

Length: 64min 30sec (3870 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 15 2019