Nick Swardson | Whiskey Ginger w/ Andrew Santino 205

this episode of whiskey ginger is brought to you by rabbit hole distillery and they're one-of-a-kind kentucky bourbon and rye whiskeys i love rabbit hole i've talked to you guys about them before i'm a big fan of uh the rabbit holes uh they got four different vibes they've got the cave hill uh the boxer grill the high gold and that derringer that's finished in sherry cast what i love about this is a lot of places brag about small batch that's something that you hear a lot in the bourbon world but i gotta tell you they're super small batch they're extremely exclusive uh that's under 15 barrels under 15 over there so you know the quality will be there in every single bottle and that's what i like consistency baby it does taste the same every time you take a sip from any bottle trust me i've ripped through one two three four five six seven eight nine ten total i've lived a lot of bottles they've sent me a lot of bottles and i've ripped through a lot of bottles and they're very very good this is uh my favorite is the cave hill this is their og the original that's the original bourbon release the four grains and this mash are delicious it is so good man i really like this i also love the boxer grail um and they're high gold the derringer's finished and sherry cass like i said you're gonna love it and the best part about this stuff to me is a lot of these places talk about um you know toasted barrels and all that stuff everyone is charred and toasted and uh it's a low entry and it's never chill filtered just as it should be it tastes delicious go get you a bottle of rabbit hole right now go to rabbit hole distillery.com drizzly get it delivered um and use that promo code rabbit for five dollars off your first order once again it's rabbit hole distillery.com drizzly promo code is rabbit for five dollars our first order get yourself some uh rabbit hole drink responsibly what up whiskey ginger fans welcome back to the show is your first time joining the show welcome to the show man we got a good one for you today like man steve harvey don't say it's nick swartzen nikki swardy he's uh telling jokes from his face he's on tour right now and i'm done with my tour as of tomorrow tomorrow denver colorado i'm taping my special two shows seven to 9 30 at the paramount theater denver i'm so happy to be shooting my special in your city i love colorado so much it's a second home to me denver come out and see me andrewsantino.com come see me take my special tomorrow night andrew santino dot com enough rambling from me let's go to the episode in here we pour whisper whisk whisk oh that creature [Music] ladies and gentlemen welcome back to wisconsin i guess today is one of my favorite people on earth i say that for all i guess but i mean once again today it is nick schwarzer what where is he where is he oh he's right there uh let me just start off by saying i don't get political i don't talk politics not typically no that's not what i'm about but i finally am at a breaking point where i want to endorse that's dude honestly go uh go vikings way to go way to go people good job beating the packers dude yeah man it was very you're very proud of yourself aren't you i'm very proud of myself and it was perfect timing because um i just started my first leg of the tour so i want to give a shout out to grand rapids detroit indianapolis and pittsburgh phenomenal phenomenal uh thank you for coming to shows but i got i watched the game just as my show started so the steelers had just won in overtime and then the vikings had just won so i went on stage with so much energy that i felt like the crowd was kind of like oh you feel like it was just like i it was just a [ __ ] like nah so i'm sure they were like oh he just stayed and a size an eight ball the size of a pumpkin before he came on stage but no i was just so fired up because it's such a big win well she just start the season congrats uh also you know my bears uh won in week one which is huge for me no i was the um the bears lions and vikings all won i know that's crazy look at us who are we what are we doing let's just end the season by the way this episode will come out next week after this this upcoming week's um game that we both uh end up losing and are sad about but for right now yeah right now we're totally happy i mean it's gonna happen what did you play in grand rapids uh glc live is that what it is yeah i played 20 monroe tourney monroe yeah that's really good live yeah yeah it was great i like that because it's like in the basement of a hotel yeah it's like it's it's like a huge theater in a [ __ ] hotel yeah it was really nice and the green room is nice too the green room's great and then the next is the bob oh yeah the bob so if you don't know what the bob is which you probably don't unless you live there it's a complex that's like you know when they build bars and they just make it into like a fort it's not even like a bar it's just eight levels and there's like 40 bars in it so cool in the midwest that's just danger will robinson well that's who we really are i just got back from chicago that you just you remember how much people can drink in the midwest it's like it's [ __ ] mind-blowing going home and it's totally normal to have a couple of beers you know in the morning-ish right and then yeah and then have the beer in your cereal frosted flakes and then have like 13 beers at lunch or dinner and just drink through the night until you go till you go to bed i mean it's like that's the that is a very normal way to live and drink in the midwest yeah that's what's really funny because when at the peak of my drinking i remember people be like they look at me like horrified they're like how can how can you just keep drinking like that i'm like i'm from minnesota and then most of the time be like oh like then it would just completely lose everything right do you think you think midwest drinks more than florida you think florida drinks more than that i think midwest drinks more than anybody really i would put because you know florida goes nuts go in the comments on this i would put minnesota wisconsin begrudgingly yeah um chicago illinois yeah michigan i'll throw in iowa i'm not going to leave you guys out i would say but i would say pound for pound i mean it's [ __ ] insane yeah it's absurd it's absurd who who thinks they make the list but they don't make the list at all um like st louis st louis i would be i would be scared of them to drink with them really yeah i would say narnia the people of narnia yeah they're wild creatures they kind of talk a lot but they're one of them they can't handle it have you had one of those moments where someone's like i want to drink i can drink you under the table yeah totally and you ruined it i'm like the [ __ ] chicken raiders of the lost ark she's in that like tundra cabin she's just sitting there that's me [ __ ] just crushing my labia no one's even come close huh okay i'm gonna say this for sure ufc fighters in my experience which is a lot i've drank with them and it's not enjoyable because they get to a point where then they kind of want to start doing moves so yeah so this happened several times this is one story um a friend of mine is ufc fighter i'm not going to say who it is and i was in hawaii and i was doing shows and i was [ __ ] on it i was just going out partying and i wait came a week early drinking and then i'm like hey let's drink and he goes no i'm not drinking right now and his girlfriend's like yeah he's not and i go come on man like being a [ __ ] so he's like no and so every night me and my buddies would get drunk and he wouldn't every night and i would have barbecues whatever last night we go out for sushi and we're doing sake bombs i'm like bro i mean it's my last night and he looks at me and he goes okay you want me to drink and i'm like yeah and he goes okay but let me just tell you this right now you wanted this and i'm like ooh it's like so dumb like a child yeah like a [ __ ] child and he's like okay so boom boom boom we just start getting after it and he starts getting like like the [ __ ] hulk like a hulk seabreeze uh hulk just sea breezes and then he all of a sudden starts doing moves where i'm like out and everyone's like hey stop and he's like what and he just goes into like lights out yeah and he he [ __ ] chokes out my friend at dave and buster's choked him out my butt fell on the ground starts foaming and we're all like and then my buddy wakes up like like 28 days later but it was like 28 seconds later and he's like what and we're like oh my god now we're just scared yeah and now it's like not enjoyable and then he put a [ __ ] beer on my head and did a jump kick and kicked it off clean which yeah which i wasn't enjoying no because i was like well i mean i could die yeah so a long story short it was just the next day no ufc fighter ever the next day i call him and he just goes don't even say anything and i go no but he goes nope what did i [ __ ] say yeah because i get like [ __ ] crazy i'm like yeah yeah you did the last time that i was at a dnb was dave and busters when our last time i was at dave and busters was new york after snl had like the after after party and i had friends on the show and i went and visited because i wanted to see drake and drake rented out times square dave and busters for the after after party and i was spend hundreds of dollars [Laughter] it's free skee-ball all night long that's insane and i went in there playing games and stuff and [ __ ] around and of course in the middle of all this like fun two chicks clearly who are there for the same celebrity like you can tell it's like crowded around this person not gonna say who and i it is not drake by the way another but it was so chaos bobby lee it was bobby lay they were all there for bobby and these two women started [ __ ] going at it and it was like hair was getting ripped off and they were beating the [ __ ] it was so fun to watch a girl fight because i hadn't seen a girl fight since we were in like high school i saw like two girls they're so [ __ ] cool because it's endless with guys when guys fight you're like oh my god you were like pretty quick yeah you're like that guy's crazy latch onto the hair and then it's like they come around and then it's just both hair i love to watch the hair the hair struggle and the flying fingernails and [ __ ] yeah i love girl fights i watched that documentary about that uh the that perfect the female boxer like one of the greatest female boxers on untold on netflix and it was a you know like how she was touted as like the best tyson thought she was like the greatest female boxer of all time and her life story behind i don't want to give it away is insane but to watch her throw punches it's it's wild how in your mind brennan chops yeah oh my god yeah that's amazing she was really killer her wow no it was incredible to watch her throw because it was even tyson was like that's the hardest i've ever seen someone throw as a woman and i also watch the mic doc the mic show which i don't want to see that it's good but that reminds me when andy kaufman used to wrestle women oh yeah dude that was so amazing if you don't know that if you don't know who andy kaufman is just look him up yeah and he's a comedy icon and just a complete anomaly as a performer and he's like if daniel day lewis was a comedian like in terms of like burying himself in something oh yeah he worked but it was like a role he said what he did was he never knew if he was real or not what he was doing and he was doing stunts and he had an alternate persona and there's a movie man on the moon that jim carrey played him yeah but um he wrestled women like in a ring he would physically wrestle he went on letterman and let him promote it promoted and he had a woman on and physically wrestled women to the ground like and hard it was this was not this was not a joke no no no no no no no no no no no no no no this was not actually i don't know what it was it wasn't wild but the only thing that kind of busted was what's his name was lol or jerry lawler jerry lawler that was a a little bit of a bit they admitted later right i think so yeah so jerry lawler is a big wrestler at the time right called andy out it was like why don't you fight men and then they just that you can youtube that we won't spoil it no we won't spoil it but also but the women one uh he did he got sued by a bunch of different women like it was wild he actually like i mean he did if you get in the ring i mean you're good he was promoted but he didn't just go up to women on the street and [ __ ] at david buster's jump off the [ __ ] papa shot published started snapping he was he was incredible but i think if you tried to do anything like that today performance art at that level you would not you'd never get away with it it's just not different with anything now no it's just a different time back then i mean my favorite was what was the story recently where like a woman flipped out because um schwarzenegger farted on her no is that real do you hear about that no i think it was real but again i don't even know what's real anymore yeah this woman i'm pretty sure and she said that he deliberately farted into her face when he was either standing next to her walking by her and that's if that's real that's where we're at farting is so i mean but i mean that was the story yeah that she was she was like i don't know what how it was going to escalate with her but i mean suing for farting on you i i yeah i don't know when you're on a when you're on like is that assault oh [ __ ] yeah oh that's just the kind of material you'll hear on nicksworth.net for tour tickets when you're in an elevator if you have to fart will you do it so my buddy just told me about a thing that he loves to do where he works on office building and he will go and will hold a fart until the elevator because he just loves to have people walk into it you know what i mean it's just like walking into like a force field where it's like and he just loves it and he just laughs and he'll be like yeah the guy just got off dick [ __ ] rick well you got to be from hr you can really do is pretend like they walked on with it so you're standing there and when they walk on go oh my god oh my god look like write it oh my god what do you what one of those like really bro that's where that fits in really well really bro doesn't matter who it is no chicks are bros dude i will almost always fart when i'm in a congested space on the train in new york farted on it i love it so much and i like it i just i like that because i like the eyes i like it hard i like that's how they know that's something i like people reading a book and when they when they they do that thing for a second and they look around because they're like jesus christ i love i love the darting eyes yeah you know so i mean i used to love doing that at bars and uh this is back when i used to eat dairy i don't eat dairy anymore but um i would get i would just have gnarly farts and my friend pat deluca is one of my close friends and i would just i would let them mist out it was almost like where it would just where you would see it like on the floor where like miss would yeah and like a movie whatever slowly filling with fun and i would just wait because pat had a really keen sense of smell which is great if you have friends i have certain friends that their smell is so strong so pat would be like he'd be like yeah so yeah the game starts in oh fine [ __ ] come on man and i tears down my eyes like and he would always know it was me but i just or i would start laughing everybody knows that move where i would start like a tear would start going and i'd be like and then and pat would be like no no no [ __ ] you man you get so mad and it's like when you know it's coming it's the best it's just it's a weapon the anticipation it really is a weapon a little secret sneaky weapon to let out let other people slowly get it yeah i like when people pretend like they don't smell it that's my favorite when they go i don't i don't smell it or if you say somebody farted then people act like they smell it i'll be like oh who did that and somebody like oh come on man but nobody did so that's another [ __ ] mind [ __ ] i just talked about farland fardon's farting on harlan williams podcast for oh you did an hour yesterday well let's move off of farce yeah i just i can't let that identify me women it does diarrhea and farts is kind of your brand yeah i know it's funny part of your [ __ ] it's part of my [ __ ] [ __ ] we'll be right back [Music] uh um yeah so when was last time he had a drink by the way i had one drink um over the last like two and a half months wow but i'm gonna like drink again i just it's great being busy yeah with um movies and stuff and touring but so i just don't wanna i just have a lot to do and i wanna i don't wanna like clean it around yeah i mean there's so much travel and the shows i'm so excited about and the next stop is texas so to be dallas san antonio and then back to the midwest then chicago iowa madison what are you doing chicago theater yeah my favorite beautiful yeah i love it it's so pretty man that's such a beautiful theater and it's for me it's classic it means something for me as a kid we would go you'd go there for like shows like that's you like amer what is it joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat i went there as a kid oh i was gay when i was a kid right i grew out of it right but you had huh yeah i want to see joe coy in the technicolor dreamcoat joe coy and tactical yeah the amazing jokoy that's the only thing joe joe [ __ ] work on that man come on joe boy the technicolor dreamcoat um but yeah the shows have been great and the good thing is is now that i'm older like my fans it's not as chaotic because i don't know because i had a drinking fan base i still do which is fine yeah but like my shows would get so rowdy that i would i went on social media on one of my tours and i was like hey um if you come to the show like try to maintain a little bit you know i mean like i'm not slipknot you know what i mean where it's like [ __ ] just chaos and i only say that um shout out to slipknot because i did a show in indianapolis at the egyptian room and i was there the night after slipknot and the people were like oh thank god and i go what do you mean and they were like um yeah we just had slipknot we've just been cleaning up the floor because there was like blood and vomit and they're like we're just relaxing to have a comedian and i'm like wait for wait for it yes night's not over there was more blood common vomit than nick schwartzen show than anything for some shows i wouldn't be surprised one of my favorite stories i would tell all the time in orlando is uh i show up and it was a performance arts center so i walk in i'm in the backstage and i look and they have these big signs for the lion king and phantom of the opera and i look around and i'm like and i go hey um is this normally like a music venue or you know musicals and stuff and the guy's like yeah yeah it's a performance art center and i'm like okay do you guys have like security and he was like no and i'm like okay he goes we've got ushers and i'm like you know let's do like old people they volunteered to be ushers that for music the median age is like 84 for sure exactly so i was like oh no and then of course show comes people rowdy i just stopped the show so it was fist fight girl fight love in the balcony and we stopped the show and then i was like oh my god so the show's great i love florida get off stage and the guy comes back and he's like yeah yeah man you weren't you weren't wrong and i'm like yeah i know is it bad and he's like well people are sleeping in the bathroom they're cleaning up the vomit in the bathroom and there's vomit in the aisles there was some vomit and then we had to get the fight and we had to call police or i think and i was like uh yeah i told i told you but i just picture these poor ushers these ladies popping up vomit that's not simba like they're just trying to like figure out what's going on they've survived world wars you know nick swartz's comedy show comes in hot god bless though dude that's what you bring [ __ ] the [ __ ] heat but you know i'm like come to the show get drunk but like i'm i was the same way where i'm mad at myself because i missed so many shows where i got so [ __ ] up i don't remember it yeah and they were great shows i know what i mean like i'm talking bobby lee live oh goodness um no but like i was just people would come up to me and be like oh dude i saw you in san antonio loved it i don't remember any of it yeah but i remember laughing and i'm like so you know do whatever you want but keep in mind i'm bummed out for shows i've missed me too i feel the same way i feel like it it's sad knowing that there were shows that i was there but i wasn't there but you're like oh i don't remember much of that show yeah when i was three years old i saw led zeppelin oh really so much peyote you just blacked out don't even [ __ ] i [ __ ] suck how do you how do you break through an hour then if everyone is yelling what do you do then like if you're they don't that people are really cool like once i get on there they're they're really awesome because it's tricky with because i have a lot of stories you really have to pay attention yeah because there's key details to the stories and stuff but people are really really good i mean i don't i don't remember the last time i was doing clubs full time as a club comic i did caroline's on broadway which i love is one of my home clubs in new york and the crowd was it's probably the rowdiest crowd i've ever it was a late show saturday and that was when i'm like i got to do theaters just to kind of break because this is too much yeah and granted i was like mid-20s but it was so you know so everybody was young my fan base and me and it was it was chaos i mean new yorkers know it was jersey new york yeah so it was just loud talking you're not even realizing right like hey tina got me the [ __ ] drinking arena i'm just like you guys like i don't know but it was the whole crowd though sold out crowd was everybody was just loud and just like it was [ __ ] wreck that's what we're talking about you know what i mean i'm like you guys i'm up here in here we pour whispers hey are you looking to design a website but you don't know what to do squarespace is the place i've talked about squarespace so many times on this show i'm a huge fan of squarespace what they do is they they give you a template so you can create amazing sites whether you're selling something whether you're showcasing your work whether you're promoting something squarespace is the place to do an all-in-one site um it's pretty incredible i've used it over the years i really enjoy them uh what i 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dollars a month but the car is only 20 grand uh-huh it's disgusting if room is entirely done online check out vroom if you're looking to buy or sell your car um so next time uh you need to buy a car just grab your phone go to room.com and check out thousands of great cars that's room.comroom.com ginger i like tinders yeah i talk i can't break it up anymore like i used to it's hard like i used to be able to like bounce with the crowd but now it's tough for me if someone's being super distracting i can't i can't use it as much as i used to because i'm trying to do this hour so when i'm in the my mindset i get kind of [ __ ] up when people start getting like over the top and all that [ __ ] and they start yelling and you want them to be involved but you're also like dude don't [ __ ] take the show over and do the whole thing because then it's about you and all this [ __ ] and the other people are like oh man [ __ ] well that's the thing like for me i can just deal with it yeah if it gets to a boiling point i mean i've rarely thrown people out i mean usually i can just be like dude what do you do you know what are you doing yeah but i feel bad for the people around them and that's the only thing about getting like that wasted where i've had people being like great show but the people next to me were just so just screaming and blah blah blah and that's when it sounds like you don't want to be that i only threw out one guy in san diego he threw a shoe at me a sandal oh my god yeah i threw a sandal and said here because i made fun of sandals who would have bottle openers on the bottom you know right yeah and he had one and he just threw it right at me and i was like oh dude now you have to leave yeah well that's i mean that's assault he's like i'm just kidding dude no [ __ ] i'm just [ __ ] around san diego [ __ ] bro i'm just kidding dude what's up with you man why are being [ __ ] dick about it weird and then you were like the sandal burned along before that's just the kind of material you'll see on tour next words in dublin what are you doing 35 cities 40 cities i don't know i don't know i don't know they're probably like 35 what's the most you've ever done on tour i'm gonna look right now and how many next words and what's the biggest show i ever did was twenty five thousand and that wasn't me that was me will ferrell no i mean how many cities twenty twenty five thousand people though were you playing me will ferrell zach galfinakis and dimitri martin where was that at that was at ohio state at the arena three four five six that was insane i mean i don't know if i'd want to consistently do that but eight nine ten yeah he's busy but yeah you're doing 20 city 20 some odd cities 22. yeah but some of them are multiple shows yeah that's right because i'm doing some clubs like tacoma yeah you're doing if you're in the seattle area tacoma's my only play because the more theater was booked and i love the tacoma comedy club so i'm there and then portland helium yeah and then cobbs in san francisco i love drugs clubs i love yeah no there's clubs that i'll always do 25 000 feels so much it's overwhelming dude it was just surreal it was cool though but it would be like you know i would just tell a joke and i'd be like diarrhea and it'd be like it was like a slow roar yeah so the slow build of diarrhea i did one with rogan the biggest one i think we did was like i don't know well he does yeah twelve thousand nine to twelve thousand was kind of the those were tough though when we played chicago we played uh the united center with the bulls play yeah that's insane it was nuts but dude up in the top you can see like the top row like the top um concourse that's lit up you know for like you know for beer and concessions right you could see even then even the middle of the show thousands of people just walking around to get beer it's like a baseball game it's a yeah it's a sporting event yeah literally it's the craziest [ __ ] i know it's i mean some venues have bars in them like that but also some feeders have bars in the back yeah and my agent will be like do you want me to kill the bar during your show and i'm like part of me is like you know i want people to have fun and listen but i was like i'm not going to [ __ ] do that you know what i mean no no i can't do that guy i wouldn't want that i'd be like what out of a panic attack yeah what if i showed up and we might be like the but it's not oh it's you know we're leaving get in the car let's go i had a friend of mine come to my show in key west shout out to key west and my friend came and he's such a drunk and he came to the show i set him up and he was like mad because he said the tickets got [ __ ] up but then my friend was like oh no he couldn't get a drink right away so he just left and i called him out i'm like dude why don't you just get a buzz and then you know wait and he was like no the tickets were and it was a mess and i was like no he just but anyway like but the pre-game you want to get there yeah yeah pre-gaming is important for them but when they get there they need to have the regulator you gotta have a cocktail you have to it regulates the previous yeah i'm not gonna judge jesus do you pregame judge dredd are you nacho dread not yet judge nicky look at little judge nicki and his gavel um do you have people i have people pregame my shows they do tailgate i saw i was actually like behind uh where were we i was behind a venue like out back for a second making a phone call i see people out by where the parking lot was and him and his girlfriend i thought it was like so cute it was like him and his girlfriend had like just a little little little flask you know and they're both ripping it and handing it back to each other and they're both smoking and sharing a cigarette at the same time it was like i so badly wanted to be like hey i love you guys because they're they're coming to see the show but they want to get in a little bit of sauce before they get in there because drinks are always expensive as [ __ ] yeah but it was cute to watch them rip it together and they fit then he's like you finish it she's like you finish it and i badly want to be like both of you finish it both you finish it you walked up like i'll finish it and then just i drill the [ __ ] butts and be like welcome now i spun him like a basketball i put my finger on his ass and i just like plates yeah i was doing that yeah i was on america's got talent i've had people i've had people get too [ __ ] up at the show multiple times though denver denver denver denver's a big town for a partying the last time uh like tomorrow night tomorrow night i'm shooting my special in denver come out inside oh wow holy [ __ ] and then uh but the last time or two times ago i was there a dude was i've had two two times people have gotten taken out because of edibles like they've taken too many edibles right and they need to leave one of them a woman passed out fell she fell on the stairs right you know denver has he's like it's like stadium seating inside the club you know yeah so when she was coming all the way down and she fell and then i had to stop the show and she was okay but i was like what's wrong with that girl and her friend's like just edibles too many edibles why would you like a drink yeah well i mean why would you take an edible before show yeah but dude not they take they don't they don't they take [ __ ] anything i love it dude i love it so much and then a dude in the front row the last time i was at comedy works was off his head on mushrooms and i was trying to have a conversation with her because i could tell because he was like really animated like like he'd laugh he'd be like he was like super animated yep it was awesome mushroom like i was like are you good dude and and at some point his buddies like he's on he's on a the shrooms man and i was like are you on mushrooms too he's like i'm on much less and i was like oh okay so you're the babysitter yeah you took half he's one of the [ __ ] again why no but honestly though that's their they weren't disruptive i just had to say something yeah no i mean [ __ ] animating i just said somebody that like i've done mushrooms i don't want to go to a comedy show [ __ ] go to anywhere like where it's crowded he looked like uh like the the the alien escaping a body and men in black like it's coming out of the [ __ ] bodies you're like like schluffing your skin off no he [ __ ] that i would never the busiest place i've ever done mushrooms is that like a festival or a music uh show oh that's it that's not that bad because at least you're outside you can walk around and walk away and an indoor thing is panic to me i inside with mushrooms is not my [ __ ] but if i'm outdoors and i can kind of move away from people no big deal for some reason when i'm inside and i'm really high on mushrooms that's when i start to get to like we should get we should go we should take a walk or something yeah that would be hard my friend's grandma took mushrooms at the holocaust did she really yeah during it yeah yeah she survived and she was like yeah it was a bad idea that's the only way you got the wrong that's a great movie the only reason she survived is because she was on an eighth of shrooms [Laughter] i know that's probably gonna get you how did you celebrate 911 by the way speaking of atrocities i was on stage in pittsburgh i always fly i was on an airplane um i flew online really i've flown in 9 11. i i almost fly 911 every year for some reason i feel like every year it's a thing that i do is to celebrate you know it's just to be like look what we did we can get away with it now of course i got random screened the day that i flew i never get random screened and i got random screened and of course they found my they found my explosive and they took it out and i was like i wasn't going to detonate it i just wanted to right it's it's like you're xanax just knowing you have it just knowing i need i right yeah that's fine i mean i remember i had a bit about in my stand up but on the things that you can't bring on the plane when you go through security and i remember they had a bomb on the sign and i did a bit about because it was like like the bowling ball old timer with the wicked wig coming out of it that was on the sign i'm not gonna do the bit but it was just like i don't know why you know it's like why do you have to like [ __ ] know [ __ ] you know what i mean like a guy's gonna pull it out of his bag and it's in it and it's like a cartoon it's already burning down he's like oh throws yeah i did the thing where it was holding it behind his back you could hear it like yeah i mean again that's just like the level the kind of stuff that you're gonna see and here at nick's work what's so funny about mushroom laughing because it's such a specific thing um about that because when i took mushrooms i've taken this a handful of times but no pun intended a handful of times you can take it that's the kind of stuff you're going to see no don't do um anyway i took like five grams my buddy's brother went to colorado it's always about colorado and i think they legalized mushrooms they did yeah they do criminalize it they decriminalized it oh of course colorado yeah because then and you know it's just funny like now i'm picturing people like working at a funeral home like hey we're looking for a casket for my mother and then being like what color what color i don't [ __ ] know man mikey's painting one right now this is a huge bro do you like um bees or birds i've painted a lot of birds and bees on this one hey this one we already used we're recycling it you know what i mean you got her mushroom laughing is panicked laughing it is really such panic laughing and this um this happened to me i'd taken five grams that's a that's a pretty good amount that's a [ __ ] lot that's a pretty good amount of mushrooms and i was in high school and me and my friends were like we're gonna go to a movie so we took him and we left i'll keep this story short but we went went to go to the movie and i forgot my wallet i was like [ __ ] it i gotta go back and i started peek as i came back and i was like oh no and i slipped into my mom's apartment and i go and i get my wallet and i just hear nicholas and i'm like and i go and she's sitting there and she's like what are you doing and i'm like um i forgot my wallet i gotta go and she's like well hold on and then i'm not joking she had like these neon snowflakes on her face and i start mushroom laughing and i go and she goes what's so funny and i go um my buddy sam uh told me a joke she goes oh what is it and i go i have no idea and then she looked at me like i was crazy person then i just left immediately she never knew no my buddy tyler's mom was like she came home right as we were peeking we ate him in his basement we were gonna go to our friend mike's house and we're chilling down there and i thought and i was like should we smoke should we smoke to kick this into full gear he's like let's just get in the car and we'll get stoned on the way to mike's house and so we're going to this dude's house all right i mean we're out we're on our way up through the house to the student's house and the moment my foot like hits the stair to walk upstairs right ty ty ty i was like the wave was like i mean honestly dude and i turned to him and i was like dude i'm like it's happening hard right now like it hit me it hit me harder than it's ever hit me and he's like you'll be cool dude you'll be cool you'll be cool just go upstairs slow and i was like fine and then as soon as i get upstairs his mom's like hey babe and you have to walk to the kitchen to get to their garage and i just looked over at her and i go the trash smells she was like what oh my god i'll take it out she's like what and i grabbed the trash there was like three things in it you know what i mean it was like a piece of paper towel and a new and i take it i was like this is gross i gotta go i took it outside [Applause] and we jumped right in the car immediately i mean honestly she never said anything about it but my first instinct my brain was like what's a way to get out of the kitchen without having to have a conversation with her and i was like trash is battle take out the trash because we would help with [ __ ] around the house my favorite thing is if you weren't holding anything the trash smells and she's like um right in here we pour whisper whiskey i gotta tell you something guys as we get older you know it gets a little bit softer yet harder harder to last longer [ __ ] this i don't know what that is i'm sorry dude i don't know what that i don't even know what i'm trying to say hey fellas listen there's no shame in pe whatsoever and i'm not talking about gym class if you're having a tough time lasting longer in bed if you're shooting quick at the hip if you're pulling the trigger too fast 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first order that's getroman.com whiskey ginger i like tinters have you done acid i've tried everything but here's the [ __ ] thing people think i keep hearing rumors that i'm like a cokehead somebody just told me that that people think you do a lot of cover my friend yeah and then somebody was on a said they heard a podcast and someone's like next to big co-cut i'm not i do jokes about it i've done it but like i'm not at all like i've done it but that's the [ __ ] worst i talk about on stage but it's just so i'm just clearing it up like i i'm not at all it's just weird for me to hear that i've never known you to be a cokehead yeah that's why i was like shocked who's two people said it yeah yeah i'm a drinker i mean obviously i said talk about that yeah but i say i've done coke and then this is like one time i did coke and i was uh in los angeles and my brother and some friends came visit me from minnesota and we got um cocaine from a strip club and 20 years ago what do you mean there was a guy working in the strict club you got coke my friend knew a stripper and he's like some coke or whatever strippers always have yeah shocker yeah it's spoiler alert turns out strippers might have coke yeah so we're doing blow in this hotel my brother's hotel room and i don't care if i throw him out of the bus so we're doing coke it's six in the morning and i have a panic attack because i can't sleep like i want to go to sleep that's why i don't like cocaine yeah it's because i just wanna drinking like you just pass out you know what i mean yep or you drink until you do sleep if you're still awake you're like oh yeah or you'll just sleep walk and then you know you wake up in a dumpster you hit your head and you say welcome to or maybe you're in the amazon who knows fun fun travel you can't sleep six so you can't sleep and then so i panicked and i called my mom and boo bop and i'm like hey um it's nick and i identified myself and she goes hey why are you why are you up so early and i go and i realize it's like oh my god just call my mom high on cocaine and i go oh um i'm going to the gym and she's like oh oh that's good and i'm like yeah anyway my brother's doing coke on the coffee table and i go anyway here's john and he's like he doesn't know what i'm doing he goes who is it and i go it's mom and he goes [ __ ] what the [ __ ] and i'm like and he's like hey mom yeah now what's going on yeah now uh yeah the gym yeah we're thinking we're gonna hit the gym okay we'll call you later and he was like hangs on the phone he's like what the [ __ ] are you doing and i was like i don't know man i'm like sad panicked i just didn't know what to do i love that mom is the person that you call her like freaking out my [ __ ] mom good lord if she won't know she didn't call her she does coke imagine your mom on the other side is also up doing coke chicken nick what are you doing what's going on that would be amazing two people covering up that they're doing coke yeah i'm gonna gym too yeah we're also going your father and i are going to the gym as well hold on one second we're going down on gym what for coke i mean for coca-cola wait what's going on that's actually one of my favorite things to see is people coming out of the bathroom after they've done coke but play it off that they did do coke yeah that's something because you want to just hold them grab their hand and go buddy it's fine nobody cares but they're they they're like them to eat your hand then but they're like they always have to have a comment if there's a line and they come out from doing coke they have some kind of comment they're like they better should be out of toilet paper soon and you're like this guy you know you don't need to connect with me dude it's cool you can just go do coke and go back to the bar well what's going on with climate change what time is the movie tonight and they just walk away like a [ __ ] whack-a-doo barney's barney's there's coke at barney's for sure your old stomping grounds that's a rumor [Laughter] that's true yeah but it is funny what's the same thing i always um like if my friends would go come out of the bathroom i would always tell them like just say you guys were having gay sex instead of doing code yeah no one's gonna say my buddy's gonna do it just be like yeah because then people be like all right yeah they won't judge no one's going to question people hooking up in a bathroom no they'll be like oh they're not going to they're not going to want my mouth yeah what's all that whites that's calm one time in denver a guy was a guy everybody thought was doing coke in denver same thing another bar in denver there's a jaundice and they're banging on the [ __ ] stall door they're like come on dude get out get out then they push it open he's not doing coke he's sleeping like hugging the toilet oh okay and i had to let him i was like leave him alone let him stay i was like close the door and let him stay there the poor bastard [ __ ] yeah i've been there [ __ ] yeah i've been there toilet naps i've done that where i'm like i'll sit on the toilet i'll be like okay i'm gonna sleep for like a minute and i'll just take like a toilet nap close my eyes yeah that's not i'm just resting my eyes rest on the toilet yeah i'm resting my eyes on the toilet seat how many times how many times do you think you puked at a bar no i've never done that never puked out not really no man i have for sure [ __ ] one time this is one of the grossest things i've done i went to um an after party for saturn live at dave and buster's with drake um i went to the taping went to an after party and then there was an after after party yeah and i'm only saying dropping the snl thing just because it was like a really exclusive party so i'm with my brother and some friends and the host was i mean there was a lot of celebrities there it was a really nice fun party and stuff and i'm trapped in a booth and i'm sitting there and there's people around me and i have to urinate violently i've been drinking non-stop i have to pee really bad but there's just everybody was talking it was crowded there was no way to leave so i just there's all these empty glasses on the on the on the table so i just start taking them urinated urinated and i filled up like four glasses and then i look over and there's a bouncer security guard and i just go and i look over i make eye contact with him and he just goes i knew exactly what i was doing but didn't throw me out he was just like and then i was like hey and then people were like oh because they saw like that now they're like shot well yeah it was like full things but i was like no no no no don't don't drink that because all of a sudden there's just full glasses of something so and everybody's [ __ ] up it's an after after yeah they're they might take it yeah sorry to be i've never pissed at the bar my buddy in london brian brydon shout out to brian brian brian brian braden was so annihilated and he was it was a high bar he's one of these like really nice fancy high bars and he's leaning at the bar like this he's leaning on it and he's like and he's like ready to pass out and i'm like brian we got to go and tell my friend tyler i was like we should dude we should get the [ __ ] out of here he's gone and he's like shut up shut up and i'm trying to pull on his arm and he's he and he then he gets like he like snaps out he goes don't don't and you get serious i was like why and he goes look down and i look down his [ __ ] is out and he's pissing all underneath the bar he just wanted to finish by the way also huge horse on this guy i mean a massive [ __ ] that's why i was like oh he would be in public because if he gets kicked out he wants his [ __ ] to be i'll be like my bad and walk through the bar right with his [ __ ] dick out because the bouncer's not gonna tuck your dick back in they're not no they're gonna make you pull you out with it though oh yeah come here yeah you want it come on brian and it's that bouncers bobby have you ever seen somebody hook up at your show have you ever seen people have you ever known people to hook up at your show i feel like your crowd might [ __ ] pick up don't hook up hook up hook up during your show what do you hook up someone's [ __ ] or doing something different during the show yeah no i don't i mean i thought i know of i bet you it's happened with yours we probably will there's no doubt well it's what i always love when they show that in like stadiums when like up in the raft yeah the a's game [ __ ] yeah yeah that couple she was sitting on his lap and he was i was like that leave those people alone that's great that happened to me in an uber pool this guy this couple's hooked up i was i was like you guys i'm right ha you were jealous though um let me join i'm [ __ ] so jealous have you been playing what am i shows had people propose no yeah like uh threesomes and [ __ ] like that have you had that yes for sure have you done it i've never done it it's something that's always intrigued me but i'm too guarded and weird to do it but like you you've said before it's very nice of them i think it's sweet to be asked for by a couple i've had a couple couples ask me a couple couples and it's really how many so a couple couples at one time no a couple couples have asked me over the over the course of the time and i've been to those orgies i've been to right i just stood there and i ate chips i just went to an origin i stood there and i ate little chips they had a snack bar yeah all orgies have a snack bar really the veggie tray had no more ranch which is a little [ __ ] annoying and a little you know i would think it would have been more ranch that's just the kind of comedy you'll see when nick swordsman's on tour um no i've never had anybody [ __ ] at my shows never no i just for some reason i mean i'm sure they have a crowd seems like it'd be weird well someone would give somebody head in the rafter and up in the [ __ ] yeah i mean if they're up in the the rafties so i'm saying this right now if if you're going to nick show on the rest of the tour i want someone to suck or [ __ ] someone at this please do please please please just make it just be discreet about it don't be obnoxious don't please do please please and send me the footage at hey i [ __ ] uh at nick's show at gmail.com um wait i was gonna say one of my friends told me a story about leaving a bar um so we were talking about penis pulling yeah this isn't like that but my friend was [ __ ] hammered with another friend of mine doug stanhope who's such a love dog great comic uh notorious drinker and yeah so my friend was drinking with him and they were at some dive bar like out in like the desert or something and my friend was getting kind of out of control i think he got into it with one of the regulars and the bouncer comes over and he goes hey man you got to get the [ __ ] out of here my buddy's like really uh why don't you go [ __ ] yourself and the bouncer goes my friend told me that the monster goes okay um do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way and my friend just goes and he told me this just because i was like [ __ ] it he just goes hard way and then tackled face down and just dragged out by him and another bouncer just super ugly like smashed his nose but it is funny and then afterwards he was like didn't regret he's kind of he's a tough guy but it was just funny that he he was like i just wanted to see what the hard way was i just wanted to see just to feel like dude if you're in the desert bar the hard way could be the hardest way yeah it could be a [ __ ] fire hose into your dick full of like ants or something i don't know that is the kind of that is kind of the desert thing fire hose ants yeah i remember that yeah i know that's kind of their vibe oh you want the hard way here's a box of tarantulas we have to stuff them up your [ __ ] one by one yep have you ever been thrown out of a bar like that like aggressively thrown out no no i'm pretty docile when i drink i don't get i'm not one of those people that gets like angry or just like weird like if i'm really drunk i know to go home yeah i don't like have you been tossed no no i've never been i've never been thrown out of a bar i've been like asked to leave if i'm with a group of rowdy [ __ ] right that's happened to me yes many yeah that's happening actually one time my little sister was out here and um my parents were out here i don't even know what we were celebrating like something you know i don't know maybe it was like the premiere of a show i did or something and they're out here and we're at a local bar that's not west hollywood anymore shut down and uh this guy apparently grabbed my sister's butt and she told me after the fact i didn't know and she's like yeah this [ __ ] i can tell she was upset she's like this [ __ ] guy and at the time i had known the whole bar because i'd gone there all the time and i known the managers and all the bartenders and the bouncer that night happened to be like the one bouncer you want there who's like not only just huge but also will [ __ ] [ __ ] up like is you know that there's bouncers that like are ready to [ __ ] [ __ ] up right yeah they're waiting they're like yeah and be like legitimately inappropriate you know what i mean i go over and i say something to him i go this guy is grabbing girls asses and my sisters and he goes show me the way and i literally show him to the guy and i go hey man you're [ __ ] out of here and he starts to kind of like he's like [ __ ] who the [ __ ] are you he's getting to my face and all this [ __ ] and the bouncer's like waiting for like a fight to start he it was actually clever he sat back because he was like waiting for the guy to get aggressive because then he could get a grenade then he could justify it it was awesome and he like he was great he was like wait like it was like david attenborough like as the bouncer waits beneath the crowd like he was like hidden on the wall like waiting there really like really slyly and the guy's like get the [ __ ] out of my [ __ ] face and then he pushes me and then it's almost like the moment his hand touched my chest oh my god and the bouncer i've never seen this before he grabbed him with two hands by the throat and i'm not kidding oh pick this man up like like he was but it looked like he was a doll he picked him up and he drug him and his feet were like dragging that's amazing it was like them and honestly it was the cause i looked cool because then i turned and my sister was just like thank you and the dude's texting me was like that was amazing came out of nowhere i was like it was all very coordinated but it looked super smooth it was perfect that's awesome by his throat i've never seen that i mean literally yeah that's like that's fun to watch yeah it's nice it's like and here we have a douchebag in the wild yeah he's now flexing somebody's in his territory and he's and watch here as the bouncer dismembers the douchebag within seconds by his neck by his neck the guy that grabs the girl's butt at the bar man that guy that guy deserves to be drugged out by his neck what are you doing yeah what are you doing yeah to just physically be inappropriate with somebody is but the guy that guy is a guy that exists at every bar forever for since the beginning of time yeah like like since the beginning of time there was a guy a caveman who's like and they grabbed some girl's ass yeah it's not what they did they like i mean not what they did but like they said like caveman just like club people like club women and like drag carry them out like my friends i would always they would never get like that but i mean there was times where i would have to i would always tell my friends i'm like dude you got to maintain when we go out you know what i mean like it's a marathon yeah it's a marathon and also when you're with somebody who's like you know a public figure people know who i am yeah you know what i mean like you can't you're an extension like don't be a [ __ ] [ __ ] right it's just you know just maintain have you had one of those moments where someone did something that you thought would come back at you because publicly it was you were like [ __ ] dude i look really bad i've had friends be [ __ ] like raging [ __ ] and then you now come back to me and i'm like nope want nothing to do with that person don't know them then they're like well we're gonna i'm like go for do whatever you want get them out of here like i've prefaced them before we've gone out like hey just keep it you know you can tell too when people you know it's like there was a meme that i loved i've reposted it many times and um it's from toy story and it's woody and it the caption is when you see your friend do that last shot before they black out and then it's woody and he's just looking he just goes so long partner and it's like everybody's been there um when we when i post this on instagram tag your tag your friend who's the so long partner friend i'll tag my friends and they [ __ ] know you know who they are it is funny when you see the lat we went to new orleans for my buddy oh god we go to new orleans and this guy that we were with in the group had like as kids a family and he's not been away like he hasn't had a night out and you can tell and the poor [ __ ] oh no dude he ruined the whole he ruined his whole trip the first night we go out and everyone's partying and uh there's a famous uh there's a famous uh liquor drink in chicago called malort do you know about the course and a lot of people don't know milord milord is famously [ __ ] like a joke shot for people from chicago to give to somebody and the bartender had a chicago like something hat on something that had [ __ ] whether it was i think it was the white sox or something and one of the guys like oh santino's from chicago i was like good [ __ ] he's like you want some alert and i started laughing and i was like no no thanks and the guy that's in our group is like i'll do it and i was like don't you don't need to do it he's like i'll do it i'll do it right now i was like please don't do it he doesn't want the [ __ ] shot he was already [ __ ] wasted holding on to the bar right and i have video of this sure enough gives him a short shot of a lord and i was like he's like we all got to take it i was like we will that's fine and he rips it we all do it and he does that face that you know where his body's trying to figure it like it's it's like doing a really intense math equation where it's like [ __ ] how do we keep this down how can we keep this down without him throwing up at the bar and how much time do we have i mean he literally was going it was like it was his body was like the internal machine was just cracking down and he did that last one of those things where it was just the air bubble yeah and all i did was try to turn his head down i was like yup and i just turned his head down but wasn't enough time just all over the [ __ ] bar yeah cause that's probably projectile oh yeah yeah yeah that comes out with a fork that kind of yeah but also the bartender was so [ __ ] cool that he goes he's got to go man and i go i know and he's like you guys are fine but he i'm sorry he's got a you guys got to send him home so he let us stay we put him in an uber back to the [ __ ] house but i was like this guy in new orleans must see this [ __ ] i mean it's got can't be oh my god the ones bonkers i mean i love that city um so really quick when i was in key west i did i was at the bar and i'm like oh and i just walk outside throw up into the street just walk back in you know what i mean it wasn't a whole scene i just walk up blank and then walk back nobody knows [ __ ] maintain but um yeah it's the puke thing when i was in new orleans one of the most drunk i was really i was 19. and i had a fake id and i was shooting a commercial there and me and my friend ross and carrie kinney from reno 9-1-1 the first time i ever met her it was 1998 for barks roopier and we went out and we drank so much and i was drinking jameson rocks and i was just drinking like water like after a while like certain obviously as a drinker you know it just goes down like water yeah jameson rocks i mean it was just like boom boom and i was so [ __ ] up that i was like kind of scared like i was wasted and i just started throwing up we're walking to another bar and i just throw up into my hands and then i just throw it off and my buddy goes why don't you just throw up why are you doing it into your hands and i'm like oh i just i don't want to throw up on the street so i thought it would be rude [Music] i was 19 i was young in a new city so i just threw up and then it was dumb but you think after all the drinking that you've done over the years is is everything still okay on your insides now yeah like shockingly you're back to square one well that's what i tell people is because people will honestly you know and i don't want to keep talking about i mean i did almost die i've almost died a couple times before yeah yeah but i've always maintained a really good diet for the most part that's what i cut dairy out 12 years ago dairy's really hard on your liver so that was something somebody turned on to me information that was invaluable because i would always get sick football sunday i would have pizza and get wasted and i would wake up monday sick and then a friend of mine was like yeah because when you drink with dairy your liver is working 10 times harder not maybe not 10 4 time whatever working way harder to process the dairy so the alcohol stays in your system anyway so i cut out dairy and then i just i take a lot of vitamins i take a lot of a lot of stuff to just maintain you know even like milk thistle or anything to just keep your liver what is milk thistle it's a it's a it's a it's like an herb and yeah and you just it tastes like [ __ ] but you just put it in something to kill the taste you have what's the secret one what's your like secret sauce herb that you take you take like a ton of vitamins every day i take here's what i take in the morning i take no i take collagen collagen powder it's put in water you barely taste it two cups of with two cups of lukewarm water a day a cup of collagen water i take it uh matcha tea hot glass of matcha tea moringa powder which is incredible what is that i'll text it to you just look it up it's just this basically it's been around for centuries and it's just really good for your body like i think like mayans used it ancient greece rome used i mean it's been around i take that i'll take apple cider vinegar i'll do like a super greens just any kind of like they're like gummies i have like that and then i'll take and then i'll eat breakfast and like eggs and vegetables and then i'll take like zinc and stuff like that no meat either you don't eat meat either i eat meat yeah okay but you just cut out just dairy i cut out dairy carbs and sugar jesus as much as i can how the [ __ ] do you not have sugar it's really hard but i mean you can [ __ ] we live in a [ __ ] world now first of all i'm not willy wonka i don't own a chocolate factory so it's not that [ __ ] hard there's no like [ __ ] dark chocolate waterfall you don't have dessert when you go out to have dessert or dinner you don't know i do but see this is my thing is yeah [ __ ] sorbet or some [ __ ] no sugar sorbet is all sugar but it is is it yeah it's just so here's what i do is i started walking that's how i lost weight is i don't take elevators i take stairs everywhere and i walk as much as i conceivably can and i'll do push-ups and stuff so you don't need all this [ __ ] you don't need a peloton and a [ __ ] robot this episode brought to you by peloton i know sorry politician they're really cool but no you're saying minimal stuff get gets it done yeah i'm safe you can't afford a peloton walk take stairs you know what i mean so you know that's what i do for exercise anyway my point being is that i earn my dessert so uh essentially like if i am active enough during the day if i go out to dinner i'll be like okay i'll get a dessert you know what i mean but no sugar no i mean sometimes you have to i mean i'll cheat you know [ __ ] yeah i don't care i mean you don't live forever spoiler alert that's just the kind of knowledge i dropped by tour nickswartson.net but yeah and it was funny so i was on a cruise ship and i'll be on the train the band train i'm doing that crucial i'm performing on that when is that i'm really excited that's february 17 to 21. how do you know those guys they were fans okay singer was a fan pat he's awesome he's like come on the bow with us dude yeah that's what we're going to do they're doing this boat thing now oh dude with 311. that one i saw i saw you do that i did that with doug benson yeah benson did it that's right yeah and that's a side story jesus christ love love311 that band i mean that's cruz was so fun that's the most drugs i've ever seen people do ever they're sober right yeah they weren't partying but i'm saying like no but it's funny to me that like they're after all those years they're associated with like party like they're all sober that's what i've heard yeah i mean i didn't see them going so anyway that's a separate story yeah yeah yeah so on this other cruise ship and it's 14 levels on the ship and i'm walking up and down the stairs and my friends are all taking an elevator and i'm walking up the stairs i'm like all right bye and they're like really the stairs i go i want to have dessert tonight there's an elderly lady probably 80 years old taking the stairs with me sold out of the railing and she looks at me it was amazing so beautiful and she turns to my friends she goes you've got to earn your dessert and i was like exactly and then i [ __ ] just [ __ ] you push her down the stairs dude like mortal kombat i just was like and she [ __ ] went back and landed on her feet and she was like you earned your dessert cruise ships no thank you no but but my point being is that you know she she got it mother [ __ ] that old [ __ ] got sadie yeah she's dead now for sure there's no doubt oh she died at sea yeah i just went right down her cheek i can't i can't do boats at sea for days at a time it scares the [ __ ] like that i have people that have phobias like that i have people i know people that are i'm a half person i don't i don't uh no no no it's crazy yeah i have friends that i got to do a thing with bill burr about it because he's always shits on cruise ships so i did a nick schwarzenegger friend show mm-hmm and he went out and he's like yeah [ __ ] cruise ships this man and uh i went after him and i'm like [ __ ] you bill you're [ __ ] wrong and then i did my pro cruise ship thing and you know we talked about it but yeah i know people that hate them like hate them i just feel like women and people that are afraid of them you're out you're out there you're out there you're just you're out there like you're right you're just so like i was on a boat for a week in italy but we docked at a [ __ ] port or we were in a marina area well you always there's always a port you guys you sleep every night in a port well not every night but that's what i'm saying there's nights where you're just out at sea right right but it's like maybe one day yeah but i don't want to be out in the middle of the ocean at night in case some [ __ ] jump off the boat nobody wants you on the [ __ ] thing anyway i can't do them i'll never step foot on a cruise ship i prom i i just i cannot well what if you're drinking the whole time then then i'll start thinking about it even more i'll be like no you won't [ __ ] know that he disarms all that [ __ ] it really does he gets rid of it i'll probably jump off the boat when i drink i don't mind being grown for boats i just something about all those humans too gives me the creepy preacher yeah you get a nice cabin you can [ __ ] do any cruise ships all right i'll come with you on the cruise idiot come with me on a cruise ship you'll have fun let's do it it's so fun honestly why don't we do a comedian cruise tour that would be [ __ ] good that's why um i i don't know why they haven't done that like why comic hasn't done that like i kind of want to do because i toured with sandler and spade i have before and adam's going on tour again by the way for people out there um he's going on tour but um yeah like a whole comedy cruise would be so fun well then let's set it up this will be the first time i get on a cruise ship is with you because you can who would go on a comedy cruise let's say it's you and me bobby theo theo maybe would do it maybe who kreisher would do it in a [ __ ] heart wouldn't even even twice tom might do it actually um that would be all you would need it's four or five comics i mean if you had five or six because you have to sell out the whole like because they rent the whole boat for you guys right yeah it's you have the whole ship like how many people were on the 311 boat 40 40 000. forty thousand million forty billion no um i don't know it's a couple thousand but it was so fun yeah 311's great and then they had other bands i mean stick figure was on there i mean it was how big is the room that they perform in is there like a huge ballroom or do they perform they perform at each cabin everyone gets their own show so but they tell you when they're coming into your room or no no usually they just you wake up and there's nick hexham yep down down that's when they put you to bed yep that's like whenever you sleep it's a night song you guys i'm trying to take a shower can you get the [ __ ] out of my room 311 does exactly whoa diarrhea is the color of your energy that's what they saying to me oh it's nice they walk to me in the bathroom but no it's really fun but the 311 cruise was the most drugs i've ever seen people are just losing their money after it did they check you when you get on the boat for like like because people can't bring your own liquor and all that stuff do they check their bags and all that [ __ ] how do they sneak on i wonder how that well you got on the boat did they not check any of your [ __ ] i don't have any drugs no your bag did not look to your bag at all or do security go through a thing but i mean i don't know yeah metal detector probably at most i mean i you know i think a lot of it was you know i mean i shouldn't spoiler alert people do drugs whatever but um i remember when i did the train cruise the first time i was at the hotel the night before and i met this couple it was it was a granddaughter and her grandmother and they were going on the train cruise and the grandmother was like 60. you know she wasn't like super old uh the daughter was like 22 granddaughter and um uh the grandma's like she goes hey i love your comedy and am i cool and she goes do you wanna do you wanna drink and i go yeah i got a cocktail right here and she had a bottle of shampoo and she goes do you wanna drink of this and i go no i don't drink shampoo um it's weird you would think and then she was like no no it's not shampoo um it's fireball and she had emptied like eight shampoo bottles and fill them with fireball good for her so she could like get them on yeah and i'm like how thoroughly did you rinse that she was like foaming at the mouth and i'm like no i'm kidding it's your two in one [Laughter] i'm congestioning my teeth um so but no she was drinking it i'm like no i'm good like i don't still i still don't want it shout out to grandma for [ __ ] being being and then so clever we sit at the bar drink drink drink drink drink and then the hour or two goes by and then somebody goes hey um to the girl she goes your grandma uh fell down in the parking lot and she was like oh okay she's just leaves there's no emergency it's like that's nana [ __ ] and i got shampoo drunk all right so you know what i'm gonna go on the train tour i'm announcing it right now i'm skipping out whatever i was going to do in fact it doesn't matter i'm coming yes i can i'm going to buy tickets right now and i'm going to go you should look at it it's really fun man i i maybe i will we should look into doing a cruise thing and maybe that would convince me uh as long as we live if anybody's out there and they're listening on how to do that i mean i could probably figure it out but leave in the comments when we post this would people go on a cruise tour yeah it's me and santino you get to pick three other comics pick them down below name them down below pick what yeah name in the comments a cruise ship me santino three [ __ ] comics now i'm kind of excited to do this believable you know what i mean you can't say like sam kennison or something yeah carlin fine we'll get him charlie chaplin all right leave it down below and in the meantime when you're clicking around the internet please go to nickswartson.net and buy some tickets to go see my little prince live uh he's got probably 15 more cities left or 13 more cities he's one of the funniest peoples to ever grace this earth tomorrow night come see me denver please come see your boy tate my special see is special again one of the funniest people tomorrow tomorrow come out denver colorado um we end the show the same way look in that camera and you say one word or one phrase that's gonna end the episode for the rest of time when you're ready squeeze in here we pour whisper whisk whisk [Music] oh hell no [Music] i like gingers

Channel: Andrew Santino

Views: 355,881

Keywords: andrew santino, whiskey ginger, podcast guest, podcast, comedy, comedian, stand up, h3, 2b1c, sports, entertainment, pop culture, commentary, jokes, interviews, andrew santino podcast, nick swardson, nick swardson podcast, nick swardson stand up

Id: Ok2ZKUtTL80

Length: 73min 39sec (4419 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 23 2022