(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) And finally, New Rule for 2024, America has to go back
on its meds. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You know, over the holidays,
I saw a lot of people, and I asked them all
the same two questions. One,
"Have you seen Woody Harrelson? -He's my ride."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And... (CHUCKLES) ...two,
"If I said, 'Let's make 2024
the year of blank,' what would you say?'" I was surprised.
They all said the same thing. Sanity. Let's make this
the year of sanity. -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-Everybody thinks
we've gone bonkers. And a lot of it is
because the far ends on both Left and Right
have gotten way too much attention.
Which begs the question, "How do you suck
all the oxygen out of the room, and still not get any
to your brain?" -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-BILL MAHER: I... (CHUCKLING) I feel like
it wasn't that long ago when you could watch
cable news for a day, and not get the impression that this whole place
was totally batshit. That simply was not America. -Florida, yes, but not America.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) So, let's examine
what makes sane people feel this way. Sane people who are, after all,
still the vast majority, and who are the ones,
who I assume, just voted me
the most trusted man in America. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-That is a real headline. Thank you.
Just call me Billy Cronkite. Anyway, what does strike
a sane person as crazy? I don't know.
If you're gonna ask me, I would start with the fact
that I still occasionally see someone driving alone
with a mask on. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(CHUCKLES) Who-- Who do they think
they're gonna get it from, the lady in the next car
putting on her makeup? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS) Or maybe I would say, it's the continuing
debt ceiling debate. Every time,
a Democrat is president, the Republicans threaten
to tank the world economy by forcing us to take a vote
on whether to pay back the money we already spent.
No other country does this. It's like eating
at a restaurant, and then taking a vote
on whether to dine and dash. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-And... and whoever the Republicans
make Speaker of the House, if he doesn't vote for dash, which he really can't do
in the job they just gave him, they try to get rid of him. Congress isn't
a deliberative body anymore. It's a rave without a permit
in a burning paint warehouse. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Insane. But... probably the first thing on my, and most people's list
of insanity is that this guy
is gonna be president again. -(AUDIENCE GROANING)
-It feels surreal that we're in court every day
trying to prove Trump wanted to overturn the election, while he's on the campaign trail
every day telling everyone
they should have -overturned the election.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It also strikes normal people
as insane that Trump fans
are perfectly okay with the fact
that he was recently asked if he wanted to be a dictator,
and he did not say no. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Neither did his lawyer say no
when a judge asked him, "Could a president
who was not impeached order SEAL Team Six
to assassinate a political rival?" The lawyer's answer was,
"A qualified yes." Okay,
these are not brain teasers. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Neither should
it have been difficult when presidents
of elite colleges were asked if it's okay to call
for the genocide of Jews, and they couldn't just say,
"Fuck no." Can't anybody just say,
"Fuck no" anymore? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Does... Does anybody even know
who to root for anymore? A store manager at Lululemon
tried to stop some shoplifters last year,
and the CEO fired her. Fired the person
trying to stop robbers from robbing his store.
That's crazy. But this is crazy too. If you rob a store,
you can fully expect to be shot -as you are leaving that store.
-(CROWD CHEERING) -(ANDREW SULLIVAN LAUGHING)
-Shot! (ALL LAUGHING) Really? We can't come to some sort
of middle ground on this? -(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) On any issue? Socially liberal,
but not stupid woke. Fiscally sane, but not cruel.
Is this really that hard? Trans people should be respected
and protected, but no penises
in women's prisons maybe? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Legalize pot,
but maybe stop giving drugs to hard drug addicts? Nikki Haley says,
"America's never been racist," and social justice warriors say
there's been no progress -since<i> Amos 'n' Andy</i> ?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) A terrorist organization
in the Middle East that treats women like slaves
invaded Israel last October, and shot hundreds
of young people at a music festival
in the desert. And now, America's streets
are full of parades in support of the shooters, led by the exact kind of people
who would be at a music festival in the desert. That's the literal standard
for involuntary commitment, when you're a danger
to yourself. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-I mean... The NRA are bad,
but after a school shooting, they don't march
against schools. (AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS) -Thank you, one guy.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) The... (CHUCKLES) ...the Far Left's
new crush is the Houthis. Up until a week ago,
everyone on TikTok thought a Houthi was what you get
when someone hits your elbow. -Ow!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) BILL: You just gave me a Houthi! Damn. And the Houthi slogan is, "God is great,
death to the U.S., death to Israel, curse the Jews,
and victory for Islam." -"Like, comment, and subscribe."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) So, naturally,
when the college kids heard that slogan, they said, "Please stop, you had me
at death to the U.S." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Insane. Insane that we're cheering
for the terrorists now. It's also insane to think
that this, oh, -would ever come out well.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -Right?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING) And it's also insane to feel
that it's important to try and prove
that Taylor Swift is gay. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Which apparently
is what the supposedly most esteemed newspaper
in America feels is very important to do. That-- That-- That's so insane,
I don't even get it. If Taylor Swift is gay, what, this is somehow
a better country? -(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-The-- (GRUNTS) I-- The Far Left now insists
men can have babies if they just concentrate hard
and don't listen to the haters. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Does that make us
a better country? No, and neither does
persecuting a pregnant woman who wants to get
an abortion for a fetus doctors say will not survive. Could everyone
just stop being nutty, completely nutty,
for five fucking minutes? (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) The battle for the soul
of this country isn't Right or Left,
it's normal versus crazy.
