NARCISSISM: FIVE THINGS you DON'T do when dealing with a NARCISSIST. #narcissism #narcissist

what don't you do when you're dealing with a narcissist that's the topic of today's video this is a followup to a video I made last week on how to spot a narcissist and the signs you'll see when you're dealing with a narcissist and that video got more views more comments more dialogue than any other video I've ever made on this channel and a few of you actually reached out to continue the dialogue ask a couple questions one person said hey Amy you should turn this into a series and I thought about that I realized that's exactly what I want to do so part one already appeared how to spot a narcissist what signs you'll notice this is part two what not to do when you're dealing with a narcissist and number three which I'll publish in a few days what you can do and should do if you're dealing with a narcissist so let's Dive Right In I'm going to share five things that from my experience and the research I've done you don't do when you're dealing with a narcissist number one don't call a narcissist a narcissist that's not going to go over well you are not dealing with a normal reasonable person who wants to improve themselves they're curious about how they can get better and grow and development they are wanting to be a finished product they like to think of themselves as as perfect they like to think themselves as highly evolved they like to think of themselves as sort of better than others and they've got it all figured out so you saying hey you're a narcissist or you're behaving narcissistically is like nails on a chalkboard to them it really dis regulates them and their egos and so what they do typically is they get very defensive or they even go on the offensive and start to attack you you know I'm not a narcissist you've got a real Pro how dare you say that to me you're I can't believe that you would have the audacity to call me that I mean you're not looking at all the things you do to upset me and so doing that rarely works one thing that I've found can work better is to talk about the behavior hey you know Mom when you do this I end up feeling this way or hey when you said that the other day I really struggled with that and here's why and if you can remind them of goals that they have like hey I know you want us to have a good relationship or I know you want us to be closer and get along but this thing that you've done actually is taking us farther away from that does that make sense here's what I'd like to see us do instead that may not work either because again the narcissist likes to be perfect and does not want to hear about things they can do to improve but you probably have a better chance of them improving their behavior if you go from that angle versus outright calling them a narcissis that again rarely Works number two don't fail to set boundaries and if you do set boundaries don't break them and fail to enforce them the narcissist if you show up Loosey Goosey and you don't have set desires and goals for how you want the relationship to look they're going to take advantage of that narcissists usually are self-centered self-absorbed they kind of like to dominate things they like to have control over you and situations and so they've got their own ideas their own agendas over how they want the relationship to look so that they can be okay cuz that's what they think is things have to be a certain way other people need to show up and treat me a certain way for me to be all right so if you don't show up with boundaries they're going to steamroll right through anything that you hope for and you want and they're going to be trying to get their way so set boundaries be clear about hey here's how much time I can spend with you here's what I want the relationship to look like here's how much I can call you interact with you engage with you here's how much money I can devote towards this relationship here's kind of the Norms or the expectations I have of what our dealings should look like and once you've done that you have to stick to it if you say to a narcissist hey I really just can't keep hanging out on Sundays I'm I'm cleaning my house I spend time with my family that day I'm not able to just come and meet you or take you somewhere every Sunday that really kind of disrupts my schedule but the narcissist negotiates with you and Bargains with you and then gets you to do it anyway even when you said you didn't want to you are in trouble because the narcissist then will realize what your weak spots are and they will play those and so if you show up as weak or they can see an opportunity in your armor they're going to go ahead and take advantage of that they're not there for your best interest they're just kind of thinking of themselves so you saying hey I said I can't do that and I've got to stick to that that was my word and I made a commitment and a promise and I meant it um that's going to make it harder for the narcissist to kind of work you over and manipulate you so set boundaries be very clear about what you feel you truly can do and then hold to it and that's going to be hard because the narcissist often will try to break those things down and talk you out of your own feelings but you've got to trust yourself and say no I said this I meant it and I'm going to stand by it number three don't take a narcissist Behavior personally for a lot of us we are humble we're self-aware we're emotionally intelligent we're compassionate and so if we have an issue with someone or conflict with someone it's normal for the average person to say oh my gosh I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way maybe I can do something better perhaps this is in part my fault gosh I really like this must be me you know if we're having a conflict there must be some portion of that that is you know because of myself in the case of a narcissist it's often not that way usually the narcissist's behavior has nothing to do with you it has everything to do with them it's very personal to them and if you look and watch The Narcissist interact with other people whether it's a server at a restaurant or employees at a store colleagues family members friends you'll actually start knowing noticing a lot of the same patterns of behavior show up again and again and again so you saying you know my gosh this must be because of me that rarely does any good it's rarely true it doesn't usually serve you recognize that the narcissist is carrying out learned behaviors and patterns that they've been operating with some cases for years or their whole life don't take on their stuff along with these lines and this brings me to number four don't apologize for a narcissist behavior and don't apologize for things that you know are not your fault narciss nists are great about playing the victim they do an excellent job of guilt tripping other people throwing themselves pity potties oh wo is me this is so hard for me I'm in this situation it's it's worse for me than you and they get you in a position where again if there's any sort of conflict you're almost apologizing for them like oh my gosh I'm I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way and that I did that or I made you feel that way they they like to make things other people's faults and so when you take that on and apologize for them that does not force them to take accountability it doesn't force them to take responsibility it means that there's no consequences to their behaviors as soon as you apologize and take on the fault they don't have to and that just perpetuates the cycle and allows them to keep doing it I'll give you a quick example in the last video I mentioned that I have a family member who I've been historically close to throughout my life but I have since come to realize this person is most likely a narcissist we had a really tough phone call in August uh I was calm I was cool I was collected but I said something that bothered her and she lost it had a complete meltdown something that looked similar to a childlike temper tantrum screaming yelling crying name calling and at some point I said I have to get off the phone we're already past the time that I said I had for this anyway that wasn't respected it was just you know blew right through that and kept going eventually I ended up having to hang up and at some point in that call during when all this was going on the person said you ruin every call and you make me feel so bad and so afterwards the person and tried to act like this never even happened and I have basically said number one I'm not going to apologize for that call because I know I didn't do anything wrong but number two I'm not able to talk with you on the phone live again until you read a couple of emails that I said about what that experience was like for me and ultimately I'm sort of looking for an apology later this individual had said to me well maybe I shouldn't have said you ruin every call just that you ruined that call and I thought we're getting closer but it's kind of not quite enough because I know I didn't ruin that call and I am not going to let you guilt trip me into saying that I did you are going to have to wait for a phone call as long as it takes until you can recognize and look at your behavior and say you know what I really was the one that drove that call into the ground all on my own and so you apologizing for things that you know you didn't do just lets the narcissist off the hook it lets their behavior continue and so you're really making things worse for them not better the final thing I would say is don't respond to threats or attacks when narcissists arketing their way and you're starting to kind of pull away from the status quo or the lifeline lifelong way of being and how it's been the narcissists will start to threaten things they'll either threaten to expose you or share a secret of yours or make you look bad or kind of blame something on you or they'll often take away a benefit you know like hey I've been paying for your college tuition or I've been doing this or you know I've been picking you up at blah blah blah I'm not going to do that anymore very if you can find a way to wean yourself off off of The Narcissist make it so you don't need anything from them and if they're just threatening to slander your reputation make a decision that they can do what they want and I'm going to Stand My Ground and know that those things aren't true the one exception would probably be if the narcissist is threatening violence uh you feel like you're worried for your safety I would consult with law enforcement or get a professional to help you with that but idle threats around emotional things you've got to choose to uh ignore those because if you give into that then the narcissist will always play you work you over and hang those things over your head so that they can continue to emotionally abuse you so those are the five things as I understand it that can be helpful don't do again just to recap don't call a narcissist a narcissist don't uh fail to set boundaries and not enforce them uh don't take things personally don't apologize for the narcissist behavior and don't respond to threats hope this was helpful hope everyone's making a great day and I'll see you for the next installment of the series very soon

Channel: Coach Amy Chambers

Views: 3,134

Keywords:

Id: bpGYUMTWP5w

Length: 9min 58sec (598 seconds)

Published: Tue May 07 2024