My Boyfriend Doesn't Think I'm Worth Marrying

foreign Elizabeth is with us in Dallas hi Elizabeth welcome to the Ramsey Show hello how are you great what's up hi so I have a question I've been with my partner and boyfriend for seven years and we have two small children together and I've recently brought up the fact that we should get married and actually have one bank account and do everything together and he says that he doesn't want to do that but marriage is not why he doesn't want to do marriage he says because he's already previously been married and he's just not he's just not going to do it why does he think he's not married now I'm not sure he's got all the he's got everything he had to do with marriage right now so now my next question he gets sick he gets sick he wants you to make him chicken soup right yes yeah what's the difference in this in marriage I'm confused well either accept him or so Elizabeth I want you to hear what he's actually telling you he's telling you he went all in on somebody once and got hurt or broke up with or whatever and he's looking at you after seven years and two children and saying you're not worth that I'd rather um have my illusion of singleness in my back pocket at all times so that I can preserve my little fragile ego meanwhile Playhouse and play house with you and you be my wife and I'll keep all the equity and everything and I'll keep all my money and I'll basically pay you like a live-in nanny um but this is all mine that's what he's telling you I hate that for you I'm sorry I hate that for you how old are your babies um one is four and the first one little boy little girl what um it's a one-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl so at this point I'm at the point that I don't know what to do I don't know if 20 years from now your daughter is 24 and she asks you this question what do you tell her I don't know [Music] I'm not gonna I'm not going to be the person that tells you you got to stay or leave because I don't want I don't want you to hang on to this guy said this that's something that's a decision you're gonna have to own what I will tell you is I think you are worth going all in on and I think you're worth having a home that two people want to do life together and create a safe space to raise these two beautiful little babies you're worth that but you're gonna have to make the grown-up decision on whether you stay and you try to build a life inside of a cocoon or you make other decisions in two weeks in two weeks I'll be go ahead I'm sorry go ahead babe what um I'm mostly more afraid of like if I walk away how would I manage with money I haven't worked in a while so that's I'm gonna be truthful that's exactly what's stopping me now from walking away and that's a very real fear I mean that's a very real fear the the data suggests that when men and women split up especially in this situation his net worth will actually go up and yours will go down for a season until you get so pissed off that you become a multi-millionaire later but yeah um but yeah the uh uh so in other words you can't do this today it's Theory because you got babies you have to feed but you can say all right I'm gonna plan my Escape and I'm gonna get my career tooled up and I'm gonna go get a job and I'm gonna start making some serious money and then I get to make decisions from strength rather than from weakness to walk to something not run from something and then you can walk in and go uh not sure dude that I want to marry you so there's that and that's what we call an Elizabeth burn right when you flip the whole thing around mic drop yeah but that comes from strength and your yours your um when you're scared and broke it keeps you from making decisions so let's move from scared and broke and then remake the decision you might make the decision under strength to stay but you would need to make it from strength rather than from weakness is that logical yes so if it takes you a year to start making forty thousand dollars a year then take that year and go do it that's fine I got no plan got no problem and you're in Dallas he ain't going nowhere yeah and you're in Dallas man there will be people that will hire you in about 20 seconds I don't want my kids in daycare then marry their mother hey Elizabeth it's not uncommon in this situation especially after this long that this isn't the only thing that this person won't quote unquote do this person's been telling you that your things you think are funny or stupid and the feelings are concerns you have about any number of things are dumb you can't fill in the blank and after seven years after almost a decade of this you've come to believe that stuff to be true right I have my doubts yeah I don't I don't either because the girl that called here has got more stuff inside of her than she sounds like she does or thinks she does now go get it get you some thank you yeah really I mean don't forget two old guys believe in you yeah and and uh and you got a four-year-old daughter watching to see how mama is a Warrior Princess look out here comes Xena you remember that one yeah but don't make that little weird noise call thing keep that one to yourself Elizabeth don't let that only be in your head yeah don't don't do that I'm gonna go with 32 years of broadcasting and experience and go with my gut on something here I want to continue that conversation um from that last caller yeah the uh Because the actual data is and those of you that are old like me you don't realize this data but more people now live together than are married okay statistic I mean actual human beings are more more shacking up cohabitating whatever you want to call it then are married and what people don't grasp is the data it's been going on that's been going on since the you know the The Love Shack of the 70s and from then on you know here we go and uh so what people don't realize is the um unintended consequences legally financially uh relationally that builds up in these situations there's books of research on this now on the actual results and in the financial Arena as an example we'll start with that one the there is a thing called the marriage advantage you've seen this data and the marriage Advantage says uh that married people live longer I think that's because your wife drives you crazy to go get a physical but I don't know exactly what it is but married people live longer and their net worth is significant their net worth is significantly larger and their incomes and their career trajectory is significantly higher statistically so that's not like a Dave opinion show you little farts on Tic Tac can just go run off the cliff all right but the the it with your little comments but the facts are the data says that your net worth your longevity and your uh uh uh career track and income all are improved with marriage it's called the the research piece the buckets of research are called the marriage advantage in general there's a whole volume also if you live together prior to getting married you are statistically four times more likely to get a divorce later I hadn't heard it being that high wow that's wild you know and so you get and there's all kinds of other things that come in with the cohabitating Pro or I'm going to try on these shoes to make sure they fit before we buy them you know kind of a thing right and so um there's all kinds of data that shows the disadvantages to that there's all kinds of data that shows the disadvantages to short engagements you get you know you meet someone this weekend and by next weekend you're married statistically you're very unlikely for that marriage to last as compared to someone who has a six-month engagement period average not a two year or a six year but a six-month engagement period average after the dating process has begun because it takes a little while to figure out is this a person I want to spend the rest of my life with duh met him at a bar on Saturday married on Monday that's Las Vegas that's not smart okay and so um just uh can it can it work does it work occasionally sure sure there's always statistical anomalies but I'm talking about if you're if you're 16 or you have a 16 year old what would you tell them the best way for them to have their most prosperous quality life is have four or five Long Island Iced Teas put all your money on red and find somebody to marry before the weekend's over right no one would say that I would say that right no grandmother ever told her her granddaughter that right good grief no yeah just saddle up at the daiquiri bar and see how this works if you marry ultimate the daiquiri bar I'm just gonna go ahead and say that study's probably not been done that ain't gonna last Ain't Gonna Last that's a John deloney study yes all right but here's the other I don't know that this study's been done and I don't know that it needs to be that last caller said something that's important in this it's this illusion of freedom and singleness I'm gonna live with somebody for two years five years seven years I'm gonna have kids with them but I'm not gonna get married because I want to keep that Shard right at the door one foot out the door and what you forget is he or she can't fully anchor into you those kids can't fully anchor into this unit um because it's not fully a unit yet because you got one foot out of the boat you only Row in one one armed right you know it's so hard it's impossible and it's put her in a position almost as if she was in a domestic violence situation she's not I don't think but um but but she's trapped and that's the the abuser uses the trapped oh you how you gonna live you ain't gain money you know and so they're trapped so they stay in the punching bag scenario because that's the only way the kids get to eat but also guess what the kids get to watch this and so they think that's how it's done and this is a problem yeah it's a serious problem so just telling you I mean what would you tell your seven-year-old daughter right your your 17 year old daughter your 17 year old son what is a man look like in these situations well you know a a reasonable length of Engagement um not living together prior to marriage and then getting married you have the oh by the way if you graduate from college you know you heard this thing 50 of the marriages fail you heard that one yeah it's absolutely not true that's right absolutely not true they don't okay if you make more than fifty thousand dollars a year household income both of you graduate from college and both of your parents are still married you have a 90 chance of your marriage lasting that's the stats that's the real stats okay so this then some of these are you can't control whether your parents are still together but you can control graduating from school you can control accomplishing goals you can control delaying pleasure called maturity you can control these things these are controllables that you can use to set the table for your life and then you get to see what the results are what the what the fruit is out of that and so you know so you know none of my children prior to marriage live together none of them it was it because Dad's a big old meaning no it's because autonomous stuff Tom you have a distinct advantage if you will have a reasonable length of Engagement graduate from school make a reasonable income marry someone that is of the same religious preference that you are uh learn to set boundaries with extended family if you do all of these things it's agree on kids how many to have and whether let them live all these kinds of things right and that was a joke and um sort of you know the the um but I mean when you have these things lined up ahead of time your probability of having a a marriage that lasts is very high I mean Sharon I'm getting ready to celebrate 41 years and there have been times we almost killed each other but you fell back on that Covenant well and we fell back on this value system that set us up to win I mean it's just ridiculous I always like to flip the coin and ask myself what is it what has happened in this many years and for people to opt out and I I do want to put some of the ownership on those of us who are married with kids if you make marriage appear to be miserable and you scream and you fight and you it's abusive and somebody's always leaving or coming or going what kid in their right mind would look and go I want to opt into that and so I feel an an extra responsibility to model for my kids here's what love looks like here's what coming back together after disagreement uh here's what the repairs they call it here's that looks like here's what's saying I'm sorry looks like here's what's asking for forgiveness looks like I want to model this is the best way to to create a world going forward and if you didn't have that and you're entering into marriage you need to get some people in your life that you see do have 40 years 50 years ahead of you and they can give you some wisdom along the way but there's something about man this doesn't have to be the old ball and chain as the old songs go this could be the greatest thing that ever happened to you if you opt into it and you live into it that way well and all the data that I'm just saying indicates that right is it perfect no no that hillbilly woman I about killed each other a couple times oh man you know I'm just saying it's not perfect I've almost set fire to my marriage yeah multiple but that but that doesn't mean that we weren't dialed in and going what do I want when I'm old really old I'm old now but I mean really what what do I want then that's real you know that's real older than me that's really up this is the Ramsay show

Channel: The Ramsey Show - Highlights

Views: 165,784

Keywords: the dave ramsey show, budget money debt cash, real estate, insurance, how to make money, dave ramsey, save, credit card, compound interest, buying house, buy, snowball, My Boyfriend Doesn't Think I'm Worth Marrying

Id: T-OmqHr1Z4I

Length: 15min 50sec (950 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 16 2023