I was part of an elite unit. Codename: Infinity War. We worked for ActivistSun, the world's largest private military company. It was supposed to be a standard mission. Get in. Get out. Get paid. But ActivistSun has other plans. (flashback sounds - Ghost's unit calling for air support) (flashback sounds - ActivistSun ordering the pilots to fire on Ghost's team) (Ghost's team being killed) Now my men are dead...and I'm all that's left. Hiding in the shadows. Biding my time. Waiting for payback.... Nothing more than a ghost.... (news station music) A United Nation spokesperson declared ActivistSun a terrorist organization. This leaked footage confirms ActivistSun's relationship with Vladmir Makarov. Yesterday's enemies are today's allies. ActivistSun is proud to announce our aquisition of Outer Heaven. BROTHER!!! Comrade! With ActivistSun by our side, we will create the most powerful weapon known to man.... MODERN GEAR! Muhwhuhahahahaahahah! LIQUID!!! Sir, you can't smoke in here. (groan) Liquid and Makarov are creating a new weapon. Modern Gear? Snake...you're the only one that can stop them. Stop what? I wasn't-! Stop them from finishing the Modern Gear. I'll do my breast. Err, best! Snake...the world needs a hero...now more than ever. I'm no hero. Never was. Never will be. I'm just an old killer repeatedly risking his life to save the world and to secure a future for humanity. Uh, that's what a hero is, Snake. Yeah, pretty much. Oh yeah........right! (Intercom - Be advised. Possible hostile oscar mike.) Roger command. Fireteam Delta securing Sector 5. Sector 5 is secure.... Hey, stay frosty. Contact in Sector 5! No no no no! Oy. Cover me...I'm going in. Hallo sunshine. Aww crap. Commander? What do we do now? Awww crap. Steady.... It's ghost! Light him up! Wait wait! No no no no! Got you, you bastard. Wait a second...something doesn't feel- Right. Nice try Ghost, but when it comes to CQC, I have the upper hand. Take it easy, we can work this out. OOF! Ughhh, what's all this? Yes Boss. Oh, hello Makarov. No, I think he is alone. Yes, it's Ghost. Yes, right way. I must go. Find out if there are any more survivors. And then? Kill him. What did he mean, "boss?" I thought Makarov was in charge. Makarov, Liquid...We are all just pawns. The who's holding the pieces? Who killed my mates? You have no idea who is behind all this, do you? You're going to die anyway, I guess there's no harm in telling you who our real boss is. If you really want to know...our bosses name...is... No! No! Wait! The boss' name is AGHHHH!!! The boss' name is AGHHHH!!!! Oh you stupid wanker! He was about to give me the name! (mumbling) Oh yeah that's his.... (mumbling) Huh?...Otacon's. What in God's name? (mumbling) Safety first. Are you Doctor Who or something? Who the hell are you? Oh, leave it out. Snake. Ghost worked with Infinity War, an elite group of operators. He could be a valuable asset to your mission. I work alone! Your body won't hold out much longer. The nanomachines in your system are causing you to age at an exponential rate. You're going to need all the help you can get. Let me borrow your shades. Why do you think I'm wearing them, mate? SNAKE! This mission is too important for your ego to get in the way. Ghost. What do you say? Will you help us destroy the Modern Gear? Yeah, sure. But you got to help me find someone. You have our word. (groan) Hold position! Oy! Oy! Snake! ....Damn. ...Idiot. Taking the shot in 3...2...1.... Tango down. This one's mine. Right. What the-? (sigh) ...Idiot. (codec sound) Snake here. Snake, it's Otacon. What's going onnnnnnn? Same old, same old. That cool...hey, do you think Naomi likes me? (groan) I don't know. I really like her. But I don't know if she still has feeling for Vamp. I mean, she still has pictures of him on her Facebook. (Ghost) Oy, wrap it up mate! Uhhh, I better go. I'll call you later. Yeah, sure you will Yeah...hang up Otacon. You hang up first. NO YOU HANG UP! Fine. I can still hear you breathing-- Can we please get on with it!? Huh? What? Seriously? Come on mate, we're oscar mike ('on the move')! Nice shot. (motor sound becomes louder, faster) Wait....what's that? Do you hear something? (motor sound begins to whine) Oh crap.....RUN!!! Coming through! Oh...sorry. Well, I'm empty. (guards calling for backup)
What do we do now? I have an idea. You have got to be kidding. Come on, get in! No, no...I'm not falling for that one again. Look, I don't like it any more than you do...But this is the only way! Ghost...get in my box! Honestly, I'd rather be shot. Cheers. (groan) Doh!.... Uh oh.... Sir, Ghost and Solid Snake have infiltrated the compound. Our security team made contact, but failed to neutralize the threat. What are your orders sir. Fire them...fire them all! Where's Modern Gear? Snake...it's right behind you. Ow! Show me what you've got, Snake! (OOF!) That is getting really annoying! Well, I'm all out of guns. What's next!? OK...that's a little weird....but...LET'S GO! (Makarov laughing) What the--? EWWW! GROSS! GET IT OFF! You trying to headbutt me? You trying to headbutt a footballer! Where's Modern Gear? You're pretty good, Ghost. Who killed my mates!? Piss off! WRONG ANSWER! OK. The boss...is arming Modern Gear...as we speak. What boss!? The name is... Bobby Kotick--avich. AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Um...that's not normal. Otacon. The name is Bobby Kotick-avich. Sorry it's taken so long. But I've finally found him. That bastard who betrayed us. His nameĂ–is Bobby Kotickovich. Isn't he that guy that clubs baby seals? Well, yes, but he's also the head of ActivistSun. A powerful shadow military. And it's our job to bring them to light. Kotickovich has stayed one step ahead of us. But we've tracked him down. Booyah! It wasn't hard to follow the trail of bodies. We believe he's using this abandoned arms depot to launch his new weapon. Modern Gear! Once Modern Gear is finished, Kotickovich will be unstoppable. We have to face reality. It's unlikely that you'll be coming back from this mission. But when they speak of this moment It won't be us that stood idly by while Kotickovich destroys everything we stand for. Snake. Ghost. The fate of the world is in your hands now. I won't stop until I've brought that bastard down. I swear it. You will be avenged. No matter what the cost. Even if I have to sacrifice everything. We're not sending you in empty-handed. We've been working on some new gear for you. Whoah, what is it!? I hope it's a puppy. I'm gonna name it Solid Dog. (Ghost:) Oh yeah, nice one brother! Whoah! Sweet! Thanks Naomi! We got something for you too, Ghost. Oh thanks mate, you shouldn't have- -Uhhhhh. . . . .alright. It's a bit small, innit? UhhĂ– I thought theyĂd go well with your mask. (sigh) Well, try them on! (sigh) (Snake hums) This may be a suicide mission. But the world will remember usĂ–for this. WeĂ–willĂ–kill him! (Snake:) In position. Don't you just love this weather? Make's you feel good to be alive. Hey, what is that? Awww, it's just a box. What's it doing out here? Beats me. Did you order anything? No. Hey, you cardboard son of a- Hello! Sleepy time! Moving out. Got you covered! Let's go. Clear! Watch your corners. Kotickovich could be anywhere. I'm gonna kick his puny ass. Clear! Whoah. Do you hear something? (industrial noises) Holy --CENSORED-- What is that!? Modern Gear Oh, this was a bad ideaĂ–. (snake groans) Well well well, look what we have here! Snake and Ghost! Kotickovich! We have some unfinished business, you and I, Ghost! Right, I forgot to send you back to hell! Seriously, is that it? Is that all you got? My turn! Aw crap. How do you not see him!? Where are you going, Ghost? (evil laughter) Oh crap! Crap! CRAP! No. No! NO! Oy, toaster oven! Where's my pop-tarts? Hey, that's not my name! No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! Die already! Oh crap! Stop hiding, Ghost! Oh no. Damn it! This is not gonna work. Oh crap- oh crap- oh crap- oh crap- oh crap- oh crap! Oh this is not fair! Come on Ghost! No. It can't end like this. (Ghost yells) Ghost! Come out and play! I'm gonna finish what I started with your team! What's this? (Ghost laughs) Oh yeah! It's been a long time, old friend. INITIALIZING METAL WARFARE Alright. Here we go. Here we go. OK. UPDATING FIRMWARE. Hurry up, let's go! Let's go! Let's gooooooooo! Grrrrrr! UPDATE COMPLETE AlrightĂ–umĂ–how do I work this? UmĂ–robot, activate! Turn on! UhhĂ–Autobots roll out! Voltron assemble! HmmmĂ–damn! Oh wait, whats this? If I can just re-- (SNAP!) MALFUNCTION DETECTED OhĂ–oh, that's not good. NAVIGATION CONTROL OFFLINE UhhhhhĂ–Ă– Oh greatĂ–this is fantastic. Yeah, brilliant. This was a great idea. Yeah..that's exactly what I need. It's been a long time old friend. John, what are you doing here? You haven't heard? I work for ActivistSun now. No! You're better than that, John! You're a hero! Your age of heroes is over snake. Now drop the gun! You drop yours! I'm serious, Snake. I asked you first. I'm not playing around - wait! No you didn't! Oh yeah. Just keep spinning. Yeah, that's fantastic. Oh come on you metal bastard! Quick, before Bobby Kotickovich- Ohh shi- Drop the weapons, Snake! I can't do that! Yes you can. Physics says, if you let go it will simply fall. No! I mean, I understand that. I can't do that because I have a mission to do. Think about it, Snake. Only one of us is wearing bulletproof armor. YeahĂ–but these are REALLY big bullets. Then take you best shot. John, don't do this. Just shoot already! Ă–I can't. Now kick it over hear. Ow ow! That's heavy! OwwwwĂ– (sigh) Come on. I knew I shouldn't leave my toys laying around. Oh great, I'm gonna die in a bloody spinning teacup. Goodbye Ghost. Oh. Well at least I stopped spinning. Oh. Yeah. Here we go. Thank you for doing that. That's very, very helpful at this point. Thank you. Keep moving, Snake. I don't want to have to shoot you. So John, you've been with the Spartans for, what, 10 years now? I figured an expert like you would know better. Leaving the safety on is a rookie mistake. Nice try, Snake. I'm not falling for that one. Fine. Let's get this over with. Where the hell are you, Snake? CALLING SNAKE WaitĂ–what? (codec sound) Snake here. Snake! I'm in a big robot! There's another big robot kicking my ass! Got any ideas? Uhhh...that sounds like an Otacon question. Otacon? CALLING OTACON (groan) UmĂ–I gotta go, Ghost. Where were we? Oh no! A triceratops! RARRR! RARRR! Otacon, save me! Snake, I've got this. PEW! PEW! ARRGHH! Oh Otacon. You saved me AGAIN! Just put it on my tab. Oh Otacon, you saved me too! Oh Ariel. I liked you better with the tail. But whatever - Let's ride! Oh Otacon, thank you! UhhhhĂ–is this a bad time, mate? Ghost? How did you get this number? I can call back later, but I got this big robot situation. Probably gonna die. I was just, uh, running some simulations. HEY! I recognize that cockpit! Ghost, you're in METAL WARFARE! Wait, you know what this thing is? I should! I designed it. That was before it was stolen by the military. It's actually a funny storyĂ– See, I was 14 at the time, and I just got a new puppy- Otacon! Big robot! Shooting at me! Oh right. I'll tell you later. Metal Warfare. Voice authorization Otaku 69. Reset automatic controls. Primary target: Modern Gear. TARGET LOCKED. Fire! Oh hell yeah! Alright Kotick-o-bitch. Let's go! I thought you'd be better. How disappointing! Owwwww! Ow, my nose. Where am I? Who's there? Don't you remember me, Solid Son? Big Boss... Call me Naked Snake. Let's just stick to Big Boss. Suit yourself. Hey, wasn't I just fighting Master Chief? Fighting? More like losing. Hey, didn't you see me elbow that guy's punch? Hiyah! Ha! Grab the gun! Around the back! Turn around! Over the shoulder! Waahhhhhhh! Ha! And then, gat! Gat! Gat! Gat! Ohhhh kay. Bet you couldn't have done that! You're right. I can't believe the chief beat you! Wait. Did I die? Awww fu- SNAKE! Naomi? You're not dead. This is just your subconscious. Everybody you care about is here. Hey! Snake! Go way Otacon. Sorry Naomi. What were you saying? Remember what I told you. The fate of the world rests in your hands. OwĂ–my noseĂ– Huh? What happened? Just finish it, Snake. I can't live like this any more. Put me out of my misery. Finish it. What? Why? We can't do this alone. John! Out of the way! Move in! Move in! We have eyes on tango! Awwwww crap. (Snake groans) If you have any suggestions, now would be a good time. We can take these guys. Yeah, but we still canĂt beat Modern Gear. I have an idea. Hah. Just like PanamaĂ–. OK, you go finish the fight. IĂve got these guys. Stand down. What do we do? ItĂs just a box. Let it through. This time, Snake, IĂll protect you. OK, Ghost. Time to die! This is for Price! This is for Soap! And this is for Roach! YouĂre about to join them! Otacon, why isnĂt this bastard dying!? The suits have a kinetic barrier. YouĂll eventually break through. Whatever you do, donĂt stop shooting! Right! AMMUNITION DEPLETED. Um, what were you saying? UhhhhĂ–..nevermind. Haha! Crikey! Guess IĂll have to do this the old fashioned way. Hand to hand robot combat. (Hiya! Ohh! Ouch! Oh Harry Potter! Ouch!) (Yah! Urgh! Oh Top Gear! Oof! Ow! Ugh, Doctor Who!) (Snake grunting) Hehe, saw that comingĂ– IĂm sorry old palĂ–but I need thisĂ– ItĂs been an honorĂ–. Fire! Now youĂre pissing me off! Come on! Son of a- Teamkill! Get over here! LetĂs go for a walk. Thanks buddy. Hey, have you two met? Ow, my nose! Kill him! Get him! Muhuhwahah! WhatĂs wrong Ghost? YouĂre not such a badass now, are you? WARNING. ARMOR AT 50%. DieĂ–. ARMOR AT 15%. ARMOR AT 5%. DANGER. ARMOR DEPLETED. LIFE SUPPORT CRITICAL. This ends now! IĂm sorry lads. IĂve failed you. Your entire task force couldnĂt defeat me. Did you really think you could beat me alone? Hey! What!? HeĂs not alone. Yeah, Snake! Good to see you, mate! Beep bop beep. Optimizing duct tape. Glue holding at 90%. Reload cardboard cannon. Fire! ItĂs gonna take more than that to beat me Snake. Beep. Ugh! Cardboard levels critical! Now to deal with you. TARGET ACQUIRED. AMMUNITION DEPLETED. You son of a- SNAKE! I donĂt need a gun to kill you! My thoughts exactly. BOX CUTTER! What the hell? IĂm gonna rock your box off! Bring it on! Otacon, what in god's name is that? Oh, I forgot all the second generation mechs are equipped with plasma swords. Plasma sword? PLASMA SWORD ACTIVATED Oh hell yeah. Snaaaake! AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HmmĂ–not good. Game over Snake! Aw crap. Oh! Cut your head off! Did you see that? What? Empty? It was a robotic shell this whole time. I guess this means we still have a mission to do. No. No, I found him. HereĂs his head. Yep, heĂs dead. And the crowd goes wild! Oh we love you ghost! YouĂre so sexy! Uhh. Yeah, well, good job. Thanks for the assist, mate. LetĂs go home. Actually, I have to visit an old friend first. Oh my godĂ– Master ChiefĂ–oh noĂ– SnakeĂ–is that you? Yeah, IĂm here Chief. Oh sorry. Oh, you donĂt care. Chief, stay with us. Stay with us, Chief! Did you finish the fight? Yeah Chief. Yeah we got him. SnakeĂ–when I dieĂ–donĂt let themĂ– Ă–teabag me. Nooooo! Clear! DonĂt you die on me Chief! DonĂt you do it! DonĂt you die! You canĂt leave us! You canĂt leave us Chief! Come on! Wait! I have an idea. To Snake and Ghost! To saving the world! Good job team! Yeah! Cheers! Cheers! So of course I saved the day againĂ–. Ă–he seems more like a skeleton. Or a werewolfĂ–. Why didnĂt you just let me die? I mean, look at me. IĂm never gonna get chicks like this. Is this even water-proof? Chief, weĂll fix you up. I look like a freakinĂ Warthog. I donĂt know. More like a puma. I look like the Incredible HulkĂs dishwasher. I canĂt go back home like this, IĂll get laughed out of the Spartans. WhatĂs my mom going to think? Should I be drinking this? So, what are you doing after this? Hold that thought. Parkour! Hey Ghost, wait up! Hey Ghost, what gives? The partyĂs back there. My job here is done, Snake. ItĂs time for me to move on. I donĂt understand. One day you will, Snake. One day you willĂ– Wooooooo. Farewellllll, Snake. Wait. You were a real ghost this whole time? YesssssssĂ–. HmmĂ– YouĂre wearing my Octocamo, arenĂt you? Yeah. Idiot. I knew it the whole time. Yeah, sure you did. Ow! Hey! Haha, sneak attack. Hey remember when I cut that guyĂs head off back there? I was all like Luke Skywalker, or Highlander, or Bruce Lee! Yeah yeahĂ–I saw you. Translated by ________ (your name here).
Definitely my favorite modern gaming parody. Snake is hilarious.
Holy shit the part where they recreate the last fight from MGS4 is incredible. Edit: OMFG I almost cried at Cardboard Gear and Master Card.